After the Dream of a Wedding

A novel length instalment

"You know what, Jeffrey, I'm beginning to believe in miracles."

"Don't get carried away, Susie, they're not so rare. A person can expect to experience an exceptional event of special significance every thirty-five days."

"Is this one of your scientific facts or did you read it on a sauce bottle?"

"It's Littlewood's law - he's what you would describe as an impeccable authority."

"I'll take your word for that, but it still doesn't come anywhere near explaining our run of luck, Jeffrey."

"Someone has to win the lottery, Susie."

Susie and Jeffrey 59 - 69 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 59

"Worry not," Susie whispered, "it wasn't kiss-proof. Pinky and Perky will be as clean as a whistle - every inch the respectable booblets."

"But what's your aunt going to think?" I murmured. "Popping out topless in front of a perfect stranger is a peculiar way to say good morning."

"You can carry it off. Have an absent-minded fondle, before blushing and covering up. That ought to convince her there's no Jeffrey in here."

"And what will you be doing?"

"I'll be up there with you, as always. Okay - ready, steady ..."

"No, wait!" I hissed. I flung my arm over Susie and held her down. "You're not fully abreast of the situation. There's something I have to tell you ..."

"Go on."

"I woke up before you and I ... er ..."

"You what?"

"I had a doodle."

"In the wastepaper basket?"

"Nohhhh ... er ..."

"Stop dithering and get it off your chest."

"I would if I could, but I can't - that's where I doodled."

"Aw, Jeffrey! What are you - a contortionist?"

"Doodled with your lipstick, Susie - and I came over all artitsic. Pinky and Perky have been more than restored to their former glory," I confessed. "Your aunt will think I'm a shameless hussy."

"A what?"

"You know, like Scarlett O'Hara."

"Literally, in your case."

"And figuratively. I've made quite a spectacle of myself."

"What possessed you, Denise?"

"You did, Susie. I was hoping you'd find my work pleasingly erotic."

"There's a time and a place for everything."

"And I thought this was it. I got the idea from you; I'm not entirely to blame ..."

"Yes, you are."

"It was an irresistible urge. I felt very girly; a dream of us as lipstick lesbians was fresh in my mind."

"Shuuuuush!"

"I'll shush, but what are we going to do?"

"Put your fingers over your nipples, smile modestly and let's pray Aunt Rose and Uncle Frankly don't give a damn."

"It's not that easy; I've got 'Pinky' and 'Perky' written in big red letters across them."

"You silly bugger. I've no sympathy for you - on your own boobs be it."

"I did yours as well."

"You took advantage of me while I was asleep. You ... you snookered me, Jeffrey - that's not cricket."

"Fair's fair, you take advantage of me while I'm awake."

"It's the principle of the thing."

"Don't be mad - it's not like I drew a moustache on you, or anything. And you smiled while I was doing it."

"I'll forgive you this once, but next time wake me up before you draw-draw."

"I will, because Pinky and Perky were really looking forward to frolicking with Chip 'n Dale."

"Who!"

"My first thought was Huey, Dewey and Louie."

"What!"

"But there are three of them - I would have been left with an odd man out."

"I should bloody hope so!"

"I could have continued across your ..."

"Enough, Jeffrey!"

"... across your bottom, but the 'I' is in the wrong place. It would have spoiled the perfect symmetry."

"Really?"

"Yes, Susie - because you've got a classic Greek bum. It's a magnum opus as the Romans say."

"Thank you, Denise, your cock-eyed idea is doubly forgiven."

"Thank you, Susie, I hope your aunt is as understanding. She'll be wondering what's going on under here."

"She's being tactful - waiting for us to make the first move."

"Not for much longer - listen."

We heard a shuffling of feet and a tinkling of teacups from over by the door.

"The trouble you get me in. I suppose we've no option, but to make a clean breast of the whole thing."

"Don't be daft, Susie," I hissed and tightened my grip on the cover, "then the game would be well and truly up."

"Want to bet? Lie back and don't moan."

"I'm not ... Aaaaaaahhh!" I arched my back as Susie surprised Perky with her tongue. "Aaaaaahhgerroff!"

"Shut up and keep still."

"I can't. I haven't had them long; they're not used to this kind of treatment."

"Wait until you get our twins on there - babies are ravenous."

"Ow, that hurt. Be careful!"

"It's your own fault - stop writhing about."

"I can't help it. If you carry on like that, you really will have milk coming out of them."

"Shuuuuush, one clean, one to go."

"Now what's the matter?" I gasped, as she paused over Pinky. "Stop messing about and hurry up."

"I'm doing my best; you shouldn't have put it on so thick."

"Ooowww! That really hurt."

"It's no good; I'm out of spit and we can't keep Aunt Rose waiting any longer. You'll have to improvise - let the duvet fall of one shoulder, like a stripper."

"Susie!"

"A high class one - be artistic this time. It is my aunt and she already sounds like wheezy Anna. I hope it's the after effects of that fishbone and not our antics."

The rattle of a tray arriving on the bedside table settled matters.

"I give up. Come on, we'll have to swap over; I can't do it gracefully with Perky in the middle."

"Okay, let go of the cover and wriggle under me."

"Oof! Don't press down so hard; I've got my leg stuck."

"Contain yourself or you'll blow the gaff."

"Keep still, Susie, you're generating an awful lot of friction."

"Bounce with me, then."

Booooiiiinnnng!

"Aaaaaaahhhh!"

We were airborne when the duvet was flung back.

"Wakey, wakey, rise and shine. Come out from under there; I've brought you breakfast."

I blinked as a shaft of sunlight illuminated us in all our splendour in the brass bed.

"Morning, Trevooooooor," I yelped, as Susie's bum shot up and she kneed me in the groin. "Aaaahhh! This is a nice surprise."

"Oooohhh, my god," he gasped, "you're naked." His hands flew up to his eyes. "And you're doing it!"

Susie twisted around and plonked herself behind me. "Don't sit there posing, Denise - get back under the duvet."

Trevor sneaked a look as I leant forward and grabbed the nearest corner. "Tell him off, Susie, he's still gawping from behind his hands."

"You daft bugger, Trevor - why didn't you knock?"

"I did."

"Well, not very loud - you must have tip-toed in."

"I'm wearing my hush puppies."

"And what about that heavy breathing? We thought Aunt Jane was having an attack of the vapours."

"I'm always stuffed up in the morning ... Oooohhh ..." Trevor began to sway back and forth. "I feel dizzy, Susie. I'm losing my balance."

"Well, don't bloody fall this way; we're not into threesomes. Take your hands away from your eyes and get your bearings - we're decent now."

He peeked out from behind his fingers. "Are you sure? I've only seen behaviour like that in films - French ones, with subtitles."

Susie sat up and pulled the duvet away from my side of the bed.

"Don't!" I cried, "or I'll be leaving nothing to the imagination."

"Oh, I can see it all again." His hands flew back over his eyes. "What's been going on?"

I hastily pulled up the cover and nudged Susie in the ribs. "Go on, explain ourselves."

"Denise was giving me a taste of her strawberry milk shakes and you caught us in flagrante delicioso. Isn't that what you lawyers call it?"

Trevor steadied himself against the bed. "Could be, I'm a bit shaky on the Latin stuff. And I haven't been allowed near divorce cases; old Ormeroyd says I need to acquire some much needed gravitas."

He lowered his hands slightly to reveal a crimson glow.

"You'll have to learn to curb your blushing as well."

"I'm sorry, Susie, I don't know where to look. Is Denise okay - she wasn't bleeding, was she?"

"No, she's been suffering from jogger's nipple and putting lipstick on her breasts was the only way she could get relief. We really need some Vaseline - have you any to hand, Trevor?"

"I wish you wouldn't talk like that, Susie."

"Like what? There's nothing better for chapped lips."

"Aaahh, do you have to be so cheeky, Susie?"

"Only when I'm wearing tight pants, Trevor."

"Stop it - and stop Denise. She's displaying her charms again. Make her cover up, Susie, I'm all of a sweat."

"Desist, Denise, your page three antics are embarrassing Trevor."

"You shoved it down on purpose," I protested, as I fought to regain control of the duvet.

Trevor stumbled back to the door and slumped against it. "I'm staying here until you're both decent," he wailed. "And I won't be looking because I'm counting the flowers on the ceiling."

"Well done," Susie whispered, "you performed impectorably."

I got a firm grip on the duvet and pulled it up under my chin. "I've shown more than enough of my assets," I huffed. "I'm keeping them closely under wraps from now on."

"Compose yourself, Denise, a true lady knows how to conduct herself when she's caught with her pants down."

"Deshabille is the word I prefer, Susie."

"Two innocent mademoiselles surprised at our toilette that's what we were. Are you listening, Trevor?"

"No."

"Stop squirming."

"I feel all clammy and light-headed; I can't take much more of this."

"It's all right now; Denise's decolletage is stored away shipshape and Bristol fashion. Retournez-vous and serve us breakfast."

"Promise you won't do any more continental stuff."

"You've nothing to fear. We're a pair of innocent English schoolgirls again; we'll save our French kissing for the shower."

Trevor wobbled towards us. "Try to show some respect for that bed. Mum uses it when she has a migraine. If dad had the slightest idea of what you've been up to, he'd have apoplexy."

"How is Uncle Frank - did he rest in peace?"

"More or less - until I had to tip him out. That started everything off again."

"His sacroiliac's no better, then."

"I meant at me; I got another dressing down. Dad's up and shuffling around, but he's wary of sudden movements."

"He should be pretty grateful to us for knowing what to do in his hour of need, Denise. We'll have to remind him of our resourcefulness and make sure he gives dad a good report."

"I think we'd be wise to avoid any mention of such things, Susie."

"I'll drop a few hints, that's all, Denise - I can be subtle."

"Not that subtle," Trevor snorted. "And whatever you try, don't forget you still need my cooperation."

"Is that some kind of a threat?"

"Just a little hint of how much you owe me, Susie. You're lucky dad's not here to cross-examine you this morning."

"Out of the house at the crack o' sparrer fart, was he?"

"He insisted on an early start if that's what you mean. Mum's driven him to work. He's going to lean on her all day; he thinks it'll be less distressing to the relatives than using a Zimmer frame."

"I hope your dad didn't miss a hot breakfast, because of the events of last night. That would have been unfortunate, wouldn't it, Susie?"

"Yes, Denise, it's the most important meal of the day. Uncle Frank needs more than a cold bowl of muesli to see him through the morning. How did he do caloriewise, cuz?"

Trevor scratched his head in puzzlement. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Nutrition, Trevor, nutrition. Denise is studying to be a dietician. She's writing her thesis on the English brekkie."

"Well, if you must know, he went straight out with just a cup of tea. Which was a big slice of luck, because if he'd wanted his fried bread and poached egg, there would have been ructions."

"Oh, how come?"

"The gas is off this morning, Susie. They must be digging up the road again. It drives dad mad."

"Why's that, Trevor?"

"Because he sees half a dozen men standing around doing nothing, while we've been waiting three weeks for them to fix our boiler. They say they're waiting for a part from China, but dad doesn't believe a word of it."

"There's a coincidence, Susie."

"I can't think what you mean, Denise."

"Don't we have some gas related news - leaky joints and things?"

"Later, Denise, we don't want to bore Trevor with technical stuff. Your fascination with the ins and outs of plumbing isn't widely shared - not everyone is as indulgent as I am."

"I think now is a good time for Trevor to hear about how things went bump in the night," I persisted.

"Definitely not, Denise, our bedtime gymnastics should remain strictly private," Susie grinned and started to bounce up and down.

Booiinng! ... Booiinng! ... Booiinng!

"Aaaahhh, don't do that," Trevor shrieked, "you'll collapse the bed."

"It's only a spring settling."

"Give over, that's a treasured heirloom."

"There's no harm done; we were only having a bit of fun."

"Better be careful," I whispered. "We might have another falling out."

"Ah yes, thanks for reminding me, Denise. Sorry about that, Trevor, I came over all frisky for a moment. I'll endeavour to restrain myself from now on."

"I should think so. Grandma died in that bed - and great grandmother. If you've broken something ..."

"They'll be turning up their noses in the grave."

"Great grandma won't - she mysteriously self-combusted and only left a pile of ashes and a few scorch marks."

"Don't try and frighten Denise with that old chestnut, Trevor."

"It's true."

"Well, we were in no danger - because we needed all the heat we could generate to get the damp out. The bed hadn't been properly aired."

"I missed my electric blanket, Susie."

"I hope the teenage kicks all through the night made up for it, Denise."

"You were very huggly-snuggly, Susie."

"Snooky ookums, snooky ookums, Denise."

"Poogy woo, poogy woo, poogy woo," I smiled, as Susie leant over to kiss me.

"Erm ..." Trevor coughed and shuffled his feet.

"Ooops, sorry - we forgot you were there," Susie apologised. "Sometimes we're in a world of our own."

"Does your dad know what good friends you two are?"

"He knows and he doesn't know if you know what I mean," Susie winked. "It's better not to trouble parents with this kind of stuff. They have enough to worry about with middle-age spread, premature hair loss and fallen arches."

"I understand - dad's the same. You can rely on my discretion. I'm a professional man now; I'll treat this as privileged information," he grinned. "The first I've ever been trusted with."

"Thank you, Trevor - would you like to add something, Denise?"

"Can I have a kipper, Susie? They remind me of home."

"Must you, Denise, it's one of those smells that lingers. Let's stick to the oat cuisine. Tuck into the porridge - it's full of goodness and it's hard to spoil."

"But not impossible," I grimaced, after I tried a spoonful. "It's cold and lumpy."

"It's been in the fridge and I haven't quite got the hang of the microwave. Get it down and I'll dispose of the kippers; I don't think they're perfectly cooked, either."

"Get rid of the porridge as well."

"It'll make too much of a mess of my pockets, Susie," he frowned, as he stuffed in the kippers. "I'm not made of suits."

"Then why are you doing that, Trevor? You don't need to hide them."

"Botheration," he groaned, "I'm not thinking straight." He threw the kippers back onto the plate. "I'm still mentally traumatised after last night. And physically - my bottom hurts and my ear's all red and throbbing."

"You'll be fully restored after a quiet morning shuffling papers in the office."

"I jolly well hope so, because today of all days, I have to be at my peak, or you and that dog will have a lot to answer for."

"Where is Haggis this morning?"

"At the bottom of the garden in his kennel."

"Poor thing."

"Don't feel sorry for him; he knows when to keep a low profile. He's out there sniggering at me; he's a blooming Muttley."

"Real dogs lack a sense of the absurd, Trevor. Like Denise said, he was only behaving as nature intended."

"Your uncle tickled him in the wrong place, Susie. If you want to reward a male dog and make him happy, you should scratch his chest; he'll be your friend for life."

"Why didn't you tell me that before, Denise? It could have saved us an awful lot of trouble."

"I thought you'd have known, Susie - with all your doogling."

"I somehow missed that one, but it seems a funny place to stroke. Who would have thought dog dogs had sensitive nipples. Are you sure you've got it right?"

"They associate it with S-E-X."

"Sex? They're not blessed with a Pinky and Perky, Denise. You may be carrying anthropomorphism a shade too far."

"I'm not - think about it."

"No thanks, Denise - and neither should you."

"All I mean is when they do it doggy fashion, their chest rubs up and down on the girl dog's back. That's what it reminds them of."

"It sounds fanciful to me."

"Well, it's true."

"Have you ever done it?"

"Certainly not, it's unseemly. A girl like me would never dream of doing a thing like that. I'm not into a dog is a man's best friend."

"Does it work with tomcats?"

"I suppose so - any animal which gets up on its hind legs. But I still wouldn't do it; I don't want that kind of a relationship."

"I'm right behind you there, Denise, it sounds very much a one man and his dog thing. It'll be okay for you, though, Trevor - you can impress your dad with your new found doggy understanding."

"What I know and he knows is they can't peel bananas. You'd have been out there in the kennel with Haggis if I hadn't covered up for you. You were blooming lucky dad believes I'm daft enough for anything."

"True, Trevor - you've been very obliging to us - have you some ulterior motive?"

"Not really, I always enjoy pleasing my favourite cousin."

"I thought you mentioned wanting my help with girlfriend trouble."

"Nothing I can't handle."

"Okay, say no more. I'm happy to mind my own business."

"Well, since you've brought the matter up and you are beholden to me."

"I wouldn't put it that strongly, but I'm always prepared to listen."

Trevor sat down at the foot of the bed and eagerly leant forward. "I've been under a lot of pressure at work recently and I've other weighty matters on my mind. I could do with a little assistance."

"Eat those kippers," I suggested, "that'll help with all things mental. You'll be a match for anyone - in court and courting."

Trevor nervously adjusted his glasses. "It really is more of a personal relationship problem; if I solve that, everything else will fall into place."

"Then, you can't do better than discuss it with me. This kind of stuff is right up my street - just ask Denise."

"You can put your trust in Susie, Trevor. She'll soon sort you out. She'll make a new man of you - she did me."

"Don't be flippant, Denise, I've guided you onto the straight and narrow."

"Schoolgirled me up a long and winding road would be more accurate, Susie."

"But we're going down it together, Denise, that's the important thing - not the few unfortunate diversions we've had. None of which were my fault, by the way."

"Things just happen - is that it, Susie?"

"Precisely, Denise, you're blinkered by your absolute belief in cause and effect. You should familiarise yourself with the philosophy of the East."

"Yin yang to you."

"And you, Denise - in spades."

"With knobs on, don't you mean?" I grinned.

"Naughty, naughty," Susie laughed.

"Will you stop mucking about," Trevor pleaded. "I really need you to concentrate on my problems. I was at my wit's end, but now you're here I can finally see a way through all my difficulties."

"See, Denise, I must give off good vibrations - people instinctively turn to me for advice."

"Actually, it's more action than words I was hoping for. I've done the thinking; I want you to do the deed."

"Oh, be careful, Susie, I don't like the sound of this. Remember he eats emulsion paint."

"I haven't forgotten, Denise, I share your misgivings."

"Please, Susie - it's foolproof. Say you will."

"Not so fast, Trevor, we have to bear in mind the words of the great Scottish bard, Rupert Burns.

"You ask Miss MacClockerty, here."

"Gang aft agley, in the vernacular, Susie."

 

Chapter 60

"That's between cup and lip in English, Trevor. You get our drift - as sure as God made little green apples, we're not buying a pig in a poke until we've counted your chickens. It would depend on exactly what was involved."

I gave Susie an approving nod. "That's right, don't go making any rash promises - especially ones involving me."

"Wait until you've heard my plight," Trevor begged. "I know a genuine girl like you will want to help as well."

"I'm not that genuine, Trevor."

"You must be or Susie wouldn't be so goo-goo over you."

"Who's goo-goo over who-who?"

"You are, Susie - over Denise - like I am over Charlotte. Seeing you two do your stuff stiffened my resolve. I want some of that."

"I told you I'd rather we weren't kissing cousins."

"And it goes double for me. I'm fixated on Susie. I don't kiss boys."

"No, no - that's not the idea at all. It would be utter madness on my part; the last thing I want to do is upset Charlotte. Aaaahhh, Charlotte." His face lit up with a beatific smile. "When I hear her name, it's like a heavenly choir singing ... Chaaaarrrrlotte - it's an honour to gaze upon her."

"He's got it bad, Denise."

"And that ain't good for us, Susie, I'm developing a sixth sense about these things."

"No need to be a wet blanket just yet, Denise - let's hear Trevor out. We can't get into much trouble if we stick to playing Cupid."

"Don't you believe it. Those little arrows will turn into big boomerangs."

"Just give me a chance to explain, Denise," Trevor appealed, on his return to Earth. "I've done all the hard work. I've firmed up an idea I've been tossing around since you arrived last night. It'll be child's play for you and Susie."

"Don't listen, Susie."

"That's my vocation, Denise - to always lend a sympathetic ear."

She patted Trevor on the hand. "You really are serious about her, aren't you?"

"Charlotte's the girl I'm going to marry," he sighed. "And now's the time to take positive action. Faint heart never won fair lady."

"That's the spirit, Trevor."

"But I need your help," he emphasised. "And yours Denise - you've an important part to play."

"Your spaniel look's wasted on me, Trevor - if you knew how I feel about dogs ..."

"Please, Denise, it'll be better if you're the one who does the actual dirty work. If something does go wrong, I wouldn't want Charlotte to be hacked off at a member of my family."

"Tell him to shut up, Susie," I urged. "We've heard enough. There's no way I'm letting him have his way with me so he can make his girlfriend jealous."

"No, no, I told you, it's nothing like that; it would be sheer madness on my part. If Charlotte thought I was the kind of person attracted to a girl like you, she'd never speak to me again."

"What does he mean - a girl like me, Susie?" I spluttered.

"I can't imagine, Denise - unless Charlotte's a right snobby bitch."

"No, she's not; it's just that she has a position to uphold. Her father's a knight and the local member of Parliament."

"Are you social climbing out of your depth, Trevor?"

"If he is, he'd be better looking elsewhere for his Professor Higgins, Susie. We're ill-equipped for the job; we may lack a certain sophistication."

"We're the salt of the earth - and don't you forget it."

"Love will overcome any slight class difficulties. That's not my main problem - I wish you'd listen," Trevor impatiently continued. "The thing is I'm in an eternal triangle situation."

"Ah, that's slap bang in our area of expertise; he's definitely talking to the right people, isn't he, Denise?"

"Not to a girl like me, he isn't," I huffed.

"Sorry, sorry - I didn't mean anything. It's just that you're so different to Charlotte. You're a girl like Susie - unrefined and natural. You're a typical Smith and Jones."

"Hang on, there's nothing wrong with our names - and you're a Jones yourself."

"But I'm a Trevor, Susie - which goes well with Charlotte - a royal name; there have been Queen Charlottes."

"I've never heard of a King Trevor."

"There easily could have been, but I can't imagine a Princess Denise or a Princess Susie - except maybe in a Disney film."

"Well, that's where you're wrong because I was every inch a Princess Denise in my wedding dress and Susie was my Prince Charming. We were a beautiful fairy tale couple - my mum said so."

"You were the epitome of princessiness, Denise - and always will be."

"Thank you, Susie."

"I didn't mean it like that," Trevor apologised. "You're very pulchritudinous, Denise, I can vouch for that. It's just that you're not ... you're not a snob."

"I knew it," Susie gloated, "Charlotte's a snoot. You have to admit it's amazing how I'm able to sum up people - even before I meet them."

"Utterly unbelievable."

"A little more generous appreciation of my abilities wouldn't come amiss."

"Sorry, I'm just a bit wary about giving you any encouragement."

"It's too late, Denise - the die is cast. I feel behoved to help Trevor in his hour of need."

"Behoved?"

"Yes, behoved; it's incumbent upon me - family honour."

"You can give as much advice as you like, but nothing else. He's ceiling staring again and you haven't even begun to confuse him with one of your cunning schemes."

"I heard that. I'm not confused; I was pondering," Trevor frowned. "I have my own cunning scheme. It's just that things are a little more complicated than you imagine. What's a triangle with three and a bit sides called?"

"Ah, there's an extra fly in the ointment, is there, Trevor?"

"It sounds more like a flea to me, Susie, we'd better keep our distance; they can give you a nasty bite."

"Spot on, Denise - and you're the person to deal with the irritating little beggar - and the irritating big bugger into the bargain."

"No way - whoever they are. You tell him, Susie."

"Wait until you've heard the whole story on the drive into Lancston. There'll be no danger of meeting dad again if you come with me - you want that, don't you?"

"I definitely do."

"We've nothing to hide, but I wouldn't want Denise to be upset by false accusations. You've talked us into it, Trevor."

"No, he hasn't. You heard the magic word - 'drive'."

"We'll have to pass the time some way; we may as well lend Trevor our ears for his tale. It can't do any harm."

"Beware the ideas of Susie, they'll bury you not raise you."

"Shut up, Denise."

It was my turn to contemplate the ceiling, while Trevor gave Susie the thumbs-up. "Hurry and get ready, or I'll be late for work."

"I hope there's some hot water left because we need a shower. We've had a very sweaty twenty-four hours; we must pong a bit."

"Speak for yourself, Susie." I took a deep sniff under my arm. "I'm exuding a heavenly fragrance." I sniffed again. "Actually, it's highly sensual - have a smell."

"Cover up, Denise, you're exposing yourself. Trevor will think you're doing it on purpose."

"Sorry," I blushed, "I forget - Pinky and Perky are new to me."

Trevor gave a broad smile. "Ah, that's sweet - Castor and Pollux are my pet name for Charlotte's."

"Castor and Pollux - I've never heard them called that before."

"The heavenly twins, Susie."

"That's right, Denise, it's a classical reference - very highbrow - like me and Charlotte.

"I watch her bobbing along in the saddle and imagine all sorts of things."

"You'd better do the washing up and cool down, Trevor."

"You're right, Susie, there's no time to waste." He grabbed the tray and headed for the door. "Take it easy in the bathroom - don't go swinging on the shower."

"Why should I do that?"

"You go a bit mad around water; I haven't forgotten the hosepipe in the car affair and neither has dad."

"You put me up to it - I was only nine. Get out, you cheeky bugger."

"You be careful; we don't want any more incidents. Dad's expecting me to keep a close eye on you."

He was halfway through the door when Susie called after him. "About the drive into town - you've your own car now, have you?"

