Uneasy Money

A 50,000 Word Romp

In a little self-indulgent preamble, Susie persuades Jeffrey to show off their latest comedy misadventure to a largely indifferent audience. After which, for those still interested, it's more of the same crazy dialogue and lunatic situations. Following an entertaining diversion on the way home, Susie and Jeffrey hit the treasure trail and lead their pursuers a merry dance before waltzing their way to the top of the Tower.

The 4X4 bounced on its wheels as our missile struck, caving in the roof above the driver's seat.

"Bull's-eye, Jeffrey! That's buckled their steering wheel."

"They'll be going home on the bus, Susie."

"It serves them jolly well right - pity about the window-box, though. It was probably someone's pride and joy."

"Look what they made it from - no wonder it had such an impact."

The shattered cement casing of the upturned planter revealed its humble origin.

"Ah, Jeffrey, do you know what we've done?"

"Yes, Susie, we've thrown in the kitchen sink."

"And we're not half finished - I hope we haven't peaked too early."

 

 

"What's the matter, Jeffrey? You look like you've lost 250,000 pounds and found a penny."

"It's the same old story, Susie - I've just finished writing up our most recent adventure, and it's left me feeling down."

"I'm not surprised - you've been fiddling away for ages while Susie yearns. I'll be glad to see the back of it."

"I won't. I like tinkering - adding in bits of funny business - and it puts off the evil day of posting. The reception to come is what's so dispiriting. It takes away all the pleasure."

"You should be happy to have a maiden century under your belt, Jeffrey. And a hundredweight of chapters is something to celebrate as well."

"Not by many, Susie - people have deserted us in droves. Our happy-go-lucky escapades have lost most of their appeal - if they ever had much."

"I enjoy it, Jeffrey, and I always will. Three years we've been at it, and it seems like only a fortnight."

"Twelve and a quarter days to be exact."

"Brimming with merriment and zany energy - I'm loving it Jeffrey."

"You're in the vast minority, Susie. Our last offering only managed 26 votes - hardly more than random noise. That should convince you of the lack of appreciation for our efforts. A two minute shopping list would have done better than my eight month 55,000 words."

"We've had lovely, positive comments, though. Some folk have been wonderfully generous in their praise."

"And I really need it."

"I know - you're forever rereading them."

"I would have packed things in long ago without their encouragement. They give me a lift and remind me of the high hopes I had after our initial reception."

"I certainly thought we were onto a winner, Jeffrey."

"We obviously peaked too early - probably at the end of chapter two."

"Don't say that - our latest exploits are as fresh and funny as when we first started. And we dispatch an even bigger dog - plus a couple of nasty villains into the bargain."

"It won't make any difference, Susie - the jury has already delivered its verdict. Most of our readers and commenters have vanished, never to click on us again."

"It's their loss, but you'll just have to accept that our high jinks are falling on increasingly stony ground. Perhaps they don't get it, or they want an easier read - it's not straightforward stuff."

"Whatever the reason, our postings are mainly ignored and disappear into near oblivion. The sad thing is I honestly believe we deserve more interest and acclaim."

"So do I, Jeffrey - the miles I've slogged to put a smile on the face of the ungrateful buggers."

"Careful, Susie - or you'll drive away what's left of our followers."

"I can't help speaking my mind, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie."

"The fact is we've given it our all in the cause of fun, fun, fun."

"And become unloved - we obviously haven't delivered what the people here wanted."

"Or expected, Jeffrey. You have to admit the TG element has turned out to be a MacGuffin - just another comedy plot device to drive the story."

"Shush, Susie, it always was - but that's supposed to be our secret. Letting the cat out of the bag will stir up a hornet's nest - remember where we are."

"Ahead of our time, Jeffrey; that's where we are - like all surrealist originals. There's nothing like us on Big Closet or anywhere else for that matter."

"It is possible I'm simply in the wrong genre. I hope that's the reason my attempts at a laugh a minute are frowned on."

"Idiot and bigger idiot is the tried and tested formula for comedy duos. Perhaps we irritate people by being too clever by twice."

"We need to be a pair of Bugs Bunnies, the holes we get into, Susie."

"And it doesn't stop there - we're breaking all the rules and doing everything in reverse."

"It's blooming hard work either way."

"You're too right, Jeffrey. We've been at it non-stop for 370,000 words with barely a pause for breath. And there's not an ounce of padding - not that you need any."

"We've eschewed the standard ingredients, Susie."

"And spat them out, Jeffrey."

"Doing it our way hasn't been a runaway success, though."

"My feet would beg to differ. Why you have to involve us in so many Keystone Cops chases is beyond me."

"I think it may be a by-product of subverting all the usual cliches, Susie."

"You can say that again, Jeffrey. If we go shopping, we end up in Aldi or B&Q - it's deliberate provocation on your part. No wonder we're missing the pink spot by a country mile."

"It's my mistake. I thought folk would welcome an idiosyncratic, light-hearted story with no issues and a life of its own, but it seems to have been a major misjudgement. We're too different for our own good."

"Well, it suits me. I don't want to go to any slumber parties. I want to be out and about killing dogs."

"Our treatment of poor dumb animals won't have furthered our cause, Susie."

"They deserved what they got, Jeffrey - stick to your pumps. We should remain truly wonderful to ourselves."

"I can't change our style, Susie, but I am thinking of changing our audience. I feel like transferring my nonsense to our own private blog or even keeping it just between the three of us."

"That'd be selfish now we've come this far, Jeffrey. We owe a big thank you to all those who have taken the trouble to support us."

"I realise that - but I feel my work is going to waste, and I'm somehow throwing it away."

"Casting pearls before swine."

"Aaaaah, Susie - your recklessness is surfacing again."

"Bugger 'em, Jeffrey - in our situation, it doesn't matter anymore. It can't get any worse so we may as well cast caution to the winds and let off some steam."

"I suppose so, but you don't want to offend people - exercise a bit of restraint."

"I'm not reckless, Jeffrey, I'm enterprising, and folk should be thankful for it. Otherwise they'd have had 112 chapters of your bedroom gazing to contemplate."

"That probably would have had more appeal, Susie."

"Don't keep harping on about it, Jeffrey; you should be used to our unsung heroes status by now. The rewards we've missed out on! I'm owed a luxury foot spa, at the very least."

"But I really can't understand where we've gone wrong - some of our banter even makes me laugh, and I know what's coming."

"It's funny stuff, Jeffrey. In fact it's so good, you're duty-bound to inflict it on them whether they want it or not. I shouldn't go unheard like some mute inglorious Milton. I've a load of great lines in our latest adventure."

"If you say so, Susie."

"We should be on the telly, Jeffrey."

"I don't know about that."

"You can trust my judgement. I'm well up on Freud's theory of screwball comedy. My perfectly timed delivery of 'Where's the monkey?' would have had him wetting his nappies."

"Oh, do you think I'm writing this stuff because my childish happiness has fled, Susie?"

"Not with me around, Jeffrey. Come here ... "

"Oooohhh ..."

"Has your moaning made you feel any better, Jeffrey?"

"Pinky and Perky are chuffed, Susie, but I'm even more nervous about the posting after all my whinging."

"It's okay - no one will laugh at you."

"I hope they do. I wouldn't like my mini-masterpiece to be met with a deafening silence."

"Actually, Jeffrey, in the heat of the moment, I may have slightly exaggerated its merits to spur you on."

"Ooooohhhh, Susie - you've flattered to deceive."

"Don't start moping again, Jeffrey."

"I can't help it, Susie; all this artistic rejection is hard to handle."

"Cheer up, at least you've still got both your ears."

"If they haven't read the story, Susie, that won't make much sense - but does any of it?"

"It's not meant to, Jeffrey. Now stop sulking, and on with the motley. Let's really give them something to laugh at."

 

 

 

 

Chapter 95

"I don't know about you, Jeffrey, but this young pretender is in danger of suffering from exposure."

"Head down, and hang on in there, Susie," I urged, as we cycled home along the spray-lashed lower walk. "You really are doing well."

"What is it about bikes, Jeffrey? The wind's always in your face. It was bad enough going, and now it's even worse coming back. How do you explain that?"

"Southwest, veering northwest, four or five, increasing six later. You'll have to pay more attention to the shipping forecast in future, Susie. Fastnet, Lundy, Irish Sea, Malin ..."

"And sweet Rockall - this isn't the time or place for your pillow talk, Jeffrey."

"I thought it might encourage you to hug the shelter of my back wheel."

"I'm trying my best, but you aren't making it easy. Don't go so blooming fast."

"I want to get off here as soon as possible, Susie. I'm not warmly wrapped down up top, like you, and the cold's having a strange effect."

"Really, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, there's been a full-scale retreat from Moscow in the nether regions, while Pinky and Perky are proudly advancing at the front with fixed nipples."

"That's perfectly normal; it's just an extreme manifestation of goosebumps."

"Maybe, but it's a little disconcerting - and chilly. I wish I'd worn a woolly vest; my lack of shorts is letting the breeze billow right up this shirt."

"Tuck it in your knickers."

"I can't show off my undies to the world."

"No one will notice; they could pass for a bikini bottom."

"It still isn't proper."

"Yes it is - you're almost on the beach."

"I'm not ... Oh, watch out, Susie - here comes a big one!" I bore down even harder on the pedals and accelerated clear before the seventh wave crashed into the seawall.

"Aaaaawww, bugger!" Susie shrieked, as the cascade of spray caught her amidships. "I'm soaked again, Jeffrey," she wailed. "Why does going out with you always end up an endurance test?"

I dropped back and surveyed the results of the shower. "Well, it's washed off some of the mud," I smiled, "but it'll play havoc with the chrome."

"Blow the blinking bike, Jeffrey! I should be your first concern - especially after that not so chivalrous behaviour."

"I warned you, Susie. What more could I do? Even King Canute couldn't stem the tide."

"You should have stayed alongside, like a faithful squire, and been my shield."

"Well, it's too late now - it's all water over the wall - the white horse has bolted - you can't ride two ..."

"Put a fetlock in it, Jeffrey. Thanks to your wilful neglect of my welfare, these wet shorts are set to rub salt into my wounds."

"Chafing your thighs, are they, Susie?"

"Ever so slightly, Jeffrey - this kit is a tight fit. I don't suppose you've a tube of Germolene tucked away in your saddlebag."

"Sorry, Susie, I've nothing to lubricate you with, but I promise I'll be the one who soaps down and oils up our trusty steeds."

"You'll have me carrying the bucket and wringing out the sponge," Susie smarted. "The sooner we graduate to four wheels and a car-wash, the better."

"Careful what you wish for, Jeffrey - it may come true."

"You mean about being Norwegian, and having all that oil, gas, and fish to fall back on."

"Don't be obtuse."

"There's nothing obtuse about wanting to invest in a few kroner - you'll see."

"We're not visiting the frozen fjords to spend our money - and that's final. Now stop changing the subject."

"What is the subject?"

"My seriously considering harnessing your enthusiasm for cycling and getting us a tandem."

"That's another mount I can provide you with, Susie. Granddad has a beauty, ready and waiting for a new crew."

"I'm tempted to call your bluff, Jeffrey, because if we borrow it for a trial spin, I'll be the one, up front, doing the piloting. Are you still as keen?"

"I'll take the risk, Susie, and strive to keep you in check with the drag brake."

"Don't you always, Jeffrey, but I'm ready when you are. It's always fun having a tussle with you."

"We'll have to give granddad notice, though; the bike's hanging from the roof of the barn."

"What's it doing up there?"

"He's hiding it from gran. She insisted he get rid of it, after being rear-gunner on their last outing."

"A woman after my own heart - she didn't want to play second banana."

"Gran was more than happy to go along for the ride, but not so thrilled about overexcited dogs chasing them down country lanes."

"I can fully sympathise with her, Jeffrey."

"Gran's made of stern stuff, but a run in with one particular Scottie proved the final straw."

"Terriers can be nasty beggars. Did it jump up and nip her ankles?"

"Worse than that."

"What, then?"

"Use your vivid imagination, Susie."

"Oh, it didn't shove its nose through the spokes, did it? That would put me right off my tea."

"No, it was a mischievous little fellow and a strict Calvinist. It scampered along behind, yapping 'Gerrrrofffffff! Gerrrrofffffff!', and chucked a bucket of cold water over them."

"You've done it again, Jeffrey - I'll warm you up for that!"

"Starting now, Susie. Come on, down the ramp and spin those gears if you still fancy stopping off at a chippy before we go home."

"I could eat a battered, buttered frog. I'll race you there!"

On the road again, with the wind on our port bow, we sped past the golf course and harmonized our way into town.

"Follow me, Susie," I cried, and swung off down the side street.

"You've taken a wrong turning, Jeffrey. Where are we going?"

"There." I stopped pedalling and pointed to a short row of shops. "Thank God It's Fryday's is the last one along."

"But it's only Wednesday, and I thought we were giving A Salt N Battered a try; they're Northwest Chippy of the Year."

"That's too close to home and Uncle Ted supplies them with fish - I couldn't go in there looking like this."

"Why not? You appear as boyish as you ever do."

"Because I'm lacking a pair of pants," I huffed, as we came to a halt, and I carefully dismounted.

"It's okay, you're hardly showing anything when you stand up straight. The shirt's more a mini-dress than a micro-dress."

"Exactly - people will talk."

"Only a little bit if you hold in your bum and take big strides."

"I can't open my legs; I'm constrained to walking like Denise."

"You've a number 1 on your back and you are wearing rugby boots; that may tip the scales in Jeffrey's favour."

"Not with Pinky and Perky rampant." I bent over to lock the bikes, and the shirt rode up again. "This thing has a mind of its own," I groaned, and gave a despairing tug on the hem.

"Stop playing with it - you'll only draw attention to yourself."

"I have to do something; the sea spray's shrinking it by the minute. It'll be halfway up my back by the time it dries out. I've lost my appetite for fish and chips - let's go home and have beans on toast."

"Not, after you've led me all around the houses with promises of the food of the cods. Move yourself."

"But it's so obvious I'm lacking in the shorts department. And what makes it worse, is that this is one of my recurring nightmares."

"Why didn't you say?" Susie sympathised, and put her arm around my shoulders. "I'm all ears, Jeffrey, unburden yourself."

"Okay - but no psycho-nonsense."

"Talking about it is the therapy."

"See, you've started already."

"No, I haven't. Go on - you'll feel better when you've told me."

"Well ... I've lost my key, I'm stuck out in the street, and suddenly I realise I'm trouserless."

"That's highly significant. What happens next?"

"I'm pulling down on something or other to hide my embarrassment, but, funnily enough, no one else notices my predicament."

"Your subconscious is obviously suppressing the fact you're actually wearing a dress."

"I wouldn't be so sure, Susie. Dreams often have a basis in reality, and I once spent an uncomfortable afternoon on the beach in my underpants."

"That doesn't sound very Jeffreyish."

"I was only four, and Aunt Jane made me because I didn't have a cossie. I slid down to the sea on my bottom, and then had to crawl all the way back with my shorts sagging round my knees."

"A traumatic experience at the time, but there's no need to worry now - everything is nicely tucked up. My advice is to put it all behind you and mince up to the counter without more ado."

"Wait a minute - I expected a bit more sympathy from you than that. I was so upset, when I got home, mum had to put me to bed with Billy Bunny and read me a Milly-Molly-Mandy story."

"Ah, that's even more revealing. We obviously need to discuss the influence of Milly-Molly-Mandy on your psychological development, but let's do it in the warm."

"It's not something I want to share with chip shop customers."

Susie peered through the window. "It's okay - no one's in - we'll have the place to ourselves."

"Are you sure?"

"The stage is bare. Either we're early for the teatime rush, or their act isn't up to much."

"It's only just opened, so they'll be trying hard to please. And they're displaying the sign of the silver sauce bottle; that's obviously some sort of quality award. Perhaps they earned an honourable mention as most promising newcomer."

"After our match winning performance this afternoon, Jeffrey, we deserve the tops. Let's go to A Salt N Battered."

"It's not that good. They changed their oil especially for the judges; it'll be swimming with bits by now. Uncle Ted's a connoisseur of chippies, and they're not in his top ten."

"You're fibbing again."

"Only a little - but if a man's wary of eating his own fish, there must be a reason."

"I'm not swallowing your red herrings, Jeffrey, but just to please you, I'll make do with second best. Come on, shake a leg - but discreetly."

I hesitated on the step. "We may get some funny looks, dressed like this. I hope we're not mistaken for mud wrestlers."

"Slightly smudged gamines - that's what we are, Denise."

"Aren't they especially attractive to older men? It'd be unfair to put temptation in anyone's path; I'll stay outside with the bikes."

"What about me?"

"You're the one with the shorts. Do you want to swap and see if you can keep this shirt from riding up by sheer willpower?"

"Don't exaggerate, Jeffrey - you could curtsey to the Queen without causing undue embarrassment."

"But what about my nipples - they're still fully erect - you can see them poking through."

"And you make a very fetching Miss Wet Rugby Shirt."

"Who might distract the fish fryer, and cause a hot oil accident. Then where would I be? The front page of the local paper - that's where - not a chip pan fire goes unreported. You get them, Susie - please."

"You win, Jeffrey; I'm too damp and hungry to argue any more. Watch through the window - I'm on my way." Susie pushed open the door and clattered up to the counter.

"Two jumbo cod, lightly battered, and one lot of crispy chips," I called after her.

I leant against the sandwich board and wondered what other dreams I could conjure up to distract Susie. I was exploring the possibilities of 'bird trapped in my bedroom' when she waved to me.

"Denise, Denise! Get in here - I need your help."

"You come out," I shouted back.

"I'm not falling for that." A booming voice drowned Susie's reply. "You must think I'm a proper pilchard. You come in - and you stay right there, young lady."

"I never even budged."

"Then take your hand off my comestibles - I don't want you making a sudden exit."

I cautiously put my head round the door. "What's the matter, Susie?"

"I'm having a cash flow problem, Denise. Hurry up, before I'm exiled to the salt and vinegar mines to work off our debt."

"I just knew things wouldn't go smoothly," I groaned. I took a firm grip on my shirt and skittered into the shop. "Whoops, this floor's greasy!"

"It's nothing of the sort - it's freshly waxed. Have a care with those boots on my new parquetry. I've already warned your playmate."

"Sorry," I apologised, and tiptoed up to the cloud of steam behind the counter.

"Oh, a pair of knaves," a bearded form frowned through the clearing air. "And you don't look much better endowed - moneywise. If you rapscallions are messing me about."

"We're not rapscallions," Susie protested.

"What are you, then?"

"Frisky, young fillies about town - and real thoroughbreds."

"My glasses must have misted up worse than I thought. Explain your manifestly wanton apparel."

"We're fresh from the playing fields of Heighton - a top class establishment for upping your social status, but the grub's lousy. Treat us right, and we could steer a lot of snooty business your way."

"I'm not interested in weird women's promises. Let's see some ready cash. I fried these to your special request. They're a cornucopia of golden delight with not a soggy chip amongst them."

"And we really appreciate it," I smiled. "We've had a little misunderstanding, that's all. Why didn't you say you had no money, Susie?"

"It slipped my mind, Denise. I don't go shopping in rugby kit every day. My purse is in my other shorts."

"But you're wearing your other shorts."

"So I am. It must be my other purse I'm missing."

"Cease your foolish talk and jesting," the man glowered, banging his fist on the counter. "There are 10.97 of the finest here."

"Take it out of that, then, and we'll be all square."

"Tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing," he thundered, with a theatrical sweep of his arm. "Pay up - and be pretty damn quick about it."

"Calm down," Susie cooed. "Don't make a crisis out of a drama. Show some quality of mercy."

"You've two minutes grace before I'm on the hotline to the community support officer. She's a regular for my Cumberland sausage in Daddies Sauce."

"Don't threaten us, or we'll report your beard to environmental health," Susie warned. "It's shedding hairs into the mushy peas."

"He that hath no beard is less than a man. And twice so with me, because it's a necessity for my professional success."

"It can't be - it's a fire hazard."

"I'm beset by harpies, and they've exhausted my patience with their bibble-babble. Where's that radio?"

"No, don't," I pleaded, "we're sorry for the crosstalk, honest. And Susie's only joking about your beard. It's a fine specimen of tonsorial art - you could catch moths in it."

"That's right - you could trap a bat in there. It's a truly magnificent adornment."

"I won't be paid in flattery, young lady."

"Then run a comb through your whiskers, while we come up with a way to settle the bill."

"It's too late - you're out of time." Blackbeard bent down and fumbled under the counter. "You'll pay the penalty for your folly."

"Hold hard, Mr Fryday - Denise carries all sorts of stuff in her toolkit for just such emergencies; she never ventures out less than fully equipped."

The man indignantly raised his head. "Mr Joseph Friday was the previous owner. I am Mr Craig," he announced. "Mr Thurlow Craig - and I'm not to be mocked."

"I bet Thurlow Craig isn't your real name," Susie grinned.

"It is now," he declared. "And I've the cufflinks to prove it."

"Was it a toss-up between that and Thornton Cleveleys?"

"No - and will you please desist."

"Did you consider Dutton Forshaw or Vosper Thornycroft - or were you constrained by the cufflinks?"

Mr Craig's snort ruffled his beard, and he turned to me. "You seem a sensible girl; I wouldn't want you to suffer because of the company you keep. Pay up before your friend gets you both into trouble."

"How much did you say it is, sir?"

"10.97, and you're not leaving until I get it."

"10.97, that's a dear do," I blinked. "What's in there, Susie - golden nuggets?"

"Exactly what she ordered," Mr Craig glared. "Jumbo cod is expensive; it's an endangered species."

"What did I tell you about your craving for the exotic, Denise. I'll feel really guilty eating it now. We should have gone to the Chinese takeaway and had a giant, giant panda burger."

"Give over, Susie, the gentleman could make things awkward for us if we don't hurry up and find the wherewithal."

"I'm well aware he's waiting with battered breath for his pounds of fish, Denise, but how are we going to oblige?"

"Come over here." I shuffled off to the far corner.

"Don't try sneaking out," Mr Craig warned. "There's no escape - you're both on camera, and it's recording every move you make."

"Stand in front of me, Susie."

"Have you some hidden reserves you've been keeping to yourself?"

"I never ever leave home without my emergency money."

"I didn't see it flutter away when everything came adrift - where is it?"

"Downstairs."

"It's not ..."

"In my underpants."

"Knickers, Denise."

"Whatever - I had more than one reason for doubling up. The only thing is, the notes may be slightly moist."

"You haven't ..."

"They're at the back and had a close encounter with a puddle."

"Quit stalling or I start dialling."

"Hang on, Thurlow, I'm checking Denise's balance before I make a withdrawal; she might need to stand on one leg."

"Go on, Susie, casually ease your hand in," I whispered.

"How much longer will you abuse my patience?" Mr Craig demanded.

"We won't be a minute," I promised. "It's only a slight technical hitch."

"Is there no end to your obfuscation - what's going on over there?"

"If you must know, Denise is wearing a money belt under here."

"I can't see a bulge. Who are you trying to fool?"

"Nobody - it's a deluxe model that moulds itself to the body. It's super secure, and I'm having trouble gaining entry."

"Ooooohhhh!"

"Hold still, Denise."

"Aaaaaaahhh!"

"Unclench your bum."

"Oooooooooeeeeerrr!"

"Stop writhing and behave yourself."

"You're pulling my shirt up and my undies down."

"They've stuck together - I can't get between them. I'll try working my way in from below."

"Oooooohhhhhh!"

"Open sesame!"

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!"

"Bish bash bosh!"

"Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Don't arch your back."

"Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Hocus-pocus, fishbones chokus!"

"Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Fee faw fum - that's got it!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Pay presto!" Susie triumphantly waved a twenty-pound note in the air. "I thought it was never coming, Denise. You had it squirreled away as safe as the Bank of England."

"Maybe, but I won't be hiding it in there again," I gasped. "I'm transferring my money to an easy access account."

Susie smacked me on the bottom. "Pull up your trolleys, Denise, we don't want the rest falling out."

"Come on, give that here, and let's be shut of you."

"I think we should call it an even tenner after the aspersions you've cast in our direction," Susie smiled, handing over the money.

"Hey, this is wet." The chippy man gave the note a vigorous rub on his apron. "And the ink's coming off. What's your game - have you just printed it?"

"It's the real thing, but slightly tarnished. We had to play in cheapskate kit, and the dye from my shirt's run a bit. See it's the same colour." I turned around and thrust out my bottom. "Look - my panties are stained as well."

"Don't be such an exhibitionist, Denise; you're embarrassing the gentleman."

"Sorry, Susie, I panicked for a moment when my credentials were questioned. You know how sensitive I am about that."

