I Carry On

I look out the window, my forehead leaning against the cold glass, trying to see her. I let out a deep, troubled sigh as I search for her. She’s got to be out there somewhere, but how in the hell am I supposed to find her?

I ponder going out there after her, searching for her, never resting until I find her… but I know that I can not. Four weeks after my surgery, the flesh is most definitely too weak no matter how willing the spirit.

Shay Lefae, faced with a deadly illness, is thrown into a world of magic, murder, and intrigue.

It was about a week before my 13th birthday. Having come home from work unexpectedly, the Ogre---who was what passed for a masculine role model in my life---had decided to take one final stab at "making a man out of me" before writing me off forever as a hopeless little bitch...

"What the hell you cryin' for? You're a boy, nothing's gonna change that! What's that you're coverin' with your hand, huh? You think putting on a damn dress changes anything? Do you? Answer me, goddamn it!"

I stood there shivering, feeling horribly vulnerable. By now I didn't know what I was or what could change what. I was sobbing, trying to nod my head yes and shake it no at the same time.

"For God's sake Sam, that's enough! Let him get dressed."

"No, I want him to say it first! What are you?"

"I'm a boy," I blubbered.

"That's a start. Now put some damn trousers on and come with me."

In a drizzle of slushy snow I was marched across the yard to the shed, where I was forced to take part in a grotesque and humiliating ritual of destruction. This was the heart of darkness...