"Yes, I passed my test on the seventh attempt and dad got me a bargain from someone in the trade."

"It's not a hearse, is it?"

"Of course not," he laughed over his shoulder as he disappeared onto the landing. "It's a sporty little job - Charlotte loves it."

"Come on, Denise - tempus fugit - we don't want to keep Trevor waiting."

"I know the way your mind's working, Susie."

"We'll talk about it in the shower, get a wiggle on, Denise."

"Wait until Trevor's downstairs; he was worse than your Mikey staring at my chest."

"He's harmless and you did give him some encouragement."

"That was entirely your idea and a complete waste of time. You could Jeffrey me until Nelson gets his eye back and he'd be none the wiser."

"Still, it had one thing in its favour - he never noticed the pile of books Aunt Rose's precious antique bed is teetering on."

"I was floored by flawed brazing; the evidence is there for all to see. Even your uncle won't be able to argue with that."

"Yes, he will. Be careful how you get out - you only have to breathe on things in this house for them to come crashing down about your ears."

"We don't want to add breaking guest rules to the list; maybe we'd better not go in together."

Susie locked the bathroom door behind her. "There's only Trevor here and he'll be none the wiser - just don't start shrieking and splashing about."

"I'll conduct myself with the utmost decorum as long as there's no soapy mischief from you."

"I shall behave very Japanese, Denise. They're the politest people on Earth. They share showers all the time - and with total strangers. They don't give public nudity a second thought."

"Are you sure, Susie? All you know about their culture is what you've seen on YouTube."

"And read in comics."

"I'm still not convinced."

"And I've sat through the Mikado," Susie grinned and put her arm around my waist. "Best foot forward and tiny steps - follow my lead, Denise."

"Je t'aime, Jeffrey ... Oh oui, je t'aime."

"Oooooohhhhh, Susie, go easy or we'll have Trevor, up here, peeping through the keyhole."

"There isn't one."

"Aaaaaaahhhh."

"Sexy stuff lather, isn't it?"

"It is the way you work it in."

"This lipstick's taking some getting off, Jeffrey, you shouldn't have laid it on so thick. I'll have to give you some make-up lessons; we wouldn't want Denise to be considered tarty."

"Definitely not - the fact is I'm becoming a little alarmed at my exhibitionist tendencies; they could get me into trouble."

"It's Denise's way of letting off steam after being serious Jeffrey for sixteen years. It's good for you."

"I have to exercise a degree of caution."

"Not too much - you were in danger of going mad with all that repression. I arrived just in time."

"You're exaggerating again, Susie, I've never felt the slightest bit barmy. I've always had a firm grip on reality."

"Those are exactly the kind of people who lose their marbles in a spectacular blow-up, Jeffrey. Believe me, acting out your feminine fantasies is a necessary safety valve."

"Not if I do it in public. Keep your eye on me in future, especially my bottom; I can't see what it's doing. When I get into high heels, it takes on a life of its own. I'm sure it's swaying about of its own accord behind my back."

"Same here, Jeffrey - my bum feels like it's swelled to gigantic proportions. I may be in danger of developing a wobble-bum."

"Is that what I've got?"

"No, yours is a bobble-bum - a different can of fish entirely - and much to be desired."

"Well, that's how I think of yours."

Susie ran her hands over her buttocks. "They took one hell of a battering yesterday. I'm sure you could park your bike in there now. How do things look - has my rumpkin turned into a great big pumpkin?"

"I don't know why you're so obsessed with your bottom; I can hardly see it under the suds. In fact, it wouldn't be thought immense on a mouse."

"Truly, Jeffrey."

"Yes, Susie - a hippopotamouse," I grinned and took immediate evasive action.

"There's no need to duck, Jeffrey," Susie calmly smiled at me and began washing under her raised arm. "I shan't be exacting divine retribution; I'm above such things."

"It was a joke - honest."

"I know and I'm mature enough to indulge your juvenile humour. Not only that, but I knew exactly what you were going to say before you said it."

"Only because you read it in the Beano."

"No I didn't - they're Mikey's."

"They were in your room."

"That's irrelephant."

"Then I'll ignore it."

"There, see how I deliberately fed you the line. That proves it."

"You're a perfect foil, Susie."

"I'm happy to be the straight man from time to time, Jeffrey."

"That's very big of you, Susie."

"I'm a very generous person. Now, come here and let me wash your back."

I edged cautiously towards her. "I'm sorry; I can't help the silly stuff. You've a lovely bottom - a lovely everything, in fact. And you know it."

"I still need reassurance. I may give the impression of being a self-confident young woman of the world, but underneath I'm just ..."

"A barely adolescent schoolgirl like me."

"Smack bottoms, cheeky."

"Oooowwww!"

I skipped aside to avoid the next blow.

"It's naked-soapy-wrestling time; you can't get away." Susie laughed and dived forward.

"Watch out!"

"Oooooooohhhhh!"

Susie slipped and tumbled into me.

"Oooooooohhhhh! I'm going ..."

"So am I ..."

We fell backwards together onto the wall.

"I've got you." I held onto Susie and grabbed the shower for support.

Craaaaaaack!

"Aaaahhh!"

Whooooooooooooooosssssshhhh.

A jet of water cascaded over our heads.

"Aaaaaaahhhh! What's that?"

"Oh, now we've done it."

"Oooohhh - turn it off, Jeffrey."

"What with? The tap's still up there on the wall."

"Bugger, bugger and double bugger," Susie groaned, as a large puddle rapidly spread over the bathroom floor. "Can't you stop it from going out there?"

"Maybe we could direct it straight into the toilet."

"Do something - get it under control - the water will be under the door in a minute."

"Mind out." I jammed my hand over the pipe.

"Aaarrrghhh - not this way - it's cold."

"It's too powerful we need something to bung it up."

"Well, I'm not sticking my finger in there. I learned my lesson in that boat."

"Find the soap and we'll try shoving it down."

Susie scrambled around on the floor. "Oooohhh - point it somewhere else, can't you - it's freezing on my back."

"I have to be careful, it's fragile."

"So am I. Give it here."

Susie reached up and pushed at the pipe.

"That's too far."

I pulled it back the other way.

Craaaaaaacccckkkk!

"Timber!"

I let go and the section of pipe slowly toppled out of the shower.

"Aaarrrghhh - what have you done? Now it's going up my bum."

"It's broken off at the bottom as well."

"Where?"

"Behind you."

Susie turned around and got the fountain of water full in the face.

"Aaaaawww!"

"Get out of the way."

I jammed my foot over the remains of the pipe and another jet of water spurted over Susie.

"Stop bloody doing that."

"Sorry!" I hopped back and a chunk of the floor came with me. "Aaahh, things have gone from bad to worse."

"How can they?" Susie wailed, as she scuttled over to the safety of the toilet.

"A big hole's appeared in here; I don't think this shower was the work of a true professional."

"Typical! The old skinflint employed a cowboy to save a few pounds ..."

"And VAT."

"Right - and when it all comes tumbling down, we get the blame. It's so unfair."

"I'm sure it's spouting out even faster, Susie - we're well on the way to a deluge."

"You're the plumbing expert, Jeffrey - what do we do?"

"Turn off the water at the stopcock."

"Where's that?"

"In the cupboard, next to the gas meter, where we had our earlier mishap."

"Then it's a job for Trevor; we don't want to return to the scene of the crime. There's a danger of guilt by association."

"It's bit late for that - we did it."

"But no one knows we did it. I'm coming round to the view we say nothing at all about that little incident."

"I don't think ..."

"It wouldn't have happened if it had been a proper oak door, not a flimsy plywood affair."

"It was nicely grained, though."

"It had no substance, like the shower floor. We shouldn't suffer because of an unavoidable accident when we were doing someone a favour."

"But it's gas, Susie - it's dangerous."

"You worry too much. They're intelligent grown-ups; they can deal with a teeny-weeny leak."

"It was more of an incontinent whizzle. If we hadn't shut it off, it could have led to a conflagration."

"We'll have enough on our plate with a flood - let's leave the fire next time to them."

"But ... Oh!" I tile lifted under my foot. "Look, Susie."

Water began bubbling up from under the bathroom floor.

"We're awash, Jeffrey, the tide's coming in."

"It won't be long before it's going out. Let's get Trevor on the job before the kitchen ceiling says good morning to his head."

Susie started for the door. "Come on, what are you waiting for?"

"We can't run around naked."

Susie snatched up a couple of towels. "Here, wrap yourself in this." She threw one to me and dashed out onto the landing.

"Trevor! Trevor!"

"Wait, I haven't got the hang of this yet; it keeps falling down." I held the towel in place and caught up with her at the top of the stairs. "I don't think Pinky and Perky are big enough to wear it properly."

"They're fine, Jeffrey. Don't play with them in front of Trevor - he's easily distracted."

"How do you fold in the top bit of the towel so it stays there?"

"I'll show you later. Hold on for now. Trevor! Trevor!"

"Where is he? The water's on the landing."

"Trevvvvvvvvooooooor!"

"What ... what?" Trevor appeared, rubbing his ear, at the foot of the stairs. "You made me jump when I had my head in the dishwasher. Now I've got a bruise on a bruise."

"Never mind that. Turn the water off at the stopcock. The shower's sprung a leak."

"What did I tell you - and you took no notice." He banged his head in frustration. "Ooowww! You're a bloody disaster area. I warned you about playing silly games."

"We'll all be playing water polo if you don't move yourself."

"Can't you just leave the plug out and let it run? That's what we did last time."

"No! Will you get on with it - this is a dire emergency."

"Dad won't like me messing about with things I don't understand."

"He won't like it if he comes home to a swamp. A six foot length of pipe's gone missing."

"You what!"

"It fell off the wall and half the floor's disappeared into the bargain."

The colour drained from Trevor's face "It can't have."

"You've had the Lone Ranger and Tonto, the Polyfilla plumbers, in there."

"Dad spent a bank holiday weekend doing it himself - he'll go spare."

"Then get a move on before the whole lot's washed away."

"Oooohhh!" Trevor turned on his heel and dashed for the cupboard under the front window.

"Come on, Denise." Susie started down the stairs. "You may be needed in a supervisory capacity."

I stopped her halfway. "This is far enough."

"Aaaaawww! Susie, help me."

"What's the matter, Trevor?"

"It's stuck," he cried in panic. "And I don't know which way to turn it."

"Clockwise," I yelled.

"I'm left-handed."

"That doesn't make any difference. Close your eyes and don't think about it."

"Aaaaaaahhh, done it. Thank God," he gasped and slumped to the floor.

"You haven't finished, Trevor - get up here with a mop and bucket. The water's coming down the stairs."

"Aw, Susie," he groaned. "What's dad going to say?"

"The kitchen ceiling hasn't collapsed, has it?"

"No, but ..."

"Then, there's no real damage done - and he'll know he has only himself to blame."

"Dad won't see it that way."

"He's on a winner. He'll get the full insurance for his shoddy job and he can get in a proper plumber."

"Will you tell him that?"

"I'll leave it to your persuasive powers - you're the professional advocate."

"Maybe it would be better if Denise broke it to him."

"You can forget that. I'm not coming back here."

"That's what I mean, you'll be out of sight, out of mind. And dad appreciates your qualities; he hinted I could do worse than marry someone like you. He's probably right; you'd be a lot more cuddly than Charlotte."

"That's very flattering, but I have to go straight home to mother. Don't worry, Susie will sort something out."

"Yes, I'll come up with a good story for you, Trevor. We'll talk about it after I get dressed."

"If ..." Trevor paused and stared thoughtfully at the ceiling.

"If what?"

"I was just thinking." A hint of a smile crossed Trevor's face. "I'm in dad's bad books already, perhaps I should do the noble thing and take the blame. My developing a stiff upper lip can only be a long-term asset."

"You definitely have the makings of a gentleman, Trevor."

"Thank you, Susie."

"You're more than welcome."

"And, Susie."

"What?"

"Ask Denise to pull her towel up; she's making me feel giddy again."

Susie turned and wagged her finger at me. "Really, I don't know what's come over you, Denise," she teased. "Nip on back upstairs this minute."

I sang, as I scampered away.

 

Chapter 61

"I'm all dressed up and ready to go."

Susie waltzed in and shut the bedroom door behind her.

"Oh, you're back in trousers. Where did they come from?"

"Don't say anything to Trevor, I've been through Aunt Rose's wardrobe. What do you think - should I give you a twirl?"

"Never mind that - how's the clearing up going?"

"All finished - everything is splendiferous."

"It can't be."

"Go and have a look instead of lying there, trying to seduce me."

"I'm reading an improving book."

"In pink bra and panties - what is the dusty tome, Jeffrey?"

"'The Princess of the Chalet School' - I saved 'The Head-Girl of the Chalet School' for you. And I'm still in my underwear because I was letting you have first choice of clothes."

Susie came over and gave me a hug. "I couldn't have a more thoughtful girlfriend than you, Denise."

"Don't divert me - I want to know how the situation can be described as splendiferous."

"Well, Trevor's mopped up in the bathroom - it's spotless. The floor's still a bit damp, but only half a dozen tiles came up. I soon stamped them back down - no problem."

"What about the shower?"

"Sloppy workmanship - exactly like you said. I gave it a close inspection; someone had been slipshod tightening their nuts."

"You can't be too careful; I always double check such things before going out."

"And a fine job you make of it."

"I meant on my bike, Susie."

"There as well," she grinned. "Anyway, I balanced the pipe up against the wall and stuck some toilet paper in the gaping hole."

"What was the point of that?"

"Well, it'll look as good as new when they're sitting on the toilet."

"Which they won't be able to flush."

"I've done my best; I'm not a plumber. If Uncle Frank has any sense, he'll let the matter drop." Susie shifted her position on the bed and winced. "I've another bruise on my bum; we could probably sue."

"I doubt it."

"We were sent into an unsafe shower, Jeffrey. It should have been able to stand up to a few high jinks."

"It was more rough and tumble, Susie."

"Nothing compared to what goes on in school showers and they don't fall off the wall. But you'll know more about that than I do."

"Only second-hand - they're a no-go area for me. I believe there's a craze for sword fighting at the moment."

"With their ..."

"What else? It was bad enough when they were spraying their names on the cycle sheds."

"Gross."

"And not always in their own handwriting, either."

"Too many details, Jeffrey."

"It wouldn't be so bad if there were separate changing rooms and cloakrooms. I keep my eyes averted, but it's not right having to run a gauntlet of naked bodies just to get in and out of the place."

"They're probably breaking all sorts of health and safety rules."

"Definitely - it's only a matter of time before one's crushed in the rush. Some of them stick out a mile; it must make walking difficult - and riding a bike. It's a burden I wouldn't be happy carrying, Susie." I sat up alongside her. "Of course, you may have different views."

"Hardly, Jeffrey - you know what I like."

"Do I?"

"I haven't tried that yet."

"You will."

"But not this morning. I don't want Trevor believing I'm an airhead, who'll do whatever he wants."

"Truly perspicacious, Denise, because he's not the gentleman we first thought. He's somehow got the idea that if he takes the blame for the shower debacle then we're doubly in his debt. Well, he can think again."

"Did you mention anything about the gas?"

"Not bloody likely. God knows what he'd have us do if he found out about that. We'd be trebly trapped."

"It's explosive stuff, though."

"Not when it's off. Uncle Frank will assume Trevor did it by mistake when he was messing with the water. He'll turn it back on, discover the leak and blame Trevor. Perfect!"

"It doesn't seem fair."

"Fair! What's fair? He let us go into that shower knowing full well about the dodgy plumbing."

"Aren't you jumping to conclusions, Susie?"

"The more I consider the facts, the more I'm convinced we were set up. It was an accident waiting to happen and we were the innocent victims."

"It seems unlikely."

"He was twitching all over. There's been monkey business afoot; I have a nose for these things."

"Well if you're right, he's got the better of the deal because the water's a bigger mess than the gas."

"He won't get away with it, Jeffrey, he'll crumble under Uncle Frank's interrogation. He lacks my sang-froid."

"Sang-froid?"

"Aplomb, to you, Jeffrey - it's a gift I have."

"One of many, Susie."

"Go on, mock, but you've every reason to be grateful for them. Don't forget I'm the girl who saved your life."

"When was that, Susie?"

"On more than one occasion and I'm still doing it."

"Set your sights a bit lower and see if you can blame the broken bed on Trevor as well."

"We may be entering dangerous waters there, Jeffrey. Three in a bed stuff won't go down too well with Uncle Frank - or dad."

"We should have heeded the warning; it creaked as soon as we jumped in. In fact, this house does a lot of creaking."

"You're right there - it's a death-trap. You be careful; I felt the banister sway on the way up."

"Did we damage it with the coffin?"

"We might have caught it a glancing blow, but it's mainly old age - normal wear and tear. The greenhouse I demolished was on its last legs as well; I did Uncle Frank a favour."

"We've done him a few more on this visit. We've only to see off the electricity and he'll have a full house of busted utilities."

"We may already have done that. Jeffrey. Water's dripping down through the light fitting in the kitchen. I didn't say anything to Trevor - best not to worry him."

"Is the ceiling sagging?"

"Ever so slightly, once it's dried out they'll never notice."

"There's a lot of water unaccounted for, Susie. The bucketfuls on the floor were the tip of the iceberg."

"That's something else hanging over our heads, then."

"And whoever's in the kitchen."

"Well, it can't be helped. We'll just have to make sure Trevor's the fall-guy."

"The sooner we're out of here the better. So much for your things happening in threes. We're well past that - what's the total so far?"

"We're still in single figures, even if we count the knob that came adrift from Aunt Rose's wardrobe. You haven't any chewing gum, have you?"

"No, it's a common habit."

"It's not; it gives you fresh breath confidence."

"It gives me wind and it looks cheap."

"It can be sexy."

"I'm not going around blowing bubbles. Get some glue."

"It doesn't matter; she'll never know I've borrowed her pants; they were buried away at the back."

"Next stop Barnardo's, no doubt."

"They are dated and they're not your typical teenage wear."

"They're okay for wallpapering in."

Susie looked over her shoulder into the mirror. "I don't suppose they do my bum any favours."

"I'm saying nothing; it'll only get me in trouble. It's impossible to say the right thing about your bottom. My lips are sealed."

"Don't be in a huff. I know they're not perfect. I'm doing this so you can have back your favourite skirt."

"I would have made the sacrifice for you; I like looking at your legs."

"I think Trevor should see the more grown-up side of me this morning."

"And I know why. Just remember - you've no licence, you've no insurance and you're underage."

"It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards. I could swear I've been driving safely for years. What do you call that, Alice?"

"Wishful thinking - and don't call me Alice. I'm confused enough with all the names I've had in the last twenty-four hours."

"It was a literary reference; I thought you'd appreciate it since you so much enjoyed parading around as a pretty Victorian Miss."

"I never have - have I?"

"There I go again - it must be pre vu - as opposed to deja vu."

"Very funny, but whatever it is, you can forget your car ambitions for this morning. You're not driving me around until I'm in clean underwear."

"If that's your only worry, I can borrow a nice plain set off Aunt Rose for you."

"No thanks, I'll stick with these - frilly and silly as they are."

"You know what suits, Jeffrey."

I caught Susie's hand as she made to give me a slap on the bottom. "Hey, you've done your nails."

"It all helps to add to my air of authority."

"In that case, do mine as well."

"It won't work the same way for you."

"You've a trousers start on me, but I can match your grown-up. I could have passed for seventeen in that wedding dress. I'll show you." I stood up, held my nose in the air and thrust out my arm. "Next time I'm Princess Denise, I shall behave with icy grandeur."

Susie took the chance to inspect my hand. "I've said it before, Jeffrey, you're taking really good care of your nails."

"They've always been well looked after. Mum used to push my cuticles back up and I'm continuing the practice."

"You certainly are," Susie grinned. "Even on close inspection, nobody would guess you had any."

"I suppose I must be naturally dainty and delicate - just like you, Susie."

"I wouldn't describe us as delicate, Jeffrey."

"Not delicate, fragile - delicate, fine-spun. Now, get on with decorating me."

"Are you sure? It'll make you appear even more Lolitaish."

"There's no danger of that; from now on, I'm cultivating an eyes down, sulky expression in public."

"Okay, you know best. What colour do you want - red or baby pink?"

"Baby pink - and the lipstick to match. It'll highlight my pout."

"The phone calls went very well, Jeffrey."

"I expect your dad was relieved we're still in the same place, Susie. It must be a weight of his mind."

"Your mum sounded a bit strained."

"She's racked with guilt at deserting me. She needn't worry, though; I'm not going to hold it against her."

"That's a very adult attitude. I'm glad you're learning from my example."

"I've grown out of my childish ways; I won't be moody. I'll let mum make a big fuss over me when I get home. She can tuck me up in bed after I've had one of her special bowls of pobbies."

"Wouldn't it be nicer to make supper for her?"

"I don't want to arouse mum's suspicions, Susie. We've a lot to hide."

"You're right. I'll have the same problem with dad. A carefully calculated degree of impudence is called for."

"No one does it better," I grinned.

Paaaarrrp! ... Paaaarrrp! ... Paaaarrrp!

"We'd better hurry, Jeffrey, Trevor's getting impatient."

I had a last look at the bulging kitchen ceiling, picked up our bag and followed Susie out onto the back patio.

"Whoa, don't slam the door, there might be unintended consequences."

"It's that bad, is it, Jeffrey?"

"A dam waiting to burst; there's a steady drip, drip, drip. It's only a matter of time."

"Maybe it will be okay if they get the central heating back on."

"Not the ghost of a chance."

"Ah well, we'll just have to hope Uncle Frank isn't standing under it."

We gently closed the door, breathed a sigh of relief when there was no waterfall and tiptoed away past the new greenhouse.

"Your uncle's got a fine crop of late tomatoes."

"I bet they're the best he's ever had and it's all down to me. He'll probably be just as pleased with his new bathroom and kitchen ... eventually."

"He'd be well advised to be an optimist and make the best of it when he gets the worst of it."

"Well, we've done all we can for him. We tried to be the perfect guests and leave things as we found them."

"The house is still standing - I'll give you that."

"And we didn't steal any towels."

"Actually, I sneaked one into your bag."

"What on earth for?"

"I thought it might come in useful."

"We're not going swimming; I've had quite enough of water sports for today."

"It's a feeling I have. Pinky and Perky are tingling."

"Restrain yourself."

"Quiet, boys."

"Are you talking to them now, Jeffrey?"

"A few words of encouragement before I say goodnight. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?"

"No, but let me know if they start answering back."

We stepped out into the sunshine of the front garden and Susie's face lit up. "Will you look at that!" she whooped.

"What, Susie?"

"The car, the car - it is a sports job." She danced with glee. "I thought it was just another of Trevor's delusions; I was expecting an old banger. I can't wait to get my hands on it."

I looked down the drive to where Trevor was vigorously polishing the object of Susie's desire.

"It's a dinky little car - what's sporty about it? It's red, but so was that bus."

"Don't try and put me off; that's a sleek little racer. Not quite in the James Bond class, I grant you."

"Noddy or Coco the clown would be nearer the mark."

"It won't work, Denise, that's our ride into town. We're not tramping across more fields to get there."

"As long as Trevor's driving, the car is fine with me. The faster we get away from here the better. I'm frightened we'll do more damage just standing still."

"None of it was intentional. That house has got a grudge against me. I wouldn't be surprised if it was home to an evil spirit."

"Don't be silly."

"It was you who mentioned ghosts. Do you believe in poltergeists?"

"No - and your uncle won't either."

"He might. Uncle Frank is an undertaker; he should be receptive to the one step beyond stuff."

"Will you give over."

"It's a creepy old place just like in the films."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. It's your classic haunted house. I felt a definite spooky presence last night."

"Maybe you're carrying around your own personal poltergeist - did you think of that? They attach themselves to pubescent girls."

"I'm not pubescent - but you are."

"And I've got an aura, so you'd better treat me nice. Wave goodbye to the jinx house and let's go."

I took Susie's arm and we set off down the path.

"You're right about one thing, Denise, the car is on the small side, it'll be quite a contrast after driving a bus. Come on, let's give it the once over before he polishes it away."

"Don't go egging on Trevor to do something daft. I'll be working against you; I'm warning you."

"Shush." Susie smacked me on the bottom, as Trevor turned to greet us.

"All ready, isn't she a beauty?"

"Absolutely, it must be a dream to drive. But what's with the L-plates and the dent in the rear wing?"

"I thought I was on to a winner giving Charlotte some extra coaching; her tests coming up. But things aren't working out as I hoped. She's having difficulty with her three-point turns."

"Three lamppost turns, are they?"

"Don't joke about it, Susie, it's a very delicate subject."

"You're skating on thin ice giving a loved one driving lessons. I'd advise against it. It's just the kind of thing to put an unnecessary strain on a relationship."

"That could have been me speaking," I smiled.

Susie smiled back and ran her hand over the shallow depression. "Get Denise a hammer and she'll knock that out for you in a jiffy - it'll save you a fortune."

"Oh ... I'd rather she didn't ... no offence, Denise."

"None taken - Susie likes to tease. How does Charlotte cope at roundabouts, Trevor?"

"Funny you should mention that. I'm afraid I lost my temper with her over the correct procedure. She can be so exasperating," he moaned. "Telling me I should be grateful to know the air-bags worked. Everything seems to be piling up against me at the moment. Really, the car's the least of my problems."