"No need to apologise, sweetie." Mr Craig rubbed his eyes and squinted hard at the note. "It's cleaned up nicely - but why does it smell of fish?"

"Don't blame me for that," I spluttered. "It's your fingers - they've been knuckle deep in cod."

"And you're adding insult to injury, refusing our money," Susie huffed. "Give it back if you don't want it, and we'll go for a Big Mac."

"Wait." He held up the note to the light before giving it another deep sniff. "I suppose it's alright, and there is an attractive lingering fragrance. You haven't the 97 pence up there as well, have you, my dear?"

"Certainly not," I pouted.

"Ah well, I'm in a good mood today, and since you made the gift rich by delaying," he chuckled, "I'll cheerfully bear the loss."

He gave Susie ten pounds from the till and carefully tucked my note into his back pocket.

"Denise will autograph it for you if you like."

"Would you, darling?"

"No, I wouldn't. It's tacky enough, you saving it. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"O! What a noble mind is here o'erthrown," he sighed, clasping his forehead. "And I'll be subject to even further torment after closing, because you were bang in line with my security camera when you favoured me your speciality act."

"Our what!"

"Your exotic entwining - it was so good you should think of turning professional. You certainly know how to tease."

"Aw," I blushed. "Why didn't you say something, Susie?"

"I did, Denise, but you were oblivious to your audience."

"The sign of a true artiste, and no doubt the lens will love you just as much."

"You'd better wipe it off," I warned. "My mum's a magistrate."

"Now, now, my dear, lies don't become you. But rest assured, I'll keep it for private viewing only - unless you want a copy for an audition tape."

"No thanks - we're going, and we're not coming back. Pick up our order, Susie."

"Don't be so hasty - it would be a shame if such talent went to waste. You're natural performers, girls. I know about these matters. I'm a thespian myself - if you hadn't already guessed."

"You haven't been much of a luvvie to us," I frowned.

"What are you appearing in at the moment - Waiting for Codot?"

"I'm temporarily resting between engagements before new glories beckon, Miss Smartypants. Some work of noble note may yet be done - the pantomime season is almost upon us."

"Isn't that a tiny bit vulgar for a man of your classical bent?" Susie queried.

"I can turn my elbow to almost anything, dearie. I'm no snob, and I take pride in possessing an extensive range, although I am renowned as a Pinter specialist."

"You could have fooled us."

"You're not the first I've surprised with my versatility. My starring role in the Pilling Players Birthday Party earned rave reviews in the parish magazine and a footnote in the Gazette. What do you think of that?"

"I'm saying nothing. Is that what you did?"

"There's no need to be rude. Hasn't my sensitive, artistic soul suffered enough of your slings and arrows?"

"Susie only means there must be an excess of words for you in panto."

"True, there isn't the opportunity to deploy my full repertoire of pauses, beats, and silences, but even so my Captain Hook is little short of dazzling."

"I can well imagine."

"Here, I'll give you a taster." He grabbed a spatula and pulled down his sleeve.

"Aren't you getting confused with Long John Silver?" I hazarded.

"Aaaaah, Jim lad, yer smart as paint," he roared. "But it is pantomime, and the kids expect the parrot and the crocodile. You can't beat a good double act."

"We have to agree with you there, don't we, Denise?"

"In more ways than one, Susie."

"Are you interested, then? I have friends in management; they could help you with Equity cards. Would you like me to arrange an introduction?"

"Definitely not - I wish you'd let the matter drop. If mum hears about this, she'll never let me out of the house again."

"There's no need to get upset. You remind me of the two girls who appeared as Peter Pan and Wendy," he mused. "Lovely, innocent creatures."

"Thank you, and we accept your apology. A pair of demure, Edwardian misses; that's more how we see ourselves, isn't it, Denise?"

"I think you may be letting your imagination run away with you, Susie."

"No, she's right. You remind me of Sharon and Tracy - wonderfully erotic, but tasteful. They slipped in a little extra business every night. I don't know what the kids made of it, but the dads kept coming back for more."

"This is fascinating stuff, isn't it, Denise? I could listen all night to Thurlow's theatrical anecdotes."

"Me too, Susie, but we have to go. Our chips are getting cold, and it honours the chef to eat them at their best, after the trouble he's taken."

"Okay, Denise, we'll bid adieu." Susie bowed to Mr Craig. "We wish you a fond farewell, sir, and take our leave of you."

"The revels are over - be gone, fair maids. You know where I am if you decide to pursue your terpsichorean careers and require an agent."

"We'll give it careful consideration, won't we, Denise?"

"No, Susie - we're getting ourselves to a nunnery."

"More's the pity - you could make some dirty old men awfully happy."

"You should see us when we're really trying. Good-bye, Thurlow."

"Oh, shame! Where is thy blush?" I took Susie's arm, and propelled her headlong out of the shop.

"Funny the effect money has on people," Susie laughed, when we were back in the saddle.

"The less said about that, the better."

"It's a good job Mr Strange and Weird didn't know you're wearing two pairs of knickers; he might have wanted one for himself."

"They wouldn't have fitted, Susie."

"Don't be naive, Denise."

"I'm not - and I'm keeping my emergency money under my hat in future."

"You don't wear one."

"I'll stuff it down my sock, then; I'm not risking a repeat of that performance."

"I thought we improvised rather well. Perhaps we could work up a comedy magic act for the school concert. Glass, bottle - bottle, glass - just like that!"

"You'd soon get bored; it takes hours of practice."

"Not for it to really go wrong. And our first effort has already been appreciated by a fellow artiste."

"About that, Susie - how many security cameras do you think we've been on?"

"Hundreds and hundreds, Jeffrey - we're probably on one right now."

"Then we should definitely wear baseball caps in future."

"It's an unnecessary precaution; nobody will recognise us. You've seen the pictures in the papers - they're always a blur. We'll appear totally pixelated."

"I shouldn't be at all surprised."

"You're leading me astray again, Jeffrey; this isn't the way home."

"I thought we'd eat our tea at the container terminal. They'll have cooled nicely by then, and we'll get our full money's worth."

"How's that, Jeffrey?"

"It'll be romantic sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the autumn sun set on the Lakeland hills, while we feed each other chips."

"After adding more miles to our journey."

"It's not far, Susie, and the ferry's just sounded off."

"So?"

"We'll have the added attraction of seeing a big ship manoeuvre its way up the channel."

"Absolutely fascinating, Jeffrey - your understanding of what a woman wants is truly amazing."

"It's what I want - holding hands with you is beautiful, Susie."

"Oh, Jeffrey, you sentimental fool."

"And there's always the chance the ship might run aground or capsize a jet skier."

"What are we waiting for? Last one there does the washing up!"

"There was nothing wrong with his batter, Susie."

"All in all, a very nice piece of cod, Jeffrey, and the chips weren't bad, either. Now a leisurely ride home will round off a perfect day."

"Not so leisurely, we have to get there before six; I don't want mum to catch me with my pants down."

"Okay, one last supreme effort, and then I'm looking forward to having a quiet night in with my feet up."

"Words I thought I'd never hear you say, Susie."

"I'd even consider a lazy day around the house tomorrow."

"My cunning plan to siphon off your excess energy is working."

"Or perhaps not - after all, Thursday is the new Friday, and we don't want to waste the weekend."

"Have you anything special in mind?"

"Not at the moment - I'm open to suggestions."

"Granddad finds sheepdog trials are very relaxing, and you meet a nice class of person."

"Would that be after a nice long bike ride?"

"It was just a thought - you did ask. And there's always the dry-stone walling competition for that extra, cliff-hanging excitement."

"I've got the message, Jeffrey, but I feel sure something more diverting is awaiting us around the next bend."

"I have a sneaking suspicion you may very well be right, Susie."

 

Chapter 96

"Home again, Jeffrey!" Susie cheered, as we entered the final straight. "And there's no car in the drive - we've beaten your mother to it."

"With time and legs to spare, Susie - you're still spinning like a top."

"I'm feeling pretty chipper all round. We'll get scrubbed and polished, put the kettle on, and greet your mum as if we've never been gone. Does that meet with your approval?"

"Not quite - now I've thought about it, I realise this is too good an opportunity to miss, so I'll be limiting myself to a new pair of shorts."

"What are you plotting, Jeffrey?"

"Nothing much, Susie. I just want mum to be aware of my sporting success. She's always happy to catch a glimpse of dad in me; sometimes it brings a tear to her eye."

"You don't want to upset her, Jeffrey."

"I won't. Mum loves to talk about dad and fuss over me. I'll very likely get breakfast in bed in the morning."

"You really are a manipulative little beggar."

"You should know."

"Only slightly, and in a nice way."

"Same here," I smiled. We got off our bikes, and I bumped open the front gate. "I'll have a slide on the lawn and dirty the shorts with a few grass stains. That should convince mum I've been in the thick of it."

"You'll need a gloriously muddy pair to fit in with my blow-by-blow account of your heroics," Susie grinned.

"With certain judicious omissions," I cautioned, as we went through into the back garden.

"You can rely on me, Jeffrey. I'm well practiced in the telling of half-truths. I've spun dad more fairytales than the brothers Grimm."

"Don't go overboard, Susie, but be sure to emphasise the electric pace and deceptive body swerve I've inherited from dad."

"And you mention my assists, plus my phenomenal kicking ability. And how with the outcome of the match resting on my shoulders, I coolly converted the winning points. Wait until ..."

"Hold it, Susie!" I hissed. We were halfway down the path when a bicycle bell tinkled up ahead.

"... dad hears ..."

"Shush!" I shot a glance at the bottom of the garden and jammed on the brakes.

"What's the matter?"

"The shed door's open - someone's broken in." I clutched Susie by the arm. "Don't move - we've got a burglar!"

"Who's bypassed the house and gone straight for your valuable collection of junk," she scoffed. "You forgot to lock it, that's all."

"No, I didn't. A thief's raiding my den - he's after my bikes. Or even worse - my irreplaceable antique sideboard."

"It's an old bench, Jeffrey."

"It's a quality piece of furniture, but mum wouldn't have it in house because it reminded her of a coffin. The mahogany top alone is worth a fortune. That sideboard's at least Victorian - it could even be a genuine Chippendale."

"Or a lost Stradivarius - talk about my vivid imagination."

"Oh, now he's going through my drawers. Listen ..."

Susie lent an ear. "You're right, Jeffrey - we're not alone. There is something nasty in your woodpile. But it sounds to me more like an animal scuffling about."

"No - it's a human intruder, and he's searching the place for power tools."

"I heard a definite snorting and grunting, Jeffrey. If you ask me, a Mr Brock, the badger, has decided to take up residence."

"A badger - what on earth put that idea in your head?"

"It's nearly dusk so they'll be out of their setts, rooting around."

"Not in the middle of a seaside town, Susie."

"It's a modern phenomenon, Jeffrey - urban wild life. There are foxes everywhere, and squirrels, and hedgehogs."

"But badgers are shy, retiring, woodland creatures, not sandgrown uns."

"It might be someone's pet."

"You can't be serious, Susie - no one keeps badgers. They're dangerous, they stink, and it's probably against the law."

"The facts are on my side, Jeffrey. Last week, they found a dormouse snoozing on a farm in Preesall."

"What's that got to do with it?"

"It's suspected of hitching a ride in a delivery lorry, so maybe that's how your badger arrived here."

"Will you give over! It's not my badger - this is definitely a two-legged animal. The infamous shed vandal, who pillaged the allotments, has struck again."

"Pillaged, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, Susie, pillaged and laid waste. We'll have to be extra careful - you never know what he'll get up to next. He could wreak havoc if he lays his hands on the sledgehammer."

"Calm down, Jeffrey, you can rest easy in your shed. If it's not a badger, it's most likely your uninvited guest is the Godzilla that's on the loose."

"The what?"

"The monster lizard from the front page of last week's paper. There was an exclusive picture of the anguished owner pointing at its empty cage. You must have seen it."

"You're entering the realms of fantasy again, Susie - escaped lizards can't open locked doors."

"This one can. It has dinky little arms like a tyrannosaurus and is highly intelligent. It does all sorts of tricks when it's not running amok. Didn't you read the story?"

"Yes, but I kept quiet about it. I was scared you might want to try for the reward."

"Check your garages and outbuildings, but don't approach, it warned. Gargantua's a one-man reptile that could turn nasty if cornered. Go and have a look, Jeffrey."

"It bit the owner's wife, didn't it, Susie?"

"They're jealous creatures, and she trod on its foot."

"I wouldn't be surprised if she left the cage open on purpose."

"Yours not to reason why, Saint George, but to advance into the valley of Gwangi."

"I'll have a peek through the door from a safe distance." I laid down my bike and tiptoed along the hedge. "Get ready to run," I warned. "I can smell a subtle animal odour."

"Watch out for the whiplash tail - it's as deadly as a swan's wing."

"How big is the beast?"

"Skippy's as tall as a man when he rears up on his hind legs, and he boxes like a kangaroo. Be prepared to duck and dive and bob and weave."

I came to an abrupt halt. "Now, you're just being silly, Susie ... aren't you?"

"No way, Jeffrey. Didn't you tell me your granddad takes a fighting kangaroo-lizard with him on his tandem to round up the sheep - or were you pulling the wool over my eyes?"

"This is no time for romancing and points scoring, Susie," I spluttered. "We have to take preventative action. I'm in danger of being fleeced by a maniac who has a record of mindless shed mayhem."

"Keep your shirt on, Jeffrey. Honour is satisfied - now that I've led you up the garden path, I'll lead you down it, and we'll confront whatever awaits us together." Susie crept forward and sniffed the air. "I've picked up the scent too, and it's not subtle - it's craptatious."

"Craptatious?"

"Shitty - and it's accompanied by a low, animal humming noise."

"That's singing, Susie."

"And it's homo criminalis warbling away - not a kangarooasaurus."

"Forget them both, Jeffrey. This time I really do know what it is - there's a tramp squatting in your shed."

"Oh, I hope not! It's my little palace; you could eat off the sideboard. What am I going to do, Susie?"

"Stock up on the Harpic and rubber gloves, Jeffrey. You've acquired a sitting tenant, a neighbour from hell, and it'll be impossible to get rid of him. It's an estate agent's worst nightmare - just ask dad."

"Should we phone the police, Susie, or will they consider it a nuisance call?"

"You'll have no joy there, Jeffrey; they don't even come out for real burglars. Anyway, the law's on his side; he'll have acquired squatter's rights by now."

"He can't have; it's only been a couple of hours at most. He's broken the lock to get in, and he's trespassing on private property - it must be illegal."

"In that case, I think you're entitled to use reasonable force and act like a bouncer throwing an obstreperous gatecrasher out of a nightclub."

"Will your dad be home, Susie?"

"Sorry, Jeffrey, dad would jump at the chance to frogmarch the bugger away, but mum would never allow it. She's red-hot on dad's health and safety."

"My mum will blame me for this," I moaned. "She's never been happy with my shed and all it stands for. Mum doesn't want me going into scrap metal."

"I wouldn't have thought there was much chance of that, Jeffrey."

"It's always nice to have another iron in the fire, Susie, and recycling is the coming thing. You can't get much greener than reincannation."

"You're enough to make the Dalai Lama swear, Jeffrey."

"That's what mum will be doing if she comes home to find I've gone into the dosshouse business. The sausages will be flying."

"You can console her with the thought that letting your shed to a poor unfortunate is eco-friendly."

"Mum has her limits, Susie. We have to get rid of him - and quick. If we can't borrow your dad, I wonder whether the woman down the road will lend us her giant poodle."

"I doubt it, Jeffrey; it's already on two love bites. One more and they'll be wokking the dog, not walking it."

"Well, what do you suggest, then? You're not usually short of ideas."

"Maybe your mother won't be that put out by her new neighbour. A tramp living at the bottom of your garden is quite a status symbol in some circles."

"Not mum's - she isn't a millionaire socialist," I groaned. "Think of something before the beggar finds the bottle of meths and makes himself comfortable for the night."

Susie sniffed the air again. "I'm having a Proustian moment now, Jeffrey, and it's not WD-40, but a sourly familiar smell."

"Too familiar, Susie, I know exactly what you mean. We're out of the frying pan and into the mire," I cried, as our visitor changed his tune.

"It's the dynamite man from the Scronkey cesspit. Hold on to your non-existent hat, Jeffrey."

"This is worse than a tramp with two pet skunks, Susie." I ran up to the shed and put my head around the door. "Come out, Mr Crockett-Longbottom!"

"Hello, Jeffrey, short time, no see." A grinning, tousled figure sprang from the shadowy depths. "Barking badgers! What have you been up to?"

"I'm asking the questions." I pushed Ernie back into the shed. "Get out of sight."

"You're confusing me, Jeffrey; I don't know whether I'm coming or going."

"You're going, and you'll have to be quick about it, mum's on her way."

"Great!" Ernie beamed. "I can thank her for the shirt she sent me at Christmas."

"No, you can't. Mum's a bit sensitive about the company I keep at the moment. She'd have kittens if I were questioned by the police."

"Why would they do that?"

"Because I'm harbouring you in my shed, and you're dishevelled. Are you on the run?"

"Not from the law - you've no need to worry." Ernie poked his head out of the door and gawped at our appearance. "You're quite a sight yourself, Jeffrey - and you, Susie."

"We've been rugbying for the school."

"Scrumming down with the girls, eh, Jeffrey," Ernie winked. "And it looks like they ran off with a trophy, or did someone eat your shorts?"

"The match report can wait," I huffed. "What's going on?"

"It's a long story; I don't know how to start."

"Just tell me why you're here, and not somewhere else."

"Well ... no ... it's ..."

Ernie furrowed his brow, and we waited patiently, but the only sound to be heard was the wind rustling in the treetops.

"Say something, it's nearly six - mum will be home any minute."

Ernie raised his eyes to the heavens, and as the sun sank slowly in the west, inspiration finally dawned. "Kelly kicked me out - that's right, isn't it?"

"You don't seem very sure."

"I'm addled, Jeffrey."

"That I can believe."

"I'm stone cold sober," he protested. "Kelly's dumped me, and I've the broken heart to prove it. It's enough to drive a man to drink, but it hasn't - not yet, anyway."

"Can you get some sense out of him before mum comes, Susie?"

"Leave it to me, Jeffrey." she nodded across at Ernie. "You'll feel better when you've confessed all."

"Well ... er ... it's a bit personal - that's why I didn't like to say."

"Don't worry, you can have complete confidence in my discretion. I'm a professional, and marriage guidance is right up my street, isn't it, Jeffrey?"

"It's been more sort of matchmaking, Susie."

"Same difference. First, I need some background, Ernie. Let's begin at the beginning - where did you meet Kelly?"

"In the pub."

"And where did you propose?"

"In the pub - I asked her to carry me, and she misheard."

"Okay, I've got the picture. We haven't much time, so we'd better get straight down to the nitty-gritty. What brought on this crisis?"

"Right out of the blue, she said 'You're gonna change, or I'm gonna leave'. I was gobsmacked - I've already changed my name for her. What more can a man do?"

"She obviously meant your ways - or possibly your clothes. You must have stunk a bit after being showered in pig shit."

"More than a bit - I think the pong is still hovering over me."

"Not so you'd notice. It's nothing to be self-conscious about, is it, Jeffrey?"

"He just smells a little rural. It's quite invigorating when you get used to it. You'll still be welcome at the Toad and Bucket, Ernie. Wouldn't you be happier drowning your sorrows there?"

"Not at the moment."

"You'll feel different when everything's a blur."

"Don't be so insensitive, Jeffrey - let Ernie finish his tale of domestic discord. Go on, Ernie."

"Where was I?"

"Stinking. What happened next - did you leave a ring around the bath tub?"

"Yes, and not only that - Kelly didn't take it kindly when I put my Davy Crockett hat in the dish washer."

"Oh, Ernie!"

"I had to. It suffered a direct hit, and they're only available on special import. I'll have nothing to polish my boots with now," he moaned. "I wish I'd never taken the job; it was jinxed from the start."

"You overcame difficulties that would have defeated a lesser man," I reminded him. "Slightly miscalculating the force of the explosion doesn't lessen your achievement. And the farmer must be pleased with the free slurry spreading you provided as a bonus."

"Sort of, but he's insisting on paying me in kind."

"What sort of kind?"

"Horse manure - he says there's a ready market for it. I've been offered a permanent invitation to muck out his stables."

"Take him up on his offer - it'll give you a steady income. It doesn't smell as bad as rotten fish, and you had no trouble disposing of that."

"I've had enough of dirty work. I'd go back to window cleaning, but Kelly sold my ladders - and she never even asked."

"She did you a favour, Ernie - heights have a tendency to make you light-fingered."

"We're getting away from the point, Jeffrey, and the clock's ticking."

"Sorry, Susie, I lack your forensic, inquisitorial skills."

"Carry on, Ernie, apart from the smell, what else is troubling Kelly?"

"Well, let's see ... Ah, yes, my sweet little hairshirt is still mad at me for investing her bingo winnings in National Savings."

"Hand over the bank book - all is not lost."

"Yes it is - the nag came in sixth. I explained to Kelly I need to make one small bet every day, otherwise I could be walking around lucky and never know it. But her woman's brain failed to grasp my logic," he sighed.

"Ah, I think we're getting to the root of Ernie's problem, Jeffrey."

"It's Gambler's Anonymous he needs, not Relate, Susie. He'll never learn."

I've learnt a lot about horses and dogs," Ernie smiled ruefully. I've been kicked by one and bitten by the other."

"Cheer up, it can't be that serious; it'll soon blow over."

"I'll keep buggering on the best I can, but I'll never forget Kelly's parting words - I had to force down a medicinal brandy."

"They struck home, did they?"

"I was cut to the quick, Susie. It was the end of my world - worse than when my favourite ferret ran away."

"What did she say?"

"Kiss the cat's arse."

"Well, it'll stop you licking your split lip," I observed.

"Sorry, it's just a nervous habit I've picked up. I'm really on edge."

"Did Kelly give you that?"

"No, I had a slight disagreement ... with your shed door, Jeffrey."

"It's a sign, Ernie - you don't want to hang around here. Kelly will probably be ready to take you back by now."

"Birds might fly. Kelly means it this time; she destroyed my most treasured possession."

"What's that?"

"The digibox - she took a hammer to it in the middle of the three-thirty."

"She's really hit him where it hurts, Susie."

"No woman, no Sky. You must be totally bereft, Ernie."

"I'm so upset I haven't touched a drop, and I still don't know which way to turn. Let me stay, Jeffrey - I'm banjaxed."

"I can see that, but something doesn't quite ring true, Ernie - this is all too sudden. You were as happy as Larry about being a married man on Monday."

"Kelly's become very temperamental lately. I think it's post-natal depression. The other day I only asked how long dinner would be ..."

"You were treading on dangerous ground there, even dad knows better than that."

"Well, I've learned my lesson, because she flew off the handle, and screamed 'I'm not your skivvy', plus a few other choice words."

"I hope you managed a mature response, Ernie."

"I made do with a jam butty, Susie, but things have gone from bad to worse, and here I am."

"Well, you shouldn't be," I glared. "Spending the night in my shed won't help - unless you're in some other kind of trouble."

"Honest, Jeffrey, I'm temporarily inconvenienced, that's all. It's nothing serious - let me stay."

"If mum finds out ..."

"She won't, and you won't lose by it." With a flourish, Ernie extracted a fifty-pound note from a bulging wallet. "Here, I bet you've never seen one of these before." He waved the money in the air before thrusting it into my hand. "Take this for your expenses, and buy yourself a proper lock."

"Where did you get this? I thought you'd lost all your assets on the horses."

"Even a blind squirrel unearths an acorn now and again," Ernie smirked.

"You mean it fortuitously came into your possession."

"If you say so - and there's plenty more where that came from."

"I hope you haven't been stealing by finding again."

"It's totally legit. I'm just showing off," Ernie grinned sheepishly. "You know what I'm like."

"And when did you have this amazing piece of luck?"

"Er, let me see - it must have been yesterday if I can't remember."

"You're dissembling, Ernie."

"I don't mean to, Jeffrey - whatever it is. But I am befogged and ever so slightly befuddled. My mind's going in circles, wondering how to win my beloved back."

"Send her a boomerang covered in roses."

"Susie's right - you should spend your money on Kelly. Here ... " I held out the fifty. "I don't want this - it's too much for a lock, anyway."

"No, keep it - there's your taxi tomorrow."

"Taxi?"

"Yes, better safe than sorry - get a taxi right up to the door when you go for the case."

"What case, whose door, and who'll be sorry?"

"No one. I was just hoping you'd pick up some fresh clothes and stuff from home for me, so I can make myself respectable before I move on."

