Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 1 - 2

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----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------
Complete

"Hey, Jeffrey, what's this mp3 Shambleau? It's the only thing that sounds mysterious."
"Classic science fiction - a cautionary tale, which, Susie, I've duly noted. Great to listen to in bed with the lights out."
"What else do you like to do in bed with the lights out, Jeffrey?"
"Well, best of all, I like to drift off to the Shipping Forecast - read by one of the female announcers."

 

Susie and Jeffrey
Chapters 1 - 2

by Jamie Hayworth

Copyright © 2008 by Jamie Hayworth.
All Rights Reserved.

Susie and Jeffrey - Their Most Unbelievable Exploits Yet

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For anyone interested in the further misadventures of Susie and Jeffrey, two full-length novels, Books 11 and 12 - Loony Runes and Strange Day on a Train are available

Susie and Jeffrey 125 - 144

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Susie switched off the phone and gave me a triumphant grin. "I told you so, Jeffrey - a top-notch murder case has come hammering on our door."

"No, it hasn't. And I wish you'd be a little more discreet about our doings, Susie - Steve Spooner could easily get the wrong idea about us."

"Never mind that, Jeffrey - this is cosmic."

"Don't you mean kismet?"

"Cosmic kismet is what it is," Susie enthused. "I've already deduced the empty, old house has a Jones & Co For Sale sign in the garden."

"Conceivably."

"Indubitably - that's the scene of the crime dad was at. No wonder he's a worried man."

"If you're right, I suppose it could prove awkward for him - the property sort of being in his care."

"There's more to it than that - dad's up to his ear protectors in really big trouble."

"Not if he only discovered the corpse and reported it to the police."

"Step on the mental accelerator, Jeffrey - innocent folk don't just find dead bodies."

Susie and Jeffrey Books 4, 5, and 6

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Susie and Jeffrey Books 4, 5, and 6

 

Odyssey, Blow-ups Happen, and A Quiet Night In - chronicling Susie's and Jeffrey's adventures across the bay and their safe return home.

For E-Readers and now htm files added.

Click Here!

Also Jeffrey's Countdown Numbers Game and Sudoku programmes.

 

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Susie and Jeffrey Books 1, 2, and 3, Epub and Mobi

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Susie and Jeffrey Books 1, 2, and 3, Epub and Mobi

A download link for epub and mobi versions of chapters 1 to 43.

I've split the original 1 into 1 and 2.

Book 3 is the morning and afternoon of manic Monday. The trip to the bank to deposit their winnings turns into an odyssey. Susie and Jeffrey may wander aimlessly, but the direction the story is taking becomes clear. As they dispatch increasingly dangerous 'monsters', any plot regarding Jeffrey's TG status recedes into the background. However, I've carried on regardless for another 101 chapters with what might have been better posted elsewhere as Susie and Denise.

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Susie and Jeffrey Book 1 and Book 2 - Epub and Mobi

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Susie and Jeffrey Book 1 and Book 2 - Updated

Their first week together - a download link for epub and mobi versions of chapters 1 to 24.

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For Someone Who Asked - An Excerpt From A Teenage Jokera

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Actually it's a scene from The Dinky Doos Investigate.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

"Tell me the best, Susie," Mikey chortled. "Have you been banished to the outer limits?"

"Au contraire, mon petit frère, I've been admitted to the inner sanctum. Behold - dad's newest trainee estate agent - and heir apparent."

"I don't believe you," Mikey spluttered.

"You'd better - I've got the tape measure and evidence to prove it."

"No, you haven't."

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The Trouble Maker's Bottom Knockers Are Back

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http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/34727/susie-and-jeffre...

"Here we are again, Jeffrey."

"And advertising ourselves to a mainly American audience with a reference hardly anyone
will understand, Susie - talk about mad men."

"We'll never learn, Jeffrey."

"And neither will they, even if they read the whole of 'Double Trouble', Susie. It's a
ripping yarn, but it'll probably leave them more confused than ever."

"Maybe we should do a silent movie next time, Jeffrey."

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Susie and Jeffrey 113 - 124

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Double Trouble

Another Ripping Yarn

Crime pays in spades for the perpetrators when Susie and Jeffrey are taken for a ride.

"Any other bright ideas?"

"Yes, failing that, we'll bop him over the head with a blunt instrument - the blunter the better."

"We haven't got an instrument, Susie - blunt or otherwise."

"The wheel brace, Jeffrey - and we'll get out the jack as well. I've just dreamt up a super enhancement to my latest cunning plan."

"That seems barely possible, Susie. What is it?"

"We'll pretend we kicked over the jack and dropped the taxi on Willy while he was inspecting the spondulicks. That'll prove to Wally we're as ruthless as he is."