"Are you sure you wouldn't be better off with the girl from the flower shop and permanent hay fever?"

"Don't interrupt, Denise, let Trevor finish his story."

"She said I loved my car more than I loved her. This is a critical time in our relationship; I can feel it in my water."

"There is a tide in the affairs of men that taken at the flood leads onto victory," Susie intoned. "The signs are favourable for you, Trevor."

"You could be right - I am an Aquarius."

"Absolutely, it isn't a coincidence we've arrived here just when you need us. The gods are smiling on you, Trevor."

"Shouldn't that be something a bit wetter beginning with a 'p', Susie?"

"Quiet, Denise, you'll disturb our karma. This is an example of what we Jungians call synchronicity."

"Synchronicity?"

"Yes, synchronicity, we've experienced more than our fair share of it; I'm beginning to think we may be some sort of human conductors."

"Ah, now I know what you mean, Susie - I've been up to my eyeballs in synchronicity since I met you."

"Don't scoff, Denise, I take these things very seriously; I'm a true philosopher."

"I can't argue with you there. You never feel badly after you've made an ass of yourself."

"That was uncalled for, Denise."

"Sorry, Susie, it must be my hormones playing havoc with my normally sweet nature. I've had a very fraught week."

"You don't know what fraught is." Trevor gave a deep sigh and sat on the bonnet. "I'd almost lost all hope before you two arrived. With dad on the one hand, Charlotte on the other and Raymond on the other and ..."

"Who's Raymond?"

"He's my deadly love rival, Susie - the third side of the triangle - and he's making all the running."

"And you want us to scupper his chances."

"You've got the idea without me even telling you."

"Just a small demonstration of my powers - carry on."

"Everything seems to be going against me; I've been at my wit's end these last few days. I want to seize the opportunity you've presented me with, but the prospect makes me weak at the knees."

"Then you're not fit to drive. I'll ..."

"Of course he is," I interrupted, "he's a natural driver. You can tell by the way he walks he's a Lada's man."

"Susie's right again, Denise, I've had a few close shaves recently. My concentration tends to drift; I'm obsessed with the Charlotte situation."

"What I suggest is you let ..."

"And I agree with Susie," I interrupted. "What you need are two admiring females to massage your ego. We can learn about driving by watching an expert in action. Explaining what you're doing will keep your mind on the road."

"I've a better idea."

"No, you haven't, Susie. Having two girls hanging on his every word will give Trevor a confidence boost for his struggle with Raymond. He's just lacking a bit of self-belief. Charlotte will have no difficulty making her choice once she's aware of his innate character."

"Thanks, Denise, but things aren't as simple as that; he's not the only one frustrating me," Trevor groaned. "Charlotte's kid brother, Oswald, has been tagging along this past week; he's recuperating from mumps."

"There's a lot of it about," Susie chuckled.

"It's no laughing matter; he's making things doubly difficult."

"You're a big kid yourself, Trevor, can't you make friends and enlist him as an ally?"

"I've tried my best, Susie, but for some unaccountable reason, he's taken against me. I can't do right for doing wrong."

"Little brothers can be little sods," Susie sympathised. "They need subtle handling. I've learned a few tricks over the years; I'll pass them on to you."

"Try bribing him," I suggested, "that's Susie's pet method."

"I cleverly use the carrot and stick, Denise, as you should well know."

"You use my money that's the only clever part."

"It doesn't work with him; he takes the cash, behaves exactly the same and then comes back for more. I accidentally trod on his toe yesterday when Charlotte wasn't looking; he's out for revenge now."

"Trevor definitely deserves our help, Denise, it would be churlish to refuse."

"No, Susie, we aren't qualified to interfere in affairs of the heart."

"Phooey, Denise, look at the success I had with Max and Harriet."

"You only introduced them to each other."

"That's the hardest part - knowing who's compatible. It's a gift I have. You can rely on me, Trevor."

"And Denise as well - I thought we had an understanding, Susie."

"We have - and I expect you'll want to do us a favour in return, Trevor."

"I'm already doing you two blinking big ones."

"I was thinking of something more personal, like we're doing for you."

"What is it? I may be a bit out of my depth, but I'll do my best."

Susie was in the driver's seat in a flash. "You'll let me drive into Lancston, then."

"You're only sixteen."

"I'm seventeen."

"I thought I was six years older than you - or seven, even."

"Five, Trevor - my birthday's before yours; that's when I catch up."

"My birthday's in January."

"Which is after my mine in the school year; that's what counts. Denise is a maths whiz; do you want her to explain it to you?"

"No, I've got it now. Dealing with this party of the first part and party of the second part all day is putting a strain on my brain. It's surreal stuff."

"Are you having trouble with sanity clauses?" I asked.

"I haven't come across one of them yet."

"You will before Christmas."

"Keep your puns to yourself, Denise. Trevor's obviously more suited to courtroom work where his personality will shine through."

"You're spot on, Susie - listen to this. My client is a man of impeccable character whose only explanation for his uncharacteristic behaviour is the eighteen cans of lager and ten double whiskies he had inadvertently consumed while consoling himself on the loss of his lifelong companion, Rover."

"That was perfect, wasn't it, Denise?"

"It could have been Chicero himself speaking."

"Exactly!" Susie grinned. "Motoring offences will be walkover for you, Trevor - where are your keys?"

"I don't want to fall out with my favourite cousin, but it's not really a learner's car."

"You've no need to worry, I'm well advanced in my lessons. Start her up if you want our help."

Trevor reluctantly got in alongside her and turned the key in the ignition.

"Come on, Denise."

"I'm in awe of your powers of persuasion, Susie, you didn't even have to tell him you can negotiate roundabouts with your eyes closed."

"Belt up, Denise."

"Yes, Susie."

 

Chapter 62

"You having a pretty smooth ride back there, Denise."

"Yes, Susie, I can't criticize the driver so far."

"I'm at one with this machine; it handles like a dream. This is a piece of cake after that blooming bus."

"You've driven a bus, Susie?"

"It was an open day. I was so good they offered me a job, there and then."

"Get away! What was it - one of those little mini-buses?"

"No, a lumbering vintage job with a great big steering wheel. And old fashioned gears - they made a hell of a noise."

"Single or double decker."

"Both - it was a convertible when Susie had finished with it."

"Were you there, Denise?"

"She was sitting on my knee, eyes agog, Trevor."

"You are a romancer, Susie, but I wonder if something like that would have better suited me. I always wanted to be a train driver."

"You could do a lot worse. Susie was attracted by the magnificent pension plan. Forty years from now, you'll be set for life."

"It's tempting to abandon the rat race up the greasy pole, but I have Charlotte to think about."

"Are you sure she's the girl for you? Save yourself a lot of heartache and drop the whole thing - that's my advice."

"Listen to Miss Lonely Hearts," Susie scoffed. "When did you become such an expert?"

"Gran's saved a big pile of Jackies; I've read all the problem pages."

"You're joking, Denise."

"I know more about the workings of a teenage girl's mind than you think, Susie - and minds in general, as a matter of fact."

"We'll see about that, Denise. Go on, Trevor - pour out your troubles to me. You have almost my full attention; I only need five percent of my brain for driving."

"I'm doomed if I fail to make a success of this solicitor lark," he moaned. "I'll have to follow dad into the undertaking business. It's a good living, but I'm terrified of dead bodies. You will do your best for me, won't you, Susie?"

"Of course we will - Denise is raring to go."

"Just a minute - I want to know how capturing Charlotte's heart is going to help with his career."

"She's the boss's daughter; what better way is there of getting a partnership in the firm?"

"That's a cold-blooded way of looking at things, isn't it? I thought you were in love."

"I am - but there are other considerations. If you want to get rich, sit next to rich people. Better still, marry one of them."

"He's after her money, Susie. A feminist like you can't be party to such a thing; it's against all your principles."

"Take no notice of Denise, she's full of silly quixotic ideals. A good marriage is the best way for you to get on, Trevor."

"I'm putting my heart and soul into it, Susie. I've joined the Young Conservatives and applied for the golf club. If I play my cards right, I could even inherit her dad's seat. He likes to keep everything in the family."

"I'm impressed, Trevor, you deserve to succeed."

"Thanks, Susie, but it's an unequal struggle. Raymond has a lot of advantages; he's a Fortescue for a start. I know Charlotte won't be thrilled at the prospect of becoming plain Mrs Jones."

"She is a snob, then."

"I suppose so, but I don't hold that against her. I'd like to be one myself. Things would be a lot easier if I wasn't a plain everyday Jones."

"Some folk take their mother's maiden name. I'm a Smith on both sides, so it'd be no help to me. I'd still be Denise Smith - or Denise Smith-Smith."

"That idea has possibilities," Susie grinned. "Aunt Rose was a Parrot. Would Mr Trevor Parrot and Mrs Charlotte Parrot be more acceptable?"

"What do you think?" Trevor scowled. "Wait a minute, though." A flicker of a smile spread over his face. "Mum's mum was a Norwegian Planck. Trevor van Planck sounds like an action film star - very manly."

"Trevor Plancker would be even manlier."

"I have more than a dash of the Viking on dad's side as well. Raymond boasts his family came over with William the Conqueror. I could trump that with my ancient Nordic roots."

"There's no doubt Trevor has a lot of the Nord in him, Denise."

"So have I, Susie."

"But you're lovely with it."

"It's no good," Trevor sighed. "Dad would never let me drop Jones. Maybe I should settle for being double-barrelled: The Right Honourable Sir Trevor Ormeroyd-Jones M.P. has quite a ring to it."

"I'm beginning to feel some sympathy for Charlotte, Susie. I'm not happy about this; it's almost like I'll be betraying my feminine side."

"I take a more balanced view, Denise, they deserve each other."

"She certainly doesn't deserve Raymond. You wouldn't believe how he carries on in the office, flirting with the secretaries. I don't know how he gets away with it. He's a male chauvinist boar."

"That should put your mind at rest, Denise, we'll be striking a blow for the sisterhood. Our feminist integrity will remain intact."

"And she'll be much better off with me, Raymond would make her life a misery."

"I still think it's wrong to interfere in such intimate matters; we may blight her life."

"We're not going to hold a shotgun to her head; there's no harm in saving her from Raymond and giving her a little nudge towards Trevor."

"That's my plan."

"What is?"

"A nudge in the ribs, sneakily delivered by Denise, when we all meet up in the park this lunchtime."

"You'd better explain yourself, Trevor."

"He needn't bother. I'm not nudging anyone, sneakily or otherwise."

"Yes, you are, Denise. We can't let Trevor down."

"You just want more driving time. I don't want to pick a fight with Charlotte; who knows where it may lead."

"You won't be nudging Charlotte. It's her little beast of a brother who gets what's coming to him. With the bonus that Raymond's shown up for the jellyfish he is."

"How are we going to accomplish all that with a nudge?"

"I suppose it'll have to be more of a shove in the back, but we'll leave that to Denise's judgement."

"No, you won't," I spluttered. "Do your own blooming shoving."

"I can't. He's the sort of kid who blames the person nearest to him whenever he has an accident."

"But it won't be an accident."

"It will be if it's done properly. One minute he's sitting with you on the bridge, the next he's drowning with the ducks in the lake."

"What lake?"

"The one in the park. It'll all become clear to you - just listen."

"No!"

"Where was I? ... Oswald's yelling for help and Raymond's heading in the opposite direction. He looks after number one first - 'Lower the lifeboat, I'm in' is his motto and it will be his undoing. Charlotte will at last see him in his true colours," Trevor exulted. "Yellow, yellow, yellow."

"Are you mad - what if the kid drowns?"

"There's no danger, Denise. It's not that deep, but I'll be in there making a dramatic rescue before he finds his feet. I'll create a hell of a fuss splashing about and push him under a few times before I finally emerge triumphant."

"I'm not doing it. People can drown in two inches of water."

"Persuade her, Susie, you're further in my debt since that last speed camera. Eighty pounds and three points on my licence that's cost me."

"You've a sticky pedal," Susie huffed and eased off on the accelerator. "But it's no good, Trevor, I can't be bought. Denise is right; you're getting no help from us."

"Well said, Susie, we don't want to be involved in any more fiascos."

"I've given it a lot of thought. All I lacked was someone I could trust to do the dirty work. Denise is the missing piece of the jigsaw."

"It's a flaky scheme; just what I'd expect from you. If the kid doesn't break a leg, he'll paddle out of there and leave you looking a right noodle."

"Don't argue with him, Susie. When we arrive in town, drive straight to the bus station."

"You'd better not. I've quite a story to tell dad if you let me down."

"I just want to do what's best for you, Trevor. Less can go wrong if we play on Raymond's other weakness - his roving eye. What if he seduces Denise slap-bang under Charlotte's nose."

"No way!"

"Calm down, Denise, I'd do it myself, but I'm not dressed for the part."

"I don't mind swapping with you," I snorted and felt for the zip on my skirt.

"Don't do that!" Trevor turned away and faced the window.

Susie leant over and whispered in my ear. "I'm flying a zeppelin up the flagpole, Denise - nothing's going to come of it - trust me."

"It'd better not," I muttered and sank back in the seat.

"It's all right, Trevor, you can look. What do you think of my alternative plan?"

"The idea had crossed my mind, Susie, but we'll only have half an hour."

"Denise is a fast worker."

"I am not."

"Raymond's a crafty basket; he wouldn't fall for it. He's always on almost his best behaviour in front of Charlotte - and her father; that's where the slimy snake does his real crawling."

"We can try - from what you've said, he's the type who believe they can get away with anything."

"The big drawback to your plan is it does nothing for me. But my scheme kills two birds with one stone. He's a zero and I'm a hero."

"A wet one."

"One who can lend you a car any weekend of your choosing. Would you like to reconsider, Susie?"

"That puts the matter in an entirely different light."

"I thought it might."

"Trevor's smarter than you think; he's manipulating you, Susie."

"No, I'm not. I love this car. I'd never ever let Susie borrow it, but I'm desperate."

"Desperately cunning - watch out, Susie."

"I'm engaging in negotiations, Denise - that's all."

"We have to do it my way, Susie. The one thing that'll scuttle Raymond good and proper is if he leaves her brat of a little brother to drown."

"Are you sure, Trevor - haven't you heard of sibling rivalry?"

"If only! She has a blind spot as far as Oswald's concerned; she lets him get away with murder."

"What if Raymond doesn't react as you expect?"

"He will, Denise. He's scared silly of drowning; he fell into a water filled pothole when he was a kid."

"Even so, he may be prepared to wade in up to his knees."

"He won't. There are warning notices all around and I told him my second cousin's dog disappeared in there, never to be seen again."

"You've been very thorough."

"I know - it's my legal training."

"You need to take into account human nature as well."

"I have. A woman will never forgive a man who acts like a coward in front of her. It's fundamental female psychology."

"Where did you acquire such knowledge?"

"At university, Susie."

"Which part of media studies was that - the woman's page of the Guardian?"

"Bitter personal experience, Susie. And I've learned a whole lot more from my repeated knock-backs."

"They may have a given you a somewhat distorted view."

"I think I know more about the man-woman relationship than someone who has a schoolgirl crush on Denise. You'll understand these things better when you grow up."

"Keep your hands on the wheel, Susie," I cried. "Remember you're driving."

"There's no need to be alarmed, Denise, I won't be provoked. I wouldn't fall out with someone who's lending me his car for three weekends. Agreed, Trevor?"

"Agreed, Susie."

"Word of honour?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

"Hey, doesn't muggins who's down to do the dastardly deed get any say in the matter?"

"No, Denise. Everything is settled; Trevor has made us a very generous offer."

I threw my hands up in despair. "You're crazy if you think anything will come of it. You'll never get away with weekends joyriding in the country."

"Yes, I will. And don't worry - you'll be secure in the passenger seat alongside me.

"Whoa, Susie, that's far enough; you can't get a quart into a pint pot."

"Just another couple of inches, Denise. I don't want to leave anything sticking out; it looks so unprofessional."

"Go on, then, but be careful."

"You need have no worries, Denise, I've learned from my previous reversing experiences."

BUUUUUUUUUMMMMMPPPP!

"Ooooh, Susie, that made my bottom quiver; I hope you haven't done any damage."

"It'll be barely visible, Denise. It was a precisely calculated bang; I needed to create a little extra manoeuvring room."

"I have to hand it to you; I thought it was near impossible to squeeze in there."

"It's a tight fit, Denise, but I knew it was on." Susie switched off the engine and looked across at Trevor. "What's the matter - are you feeling carsick?"

He raised his head and took his hands from his eyes. "I didn't dare look."

"You missed an exhibition of advanced motoring skills. Denise was thrilled to bits with the experience."

"I enjoyed the bouncing back and forth, Susie. It was like being on the dodgems."

"A controlled kissing of the bumpers; they'll soon spring back into shape. They're made of that miracle space plastic, aren't they, Trevor?"

"Not on a vintage Rolls Royce, they aren't. It's old Ormeroyd's pride and joy."

"Well, he left it carelessly parked; he's intruded into your space."

"He's the big chief, Susie, he can park where he likes." Trevor got a duster out of the glove compartment. "I hope a quick polish will put things right. The trouble you land me in," he whined. "You'd better do a good job on Oswald."

"Denise will."

"Not if I can help it," I mouthed to her.

"Shush!"

"I won't shush. If Trevor had any sense, he'd know this is the least of the calamities coming his way today."

"Don't be such a Jonah, Denise, I feel we're going to exceed all his expectations."

"We'll see whose memory works best in reverse, Pollyanna," I huffed. I turned to Trevor. "You'll need more than a duster; Susie's bashed in your boss's radiator. There was a definite tinkle after the coming together."

"A tinkle, Denise, that's not even a ping."

"A Jimmy Riddle tinkle - the sound of escaping liquid."

"Oh, my God!" Trevor scrambled out of the door and round to the back of the car.

"Now see what you've done, upsetting him unnecessarily. I'll have to pour oil on troubled waters again."

"Throw petrol on the flames, more like. Trevor must be mad asking you for help."

"What he's subconsciously realised is that he needs to provoke a crisis in his affairs."

"And so he's turned to you."

"He's frantic to get things sorted one way or the other."

"It'll be the other, Susie."

"He'll still be better off than he is now. Come on - and pretend not to notice any scratches."

We met up at the back of the car and waited for Trevor to scramble out from under the Rolls.

"It's not leaking and I can't see any dents."

"Told you so - they were the gentlest of touches."

"Just enough to knock off the R.A.C. badge." I picked it up from under our rear wheel and offered it to Susie. "Ask Trevor if he's got any chewing gum."

"It's full of rust; it could have fallen off at any time. Here, trouser it, Trevor - let's hope your boss blames it on mindless yobbery."

Trevor jumped back in alarm. "I'm not getting my fingerprints on it. I'll be sunk if he suspects me."

"Break off the aerial as well, Trevor," I suggested. "It'll give added weight to Susie's vandal theory."

"That's quite enough, Denise. Put it in your pocket and we'll dispose of the incriminating evidence far away from here."

"Oh God, he'll know I did it. I'll give myself away as soon as he asks."

"You'll be okay, Trevor, the odds are he won't even notice when he backs out."

"What if he does?"

"Then you must put your trust in the rust."

"And hope you won't be sussed," I smiled.

"Oh bugger!"

"I was only joking; you'll be okay. Go and have a little snooze at your desk and forget about it." I offered him my hand. "Thanks for everything; it's been nice meeting you - sorry about the upsets."

"This is only au revoir, Denise." Trevor released his grip and drew himself up to nearly his full height. "I've steeled myself for battle. I'll see you both back here at half past twelve. Then it's on to the park - and Raymond's Waterloo."

"I'm sure Charlotte's smart enough to make the right choice; why not let events take their natural course."

"No, I'm determined to take control of the situation. I am the captain of my soul; the master of my fate."

"That doesn't sound like you, Trevor."

"It's poetry, Susie. I've been reading a lot of it lately. I thought it would help with my wooing of Charlotte, but it's not easy to slip into a conversation about horses' fetlocks and spavins."

"Have you tried the 'Charge of the Light Brigade'?"

"I'll keep that in mind for this afternoon, Denise. Everything depends on my being an action man, so don't let me down."

"You can rely on us. We'll be here on the dot and then into the park of death."

"Thanks, Susie, I knew you'd come through for me. I'd better be off; I want to get in before Raymond - every little helps. Toodle-pip."

"Toodle what?"

"Pip, pip, pip," he called over his shoulder. "It's upper crust banter. I got it off Charlotte. Aaahh, Charlotte - you'll soon be mine."

He jogged away, gave us a last wave at the door of the offices and fell in over the top step.

"I hope you took note of that, Susie."

"Don't worry, I know what to expect from Trevor."

We linked arms and set off for the high street.

"It's much better being mutually love-struck, isn't it?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way, Jeffrey."

"I can't help thinking Trevor needs a Jeeves, not a Charlotte, Susie."

"Well, he's not having mine, Jeffrey."

 

Chapter 63

"There's the bus station, Susie."

"Put that idea right out of your head, Jeffrey."

"It'll be best for everyone," I insisted.

"No, it won't." Susie steered me away round the corner. "We need someone to carry the can and he needs our assistance."

"We're only kids and he's a grown man. It would be better if he sorted out his life for himself."

"Captain of his soul - don't you believe it. He couldn't captain a tiddlywinks team. Whereas we are definitely officer material," Susie smiled and hugged me. "Born leaders."

"Speak for yourself."

"You can't deny it, Jeffrey, you always behave like an officer and a gentleman."

"What would have happened if I'd run away from Prince, Susie?"

"You didn't, Jeffrey, the inner man wouldn't let you."

"There'll be no shame in running away from Trevor. We get into enough trouble without going looking for it. This will blow up in our faces."

"Phooey! There aren't any high explosives involved. It's just your everyday tangled relationships - harmless afternoon telly stuff."

"It'll end in tears. We should get on a bus and make for home-sweet-home."

"Don't be so hasty, Jeffrey. I'll be in enough trouble for going walkabout. I can't have crippling Uncle Frank and house wrecking added in - even dad has his limits."

"Well, Trevor's crazy scheme is a non-starter under any circumstances. You remember that."

"I favour cutting out the middle-boy and pushing Charlotte in the lake - let Trevor rescue her."

"I'm having nothing to do with pushing anyone anywhere."

"You won't have to. We only have to show willing to keep our side of the bargain. I'll make that very clear to Trevor and then he'll have no cause for complaint when circumstances conspire against us."

"What if they don't?"

"They will. There are a million ways to throw a spanner in the works."

"Name one."

"Oswald spends all his time on the swings and roundabouts and never goes near the lake."

"I don't believe it! You've come up with a sensible suggestion. How do we arrange that?"

"Easy, I'll put your hair in pigtails, get you a pinafore dress and he'll have a cute little Margery to go on the seesaw with."

"Now, you've spoilt it."

"You're right; we can't be so obvious. Trevor mustn't have the slightest suspicion we're working against him."

"That's better."

"You're still up for a session as my naughty little sister, though?"

"All in good time. Any other bright ideas?"

"Well, I'd like us to ..."

"I meant about this afternoon."

"Plenty of those as well, Jeffrey, but I don't think we'll need them. The most likely outcome is that Trevor will fall headfirst into the lake himself and save us a lot of trouble."

"We'll be bored mooching around all morning."

"Tuesday's market day and we've money to spend," Susie grinned. "We'll browse round the stalls and do some shopping."

I looked over the road and saw more my kind of place. "We needn't go mad. I'd rather bag a bargain by surfing into Netto. Everyone does it - even the Queen."

"I hope that's a joke."

"Only partly - many a true word is spoken in jest."

"We're flush, Jeffrey. You'd have to be as tight as a duck's house - and that's waterproof - to begrudge me a few little extravagances."

"Well, go easy and don't be tempted by any magic beans; we've had enough adventures as it is."

"We've only just begun, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie, I know."

"Stop fidgeting and show a bit more enthusiasm, Denise."

I kept still and dutifully looked in the mirror as Susie held up yet another top against me.

"I'm not really a clothes person."

"You little liar, Denise, you can't wait to try on my whole wardrobe."

"I admit it's been fascinating wearing something different this past week, but I'm actually not that keen on the shopping."

"What you mean is you hate spending money."

"Those shoes you bought didn't seem good value. I'd be more interested in scouring the charity shops for vintage stuff."

"Second-hand you mean," Susie snorted.

"Previously owned - it's the latest trend; I read it in Vogue."

"Don't tell fibs, Denise."

"I suppose it could have been My Weekly."

"Or Exchange and Mart."

"Honest, Susie, I flick through all the women's magazines and not only for the lingerie adverts. I like doing things with my hands; I'm keen to have a go at some of those knitting patterns."

"Any one in particular?"

"A trapeze dress."

"Mind you don't fall of it."

"You're wonderful!" I gave Susie a big hug. "I was willing you to say that; maybe we are psychic twins."

"Sometimes you're a mystery to me, Jeffrey."

"All will eventually be revealed, Susie."

"I know your darkest secret already; you're careful with our cash."

"If we spend anything on clothes, I'd just like it to be a good investment."

Susie returned the tops to the rack. "It's not really our sort of stuff and there's nowhere to try things on; that's the drawback with markets."