"Why can't you do it?"

"The missus's mother will be baby-sitting, and I don't want another row. There was enough said at our Angie's wedding."

"I'm sorry, Ernie, but this doesn't sound like you at all. What are you holding back?"

"Nothing, Jeffrey, I've exposed my soul to you."

"What do you think, Susie?"

"We shouldn't insult Ernie by refusing to share his good fortune, Jeffrey. Let's sleep on it."

"You just want a partner for our fifty, Susie."

"You weren't reluctant to accept that."

"I had it forced upon me, and you know what trouble it led to. We should be wary of men who are too free with their fifties."

"It's an hour's round trip at most, Jeffrey. The worst that can happen is you have to charm my mother-in-law. Please, you'll be doing me a big favour."

"Well ..."

"Say yes."

"I'd like to help, but ..." We were interrupted by the front gates clanging, which started the alarm bells ringing. "Mum's home - we'll have to go. You stay undercover, Ernie, and we'll talk about it later. Come on, Susie, get the bikes into the shed."

"Can't you leave them outside? I'll be squashed in there; I'll have to lie down standing up."

"Sleep in the saddle - you always wanted to be a cowboy."

"But my bum's still sore from where the tree landed on it."

I ignored his protests and herded him in with the front wheel. "Move it, or mum will wonder what's going on."

Ernie backed away and gingerly settled on the bench. "Can you get us something to eat, Jeffrey? I've only had a bag of crisps all day. Beans on toast will do - it's Kelly's speciality. I like the beans with the little sausages in if you've got them."

"You're out of luck - we're vegans."

"How about duck egg, bacon, and black pudding salad, then? I'm not fussy about the greens as long as I finish with a custard."

"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake."

"I'd settle for a dip butty and ..."

"I'll see what I can do." I slammed the door on his order, and strode away up the path to the kitchen.

"I can see your knickers, Jeffrey - compose yourself, or you'll make your mother curious."

"Mum will be more than curious when she catches me shortless," I wailed. "It's a good job I've dried out up top, Susie, or I'd be in real trouble."

"Your mother will have nothing but admiration for you when she hears of your derring-do on the rugby field."

"Not if she finds out I've been riding around town flashing my undies and nipples."

"It's your own fault; we could have held hands on the sofa. We went ship-spotting against my better judgement."

"I'd have had plenty of time to make myself presentable, but for Ernie spinning us his tall tales. We were fools to listen."

"I wasn't taken in for a moment, Jeffrey. He was telling lies by the jugful; I didn't believe a word he said from the very first."

"You were right not to, Susie; things aren't all they seem. Fifty-pound notes don't just drop out of the sky. There's more to this than meets the eye - Ernie's ears were twitching."

"And sweat was bedewing his forehead."

"I don't possess your psychological insight, Susie, but I'd say he's got the wind up."

"Vertically, Jeffrey. There's something afoot and a half."

We arrived at the back door, and I took a calming breath. "Whatever you say, Susie, not a word about Ernie to mum - not even the slightest hint."

"As always, Jeffrey, my lips are sealed."

 

Chapter 97

"Hi, mum, don't make anything for us. We've had our tea."

"Hello, Mrs Smith, guess what we've been up to."

"Not now, Susie." I hung on to my shirt and shuffled across the kitchen. "Save it for later - we don't want to dirty the floor. Mum's enough work to do."

"Jeffrey!"

"What, mum?"

"You're covered in mud."

"Only a little bit - and it's the clean sort. All I need is a quick shower."

"And you're wearing football boots."

"Just like dad - I laced them up exactly as he showed me."

"Come here, Jeffrey," mum ordered, before I could escape through the door. "You're hiding something; I can always tell."

I slunk back into the room. "I haven't been up a ladder, honest, mum - and I didn't get my feet wet."

"What have you been doing - rolling in the muck heap? Is that why you didn't answer the phone?"

"I'm sorry, mum, we had a last minute change of plans. We were called away at short notice to serve the school in its hour of need."

"And duty done, we return triumphant," Susie beamed, "the magnificent two, muddied but unbowed. You should have seen Jeffrey flying down the wing."

An anxious look crossed mum's face. "What have you been playing at, Jeffrey - you haven't taken up ladies' football, have you?"

"No, gentlemen's rugby with the toffs of Heighton. It's a keenly contested local derby and a real test of character. I had to give it my all on a cow patch of a pitch, so I'm slightly bedraggled."

"Oh, Jeffrey, that's how your dad spoilt his lovely nose. Whatever possessed you?"

"I'd no choice. Mr Carey came round, uninvited, looking for emergency replacements for the fever victims. He knew I shared dad's phenomenal turn of speed, and he wouldn't leave until he'd conscripted me."

"What was the man thinking?, I hope he didn't make you head the ball; that can't be good for you."

"It was rugby, mum, and I'm unscathed."

"Here, let me see." Mum wiped away a splash of mud. "There that's better. I hope this isn't another new hobby, Jeffrey - people have their ears torn off playing rugby."

"Don't get upset, mum - I won't be doing it again. But it's an honour to have been first choice against Heighton's finest. It'll help fill out my CV - it's a bit lacking on the sporting side."

Mum checked under my hair. "Well, as long as they didn't hurt you - and you, Susie."

"It wasn't for want of trying, Mrs Smith, but we're both okay. We needed to be pretty nifty on our feet, though. We had some big hairy brutes to contend with, and they were out for our blood - amongst other things."

"Oh, Susie!"

"Hulking, overage gorillas, who took great delight in trampling on us, but we were undismayed and bounced straight back up. Our noses are still in the pink, but our bottoms are black and blue."

"Oh, Jeffrey! I knew you were walking funny," Mum cried, and clasped me in her arms. "I'm going to ring the school and insist you only play badminton in future."

"You don't have to, mum. Mr Carey was so pleased with my efforts that I'm excused pumps and boots from now on."

Mum put her hands on my shoulders. "Are you sure, Jeffrey? You always claimed he was a ruthless taskmaster when you had me writing your sprained ankle notes."

"He's mellowed since he met Miss Hearnshaw - she's the new sports mistress."

"And with a little help from their friends, they'll soon be sharing a whistle and honeymooning in Sparta," Susie chuckled.

"But in the meantime, Mr Carey made a special point of personally congratulating me. I scored two tries while scientifically defending our line against all comers. My tactics were a revelation to him."

"It sounds like you were man of the match, Jeffrey."

"There might be some dispute about that - Susie kicked the winning points."

"And a drop goal. And I gave daring support to Jeffrey, when I wasn't busy executing numerous saving tackles. Not to mention the dispensing of emergency first aid - our bottoms didn't go unavenged - we gave as good as we got."

"I think you'd better tell me all, Susie."

"Well, Mrs Smith, there was a breathless hush in the close ...
...
...
...
...

... and we played up and won the game."

"Astonishing, Susie."

"Dad will vouch for every other word."

"Anything to add, Jeffrey?"

"I get to keep the shirt as a souvenir of my sporting prowess. It's not as good as one of dad's cups, but it's the official school issue."

"And it won't need polishing," mum smiled.

"But I do. I'll have a shower, and then we can go over the game on the kitchen table."

"I'll have to keep an even closer eye on you in future, Jeffrey. From short skirts to muddy shirts is extremely confusing. I shudder to think what you might do next."

"I've been a victim of unusual sartorial circumstances, that's all, mum."

"Not quite, Jeffrey - there's more to it than that. Are there any other new developments I should know about?"

"Susie wanted to practice her make-up skills on me, so I had a bit of fun trying on your pink satin dress if you're wondering why it's creased."

"It was a tight fit even for Jeffrey, Mrs Smith - you must be really looking after your figure."

"Thank you, Susie. And how did it go with the blonde Marilyn wig and high heels?"

"Very nicely - Denise looked all girl, and she's got the wiggle off to an 'S'."

"But don't worry, mum, even if I'm offered a movie contract, I still intend to devote my life to science and the good of mankind."

"After being crowned Miss Natural Northwest," Susie grinned.

"You haven't entered, have you, Jeffrey?"

"Susie's only joking, mum."

"It's okay, Mrs Smith - it's just a game we play with each other. Such frivolities are against our feminist principles."

"I wish I could be sure, Susie."

"You can, mum. We're keeping our heads down and wigs off from now on, and concentrating on our homework." I carefully eased myself out of the chair. "I'd better get a wash before this mud dries - it's already caking."

"There is another little thing you haven't mentioned, Jeffrey."

"What's that, mum?"

"Where are your shorts?"

"Oh, you've noticed - I didn't think it showed."

"It's obvious with every tiny step you take. What happened to them, Jeffrey?"

"They had a design weakness, and we parted company in the final rough and tumble. But I didn't disgrace myself; I was wearing two pairs of sturdy underpants. I still am."

"They're girl's knickers, Jeffrey."

"Only a very close inspection by an expert would reveal the truth, and nobody saw anything as I whizzed along on my bike."

"Even so, Mr Carey shouldn't have let you come all the way home, undressed like that."

"You can't really blame him; he had his hands full with the post-match celebrations."

"That's no excuse, and he was wrong to press-gang you into playing in the first place. He couldn't have been aware of your well-hidden talents. I really should speak to the man."

"Better not, mum, you'll get no sense out of him - he's notoriously eccentric."

"I thought that was Mr Bossom."

"They're all mad, aren't they, Susie?"

"It's an occupational hazard, Mrs Smith. Teaching is nearly as bad as estate agenting for driving people batty."

"Scrap metal keeps you rooted in reality, doesn't it mum?"

"It needs to, Jeffrey, because you certainly don't."

"I'm just mildly eccentric, mum," I smiled. "It's nothing to bother about. You've enough on your mind with the business. Did you have a good day at the office?"

"You might not be so pleased to change the subject when you hear what happened, Jeffrey."

"Oh?"

"Have you seen Ernie today?"

"Ernie who?"

"Ernie Longbottom, of course."

"No, the rugby took up all afternoon."

"How about this morning?"

"We visited one of the sickies from school. He rang and begged me to come over."

"I didn't think you were that friendly with anyone."

"I'm not, but he had a car accident, and he's fallen behind with his studies. I took pity and brought him up to date with his maths. It's my good deed for the term."

"Then why the startled look when I mentioned Ernie?"

"I was surprised to hear his name again so soon; I thought he'd moved over the river. Is he in trouble?"

"Probably, Jeffrey, a shifty character came to the yard, asking after him."

"He's well out of date with his information, so it can't be anything serious. It's probably an old cell mate looking for a helping hand."

"Maybe, but just remember, wherever he's living, Ernie's a rum un and totally irresponsible. Don't get involved in any of his schemes, Jeffrey."

"I understand, mum," I nodded, and edged towards the door.

"Before you steal away, Jeffrey, what were you so interested in at the bottom of the garden?"

"I was just oiling the lock on the shed; it's been sticking."

"We needed to make doubly sure all is secure, Mrs Smith, because a badger's made its home under the floor."

"A what! Oh, Jeffrey, you could have been ripped to shreds. And my washing's still out. Who do we call - the RSPCA or the fire brigade?"

"Neither, mum, and there's no need to panic, because it's only a hedgehog."

"If Susie says it's a badger ..."

"Susie never even saw it; she just heard it scuffling around. It's a hedgehog."

"Are you absolutely sure, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, it's been here all week. And it's a welcome visitor - they're the gardener's friend."

"We'd better put out some food to encourage it to stay, then, Mrs Smith."

"Well, if it really is a Mrs Tiggywinkle, Susie."

"No, mum, we don't want to cosset it, or it won't do its job keeping down the pests."

"A saucer of bread and milk will make the little fellow feel welcome, Jeffrey - just like in the books."

"No, Mrs Smith, that's the wrong thing entirely; it makes them ill. Cat food's number one on their menu."

"Susie's right - it's a shame we haven't got any. It'll have to fend for itself tonight."

"We've a tin of Chum left over from poor old Major. Your dad kept it for sentimental reasons."

"That's years past its sell-by-date, mum."

"I'll be glad to get rid of the thing; it only reminds me of how the silly animal sent you flying down the stairs." Mum went over and delved into the back of the cupboard. "There's a bag of Bonio in here too - the lot can go."

"Best not, mum, we wouldn't want to risk poisoning the poor little fellow."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, hedgehogs have cast-iron stomachs; they eat carrion."

"Do they, Susie? I thought they favoured slugs and snails."

"And puppy dogs tails, or failing those worms. Mix in a tin of spaghetti, Mrs Smith - give the little blighter a real treat."

"Good idea, Susie, it's important to have a balanced diet."

"Maybe just the spaghetti would be safer, mum, or you could give it a choice."

"I've only got one old tin plate. I'll boil the whole lot together and kill any nasty germs. Is that okay, Jeffrey?"

"I suppose so," I conceded, and decided it couldn't do any more harm to give Ernie at least a little of what he fancied. "Put in a couple of eggs as well; that'll do it good. It'll build up its fat reserves in case we have a hard winter."

"Jeffrey's really sweet, isn't he, Mrs Smith, worrying over an itsy-bitsy little hedgehog."

"I can't help myself, Susie. I'm a Buddhist where animals are concerned."

"That's very caring of you, Jeffrey, but you're not to dye your hair orange; it's lovely as it is."

"I promise I won't, mum."

"And see you look after it - you'd better use some of my Pantene Pro-V after all that rugbying. Go and have a hot bath, and I'll see to Mrs Tiggywinkle."

"Be careful not to disturb it, mum, or it might abandon its babies. Leave the plate outside the shed door and don't hang around."

"I'll tiptoe there and run back. Now off you go."

"Thanks, mum, and try to keep your eyes averted - being stared at upsets them."

"Come on, Jeffrey." Susie pulled me away. "You don't want your mother thinking you're developing an unnatural interest in hedgehog welfare."

"Don't joke about it, Susie - mum may take you seriously."

"I know what to take seriously, Jeffrey, and I hope you do as well."

"Yes, mum, I'll run for cover if I see Ernie," I mumbled, and shuffled out of the door.

"Oh, Jeffrey, I picked up a parcel for you on the way in and put it in your room. I hope it's not another of your little secrets."

"My life's an open book, mum. I'll bring it down and show you."

"Don't forget," she called after us. "If it's a bikini, I want to see it."

"So do I, Jeffrey. Get a wiggle on!"

"I hope Ernie has the sense to keep quiet." I fretted, when we were safely upstairs. "Mum's already on the alert."

"It's your fault, Jeffrey. You should know there's always method in my inventiveness. If you hadn't contradicted my badger, your mum wouldn't be going down there."

"But the fire brigade would. My hedgehog saved our bacon. Why did you have to suggest feeding it?"

"You were the one who said it was the gardener's friend."

"And I forgot mum was a Beatrix Potter fanatic."

"There you are, then, you should have stuck to badger; they don't bring out the maternal instinct."

"Did you know Dachs is German for badger, and dachshunds were used to hunt them?"

"That seems a bit of a mismatch - are you sure?"

"Absolutely, I know my sausages."

"But did you know Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy?"

"Yes, after his sailor's suit. Next question."

"Okay, how many times is cheese mentioned in the Bible?"

"Twice, and cheeses once."

"You're ace on facts, but lateral thinking is the real test. Which is the odd one out - potato, cabbage, or knife?"

"Cabbage - you can make chips with the other two."

"You've chased the monkey up the gum tree, Jeffrey. Let's have a power shower, and I'll give you your bonus prize for three in a row."

"I hope it's a jigsaw - I love putting things together with you."

 

Chapter 98

"Where's that parcel hiding, Jeffrey?" Susie finished drying her hair and peered around my room. "I've never seen so much clutter. You need to have a good clearout in here and make some space."

"They're books, Susie; it's sacrilege to throw them away."

"You can donate a few to a worthy cause. There's no shortage of charity shops."

"That's where they came from. I'd only buy them back again so it'd be pointless."

"You'll have to learn to control your bibliomania, Jeffrey."

"It's just another harmless little quirk."

"Collecting's okay within reason, but not hoarding. You need a clutter coach."

"No, I don't - everything's filed and in its place."

"Then why have you got two, or even three copies of things?"

"There are some old books I feel compelled to give a good home to. I don't like to see them left on the shelf; they'd end up being sent to the tip."

"Is this one you rescued?" Susie picked up my latest bedside reading. "Model Sailing Craft - what do you want that for?"

"It's a classic in its pond. I paid three pounds for it, and it's worth at least a hundred."

"I've heard that before, Jeffrey. All your rubbish seems to be rare one-offs. With your eye for a bargain, you should be on the telly."

"You can scoff, but they'll prove wise investments."

"Have you ever actually made a cash in the hand profit?"

"They're not for sale; the pleasure of making a find is reward enough. Anyway, they're better than money in the bank."

"You appreciate them appreciating, do you?"

"Yes, and especially so with this because I'm interested in model yachts."

"No, you're not."

"I was once. I used to love watching the racing on the lake. I pestered dad for ages to buy me a small-scale version I saw in a second-hand shop."

"Did you get it?"

"Of course," I smiled, "but it turned out to be a big-scale disappointment. It shipped water by the bucketful, and my rival's cheapo block of wood left it standing."

"I didn't see it in your shed - where is it?"

"I swapped it after a week for a pair of binoculars. They were supposed to be a U-boat captain's, but they were made in the DDR. Dad wasn't too pleased."

"I hope that taught you a lesson about trading in junk."

"Not really - I've still got the binoculars - and they are Zeiss. The yacht sank on its very next outing - right in the middle of the lake."

"Take the hint, Jeffrey, and cash in this asset. A hundred pounds would go nicely towards our car."

"That's a long way off, Susie, and the book has revived my interest. I could build a boat from scratch. Even though I'm intellectually inclined, I like working with my hands."

"I know, Jeffrey, but it's time to put those childish things behind you, and a good start would be getting rid of all the stuff under your bed."

I recoiled in horror. "You can't be serious. My Meccano outfits have been handed down the generations - they're a priceless family heirloom."

"It's scrap metal and millions of fiddly little nuts and bolts."

"It's engineering in miniature - the toy every boy wants."

"Not any more, Jeffrey - I liked Lego, and bashing things together."

"I'm not surprised."

"And I didn't need any plans, either." Susie rapidly flipped through the pages of my latest prize possession. "This is full of them. You don't want to get bogged down in a lot of fussy details - that's no fun."

"It is to me - it's a highly scientific exercise."

"But there are hundreds of diagrams; it'll take you ages to work your way through this little lot."

"All the longer to savour the excitement as the beautiful streamlined shape of the hull slowly arises out of nothing."

"It's teeny-weeny print and precision work. You'll ruin your telescopic vision if you spend all that time planking away on your own, Jeffrey."

"I'll let you help, Susie; it'll be something to occupy us through the long winter evenings. It can be very cosy in my shed. It's a home from home."

"I'm not enamoured with the idea, Jeffrey."

"You'll change your tune, once you get the scent of sawdust in your nostrils - it's as romantic as WD-40."

"I think I'd find it pretty irksome having to blow my nose all the time."

"And there's the smell of varnish and seawater to come - the lake has its own peculiar bouquet."

"Enough nosyfying, Jeffrey - why can't you take up a normal hobby like collecting shoes?"

"Making something's more creative - you'll enjoy it. But there's no rush, we'll put it on hold until the clocks go back."

"Forever, Jeffrey - it's a quirk too far."

"Okay, just to please you, I'll content myself with reading the book."

"You won't regret it - I promise."

"In the first year at school, I sat in front of a boy who got a model power boat kit for Christmas. Every morning, he told me what he'd done the night before, and I built up this wonderful picture in my mind."

"There you are, then - do the same again. It'll be a lot less hassle."

"And it won't be such a disappointment, because when I actually saw the thing in the wood ..."

"It's always the same, Jeffrey - dreams doth flatter."

"I don't know about that, Susie."

"There are exceptions."

"Like your car."

"And certain other things," she smiled.

"I hope this is one of them, Susie, because I've already spent the money." I picked up the packet from the dressing table, and dangled it in front of her.

"You really are a tease, Jeffrey. What have you been planning behind my back?"

"You'll see."

"Let me open it - I love surprises."

I dropped the jiffy bag into her outstretched hand. "Go on, but don't tear your way in."

Susie carefully peeled back the flap, extracted a small box, and passed me the envelope. "There you are, Jeffrey, preserved for future use."

"It's fifty pence saved - many a mickle makes a muckle." I bent down and squeezed it under the bottom drawer with all the others.

"This is more like it - an MD-80 Spycam." Susie fingered the smooth thumb-sized object she'd taken from the box. "Is it a toy or a real one?"

"With this micro-SD card, it'll record an hour's video and sound without anyone knowing."

"Interesting, Jeffrey, but why were you tempted to splash out on it?"

"It's a gadget, and it was only 11.49, postage and packing included."

"Oh, it can't be much good at that price."

"Yes it is - I've done my research. Plug it into the USB-port, and I'll set the correct date and time. This could come in very useful."

"Ah, what have you in mind?"

"Nothing special, but with the scrapes we get into, some documentary evidence might prove useful."

"I'm not too sure about that, Jeffrey."

"Only if it's in our favour of course."

"It wouldn't have been up to now."

"There's always a first time."

"You'll have to give me director's approval of the final cut."

"You've got it, Susie."

"I wonder how Ernie enjoyed his supper." Susie sniffed the lingering aroma that had drifted up into the bedroom. "It certainly smelt good."

"Well, it was full of chunky goodness and marrowbone jelly. I just hope he isn't one foot in the gravy with the trots after it."

"It'd serve him right for being such a male chauvinist. Kelly must be a saint to put up with him."

"Ernie's good-hearted and he tries his best. Guess what - on their first date, he took her out for tea and biscuits."

"Are you sure it wasn't cakes and ale?"

"No, tea and biscuits, and in the most sophisticated surroundings imaginable."

"That must have been a big surprise for her, Jeffrey."

"It certainly was, Susie - she'd never given blood before."

"That's another one I owe you, Jeffrey! You both deserve to eat a dog's dinner."

"It's too late; Ernie's probably wolfed down the lot by now, and ready for his custard. We'll say nothing - what he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"He's safe from practically everything, then."

"He may need to be if he goes around waving a fistful of fifties under people's noses."

Susie laid Ernie's fifty-pound note on the bed alongside ours. "I've waited all my life for one of these, and now two have come along at once."

"We'll have to give it back. He needs it more than we do."

"Let's not be hasty, Jeffrey. They make a beautiful couple lying there."

"I like crisp new money; we'll change Ernie's for our crumpled one. That shouldn't count as receiving stolen goods."

"Stealing by finding - is it really a crime?"

"Yes."

"What sort of law is that - it's medieval. You'd better be careful, Jeffrey; you're always finding things."

"Not fifty-pound notes, Susie." I picked it up, and checked the digits. "2-4-6-8-1-0-2-3 ... Ooooohhhh! ... 2-4-6-8-1-0-2-3."

"What's the matter, Jeffrey? Is it one of your uninteresting, interesting numbers?"

"In more ways than one, Susie. This has the same serial number as ours. I remembered it because ..."

"Hey, if it's a misprint, it may be worth extra. Aren't they collector's items?"

"Yes, the police collect them and us as well if we're not careful. This has been issued by the bank of Ernie or one of his pals."

"You mean it's a forgery? You must have made a mistake - give it here."

"No, I haven't," I frowned, and handed her the fifty. "The number stuck in my mind. 24681023 is 4967 x 4969, a product of twin primes. Can you guess how I did that in my head, Susie?"

"No."

"Well, the trick is - 24680000 is 2468 x 10000 - that's 4936 x 5000 ..."

"Not now, Jeffrey. I'm concentrating." Susie squinted hard at the notes. "They look the same ..."

"... which is (4968 - 32) x (4968 + 32), that's 4968 squared - 32 squared."

"... and feel the same."

"... 32 squared is 1024, so adding it to both sides - 24681024 is 4968 squared. Hence 24681023 is 4967 x 4969. Pretty neat, eh?"

"Will you pay attention, Jeffrey. Look here - you can't tell the difference. Ernie's is a bloody good copy."

"They're both bloody good copies, Susie."

"They can't be - ours must be real. It's too much of a coincidence that the only fifties I've ever had are both fakes. It must be millions to one against."

"But shorter odds that Ernie knows someone, who knows the sleazy kerb crawler we met."

"You mean the swine tried to buy our favours with monopoly money. That adds insult to insult. The cheek of it! He got what he deserved. I'd like to add injury to his injury."

"He'll still be suffering, Susie; you'll have to take comfort from that."

"Bugger, bugger, and double bugger." Susie threw the notes down in frustration. "Your unhealthy fascination with numbers has cost us dear, Jeffrey."

"Saved us from embarrassment at the very least. You should be grateful for my painstaking attention to detail."