"Except we don't have a gun," I objected, hurrying after her to the back of the van.

"We won't need one; that's the beauty of my scheme. We'll wait until Wally bends down to pull out his beloved Willy, and then - Kapow!"

"What if Wally's so ruthless, he doesn't care what's happened to his beloved Willy?"

"No man's that ruthless, Jeffrey."

A Susie and Jeffrey Vignette

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"Stop it, Jeffrey."

"Stop what, Susie."

"Obsessing over whether 'a' or 'the' makes the line funnier."

"One wrong little word can kill the comedy, Susie."

"Not with me, Jeffrey - I could read from the list of Huntingdonshire cabmen and still raise a horse laugh."

"I think that may be a joke too far for here, Susie."

"As is a lot of our stuff, Jeffrey, but we can't do anything about it now, so let's expend our energy on some pre-publicity and see if we can waylay a few new unsuspecting readers."

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Why 729 is the Answer to Life ...

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Someone (thanks again, mittfh) has been intrigued by the working of Jeffrey/Denise's cute card hustle in the last chapter of 'A Quiet Night In'.

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/20170/susie-and-jeffre...

Susie and Jeffrey have used this as an excuse to engage in a little Siscratic dialogue about the maths behind the trick. They've added a rambling comment explaining why, in this case, 729 is the answer to life the universe and everything. If a minority of a minority of a minority are interested, it's at -

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Stuff and Nonsense

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"Phew, what a scorcher, Jeffrey! October the 1st is early this year."

"I blame the EUSSR, Susie. They're sending us their overheated, continental air and probably scheming to plunder our newly discovered gas reserves in return. The sooner our maritime climate reasserts itself, the happier I'll be."

"Hear, hear, Jeffrey, bring on the equinoctial storms, and let's turn our faces to the open seas. We've had more than enough trouble with dog days this autumn. It's not natural; the next thing you know, neutrinos will be travelling faster than the speed of light."

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The Missing Link

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"If you want something doing, Jeffrey, do it yourself."

"That's what gran says, Susie, but I've begun to doubt the wisdom of her words since I met you."

"Are we ever going to visit your gran, or is she a comedy device like my car?"

"I haven't decided yet - I'll have to discuss it with my other half."

"You are your other half."

"Not Denise - Jamie."

"We'd be better off dropping that persona, Jeffrey. Our little blog did better than his 50,000 word epics."

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A Comma Alert and an OpenOffice Macro

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"That's a job well done, Susie."

"What have you been fiddling away with, hunched over like that, Jeffrey?"

"I finally managed to force myself to reread our first nine chapters, and I've inserted a multitude of missing commas."

"Come again."

"That's right - our comma count has increased from 1,553 to 2,216."

"Sometimes, Jeffrey, I worry about your pernickety attention to detail."

"I didn't tot them up by hand, Susie."

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Susie and Jeffrey 95 - 112

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Uneasy Money

A 50,000 Word Romp

In a little self-indulgent preamble, Susie persuades Jeffrey to show off their latest comedy misadventure to a largely indifferent audience. After which, for those still interested, it's more of the same crazy dialogue and lunatic situations. Following an entertaining diversion on the way home, Susie and Jeffrey hit the treasure trail and lead their pursuers a merry dance before waltzing their way to the top of the Tower.

The 4X4 bounced on its wheels as our missile struck, caving in the roof above the driver's seat.

"Bull's-eye, Jeffrey! That's buckled their steering wheel."

"They'll be going home on the bus, Susie."

"It serves them jolly well right - pity about the window-box, though. It was probably someone's pride and joy."

"Look what they made it from - no wonder it had such an impact."

The shattered cement casing of the upturned planter revealed its humble origin.

"Ah, Jeffrey, do you know what we've done?"

"Yes, Susie, we've thrown in the kitchen sink."

"And we're not half finished - I hope we haven't peaked too early."

Susie and Jeffrey 79 - 94

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Rugby Boys


A Susie and Jeffrey Novel


After some minor skirmishes, Susie and Jeffrey go from Wags to pitches and win a major battle on the playing fields of Heighton.

"Oh, Susie, that will be even worse - I can't be two people at once."

"I'm three steps ahead of you, Jeffrey. It won't matter if you're half-and-half this afternoon, because it's all taken care of by my master plan."

"I don't like the sound of this, Susie, your ideas are liable to have unintended consequences. You always make things more complicated than they need be."

"I've learned my lesson; this is genius in its simplicity," she smirked. "You won't be the odd one out, because I'll be on the pitch rugbying with you."

"What!"

"You heard, Jeffrey - we'll be as peas in a pod."

"Nuts in a fruitcake, more like - our double act will call for an even more convoluted explanation."