"It's an advantage in my opinion. I'm wary of stripping in public; you never know where the next hidden camera is lurking."

"You'd put on a show for it, Denise."

"I admit I like you to watch me dressing up, but I've discovered an even more fascinating hobby."

"What's that, Denise?"

"You, Susie - it's funny how something I never ever imagined turns out to be what I really, really wanted."

"I know what you mean."

"I know you know what I mean."

"I know you know I know what I mean."

"I know you know I ..."

We 'I know you knowed' until we were back out on the street.

"You can be daft as a brush, Jeffrey."

"Only with you, Susie," I smiled. "What's next?"

"I've been thinking - we've had a little holiday excursion; maybe I should take home a present for mum and dad - a kind of peace offering."

"They won't fall for that; it's too obvious. You'll only arouse their suspicions."

"I'll have to judge it right; just a small token to tug at their heartstrings."

"Get your mum a deep-fat-fryer and your dad a box of Mars bars."

"Jeffrey!"

"Bananas, then."

"Will you be serious! This is a delicate matter. It's the thought that counts - something sentimental ..."

"Then they will wonder what's been going on. You'd be better off sending a saucy postcard."

"We don't want to give even a hint of Percy Filth."

"Not a honeymoon couple one - more your two fat ladies with big bottoms."

"Jeffrey!"

"It was only an idea. Here's another one - maybe our explanations would be more acceptable in the form of a neatly written letter."

"Are you nuts?"

"You could write to your uncle as well. I'm sure it's the olde worlde kind of thing he'd look on favourably."

"There's an art to letter writing, Jeffrey and I've never practised it."

"We can get help from a book. I've a copy of 'Lord Chesterfield's Letters to his Son'. I knew it would come in handy one day."

"He'll hardly have covered our situation."

"No, but they knew how to turn a phrase in the those days, Susie. We can work in a few of his literary gems among our unpalatable facts."

"There's a big flaw in your plan, Jeffrey."

"What's that?"

"We'd have had to post it a week ago for it to get there today."

"Aaahh."

"Curb your flights of fancy for a more appropriate occasion. Let's get back to the pressie, which we should never have left."

"How about a novelty stick of rock with 'Kiss me quick' running though it?"

"That's tacky and useless. I need something practical to remind them of a dutiful daughter."

"Then you can't go wrong with a box of Manx kippers. That's what I'll get mum - for her to give to granddad. There's subtlety for you."

"Not a good idea - we don't want to remind them of our diversion."

"I can't think of anything else; I'm no good at choosing presents. One birthday, I actually bought a lavatory brush for Aunt Jane."

"Hey, didn't I already say that?"

"Almost - it must be another case of deja loo."

"Spooky, Jeffrey - even when I'm joking, I know the sort of gifts you think appropriate. It just goes to show how deep an understanding of your psychological make-up I have."

"I thought it was because we had a collective unconsciousness."

"It's both. My instinctive analysis of your character told me it's just the kind of childish prank that would amuse you."

"Well, you're wrong there because it was genuinely meant. I took a lot of trouble over it. The care I lavished on wrapping it up should have been proof enough. I struggled for ages to keep it from poking through."

"Why didn't you leave it in the box?"

"There wasn't one."

"You gave your aunt a second-hand lavatory brush for her birthday?"

"It was in pristine condition, but it wasn't received in the spirit it was given."

"She didn't appreciate the gesture, eh."

"Nobody did - an awkward silence descended."

"You can't please some folk; I've found that with Uncle Frank."

"And I'd bought it out of my own money. It wasn't cheap plastic tat; it was top of the range - a Rolls Royce of crapperama. Ram's horn and badger hair with 'Made in England' stamped on it - a rarity in itself. If they'd kept it, they'd have had a collector's item. It would have been cash in the khazi."

"It wasn't from Aldi, then."

"No, I spent ages rooting around in 'Junk and Disorderly' to find the perfect gift - it was bankrupt stock."

"I'm not surprised; it didn't sound very practical."

"They could have kept it for show as an objet d'art - and a talking-point."

"We had a modern flexible one, but that wasn't much good. I think it had a design fault; I got it stuck round the U-bend trying to get rid of a Mikey floater."

"I expect that didn't go down too well with your dad."

"I left it there for Mikey to take the blame; that was my big mistake. I should have owned up straight away."

"I think that may be a failing of yours, Susie."

"Of ours, Jeffrey."

"Did you have to pay for the plumber?"

"No, dad managed to remove it after some careful manipulation."

"That wasn't too bad, then."

"Not really, it was dad's curry night with the rugby crowd. He came home, rushed upstairs and didn't put the light on. His scream woke the whole house."

"A natural reaction - it must have been quite a shock, coming out of the loo like that."

"It had a nice smooth rubber handle, no sharp edges. He can't have felt more than a minor tingling sensation. He overreacted in my opinion."

"You didn't tell him that."

"Not in so many words - I may have gone around singing 'Ring of Fire' for a few days."

"There wasn't any permanent damage, though."

"No, but I've noticed he doesn't flop down in the armchair anymore."

"Maybe I should bring my whoopee cushion round at Christmas. It'd serve him right; turning mum against me like that."

"Don't exaggerate."

"I'm not. I was there for mum in her hour of need - and it was more eye-watering than a handle up the arse."

"Really, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, she trod on a three-inch darning needle. It disappeared all the way up into her heel; you could only see the eye."

"Aw, don't tell me anymore."

"I didn't flinch; I got the head between my teeth and pulled it out - very slowly. That's real sang-froid for you; I surprised myself. I bet I could deliver a baby in an emergency - and bite of the umbilical cord."

"You were a bloody marvel, Jeffrey."

"I know I was. You didn't rush to pull that lavatory brush out of your dad's bum, did you?"

"It wasn't quite the same thing."

"Was so. I'm getting mum a sewing outfit. I hope it pricks her conscience."

"You don't needle to, Jeffrey, she loves you."

"I know that, but it won't do any harm to remind her of my filial devotion. Since I've stopped moping around in my bedroom, she may be taking me for granted."

"Dad says I don't appreciate his efforts on my behalf. I wonder if I should get him a new lavatory brush - maybe something ornamental. What do you think, Jeffrey?"

"Like a stick with a horse's head handle."

"That's an idea - a Victorian collectable. Look out for an antique shop."

"Wait until we get home; I don't want to be lugging stuff around for the rest of day. With the amount of running we have to do, we should always travel light. Let's confine ourselves to window shopping."

"Aw, Jeffrey."

"Never mind 'aw, Jeffrey'. If we get home with our cash intact, we can have lots of fun counting our money."

"We'll compromise and buy something small."

"Yellow driving gloves!"

"Dad's lost his."

"They won't fit him."

"That's your fault for dragging me into Oxfam. You and your bloody bargains."

"A cylindrical slide-rule with all the functions is a collector's item," I exulted, as I twisted it out to its full extension. "I bet you've never seen anything like that before, Susie."

"I thought it was a telescope, Jeffrey - what are all those squiggly little numbers?"

"I echo your sentiments, but I'm still none the wiser."

"It's what scientists and engineers used before they had calculators."

Susie gave me a dubious look. "Go on, then, ask it what two plus two is."

"It's not really for adding up, you do that yourself."

"You've been sold a pup, Jeffrey, unless it's made of gold."

"It's brass, like all your top scientific instruments."

"But what use is it?"

"It's an interesting artifact."

"Not to me."

"Wernher von Braun designed the moon rocket with one."

"Keep trying."

"It may be worth hundreds."

"Put it in my bag, Jeffrey."

"I think we should have a light lunch, Susie."

"Like what?"

"A packet of crisps."

"You're joking, Jeffrey - my ribs are rattling."

"It's dangerous to go swimming after a heavy meal."

"Who's going swimming?"

"We probably are if you insist on helping Trevor."

"You're turning into a proper little Cassandra."

"She was always right, but no one would listen."

"Rest assured we won't be dipping so much as a big toe in the water. We're having a proper meal at a high class eatery - no expense spared."

"I know the very place, Susie, we passed it back there. Come on, you can have carte blanche with the menu."

"Is it posh?"

"Super posh - remember to stick out your little finger."

"Remind me, Jeffrey - do you work from the outside in or the inside out with the cutlery?"

"You can't beat sharing fish and chips out of the paper, can you, Susie? It's so romantic."

"And cheap, Jeffrey."

"Economical - one lot of chips between us was more than enough."

"My bottom thanks you, but I was surprised you didn't ask if they'd got any scraps."

"Be fair, we had a jumbo fish each. The most expensive on offer - dearer than salmon."

"What came over you, Jeffrey? I thought the best I could hope for was a titchy fillet of coley."

"'Never mind the pollocks - In cod we trust'. That's our motto." I smiled down at Pinky and Perky and gave them a little shake.

"Ah, so you do believe me about cod's feminizing effects."

"No, I'm just having a joke with the boys."

"You are what you eat, Denise. You should take dietary matters seriously."

"I do, Susie, I avoid all products of the cow."

"I didn't know you were a Hindu, Jeffrey."

"I'm not."

"They worship cows."

"No they don't and neither do I."

"Why do Batman and Robin say 'holy cow', then?"

"What has that to do with it? They're not Hindus."

"It proves someone somewhere worships cows."

"And I suppose 'holy moley' proves someone somewhere worships moles."

"I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"Well, it's not me. All I meant to say was that I'm allergic to cow's milk."

"You drank the goat's milk."

"That was an entirely different cup of tea; I'm fine with that."

"I wouldn't fancy it; I don't trust goats - they're shifty. You get cuddly hippos and even cuddly dinosaurs, but you'd be hard put to find a cuddly goat."

"Or a cartoon one."

"Right - that should tell you something. I don't know how you drink the stuff."

"That was a one off. I'm a vegan. I avoid all animal products - apart from fish and chicken - and eggs, of course. And the occasional bacon butty at gran's; I wouldn't want to offend her."

"You're kind of a Catholic vegan - do it and confess."

"I've never been in a MacDonald's or a Burger King that's what really counts."

"I think I'm practically a vegan as well."

"We won't have any arguments over food, then."

"What do vegans drink?"

"I stick to the soya substitute stuff - lots of it."

"That's news to me. Is it news to you that it withers willies?"

"I goggle at your googling, Susie."

"I'm a biologist, Jeffrey, I have to keep up with all the latest developments."

"'So-Good Soya' is my favourite; I've had nothing else since I was a baby. And if it starts flowing out of Pinky and Perky - so be it."

"So be it, Jeffrey."

Susie gave me a kiss and we leaned back on the bench with our arms around each other.

"This is nice," I sighed. "A mellow autumn afternoon in the park. Time to sit and stare."

"A pity Trevor's not enjoying it. I hope Charlotte will be worth the ulcers."

I looked across at him pacing up and down the lakeside path, fretting over her non-arrival.

"We've been waiting a quarter of an hour; you don't think he's been making it all up, do you, Susie?"

"No, but he's probably been exaggerating his chances. Give him the slightest encouragement and he'll fall head over heels in love."

"I can believe that."

"Watch out, here he comes. You'll be in danger of getting him on the rebound if you don't button yourself up."

"I will when you'll stop playing with them."

 

Chapter 64

"Modesty is restored," Susie smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

"I think we may have overstepped the mark again," I murmured, as I looked up.

"Erm ..."

"What's the matter, Trevor?"

"It's nothing personal, Susie," he frowned, "but I hope you won't be so advanced around Charlotte. She isn't one of your modern women."

"She's certainly a behind the times one, or have you got things muddled?"

"No, she's definitely on her way, Susie. It won't be long now, I promise." Trevor shaded his eyes and stared across the park. "Come on, Charlotte - where are you?" He finally turned away in frustration and began circling the bench.

"Ssssssitttttt, Trevor - anyone would think you had a ferret in your trousers."

"All this stress is giving me restless legs, Susie," he groaned and slumped down beside her. "They won't keep still and I've butterflies in my stomach."

"Have a chip, that'll calm your nerves."

"No thanks, I don't want to risk getting any greasy finger marks on Charlotte."

"You've bitten off more than you've had hot dinners with her. That's my honest opinion, but we'll do our best for you."

"She's stood him up, Susie," I mumbled through a mouthful of cod. "Can we go when we've finished these?"

"We'll leave that to Trevor. I wouldn't want him to think we were lacking in enthusiasm."

"Another ten minutes - it'll be Oswald making her late. He does it on purpose."

"Is that all right with you, Denise?"

"I'll take my time and savour every bite, Susie - this is working out fine. God bless little Oswald is what I say," I added in a whisper.

"I heard that. You'll soon change your tune when you meet him."

"Maybe he's just a lonely misunderstood child; I have a lot of sympathy for someone in that situation and so does Susie."

"Not that much - I've had thirteen years of Mikey, don't forget. Still, I'm prepared to make allowances in his case; it can't be much fun for a young kid to be saddled with a name like Oswald."

"My granddad's called Oswald. It would have been my middle name if mum hadn't put her foot down."

"Denise Oswald, that would have confused people," Trevor laughed.

"It's not funny wanting to pass on family names," I huffed. "Mum wanted me to have a Marilyn in there somewhere."

"That was before you were born, of course."

"No, they were arguing about it right up to my christening, Susie."

"I can't believe your mother would ever have inflicted Marilyn on you."

"What's wrong with Marilyn, Susie? It would have suited Denise very well."

"It's old-fashioned, Trevor - and she would have always been going once more into the bleach."

"Oh."

"Mum was willing to compromise on Marion - like John Wayne - but dad was having none of it. He always thought there was something not quite one hundred percent about him."

"Never!"

"Definitely iffy - he wouldn't have prospered in the world of scrap metal with a pink vest and a funny walk. It's a very macho business."

"I knew your dad was in the mafia. Are you listening, Trevor? Don't cross Denise or you'll end up eating your ears - or worse."

"Shut up, he'll believe you."

"No, I won't. I'm used to having my leg pulled by Susie - and broken, for that matter."

"You mean the foot wasn't the first time."

"The third."

"Susie!"

"I just happened to be there when he had his accidents. They weren't my fault. Trevor's always had an urge to impress me by jumping from great heights."

"I wish you'd stop jabbering and finish eating," Trevor blushed. "I don't want to introduce you to Charlotte while you're scoffing away."

"Are you sure you won't have one, Trevor?"

"Positive! I don't want Charlotte to smell them on me. I haven't forgotten how she turned her nose up when I ordered scampi and chips. She considers all fried food strictly working-class fodder. The funny thing is her dad wears a flat cap and my dad wears a top hat."

"Nothing is as it seems," Susie grinned. "Here, dispose of the evidence of our plebeian taste."

She passed over the remains of our meal; Trevor dumped them in the litterbin and then carefully inspected us.

"You've got brown sauce round your mouths - don't let Charlotte see it."

We licked our lips and rubbed away with the backs of our hands.

"There, will that meet with her approval?"

"Denise's lips have gone from pink to red; she's not tattooed, is she?"

"Of course, I'm not; it's the undercoat plus a healthy glow."

"They're very bright; could you tone it down a bit? Charlotte regards that sort of thing as common."

"And Susie thinks it would be a good idea to push her in the lake. Say the word and I'll give it a go."

"No, don't do that. I didn't mean to upset you. It suits you ... really it does."

I folded my arms and slumped back on the bench. "I can't help my natural colouring - tell him, Susie."

"They'll go back to normal in a minute; there must have been something in the sauce. It's made my lips sting as well."

"Okay, I'm sorry, but will you ask Denise to put her legs together," he mumbled. "I can see right under her skirt."

I straightened up and glared at Trevor, who started fiddling with his tie.

"Someone sporting a yellow eyesore with pink polka dots has no room to talk about my lips," I huffed.

"They're pastel colours, very soothing. It was a present from Charlotte. She knows how to coordinate; she's very fashion conscious."

"One brain cell short of a keep left sign, more like, Trevor."

"Don't insult the future Mrs Jones, Susie - that's a line you mustn't cross."

"Colour-blind, then."

"Charlotte's neither. These are her racing colours for point-to-point; I'm proud to wear them."

"She's a jockey?"

"A serious horsewoman, Susie - dressage and everything."

"Well, what do you think of that, Denise?"

"Maybe she's thrown a shoe on the way. I'm fed up, Susie, it's been more than ten minutes - can we go?"

"Charlotte will be here soon - just wait," Trevor begged, "there's no rush."

"We'll miss our bus."

"And Susie will miss my car."

"Patience, Denise, we'll see out the lunch hour and then we'll have kept our side of the bargain - agreed, Trevor."

"I suppose so," he sighed.

"I'm still bored."

"We should have brought something to feed the ducks."

"I don't like birds, Susie. There's something about feathers I find unsettling."

"They're top class in pillows, though."

"And they've a funny way of looking at you."

"Beady-eyed."

"They give me the jitters; hopping around on those bony feet and pecking away with their pointy beaks."

"Not your ducks, Denise. They're innocent on both counts."

"But they're disease carriers; it's best to keep away from them. Quackers and Donald Duck are the only ones I've any time for."

"I like him, but that Mickey Mouse is a self-important little bugger." Susie gave Trevor a dig in the ribs. "You're moving in grand company - how would you rate Mickey in the pomposity stakes?"

"I've no idea; I can barely remember him."

"You were Disney mad."

"Well, I've grown out of it."

"Not according to your wallpaper."

"I was planning to paint over it. I've put those childish things behind me."

"All you watch is cartoons."

"Not any more - I'm devoted to news and documentaries now; things that will help me get on in my career."

"I like Countdown and I missed it yesterday. Let's have a game to pass the time."

"That is boring, Denise."

"If we carry on like this, Susie, I'll be boring you with my other TV favourite."

"What's that?"

"The Sky at Night. I've a short-focus telescope in my tool shed. Did you notice it - tucked away there at the back?"

"Yes, I could just make it out behind all the soft clinging gossamer. The whole place needs a good tidy-up."

"That's a coincidence ..."

"What?"

"Denise having a telescope; I'm planning on getting one."

"I'm surprised you're interested in Astronomy, Trevor. Do you know your Arcturus from your Albireo?"

"It's for the birds, Denise. I've been following all those programmes on the telly."

"I wouldn't have thought Charlotte wanted a twitcher for a boyfriend."

"It's part of my master plan, Susie. I'm waiting for an opportunity to impress Charlotte's dad with my knowledge. He has a duck island on his lake, a grouse moor in Scotland and a roomful of shotguns - he's a keen orthinologist."

"He's interested in word botching, is he?"

"What's that?" Trevor gave me a puzzled look.

"Don't tease, Denise, you're confusing Trevor. He has a lot on his mind at the moment."

"Too true, but at least I've had a success in striking up a special relationship with his ducks. I started by casting my bread on the waters and now I've got them trained to eat out of my hand - crusts and all."

"Next thing, you'll be teaching them to fly. That won't do you any good - they'll be harder to shoot."

"You can scoff, Susie, but it's important to make a favourable impression on your girlfriend's father."

"Trevor has a point, Denise, you shouldn't have given up your rugby career. Where was it you played?"

"Fly-half."

"That was before you met me - when you were stand-offish."

"Yes - and when I became more stand-outish, I got funny looks from the other boys."

"I wish I'd been one of them."

"Look, Denise, we've cheered up Trevor."

"You always have that effect on me, Susie," he grinned.

"Really, Trevor."

"Yes, you're sort of infectious."

"Hold on."

"In the nicest possible way. And that's not all - I've been getting some envious looks sitting here with you two. It's making me feel pretty chipper."

"Denise could give you a few come hither glances when Charlotte arrives. Nothing blatant, but the suggestion of a younger, prettier rival may work wonders."

"No, don't do that under any circumstances, Denise - it's too risky. Leave us adults alone and gravitate towards Oswald. It'll make things easier if you get the little devil to like you."

"He won't be interested in talking to a girl."

"He's a conceited toad - flatter him."

"I don't know anything about kid brothers; how do I do that, Susie?"

"You need have no worries there, Denise, it'll be a piece of cake for someone with your intellectual accomplishments. Ask him his opinion of logical positivism. Mikey and I discuss little else; he's panting to discover your views on the matter."

"Actually, Susie, I think Mikey may be a little too familiar with me. He doesn't fully appreciate our age difference. How old is Oswald, Trevor?"

"A mature ten."

"I wouldn't want him to see me as a potential girlfriend. Put my hair up, Susie, I'll be safer with a more sophisticated look."

"Turn around, my magic hands will soon transform you into Princess Denise."

"What are you smiling at, Trevor?"

"Nothing, I just like seeing you together."

"I told you, Denise, he's in love with us."

"Only in a big brotherly way," he blushed. "Just a suggestion, Denise but you're doing it again - could you show a little less leg?"

"My skirt's over my hips already; it won't go any lower." I gave it a token tug. "Is that any better?"

"No, you're showing your belly button now. That wouldn't go down at all well with, Charlotte."

"Shut up, Trevor, you'll give Denise a complex. Take no notice - with your hair up like this, you're a match for anyone."

"Thanks, Susie."

"Any other suggestions before we meet your goddess, Trevor?"

"There is one minor matter," Trevor hesitated. "It's a bit delicate; I don't want to give offence - especially to Denise."

"Spit it out, Trevor, Denise is an iron butterfly, believe me."

"How can I best put this?"

"In words - get on with it."

"Has Denise got a ... got a ..."

"Got a what?"

"A telephone voice."

"A telephone voice - what are you wittering on about?"

"She's a very bright girl, but can you ask her to talk a little less broad? And if you could sort of do the same thing ..."

"You bloody cheeky bugger!"

"No, no - I just want you both to be socially mobile and move up a class, like me."

"I'm lost for words. What do you say, Denise?"

"At the third stroke it will be twelve forty-five and thirty seconds. Pip ... Pip ... Pip."

"It's not funny, Denise. Estate agents are members of the bourgeoisie. We live at the semi-posh end of town; I can almost see the golf course from my bedroom window."

"I can see the abattoir chimney from mine. It's a blot on the landscape, but it's handy for the Saturday job."

"You're joking, aren't you?" Trevor gawked.

"Of course she is; that's when I give Denise her elocution and deportment lessons."

"I'm hoping they'll enable me to pass for a member of the booboisie. I have my heart set on becoming a BBC weather girl."

"You're developing splendidly, Denise. Show off what you've learned to Trevor."

"In Hereford, Hertshire and Hampshire hurricanes hardly happen."

"Wonderful, wonderful ... "Trevor suddenly sprang to his feet. "It couldn't be better, because here they come. Mind your manners, Susie - and keep up the accent, Denise."

"Corrugated iron to you! See if Charlotte can get her tongue around that."

"Well said, Denise." Susie hooted and pulled me to my feet. "I feel reet Lanky. Follow me, let's clog dance across the park."

We linked arms and set off with a whoop.

"Oh don't, Susie, you'll spoil everything." Trevor dashed in front of us. "Shush! ... Shush!"

"It's all right; we were just having a bit of fun. Give them a wave before they wonder what's going on."

Trevor turned to face the group coming towards us. "Oh hell, more complications - who's that girl tagging along behind? I've never seen her before."

"So Charlotte's the one with the man on her arm."

"That's her, Denise, isn't she lovely?"

"No doubt about it."

"But a definite bossy boots," Susie added. "It's written all over her face."

"Aristocratic is what you mean," Trevor sighed. "It takes generations of gentility to acquire such poise and she's wasting it on that cad Raymond," he snorted. "Come on - and save your nonsense for him."

"Calm down and comb the hair out of your eyes."

"Okay - and you give yourselves a spray of something; I don't want Charlotte to smell those chips."

"You're pushing your luck," Susie huffed, but she obeyed and doused us both with the last of her original Obsession.

"That Raymond's certainly got a spring in his step," I remarked, as we drew closer.

"He's cock-a-hoop, Denise - and I know why. Charlotte's made her choice and brought along a girlfriend for Trevor as a consolation prize."

"Bloody nonsense!"

"Bloody marvellous is what I say. Nobody's going to get their feet wet. Settle for her; she's a nice looking girl - you could do worse."

"Take Denise's advice, Trevor, there's plenty of other puddles on the beach."

"And in the bathroom - don't you forget."

"I just want you to be prepared for a disappointment. Because that's your lot - not Charlotte. You're about to be dumped, cuz."

"Palming off an unwanted boyfriend on your girlfriend seems a pretty mean trick, Susie."

"It may come as a shock to you, Denise, but not all the fair sex are made of sugar and spice and genteel like what we are."

"Charlotte may be a trifle arrogant, but this is Raymond's doing," Trevor seethed. "The scheming sod's brought along one of his cast-offs to try and mess me up. I knew I was right to get my retaliation in first. Well, we'll see who has the last laugh."

"It seems pretty pointless, now. Let's say 'hello - goodbye' and be on our way home. What do you think, Susie?"

"I agree. Raymond would hardly risk exposing one of his old flames to Charlotte. Bow out gracefully, Trevor - that's my advice."

"Stick to our plan - or it's no car for you."

Susie considered the matter for only a moment. "We may have been a little hasty in jumping to conclusions, Denise. Trevor could be right; that girl doesn't look very happy at the prospect of meeting her new boyfriend."

"I'll behave like a gentleman, but I'm having nothing to do with her."

"She has a nice modest air about her; I bet she'll be a lot less trouble than Charlotte. Give her a chance, Trevor," I urged. "Maybe she's a Fortescue like Raymond. Fortescue-Jones sounds even better than Ormeroyd-Jones."