"Not in this case."

"Cheer up, it's only fifty-pounds."

"Make that a hundred - I'd have talked you into keeping Ernie's taxi fare, and you'd have talked me into biking it tomorrow."

"We won't be doing either. Ernie isn't getting any more favours. One night's five-star board and lodging, and that's his lot."

"I totally agree - he's ruined my evening."

"Not entirely, I hope, Susie; I thought we had other plans."

"Come here, Jeffrey."

"I've forgotten all about money, Susie."

"And I've forgotten all about your numerology, Jeffrey. People can't expect naive 16-year-olds to recognise brilliant forgeries. I don't see why we should be stuck with our fifty; we'll quietly pass the parcel."

"We wouldn't be alone in doing so, Susie. The government is turning a blind eye to the millions of fake pound coins in circulation. They like a bit of inflation. And the banks counterfeit money into existence as if it's going out of fashion."

"There you are, then, we'll follow their example, take our bonus, and spend, spend, spend. Tesco can bear the loss, or better still, Asda."

"I thought you were a Debenhams girl."

"There are some nice clothes at George, and it'll be more patriotic to diddle Wal-Mart."

"It's a pity there aren't any French supermarkets handy."

"They're a nation of small shopkeepers, Jeffrey."

"Or Argentinean."

"Stop being silly. I think the safest way would be one of those self-service machines."

"They'd spit it right back out at you; they're programmed to recognise duds."

"Then it'll have to be my best poker face at the checkout."

"That won't work; they'll be suspicious of a fifty-pound note from a school kid."

"I'm not a school kid."

"Yes, you are."

"Well, I wish you wouldn't keep reminding me. Don't you want to grow up?"

"You're incorrigible, Jeffrey."

"And incorruptible. Destroy it in your magic act; that should get some laughs."

"At our expense," Susie griped. "It's not fair. We worked hard for the money."

"No, we didn't."

"It was compensation for the trauma we suffered, Jeffrey. I'd never seen anything like it in my life."

"Neither had I, Susie."

"Right - and we shouldn't be the losers just because I've far too many scruples to off-load our victims' surcharge onto some other poor innocent."

"Oh, Susie, whatever next? Never in my wildest dreams, did I imagine I'd be going out with an ethics girl."

"Well, you are. I've dethided we'll thave it until we have a chanthe to thwindle the undetherving rich."

"Or for if we get mugged."

"No one's going to mug us, Jeffrey - starting with Ernie."

"I don't think he knows it's fake, but there's something rotten in the trousers of Longbottom, or he wouldn't be hiding in my shed."

"All that stuff about his wife really was a load of tosh. He's on the run and lying low. I think we may have a problem, Jeffrey."

"I certainly have, Susie; I'm already on a yellow card over Ernie. Mum will blow her top if she finds our there's a felon at the bottom of our garden, sitting on a wad of fake fifties thick enough to choke a donkey. He'll have to go, and first thing in the morning."

"Getting rid could be tricky - I've profiled him and come to the conclusion he's a slippery customer."

"An emptor lubricus, as you psychologists say."

"I wouldn't presume to call Ernie an empty loo brick, Jeffrey - whatever that is - but he's your friend."

"Friend or not, we'll string him along until we find out what he really wants us to pick up."

"I have my suspicions, Jeffrey."

"So do I, Susie."

"How much would a suitcase full of fifties be worth?"

"Hundreds of thousands - we'll have to proceed with extreme circumspection."

"Don't be taken in by another sob story, Jeffrey."

"And don't you develop a sudden enthusiasm for another adventure, Susie."

"I draw the line at biking through the wild side of town with a fortune in funny money in our saddlebags."

"We wouldn't have to. Believe it or not, Ernie has a bungalow on the new estate."

"How could he afford that?"

"Don't ask - we didn't."

"The camera might come in handy tomorrow, Susie; we'd better have a test run before lights out."

"Hang Percy from the ceiling, Jeffrey; that'll give him the best view."

"Percy?"

"Yes, doesn't it remind you of something?"

I turned the stubby, green object over in my hand. "Ah, I've got you - Percy the Small Engine."

"Who?"

"Percy the Small Engine - Thomas's little pal."

"Exactly! Hurry, before your mum comes up, and let's get back to the enjoyment for girl and boy meant."

"Can we fast forward through this afternoon's Countdown at the same time?"

"Jeffrey!"

"I'll watch it over your shoulder - it uses a different part of the brain."

"Well, don't yell out if you beat her at the numbers game."

"I promise not to."

"Okay, Jeffrey, here I come. Bed, bed, where are thy springs?"

"Ooooooooooooohhh, Susie, you've settled on two from the top row."

 

Chapter 99

"What are we telling your mother about our plans, Jeffrey?"

"As little as possible, Susie. If mum asks, say we're going shopping in Shoreham; that's safely out of reach and uncheckupable on."

"You're having a Denise day at Debenhams, are you, Jeffrey?"

"Definitely not," I insisted, pulling on my floppiest top over my baggiest trousers. "I don't want to give mum the slightest cause for concern."

"Well, dressing like a tramp isn't a good start. You could get a stone of potatoes in there, without betraying a sprout."

"This is my best casual wear, and it's ideal for seeing what's on offer at B&Q."

"Aw, Jeffrey, you can't be serious."

"We're not really going - it's only an orange herring."

"But B&Q - won't that make your mum suspicious, coming right out of the blue?"

"No, I always went with dad; it's totally in character."

"Not mine - why would I want to traipse around a DIY store?"

"Your dad's an estate agent; it's only natural you want to keep abreast of what's happening in the world of home improvements."

"Even if I can persuade your mother we talk of little else around the dinner table, you've shown more of an interest in tutus than tools lately."

"And it's time to redress the balance. This cover story will reassure mum I haven't gone completely doolally and require professional help."

"I've already done that, Jeffrey."

"And the rugby, and a renewed interest in DIY will emphasise the point. It's the old rule of three - the politician's claptrap."

"Like dad's - 'Location, Location, Location'."

"That's uninspired repetition; it wouldn't get anyone elected."

"'Education, Education, Education' did."

"Which just shows the general drop in standards. It's not in your 'Veni, Vidi, Vici' or 'Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite' class."

"Or 'Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer!' - that brought people to their feet."

"There's no need to go to extremes, Susie. We're not planning on goose-stepping our way through the Polish Centre into the European Commission."

"Your mum might find it more believable than having a sudden urge to go window shopping at B&Q."

"Not if I need a new belt for the lawnmower."

"Do you, Jeffrey?"

"No, but it'll put mum's mind completely at rest. You make up something as well."

"How about ... 'Dad wants me to check out the autumn range in door furniture'?"

"You've got the idea, Susie. The way you said that, I believed it. All we need now is a big bowl of porridge each, and we'll be set up for the day."

"You look like you've sat on a feather, Jeffrey."

"An ostrich one, Susie." I breathed a sigh of relief and closed the front door. "Mum's safely on her way, and with no more questions asked. She's even convinced she saw a hedgehog."

"And she never raised an eyebrow when you said we were going to B&Q."

"What did I tell you, Susie - I know exactly how mum's mind works ... sometimes."

"Still, I was surprised when she brought us the flask and sandwiches, and suggested we make a day of it."

"I don't like lying to mum, especially when she believes me. Maybe we should drop in at B&Q for an hour or two when we get rid of Ernie."

"No, Jeffrey, if we're going shopping, it's the Freeport for us - Marks and Spencer and Next in easy biking distance."

"Okay, but I'll have to come home with a hardware related item."

"How would a cantilever bra suit?"

"Remember we're keeping our cards close to our chests, Susie," I stressed, when we reached the bottom of the garden.

"You play with Pinky and Perky, and leave the rest to me, Jeffrey."

"Just don't let Ernie know what we know."

"I'll give nothing away while subtlety cross-examining him."

"That'll be wasted on Ernie - we have to adopt a more direct approach."

"You mean like this." Susie bounced up to the shed and banged on the side. "Wakey, wakey!"

"Aaaahhh- what's that!"

"Come on, rise and shine."

"Oowww! Aaaarrggh!" The door flew open, and our dodgy lodger tumbled out.

"Mind how you go."

"Snackety-snack!" Ernie squawked, hopping around holding his shin.

"What's the matter?"

"I stood on a plug and bashed into a pedal."

"My shed's a death-trap to the unwary; you want to be out of there before you do yourself a real injury. Here ..." I thrust the flask and sandwiches on him. "Breakfast is served."

"Oh, more lovely grub!"

"Did you enjoy the last lot?"

"It slid down a treat, and I licked the plate clean. What fantastic meatballs! Your mother knows the way to a man's heart, Jeffrey."

"So do I, Ernie," Susie smiled. "I shared my secret recipe with her."

"Then, Jeffrey's twice blessed. One thing I won't miss is Kelly's cooking. She tries to copy off them telly programs, but all her stuff turns out the same. It has a low slump factor. You can stand your spoon up in her gravy."

"You've an aunt like that, haven't you, Susie?"

"I certainly have, Jeffrey; she could poison a toad. Get yourself a big, hungry dog, Ernie, and train it to sit under the table."

"I'd need a goat," he groaned. " Kelly's latest fad's a healthy living kick. If I eat another carrot, magicians will be pulling me out of a hat. And I daren't ask what's she's putting in my sandwiches. I think we may have irreconcilable differences, but I'm too much in love to care."

"I'm sorry about your marital problems, Ernie, but hanging around here won't solve them. The sooner you're back home begging forgiveness, the better."

"You're right, Jeffrey, and once I'm presentable again, I'll be throwing myself at Kelly's feet. I've learned my lesson, and I'm really missing the little sprog." He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. "It's just a matter of you picking up my case, and then we can all be reunited."

"I'd like to help, but I'm a little wary. By a strange coincidence, someone's been down at the yard asking after Ernie Longbottom."

"I'm a Crockett now; it can't be anyone I know."

"Well, he knows you. You're not involved with the stolen tramway cable, are you, Ernie?"

"I never touched it - or the lead from the roof of the magistrates' court."

"That wasn't mentioned in the paper."

"It hasn't rained yet."

"Ernie!"

"It's just something I overheard - honest, Jeffrey."

"Okay, Mr Innocent, where's your van?"

"Someone borrowed it without my permission, and they haven't brought it back yet - if you get my drift. I'm homeless and wheelless. I've nowhere to go, and I couldn't get there if I had."

"If mum finds out you're here, I'll be for the high jump. She insists I'm extra careful of the company I keep at the moment - if you get my drift."

"I wouldn't want to cause any trouble with your mum, Jeffrey, but I'm at my wit's end. I don't know which way to turn."

"Susie can help you there."

"It's fun to stay at the YMCA, Ernie - make that your next stop."

"If only I could, but these clothes are an embarrassment. They seem to have picked up the smell, and it's getting worse."

"So you want us to collect some new ones."

"That's right, Jeffrey - you'll be doing me a big favour. I'd my case already packed, but somehow I forgot it in the rush and dodging Kelly's saucepans."

"And you can't go, because you're scared of meeting your mother-in-law."

"It'll only make matters worse if we get into an argument. I have an unfortunate effect on her."

"You don't expect us to believe that story, do you, Ernie?"

"Why not? I couldn't think of anything else, and it's almost true. I have been driven from home, and I do need your help."

"Your only chance of getting it is to come clean about what we'll really be picking up."

"It's just an ordinary case, Jeffrey ..." Ernie hesitated.

"Go on."

"But it's not one hundred percent my personal property," he finally confessed.

"You mean it's stolen."

"Only temporarily mislaid and not deliberately relocated. I accidentally acquired it when I found out my van had gone. I took it as an unofficial deposit, but now it has to be put back where it belongs."

"So, what's the problem?"

"I have to remain anonymous. The case fell into my lap because it was sort of lost in transit. They don't know how exactly, and I don't want them to find out."

"And who might they be?"

"Unreasonable folk with no sense of humour - I've landed myself in a sticky situation, Jeffrey. It's best if I disappear for a while and the case mysteriously reappears."

"So why can't you fetch it yourself?"

"The people in question aren't sure who's got it, but they'll be watching for me. They've already been round the house, but I expected a visit and wasn't in."

"You'll want to keep on the move, then."

"I can't run forever, Jeffrey. I have to put things back where they belong before I become the one and only suspect."

"Blame it on somebody else - you know it makes sense," Susie suggested. "That's my motto, and it's always worked with dad."

"People tend not to believe what I say," Ernie sighed. "And if I'm caught in possession, they'll be seriously annoyed with me."

"And anyone else who waltzes off with it."

"You can think of a plan to get in and out undetected, Jeffrey."

"No, I can't."

"I can, Jeffrey."

"Shush, Susie."

"The wood for the trees ploy - we pretend we're Jehovah's witnesses and knock on all the doors."

"Are you mad? We'll have people setting dogs on us."

"Or we could borrow Mikey's old cub uniforms and go bob-a-jobbing."

"What if we get a job - have you thought of that?"

"How about leaflet deliverers?"

"Susie's brilliant, isn't she, Jeffrey," Ernie enthused. "I'll give you the directions."

"No, you won't. Anyway, I know where you live; dad lent you a skip to move in."

"Aaahh, it's not quite as straightforward as that, Jeffrey; the case isn't at the bungalow."

"Oh, have you had it repossessed?"

"No, it's in the wife's name, and she doesn't like me doing business there, especially since little Kyle arrived. Help me, and save him from growing up in a one parent family."

"Don't be so melodramatic, Ernie."

"He's spot on about the importance of a male role model, Jeffrey."

"I knew you'd lend a sympathetic ear, Susie." Ernie grinned. "You've picked a good un there, Jeffrey."

"I had some assistance."

"And that's what I need. You'll have to go to my brother Bert's place."

"We're not going anywhere until ... Wait a minute - I thought he'd decamped to Brazil."

"No, he was still wearing his pink suit and frilly shirt when I waved him off. That's when I swore I'd look after his interests while he's away. Bert doesn't want to lose his housing benefit - by some administrative oversight, he's his own landlord."

"Housing benefit?" I frowned. "No offence, Ernie, but it's not safe for strangers to visit that sort of area. If mum found out ..."

"She won't - it's in Shoreham."

"Its estates are even worse - there's a murder a week."

"And young girls wind up as hamburger filling."

"Not where you're going, Susie; the Royal Park Estate is rather exclusive - well away from the tourist traps and DSS land."

"It's still an unsuitable job for two young innocents like us. Why can't you get one of your friends to do it?"

"I couldn't trust anybody, Jeffrey. There's no honour among the thieves I know; the temptation would be too much for them. You're my only hope."

"We've already had a very energetic week, and it's a long way to go."

"You've got the taxi money. It's Robespierre Avenue, the Marie Antoinette apartments, and it's the penthouse."

"The penthouse?"

"It's on the top floor - 22-A - that's a penthouse, isn't it?"

"On housing benefit - is this another of your fantasies?"

"You can believe it, Jeffrey; dad's always reading out those stories from Estate Agent's Weekly."

"That's right, Susie, Bert knows how to work the system; he's the brains of the family. He's got a GCSE in geography; that's how he knew where to find Brazil."

"And will you be joining him?"

"With your help, Jeffrey, we may all be going on a family holiday in the not too distant future. Here, take this." He pressed a key into my hand. "That's for the flat."

"It'll be a waste of time, Ernie. If they're so hot on the trail of the case, won't they already have searched the place?"

"Even if they have, they'll never find it - it's too well hidden."

"Where?"

"In Monty's cage - it's as safe as prefabs."

"A suitcase in a cage - that's hardly hunt the thimble."

"It's more of an aviary; Monty takes up a fair amount of room."

"What's Monty - a giant parrot?"

"No, a giant snake. Bert got it to partner Mickey, his performing monkey. He wanted a rangy-tangy like Clint Eastwood, but they had none down the animal sanctuary. He settled for the only exotic available - Monty - it was a rescue snake."

"And did they all live happily ever after."

"Not exactly, Monty ate Mickey, but it worked out okay. Monty turned out to be a bigger attraction, and he didn't run off with the tin cup. So everyone was a winner."

"Except Mickey - there must be a moral to this tale, Susie."

"It's a dog eat dog world, Jeffrey. That must be one monster of a snake."

"Want to bet it's a python?"

"Spot on, Jeffrey! You're one step ahead of me, as always."

"And a hop, and a jump. Even if Monty's swallowed the case, they'll have found it by now."

"No, they won't, because it's not in the flat. But a left luggage ticket for North Station is," Ernie crowed. "I stuck it inside the back door of the cage - some pretty smart thinking on my part."

"It can't have been that smart if you're in this fix."

"Things haven't quite gone according to plan, Jeffrey. I didn't expect to be the number one suspect."

"You never do." I nodded across at Susie. "I think it only remains to ask the jackpot question."

Ernie shifted uncomfortably. "I'm no good at quizzes, Jeffrey."

Susie fixed him with a steely gaze. "You don't have to be with me doing the probing. You've heard of the Spanish Inquisition?"

"No."

"You must have."

"I like liquorice allsorts - especially the coconut ones."

"Not that kind of Spanish - the Spanish ..."

"Drop it, Susie, we haven't time for tortuous explanations."

"In that case, we'll get straight down to the brass facts."

"Oh, you've already guessed it's money in there." Ernie gaped. "You're as clever as Jeffrey."

"Nothing gets past us," Susie beamed. "We're old hands at the double-dealing game."

"But before we decide whether to embark on mission improbable, we want to hear the full facts from Mr Phelps himself."

"Who?"

"You."

"Ah, I've got it - that's my cover name," Ernie exclaimed. "You think of everything, Jeffrey. But wouldn't Mr Blonde be better?" He ran a hand through his shock of red hair. "It'll fool 'em good and proper."

"Okay, Mr Blonde," I sighed. "Give us your report."

"Hey, this is just like in Reservoir Dogs - did you see that picture?"

"No, we aren't great animal lovers. Will you get on with it."

Ernie beckoned us closer. "Not that I had the slightest notion at the time," he whispered, "but it turned out the case was stuffed full of cash." He tapped his back pocket. "This is just a small sample. There are bundles and bundles of bull's-eyes - more than I could count - millions maybe. And it's all mine."

"I thought you were giving it back."

"I am, but there's always a chance of unexpected developments - like with the cesspit."

"Oh, Ernie, this is even worse than the dynamite," I groaned. "You'll have to go. The police could arrive at any moment."

"On my great, great, great grandmother's life, Jeffrey, the law aren't involved."

"They soon will be if you stole it, and it's as much as you say."

"I told you - it's only stolen in the sense it's not mine. But you can be sure no one is going to report it missing."

"Why not?"

"It has a murky history, and there's a dispute over the ownership. That's my difficulty, deciding who to return it to. One way or another someone's going to be mightily pissed off."

"I'd give it to the biggest and ugliest," Susie advised.

"I haven't quite decided who that is yet, but I'll have everything sorted by the time you get back."

"Why didn't you keep it with you and avoid this trouble?"

"It really is a fortune, Jeffrey. I'd never seen anything like it; I got the collywobbles when I opened that case."

"But why leave it in left luggage of all places?"

"Where else? I couldn't put it in the bank, and I daren't carry it around with me. It would be too dangerous."

"And it'll be the same for us, Ernie."

"Please, Jeffrey - I'm desperate."

"If you behave and do as we say, we might be persuaded to get the ticket for you. But we're not bringing it here," I emphasised. "We'll hand it over outside the station."

"It's too risky - there may be somebody watching for me leaving that way."

"Your smart thinking has turned out to be a doubly daft thing to do."

"It worked for the guy on the telly; that's where I got the idea. And it would have done for me, but I didn't know then, what I know now."

"The story of your life."

Ernie hung his head. "I'm coalboxed, Jeffrey - please help me, no one else will. And once I get the case, I'll disappear - never to be seen again."

"What do you think, Susie?"

"We've not much else on, Jeffrey, and the devil makes work for idle thumbs. I'm ready to give it a go if you are."

"Okay, Ernie, we'll get the ticket, and if everything goes smoothly we may pick up the case."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, and thank you, Susie. You've saved my life. If there's anything I can do for you."

"You can start by moving out of my shed in the next five minutes."

"I will."

"And no messing about."

"I'll never forget this."

"Just leave."

"I'm on my way."

"And don't ever come back."

"I'll wait for you outside the Tower; it's right next to North Station. Five minutes, maximum, and the case will be off your hands."

"We'll see - but you'd better not leave us standing around."

"I'll go straight there on the bus and lie low until you arrive. Take a rucksack with you, and empty the money into it, just to be on the safe side."

"What do you mean - 'safe side'?"

"Well, the attache case is stamped with big gold initials - someone might recognise them."

"And how do we get it open? We're not as expert at picking locks as you."

"Here's the key." Ernie dropped it into my hand.

"Where did you get that?"

"I picked a pocket."

"What else you haven't told us, Ernie?"

"You know the full story. I'm not hiding nothing."

"It's funny you should say that, because you seem to have put on weight since we last met."

"It's an extra pullover; I knew I'd be sleeping rough."

"It's a flak jacket."

"It's just a precaution. You needn't worry - you're civilians. And no one will suspect you - you're both too cute," he grinned.

"Just get out of here," I spluttered, "and don't go anywhere near mum."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, Shoreham Tower is the next stop for me."

"You be there, because we're not hanging about with hot millions."

"You have my solemn word, Jeffrey. Oh, one last thing - watch out for Lugless Douglas - he's got it in for me - and Coat Sleeve Charlie. I gave them the slip before I came here, but they may be watching Bert's place."

"It doesn't sound like they'll need much profiling, Susie."

"Lugless Douglas should be easy to spot, Jeffrey, but what about Coat Sleeve Charlie?"

"He probably sniffs a lot."

"I hope he's not using the wrong kind of nose drops; that can make sinus trouble worse."

"You're right there, Susie; Charlie did six months because of it - don't go accepting any cheques from him. He knows all the tricks of the trade; he's a smooth operator from L A."

"Los Angeles?"

"No, Lostock 'All," Ernie guffawed.

"He's as bad as you, Jeffrey."

"I only hope he laughs all the way to a bank in Brazil, Susie."

 

Chapter 100

"Didn't you say we wouldn't be doing Ernie any more favours, Jeffrey?"

"I must have acquired a little of your reckless lust for adventure since then, Susie."

"Don't put the blame on me - he's your friend."

"And his friends will be dropping in for a visit if he hangs around much longer." I looked out of the bedroom window at Ernie leisurely eating his breakfast. "I wish he'd get a move on. He's sitting there, feeding his face, as if he hasn't a care in the world."

"He lives for the moment, Jeffrey. You should appreciate his philosophy, being something of a Buddhist yourself."

"I'm nothing of a Buddhist, and neither is Ernie. He's an Epicurean, indulging in a life of ferrets, krugs, and sausage rolls. Which he's free to do, since he's lumbered us with his dirty work."

"It'll be snake in the grass, monkey business if I'm not mistaken, Jeffrey. We should be prepared for complications. It seems a simple task, but how much of what he told us is true?"

"Well, it's forged money - not stolen money, so the police probably aren't on his trail - yet. We can be thankful for that."

"I wonder if Ernie knows it's fake."

"I doubt it; he isn't as interested in numbers as I am. He must think all his dreams have come true. His imagination probably went into overdrive when he realised what he'd got away with."

"And he's stashed the loot at the station for safekeeping until he's ready to join brother Bert in Brazil."

"But unfortunately for Ernie someone's pointed the dirty fingernail of suspicion in his direction. The chances are he showed off one of his liberated fifties in the wrong place."

"So now he's stuck with no money and the heavies on his tail."

"The worst of all worlds. He should have jumped on the first plane to Rio."

"Which is what he's planning now - Ernie hasn't any intention of giving it back, has he?"

"You're the expert on human nature, Susie."

"He might change his mind if we told him it's fake."

"But it won't do us any good; we'd still have to get it before he'd move out of my shed. Letting Ernie believe he's coming into a million pounds is the quickest means I know to speed him on his way to Shoreham."

"We're being kind to be cruel."

"We'll drop a none too subtle hint when we hand it over, and let Ernie discover the bad news for himself. I hope he can live with the disappointment."

"It's his own fault - the love of money is the root of all evil."

"Too true, Susie, but you can't really blame Ernie; he had a hard childhood. And you know the influence that can have in later life."

"It can be psychologically very damaging, Jeffrey. What sort of deprivation did he suffer?"

"He's never really said. All I know for certain is that his rocking horse died in mysterious circumstances, and it was served up for Christmas dinner."

"You've done it again, Jeffrey!"

"Well, that's what he told me, and I took it as gospel."

"Have you figured out how much really could be in the attache case, Jeffrey?"

"About a quarter of a million."