Susie and Jeffrey 79 - 94 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 70 - 78

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A Quiet Evening In


More happy hokum for the faithful few.


And even non-followers of S and J may find the working of the tricky hustle, a third of the way into chapter 78, of interest).

"Don't panic, Jeffrey, I'm used to being closely cross-examined - follow my lead."

"I invariably do, Susie, but try not to take us on a ramble up Mount Improbable and into cloud-cuckoo-land with your explanations."

"A creative defence may be a necessity, Jeffrey, if the elders are looking for a scapegoat to supply their pound of flesh."

"In that case, Susie, let Denise play Portia and be the mother of invention."

Susie and Jeffrey 70 - 78 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 59 - 69

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After the Dream of a Wedding

A novel length instalment

"You know what, Jeffrey, I'm beginning to believe in miracles."

"Don't get carried away, Susie, they're not so rare. A person can expect to experience an exceptional event of special significance every thirty-five days."

"Is this one of your scientific facts or did you read it on a sauce bottle?"

"It's Littlewood's law - he's what you would describe as an impeccable authority."

"I'll take your word for that, but it still doesn't come anywhere near explaining our run of luck, Jeffrey."

"Someone has to win the lottery, Susie."

Susie and Jeffrey 59 - 69 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 53 - 58

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Google Is My Washpot;
Over Dot Com Will I Cast Out My Shoe

"Just for tonight, Jeffrey, suppress your ego and behave like an average fourteen year old schoolgirl."

"I can't, Susie - if I went missing it would make Denise dense."

Susie and Jeffrey 53 - 58 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 48 - 52

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Along the Waterfront

"This is pretty captivating, but give over, before someone throws a bucket of water over us."

"All right, but I am full of animal magnetism, aren't I, Jeffrey?"

"There's no doubt about it, Susie," I purred. "Don't be surprised if, one morning, you wake up and find a squirrel stuck to your forehead."

Susie and Jeffrey 48 - 52 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 44 - 47

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All at Sea

"Well, think again, Jeffrey - eating a Penguin bar is the closest I've come to killing an albatross."

"Funny you should say that, Susie, because their chicks are a delicacy; you scoff the lot - bones and all."

"What about the beak and feet?"

"Obviously not, but everything else - apart from the feathers."

"I've never seen them down Tesco's, Jeffrey."

Susie and Jeffrey 44 - 47 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 19 - 24

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"Oh Susie, what if I get a thing about bridal gowns as well?"

"I'll be disappointed if you don't, Jeffrey. I've always wanted to snog a girl under a veil."

"That's all very well, but this is already turning out to be a very expensive hobby. If we start acting out your wedding fantasies, I'm never going to have any money," I moaned. "Couldn't you have just as much fun dressing me up in black bin liners and brown parcel tape?"

Susie and Jeffrey 19 - 24 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 13 - 18

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"He'll have his suspicions, but there's no need to worry - just swat him away, like any girl would a snoopy thirteen year old boy."

"I can't wait, Susie: it's my dream come true - a randy teenager feeling me up."

"I know, Jeffrey - and I promise you, I'll be doing that later."

Susie and Jeffrey 13 - 18 by Jamie Hayworth

While Websense is away

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Thank you all for your comments. They're very generous and I love reading them.

I'm in the local library. This is the first time since I posted that Websense isn't running. TopShelf and the other main TG sites have always been blocked, but lately there has been a random dropping of the guard. The odd thing is Stardust, Beverly's Balcony, Tuck, TG Comics and Stories and various other sites are always available.

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Susie and Jeffrey 7 - 8 - 9

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Susie rolled her eyes at me as we pulled her dad up. "Let's have a look at the damage."

Mr Jones grimaced as she waggled his finger. "What do you think, Jeffrey?"

"See if you can grind the ends of the bone together," I offered helpfully. "That's a sure-fire test - if your dad faints, it's broken."

Susie and Jeffrey 7 - 8 - 9 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 5 - 6

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"Who's Robbie?"

"Captain of the first fifteen - the most civilised of the muddied oafs. He's a serious athlete - trains on Mars bars and bananas. You must have seen him, Susie."

"Oh that big gorilla," she laughed and poked me in the ribs. "Hey, Jeffrey, you know what they say: if you look like a monkey don't walk around carrying a banana."

Susie and Jeffrey 5 - 6 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey 4

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"You're talking gobbledygook, Jeffrey."

"No I'm not, Susie, it's just over your head. In plain English: this will never happen again."

"Never is a long day, Jeffrey."

"Ah, but consider this, Susie: I've suffered a harrowing experience and as a result, I've ended up cross-dressing. That," I concluded triumphantly, "is what you psychologists call aversion therapy."

Susie and Jeffrey 4 by Jamie Hayworth

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