"I'm not having that oily sneak for a relation," Trevor hissed. "The gloves are off. See if you can get the bugger to make a fool of himself, Susie."

"What with the added complications, I think four weekends loan of the car is fair."

"Only if you succeed."

"Two for a glorious failure."

"Okay," Trevor conceded, "but it has to be a damn good try."

"You can rely on us."

"Then leave everything to me from now on and only speak when you're spoken to." Trevor fluffed up his tie and strode out ahead.

"Remember your promise, Susie - keep your word."

"I will - one way or another, Denise."

 

Chapter 65

"What's the matter - is she waiting for us to curtsy?" I hissed in Susie's ear.

"Follow Trevor's lead," Susie whispered. "He'll have brushed up on the proper etiquette. How to ask the pope for a dance and all that stuff. If he bows, do a little bob - that's not a curtsying skirt. "

Charlotte heard our murmurings, gave us a frosty look and decided to ignore us.

"Hello, Trevor."

"Hello, Charlotte."

"Raymond's brought his cousin, Fiona, along - isn't that nice?"

"Pleased to meet you," he mumbled.

Fiona barely nodded and Trevor looked down at his feet.

"No need to be shy, old boy," Raymond laughed. "I've told Fiona all about you - apart from the ear - that's new. What happened - did you hurt it in a skiing accident or get stuck in another revolving door?"

"Er ... er," Trevor stammered.

"Neither, he got it saving us from a ferocious dog," Susie volunteered. "He's a man you can always rely on in an emergency."

"Anyone who can subdue a Rottweiler with only a banana for protection deserves a medal," I declared.

Raymond was nonplussed for a moment before favouring us with a wolfish grin.

"You're a dark horse," he smirked at Trevor. "Where have you been hiding these two delightful young ladies?"

Susie rolled her eyes at me. "Whaigat aiga praigat."

"Waigall paigash haigam aigan thaiga laigakaiga."

They all appeared nonplussed.

"Sorry," Susie smiled, "we were practicing our Greek. Carry on, Trevor, introduce us."

"Um ... this is my cousin Susie and her best friend Denise. They're visiting for the day."

Susie stepped forward. "Hello, I'm a bilingual psychologist and Denise is ..."

"A cyclist and a potholer," I interrupted. "That's a speleologist to the cognoscenti."

"Those are her hobbies - she's really a trainee trichologist."

"I do nails as well, don't forget. All the dead bits, in fact - anyone suffering from corns or segs?"

Charlotte wrinkled her nose. "Is your friend feeling all right?"

"Denise is fine - just a bit hyper at the moment. There must have been some of her verboten E-numbers in the brown sauce. It'll soon wear off."

"Never mind them!" A stocky boy pushed his way to the front of the group. "You're ignoring me. Here," he thrust the remains of a meat pie into Raymond's hand, "you made me eat gristle; I'm telling mother."

Raymond forced a sickly smile and threw the pie into the lake. "I told you it was rubbish, but ..."

"I'm bored listening to all your silly talk. I should come first; I'm the most important person."

Charlotte patted him on the head. "Of course you are, dear."

"Did you hear that?" he challenged.

We nodded and smiled. He responded by sticking out his tongue.

"I hope your nudging muscles are up to it," Susie whispered in my ear, "because he'll take some shifting. He has, what's politely called, a low centre of gravity."

"I want an ice-cream. Send Trevor for one."

Charlotte slipped him a ten-pound note. "You can have two, if you get them yourself."

"And I can keep the change for going."

"Yes."

He snatched the money and charged off to the kiosk. "I'm telling mum it's your fault if I make myself sick."

"Little brothers can be a trial," Susie smiled. "Mikey's always landing me in trouble. His one aim in life is to ruin my chances of getting a car."

"You don't look old enough to drive."

"It's a mistake a lot of people make. I expect it's because I go around with Denise. She's a late bloomer and her persona rubs off on me."

"Trevor hasn't given you any lessons, has he?"

"Oh no, he tried to explain some of the finer points on our way into town this morning. He was very patient, but he said I wasn't quick on the uptake like you. He thinks you're a natural behind the wheel."

"Do you really, Trevor?" Charlotte beamed.

"Yes, it took me years to get the feel for a car you have. You'll have no trouble passing your test first time."

"See, Raymond," Charlotte crowed, "I told you there was something wrong with your gearstick. I never bump along like that with Trevor."

"My car is really only suitable for an experienced driver, Charlotte, it's a sensitive thoroughbred."

"So am I."

"And so is mine," Trevor spluttered indignantly. "It suits Charlotte perfectly. It's responsive to her delicate feminine touch."

"Then you'll be the ideal person to give Fiona her first lesson," Raymond exclaimed. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, dear?"

Trevor shuffled uncomfortably as we waited for her answer.

"Don't be shy, Fiona, say something," Raymond urged.

"He doesn't look like Brad Pitt."

"I never said he did."

"You hinted. I don't suppose I look like Angelina Jolie, either."

"They were an example of a well-matched couple."

"If that's what you think we are," Fiona huffed, "I'm going to spend a penny."

"Women!" Raymond snorted in disgust, as she turned on her heel and strode away.

"I'm a woman, Raymond."

"One in a million, Charlotte."

"Creep," Susie muttered.

"What?"

"Crepe - I was explaining to Denise what Charlotte's pants are made of."

"They're the finest corduroy. Are you trying to be funny?"

"No, I was admiring them; I can see we both prefer to wear the trousers. I get fed up with Denise always pestering me to go about in skirts. Is Raymond the same?"

"No, he isn't."

"I bet my bum to Blackpool Tower he is."

"I haven't any more time to waste on silly nonsense," Charlotte snapped. "Raymond, go and keep an eye on Oswald - and take those two with you. I want to talk to Trevor - alone."

"But, Charlotte ..."

"Hurry up, there'll be hell to pay if Oswald gets lost."

"Come on, girls." Raymond gritted his teeth. "You can have the pleasure of negotiating with Oswald."

"He's your responsibility, Raymond," Charlotte called after him.

We hurried along behind as he furiously strode towards the kiosk.

"I reckon Charlotte's making monkeys out of the pair of them, Susie."

"A veritable organ-grinder, Denise."

"You're a couple of cheeky young things."

"He should be grateful to hear our expert views, shouldn't he, Denise?"

"They could save him from a fate worse than death, Susie."

"It will be different when I get a ring on her finger; then the riding boot will be on the other foot."

"I can't see someone like that changing; I expect she's used to getting her own way. Isn't Charlotte a high-born honourable or something?"

"A thousand years of in-breeding there, Denise."

"Haughty like an Arab stallion."

"There's haut coming out of all her orifices."

"Is that what Trevor's told you?"

"Think again, Raymond," Susie smirked. "He's infatuated - a word of criticism never crosses his lips."

"Is that true, Denise?"

"I don't know; I only met him yesterday. I would have thought he was just her type, though."

"Really."

"Yeah, a big floppy puppy, anxious to please; he's happy being bossed about. Charlotte must have a hell of a lot of money for you to be interested in her."

"You're a naughty little bugger."

"Susie says I'm precocious."

"Then you're the ideal person to negotiate with Oswald. Be a love and go fetch him; I'm not in the mood to bandy words with an obstreperous ten year old."

"He's not going to do what I say."

"I'm sure you'll find some way to coax him along; none of we men are immune to a pretty girl's charms." Raymond gave me a pat on the bottom and I skittered out of his reach. "Go on, you're half way there now and it'll give me a chance to pump Susie about Trevor."

"It's okay, Denise, he'll be wasting his time. Trevor has no hidden depths - except," Susie grinned and turned to Raymond. "You'd better not push him too far because he's formidable with his fists."

"I'm not falling for that. He couldn't knock the skin of a rice pudding."

"You've been warned; Trevor's the quiet man of white-collar cage-fighting, ask Denise."

"Susie's right - the bell rang and the budgie never stood a chance."

I gave Oswald a friendly wave as I approached the kiosk.

"You're the crazy girl," he hollered. "I'm like you; I'm not allowed E-numbers. I'm not supposed to have this stuff either." He took a giant bite out of each of the cones. "Bird shit with sugar, that's what dad calls it," he sputtered.

"I'll keep your secret, then."

"Dad wouldn't take any notice of you - you're a bimbo."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Dad treats girls like you to his filthy black frogspawn. It's bloody awful. I fed mine to the dog and it chucked up all over the carpet."

"That's always the danger when you eat something you shouldn't. You'd better not go on the swings or slide after that lot or you'll be sick."

"No, I won't; I can do what I like. And don't you try and stop me or I'll put these down your front," he threatened

I took a precautionary step back. "I'm only following orders; I've been sent to fetch you. Are you coming?"

Oswald shook his head. "Not yet - wait till I've finished and then I'll think about it."

"Well, don't be long or we'll upset Raymond."

"Bugger him." He shoved the remains of both cornets into his mouth and swallowed the lot in one gulp. "If I get an ice cream headache, it's your fault for making me rush."

"Don't blame me because you can't eat and walk at the same time."

"Got a Miss Smartypants to do the dirty work, have they?"

I decided to empathise. "You know what grown-ups are like," I moaned, "they don't want us kids around."

"How old are you?"

I sucked my thumb and split the difference. "Thirteen, like you."

"I know what your game is," Oswald leered. "I'm not falling for it. Girls aren't going to make a fool of me."

"What do I care?" I pouted. "I'm fed up. I didn't want to spend the afternoon being dragged around a park. All we've done is look at ruddy ducks. You're not my problem - let Raymond deal with you."

"I hate him. Dad takes his side against me."

"What about Trevor?"

"He's a moorhen. Charlotte must be mad to bother with either of them. Have you got a boyfriend?"

"No. And Trevor's not a moron - he's only slightly cuckoo-cuckoo."

"You're a cutie-cutie," he sniggered.

"You shouldn't say that."

"I can call you what I like. You're a bit of tottie."

"I am not."

"Yes, you are - ask my dad," he grinned and turned away. "Follow me, sugarplum, I might come with you after I've gone down the slide."

"You can't. You're too old for that; it's only for little kids."

"I am a little kid when it suits me."

"I'd be scared of the park-keeper chasing me."

"That's because you're a sissy girl." Oswald scooted away and headed for the play area.

"Don't run so fast, Oswald."

"Come on, you've got to look after me."

"Just once, then, or you'll get me in trouble."

"They won't blame you." He swerved past Raymond and thumped him in the back. "It'll be your fault if I break my neck," he jeered.

"I'll settle with you one day," Raymond yelled after him.

"Sucks to you."

"This way," I shouted, as I came alongside Susie.

"What have you been saying to him, Denise?"

I caught her by the arm and pulled her along. "It seems I'm not the only one who's susceptible to reverse psychology."

"Stop playing silly beggars," Raymond ordered. "You'll only encourage the little beast and we'll be here all day. I want to get back to Charlotte."

"There's no rush; we shouldn't deny a boy his childhood pleasures."

"We could even have a go on the swings ourselves, Denise."

"Better not - it'd be a tight squeeze in those seats - we might get our bottoms stuck."

"Are you implying ..."

"I said 'we', Susie - the truth is I don't want my legs in the air while I'm wearing this skirt."

"Don't be so selfish."

"Can we concentrate on the job in hand for now - keeping Oswald occupied."

He was already half way up the ladder of the giant slide when we got there.

"I'm surprised someone hasn't fallen off that and broken a leg before now, Denise. I hope nothing happens to the little blighter."

"Be careful," I shouted, "it's higher than it looks."

"I'm not scared; I'm going down headfirst on my back, like on the telly."

"What's he been watching, Denise?"

"I don't know. We haven't got Sky."

"Never mind. Get Oswald down, we need him fit and well for his drowning."

"Forget that, Susie, he's exactly where we want him. He can stay up there all afternoon as far as I'm concerned."

"Well, I hope you brought the vinegar and brown paper, Denise, I think we may need it. He's preparing for an unorthodox descent."

Oswald had reached the top and was already turning around.

"Hurry up, Raymond," I called. "You'd better talk to Oswald; he's acting the fool."

"He can do what he likes. I'm fed up with the bugger; I've had him under my feet for a week now."

"Watch me, Denise - I'm a daredevil."

"He's preparing for a backward two and a half somersault with twist and pike. You've reversed him too far, Denise."

"You and your stupid psychology, Susie - it always leads to trouble. Not a word to mum about this," I warned, as I placed my foot on the bottom rung.

"You've left it too late, Denise." Susie stepped to one side and shouted to Raymond. "Catch Oswald on the way down."

"Don't give me orders. I hope he splits his bloody head open."

"I heard that," Oswald yelled. "Wait till I tell Charlotte what you said."

"Tell her what you like; she's fed up with you as well."

"She thinks you're a divvy - and a dummy - so there. And I'm telling her you dared me to do this - so it'll be all your fault."

"Don't Oswald," I cried.

"Watch this!" he whooped and threw himself onto his back. "Aaaahhhheeeeelp!" He hit the slide, bounced and grabbed at the sides. "Heeeeellllp," he screamed, as he desperately clung to the rails.

"Let go, you'll be all right - Raymond will catch you," I called to him.

"No, he bleeding won't."

"Oswald!"

"I feel dizzy."

"You can't. The blood's rushing to your head," Susie shouted.

"If you stay like that, it'll explode," Raymond jeered.

"I'm stuck," Oswald wailed.

"No, you're not - you're holding on."

"My foot's caught," he sobbed.

"Don't panic, we're coming." Susie's hand on my backside urged me forward. "I'm right behind you, Denise."

"You should be doing this," I yelled at Raymond. "He's not going to be my brother-in-law."

"Charlotte would probably be grateful if he broke his neck; I know I would. Don't try too hard to save the little brat."

I ignored him and set off up the ladder. "Go and get ready to catch Oswald at the bottom, Susie."

"I love these situations where you take charge, Denise. It adds that 'je ne sais quoi' to our relationship."

I got to the top and looked over at Oswald. "Your foot's not stuck; you're holding on with it. Move it and you'll slide slowly down."

"No, I'm scared - pull me back."

"You're too heavy for me to be dangling you about upside down up here. I might drop you."

"I'm not letting go."

"Well, you can't stay there; I know what we'll do."

I grabbed hold of his foot.

"Don't do that - I'll fall."

"I won't let you," I reassured him, as I climbed over the top onto the slide and rested his feet in my lap. "We'll go down together. Shut your eyes - you'll feel safer."

"No fear, I can see right up your skirt. You're wearing frilly pink knickers."

"Don't stare, it's not polite."

"I can look as much as I like because you're one of those rude girls."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Raymond bought Charlotte some exactly the same and she wasn't half annoyed. Rude girl, rude girl."

"Be quiet, you're scared."

"I'm not now; I like rude girls," he snickered. "I've told Trevor to buy Charlotte a pair for her birthday."

"You're a little beggar. See how you like this."

I pushed off and we slid down.

"Whhhhooooooooooooooooo!"

Faster than I would have liked.

"Ooooooooooooooooohhhhh!"

"Your skirt's flying up; I can see everything."

"Whooooooooooooaaaaaaaaa!"

We reached the bottom, I braked with my feet and Oswald shot off into Susie's arms.

"Just remember it was a Jones that saved your life. But for me, you would have smashed your head in."

"No, I wouldn't. I'm going again." Oswald disentangled himself and jumped to his feet.

"You're on your own this time; I'm not coming after you. No more harum-scarum stuff."

"Okay, okay," he promised and scampered away past Raymond. "Hey, Fishface," he yelled, "did you see what Denise is wearing? I bet you wish she was your girlfriend."

Raymond's grimace was replaced by a lecherous smile as he helped me up. "Charlotte said respectable girls don't even wear underwear like that on their wedding night."

"Denise is a lingerie model; those are some of her free samples."

"Don't exaggerate, Susie, it's only a hobby."

"Aren't you a little young for that?"

"She looks older when she's fully made up and she's a natural poser."

"Have I any chance with you, Denise, or are you set on snaring a footballer?" Raymond laughed.

"I already have. Susie's captain of the school team; she's a scheming midfielder."

"And Denise is a wily winger; I knock her balls up front and she does the rest. Actually, I think our best position may be as twin strikers."

"Susie's right, we make the ideal partnership - on and off the field - we're lesbians."

"Watch out." We jumped aside as Oswald hurtled past. "I'm going round again - stay there."

"What were you saying?"

"We're lesbians; I'm not interested in men."

"How about a rich one?"

"I thought you were going to marry Charlotte."

"Maybe, but she needs putting in her place. She's not trampling all over me, like she does Trevor. She needs teaching a lesson."

"From what I've seen of Charlotte, I think you might be taking a big risk."

"Shush, Denise, we are lesbians; we shouldn't be giving advice on such matters. Raymond knows best."

"What you have to bear in mind is that I'm a Fortescue, not one of your common or garden Joneses."

"I'm a Jones."

"And I'm a Smith."

"Aaahh, then as attractive as you are, I think we'll leave it at holding hands. I could never have a mistress called Smith; it's so infra dig. I'd be a laughing stock."

"I might be a Psmyth with a silent 'P' and a 'Y' in the middle, for all you know."

"That would be a slight improvement. What's your father's profession?"

"He was a scrap metal merchant with a flourishing side-line in waste disposal and mum's family are in the fish meal business - they're the stink of the town."

"You're too honest for your own good, Denise."

"Don't worry, I have Susie to look after me; she tells enough lies for both of us."

"I get it off my dad - he's an estate agent. Would that meet with your approval, Raymond?"

"Are you an only child who will inherit the family business?"

"No - and neither is Charlotte."

"But there's a great prize to play for."

"Aren't you worried your indiscretions might get back to her?"

"No, I'm a big-headed bastard, exactly like her father," he winked.

"I understand perfectly, I'm a Freudian."

"I thought you were a Jungian."

"I pick and mix, Denise - like you. I'm a Jungfraudian - we both are."

"Isn't that where Trevor went skiing, Susie?"

"As seen on a packet of Toblerone, Denise."

"I wish Charlotte had your sense not to believe that silly story," Raymond snorted. "Bloody hell, there she goes semaphoring her displeasure. Come on, it's time to go. She who must be obeyed has spoken."

"Does she know you call her that?"

"Yes - and funnily enough she likes it."

"You can't say she hasn't given you fair warning, then. I'd leave her to Trevor."

"Here, I'll have one of you on each arm - let's see how Charlotte likes a bit of competition."

"We'll put on a good show. Let's see the love light shining in your eyes, Denise."

"I'll try, Susie, but this is all I'm doing for Trevor," I whispered to her. "I'm certainly not pushing anyone off a bridge for him."

"That's enough, Oswald, we've been summoned by Charlotte," Raymond called.

"I'll come for, Denise. The bloody slide's no good anyway; it's made my bum sore."

"With any luck, you'll have got a splinter in it and it'll turn septic and drop off."

"I hate you." Oswald ran up and kicked out at Raymond. "Let go of Denise, she's holding hands with me."

"I'm a little bugger. I'm a little bugger. I'm a little bugger," Oswald chanted as he ran up to Charlotte.

"Stop that, this minute."

"I am a little bugger - ask Denise."

"What's she been saying, Raymond?"

"Don't blame, Denise, Oswald's on a sugar high; he's overloaded on ice cream. You shouldn't indulge him."

"I don't."

"He takes advantage, Charlotte, you're too soft-hearted."

"I know. I've forgiven Trevor. What's a spot of paint between friends? I didn't like the dress, anyway."

"I bought it for you."

"Did you?"

Raymond took a deep breath. "Where's Fiona?"

"She's gone home. She remembered she'd locked her cat out."

"And you let her?"

"Why not? I didn't want her playing gooseberry with me and Trevor."

"I don't want to hear any more soppy talk," Oswald moaned. "Are you fed up with me, Charlotte?"

"Of course not - where did you get that idea from?"

"Old Froggylegs."

"How could you, Raymond? He's a sensitive child. You know how difficult things are at home."

"I said you fed him up too much. He made himself sick."

"No I didn't."

"You went dizzy."

"Only when Denise showed me her frilly pink knickers."

"I did not."

"Yes, you did - and Raymond's jealous because you like me best."

"Of course she does - everyone does. Don't get upset, Oswald." Charlotte turned to me. "It's not good enough; you should show more restraint in front of an impressionable young boy."

"I had a bit of an accident on the slide, that's all," I apologised.

"There was a nail sticking out," Susie explained.

"A girl in a skirt that short shouldn't have been on a slide in the first place, but I suppose you have to make allowances for an airhead."

"You're way off the mark there," Susie spluttered. "Denise is a serious young woman. She's studying to be a librarian."

"Is that a grown-up lesbian?"

"Be quiet, Oswald," Charlotte scolded. "Or you'll be in serious trouble."

"Shan't! Denise said she and Susie were lesbians."

"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, I do. Dad says there's a monstrous regiment of lesbians taking over the country. I want to join the army and be one of them; I'm fed up with school. Dad says they teach all the wrong things."

"Now, see what you've done; misleading the poor child with your loose talk."

"It's not our fault. Denise and I strongly believe in the benefits of a good education. We're star pupils."

"Why aren't you at school, then?" Charlotte sneered.

"They're recuperating from mumps like Oswald," Trevor put in. "They've had a bad dose; it makes them a bit light-headed at times."

"This is too bad, Trevor, I expect more from your family and friends. I was hoping I could trust them to look after Oswald while we grown-ups had a coffee."

"Oh, you can," Trevor seized his chance. "Susie has a little brother; she knows all about kids. They baby-sit for the vicar and he's had no complaints."

"Very well, but no more careless talk, girls, do you understand?"

We both nodded our heads.

"I'll tell him one of the stories Mikey likes," Susie promised.

"That's nice, isn't it, Oswald?" Charlotte smiled.

"If they've had mumps does that mean it's all right for me to kiss them?"

"No, it doesn't, Oswald. We've had enough of that sort of nonsense from you."

"I like it."

"We've had those German mumps; you'd better keep your distance, they can make things drop off."

"Susie is only joking," Trevor spluttered. "She's a fun girl."

"So is Denise," Raymond smirked at Charlotte. "We've been getting on famously. She's been telling me about her modelling career."

"I thought she was going to be a librarian."

"I have more than one string to my bow."

"I really admire your ambition, Denise. She's a remarkable young woman, isn't she Charlotte?"

"Shut up, Raymond, you'll be turning her head. She's making eyes at you as it is."

"That's because she's going to be Raymond's fancy woman. He's going to marry you and have a bit on the side."

Oswald dodged her swat and raced away to the lake.

"You come with me Raymond," Charlotte bridled, "I want to talk to you. Trevor, make sure Oswald's all right before you join us."

"Right, Charlotte - hurry up, girls." He took our arms and ushered us along with him. "Everything's worked out perfectly. Now's your chance - follow the plan to the letter."

"I'm not doing it. Besides it's too complicated - getting him up on the bridge and everything."

"You'll have no trouble; it's his favourite spot. He's on his way there now. Charlotte makes me watch him and he's always threatening to jump in and blame me. That's what gave me the idea."

"Come on, Denise, maybe we can dare him to take a plunge."

"That'd be just as bad. I'm for doing nothing, Susie. Character is destiny - the way Raymond behaves, he'll scupper his chances."

"I wouldn't be so sure. Some girls are attracted to bounders."

"I know what you mean."

"I'm not a bounder, Denise."

"You're a little rascal, Susie."

"We both are," she laughed and gave me a kiss.

"Stop that and get a move on," Trevor ordered. "My whole future is riding on your elbows."

"You're going to ruin another suit - and your shoes. They look very expensive."

"They are, Denise, but I'm not even going to stop to kick them off."

"You should have come in your wellies."

"Don't be silly, Susie, it wouldn't look heroic just wading in. I have to make a big splash."

"What's the point? No one will see; you've lost your audience."

"Denise is right; you hadn't thought of that. This is a half-cock scheme."

"You tell him, Susie - we know about these things."

"I'm on top of the job. I'll make sure Charlotte is back here with me when the balloon goes up and Oswald goes down."

"How long will that be?"

"I don't know, Susie. Go and pass the time of day with him and gain his confidence."

"But, Trevor ..."

"I can't hang around. Oswald will blame me if I'm in sniffing distance. Wait until we're on our way back and then give him the old heave-ho when I signal. Off you go."

Trevor shooed us down the path, before turning and hurrying after Charlotte.

"Come on, Jeffrey, let's get up there and hope Oswald gets the urge to show off his diving skills to you again."

"I only hope this won't be a bridge too far, Susie."

 

Chapter 66

"He's half-way in already, Jeffrey. All it would take is an unexpected gust of wind."

"Then you'd better start whistling for it, Susie, because I'm not doing it and that's final," I vowed, as we made our way up the steps.

Oswald was perched on the parapet, dangling his legs over the water.

"With Trevor around, I'm surprised there hasn't already been a splashdown."

"You have to feel some sympathy for him; he looks so sad sitting there all alone," I sniffled.

"No, he doesn't."

"I can sense his inner anguish, Susie. I know what it's like to be a little boy lost. We shouldn't even think of adding to his troubles."

"Wipe the tear from your eye, Denise, you're not fooling me with your soppy girl act."

"It'd fool anyone else, though, wouldn't it?"

Susie nuzzled my neck. "Don't worry, you'll make a lovely Violet Elizabeth to my sweet William." Her hand strayed onto my bottom. "Here, see if this will help you mince along."