Susie's eyes widened. "So Ernie isn't exaggerating that much. We may encounter some determined opposition, Jeffrey. What's an appropriate action outfit?"

"Trainers and jeans - I want to be fully trousered."

"We might not get into the Marie Antoinette apartments dressed like that - they sound super posh."

"We can take along an Eccles cake and a black tie in our back pockets in case we're stopped at the door."

"I favour going incognito."

"Why - is there a sale on?"

"Concentrate, Jeffrey - this is important."

"I suppose we could wear our school uniforms; blazers and satchels are very smart."

"What's incognito about that?"

"Just who are we hiding from, Susie?"

"The bad guys, of course."

"But we're unbeknownst to them."

"Unbeknownst - what kind of talk is that?"

"The same kind as incognito."

"I'm serious, Jeffrey. I believe in planning for every eventuality. It'd be even better if we could pull off a quick-change act. Have you any reversible clothing?"

"Is that back to front or inside out reversible?"

"I only asked," Susie pouted. "It's just the sort of thing you'd wear to save a few pennies."

"I'm not that miserly," I protested. "But you're right about looking to the future. It'd be wise to do a little research into the Royal Park Estate. Ernie's idea of luxury apartments may differ from ours."

"Bags I do the googling."

"They're council tower blocks, Jeffrey."

"And they're condemned, Susie."

"All things considered, I expect it's a pretty rough neighbourhood. We're definitely taking a taxi."

"That'll be another twenty-pounds gone south."

"You wouldn't want to risk losing your bike wheels, would you, Jeffrey?"

"Can't we get a bus to Shoreham and then a taxi?"

"The earlier we arrive there, the better. The place won't come alive until after twelve; everyone will be sleeping off the night before. We'll have the taxi wait and take us on to North Station. Then we'll kill two birds with one stone."

"This is going to be an expensive outing - I just know it."

"You can make the most of it and have a day as Denise."

"Not in a place like that - it's too risky."

"New kids on the block, Susie and Denise will attract less aggro than a Susie and Jeffrey."

"Are you sure?"

"It's a sociological fact."

"But not a scientific one."

"You can't argue with the territorial imperative and the alpha male thingy."

"That's hardly me, Susie."

"But you do have a tendency to display a certain intellectual arrogance, Jeffrey."

"I'm not likely to get into an argument over Wittgenstein where we're going."

"If anyone asks your name, and you say 'Jeffrey', you'll be in big trouble. Cooing 'Denise', with a shy smile, is much safer - believe me."

"I would be nervous going there as Jeffrey," I conceded. "In fact, I'd never go there as Jeffrey."

"In daylight, as Denise, you'll have nothing to worry about. Denise has charms to soothe their savage breasts."

"I suppose so - but a modestly dressed, prepubescent Denise; it's only less aggro I want to attract. Pinky and Perky are keeping a low profile."

"You're not bandaging them down again."

"No, I'll wear a nice soft clingy bra. The boys deserve a treat after what they went through yesterday. But I'm not putting on any make-up - except for a trace of pink lipstick and maybe matching nail polish. I don't want to go over the top."

"You can be my little sister - how will that suit?"

"Very well - I'll keep in the background and only speak when I'm spoken to. And I'm definitely wearing jeans. Have you a girly pair to lend me, Susie?"

"I've some nice figure hugging ones that'll let your bottom do the talking, Jeffrey."

"Not too loud, I hope."

"You'll like them; they're sensuously tight. And I'll put a pink ribbon in your hair - okay?"

"Yes ... but sometimes, Susie, I think I'm too easily persuaded."

"It's perfect! How many times do you need telling, Susie?"

"Many times, Jeffrey, many, many times."

"Perfect! Perfect! Perfect!"

"No, they're fine around the bottom, but they are a little short in the leg."

"I thought I could get away with it, but I must have grown a bit since."

"A good six inches."

"My judgement was clouded because they were 50 percent off in the sale."

"Half-price and half-mast - people will think the cat's died. Push them down over your hips."

"I have done, but the damn things keep popping back up."

"They could almost be mistaken for knickerbocker flares."

"Maybe that's what they are," Susie frowned. "I wouldn't have bought them if they hadn't been such a bargain." She twisted around and had another look in the mirror. "Should I change?"

"No, they're fit for purpose. This will be a good time to get some wear out of them - you won't be meeting anyone you know."

"How about my overall look?"

"I'm not too sure about that - green leather flares and a safety jacket?"

"It's a subdued orange, Jeffrey."

"It's glowing and highly visible. The combination is more noisy than discriminating."

"I'm being inconspicuous by being conspicuous."

"I wish I'd said that, Susie."

"You will, Jeffrey, you will."

"Are you going for the full traffic light effect and wearing a red hard hat to top things off?"

"I'm six months ahead of the fashion, you'll see."

"If you say so."

"It's a pity we haven't a cape apiece for this caper; they're the next big thing."

"Well, give them a miss; I don't want you thinking you can fly."

"My feet are firmly on the ground. I would have been content with a quiet day's shopping, but you insisted on this expedition."

"If you're not keen, Susie ..."

"Far be it from me to complain, Jeffrey; I'll follow your lead, as always. Now, baseball caps on, and tuck in your hair. My female intuition tells me the more tomboyish we look the better."

"That's something we agree on."

"And, Jeffrey."

"What, Susie?"

"Don't swing your bottom so much - you're overdoing it. Walk more like a man."

"Sorry, I'm out of practice."

"It's only been a week."

"Success, Jeffrey, you've got your wish. Ernie's taken the high road, and vanished without a trace."

"And on my Chinese bike, Susie; it'll probably end up in Brazil. He's done well for his fake fifty." I locked the shed door, and we started back up the garden path. "That's the first change of plan, and I bet it isn't the last."

"It doesn't matter - all we have to do is keep our side of the bargain."

"Easier said than done. Have you any experience of handling snakes, Susie?"

"None at all, Jeffrey, or badgers, or lizards, or kangaroos. I don't approve of keeping exotic pets - it's not natural. The zoo's the only place for them."

"Funny you should say that, because granddad had his own little menagerie when he was a boy. And one of his exhibits could top the lot - folk came from miles around to see it."

"I'm not biting, Jeffrey, but I might be spanking."

"Honest, Susie, Asmodeus ate Whiskas, was covered in fur, had four legs, a tail, and could see equally well from both ends."

"And Granddad Doolittle sold the push-me-pull-you to Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not."

"Nooohh, Susie, who'd pay to gawk at a blind cat?"

"Bend over, Jeffrey, you've had this coming to you."

Paaaarrrp! Paaaarrrp! Paaaarrrp!

"Saved by the horn - our ride's here. Your six of the best will have to wait."

"I'll put you over my knee later and make a proper job of it when you're improperly dressed."

"Don't forget."

"I won't - here's a little something to be going on with."

"Oohhhhh!" A hand on the bottom helped me down the drive.

Paaaarrrp! Paaaarrrp! Paaaarrrp!

"We're coming - we're coming." Susie skittered across the pavement, and yanked open the taxi door. "We're off to a flying start, Denise; it's a black bomber. We'll be travelling in style for once."

I closed the gate and caught up with Susie. "I hope they don't charge more for the extra legroom," I muttered, as I slid in after her.

"Two to the Royal Park Estate, Shoreham."

The cab driver turned and gave Susie a pained look. "You kept me waiting for that. It's out of area, and I've been up all night," he grumbled. "What do you want to go there for?"

"It's a family matter - and most urgent."

"I'm not transporting truants - shouldn't you be in school?"

"It's closed for fumigating - you must have heard. And even if you haven't, you're obliged to take us."

"All right," he grimaced. "But show me the money first - I'm not taking you on a joyride."

"It's no such thing," I protested. "We're on a mission of mercy; our gran's marooned on the top floor with her crumbling hips."

"And things have gone from bad to worse since she hit her foot with a hammer; she thought it was a rat."

"It was our mistake, buying gran those furry slippers."

"Nonsense, Denise, she's delusional." Susie leaned forward and tapped on the driver's shoulder. "Put your foot down, mister, we don't know what she'll clout next."

"We're not moving until I see some cash."

"That's against the rules. We're respectable young girls."

"We haven't time to argue, Susie, every second counts." I waved a twenty-pound note under the driver's nose. "We got up at 6 o'clock for our paper round to earn this."

"Rain or shine, we're out in all weathers. We don't have the luxury of sitting in a cosy cab, twiddling our thumbs. Come on, you're duty bound to take us."

"Okay, okay, I've seen and heard more than enough," he yawned. "Give me some peace." He shoved the cab into gear, and we jolted away.

"Drive carefully, and mind you don't fall asleep at the wheel."

"Be quiet and behave yourselves back there - I've just had the seats recovered."

"Do you treat all your passengers this way?" Susie huffed.

"Sorry, but I've a living to make, and I've been caught out too often."

"You should be ashamed of yourself, putting money first. Taxi drivers are supposed to be knights of the road, and this a dire emergency, isn't it, Denise?"

"It certainly is, Susie. We have to do gran's shopping, Mr Cabby; she's been living on pot noodles and cuppa soup for a week."

"And sharing the cat's food, I shouldn't wonder."

"Don't say that, Susie."

"It's true, Denise, and there's something else they have in common."

"It isn't gran's fault - you know she can't get up if she sits down. Anyway, not all of it sprays on the floor."

"But she leaves it to soak in - you could grow mushrooms on that rug. And her lav's a stranger to Harpic and Toilet Duck."

"It's difficult for her."

"She's no excuse - the commode stands there unsplashed. What a waste of a Christmas present."

"Not entirely, Susie - it saves her a long walk to the garbage chute."

"Which is another thing about her that's totally unhygienic."

"Gran has to put the rubbish somewhere."

"She could do what everyone else does and throw it out of the window, instead of letting things pile up to the ceiling."

"Old folk like to cling on to the familiar. You have to expect a certain amount of granny clutter at that age."

"She is granny clutter, Denise; you can't defend her. The flat's a pig sty, and she's sprawled out on the sofa, a bag of rags, wallowing in it."

"We can't turn our backs on her, Susie; blood's thicker than urine. She is family, after all."

"Stepfamily, Denise - we're acting above and beyond the call of duty. She's blighting our young lives. What do you think of that, Mr Crabby, now you know the whole sordid story?"

"You should get her to ask social services for help."

"We've tried, but she's too proud," we laughed.

"Flipping kids!" the driver exploded. "I almost believed your pack of lies."

"Don't blow your top - we did it for your own good," Susie grinned. "You were in danger of nodding off."

"And now you're wide awake - aren't you even a little bit grateful?"

"No, you're a pair of right bloody nuisances."

"Little scallywags - that's what we are, Susie."

"We'll have to spank each other's bottoms, Denise."

"They're a blot on the landscape, Susie."

"A veritable eyesore, Denise." We craned our necks and looked up at the five grey concrete blocks thrusting skyward. "And I bet the lifts aren't working."

"Here we are - the Royal Park Estate - otherwise known as the Hand of Gory," the taxi-driver announced, as we came to a halt on the forecourt.

"After you, Denise."

I jumped out and held open the door for Susie.

"Not so fast - money first."

"We won't be long - wait for us."

"Don't try that old trick."

"We'll leave you our hats."

"Give over - I wouldn't hang around here anyway. Twenty-pounds, please."

"We should get half fare," Susie protested. "We're only fourteen and lightweight. You must have saved a bomb on petrol."

"Twenty-pounds, and no haggling. I have to return empty; it's the law."

"Not if you wait - we want to go on to North Station and then home."

"I should be on double time by now. Sixty pounds in cash, or I'm off to my bed."

"Your attitude leaves a lot to be desired. No wonder people talk behind your back." Susie threw a twenty onto the front seat. "It's daylight robbery - on your way, Dick Turpin." She jumped out, slammed the door behind her, and slapped the taxi away. "Hi-ho, Black Beauty!"

"Come on, you've had the last word. Let's get on with the job while no one's about."

"I'm right behind you, Jeffrey, and raring to go."

"Just for the record, it was Black Bess."

"Then giddy-up!"

We whacked ourselves on the hindquarters and trotted off towards the middle finger.

"Watch out, Susie, here come two more tourists."

We pranced round a 4X4, pulling up outside the fire-blackened entrance, and started up the steps.

"The men in that car were an odd couple, Jeffrey, and they were taking an unhealthy interest in us. I didn't care for the look of Little and Large."

"That isn't all I didn't care for about them, Susie." I pushed open the door and we hurried into the hall. "The fellow in the driver's seat had a sleeve like an ice rink."

"And a moustache like Becher's Brook - not a happy companion for a runny nose."

"His passenger lacked an ear. Does that ring any bells, Susie?"

"Alarm ones, Jeffrey."

"Then hurry up, the stairs are this way."

"Aren't we even going to try the lift?"

"We don't want to get trapped in there. The lugless one is coming in after us."

"But it's at least twenty flights, Jeffrey."

"All the better, Susie, we'll take them at a run, and if he follows us, he'll be shattered by the time we get to the top. He's a big man, but he's out of condition ... I hope."

"For an intellectual, Jeffrey, your plans always involve a lot of physical effort."

"Save your breath, Susie, and let's assault the dancers, two steps at time."

"Here we go, Jeffrey," she whooped, leaping ahead of me. "This is where the adventure really begins."

 

Chapter 101

"I haven't heard any wheezing since the tenth floor, Susie."

"Our lightning ascent's worked, Jeffrey - it's buggered the infirm hulk."

"Don't stop - he could have decided to hitch a ride in the lift."

"I wonder what aroused his interest; he doesn't know us from Eve."

"They may be checking on any strangers. Let's not waste time speculating, and be in and out like a dog at fair."

"As your granddad would say."

"You guessed it, Susie."

Five flights later, like Moses of old, we looked this way and that way, and, seeing no man, we skipped along the passage to Bert's penthouse.

"How about them apples, Jeffrey? I matched you two step for two step to the very top, and I'm still as fresh as a daisy."

"You're in fine fettle, Susie. Your dad will be mightily impressed when I tell him about it."

"Better not, Jeffrey, he'd only want more details. Say I kept up with you on a twenty mile bike ride."

"Understood, Susie," I nodded, as we arrived at the peeling green door of 22-A. "And I won't mention your courageous python handling either."

"It shouldn't come to that if the ticket's still where Ernie put it."

"I hope that's one thing he made a proper job of; I wouldn't want to search Monty's premises. I've no urge to charm a snake."

"If necessary, we'll take an end each and see how things unfurl."

"All that fuss over what to wear, and we didn't think to bring a pair of rubber gloves."

"Well, it's too late now - open the box, and let's find the secret this place is keeping."

I turned the key and eased open the door. "Ooohh, hold on! It's topsy-turvy land in here - everything's upside down. We may not be Bert's only visitors."

"Yoo-hoo, anybody in?" Susie called over my shoulder. "We're making just a brief call to share an important message with you."

I edged forward. "Can we come in?"

"Don't bother tidying up - we're living in the last days."

There was still no reply. "I think we're alone, Susie - or you've driven them into hiding."

We tiptoed further into the flat and contemplated the scene. "What do you make of it, Jeffrey?"

"Either Bert isn't too house-proud or someone's beaten us to it, Susie."

"This dump's in almost a bad a state as your bedroom, Jeffrey."

"I haven't ripped the bottom out of my furniture, and all my drawers are where they should be."

"Whoever's been here has left no carpet tile unturned. I wonder if they found what we're looking for."

"I don't think so, Susie." Occupying pride of place, undisturbed, on the centre of a table sat a large wood and glass cage containing a multi-coiled, giant python. "It seems they weren't tempted by the snake."

"I don't blame them. I wouldn't like to fight Monty for his breakfast. After you, Jeffrey."

"You're the biologist."

We took each other by the hand, before cautiously approaching the slumbering, green and yellow monster.

Susie bent over and took a closer look. "It's not moving at all - it doesn't even seem to be breathing."

"Maybe it's torpid. I wonder if Monty's had anything to eat since the monkey."

"It could be dead - there's a funny smell in the air. Do you want to give it a poke, Jeffrey?"

"Not especially, Susie - we should get what we came for and let sleeping snakes lie."

"Okay, ease up the ..."

"Whit are you lassies doing over there?"

"Oooooohhhhh!"

We spun around to be confronted by a tartan-bedecked ogre filling the doorway.

"Jings, ma boab, you gave us a fright," I gasped.

"Hoots, mon, there's a moose loose aboot this hoose," Susie exclaimed.

"Are you, Sassenachs, trying to be funny?"

"Crivenns, no," I apologised.

"We're as Irish as you are on our mother's side," Susie grinned.

"You'll be laughing the other side of your faces when I've finished with you. Stay there," Jock the Brute ordered, and turned his attention to the chaos in the room. "What the hell," he muttered, running his hand through a jet-black quiff that could have capsized the Poseidon.

"How's the profiling going?" I whispered.

"In layman's language - he's a one-eared, Scottish, fat Elvis chewing on a wasp."

"I hope we can persuade him to leave the building. I have the feeling he wouldn't think twice about pushing his granny off the bus - or out of the window."

Our ominous visitor finished his survey of the damage and glared across at us.

"Can we help you, sir?" Susie smiled.

"You're the ones who'll need help," Lugless Douglas threatened. "I've caught you in the act."

"It's your own fault - you should have knocked."

"I live here."

"Ah, that puts a different complexion on the matter." Susie gave him her severest look. "You're, Albert Longbottom, I presume."

"Never you mind," he rasped. "You'd better have a good explanation for breaking into my flat. Did you make this mess?"

"We've only just arrived. You know that - you followed us up."

"And a good job, I did. Whit's your game?"

Susie solemnly nodded in my direction. "You were right; this gentleman fits the description, and he's behaving very suspiciously."

"I'd say he has a lot of explaining to do."

"Whit do you mean?" Lugless snorted. "Just who the hell are you?"

Susie drew herself up to her full height and grasped her fluorescent lapels. "We're from the RSPCA, 69th Precinct, working out of Herpetology, and we've been detailed to investigate the living conditions of this snake."

"We've had an anonymous tip-off on Pet Line. You could be in big trouble if we find evidence of cruelty or neglect," I advised.

"Yer aff yer heids."

"All we want are the facts, mon - nothing but the facts," Susie declared.

Lugless's eyes narrowed. "You're nae but slips of girls, and I dinnae see any uniforms."

"We're plain clothes officers from the special branch," Susie retorted. "Undercover angels on special assignment - that's what we are."

"But we show no mercy to wrongdoers who can't produce the requisite paperwork," I warned.

"This could turn out to be a very serious case. Python smuggling carries a ten-year sentence. I hope for your sake Monty's documents are in order."

"We'd like to inspect them immediately - where are they?"

The earless one was temporarily nonplussed. "Everything's upside down; it'll have to wait till later. I want to ..."

"This is a matter of some urgency - go and dig them out," Susie ordered. "We'll start with its passport."

"For a snake?"

"It isn't a native species. If you can't produce a fully stamped passport, you're in breach of the Wild Animal Act, paragraph 6, subsection 28."

"I dinnae know what you're talking about, and neither do you."

"Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Are you ready with your notebook, Officer Denise?"

"Aye, aye, Captain Susie," I saluted.

"Then lick your pencil, Officer Denise - we've an illegal immigrant on our hands."

"And maybe even the Mr Big behind the snake trafficking racket, Captain Susie."

"We've got him bang to rights, Officer Denise."

"Stop this bloody nonsense, before I lose ma rag."

"If you won't cooperate, we'll have to call in the police."

"We'll see about that." Lugless Douglas closed the door behind him and shambled forward. "It's your move, girls."

We backtracked and retreated behind Monty.

"Here's an initiative test for you, Officer Denise. What's the correct procedure in a situation like this?"

"We should give the suspect a last chance to produce the goods, Captain Susie. Our first duty is to take care of Monty's welfare; he looks long overdue a feed."

"Thank you, Officer Denise, for reminding me of our priorities. Up with the top, and let the python see the rabbit."

"Aye-aye, Captain Susie, but take care, the snake may be lying doggo - his kind can strike in a trice."

Lugless stopped in his tracks. "You're not going to get it out, are you? He's bigger than you are."

"Don't worry we're professionals - we do this every day. Pass me the bunny, Officer Denise."

"I thought you'd brought it, Captain Susie."

"Bugger, there's been a breakdown in communication. You, Bertie Bott, don't just stand there, go and see if there's a rat in the fridge, while we examine the cage for housing infringements."

"Dinnae Bertie me and dinnae give me orders. And leave the bloody snake alone. I take good care of him - he's had his dinner."

"Note that down in triplicate, Officer Denise."

"Quit arsing around - I've some questions for you."

"All in good time - we haven't finished yet. Where's the monkey?"

"The what?"

"Mickey, the missing monkey," Susie glared. "He's registered as living here, and he hasn't been seen for a week."

"You're bloody bananas! This isn't a zoo - there's no bleeding monkey."

"I've a bad feeling about this, Officer Denise; that snake has the smug look of someone who's consumed his evolutionary superior."

"You're right, Captain Susie; this may be a case for the boys from monkicide. We should check the back of Monty's cage for a little red fez."

"I've had enough of your blether." Lugless banged his fist on the table. "You're the only monkeys around here."

"Don't come the Charlie Cleverkilt with us; it'll only get you in more trouble," Susie threatened. "Eating primates is wrong - it's tantamount to cannibalism."

"I haven't ate your minging monkey. And my name's not Charlie."

"Calm down, Dougie, and fetch us a towel from the kitchen," Susie instructed. "This may be a messy business if Mickey's remains are still in there."

"Get your own ... Hey, how do you know my name is Dougie?"

"You're on our files," I cautioned him. "We have access to everyone's personal details. The RSPCA is omniscient."

"And omnipotent - we have the power to arrest. Now, move it, chummy, before Officer Denise reads you your rights."

Dougie slipped his hand under his coat. "I'll show you ma rights," he grimaced.

"Don't do anything rash, sir," I frowned, "or you could end up on the pet offenders register."

"I'll take that chance."

"I wouldn't if I were you," Susie warned. "The RSPCA are unrelenting in revenging their own - and they have some really big dogs at their disposal."

Dougie hesitated, a crafty smile flitted across his face, and he took a step backwards. "Och aye, we'll do it your way, girlies."

"That's better - you've decided to cooperate, have you?"

"I'm always one to please the ladies," he leered, before turning away and retreating into the kitchen.

"Now's our chance," Susie whispered. "Get delving - I'll keep you covered."

I lifted the rear flap of the cage, and there, stuck to the inside by a piece of chewing gum, hung Ernie's winning ticket.

"Uuuggh!"

"Have you touched the snake?"

"No, something equally icky, but I've got what we came for." I carefully freed the card and tucked it in my jeans.

"Now, all we have to do is make our excuses and leave."

"I think it'd be prudent to forego any more banter and just run for it, Susie," I murmured, starting towards the door.

"Not so fast!" Dougie stomped back into the room. "What was that you snaffled?"

"Nothing - Mickey's been completely digested, hat and all. I didn't even manage to recover his little silver bell."

"Dinnae give me that - I watched you fiddling around back there."

"We were seeing if Monty's egg bound; he might have been wrongly sexed. It's tricky to tell in some cases, but Officer Denise has extensive experience in the field."

"Give it a rest," he snarled. "D'ye think I came doon with the rain? You didnae fool me for a minute with your RSPCA crap."

"Yes, we did," Susie smirked. "We had you shitting bricks. But you can relax now, we're on our way."

"Shut your clack and listen to me. That bawbag, Longbottom, sent you here to pick up something, and you're not leaving until I find out what it is."

"You've got your jockstrap crossed; we're not working for Longbottom."

"Who are you, then - Santini's girls?"

"Do we sound Italian, chuck?" Susie scoffed.

"Don't try and be clever. You're just the sort he has manning his ice-cream vans."

"We're not anyone's sort," I protested. "And we're too young to drive."

"And we've never sold a ninety-niner in our lives - you've got the wrong end of the flake."

"Then you've no protection, and I've nothing to worry about." Dougie sneered. "This is your last warning - hand it over, my bonnie wee lassie, or you'll be making the acquaintance of the blind barber."

"Who's that - your driver?"

"No, my friend here." With a grim smile, he whipped out a cut-throat razor from an inside pocket and began stropping it on his sleeve.

"Be careful where you scratch with that in your hand," Susie warned. "You could have another nasty accident."

"It won't be me who's having the accident," Lugless growled. "You're going to find out why no one likes me, and I dinnae care."

"You shouldn't be so down on yourself; it's psychologically damaging. I'm an expert in these things, and I sense there's a real nice guy struggling to get out from underneath all that tartan."

"How wrong you are. You've picked a fight with the bodyguard of the hardest man in Glasgow."