I couldn't help but greet Oswald with a happy smile when we reached the centre of the bridge.

"Be careful you don't fall in."

"It'd serve Charlotte right if I did," he scowled. "She's the one who's supposed to be looking after me. I'm always getting dumped on someone else."

"Get up there with Oswald and keep him company, Denise, we don't want any accidents."

"Yeah, Denise, Charlotte will bawl you out for not taking proper care of me. You'd better sit here."

I caught the gleam in his eye as he patted the stonework beside him.

"You're going to push me in."

"No, I'm not - honest. I like you, Denise."

"And I'll keep my arm around your waist."

"You should do it, Susie, you're wearing the pants. I'm not dressed for bridge sitting; I'll be revealing too much. What if a boat goes by underneath?"

"What if your knicker elastic breaks? Stop making excuses - up you go."

"Come on!" Oswald grabbed my arm and pulled hard.

"Okay, okay, let me retain a modicum of modesty," I yelped, as Susie's hand on my bottom boosted me onto the coping.

"Rude girls, rude girls," he giggled.

"That's enough, Oswald - calm down; you're making Denise blush."

"Oops! I nearly fell." He put his arm around me as I settled down next to him. "I'd better hold on tight to you, Denise."

"Okay, but keep still."

"I know what rude girls like to play."

"Don't do that!" I smacked his hand off my leg. "It's not polite."

"What's wrong? I'm only tickling the butterflies. Susie put her hand right up your bum and you smiled - I saw you."

"Well, Charlotte wouldn't approve."

"Bugger her. She thinks you're as common as muck."

"That's hurtful; you shouldn't make things up."

"No, it's true; I heard her tell Raymond. I listen in to everything. It was when you were whispering to each other and Susie nibbled your ear - can I have a go?"

"No, only girls do that. Explain it to him, Susie."

"I thought you let your uncle bite your ear, Denise."

"I was young and naive then; he won't be getting anywhere near it in future."

"Charlotte lets boys kiss her - I've watched. And I've taken a photo - she doesn't know that."

"You'll be in trouble if she finds out."

"She won't - until it suits me. Have you got a boyfriend?"

"No, I already told you."

"Don't go out with Raymond - he's mean. Trevor's better - he's daft; he lets me boss him around."

"Well, you shouldn't; he's a nice boy. He's just not as clever as you are."

"I wouldn't want Raymond for a brother-in-law," Susie shivered. "He's creepy. I bet he's plotting to take your place as the number one son."

A look of alarm spread over Oswald's face. "He couldn't do that, could he, Denise? Dad's always threatening he'll send me back and get a replacement."

"Your dad's only joking," I reassured him.

"He sent back Charlotte's mummy."

"Ah well, that's different."

"How?"

"It's adult stuff - over to you, Susie."

"As I see it, Denise, Oswald has nothing to worry about at the moment. His real problems will start if Raymond marries Charlotte. That would throw a whole new monkey into the ball game."

"It'll be a case of the son-in-law rises, Susie."

"My thoughts exactly, Denise - very well put."

"Thank you, Susie."

"Am I the son-in-law?"

"No, that will be Raymond and he'll be out to inherit your father's money, his seat and everything else."

"And you'll have to do exactly as he says into the bargain," I added.

"I bloody won't."

"Yes you will. Raymond's a big bad wolf, who'll show you no mercy," Susie emphasised. "You're done for - unless you're a smart little pig and make sure Charlotte marries Trevor. Then you'll have built your house with bricks and nobody will be able to knock the top banana of his perch."

Susie grinned at me as Oswald sunk into thought. I leaned back and shook my head at her. "Aigam naigat daigaaigang aigat."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, Oswald, I'm practising my Russian."

"That's boring and I'm bored. Think of something."

"Do you fancy standing up and tightrope walking along here, Denise?"

"No, we don't, Susie. I'll tell you what, though, this is the ideal place to play I-spy."

"Bags I go first!" Oswald cried.

"Okay," I agreed and tightened my grip on the ledge, unnerved by his sudden enthusiasm.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'Y'."

"Yacht."

"No, that'd be too easy."

"There is nothing else - are you sure it's 'Y'?"

"Yes, 'Y'," he leered.

"Yellow something."

"No."

"Yagi."

"Where's the bear, Denise?"

"Yagi, Susie - it's a TV aerial - over there, on the rooftops."

"That's a new one on me."

"They're named after the Japanese inventor. You must have missed it on YouTube."

"You're just showing off. You'll be baffling us with a Y-chromosome next."

"Guess again - because you're miles away," Oswald crowed.

"Youngster."

"No."

"Yorkshire terrier."

"No."

"You're cheating."

"I'm not - give up?"

"Go on - what is it?"

"Your tits! I win - so I get to feel them."

"No you don't," I cried and wrapped my arms across my chest.

"Okay, let's play kneesy-kneesy."

"No, Oswald!"

"Yes!"

"Stop it!" We played handsy-handsy on my legs as I tried to beat him off.

"Gotcha!" He switched targets and brushed across Pinky. "That's three for an upstairs-out-of-doors," he whooped.

"Help, Susie, he's a human octopus!"

"Slither, slither, slither. Let me indoors."

"Get him off." I bounced away from Oswald and Susie thrust herself between us.

"Stop it, you little bugger. Denise is not that kind of a girl and you're not that kind of a boy. You have to grow up to be an English gentleman, like your father."

"That's right," I gasped. "What's come over you Oswald? Such ideas never crossed my mind when I was ten."

"I'm thirteen."

"You're ten."

"And three-quarters. Be a sport, you are supposed to be looking after me. I always used to fondle Nanny's breasts."

"That was when you were little. She wouldn't let you do it now."

"She would if mummy hadn't sacked her."

"Oh, Susie, I think we may soon be discussing the birds and the bees. You'd better handle this."

"Leave it to me, Denise." Susie wagged her finger at Oswald. "You should have learned your lesson; you've already got one girl into trouble through that sort of behaviour."

"It wasn't me who got Helga into trouble - it was dad."

"You shouldn't say that - people might misunderstand."

"No, they won't; I heard the whole thing," he gloated. "I was behind the door when mummy threw the clock at daddy. If it wasn't for me, she'd have got a divorce."

Susie rolled her eyes. "It's a good job we're brimming over with moral integrity, Denise, or this would be on the front page of next Sunday's News of the World in banner headlines. 'Back to Basics M.P in. Swedish Au Pair Love Child Probe'."

"If Charlotte's any sense, it should serve as a warning about Raymond."

"Never mind them, Denise - come on be a sport. I really miss Helga; she was the only one who was nice to me. It'd serve everyone right if I jumped off this bridge. I'd go down, down, down and they'd never see me again."

I anxiously peered into the lake. "It's not that deep is it?"

"He'd only get his feet wet, Denise."

"Well, I can't see the bottom."

"It's murky water."

"Not that murky, I can see a frog."

"It goes down for miles," Oswald insisted. "Some lads dropped in a shopping trolley and it completely disappeared."

"Where was that?"

"Right here. I wish they'd waited until Trevor had come back. I was going to tell them he was a truant officer. They might have shoved him in. That would have been fun."

"Wouldn't you rather see Raymond come a cropper?"

"Yeah, but best of all I'd like them both to have a fight and go rolling in the mud. And I've an idea - get Trevor ..."

"Yoo-hoo ... Yoo-hoo."

Oswald's plans for future mischief were interrupted by a shout from below.

"Speak of the Trevil, there he is," Susie grinned.

"Yoo-hoo ... Yoo-hoo," Trevor called again and gave us a double thumbs-up sign.

We waved back and I turned to Susie. "Raymond hasn't a hope; he's bound to shoot himself in the foot. We're leaving things exactly as we found them."

"Not quite - Oswald's going to be Trevor's little helper from now on, aren't you?"

"I may be if Denise plays nice." Oswald pushed his face up close. "Helga taught me this. Stare deep into my eyes, Denise - what do you see?"

"Myself, in those two little black bits."

"Right, we look babies in one another's eyes and then we kiss and cuddle." Oswald moved in closer. "Let me at you."

I was ready for his attack and fended him off. "Behave yourself, you're a budding young gentleman. Remember your manners."

"I'm going to be like my dad; I won't have to bother with all that rubbish. Do you know why?"

He sat up straight and smirked triumphantly as he waited for an answer.

I took my chance and shifted sideways a little. "I can't imagine."

"Because we're filthy rich!" Oswald flung himself at my lips.

"Oh no, you don't." I twisted and swayed away.

"Oooooohhhh!"

I felt myself toppling slowly backwards.

"Help!"

"I'm here."

Susie leapt forward and caught me in her arms.

"Aaaahhh!"

I lay back with my head cushioned in Susie's lap, my bottom on the parapet and my feet in the air.

"Got you, Denise."

"So have I," Oswald whooped.

He dived between my outstretched legs.

"Stop him, Susie."

"Don't let her go - it's an open goal. Yeah, a downstairs-indoors coming up - that's a sixer! I'll be the first in our class!"

Oswald spoke to soon. He was falling short of his hopes.

"Oooohhhh!"

His hand slid down my thigh as he overbalanced in his effort to score.

"Oooooooohhhhh!"

And he was left flailing at the empty air.

"Heeeeellllp!"

"He's going," I cried. "And it's his own fault; he should have waited for a no-ball before trying a big hit."

"Grab Denise's foot, Oswald," Susie cried, as she pushed me upright.

"Aaaaaaahhhh!"

I did my best, but it was too late; I caught him up the backside and sent him on his way.

"Going."

"Oooooooooooooooooooohhhh!"

"Gone."

Splaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassshhhhh!

"Scream, Denise."

"Aaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeewwww!"

"Man overboard," Susie yelled at what I hoped was his approaching rescuer.

"Come on, Raymond," Trevor shouted and broke into a run. "We've got to save Oswald."

"I'll get a lifebelt." Raymond immediately took off in the opposite direction.

"Trevor was right about that, Susie."

"I only hope he finds one, Jeffrey, because otherwise we might have to get our feet wet. Trevor can't swim."

"Now you tell me. Why didn't you say something before?"

"I thought it was a shallow pool, not a bottomless pit - and so did Trevor."

"Hurry up," Charlotte screamed, as Trevor ran full tilt into the lake.

"There he goes. We'll have the proof of the paddling now he's got his feet in."

"Oswald's somewhere under here," Susie yelled.

Trevor splashed his way towards the bridge.

"He's right about it so far, depthwise."

"Aaaahhhgluuuuuuug!"

In one stride, Trevor disappeared from view.

"Where's he gone, Susie?"

"Straight to Davy Jones's locker, Jeffrey, it's obviously more than one Trevor deep."

"Maybe he only lost his footing."

"Or found a stray pothole."

"There's still no sign of Oswald; thank God we didn't push him in."

"We're innocent bystanders yet again, Jeffrey."

"Not for much longer, we'll have to go in after them."

"Wait a minute."

We both breathed a sigh of relief when a small head popped up ten yards from the bridge.

"One up, one to go," I cried in relief.

"Don't panic," Susie shouted, "Trevor's somewhere around; he'll rescue you."

"Will he buggery!" Oswald yelled back. "I know his game; he isn't getting a medal for saving me. Watch this, Denise."

He turned and struck out for the bank, showing off a well-practised crawl in the process.

"That's well and truly scuppered Trevor's plan, Jeffrey. Flipper doesn't need any help."

"The little chap's a human torpedo, Susie. I can't say I'm surprised; did you see the size of his feet? They'd make two of mine - and he's only ten. I hope they stop growing or he'll have trouble getting anything to fit in later life."

"With his money, he'll have stuff hand-made, Jeffrey. They've probably got their own swimming pool as well. You'd have thought Trevor would have taken that into account."

"His research has badly let him down, Susie."

"It was a bloody silly idea all round. He's not in our league when it comes to scheming and meticulous planning, Jeffrey."

"You can tell him that now; he's coming up for air."

Trevor surfaced directly beneath us. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh," he gasped. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!"

"You're too late, the drama's over. You've well and truly ballsed it up. You should have heeded the wisdom of Rupert Burns."

He spluttered and took another deep breath. "Get me ... Aaaaargh!" His face contorted in agony.

"It's no use crying over spilt water under the bridge."

"Aaaaaaarrrrrgh!"

"What's the matter?"

"I've got cramgluuugg ... gluug ... glu ..."

He vanished into the depths, leaving a trail of bubbles.

"He is family, Jeffrey."

"Not my family, Susie."

"He will be by marriage."

"I thought it was the less in-laws the better," I sighed. "Well, I'm not doing it on my own. It'll need both of us to haul him out; he's no lightweight."

"You're a man of science, Jeffrey, aren't you familiar with Archimedes' principle?"

"Intimately, Susie, but you're still coming in as well - he may struggle. Move it - if we keep arguing, it'll be too late."

Susie grimaced and vaulted up alongside me. I linked arms and we jumped in together.

"Geronimo!"

Splaaaaaasssh!

"Oooooowwwwww!"

"Eureka!"

I landed on Trevor as he struggled once more to the surface.

"Gluuuuuuugg!"

"He's gone down for the third time, Susie."

"Not that far, Jeffrey, he's grabbed my foot. I'm not going under with him; should I kick him in the head?"

"Hold on to me. We can make it to the bank; it isn't far."

I splashed away in the direction of the watchers on the shore.

"Charlotte can't be all bad, Jeffrey, she's trying to push Raymond in to help."

"He's having none of it, Susie. I hope that will be another blot on his copybook. It should be some small consolation to Trevor."

"He's working his way up my leg, Jeffrey, he's pulling my pants down. God, he weighs a ton; he must be waterlogged."

"It's okay; I've touched bottom. I'll haul you in."

I pulled Susie up to the bank and Trevor's head surfaced behind her.

"He's ripped my trousers. Bloody hell, that's another pair gone west."

"Don't fret, Susie, it was in a good cause this time. And they aren't yours, anyway."

"In that case, we may as well make a proper job of it."

We turned back, grabbed an arm each and heaved - and heaved.

"It feels like he's dropped anchor - what's going on?"

"The silly sod's stuck his foot through a shopping trolley."

Susie waded in and whacked his leg free.

"Got him!" I hauled Trevor up the bank and onto the grass. "Hurry, Susie, he's not breathing."

Susie splashed her way to us. "Turn him over and I'll pump him out."

"I hope you really know what you're doing. Try not to sing this time; we've got an audience."

"Have no fear, Denise, I'll soon have him spouting like a whale."

She laid into Trevor and he coughed up a stream of water.

"Your turn, Denise, give him the kiss of life."

"You're doing fine, carry on."

"That'd be incestuous. Get in there, he's turning blue."

"Well, let go of his nose; that can't be helping."

"I'm holding it for you - head down, Denise."

"Ooouuuuch!" I bent over, only to be sent sprawling by a kick up the backside. "What the ..."

"Get away from him, you man-mad little slut," Charlotte screeched. "And you - you're just as bloody bad."

Charlotte let fly with a sockeroo of a straight left and Susie came tumbling after me.

"You wait, you snotty nosed ..."

"No, Susie." I threw myself on top of her and pinned her down before she could exact retribution.

"Get off, Denise."

"Leave her to it, this could be a turning point in their relationship. Maybe they'll have a crisis bonding session."

"You're right, Denise - Trevor deserves his chance." Susie ceased struggling and I let her up. "It'd be a pity if all our valiant efforts went to waste."

"I'm glad you're able to turn the other cheek, Susie."

"I'm a professional. We psychologists have to learn to be men enough to put petty personal feelings aside."

"That's a very grown-up attitude, Susie."

"Thank you, Denise. Mind you, there's also the fact that she looks like she could boxed for her school."

"It's the horse riding, Susie, cousin Carol's the same - a very useful middleweight."

"You should be taking care of me," came a voice from behind us. "I could get pneumonia."

"Are you okay, Oswald?"

"I'm wet."

"That was a very impressive show of swimming. We couldn't take our eyes of you."

"I can go a length under water."

"You scared us there; Trevor couldn't find you."

"Is he dead? I'll need a week off school if he is. And another one after that because I haven't got over the mumps yet. I'm supposed to keep well wrapped up."

"We'll soon have you dry."

"Hold my hand, Denise."

"Come on, then."

We got to our feet and walked over to a where a fuming Raymond was watching Charlotte fuss over Trevor.

"Don't just stand there, give Oswald your jacket," Susie ordered.

"Let him freeze! It's his own fault - always seeking attention."

"You left me to drown; why didn't you jump in after me?"

"Because you're not worth spoiling my shoes for, you selfish little beast," Raymond sneered.

"You want to get rid of me so you can inherit my dad's millions. Well, I hate you too."

Oswald lowered his head and charged straight at him.

"Ole!" Raymond dodged sideways.

"And ole to you!" Susie swung her foot and knocked his leg out from under him.

"Aaaaargh!"

Raymond went tumbling down the bank.

"Oooohhh!"

Splaaaaaasssh.

"Aaaaargh!"

And into the lake.

"You shouldn't have done that, Susie."

"He took the blow I owed Charlotte."

"And pretty nifty it was."

"That, Denise, was genuine Japanese judo - a flying something-or-other. I turned his strength against him - worked like a charm." Susie grinned and raised an eyebrow. "Bit of a surprise, really."

"Got it off YouTube, did you?"

"No, Mikey - you can thank him for that, but exercise a degree of caution if he asks you to pretend to come at him with a knife. He's a tricky little brother."

"A bit like, Oswald."

"You'll be safe downstairs with Mikey, but I'm not so sure about upstairs-out-of-doors."

We watched Oswald assail Raymond with handfuls of mud as he tried to heave himself out of the lake.

"I don't know, Susie, but at his age - and even Mikey's, I can't help thinking I was a really nice boy."

"You still are, Jeffrey. In fact, we're both good Samaritans, helping folk in their hour of need. Look over there, yet another of our successes."

Charlotte was still cradling Trevor in her arms and cooing at him.

"I only hope he has the sense to make the most of his golden opportunity."

"I expect he'll muck it up some way, but you never know - stranger things have happened."

"Wheeeeeeeee! Did you see that? I got him right between the eyes," Oswald yelled in triumph.

"Give him one for, Trevor," Susie shouted back.

"I will. I'll show him who's the number one son."

"Come on, Susie, let's retrieve our belongings and get away from here; there's no use hanging around."

Oswald unleashed a final salvo and came running up to us.

"Aw, don't go, Denise."

"We have to; we're sopping. And we're surplus to requirements - we don't want to be gooseberries. Try not to be one yourself - give Trevor a chance."

"I suppose he can kiss Charlotte a bit if he likes. When will I see you again?"

"We're certain to be at Trevor's wedding, so you know what you have to do," Susie reminded him.

"Yeah okay, but they've done more than enough canoodling for now," Oswald grimaced. "Charlotte! I can feel the mumps coming back on," he shouted and set off to reassert his place in the pecking order.

I took Susie's arm and we squelched our way back to the bridge.

"Have you ever been a bridesmaid, Susie?"

"No - and I don't think there's much chance of that now - or a godparent."

"Never mind, it's much better being a bride."

 

Chapter 67

"It was lucky you had the foresight to bring along a towel, Jeffrey."

"It was hindsight, Susie. I've realised what venturing out with you involves."

"I could say exactly the same, but I won't. Your delightful company more than compensates for any petty problems we may have."

"Miles from home, soaked to the skin and in danger of hypothermia is a giant step up from 'petty', Susie."

"I'm suffused with a warm inner glow, Jeffrey."

"You're dreaming about four weekends behind the wheel of Trevor's car."

"After our undoubted success, I should be able to bump it up to six."

"I wouldn't be so sure. Now he's got what he wants, don't think he won't double-cross you. People can be nice, but dim - and crafty."

"Wilier than you, is he Jeffrey?"

"He certainly is - and he doesn't live on your doorstep. Trevor and his car are out of reach. Mark my words, all you'll get is a generous slice of wedding cake."

"We'll see." Susie gave my hair a last vigorous rub and tossed the towel into a litterbin. "So much for your sophisticated look, but never mind, you're sexy when wet."

"Well, don't mention it to mum or I'll get a good telling off. She won't even let me go down to my shed after a bath. Mum has a thing about damp. She thinks it gives you pleurisy," I shivered.

"You don't believe that."

"Well, you can't be too careful. We should get into some warm woolly underwear as soon as possible."

We squelched off the bridge and back onto the path out of the park.

"It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't wearing clothes, Jeffrey, they make the water feel so much the wetter."

"It's not too bad in a skirt and tights, Susie. At least I'm not walking like the Lone Ranger without a horse."

"Your silent criticism of these trousers was well founded, Jeffrey. I'm going to need a ton of talcum powder; they're chafing something awful. I'll be glad to see the back of them."

"There's a village called Saggy Bottom."

"I'm immune to your barbs, Jeffrey. I accept these pants are pants."

"We can go behind the bushes and change into the school stuff."

"We'll still be wet underneath and it's a bad idea. We're only going home as Saint Heloise girls as a last resort."

"Yes, it might raise mum's eyebrows. But after the wedding dress, I can probably get away with anything."

"Well, I can't. I've enough explaining to do already. We should never have held on to those blazers. As soon as we get a change of clothes, I'm dumping them."

"Aw, Susie."

"You can keep the tie."

We dripped our way out of the park and onto the street.

"I think a charity shop's our best bet."

"You would."

"They might let us use their bathroom to dry off."

"They will when we tell them we were the heroines of a daring rescue."

"No ... I slipped down the bank and you jumped in and pulled me out. We don't want to arouse any undue interest."

"How about - you were pushed in the river by a couple of passing yobs; that'll get us some extra sympathy."

"Let's keep third parties, fictitious or otherwise, out of it. Uncomplicated explanations are best, Susie - I wish you'd learn. There's a noble simplicity in the works of nature."

Paaaarrrp! ... Paaaarrrp! ... Paaaarrrp!

"Someone's trying to get our attention, Jeffrey."

"Well, if we're offered a lift to the nearest sauna, run for it, Susie - and don't look back."

Paaaarrrp! ... Paaaarrrp! ... Paaaarrrp!

A red car with a frantically waving driver flashed past.

"Speak of the dizzy, a wet knight has arrived to deliver us, Jeffrey."

Trevor overshot by twenty yards, before screeching to a halt at the kerbside.

"I don't know whether I'm relieved or not, Susie, that wasn't the smoothest of landings."

"I have to admit I'm a little apprehensive at being chauffeured around by a novice driver."

"I know the feeling."

"Only passing his test at the seventh attempt and I wouldn't be surprised if that was a fluke. He can't have much road sense."

"Maybe he knows the Highway Code backwards like you do and it was his gear changes that let him down."

"It sure sounded like it. Come on, we'll risk it. You can always close your eyes and dream of being tucked up warm and dry in Auntie's underwear."

"I suppose it'll be less embarrassing than tramping along the high street like this."

"And more comfortable. Here we go - after you."

Susie opened the front door and pushed me in. "Everything all right, Trevor?"

"Absolutely perfect, it couldn't have worked out better," he beamed. "I'm a blooming genius!"

"Budge up, Denise."

Susie dumped her bag in the back and settled down beside me.

"Off we go." Trevor let out the clutch and we catapulted away. "Whoops! I'm overexcited."

"Calm down, Trevor."

"Sorry, Susie, my legs are still a bit wobbly."

"That's only to be expected after what you've been through."

"You don't know the half of it. Not only have I captured my beloved's heart, but I've had a life-changing, near-death experience into the bargain."

"Hold on, you were only unconscious a few seconds and then stole a few kisses."

"I did a lot more than that. Charlotte burst into tears when I told her about going down the tunnel and the radiant white light."

"We missed that, Susie."

"Are you fully compost mental, Trevor?"

"I am now, but I've had a narrow escape. And I made sure Charlotte fully realised it; I had her choked with emotion. 'I've brought you back from the dead ... I've brought you back from the dead' was all she could say."

"That means she's responsible for you from now on; I hope you told her that."

"Of course I did, Susie, I'm not daft. I pretended to drift in and out of consciousness while babbling 'I can't live without you, you're my own Florence Nightingale'."

"She was a lesbian."

"A rich-lesbian-jodhpured-nurse - what more could I ask? Milky white thighs, I love you."

"Trevor - control yourself! You're shocking Denise - and me."

"And the lollipop lady he nearly ran over, Susie."

"Sorry, sorry, I'll focus on my driving."

"You're not ever so slightly exaggerating, are you?"

"Not a bit, Susie, Charlotte hasn't been so emotional since she sat up all night with her pony - and it died."

"I hope you haven't come second best to a horse."

"No fear! I impressed on her how I was sent back from death's door by a shining angelic figure in flowing robes."

"Jesus?"

"No, Charlotte in a wedding dress; she's destined to be mine. I convinced her that I've been granted a glimpse beyond the veil into the future."

"Then why aren't you with her now?"

"I would be, Susie, if she hadn't Oswald to take care of. Children must always come first; I wouldn't have it any other way."

"She's a pearl among women, Trevor."

"I know," he sighed. "Just one thing - if it ever comes up, I jumped in to save Raymond and Oswald plunged in to save me."

"Who's idea was that?"

"Oswald's - he's banking on getting a reward out of his father."

"He's not blaming anyone, then."

"No, he seems quite taken with Denise, even though she pushed him into the river."

"I didn't, Trevor. It was an unfortunate mishap. Tell him, Susie."

"We shouldn't be modest, Denise, we did a highly professional, accidentally-on-purpose job."

"However you worked it, Oswald seemed really concerned about me."

"Denise had a subtle word in his ear," Susie grinned. "She knows how a boy's mind works."

"He was the one who insisted I should go and pick you up. I think he must have a crush on you, Denise."

Susie laughed and gave me a kiss. "Not to worry, I won't tell Mikey. He's another one of her conquests, Trevor."

"Don't, you're embarrassing me - and it's not true, anyway."

"Well, you've Oswald to thank for this. Charlotte wasn't keen and neither was I, to be honest. But as the little blighter seemed to be mellowing towards me, I thought it best not to cross him."

"Very wise - always try to see the other man's point of view. That's our philosophy, isn't it, Denise?"

"It's certainly mine, Susie."

"Atishoo!"

"Bless you, Trevor. I expect Charlotte was anxious for you to get into some dry clothes as well."

"You're right, Susie, she knows I'm a martyr to catarrh."

"I don't think you should dwell on that in future, Trevor."

"Then I'll have to look after my stuffed up sinuses and weak chest." He gave a little cough. "Did you hear that bubble and squeak?"

"No."

"You're as bad as dad. He won't understand I could never be around embalming fluid all day; it'd be the death of me."

"My gran's a great believer in Friar's Balsam. She's always gets her head under a towel with the steam coming out of her ears."

"I'm a Vick man, Denise. I'll have to rub some in as a precaution when I get home."

"Friar's Balsam the thing; it's like being in the tropics."

"What does it smell like?"

"Wonderful, much better than the goose grease poultice."

"I'll have to give it a try. Charlotte played merry hell when I put some TCP on my paper cut. Vick will probably get the same reaction."

"Apply it to the soles of your feet; they're the top spot for absorbing stuff - it travels straight up into the lungs. You get the best results and no one's any the wiser."

"That's an old wives' tale, Denise."

"My gran swears by it, Susie."

"Need I say more."

"Well, I've never heard her feet cough."

"We've sat in the wet long enough. Trevor won't be the only one sharing his life with an Ormeroyd if we're not careful, Denise." Susie unzipped her bag and took out the school skirts. "We'd better change into these."

"That may be awkward; things will be sort of see-through down there, what with the water and all."

"We'll retain our modesty. Trevor has to concentrate one hundred percent on the road. He can't drive in a straight line and ogle at the same time."

"I won't look because I'm a gentleman."

Susie tossed her dripping trousers onto the back seat. "Follow my lead." She pulled on the skirt and then wriggled out of her underwear. "Easy-peasy Japanesey, Denisey - what are you waiting for?"

"Watch out for stray sheep, Trevor," I warned, as I arched in my seat and slipped off my skirt.

"Ah, they're pink and frilly, Denise, I wonder if I dare get Charlotte a pair like that."

"Raymond already has. Eyes forward, Trevor," Susie ordered.

He gripped hard on the wheel and stared fixedly ahead. "The utter swine; he deserves all he got."

I completed the swap, pulled off my tights and knickers and hid them under the seat.

"That's more comfortable, isn't it?"

"It's drier, but I don't feel right sitting here in no underwear, Susie, it's not ladylike."

"Marilyn Monroe did it all the time."

"Never."

"She was notorious for it. She ... "

"I don't want to hear any more; we're in mixed company."

"Don't mind me; I'm not here. I'm day dreaming about Charlotte and our wedding of the year gracing the pages of Lancashire Life."

"Will you concentrate on the road."

"Sorry, Susie, it's just that your efforts exceeded my wildest expectations. I can't thank you enough."

"All in a day's work, Trevor. We have a talent for that sort of thing." Susie sat back with a contented smile on her face. "Your fears were groundless, Denise, everything went off like clockwork."

"Sitting here drenched and half naked isn't my idea of an unqualified success."

"It's a minor inconvenience; not the major disaster you were predicting. You and your silly premonitions."

"Hark at Miss Things-happen-in-threes."

"That's a scientific fact."

"I'm not arguing with you and your superstitious nonsense."

"Because you know I'm right, right, right."

"I give up."

"And what's more, we've got ourselves the lend of a car," she beamed in triumph. "How does this weekend suit, Trevor?"

"Bit of a problem there," he frowned. "You'll have to get in the queue."

"Queue, what queue?" Susie spluttered. "A minute ago it was 'I can't thank you enough'. Who else have you promised it to?"

"No one - you'll just have to wait until Charlotte passes her test - and that could take some time."

"Forever, from what you've said."

"Charlotte has to come first, you understand. You wouldn't want all your good work to go to waste."

"What did I tell you, Susie."

"Never mind 'I told you so', Denise - support me. You were witness to his solemn oath."

"I had my fingers crossed."

"Don't be childish."

"You broke my leg; you got me in trouble with dad - and I'll be in more deep water after he finds out you've wrecked the bathroom. I've done more than enough for you."

"We saved your life, Trevor, lest you've forgotten. Two frail young girls plunged into those Stygian depths with no thought for their own safety. I don't know how you can look poor shivering Denise in the eye."

"We'll all have a cup of Bovril as soon as we get home."

"Denise is a vegan; any kind of beef is anathema to her."

"I'll get her a Horlicks, then."

"Denise is allergic to milk."

"Well, she can sit in front of the fire. I'll turn it full on, even though it's only September - dad will never know. She'll soon be warm and cosy."

"The gas is off - remember, Trevor."

"No, it's not. That was another of your juvenile attempts to get me into trouble. I got wise to you, Susie, I switched it back on just before I came out."

"You did what!"

"I noticed it when I turned the water off. I thought about it later and realised you'd been up to more of your silly tricks."

"Not this ..."

"I'm right. There's no use denying it."

"We shut it off for safety; there was a leak. Didn't you smell it?"

"With my dose?"

"Don't act the fool - this is serious. There's gas escaping."

"No, there isn't."

"Yes, there is."

"Well, it's funny how we'd had no trouble until you arrived. A thing like that wouldn't get past dad. He was onto the boiler trouble in a flash. He does the rounds every night before locking up."

"He didn't last night and these things have to start some time. Ask Denise - she knows all about the intricacies of plumbing."

"I'm no expert, but it was hissing like a snake, Trevor."

"I thought that was my ear."

"It was the leaky joint in the pipe."

"Then Susie must have hit the bloody thing with a hammer."

"No I didn't. It was a spontaneous fracture."

"Metal fatigue, Susie."

"Spot on again with the science, Denise. You must have smelt it, Trevor."

"I told you - I'm all bunged up first thing in the morning."

"There'll be seven hours build-up of gas in the house, Susie."

"It won't have done any harm - no one's in. We'll turn it off, open the doors and windows and everything will soon be back to normal - right, Denise?"

"The place is a ticking time bomb. All it needs is one tiny spark - and boom! I'm keeping my distance; sheer tights and frilly underwear generate a lot of static electricity."

"You haven't any on."

"Well, I'm not fully discharged because I'm tingling under this skirt. There must be a lot of nylon in it."

"Then that rules me out as well. It'll be up to you, Trevor."

"I've already died once today."

"Then you're the obvious choice - lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place. And you're all wet so you won't be a fire hazard."

"We'll toss for it when we get there."

"You can do what you like. We've done our share of heroics for today. The foot's on the other leg now."

"But you did it - you caused the leak."

"No, we didn't - it was an act of dog."

"It's a picture of tranquillity, Susie. Things are all quiet on the western front."

"Apart from the sound of Trevor relieving himself in the bushes, Denise."

We were leaning on the gate at Uncle Frank's, looking up the drive.

"The longer we wait, the more dangerous it becomes. Tell him to hurry, Susie."

"Get back here, Trevor. Stop riddling before your home burns."

"I couldn't help it," he moaned, as he shuffled slowly back towards us. "I've a weak bladder."

"No, you haven't."

"Yes, I have. And it's exacerbated by wet feet."

"It's a nervous sphincter, that's all. Stiffen your sinews, summon up your blood and prepare to go over the top. Everything will be sorted out in five minutes."

"No, it won't. That's only the start of my troubles. Dad's going to come home and find the gas off, the water off - and whatever other damage you've done."

"He's nothing else to worry about, has he, Denise?"

"I'd switch the electric off - just to be on the safe side."

"Oh God," Trevor clapped his hand to his forehead. "That'll be the end of dad's Siamese fighting fish. He's going to have a fit."

"The gas has probably already done for them; you'll be no worse off."

"Oh, Susie, maybe I am dead and I've gone to hell and you'll torment me for ever more."

"Not if you lend me your car, Trevor."

"Go in first and I swear you can have it."

"It'll be no good to me if I'm blown up. You've got Charlotte that's the most important thing and it was all thanks to us, don't forget. Now it's time to show your gratitude and take the lead."

Susie shooed Trevor away and he reluctantly started up the drive. "I'll go as far as the front door and peek inside - but only to check on the situation."

"That's the spirit." Susie gave an encouraging wave. "I really admire your pluck and so will Charlotte. Wait until she hears about this. It's the second time today you've been prepared to die with your boots on."

"But I don't want to be a dead hero."

Susie raised my hand with hers. "He's faltering, Denise, do your bit to cheer on our Galahad."

"Susie's right, Trevor, you're a brave man to go in there without a canary. Try not to breathe too deeply."

He stopped in his tracks. "You mean it's poison!"

"No, it's just the air may be a little deficient in oxygen."

"With my weak chest, I always need plenty of that. And I've still got water in my lungs. I'm definitely not the man for the job."

"Now look what you've done with your careless scientific talk, Denise. How are we going to conjure up a budgie?"

"I'm not going any further - even with a cageful of canaries."

"We can do better than that. We'll send Haggis in first."

"He's dafter than I am; I'm not putting my life in his paws."

"We could tie a rope around your waist and haul you out if you collapse."

"Good idea, Denise. How does that sound, Trevor - a dog and a rope for insurance?"

"Bloody mad!"

"Okay then, we'll wait for your dad and let him deal with it."

"No, no. Come up the drive with me - just for a closer look. I don't know what to do on my own."

"Okay, we'll lend you moral support and give you our expert advice."

"From a distance, Susie," I insisted, as I set out after her. "There's no way I'm going in; it wouldn't be fair on mum. You know what she's like if I go up a ladder; she'd have kittens if I entered an explosive, gas-filled house."

"Your mother can't keep you wrapped in cotton wool, Denise."

"Yes, she can, Susie, I've learned my lesson. When it comes to ticklish situations, I'm staying mummy's little girl. And don't forget, in her absence, she expects you to take special care of me."

"I will. We'll go halfway and no further."

"I'm not getting Haggis out of his kennel either."

"We can't hang around here all day. Go in and turn it off, Trevor."

"It'll be no good if I collapse in the doorway, Susie. Wouldn't it be safer to know how bad the situation is before we do anything?"

"Move in close and have a preliminary sniff, then. There'll be no danger in that."

"With my impaired sense of smell, I'm not suited for the task."

"Don't let him talk us into anything, Susie."

"I won't."

"One of you go and put your nose through the letterbox."

"No!"

"No!" Susie echoed. "Look, Trevor, it hasn't blown up in the last seven hours - so it's highly unlikely to go bang in the next five minutes."

"Your employment of a Bayesian philosophy argument in a time of crisis does you credit, Susie."

"Thank you, Denise, it comes naturally to me - whatever it is."

"You two are at it again; you won't take anything seriously. Have you been making up all this, Susie? It's just the kind of stupid trick you would play on me."

"Not when I'm dripping wet and half naked and with poor Denise close to exposure," Susie railed. "And it's all thanks to you - that's no way to treat guests - it's your responsibility to sort this lot out."

"I just think we should do a full reconnaissance first; like we did in the scouts."

"You were never in the scouts."

"I was - for a week."

"Well, Davy Crockett wouldn't stand here, faffing around. He was a man of action."

"He kilt him a baar, when he was only three, Susie."

"That's right, Denise. You should be ashamed of yourself, Trevor, you're really letting your woggle down."

"Okay, how about this?" He picked up a stone. "I'll break a window and we'll edge forward and see if you get a whiff of gas."

"What if we do?"

"It depends on how strong it is. If I can smell it, I'm calling the fire brigade. Stand back."

Trevor hurled the stone at the small window over the meter cupboard.

"You were nowhere near."

"It was a sighter."

He tried again and the stone bounced off.

"You throw like a girl, Trevor. Show him how it's done, Denise."

"It's not my house, Susie, I think I should leave it to you. Hand over your tie, Trevor."

"But ..."

"Give it to Susie and she'll demonstrate the slings and arrows of her outrageous fortune."

"I certainly will."

Trevor reluctantly passed his tie to Susie. "Don't damage it - Charlotte's riding at the weekend."

Susie picked up a large sharp rock and weighed it in the centre.

"That could do a lot of damage. Have you done this before?"

"No, Trevor, but more than a teensy-weensy pebble is needed for a job like this. Don't worry, I've read all about it - and not on the Internet, Denise. Now stand back."

Susie swung the whole lot round her head.

"One ... two ... three ... let go, Susie!"

"We have lift off, Denise."

Smaaaassssh!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!

"Ecky thump!"

"Ecky bloody thump!"

 

Chapter 68

"Are you okay, Susie?"

"I'm all shook up. I want to hold your hand, Jeffrey," she whispered in my ear.

"I think it's safe to look now."

We relaxed our hug and cautiously turned towards the house.

"It's not that big a hole, Denise - more open-plan."

"A giant pair of patio doors would fit in there nicely."

"What happened?" Trevor pushed himself up onto his knees.

"Susie must have picked up a piece of flint - a mistake anyone could have made. Don't worry, things aren't too bad - they built houses to last in those days."

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSHH!

"You spoke too soon, Denise. There's the upstairs gone."

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNGG!

"And the roof."

WAAALLLLLLOOOOOOOPPPPPPP!

The rest of the building collapsed and sent up a huge cloud of debris.

"I wouldn't be surprised if the whole lot was riddled with woodworm."

"It must have been, Denise - there's no other rational explanation."

"Oh, God." Trevor buried his head in his hands.

"I don't believe it. Three in three days, Susie."

"Count 'em, Denise - and tell me I was wrong. I knew what was coming."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did - and that it would be the biggest yet."

"I can't argue with you there. A lorry load of chewing gum won't put this lot back together again."

"Right, so we'll need a good story; start exercising the old cerebellum, Jeeves."

I contemplated the neat pile of rubble. "One thing's in our favour; it's fallen right in on itself, not a bit of collateral damage. We've done a truly professional job, Susie - Ernie would be proud of ..."

"Duck, Denise!"

"No, it's Brenda, Susie."

I'd seen her coming. I cupped my hands and took a clean catch.

"The sole survivor."

"And not a chip on her - how about that, Susie?"

"Spooky, Denise."

I laid Brenda down on the grass beside Trevor. "We've saved your mum's most prized possession."

He could only manage a nod, but I sensed he was pleased with my effort.

"Double spooky!" Susie slapped me on the back. "Look at that, Denise! Quick, look up there!"

"Where?"

"There - there!" Susie excitedly pointed at the column of dust settling over the ruins.

"What?"

"The face in the cloud."

"I can't see anything."

"Squint, squint, Denise! It's got horns; it's the devil! I told you there was a poltergeist in that house."

"You're crackers."

"Squint!"

"I'm squinting and you're bonkers. That's nothing but a cloud of dust."

"Oh, it's gone now."

"It was never there."

"Yes it was," Susie insisted. "You didn't squint hard enough. It was just like the thing in Quatermass and the Pit."

"Oh, now it all makes sense - a Martian-devil-poltergeist."

"Whatever it was, we've exorcised an evil demon from the house."

"I hope you aren't thinking of trying out that load of nonsense on your uncle - or your dad."

"Only as a last resort - they aren't blessed with the openest of minds. But it was there - you saw it, didn't you, Trevor?"

"Yes, Susie." He swallowed hard. "That's the second vision I've had today."

"Tell Denise - it was a devil with horns, wasn't it?"

Trevor gazed wide-eyed up into the sky. "No, it was Bugs Bunny eating a carrot and wearing a wedding dress. I wonder what it all means."

"It means your glasses are steamed up," Susie snorted. "Give them a wipe."

"I'll take Trevor's word for it, Susie. After all, he should know about such things; he has come back from the dead."

"And I'll be dead again when dad finds out. There's nothing left - everything's gone."

"It's better this way, Trevor - completely raised to the ground." Susie helped him to his feet. "Your dad won't have any quibbles from the insurance company."

"And he'll never know about all the other stuff," I added. "And he'll probably forget about his back as well."

"Denise is right, Trevor. And look the greenhouse came through unscathed, there's another plus. He won't have the hassle of claiming for that again."

"Everyone's a winner, Susie."

"It's hard to imagine how it could have worked out better, Denise."

"Aaarrrghhh!" Trevor let out a wild yell and dashed up the drive to where the front door used to be.

"Come on, Denise, he's had a brainstorm."

When we caught up with him, Trevor was scrambling around fitting broken bricks onto the remains of the wall.

"Help me, Susie."

"Give over, Trevor, you're not in Legoland. This is more of a Humpty Dumpty situation."

"Oooohhh," Trevor moaned and rolled himself into a foetal ball.

Susie gave him a gentle kick. "There's no time for that. I have a plan to deal with this potential hot potato."

"Not another one, Susie."

"You'll like this, Denise, it's simplicity itself. We make ourselves scarce. Abracadabra, hocus-pocus - and we disappear into thin air."

"You mean we run away."

"We drive away. There are no neighbours and no witnesses to our little calamity."

"So far."

"That's why we have to hurry. Action, Denise, action."

"It's all Henry the Fifth and no Hamlet with you, Susie," I sighed. "But I wouldn't want it any other way."

"That's my girl, Denise. Grab an arm - Trevor seems to be rooted to the spot."

I helped Susie haul him to his feet and we set off down the drive.

"I suppose you're right; it's best if we were never here. This could push mum over the edge."

"And dad, Denise - we have to think of others."

"And ourselves, Susie, it's on fire now. Run!"

We pulled an unwilling Trevor along between us and dashed for safety.

"Faster, Denise!"

WHUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMPPP!

A giant sheet of flame and a blast of hot air shot out from the centre of the remains.

"Oooohhh! I felt that up my skirt, Susie."

"Me too, Denise, let's continue our hasty retreat."

We struggled on against Trevor's seeming mad desire to throw himself on the pyre and take part in his version of a Viking funeral.

"We deserve a medal for this, Susie."

"Were bloody saints, that's what we are, Denise, the way we always put other people first," Susie gasped.

"This is a nightmare," Trevor finally managed to babble, as we dragged him across the lawn.

"Woof, woof, woof."

"Haggis is after us."

"What bloody next! As if we haven't enough trouble. Get rid of the bugger; he's covered in dust. It'll be a dead giveaway we've been here if we're caught with him."

I stooped down, picked up Brenda and hurled her in the direction of the compost heap.

"Fetch, boy."

"We don't want him back - say something else."

"It's all right - he's stopped. I think he's trying to eat her."

"That's a pity."

"It's okay, he's just playing. He has a lot of the retriever in him, so he'll have a soft mouth."

"Come on hurry, before he loses interest."

We finally reached the car and shoved Trevor onto the front seat.

"You drive, Susie," I shouted and jumped in alongside.

"Those words are music to my ears, Denise."

Susie leapt behind the wheel and we roared off down the still deserted road.

"I wonder where that fire engine's going, Susie."

"I can't imagine. We'll probably arrive home to some shocking news."

"What degree of concern will be appropriate?"

"When I find out nobody's dead or injured, none at all. I don't want to give myself away."

"The only trouble is, Susie, there's three in on this secret and one of them doesn't seem totally in control of himself. His hand's been halfway up my leg."

"Keep still, Trevor, you're like a fart in a colander. Stop fidgeting or Denise will have to swat you."

"I can't help it, Susie, I'm a nervous wreck. Things were going so well. I had Charlotte where I want her - and now this. Dad will blame me. I'll have to work it off in the business."

"After the dream of a wedding comes a corpse. Make that a few thousand corpses in your case, Trevor."

"Shush, Denise, where are your finer feelings."

"Sorry, Susie, it just seemed apt."

"She's dead right, though," Trevor wailed. "What am I going to do?"

"Nothing! Get it into your head - we were never there. It'll be an explosion due to an unexplained gas leak and no one will be any the wiser. They're everyday occurrences - ask Denise."

"They certainly are for us, Susie."

"Right - blow-ups happen. Homes are the most dangerous places on Earth - I read that somewhere. It's just one more case of an unfortunate domestic accident."

"It was an old house ..."

"A listed building," Trevor groaned. "Dad was proud of the way he'd preserved it."

"If he's kept the lead pipes, rats could have gnawed their way through."

"That sounds a bit far-fetched, Denise."

"A well-known hazard in Victorian times, Susie."

"There were no rats in our house. Don't you dare suggest that to dad - he'll go mad."

"Squirrels, then - they're socially acceptable."

"Right, Denise, I'm sure I heard scrabbling in the attic last night just before the bed collapsed. I put it down to that poltergeist at the time."

"You broke mum's bed and never told me."

"We thought you knew. How could you miss six volumes of Gibbon's 'Decline and Fall' propping up the bottom leg?"

"You're making it worse. Dad reveres those books."

"They were the best match."

"That was gold-embossed real leather - a pleasure to handle."

"Well, it doesn't matter now; they're well and truly cooked books. Put it out of your mind and pay attention to Denise; she's an expert on squirrels as well as plumbing."

"This is all hypothetical, Susie."

"It's only our fall-back position. If anyone asks, our theory will be that a squirrel was the cause of the big bang."

"I'd rather the whole thing remained shrouded in mystery."

"Me too, but you know what people are like, always asking unanswerable questions. We have to tell them something."

"Better make it a grey squirrel, then. They're classed as vermin - and they carry squirrel pox."

"Oh, I don't like the sound of that, Denise. Does it make them forget where they've hidden their nuts? I hope it's not catching."

"Me too - I wouldn't want to mix my toes up."

"You couldn't find us, Trevor - we never met."

"I'll get confused, Susie."

"He's the weak link in the chain," I whispered, as we stood at the park gates waiting for Trevor to drive off. "Can't you hypnotise him or something?"

Susie leant back in at the window. "You've shaken hands with death; you're entitled to be confused. Gibber away incoherently about your near drowning."

"What if they ask me where I've been this last hour?"

"You're suffering from delayed shock and can't remember. Act dumb and keep that blank expression."

"What! I don't look like a zombie, do I? I have come back from the beyond, you know."

"You're just deathly pale and quivering, like the white of an hard-boiled egg."

"Oh." Trevor's face fell.

"But interesting."

"Byronic," I added.

"He's the fellow who was always purging himself."

"I'm impressed with your knowledge of the Romantic poets, Susie."

"He had a thing about his sister. I bet they played some dressing up games together, Denise."

"They had to make their own amusement in those days, Susie."

"It's better than the telly, though."

"I wish you'd stop it," Trevor moaned. "You're bewildering me again."

"Get back to your office and let the secretaries look after you."

"Ask can you borrow some of their clothes - that should convince them you're bonkers."

"Denise!"

"Sorry, Susie."

"No, that's a good idea. I'll wrap myself in the carpet and put my feet in a bowl of hot water. Here, don't forget these." He tossed our wet things out of the window. "I can't have Charlotte finding those."

"Pity a slate didn't hit him on the head," Susie sighed, as he drove away. "Only gently, mind you."

I picked up the pink knickers. "I'll keep these; I don't want to break up the set."

"Bin the rest."

"You'd better keep your briefs as well - just in case."

"In case what?"

"In case we want to go on the swings."

"Or up an escalator."

"I wish I could just forget about things like this; keeping quiet presents me with a tricky ethical dilemma."

"A deep thinker like you shouldn't be troubled by such petty matters. All your great philosophers reckon they're above the law."

"How about you?"

"My conscience is clear. Morality doesn't come into it in a situation like this. I'm a Darwinist. Survival of the Susie is my principal priority."

"And the Jeffrey."

"That goes without saying; I'm an altruist as well."

"Is there an ist you isn't?"

"Don't mock; I know what I'm talking about. I've read that book by Steven Dawking."

"Who?"

"The chap who believes God is dead."

"Aren't you mixing up Hawking and Dawkins?"

"That's them. I've studied both."

"I don't know where you find the time."

"I skimmed through, Jeffrey, I only need to get the gist."

"Details matter, Susie."

"Then you can't see the wood for the trees. My way lets you grasp the big picture; I'm what you call a polymath."

"But ..."

"No arguments, Jeffrey, they're impeccable authorities."

"Dawkins married one of Doctor Who's glamorous assistants."

"Is that another of your amusing bits of trivia?"

"There's much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge, but that's by the bye. I'm only sounding a note of caution. I wouldn't be happy getting my scientific information from a Doctor Who fan."

"It's not as authentic as Star Trek; I'll grant you that."

"Why?"

"Because Star Trek's American; they can afford top scientific advisors. That Richard Hawkins even appeared in one episode, so it has his seal of approval."

"No, he was in the Simpsons, which to my way of thinking undermines his impeccable authority status."

"You're an intellectual snob."

"Maybe so, but I'm glad 'Abbott and Costello meet Albert Einstein' has never turned up on the late night movie."