"What are you doing so far from home - are you on holiday with him?"

"No, we had a falling out, and he was killed by person or persons unknown."

"I don't see a twinkle in the ex-minder's eye, Susie; I'm afraid he means business."

"How right you are. We'll start with a haircut, and let's all hope we can avoid further unpleasantness - my shirt's clean on."

"This is no way for a Scottish gentleman to behave," Susie scolded. "Can't we at least preserve the decencies of debate?"

"Sweeney will do my talking for me." Dougie lunged forward and slashed the air with his weapon.

"You would buy those magic beans, Denise. I warned you it'd lead to trouble."

"We should have thought twice about coming up here and rising below our station, Susie."

"It's too late now - the giant's really got the hump."

"Maybe we should oblige old Blunderbore," I gulped, as we edged back along the table.

"It looks like there's only one way out, Denise. We'll have to curtsy to the inevitable."

"Then give it here," Dougie hissed. "You know what I want."

"Of course we do - your date's expecting you." Susie threw back the lid of the cage and seized the snake behind the head. "Grab where a leg should be, Denise."

"Uncoil him, Susie," I cried, pulling on Monty's tail.

We separated and strung out the python between us.

"Ready, Denise - let the rat have the snake."

"Keep that thing away from me!" For a big man, Dougie let out a surprisingly high-pitched, hamster squeak of horror.

"You're nothing but a big Jessie," Susie jeered, as he shied away. "Give him the full Monty, Denise."

"One, two, three, Susie."

We swung the python like a skipping rope and hurled it at Dougie.

"Wrap yourself around his neck, boy."

"Squeeze, Monty, squeeze!"

"Aaaaaaarrrgh!" Lugless threw up his hands, the razor went flying, and he stumbled backwards over the sofa, with the snake writhing on top of him. "Get the bloody thing off me!"

"Goodbye, Dougie, we must leave you," we yelled, and dashed past the entwined lovers. "Lang may yer lum reek!"

"Heeeeeeeeelp!"

"Don't panic, we'll call the RSPCA," we laughed, slamming the door behind us.

"We nearly had a close shave there, Susie," I exclaimed, as we dashed down the passage.

"The cheek of the bugger, Jeffrey - threatening our crowning glories. He's definitely not getting his mitts on the money."

"Then we'd better move it." At the top of the stairs, I dived for the handrails. "Follow my lead, Susie," I cried, swinging down the stairs, six steps at a time. "That's the way to do it."

"Wheeeeeeeee! This is exciting, Jeffrey - better than the Big One."

We'd reached the second floor landing, when we heard a panicky voice echoing up from below.

"They're coming, Dougie. What should I do?"

"It's the driver from the car, Jeffrey; he's on his mobile, getting orders from above."

"We'd better find an alternative route, Susie; he may be another one who's armed and dangerous."

"Onto the balcony, Jeffrey, we can use the fire escape."

We rushed out, and looked across at the narrow iron steps. "I don't fancy it, Susie; we'll be worse off than we are now if he's waiting at the bottom. We need a diversion."

"How about this?" Susie indicated a magnificently sculpted window box, full of empty beer cans, perched precariously on the parapet.

I peered down into the courtyard. "It's directly over their car. We can bounce an extra passenger on them; that should get his attention."

"What are we waiting for? 1 - 2 - 3 - shove!"

"It's teetering."

"Again!"

"Uuuuhhhh!"

"Uuuuhhhh!"

We gave one last heave, and gravity took over.

"There she goes!"

The box toppled over the edge and somersaulted down.

"Bombs away!"

"It's bang on target!"

Craaaaasssshhhhhhhhhh!

The 4X4 bounced on its wheels as our missile struck, caving in the roof above the driver's seat.

"Bull's-eye, Jeffrey! That's buckled their steering wheel."

"They'll be going home on the bus, Susie."

"It serves them jolly well right - pity about the window-box, though. It was probably someone's pride and joy."

"Look what they made it from - no wonder it had such an impact."

The shattered cement casing of the upturned planter revealed its humble origin.

"Ah, Jeffrey, do you know what we've done?"

"Yes, Susie, we've thrown in the kitchen sink."

"And we're not half finished - I hope we haven't peaked too early."

"It may have been overkill, but it's got Charlie's attention."

"You bloody lunatics!" Dougie's henchman raged up at us, shaking his fist. "You'll pay for that - just you wait!"

He rushed back inside and began climbing the stairs.

"This hasn't worked out as we hoped, Jeffrey He hasn't been diverted - quite the opposite."

"It's time for plan B, Susie. Come on, we'll put our rubbish into the chute."

We dashed down the passage and skidded to a halt at the hole in the wall.

"After you, Jeffrey."

I jumped in feet first. "Let's hope the bin men haven't bin, and we make a soft landing."

"Off you go."

"Whhhhoooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"I'm right behind you."

"Whhhhoooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Sppplllluuuusshhh!

"Oooooooooffffffff!"

"Touchdown, Susie!"

Sppplllluuuusshhh!

"Oooooooooffffffff!"

"Where are we, Jeffrey? Someone's turned out the lights."

"I'm doing the breaststroke in a giant wheelie bin full of stinking garbage, Susie."

"Ditto, Jeffrey. Ernie's going to get my dry-cleaning bill - first time on, and my outfit's ruined."

I swung out over the edge of the container and lowered myself to the ground.

"Hurry up, the door's over there."

Susie dropped down beside me. "Ah, what was that?"

"Rats - there's never a python around when you need one."

"After me, Jeffrey, I don't want them running up the legs of my kecks."

"That'll teach you not to wear flares."

"This is no time for fashion lessons - let's get away from here before Dougie can say razor."

We wheelied out of the bin room and emerged into the fresh air at the back of the building.

"There's no sign of anyone, Susie; we've given them the slip."

"That's a bit of luck, Jeffrey; we can make a dirty, clean getaway."

"We've a good start, Susie, but they'll soon be hot on our tail. They won't give up on a quarter of a million, genuine or not."

"And they know we've got what they want. Things may get a little hectic from here on in."

"We can present Ernie with his ticket and call it a day if you like, Susie. We've done more than our fair share."

"I wouldn't think of it, Jeffrey - not now my adrenaline's pumping and we're hot on the trail of the MacGuffin."

"Okay, Susie, North Station, next stop - and we'll give them a run for their money."

 

Chapter 102

"What's that pong, Jeffrey? An eggy fart seems to be following me everywhere."

"The seat of your pants is covered in some sort of multi-coloured gunge, Susie. It's pretty unsightly. I hope that leather's waterproof."

"They're not the real thing, Jeffrey. Brush the crap off before it seeps through."

"Actually, Susie, it's more of a jet wash they need."

Susie twisted around to inspect the mess. "Uuugh, you're right - I wouldn't want to risk sitting down in them."

"Mine are slightly damp as well."

"We both need a complete change. The first chance we get, we'll ditch our tomboy personas and make a fresh start."

"I can feel a skirt coming on."

"The skirtier the better - outfits to outwit our pursuers are what we need."

"Okay, as long as they're sensible skirts. I'm not wearing anything super tight; I don't want to inhibit my athletic ability."

"I'm with you there, Jeffrey. I've made up my mind we'll land on the station, pass 'Go', and collect the monopoly money. That'll teach the mad Scottish bugger a lesson. Are you up for it?"

"I'll be following in your footsteps, as always, Susie. But just for once, I would have liked to arrive home in the same clothes I went out in."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Jeffrey?"

I looked over the fence into the back garden. "No, Susie - stealing from a clothesline is a bit iffy for me."

"We'll never get a better chance. They could have been made to order, and they'll be the perfect disguise."

"I'm not sure about that, Susie; they're designed to attract attention. So much so, I could end up a snippet in the local paper."

"Only if you get caught, poppet, and it isn't as if you're pinching women's underwear."

"I'd rather not if you don't mind."

"Stay there, then." Susie hopped over the fence. "I'll risk my spotless reputation."

"You be careful - remember what happened the last time you made an unauthorised entry."

"There's hide nor hair of a dog, scaredy cat," Susie mocked, and sneaked off across the garden.

"Keep your head down," I warned, as she reached up to unpeg the clothes. "Someone might see you."

"Don't be daft, Jeffrey - I'm not blooming Elastic Lass."

"Get a move on, will you - I'm all of a flutter."

"Job done." Susie collared the last item and sauntered back with our new attire. "Easy-peasy," she smirked, "the curtains were drawn."

"Woof, woof!" I barked. "Woof, woof, woof!"

"Ooohh, Jiminy!" Susie put on a spurt. "Hands to the pump, Jeffrey," she cried, vaulting to safety.

"What's the matter, Susikins," I laughed, "afraid of the big bad woof?"

"That wasn't funny, Jeffrey. You'll be giving me dogophobia."

"Cynophobia, Susie."

"Fear of the Chinese?"

"That's Sinophobia."

"I know - ask me another."

"Cynophobia ..."

"You just said that."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"Cynophobia is the fear of dogs, and Sinophobia is the fear of the Chinese. They're two entirely different things."

"You can't have it both ways, Jeffrey. Unless it's the fear of Pekinese."

"One's cynophobia - as in cynic - doglike, and the other's ..."

"Don't try and confuse matters, Jeffrey - I know my philias and phobias. Gynophilia - that's your love of Pinky and Perky."

"Gynophilia is the love of women - mastophilia is the love of breasts."

"Are you sure that isn't love of self-love?"

"This is getting us nowhere."

"I agree - it's all Greek to me. Indulge your frillophilia and jump into this."

I caught the ruffled ra-ra skirt Susie threw across, and held it against my waist. "Aren't they a little young for us - and short? Maybe we should smell and bear our grunge look."

"I thought you couldn't wait to prance around in one of these."

"Not when I'm being pursued by a weapon wielding Rob Roy."

"We've lost him, Jeffrey, and if you want him to stay lost, put it on. I'm prepared to wear one in public, so you should have no qualms about it."

I took off my jeans and slipped into the skirt. "It's worse than I thought," I moaned. "Look at the amount of thigh I'm exposing, and I dread to think what I'm displaying at the rear."

"Quit griping, and get into the rest of the gear."

"But I'll be walking the streets dressed as a cheerleader, and a Lolitaish one at that."

"So will I - that should be incentive enough for you."

I pulled on the blue, puffy-sleeved top and tucked it into the red skirt. "Well, I shan't be doing any cartwheels," I muttered. "This is too risque."

"It suits, and I like to see Denise displaying a flash of bottom."

"You and your pygophilia."

"Don't start that again. Dumb down and think cheerleader thoughts."

"Okay, but do I have to carry the pom-poms?"

"Yes, they're an essential part of the ensemble. Slip them over your wrists."

"I'm sure this isn't a good idea," I moaned. "We've no pockets now - where are we going to put the ticket?"

"In your rucksack or my bag."

"I don't want to take any risks; they could easily get snatched."

"Then keep it close to your chest with your emergency money."

"It might have snake juice on it - Pinky and Perky will be nervous."

"It's only a piece of paper, not an asp."

I hesitantly stuffed the ticket down my top. "Don't worry, boys, I'll bathe you in ass's milk after this."

"You'll be doing a vent act next, Jeffrey - leave them alone."

"Gottle of geer, gottle of geer."

"Give over."

"Hello, Susie, hello, Susie."

"Enough, Jeffrey, it's time we were on our way." Susie threw her old clothes over the fence. "Are you ready to go?"

"Just a minute - I feel guilty about this. These are really nice outfits; we may be breaking some poor girls' hearts."

"We're leaving our stuff in return; they'll have the best of the bargain."

I slipped a twenty-pound note into my jeans before tossing them on top of Susie's. "That'll pay for the cleaning."

"You're too honest for our own good, Jeffrey. This treasure hunt is going to leave us well out of pocket."

"I'm paying, Susie; Ernie is my responsibility."

"We're going Dutch, Jeffrey; I wouldn't have it otherwise. All expenses will come out of our joint account."

"That's big of you, Susie. Should I add another twenty?"

"No - don't throw any more of my money away. They've already got two pairs of my pants."

"How about ten?"

"They can have our caps as a bonus. We'll let our hair down, and then we'll be totally unrecognisable."

"Only from half a mile and in a fog."

"Don't be so negative, Jeffrey. My switch from bright orange to baby-blue will totally confuse our adversaries."

"Not after they take a second look, and we'll get plenty of those, believe you me. We're a pair of cynosures."

"You're at it again. You couldn't resist working that in - whatever it means."

"Cynosure - the centre of attention - a guide, the Pole Star - literally, the dog's leg."

"I don't wish to know about dogs' legs and poles, Jeffrey."

"It's your fault, Susie; the higher my hem line, the more erudite I feel compelled to be. And I was making a serious point - Dougie and Charlie are certain to be patrolling the streets looking for us."

"Well, cynosures or not, I'm fully prepared for all eventualities. We've already demolished their car, and I've plenty more tricks up my sleeve. I've watched all mum's MacGyver DVDs."

"Where's your Swiss army knife, then?"

"Standing alongside me, Jeffrey - which way is your compass pointing."

"South by southeast - to Dayton station. We'll get the train from there to Shoreham North."

"Good thinking, Jeffrey - we'll arrive behind the enemy lines and take them completely by surprise."

"I hope you're being overly dramatic, Susie."

"Never underestimate the opposition, Jeffrey; you could learn a lot from MacGyver about special operations."

"We're one up on him with the kitchen sink trick."

"So we are, Jeffrey, but we mustn't rest on our laurels; there may be stiffer challenges ahead."

"You're just itching for some more action, aren't you, Susie?"

"Not now I've got rid of those stupid, fake leather pants."

"Trousers can be inhibiting - I'm feeling a welcome breath of fresh air too."

"Where have they hidden all the bus stops, Jeffrey?"

"There'll be one along in a minute."

"If it's not bike, bike, bike with you, it's hike, hike, hike."

"It may soon be sprint, sprint, sprint, Susie. Don't look now, but a fearsome face has appeared on the horizon."

"Lugless Douglas!"

"I told you not to look."

"It's too late, Jeffrey; he's seen us."

"This is going to put your 'inconspicuous by being conspicuous' to the test."

"You have to admit it's good running kit, though. You can really open your legs in these skirts. I bet you could do the splits."

"We both may be doing the splits if the crazy razor-man catches up with us. I wish you'd focus on our immediate problems, Susie."

"What's that he's pulling, Jeffrey?"

"Oh sugar! The RSPCA aren't the only ones with big dogs at their disposal. Dougie's enlisted a Hound of the Baskervilles to help with the hunt."

Lugless dragged the huge beast away from the remnants of a tree and pointed it in our direction.

"That's one colossal canine, Jeffrey."

"And more than a trifle boisterous - it's straining at its leash."

"Do you think he found our clothes and put the brute on our scent?"

"We'll soon find out - he's letting it loose."

"Sic 'em, Spike! Tear 'em limb from limb!"

The hound growled menacingly, and, with a kick up the backside, Dougie sent it pounding towards us.

"Here comes another one, Jeffrey. It was your woof-woofing and cyno-babble that tempted fate, so I'm relying on you for a bright idea."

"Suddenly opening a multi-coloured umbrella in a dog's face is said to have a deterrent effect."

"Be practical, Jeffrey."

"Failing that, you could have another go with your psychology, Susie. It might be third time lucky."

"This isn't a suitable subject - it's too primitive."

"Then try saying 'good doggie' until I find a big rock."

Susie threw up her arm. "Stay! Good doggie! Stay!" The beast answered with a snarl and galloped on. "It's not working, Jeffrey. Hurry up and think of something."

"How would MacGyver and his duct tape deal with this situation, Susie?"

"You can be a knight irritant, Jeffrey. Come on, let's find a pole to climb."

"It's too late for that, Susie. Don't move - stand shoulder to shoulder with me until I give the word."

"I trust you know what you're doing, Jeffrey. It's hurtling towards us like an express train. We're up against an irresistible force this time."

"Then we'll try to arrange an emergency meeting with an immoveable object. Have a quick look at what's behind us."

"Got you, Jeffrey. I only hope it works because here it comes, and it's out for our throats."

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"Eyes front, Susie, and don't blink."

"You can rely on me, Jeffrey."

The dog ate up the remaining distance and from six feet away launched itself at us.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"Grab a leg Susie, and help him on his way."

We seized an outstretched forepaw each and, pivoting, pulled with all our might.

"Heave!"

"Ho!"

"Come by, Spike!"

"Ruff off, you bugger!"

We fell backwards, pull became push, and we released our grip, sending the dog into orbit.

"Ooooooffff!"

"Ooooooffff!"

We hit the ground together, and Spike flew on to meet his destiny.

Cluuuuuuuunnnnnnkk!

"Bang on target again, Susie."

Splaaaaattttttttttt!

"That's loosened his earwax."

Crraaaaaaacccckk!

"And something else."

We sprang to our feet in time to see Spike slide down the lamppost.

"We MacGyvered him, Jeffrey; that was a treat of a trick."

The dog gave a convulsive jerk and lay rigid on the pavement.

"I think you'll find the correct term is 'McGeed', Susie."

"Whatever - another hellhound didn't bite off more than it could chew."

"Our third in less than a fortnight."

"It's the old rule of three, Jeffrey."

"And our second broken neck."

"Something had better watch out, then."

"Here comes a promising candidate, Susie. We aren't finished yet."

The dog's laird and master was puffing his way towards us.

"He's a bandy beggar, Jeffrey; he couldn't stop a pig in a ginnel."

"And no marathon man, Susie; he's a face like a blood-orange. We won't need much of a start to stay out of his reach."

"We'll stand fast, Jeffrey. Let's not run unless we have to - it's so undignified."

Lugless arrived and slumped against the wall. "Whit happened to my bonny wee Spike?" he choked.

"He was caught short and kissed against a lamppost," Susie reported.

Dougie failed to grasp the seriousness of Spike's condition. "Don't just lie there, boy. Seize 'em!"

"Break it to him gently, Denise."

"We've some bad news for you, Dougie - Spike has taken early retirement from the attack dog business."

"Nooohh!" his distraught master wailed, and lashed out with a boot. "Get up, you daft mutt!"

"I'm afraid you're flogging a dead donkey," Susie lamented. "He's a deceased doggie, Dougie."

"Spike's kicked the bucket, and you're kicking a corpse."

"You heartless little bitches." Dougie staggered upright still panting for breath. "It was a miracle he survived your bombing, and now you've murdered him. I'll report you to the RSPCA."

"We are the RSPCA," Susie reminded him.

"And we're totally innocent," I protested.

"Of absolutely everything."

"You've been barking up the wrong tree from the very beginning."

"You haven't even been walking the right dog."

"Get yourself a cat," I advised. "They have nine lives."

"I canna replace Spike; he was my best friend," Dougie sobbed.

"I don't like to see a grown man cry, Denise."

"We should withdraw and leave him in peace to mourn his loved one's passing."

"I've nae time to grieve, and you're going nowhere." Dougie produced his other best friend. "We still have some unfinished business."

"Keep away from us, or our dad will come down on you from a great height - he's a red devil."

"A red beret, Susie."

"He'd be a devil to anyone who harmed his darling daughters, Denise."

"This time I really will take the risk." Dougie's blade glinted in the sunlight. "I want whatever it is you took from that flat," he snarled. "And I want it now."

"There's no reasoning with some people, Susie."

"He's got a cob on again, Denise."

Dougie lurched forward. "Give the bloody thing here!"

"Not over Spike's dead body. Awa 'n' raffle yer granny!"

"I'll raffle yer bloody heids!"

I grabbed Susie by the arm. "Your trying to disarm him by replying in the vernacular isn't working. Let's get out of here."

"Hold your puppies, Denise - the worm's squirming."

Dougie halted in mid-slash and twisted away. "I'll settle with you later," he spat, before raising a second wind from somewhere and hotfacing it down the road.

"Off you go - chop-chop!" Susie cried.

"What's the matter - was it something we said?" I called after him.

"You haven't seen the last of me," he shouted. "We'll meet again."

"When the fields are white with daises." Susie yelled, and hugged me around the waist as we watched Jock Flash disappear into the distance. "We've confounded our enemies yet again, Jeffrey."

"That was a welcome, but unexpected development, Susie. I wonder why Dogless Douglas suddenly decided to take the high road?"

"I saw fear in his eyes, Jeffrey; something scared the trews of him."

"Maybe it isn't all good news, Susie. I didn't hear an ice-cream van, so I wonder what sort of beast spooked the Lopsided Ness monster?"

 

Chapter 103

"One with a bigger, more lethal weapon, obviously, Jeffrey," Susie grinned, as a silver saloon pulled into the kerb alongside us. "I told you these were the right costumes; we've attracted a guardian angel."

"I hope it isn't a kerb-crawling one," I shuddered. "We'd better not be too effusive with our thanks, Susie; we don't want to send any wrong messages."

"You can show your appreciation by giving our knight in shining armour a wave of your pom-poms, Denise, but this time don't catch any fifty-pound notes that come flying your way."

I put my hands behind my back, stepped behind Susie, and peeked over her shoulder at the jowly, florid faced driver lowering his window.

"Can I help you, girls?"

"Only if you're a dog warden."

"Not quite, I'm Sergeant Basset, CID."

"I didn't think policemen cruised around in swish Mercedes."

"I'm off-duty, but you're right to be cautious. Here ..." He held out his warrant card for inspection.

Susie gave it a cursory glance. "It's easy to fake anything nowadays."

"Take a good look."

"Nicholas Basset, Sergeant - 729729. And I suppose it could be your photo - there's the same ginger widow's peak. Have you put on weight lately?"

"A little."

"A lot. Aren't policemen supposed to be able to run a four minute mile, carrying a truncheon and a riot shield?"

"Just check the card."

"We have, but it means nothing to us because we've never seen one before. We're law-abiding girls and follow the Ten Commandments - ask anyone at the Bible class."

"So, why aren't you in school?"

"It's dinner time. We forgot our kit, and we've been home to change for cheerleading practice this afternoon."

"You shouldn't be wandering these mean streets dressed like that. I'll give you a lift."

"Mother wouldn't approve; we prefer to walk. Thanks for the offer, but we have to be going."

"Not before you've answered a few questions. You can't leave a dead dog on the pavement."

"It's not ours."

"I've only your word for that. Wait there while I call up Street Clean."

He took out his phone, and we retreated for a private conference.

"Do you think he's for real?" Susie whispered.

"He certainly put the wind up Dougie; he couldn't get away fast enough. Sergeant Basset either uses a five-bladed razor, or he is a policeman."

"With a sharp-eyed look that could open oysters. Should we run for it?"

"We don't want to appear guilty. We'd better do what Lugless Douglas couldn't."

"Play it by ear, you mean."

"Exactly, Susie."

"Follow my meanderings, Jeffrey, here he comes."

Basset got out of his car, revealing himself to be as plushly upholstered as its interior, and ambled over to us. "I need a few particulars," he half-smiled, "just for the record."

"It's no use asking us," Susie declared. "Everything happened so fast, we don't know what happened - end of story. We're late for school - can we go now?"

"Not until you do better than that."

"I think the dog became overexcited and had a fit," I offered. "And the chap who vamoosed got ever so upset; he was completely cut up about it."

"He's the one you want to interview; he must be the owner."

"Then why did he leave?"

"Perhaps because he saw you coming," Susie suggested.

"And why would I alarm him?"

"He obviously has a guilty conscience; policemen can have that effect on people."

"But how did he know I'm a policeman?"

"His type has a sixth sense."

"What type is that?"

"A ne'er-do-well - they're on everything but roller skates around here."

"You seem well acquainted with his habits."

"We have a sixth sense too."

I nodded in agreement. "And upright citizens don't have a Japanese Tosa as a pet."

"Is that what it is?"

"I suppose it could be a Dogo Argentino. They're both banned."

"You seem very well informed."

"We've made a special study of dangerous dogs."

"We're going to be vets and enlist in the RSPCA," Susie beamed.

Sergeant Basset considered for a moment. "You look a pair of bright girls. So what could possibly bring a couple of prospective vets to this neck of the woods?"

"We've been visiting our uncle - he's flatbound."

"Name and address?"

"Bertram Longbottom, The Penthouse, Marie Antoinette Apartments," Susie solemnly intoned.

"Ah, one of the local gentry - now we're getting somewhere. This isn't the first mysterious incident you've witnessed today, is it?"

"We're young and innocent; we see wonder in everything."

"And eternity in an hour."

"How about thirty minutes ago and the miracle of the flattened 4X4 at your uncle's place?"

"We can't help you there; we're blissfully ignorant of any such goings-on," I smiled beatifically.

"It was right in front of the entrance; you could hardly have missed it."

"We ducked out the rear to avoid some unsavoury characters hanging around in the foyer. We were frightened they'd pinch our valuables."