"Are you cold, Jeffrey?"

"I'm soggy up top and worried about suffering from exposure down below. I have an irrational fear my skirt's going to fly out." I paused from whirling our knickers around my head. "I'm putting mine back on. Stand in front of me."

Susie did more than that; she helped them all the way up. "You're not cold."

"My feet are still wet and I'm uncomfortable. Let's get into town and find some dry clothes."

"We girls have an extra layer of insulation; that's why you're not cold."

"I haven't entirely abandoned the puppy fat theory. And I have eaten an awful lot of fish; someone from mum's family is always bringing it round. I could give Eskimos a run for their money in the sea food stakes."

"And the Japanese - I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't where all their feminine boys come from."

"They're a brainy lot as well so it's not all bad. Actually, none of it's bad."

"Too right, Jeffrey, everything's coming up roses. We've buried all our little misdemeanours at Uncle Frank's and no one will be any the wiser. We can chalk up another perfect crime. How many's that now?"

"I've given up counting; I don't want to tempt fate."

"The only downside I can see is if Uncle Frank and family decamp to our house. I could be fighting over a bedroom with Mikey."

"Volunteer to give up yours, Susie, you can come and live with us - problem solved."

"You know what, Jeffrey, I'm beginning to believe in miracles."

"Don't get carried away, Susie, they're not so rare. A person can expect to experience an exceptional event of special significance every thirty-five days."

"Is this one of your scientific facts or did you read it on a sauce bottle?"

"It's Littlewood's law; he's what you would describe as an impeccable authority."

"I'll take your word for that, but it still doesn't come anywhere near explaining our run of luck, Jeffrey."

"Someone has to win the lottery, Susie."

"Quit dragging your heels like a kid who's lost his conkers, Jeffrey."

"This wasn't in my plans at all, Susie. The sooner I'm safely back home cleaning my bike chain, the better. We should have been well on our way by now."

"More haste, less speed. Let's enjoy the sights."

"I know what you're looking for."

"Well then, help me - Stephanie's must be around here somewhere."

"I don't want to go there. It'll be all personal questions and girl talk - stuff about fashion and make-up. I'll be at sixes and sevens."

"You'll be okay, Jeffrey, leave the heavy lifting to me. All you have to do is converse politely about this and that."

"Things about which I know very little, Susie."

"It's easy: she says 'what do you think of this?' and you say 'I don't think much of that'. Got it?"

I nodded. "But it won't do much good; it doesn't work with you."

"You wouldn't want it to. Enter high-class dress shop into your sat-nav and let's go."

"No, wait." I pulled Susie back. "There's another thing; I think she may have more than a professional interest in us."

"What do you mean?"

"She took considerable pleasure lacing me into that dress - I could tell."

"Anyone would - I can't wait to get my knee on your back again."

"Be serious, Susie, there's a good chance we could end up naked in front of her and then where would we be. Who knows what she might want us to do."

"Don't worry, if she offers us a bag of toffees, we'll be straight out of there lickety-split. Now, shake a leg."

I sulked along beside Susie. "This is taking too long. The wind's whistling right up my skirt. I wish I hadn't put those damp knickers back on; it can't be good for me."

"It's the same for me and I'm not complaining."

"Well, I feel vulnerable; my bra's still showing through. Why can't we stop messing around and go to Asda or a charity shop? She won't have the right sort of clothes for everyday wear."

"It'll be better than parading about like this."

"I'd rather dry off on the bus home."

"That's out of the question; we can't be too careful after having mumps."

"We haven't had blinking mumps."

"Temper, Jeffrey."

"Never mind 'temper' - the wonder is that I haven't had a complete nervous collapse."

"And me, Jeffrey - I'm a sensitive soul as well."

"And there's mum to think of - I don't want to turn up in another exotic outfit and shock her again. Why can't I get a pair of jeans and go home as almost Jeffrey?"

"You can't do that. What's dad going to say when he finds out we spent the night together?"

"He knows I'm Jeffrey; what difference does it make?"

"He believes you're not as other boys, Denise."

"Well, I'm not - and I never wanted to be. In fact, I didn't want to be like anyone. I still don't. I'm an arrogant little beggar. I was in real danger of becoming an autotheist until I met you, Susie."

"I can't believe you'd ever worship a motorcar, Jeffrey."

"I ... Oh, never mind."

"I wish you wouldn't keep changing the subject. The thing is we have to keep dad sweet. There's no need to upset him unnecessarily."

"You mean until after you get your car."

"No, Jeffrey - I'm being considerate of his feelings - fathers feel specially protective to their daughters. You know how it is."

"I don't, actually. I sometimes wonder what dad would have made of all this."

"Were you close to him?"

"Well, we lived in the same house."

"Oh."

"No, I didn't mean it that way; he would have done anything for me, but we were complete opposites."

"Not in looks; I can see you in his photos - apart from the crooked nose."

"He got it broke when mum first met him and he wouldn't have it fixed. He thought it helped in the business, but it didn't please mum."

"He never tried to make a man out of you, Jeffrey."

"No, he sort of gave me up to mum and gran. I have an early memory of watching him play football; it frightened me and I cried."

"What's scary about football?"

"Nothing to a normal boy - that's the point. Maybe he knew something was amiss all along."

"But he didn't say anything."

"No, only about my brains. I think he was more amazed to have fathered an intellectual. He never read a book in his life; just the back page of the paper."

"You had nothing in common at all, then."

"I always look out for Burnley's result."

"Well, that's something."

"It isn't always the cheeriest of occupations."

"At last," Susie threw up her arm in triumph when Stephanie's finally loomed into view. "And it's been worth the effort, we've arrived on the poshest street in town."

"How do you work that out?"

"Instinct - it has an exclusive feel and it's full of mock Victorian street furniture. This is the place to go shopping, or at least, get a couple of empty bags to show off."

"You wouldn't object to having a right honourable for a cousin, Susie. Trevor's not the only one who's a bit of a social climber."

"No, rich and common will suit me fine; I'm stuck on you, Jeffrey."

Susie took a firm hold on my arm and ushered me across the road.

"It's all right, I'm not going to run away. I'm with you for better or worse. I just think this idea may be in the worse category."

"We can dry off properly and there's no better place to get some nice new underwear."

"And then what? I'm not going home in a wedding dress. I want something sensible."

"She'll have mother of the bride outfits."

"Susie!"

"They'll be okay; we just won't wear the hats."

"I don't know if this is good for me, Susie," I muttered, as we covered the final few yards.

"Buck up, imagine yourself in that dress in the window. I bet it's a five thousand pounder."

"Then I'm going nowhere near it."

"You can dream."

"I think that would be over-Denising it. Dressing up as a shy schoolgirl and admiring myself in the mirror was as far as my fantasy went."

"I don't believe it."

"I may have had a notion about doing a striptease as a sexy weathergirl in high heels and a tight skirt - but only occasionally and as a special treat."

"Like every night, that rings a little truer."

"Not really, once I got the clothes on, I wouldn't want to take them off. I never do; that's why it's dangerous for me to go into Stephanie's; I'll come out dressed to the nines."

"You're just making up for lost time; it's good therapy for you."

"Come on then, but I'm relying on you to see I don't go home to mum all dolled up like a glamour girl. I don't want her thinking she should send me to a psychiatrist."

"Trust me, Jeffrey, she'll only send you to me," Susie smiled and pushed open the door.

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNG!

"After you - and try not to drip on anything expensive."

"If she's not there in person, we'll be thrown out as soon as we cross the threshold. I can but only hope."

 

Chapter 69

"Shop! Shop! Where's she got to, Denise?"

"Shush, Susie, don't disturb her. It can be very off-putting if you're caught in the middle of a comfort break."

"You mean she's on the bog?"

"Yes - and things aren't moving as freely as she'd like."

"Still, it shouldn't take this long."

"Well, maybe she's relaxing with a quiet cup of tea and a chocolate hobnob."

"In the lav?"

"Having a read, then."

"Then we'll wait; it's nice and cosy. Sit down and make yourself comfortable."

"I can't. I'm still sticky underneath."

"Well, take them off."

"I'd better - mum's always warning me about wearing underclothes that aren't properly aired."

"She really is overprotective of you, Jeffrey."

"I'm all she has, Susie - and I like being fussed over," I smiled.

"Hold onto me, Jeffrey."

I had one leg in the air when the inner door flew open.

"What the ..."

"Hello, Stephanie," we chorused. "Remember us."

"With affection, duckies," she grinned. "What's happened to you?"

"We had an accident," Susie explained, as I casually picked up my knickers.

"And someone's lost their undies."

"I got them wet."

Stephanie raised an eyebrow.

"And the rest of me - I fell in the lake."

"Don't be modest, Denise. The truth is, Stephanie, we're unsung heroes."

"What have you been up to?"

"We rescued a drowning man. We didn't hesitate; we dived in fully clothed. The only dry bit of us is our emergency skirts."

"Emergency skirts?"

"Yes, Denise's mum insists we go nowhere without them since the unfortunate incident with the dog, but that's another story."

"One of several - I've given mum a few shocks lately. I don't want to upset her again by going home bedraggled."

"Especially since we've both had the mumps. We were hoping you'd help us Stephanie."

"There's a bathroom at the top of the stairs," she laughed. "Go and dry off before you tell me any more tall tales."

"Thanks. Come on, Denise, up the dancers and no malarkey in the shower this time."

"Where's Stephanie got to, Susie?"

"She must have a customer."

I put my head up against the bathroom door. "I can't hear anything. She's gone missing again."

"So what, it doesn't matter," Susie purred and ran her fingers down my back. "We'll find some way to pass the time."

"You shouldn't have thrown our clothes out to her. It's a plot to see us stark naked."

"Oh not now, Susie. Look, all we've got is one damp hand towel between us. She must have known that - what are we going to do?"

"Nothing. This is how they carry on in the modelling world - all girls together. Stephanie won't give such things a second thought."

"She will if she sees this girl in the altogether." I snatched up the towel and wrapped it around my waist. "I wouldn't put it past her to come barging in unannounced."

Susie stood back and gave me the once over. "You'll be okay, only your nipples are erect."

I tweaked them and a broad grin spread over Susie's face.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing - your Miss is as good as a smile, Jeffrey. You're all right to pop on down and find out where Stephanie's disappeared to."

"You must be barking mad," I spluttered. "She'll probably think I'm coming on to her." I felt myself colouring up. "Stop staring - look what you've gone and done. I'm flushed with excitement."

"She'll take it for a healthy glow after a vigorous rub-down. You're a girl, Denise, it doesn't mean anything to be naked before another woman."

"Then you go."

"I haven't got a towel."

"And you're not having this one; it's my first, last and only line of defence."

"Then we'll wait."

I opened the door and gave Susie a push. "Shout down."

"Hello, Stephanie ... Stephanie ..."

"What did I tell you? She's shut up shop and forgotten all about us."

"Don't be daft, Jeffrey, it's only been five minutes."

"It feels like an eternity. Go down and have a shufti."

"You wouldn't want me to descend strange stairs, naked and alone."

"I'll watch from the landing."

"We'll go together - with you in front, since you're semi-respectable."

"I'm not going topless."

"Use your hands."

"They have to keep a firm grip on the towel, otherwise it'll be 'goodbye, Denise - hello, Jeffrey' before we're halfway."

"I'll cover up Pinky and Perky from behind, while you hide me from in front and then we can do the locomotion."

"Okay - no running away, if we're surprised, though."

"Have I ever?"

"I suppose not, but don't propel us forward into danger, either. And give over tuning in Radio Gaga on Pinky and Perky."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, I forgot myself. I'll keep my future movements to the bare minimum."

I cautiously opened the bathroom door and poked out my head. "Wait ... wait - don't shove."

"Is it all clear?"

"Shush, I'm listening ..."

"It's as quiet as the tomb of Kamasutra. Hurry up, the sooner we get down there, the sooner you'll be safe in skirts again."

"You're joking! What we both need is a pair of dungarees and tackety boots. Couldn't we occasionally go out dressed as Oor Wullie?"

"Now, that would be peculiar," Susie chuckled, "but if that's what you want. Lead on, MacBuff!"

"I told you so, Susie, she's gone home."

"Try the door."

"Let's get some underwear on first."

"I'll have these." Susie chose the plainest on display. "You can have the honeymoon set."

"We can't afford that."

"I wasn't thinking of paying for it."

"Aren't I too young and innocent for black?"

"No."

"Well okay, but only because I don't want to be caught rooting around through drawerfuls of drawers."

"I believe you, Denise," Susie laughed and disappeared into a stockroom.

"Don't leave me struggling; I'm new to all this - aren't you going to help?"

"You know exactly what to do. I'm looking for some clothes ... Bingo! ... just what I need."

"Pinky and Perky look a little lost in this bra, Susie."

"Change it or stuff something in."

"No, it doesn't matter - no one will see. Get me a floppy top."

"Da-da - how do I look?"

Susie emerged in a pair of pants, a matching jacket and her new shoes from the market.

"Suits you, Susie - very nice."

"You too. You even managed the suspender belt and sheer silk stockings; they weren't absolutely necessary."

"They were to me, Susie," I pouted, as I smoothed down the last fastening. "They're part of the set and I'm a completist. Anyway, mum wouldn't approve of my going bare-legged - because I know you're not going to let me have a pair of trousers."

"I will if you insist. There's a nice pageboy outfit."

"No thank you."

"A pair of tartan trews, then?"

"Find me a dress. But not a wedding dress - something suitable for walking the streets."

"There's a complete kiltie outfit. You were looking forward to being kitted out as a wee Scots lassie, weren't you?"

"Not to parade through the town in. Aren't there any normal clothes for me?"

"You can't do mother of the bride, Jeffrey, but how about this?" Susie held out a black leather mini-dress. "It has Denise written all over it."

"That's a funny outfit for a bridal shop."

"Maybe Stephanie does biker weddings. Whatever, it'll look great on you."

"I don't know ... it is tempting. I expect it'll be nice and warm, but we might end up having to buy it. Everything in here will be so expensive; we should have gone to Asda."

"We're only borrowing it."

"It'll be second-hand when we bring it back and this sort of stuff doesn't hold its value. Stephanie will want something in return."

"She owes us, Jeffrey, we never got paid for the modelling."

"I thought I was a volunteer."

"That's right. I volunteered you, but on strictly professional terms."

"I don't want to press the point; arguing over money is embarrassing, Susie."

"Not to me it isn't. There's nothing ladylike in letting yourself be screwed."

"We've had our little windfalls; we shouldn't be greedy. It was fun on Sunday; I'd rather forget it."

"You're a soft touch, Jeffrey."

"Stephanie welcomed us with open arms and we have helped ourselves to her best stuff."

"Okay, we'll write it off to experience. She probably missed out on a lot of sales as well; I suppose the decent thing is to share in her loss."

"And it seems she's understaffed; maybe she's having a cash-flow problem."

Susie smiled and held up the dress against me. "You can help her there."

"No, I can't. I'm definitely not forking out for that."

"Try it on; it'll be a new experience."

"Okay, just to please you, but I'm not going home in it. Mum wouldn't approve of something so tight."

"Figure-hugging - just the thing for a high-class weather-girl."

I ran my hand over the material. "Or a strict librarian; shiny black leather is very bookish."

"Now you're entering the realms of fantasy, Jeffrey."

"I'm not. I'd feel every inch the serious thinker in this. We could discuss the French existentialist philosophers and the films of Brigitte Bardot."

"I'd rather we pretended I was a naughty girl who had lots of books overdue."

"That's an interesting idea. You're keen enough on role reversal when we're in trouble; I wouldn't mind trying a bit of it in private."

Susie swooned into my arms. "Is this what you mean, darling?"

"Ooooooeeer! I'm slip-sliding away."

"Fall on your bum - not mine, Jeffrey."

"Oooooofff."

"Oooff."

"Ooowww!"

Susie bounced off me and I fell on her.

"Over we go, Jeffrey."

"Denise should be top girl when she's wearing all her finery," I giggled, as we rolled across the floor.

"Oh, someone's coming - get up quick!"

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNG!

"End of round one girls."

"Aaaahhh!"

I found my nose pressed against a pair of high-heeled shoes.

"You can stay down there if you like."

Susie scrambled to her feet and pulled me after her.

"No damage done," Susie smiled. "There must be a wet patch where we dripped on the floor - so don't worry, we won't sue."

"I see you've been playing expensive dress-up while I was feeding the parking meter."

"You took our clothes and we couldn't find any cheap clobber."

"I should think not. Everything of mine is exclusive."

"I suppose that goes for the wedding dress, Stephanie."

"You mean the one you disappeared with."

"We didn't; we were delayed by our daring rescue."

"Another one, Susie?"

"Our second, wasn't it, Denise?"

"The less said about them, the better, Susie." I summoned up an apologetic look. "I'm sorry we haven't brought back your dress, Stephanie. None of this was planned; we got on the wrong bus."

"After yet another daring exploit. We ..."

"Will you stop it, Susie. What's Stephanie's going to think?"

"Sorry, Denise, carry on with your explanation."

"The dress is safe and we will return it, honest. I've looked after it really well; it's in practically mint condition."

"I don't want it back; it's shop soiled."

"No, it's not and I can't afford to buy it. You can use it for your demonstrations."

"No, I can't and you won't have to buy it. It's officially stolen with the others. When I went back all my stock had vanished. Someone in that hotel didn't show the blitz spirit."

"We did - and you'll get back the dress."

"Don't make a liar of me with the insurance company, Denise. It's gone; never to be seen again. Put it in your bottom drawer."

"I don't think mum will be happy with my harbouring a hot wedding dress in my wardrobe. She's very strict about things like that. Mum keeps a watchful eye on me."

"Your mother seems to give you free range in the knicker department, Denise. From hot pink to black satin - is that your usual everyday wear?"

"I was in a rush both times. They were the first things that came to Susie's hand."

"Tell Stephanie the truth, Denise, you've a soft spot for the exotic stuff."

"I'm a victim of circumstances. I would have had the trouser suit if you hadn't bagged it first. I wore nothing but pants up to this last week. I've been a tomboy all my life."

"Those days are gone, Denise, you're too well developed to carry on with that nonsense."

"Well, what about you?"

"Susie's right, dear, you're better in a dress. Her outfit is too grown-up for a young girl."

"We're the same age."

"But you lack her maturity, Denise."

"I was old enough to model your wedding dress."

"And very cute you were. It was a great bit of fun for the audience."

"My mum thought I looked wonderful; I brought a tear to her eye."

"Mine as well, Denise, you were a beautiful bride. I would have had record sales, but for that bloody bomb. Thank God I was over-insured."

"Just out of interest, how would you get on if your shop was blown up?"

"What a funny question, Susie."

"It's made me wonder, that's all; the insurance people seem to have taken you pretty much at your word."

"And why not? This is an eminently respectable business."

"Like a funeral director."

"Are you feeling all right, Susie?"

"Fine, only I know an undertaker who had a lot of trouble claiming for a greenhouse."

"Outbuildings can be a problem and away from home claims, but I have iron-clad cover; there's no need to worry."

"Good, we wouldn't want Stephanie to have any problems, would we, Denise?"

"Definitely not."

"Thank you, my dear, now it's time we got you dressed. I can see you're straining to see yourself in black leather."

"I'm holding it up in case someone comes in the shop and catches me deshabille."

"Well, get it on, then," Stephanie laughed.

"I'd like to, but I shouldn't; I might damage it and you've suffered enough losses."

"That's another one of them, Denise, it officially disappeared after the explosion - along with Susie's suit."

"Aren't you afraid of losing your no-claims bonus?"

"Actually, the hotel's insurance company is paying so I'm making the most of it."

"Isn't that dishonest?"

"Shush, Denise, it's standard business practice. My dad's an estate agent, Stephanie, I know all about these things."

"Well, what I've told you is strictly confidential - understand?"

"My lips are sealed; I know how to be discrete, don't I, Denise?"

"Indubitably, Susie, or I'd be losing sleep, over the secrets that you keep."

"It's time for another cover-up, Denise, let's get you dressed."

"Wait, Susie - that bra's too big for Denise. Hold on, I've just the thing." Stephanie ducked behind the counter and came up with a pair of helpers. "Let's try it with these."

"Oh, I don't know ..."

"Hold still."

"But mum ..."

"She won't find out."

"Oh go on, then."

"The shape of things to come, Denise," Susie smiled, as Stephanie stepped back.

"Ah, they're enormous," I gasped.

"Only 34B, but they'll fill out the dress nicely. You want to do it justice, don't you?"

"I suppose it will look better with a few curves in the right places."

"Is Denise's bottom big enough?"

"She's nicely developed down there; it'll be a snug fit. In you go, dear - let's get you fastened up."

I writhed and wriggled my way into the dress with a little enthusiastic help from both of them.

"Ow!"

Stephanie smacked my bum as she forced the zip home.

"Voila! It's perfectly moulded to your figure. You won't want to get out of that in a hurry."

"You were right about the dress, Denise, no one will doubt you have plenty up top. How does it feel?"

"Extremely tight, Susie, I can't walk properly."

"You need a proper pair of shoes." Susie got my high heels out of her bag. "You'll be able to sway along with the best of them once you get these on."

I slipped on the red stilettos, took a few steps and looked at myself in the mirror.

"Aaaaaaahhhh," I gasped.

"Happy with my work, Denise?"

"Tell Susie she can keep the pants - forever!"

"It's you, Denise."

"I know, Susie. It does make me look pretty brainy."

"Amongst other things."

"And it must be good for my posture as well; I have an overwhelming desire to walk around with a maths book on my head."

"If you want to do that, you'll have to go home in it."

"I don't see why not, as long as I behave modestly. Mum has a leather skirt, after all."

"She'll think you're adorable, my dear. You've given me an idea for my next makeover - biker girl to blushing bride. Susie can drag you out of the audience as a reluctant volunteer. You start of all sulky and end up with a radiant smile once I've worked my magic."

"I'll bring along some bubble-gum and Denise can act the right little minx."

"Good idea, Susie."

"I've another one. You're an ace with make-up, Stephanie, can you show me how to do Denise's eyes like Marilyn Monroe?"

"Cleopatra, Bambi - nothing's beyond me, Susie. I'm not a make-up artist; I'm an artist who works with make-up."

"Just as long as you aren't a Picasso. He wasn't much of a painter, was he, Denise?"

"He didn't do ceilings, Susie, that's what sorts out the tradesmen from the cowboys."

"You deserve the full film star treatment for that, Denise," Stephanie chuckled.

"I'll look silly," I protested. "When did Marilyn wear a tight black leather mini-dress?"

"Go on," Susie urged, "you can be a modern incarnation."

"Don't fight it, Denise," Stephanie smiled, "I know you like dressing up."

"It's just a hobby. I'm not keen on being a dizzy blonde."

"Marilyn had an I.Q. of a hundred and eighty."

"No, she didn't, Susie."

"Yes, she did. Why else would Arthur Einstein have married her?"

"You're doing it on purpose."

"I don't know what you're talking about. It was a documentary and it was on the BBC. I missed the beginning and I fell asleep before the end, but I remember that bit in the middle quite distinctly."

"And Elvis is living in a world war two bomber on the moon."

"He was her half-brother, Denise."

"This has gone far enough, Susie - Pinky and Perky are twitching again."

"That just proves you need to relax after the time you've had. And what better way than strutting around as Marilyn Monroe."

Stephanie guided me over to a chair. "Sit here, my little darling - and shut your eyes."

Susie helped me down. "Be a good girl, Denise - do as you're told."

"Okay," I sighed, "but don't make it permanent this time. I have to go to school tomorrow."

"That's the one, Susie, it'll top things off perfectly."

Stephanie plonked the blonde wig on my head.

"It's not glued on, is it? I'll have enough trouble with the nails."

"Don't worry, a good tug and it will come off. There, go and have a look at yourself."

"Oh God," I breathed. "Now you've really done it. I definitely can't go home like this. Mum will never recognise me; she never suspected I had a secret desire to be a blonde bombshell - and neither did I."

"I thought she caught you singing along to Denis, Denis."

"And Sunday Girl."

"That must have given her a clue - and you."

"I was preparing the ground for something completely different- Heart of Glass was next on the list, before an accident with some peroxide. Mum is a big Debbie Harry fan and I was hoping she might take the hint and offer to dress me up for Halloween."

"I will if she won't."

"I know, Susie, but I wanted to surprise you as your spunky, funky, punky pop princess."

"You have, Denise, it's a long way from a shy librarian."

"I thought it would be a good excuse to carry a bicycle chain - just in case anyone tries to mess with us. That's what gave me the idea in the first place."

"I never believed otherwise, Denise - and I'm looking forward to it. But now's the time to show off your softer side; give us an impression of Debbie's mother, Marilyn, to be going on with."

"No, I'll only make a fool of myself."

"That's impossible, Denise!" Stephanie exclaimed. "You're one of my beautiful creations. I was totally inspired now let's see you in action."

"Don't disappoint Stephanie after all her hard work, Denise. Give it a go."

"I shouldn't really, but just for you, Susie."

I worked up to a big finish with a pout and a thrust of my bum towards the door.

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNG!

"Oooooohhhh! Hello, Mrs Smith."

"Found you at last, Susie. Where's Jeffrey?"

"Under there, Mrs Smith."

"Hello, Mum. Happy birthday!"