"All right, we'll skip the car crash for now, and instead you can tell me what they would have found in your rucksack."

"Nothing at all." Susie slapped it flat against my back. "It's full of empty."

"Then why is she carrying it?"

"To bring our books home - we're vivacious readers."

"We may not look it at the moment," I blushed, "but we're a couple of inky swots in real life."

"You have to be if you want to be a vet."

"And what are your more immediate ambitions?"

"Why are you so interested in us?" Susie frowned. "We've done nothing wrong."

"Just doing my job - I like to keep track of any new faces." Basset paused and gave us another piercing stare. "And your presence around here is, shall we say, unusual."

"You're awfully suspicious for someone off-duty."

"I'm devoted to the job. And I don't want to end my career as a sergeant so I'm acting on my own initiative, following up on a little whisper I heard."

"About what?"

"Perhaps you can tell me - a lot of shady people hang around those tower blocks."

"We don't mix in that kind of company," Susie huffed. "We keep ourselves to ourselves. We don't know anyone there, apart from unky."

"Dougie Donnelly seems very interested in your movements."

"Who?"

"The man with the dog. He and Charlie Onions followed you into the flats, and they've been roaming the streets, looking for you ever since. I don't suppose you've something they want."

"Your Mr Donnelly is a man of a certain age. Our mum's warned us about his sort. Is that why you've been watching him?"

"I'm asking the questions, and it's time I had your names. You are?"

"I'm Sharon, and this is my sister Tracy."

"Longbottom?"

"Certainly not," Susie snorted. "We're from the apple-cheeked, aristocratic branch of the family."

"We're MacGuffins."

"You may be, Tracy, but I've reverted to Cholmondeley. Mother married beneath herself, and don't you forget it."

"I thought you favoured Beaumont, after gran."

"I've decided we're more your comely Cholmondeleys than beautiful Beaumonts."

"I'm staying a MacGuffin."

"You'll be letting the side down, Tracy; we're English muffins, not Irish stew."

"You're the one they'll take for a dog's breakfast, Sharon Chumley."

"It's Chol-mond-e-ley."

"No, it's not. Pe-o-ple don't pronounce it like that."

"Well, I do. Have you got it down right, Sergeant Basset? C-H-O ..."

"Never mind your change of name - why and where did you change your clothes? And let's have no more school stories."

"It's none of your business, but they're a present from Uncle Bert. We're his favourite nieces. He showers us with gifts, and we model them for him."

"He's a bit funny that way; he enjoys seeing us kiss each other."

"Shush, Tracy, what have I told you. That's our little secret - keep stumm, or you'll land unky in trouble."

"There's nothing peculiar about it, Sharon; I like dressing up and doing things with you."

"Not everyone would see it that way. And Uncle Bert has a reputation to maintain - he's a pillock of the community."

"Sorry, Sharon, I just thought we were bringing a little colour into his drab life."

Susie kissed me on the cheek. "You're a true innocent, Tracykins."

I returned her kiss. "We both are, Sharon."

"Now you've finished delighting unky and yourselves," Basset sneered, "where are you going?"

"The shops, and we have to get on. Uncle Bert will be wondering what's happened to his stout. He's having a flat-warming party with Wes, Des, and Olive McGuinness," Susie grinned.

"You're too young to buy alcohol - no off-licence would serve you."

"We're going to the chemist's - it's on prescription."

"He's perniciously anaemic," I explained. "We're his official carers, and we have a special dispensation."

"According to my information, your uncle's in Brazil. When did he come back?"

"This morning, after a nightmare 24 hour journey. Unky's dead beat, and the cupboard was bare, so he sent for me and Tracy to do his shopping."

"That's all we know, honest - can we go," I pleaded. "It's getting late, and Miss Prout's on playground duty. She fancies us something rotten and uses any excuse to keep us in detention."

"And she's very free with the slipper," Susie grimaced. "Our bottoms are permanently on fire."

"That's enough," Basset rasped. "You've had your fun, now I want the real story. The flat's been empty for months and still is. What were you doing there?"

"Feeding Monty - he's a snake - a great big python. He made us come all over goosefleshy. Tell him, Tracy."

"It gave me the heebie-jeebies, sergeant. The place had been trashed, and Monty was roaming free. He's ravenously hungry, so we didn't hang about. We still don't feel safe; he can slither at twenty miles an hour. We want to be on our way."

"You might want to be on your way as well, Mr Basset," Susie hinted. "Look over your shoulder - there's a bona fide bobby coming down the street."

Our inquisitor shot a quick glance back. "So you are telling the truth for once. We'll wait together, and maybe you'll be more cooperative with someone in uniform by my side."

"That suits us - we'll greet a real jolly policeman with open pom-poms," Susie smiled.

Another Sergeant, but this time one weighed down with all the trappings of office, and even more extra pounds, stepped over Spike. "Afternoon, Basset, what have we here?"

"You've arrived just in time, Tredwell; I've stumbled onto an unusual situation."

"A dead dog, eh, and a monster one at that. It's definitely not a suitable pet for young girls, and it's not on a lead."

"It's nothing to do with us," Susie protested. "We're innocent passers-by. The owner abandoned it when he saw Sergeant Basset."

"Ah, I'm making progress - you no longer doubt my identity."

"We were being wary of stranger danger. We know what's what - we're all there with our cough drops, aren't we Tracy?"

"It was like they warned about us at school," I trembled. "You spooked us, being out of uniform and in such a swanky car."

"You can't blame them, Basset," Tredwell smirked. "You're the only sergeant I know who drives a Mercedes."

"It's my one little luxury."

"Not so little," Tredwell laughed. "I wish I could afford one."

"It's a matter of working the overtime to your advantage."

"You plain clothes boys are a law unto yourselves."

"And we're too busy to bother with dead dogs - that's your department. You get on with it, Tredwell, while I interview these two."

"First things first - let's see if there are any means of identification." Tredwell bent down and pulled on the dogs collar. "What happened to its head? It's loose."

"The mad brute butted the lamppost. It's lucky we stepped aside just in time, isn't it, Tracy?"

"The beast scared us to death. It was in a frenzy and foaming at the mouth."

"Take care you don't get contaminated with the drool, sergeant," Susie warned. "Shouldn't you be wearing a biohazard suit?"

"I'm of the old school, Miss; I put duty first." Tredwell stood up and wiped his hands on his bottom. "We can't leave the animal in the gutter, Basset; it's a hazard to traffic. Help me move it off the road."

"I've called Street Clean - they're on the way."

"It'll still be decomposing here next week if we rely on them. Give me a hand - we can put it in your boot."

"It's not going in my car; it might have rabies or something."

"Typical, CID, avoiding the heavy lifting."

"I've enough on my plate; you're not lumbering me with the paperwork. It's your responsibility."

"I'm well aware of that, and it'll all be done by the book." He turned his attention to us. "Let's start with your names and addresses, girls."

"They're CID property, Tredwell. They have vital information concerning an ongoing case."

"That can wait; there's an unexplained death to be dealt with first."

"The dog's a minor matter, and nothing to do with them."

"They're important witnesses."

"And they're mine - don't interfere."

"Show some respect, Basset, I knew you when you had a bike and a quiff."

"I'm sorry, Tredwell, but this has to remain hush-hush."

"And it will, but I need their names and addresses." He extracted his notebook and nodded at us. "Right, girls."

"Sharon and Tracy ..."

I took Susie by the arm, and we edged away.

"... MacGuffin."

"Now!"

"Go for it!"

We hurdled the dog, and pom-poms pumping, raced across the road.

"Come back, I haven't finished with you!"

"Can't stop - we're late for school."

We made the opposite pavement, and I risked a look over my shoulder. "They're huffing and puffing, and blaming each other, but they aren't following, Susie."

"Thank God, for unfit policemen, Jeffrey."

"And unfit town planners." Between the buildings, our means of escape beckoned. "Into the entry, Susie, and we'll lose ourselves in the labyrinth. It'll be like Hampton Court, with all the avenues and alleyways."

We disappeared down the narrow passage and turned on the after-burners.

"We're real MacGuffins, now, Jeffrey, and I've a feeling the chase has only just begun."

"Don't worry, Susie, we were born to run."

"Beep-beep!"

"Choo-choo!"

 

Chapter 104

"Keep your eyes peeled for some more clothes blowing in the wind, Jeffrey."

"Forget that, Susie - we've enough people chasing us already. We'll have to stick with these for now."

"It's all right for you - you've only a mother, and not a pesky little brother to bother about. If I'm taken home in a police car dressed like this, Mikey will never let me live it down. He'll upload me in an instant and share my picture with all his friends."

"Then, we'll have to make sure we don't get caught. Faster, Susie, faster."

We slewed around another corner, paused to check the coast was clear, and sped on.

"You're loving this, Jeffrey," Susie panted, as I raised the pace yet again.

"So are you, Susie."

"But I'm not imagining I'm blooming Supergirl!"

"Oh - how did you guess?"

"Shouting 'Up, up, and away!' at every change of direction is a big clue."

"It's the costumes, Susie; they have the look. And there is a big letter 'S' on the blouses. All we need is a pair of capes - didn't you say they were the coming thing?"

"I'm having second thoughts about that, Jeffrey."

"I'm not. Up, up, and away!"

We finally emerged from the maze of back streets onto the main road.

"We're in the open, Jeffrey; I hope Sergeant Basset hasn't called out the search helicopter."

"He gave me the idea he's determined to keep this a strictly personal affair, Susie. We only need worry about steering clear of a big silver Mercedes."

"Call me old-fashioned, Jeffrey, but I'd have more faith in a policeman on a pushbike. I've a feeling Basset is a law unto himself."

"If he gets his hands on the money, I don't think he'll turn it into lost property. I'm sure he's planning to branch out on his own account."

"Judging by his car, he already has, but with a warrant card to flash under people's noses, Supergirls or not, it'll be hard to throw him off the scent."

"Then we'll have to lay a false trail, and here's our chance." Shoreham College lay up ahead, and the afternoon bell was ringing. "It's time we went back to school, just as we told the sergeant."

"And there's the perfect witness to mislead him - let's make an exhibition of ourselves, Jeffrey."

We dodged in between the honking traffic, before the lollipop lady had time to pick up her sign.

"Silly girls!" she shouted after us. "You nearly got run over. You should have waited for me."

"We're late, and you were gossiping on the phone, you old chatterbox," I yelled.

"I was not, you little madam."

"Give her a wave, Susie - make sure she remembers us."

"I'll report you to the headmistress!"

"She won't forget that in a hurry, Jeffrey."

With a final farewell gesture, we raced through the gates into the schoolyard.

"Come on, this way." I made for the gap between the railings and the hedge. "We can circle the playing fields without anyone seeing us."

As we skirted the netball courts, a troupe of girls, wearing identical uniforms to ours, appeared from the changing rooms.

"Our 'S' is for Shoreham, Jeffrey; that's a piece of luck. Basset will have his work cut out checking them all for MacGuffins."

We stifled a laugh and sped on to the far side of the grounds.

"So far, so good, Susie - what we need now is an escape route."

"And here it is, Jeffrey. Funny, how there's always a bent railing, isn't it? Somebody must be going around with a sledgehammer. It's not you, is it?"

"No, I'm the one who's going around with a nut. Bend down, monkey, and see if you can squeeze your giant posterior through there."

"Ouch, that was catty, Denise."

"Go on, I can't risk getting stuck, and having the fire brigade grease my bottom."

"Here goes. Uuuuhhh, uuuuhhh, uuuuhhh." With a final wiggle, Susie popped out the other side, straightened up, and looked back at the narrow gap. "Hey, maybe my bum isn't that big, after all."

"Or perhaps Heaven is full of rich men," I smiled.

"Let's see how you do, Jeffrey. Get jiggling, and be careful with Pinky and Perky."

"Breathe in boys." I tossed over my rucksack and struggled through.

"Now I'm sure my bottom isn't too big," Susie grinned.

"I'm glad we're finally agreed on that." I checked my rear, picked up my gear, and took in our new surroundings.

"Where are we, Jeffrey?"

"Not far from Dayton station; there's the railway bridge, past the traffic lights."

"And it's downhill all the way from here."

"Let's not count our fifties, Susie. We haven't only Sergeant Basset to worry about; Ernie's friends could still be on the prowl."

"That's another reason for a change of clothes, and this could be our best chance."

"I hope you don't mean the Co-op funeral parlour at the end of the street. I draw the line at a shroud."

"There's bound to be a charity shop round the corner. Come on, nothing expensive, and we'll try for a more grown-up look."

"Well, make it a pair of trouser suits. I'm not modelling another wedding dress; that would only attract undue attention."

"Don't you believe it, Jeffrey - in Shoreham, it's the favourite clubbing outfit for a Tracy."

"And a Sharon Chumly to you. We're not going shopping or to church. Let's concentrate on getting to the station on time."

I pulled Susie along too fast for her to argue, and we managed a hundred yard dash before our next surprise encounter.

"Whoa, Denise! You're misleading me into trouble again."

"Oooohhh! Best foot backwards, Susie."

We skidded to a halt as Charlie Onions leapt from the doorway of the undertaker's. "That's far enough, girls!"

"Bugger off, before I clout you one," Susie threatened, raising her fist.

Up close, it was even more apparent Charlie could have made the bench for Meerkats United. However he lacked their spunk and hastily retreated out of reach. "I've nabbed them, Dougie," he yelled into his mobile. "Quick, get over here - I'm still outside the ..."

"Put that down."

"You're too late," he gloated. "I saw you coming. Dougie will be here any minute, and then you're for it. Unless you'd like to slip me whatever it is you took from the flat."

"Out of the way," Susie ordered, "or we'll report you to Sergeant Basset, our friendly neighbourhood policeman."

"No, you won't - he's after you too. We saw you do a runner."

"And Basset's not far behind us. He knows all about you; he's on to your little game. You'd best skedaddle."

"I'm not worried about him, but you should be about Dougie. Violence is his first resort - he was a cage fighter."

"Well, we're no budgies - Quasimodo won't be ringing our bell."

"Don't let him hear you say that. He's got a screw loose, and he's already out for revenge after what you did to Spike. I'm waprning you - he'll cut off your ears and make you eat them."

"He'll have to catch us first."

"And he will, unless I help you. Give me what he wants, and I'll take him off on a mystery tour."

"We can do that ourselves. Come on, Denise."

"You won't get far; I'll be following in your footsteps."

"We can take care of that as well, Mr Smartypants."

"I'll teach you to cheek me; I'm telling Dougie you called him Quasimodo."

"Charlie boy's got my dander well and truly up, Denise. Are you ready for action?"

"Raring to go, Susie - my hackles have already risen."

"Right, there's no one about, let's deal with this tike the same way as we did Spike."

Charlie shrank into the wall. "They're threatening to break my neck," he shrieked into his phone. "Hurry up, Dougie."

"It's too late for him to save his Onions - you're doomed."

"Nooohh, please."

"He's not such a cheerful Charlie now, Susie. He's shaking in his slippers."

"I'm going to enjoy this, Denise. I love to hear the snap of vertebrae in the afternoon."

"You're bloody mad!" Charlie's eyes swivelled in their sockets, looking for an escape route. "Get away!"

"Homicidal twins of evil, that's what we are. Flex your fingers, Denise - it's time to check our customer's collar size."

"Leave me alone!" Charlie's nerve broke, and he turned to flee, but only his nose ran. "Aaaaaaarrrrrgh!" He stumbled over the wheelchair ramp, grabbing at the handrail for support as he fell.

"Funny time to do your ballet exercises, Denise."

"Oooooooooooooohhhhhhh." Charlie buckled at the knees and gracefully sank to the ground.

"Do you think he's rehearsing the Nutcracker?"

Susie bent down and relieved Charlie of his phone. "Could be - he's out cold, not a flicker."

"And we never even touched him. The threat was mightier than the execution."

"Our reputation goes before us, Jeffrey."

"He's no spring Onion, and a sharp knock on the noggin can have serious consequences, Susie - should we call an ambulance?"

"We'll leave him to the mad Scotsman's tender mercy. We've no time to cry over bopped Onions."

"I just hope he won't be a vegetable the rest of his life."

"Onions' onion hasn't a mark on it. He made a soft landing, and I've put him in the recovery position."

"He's still not moving; this could be our third broken neck. What if he's dead?"

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, that's easily taken care of." Susie folded Charlie's arms across his chest and rapped on the funeral parlour door. "Shop! Shop!"

"Sugar!"

"Language, Denise - what's got into you?"

"Lugless Douglas will be trying to - here he comes."

"I don't believe it!"

We stood and marvelled at the sight of an open-topped, open-doored 4x4 careering round the corner.

"It's almost as good as new, Susie; I wonder where they found a plumber at such short notice."

"The AA must be a bloody marvellous organisation, Jeffrey. Maybe we should consider joining - what do you think?"

"They'd be no help in this situation, Susie. Run!"

"Oooohhhhhh," Charlie moaned, as we trod on him in our haste to get away.

"What did I tell you, Jeffrey - he's alive and kicking. The jammy dodger's escaped the threefold curse."

"He should do the lottery this week, Susie."

 

Chapter 105

"It's over half-an-hour before the next train into Shoreham, Jeffrey." Susie looked up from googling on Charlie's mobile. "We'll need to be on our guard; that's a long time to hang about the station."

"We won't have to, Susie; luck's on our side again - sanctuary beckons."

"Where, Jeffrey?"

"Where else," I grinned. Over the road, on the left hand side, a bright orange sign welcomed those prepared to help themselves. "We'll disappear into B&Q."

"I might have known you'd get me there somehow."

"Don't worry, I won't be giving you a guided tour of fixings and fasteners."

"It's still another of many diversions; we never seem to go from A to B in a straight line."

"This is on our way; the station's right behind B&Q. We'll sit in a conservatory for half an hour and then exit by the rear entrance."

We crossed the carpark in double quick time and, after a last check behind, raced through the doors into the giant store.

"They're nowhere in sight, Jeffrey. Our sprint did for them. Let's compose ourselves and get our breath back."

We slowed to a walk, but not before we'd attracted the attention of security.

"No running in the aisles, girls. This isn't an adventure playground."

"Sorry," Susie apologised, "but we're on an urgent dad hunt. He's gone missing on our expedition to the luxury kitchens."

"Mum sent us to bring him back alive - she's distraught."

"She needs his gold credit card."

"We think he sneaked off to check out the ride-on mowers. The gardening stuff's down the other end, isn't it?"

"That's right - straight ahead and turn left at the gnomes for tools and equipment."

"Thank you, sir. We'd better hurry, or mum will think she's lost us as well."

"Off you go, and walk don't run."

"We'll promenade," Susie promised. We gave him a farewell curtsy and strolled off arm in arm.

"What does this remind you of, Susie?" I smiled, as we passed under the rose arches and between an honour guard of fishing gnomes.

"We're not getting married at B&Q."

"It's not such an idle fancy. Some people find these kind of places strangely romantic."

"One of them may be following us."

"And they do their own wedding lists - a garden shed is many a couple's number one choice."

"Pay attention, Denise, we've attracted an admirer."

I looked around and saw a young lad casting furtive glances in our direction. "He's giving us the eye."

"Give it back, and shake your pom-poms. He may prove a useful ally in an emergency."

"You do it, then."

"I'm not a tease."

"You tease me."

"That's an entirely different affair."

"And it's the same for me. We can do without his help."

"It's too late - he's about to offer it, anyway. Here he comes, gulping like a fish out of water."

"Well, I didn't hook him."

"Hello, I'm Simon." The boy pointed to his nametag and gave us a polite bow. "Can I help you, ladies?"

"You're quick off the mark; we haven't been here ten seconds. That's first-class service, isn't it, Denise?"

"And exceptional in one so young, Susie."

"I'm a junior manager."

"Get away."

"Honest - but I'm filling in as a customer advisor this week. Though I haven't had any customers like you before," he blushed. "Are you looking for anything special?"

"We're just browsing," I mumbled.

"We like to keep abreast of what's new in the world of garden transport."

"You're not interested in wheelbarrows, are you?"

"Don't be so sexist. Denise is fascinated by all things mechanical. You'd be amazed at her collection of Dinky toys."

"You play with them more than I do, Susie. It's vroom-vroom here and vroom-vroom there. I hardly get a look in."

"Can I recommend a garden trolley? You could pull it together. This one is our luxury model; it has puncture proof tyres. Would you like a demonstration?"

"You've always wanted a four-wheel drive, Susie. Get in, and I'll take you for a spin."

"Not now, Denise, we have to concentrate on the job in hand."

Simon bent over and opened the side of the trolley. "Here, let me help you up."

Susie brushed off his arm. "We've no time to waste messing about. We didn't bunk off college to go joyriding in wheelbarrows."

"Oh, are you only schoolgirls?" Simon visibly drooped in disappointment. "I thought you were a pair of lap dancers on your afternoon off."

"Clout him, Susie."

"Don't!" He threw up his hands in defence. "I'm sorry. We get all sorts in here, and they're funny sorts of school outfits."

"We're cheerleaders," I huffed. "You couldn't find two more upright girls."

"We're not that upright when we do the synchronised splits, Denise. He's a male chauvinist piglet, but give him another chance - he meant it as a compliment."

"It's not the sort I want to hear."

Simon cautiously sidled forward and straightened his tie. "The truth is, you remind me of that classy girl on the telly."

"Which one?"

"Both of you. I've been writing to her for three years about my lap dancer fantasy, but she's never replied," he sighed. "I even enclose a self-addressed envelope. It's costing me a fortune in stamps."

"Well, your prayers have been answered," Susie twinkled. "We can bump and grind with the best of them, and we're on the prowl for boyfriends."

"Really."

"Yes, and they're a bit thin on the ground at the moment. We may have to toss up for your favours."

"You're kidding."

"You're too modest," Susie flattered. "It must happen to you every day. Girls love a man in uniform."

"I had no luck when I worked at MacDonald's."

"Is that why you got a job here - to improve your chances?"

"This is B&Q."

"DIY is the new in way for getting off - didn't you know?"

"Kind of - but I've been trying to keep it to myself."

"It used to be Tesco's, but that's so past it's sell-by-date. The oldsters have taken it over. We wouldn't even be seen shopping in there now, would we, Denise?"

"Ah, Susie." I nudged her in the ribs. "Talking about a romantic rendezvous, we'll be having company in a couple of minutes at most."

Dougie and a fully revived Charlie were crossing the far end of the aisle.

"Clocked them, Denise. It's time to put plan B into operation."

"What's the matter - is something wrong?"

"We have to go. Come on, Susie."

"Oh, I'm on a break in ten minutes - can't you wait?"

"We'd like to, but we're being pursued, and they've caught up with us."

"Who, the truant officers?"

"No, it's more serious than that," I frowned. "We're in a spot of bother."

"What sort of bother?"

"Shall we tell him, Susie?"

"It's our only chance, Denise. Someone in his position can be a big help to us."

"Aaaahhh, well ... just put the things back, and I'll turn a blind eye."

"It's nothing like that. We're totally innocent."

"Too innocent, Denise - we've been led like lambs to the slaughter."

"The deviousness of some people - I'll never trust a boy again."

"You can trust me." Simon lowered his voice and leaned forward conspiratorially. "What's going on?"

"It's all the Internet's fault," I confessed. "We've been fooled on Facebook."

"It's worse than that, Denise - we were groomed and seduced."

"Like in the papers?" Simon goggled.

"Exactly - we arranged a lovers' tryst, but our fifteen year old manga boys have turned out to be fifty year old mangy men," Susie snorted. "We were so naive we believed their story of a broken webcam."

"And that they wanted us to front their band."

"Jeans and Sausages."

"That's how they tricked us into dressing as cheerleading Lolitas," I wailed. "We were desperate to be their Abba girls."

"They lured us here with promises of fame and fortune, and when we got wise to them, they started stalking us."

"Do you want me to call the police?"

"No, just give us time to disappear. Dad will go mad and cut off our allowance if he finds out," I whined. "If they come down here, hold them on suspicion of shoplifting."

"I can't; I'm not security."

"They don't know that. You've a badge and a uniform, and they'll have a guilty conscience, won't they, Susie?"

"From what we saw of them, I'd say they've probably criminal records as long as their legs. You'll be a hero, Simon. There may even be a reward."

"I'd like to help, but I'll be exceeding my authority."

"You're a junior manager," Susie reminded him. "You occupy a position of supreme power."

"Actually, I'm only here on a day's work experience."

"Then you've nothing to lose."

"They've seen us, Susie. Here they come."

"Go on, Simon, be our champion, and teach them we're not put in this world for pleasure alone."

"But ... but they look real hard men," he stammered, as Charlie and Dougie slowly advanced towards us. "Especially the big one."

"He's a Scottish couch potato who spends all his time hunched over a keyboard, eating fried Mars bars. His mauling muscles will have atrophied to nothing," I reassured our faltering game-cock.

Susie tested his bicep. "You're all thews and sinews. That fat old Jock will be no match for a wiry young jock like you."

"Scotsmen go mad in Shoreham - and this one has an ear missing."

"He can't be much of a fighter, then." Susie slapped Simon on the back. "Square up to the bugger, and he'll probably turn tail and run."

"What if he doesn't?"

"Get in first, give him a winger, and yell for assistance."

"And when you've overpowered the lechers, you can plant-tie them to the garden roller and push it in the pool," I suggested. "That'll dampen their ardour."

"But ... "

"Here's an extra incentive." Susie thrust our fake fifties into his hand.

"A hundred-pounds," he gaped. "Where did you get that?"

"We're spoilt brats - it's loose change to us."

"We have our own private income, Simon, and we don't mind sharing it around," I smiled.

"Help us, and you'll be into something good," Susie promised. "You'll have a girl on each arm and a stuffed wallet."

"I suppose I could block their way while you go for security." Simon pushed a lawnmower into the centre of the aisle. "I'll give them my sales pitch; I've waited all day to try it out."

"These potential customers will present a good test for you. Don't take no for an answer."

"I'll be polite yet persistent, just as it says in the manual."

"Not too polite," I insisted. "Get into an argument."

"Cause a kerfuffle - they won't like being the centre of attention."

"I'm taking a big risk for you; they could turn nasty. The earless one's just kicked a garden gnome up the arse."

"The action of a big bully - he won't pick on someone half his size. It's brains against brawn. Keep your glasses on," Susie advised, "and you'll be in no danger."

"Yell 'Fire' if things get heated - it's sure to bring people running."

"Off you go," Susie urged. "Mow them down for us."

"Couldn't we reason with them?" Simon wavered. "I've been developing my people skills."

"It's too late now - our friends are their enemies. Close your eyes and defend your virtuous English maids from the marauding Scots." Susie helped him on his way with a vigorous shove. "Your death before our dishonour!"

"Ooooooohh!"

"Spend the fifties today," I called, as we set off at a sprint in the opposite direction. "That issue will soon be withdrawn from circulation."

We'd doubled back up the next aisle when all hell broke loose.

"Fire! Fire!"

"Everybody out!"

"Fire! Fire!"

Brrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnng!

"Who set that off?"

"They must have highly trained staff."

Brrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnng!

"Clear the store!"

"It's chaos, Denise."

"Straight ahead, Susie, and watch out for the traffic."

"Give way, give way! Women and children first," we cried, jinking through the swarm of people rushing for the exits.

"You're proceeding in the wrong direction," our friend, the security guard, shouted at us. "Evacuate the premises in an orderly fashion."

"We're panicking," I yelled. "There's a one-eared man back there causing a riot."

"He got into a dispute with a brave young assistant over a faulty lawnmower that burst into flames. Hurry up and help him."

We dashed on and reached our goal at the rear of the store. We raced out through the pick-up area and scaled the embankment.

"Over the wall, Susie - the station's across the road, and then we'll exit train right."

"This has turned out rather well, Jeffrey. We're in the clear, and you won't be wanting to visit B&Q again in a hurry."

 

Chapter 106

"I wish we had come on our bikes, Susie. All this spending and getting nothing in return goes against the grain."

"We can try for half fare, Jeffrey."

"Better not, it might lead to a scene if you're thwarted."

"I'll only be standing up for our rights."

"No, you won't - we're adults as far as the railway is concerned."

"Only just - and some folk make two of us. They should charge by weight, like the Royal Mail. I'm eating to save the planet and getting no reward for it."

"You've a trim figure and you're fleet of foot; that should be prize enough."

"There's no harm in aiming for more, and you're always going on at me about looking after the pennies."

"We'll let the clerk decide," I conceded. "Act childish."

"I'm not that desperate to save you money, Jeffrey."

"Just lisp a bit."

I linked Susie's arm, and skipped her up to the booking office window.

"Two thingles to North Thation, pleath."

"Two halves - that's 3.90."

"Thang you." Susie slid over a five-pound note.

"Are you travelling alone?"

"Yeth, we're orphanths."

"And you're brave little troupers," the clerk smiled, passing over the tickets and change. "Mind how you go, and look after each other, poppets."

"We will," Susie frowned.

"Thang you," I smiled.

"What a cheek - taking us for kids without a second thought," Susie fumed, as we walked away. "No one talks like that; it should have been obvious I was trying it on."

"Under 15 isn't too bad - and I was sucking my thumb behind your back."

"There's still over ten minutes to wait," I fretted, after we'd finished checking the timetable. "I only hope the train isn't late."

"A watched clock never boils, Jeffrey - let's get down to the platform. We should be safe enough from Dougie and Charlie for a while."

"But not Sergeant Basset - he is a detective - he's bound to try here sooner or later."

"How much do you think he knows, Jeffrey?"

"Enough to persuade him that he's on to something big, and he won't give up until he finds out what it is."

"We'll have to be careful not to get caught in possession of a quarter of a million in forged fifties. We could land in serious trouble."

"It'd certainly take some explaining, Susie; it might even tax our combined powers."

"And it's not the sort of money we can bribe Basset with. Keep your 20/10 weather-eyes open, Jeffrey."

We reached the top of the stairs, and I took a last precautionary glance back. "No, down here, Susie." I steered her over to the left.

"This leads to the outbound trains, Jeffrey. What are you doing?"

"Eyes front, Susie, don't let him know he's been spotted."

"You mean ..."

"Yes." I hurried Susie to the bottom of the steps. "The law's picked up our trail; we'll have to lead it astray."

"Are you sure this is the right way to set about it, Jeffrey? There isn't much room to manoeuvre," Susie complained, as I marched her along the platform.

"Keep going."

"This is it, Jeffrey - we've reached a dead end. Unless you've a cunning plan, prepare yourself for a further cross-examination."

"Only a ten minute one, and then, with a bit of luck, we'll wave goodbye to Basset for ever. Act surprised when he arrives so he doesn't suspect we've got him where we want him."

"What should we be doing to convince the hound he's caught us on the hop?"

"We'll have an innocent sing-song, Susie."

"Hello, girls, we meet again."

"Sergeant Basset!" I exclaimed. "Look who it is, Sharon." I swung Susie around and gave her a helping goose.

"Ooooooooooooohhh, it's you!"

"No need to be alarmed."

"Well, we were. Sneaking up like that - all sorts of weirdos hang about stations."

"Then you'll be glad of my company."

"The next train's gone. What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you - that was an interesting little tune."

"We're Abba fanatics," I beamed. "Any requests while we're waiting - we know the Mama Mia songbook by heart."

"And we've their moves off pat; we bump our bums together like nobody's business. You should see our Honey, Honey. Let's give Sergeant Basset a chorus, Tracy."

"That's enough - this time we'll be having a serious interview."

"Do we have to go through it again?" Susie groaned. "We've told you all we can."

"Not by a far cry, you haven't," Basset glared. "But despite your evasions, I did learn something."

"Oh?" I blinked.

"Yes, you were a little too wary of a kindly policeman who'd just rescued you from an awkward situation."

"We were grateful you saw off that horrible man."

"I've also persuaded Sergeant Tredwell not to pursue your involvement in the dog's death any further. He's a stickler for the correct procedure, and he was really put out by your sudden departure."

"Then we're doubly grateful," I smiled.

"But, no doubt, still not grateful enough to confide in me your little secret. So this time, I'll start by examining your bags. Hand them over."

"Mine's a bit of a jumble, I'm afraid," Susie apologised.

Basset rooted around inside and came up with nothing.

"Satisfied?"

"No." He turned to me. "What about yours?"

"It's still empty."

"We'll see." Basset had a rummage in the rucksack. "Ah, here's something out of the ordinary." He extracted my camera from a side pocket. "What's this?"

"It's a girl's thing," I blushed.

"Girl's thing?"

"You're a man of the world," Susie winked.

"So?"

"Sharon means it's my secret friend. Don't paw it - you'll start it buzzing and flatten the battery."

"You mean it's a ... "

"Yes, and much loved. Give it back."

"Uuugh!" He threw it across to me. "Get it out of my sight."

"Come here, Percy, I'll take care you."

"Not there, Tracy!"

"I haven't any pockets."

"Well, at least stop fondling it; you're letting the side down again. What did I say about bringing Percy out with you."

"I get bored playing I-Spy on train journeys."

"Hush your mouth, you MacGuffin, you. You're not fit to be a Cholmondeley."

"Chumly - and you've borrowed it often enough."

"Oh, how could you, Tracy! You're embarrassing everybody with your loose talk. Say sorry this instant."

"Shan't!"

"Shut it, both of you."

"Don't blame me - I'm the quiet one."

"You're a little minx."

"Sucks to you."

"Give over!" Basset barked. "I don't want to hear any more lewd talk."

"Sorry, sir, it's the E-numbers prattling. I've had nothing but fizzy drinks and Cheesy Wotsits since breakfast," I sniffed, and hung my head in shame. "I'm really trying hard to be a good little girl."

"Okay," Basset nodded. "Then you'll want to tell me what you're doing here."

"We're waiting for the train home," I mumbled.

"And where's that?"

"A few stops along the line - Sharon's got the tickets."

"Well?" Basset turned to Susie.

"We're getting off at Preston. And after our experiences today, we won't be coming back in a hurry."

"That wouldn't be Preston for Lostock Hall, would it? We may have a mutual acquaintance - Charlie Onions, Dougie Donnelly's friend."

"Never heard of either of them before today, had we, Tracy?"

"Not a whisper."

"Lostock Hall's only a small place."

"We don't live there," Susie insisted. "And we don't know what's going on here. We only came to town to feed the snake, and your friend with the dog turned nasty with us for no reason."

"So why the story about the uncle?"

"We just embellished the truth with a few little girl lies. Tracy and I are born romancers. Once we start, we get carried away by our flights of fancy."

"And we were on our guard, because when we got there the flat had already been turned upside down. Who did that - the dog man?"

"No, me! And I didn't get what I was after."

"Those who seek treasure, never find it."

"Wise words, Tracy - are you taking notes Sergeant Basset?"

"I'll be taking more than notes if you don't cooperate. I can turn nasty too," Basset growled. "Now, where is it?"

"Search us."

"He's already done that, Sharon."

"So he has, Tracy. There you are, then, Sergeant Basset - we haven't got it, whatever it is. You're persecuting two blameless young girls," Susie protested. "You should be on your beat, arresting Mr Scottish Notonyournelly."

"You think so, do you?"

"Definitely - he's the crime suspect. He was up to no good at the flat, and his behaviour fell a long way short of what's expected on the grouse moor, didn't it, Tracy?"

"He frightened me silly," I whimpered. "The madman wanted to cut our throats according to his wrath."

"We had to throw poor old Monty round his neck to escape, but the fiend tracked us down, and tried to get his own back by setting that killer dog on us."

"Which suffered a mysterious accident." Basset wagged a finger and stared hard at us. "There's more to you than meets the eye, and I'm going to find out what it is."

"We'd help if we could, but you'll have to give us a clue what it is you're looking for. We haven't an inkling, have we, Tracy?"

"Not even a pencilling, Sharon."

"Okay, let's start from the beginning," Basset glowered. "A valuable item has fallen into the wrong hands."

"Fallen, not stolen." Susie raised an eyebrow. "So why is it police business?"

"It's my business. And be warned - I'll come down from a great height on anyone who gets in my way."

"I'm frightened, Sharon." I shuffled behind Susie and whispered in her ear. "See if your psychological probing can get him to reveal all to Percy."

"None of that," Basset warned. "I don't want there to be any more secrets between us."

"I've gone all of a quiver, Sharon."

"Now see what you've done - your police brutality's upset Tracy."

"It's her own fault. And tell her to stop playing with that thing; it's giving me the willies."

"Percy's my only comfort," I sobbed, and gave him a stroke. "I want to go home, Sharon."

Susie put her arm around me. "Don't cry, Tracykins, I'll look after you."

"Her tears won't wash with me. You're not leaving until I get some answers."

"We're still completely in the dark about this. Perhaps you could further enlighten us."

"Do I need to - we're after the same thing, aren't we?"

"Which is?"

"Money - what else? Certain undeserving people have acquired more than their fair share."

"That's the way of the world. The rich get rich, and we get nothing," Susie griped. "We were only there, out of the goodness of our hearts, to help a poor dumb animal."

"Cooperate with me, and you won't lose by it. I intend to confiscate a percentage of the ill-gotten gains in my direction."

"Isn't that against the law?"

"I am the law, and I'm working overtime, ensuring crime doesn't pay. I'm entitled to a tax-free bonus."

Susie gave him a knowing look. "Do we take it you could be open to persuasion?"

"Not from petty thieves like you, who are in over their pretty little heads."

"You underestimate us - we're working for our godfather, Mr Santini," Susie declared.

"No, you're not," Basset snorted. "I'm working for Mr Santini, and I'm already being well paid."

"What with - choc-ices?"

"Watch your lip, or you may be run over by one of his ice-cream vans."

"We're not worried, are we Tracy?"

"No, Sharon, we always follow the Green Cross Code."

"That won't help if you're on the pavement. And I can arrange it - ask Spanish Siegfried's widow."

"It's an empty threat because you'll be the one Mr Santini's coming after. We're onto your game," Susie smirked. "If you retrieve the money, he'll never see it again. You're going to grab the lot for Sergeant Basset."

"That needn't worry you. I can take care of myself, and I promise to spend it wisely."

"So you're an unrepentant, crooked copper."

"Who'll retire early to the Costa del Sol with my topped-up pension pot."

"He's dishonest, but frank," I smiled at Susie.

"And I hope you've got the message, because unless you scamps want to land in serious trouble, you'd better tell me where Longbottom's hiding out."

"You'll have no joy there - nobody would use him as a messenger boy. He can't be trusted to blow his own nose, can he, Tracy?"

"The last time we saw him, he was looking for a stick with one end to join his piece of string with the middle missing."

"He can't be relied on from one minute to the next - his mind wanders."

"And it gets half fare."

"Well, the buffoon's somehow bumbled onto the big money, but he won't get away with it. You'll be better off dealing with me, and not that clown."

"You must have got the wrong Longbottom. He's as poor as a church mouse. We had to buy our own rat to feed his snake, didn't we, Tracy?"

"And it cost more than a Big Mac. We went without our dinner to do him a favour and this is our reward, Sharon."

"It's the last time we play the good Samaritans - I promise you that, Tracy."

"I'm losing patience with your backchat," Basset snapped. "He sent you there to pick up something, and I want it."

"Well, we haven't got it - you searched our bags. Someone else must have sneaked into the place before you."

"No, they didn't."

"Then where's the luminous rabbit?" I asked, wide-eyed.

"The what?"

"Billy Bunny - he's a money-box and glows in the dark. We were supposed to fetch him back with us. We looked all over, but he'd vanished."

"I'm convinced Monty gobbled up Billy as well as Mickey, Tracy."

"Who the hell is Mickey?" Basset spluttered.

"Uncle Bert's ex-monkey - the python devoured him without a second gulp."

"And I bet it swallowed your valuable item as well, Sergeant Basset."

"Don't be stupid."

"I'm not," I insisted. "Monty was starving; he hadn't been fed for six months. He nearly took our hands off."

"Your bullshit baffles brains won't work with me."

"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Basset gave me a quizzical look. "You don't talk like a Longbottom - neither of you do."

"That's because we're MacGuffins."

"No, we're not - we're Cholmondeleys."

"Whoever you bloody are, I'm ..."

Woooh! Woooooooooh!

"Can't hear you," Susie shouted, as the rest of Basset's words were drowned out by the London express pulling into the station.

"I said ..."

"Sorry, sergeant, we have to go. If we miss our train, we'll be late for tea, and mum will ring the police." I took Susie's arm and quick marched her across the platform.

"Get back here!" Basset started, then stopped - caught in two minds about whether to follow us or return to the scene of the crime and dissect Monty.

"He's hesitating."

"And he's about to be lost." I hustled Susie aboard. "See you in Lostock Hall, Sergeant Basset," I cried.

"That's stirred him into action, Denise - he's coming."

"Down the carriage, Susie, and stick to me like a plaster."

"He's on."

"Keep going."

"Oops!"

"Excuse us, we want to sit at the back in case there's a crash."

"Sorry about this - Tracy's got the jitters after reading her horoscope. Jeremiah the Gypsy's had her frightened to venture out of the front door six times this year."

"Today isn't a good day for travelling or meeting new people, Sharon."

"There's nothing to worry about, Tracy; you were born on the cusp. You can pick and choose whichever is most favourable - just psychic and see."

"Oowww!"

"Whoops, stand aside, please - we've tickets for first class."

We pushed our way through and reached the rear doors just as they began to slide shut.

"Stop them!" Basset yelled. "They've stolen my wallet."

"It's too late - your birds have flown. Jump, Sharon!"

"Geronimo!"

"Domino's Pizza!"

We landed safely on the platform and left a frustrated Sergeant Basset, beating at the window, as the train accelerated out of the station.

"It went like clockwork, Tracy."

"Like a vintage Hornby-Dublo, Sharon."

"Wave good-bye, Tracy."

We shook our pom-poms and gave him a cheer.

"It's a shame it isn't non-stop, but it'll be at least half an hour before he can get back, and we'll be long gone by then."

"Unless he pulls the communication cord."

"Even leaves on the line won't help him now - here comes our train. It's time to change platforms and vanish."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Susie rushed me along with a smack on the bottom.

"Ooooohhhh!"

"I owed you that one, Jeffrey."

"I was only lending a helping hand back there, Susie; you haven't had as much practice acting surprised as I have."

"A bent bobby on our trail as well, Jeffrey - whatever next?" Susie laughed, when we were settled in our seats.

"We'd better make extra sure Basset doesn't catch us with the money, Susie. If he doesn't already know it's fake, he may assuage his disappointment by arresting us as a couple of counterfeiters."

"That might bring the frustrated sergeant his longed for promotion. And he'll want to settle the score with us, after we took him and sent him for a ride. We'll have to be super careful, Jeffrey."

"We're not the only ones, Susie," I smiled, and tucked Percy safely away. "Basset didn't know he was on candid camera. His dodgy dealings are on record and it could prove very useful."

"It's funny how Mr Bigs always have the urge to divulge all before they get their comeuppance."

"Not really - it's a wise man who speaks little."

"No hope for me, then."

"I wouldn't say that, Susie; I'll always be there to temper your more outrageous impulses."

"You can start now, Jeffrey; we're entering a tunnel, and they'll soon be rolling the credits."

"We'd better wait before enjoying transports of delight, Susie. I doubt this signals the end of the adventure. I have a feeling there could be more twists and turns to come."

 

Chapter 107

"Up the down staircase, and the left luggage is to the right, Jeffrey."

"Here, Susie." I pressed the ticket into her hand. "This time act as grown-up as possible."

"I always do, Jeffrey, except when you undermine me."

"We should be okay as long as there isn't a jobsworth on duty. He might remember Ernie, and be suspicious of two junior cheerleaders turning up to claim his attache case."

"You worry too much; I exude a natural air of authority whatever I'm wearing. Follow my lead." Susie shoved open the door and strode up to the counter. "Greetings, my good man."

The clerk reluctantly flipped over the book he'd been engrossed in and peered over his glasses. "How can I help you, young ladies?"

"We'd like to collect our attache case," Susie smiled, presenting the ticket.

The man studied it carefully. "Ernie Longbottom, SN076923 - just a minute." He eased himself off his stool and, after discreetly adjusting his trousers, disappeared into the back room.

"Your fears were unfounded, Jeffrey; he never even blinked. All he's bothered about is being left in peace."

"We haven't got it yet, and he had a good stare at us. And look what he's reading - The Brighton Trunk Murders. I wouldn't be surprised if he examines everything that passes through for stray body parts."

"Shush, here he comes."

The clerk shuffled slowly across the floor, weighing the case in his hand before depositing it on the counter. "Something's shifting around in there. You should have packed it better; the company's not liable for any damage."

"It's okay; it isn't fragile. We'll take it as seen."

"Just a minute." He gave the case a shake and listened intently. "This is a little hobby of mine - not much gets past me." He bent over and sniffed at the lock. "That's a distinctive smell, but I can't quite place it."

"It's real leather, not a severed head," Susie scolded. "You should confine yourself to improving literature."

The man picked up the book and waved it under our noses. "This is a true story; it could happen here. You'd be surprised at the stuff they try to get across my counter. There was an elephant's foot - stunk the place out ..."

"You'll have to excuse us - we're in a bit of a hurry."

"And I'm in the frontline of the war on terror. This place is a prime target for Sunday's mad bomber. I have to be ever vigilant."

"You're doing a great job. We'll sleep soundly in our beds tonight, knowing you're poking your nose in everywhere. But we can't stop to hear more of your daring deeds - Tracy's bursting to go to the loo."

"I've also trained myself to have a remarkable memory for faces." The clerk leaned forward and rested his arm on the case. "I remember the gentleman who brought this in - not at all the executive type and most peculiarly dressed. He was wearing mucky green boots and a spotted red neckerchief. And he smelt agricultural."

"Mr Longbottom's been up to his welly tops in pig manure, enjoying some gardening leave," I explained.

"It's a little late in the year for that, isn't it?"

"He had it forced upon him."

"You're confirming my suspicions."

"I don't know what you mean. Mr Longbottom is an innocent victim of Byzantine office politics, and it's nothing to do with the missing petty cash. We're his trusted lieutenants, and he has our full support, hasn't he, Sharon?"

"A thousand percent, Tracy. The poor man's been made a scapegoat for the unfortunate incident at the water cooler. But he's confident the tribunal will fully exonerate him - he doesn't even know how to work the photocopier."

"I suspected he had something on his mind. He kept looking over his shoulder and was most anxious about leaving the case in my care. Paranoid, in fact - it's odd he's sent children to claim it."

"We're older than we look," Susie huffed.

"I don't think so." The official took a firmer grip on the case. "There may be more to this than meets the eye. Why didn't Mr Longbottom come himself?"

"He's been unavoidably detained due to circumstances beyond his control," I offered.

"I'll need more information than that."

"It's none of your business," Susie frowned, "but Mr Longbottom's laid up with a broken leg."

"He suffered an unfortunate accident in the garden, did he?"

"No, he's a highly skilled horticulturist," I pouted. "He possesses green fingers as well as green wellies. It happened on the beach."

"Let me guess - I'm a shrewd judge of character too. Did he jump off the sea wall for a dare?"

"Certainly not," I protested. "Mr Longbottom has a reputation to maintain; he would never entertain such a notion."

"Oh, I could have sworn he looked the type."

"You don't know the inner man."

"What happened, then?"

"He tripped."

"After the donkey kicked him," Susie grinned. "Your turn, Tracy."

"He was carrying the cornets, and his first thought was to save the raspberry whoppers."

"He did, but suffered a double compound fracture of the elbows for his trouble."

"Dear me, he has been in the wars."

"And we don't want to put him under more stress, worrying where his case has got to."

"Patience, my dear," the clerk reproached Susie, and indicated the gold lettering. "These aren't the initials of an Ernest Longbottom - I puzzled over them at the time."

"It belonged to his grandfather on his mother's side, and it has great sentimental value."

"Ah, so you're relatives."

"No, we're his personal assistants."

"Aren't you a little skimpily clad to be secretaries?"

"We're not power-dressed at the moment; these are our stage costumes." Susie executed an elegant twirl. "We've come straight from rehearsals. Mr Longbottom moonlights as a magician when he's not executiving or gardening."

"He's multi-talented and a big success; he's had his name in coloured chalks at the Gasworkers' Club."

"Ernie Longbottom," the man mused. "He'll get nowhere with a moniker like that."

"Ernidini will get nowhere without his props," I glared. "Can we have the case, please? It houses the climax of the act."

"Be honest, Tracy, our antics are the act."

"I wouldn't describe them as antics, Sharon - it's very artistically done."

"I hope there aren't any pigeons nesting in there; you can't deposit live animals here." The clerk put on his peaked cap. "I'll have to see inside - rules may have been breached."

"Okay," Susie agreed, "but it's at your own risk. All that banging about may have aroused Monty."

"Monty?"

"Mr Longbottom's python. That's why he entrusted his case to you; the landlady banished it from the premises."

"You can't really blame her, Sharon; Monty ate the cat on our last visit."

"And you say he's in there - it doesn't seem possible."

"Well, he is, cat and all. Monty's a ball python, and he's tightly coiled up at the moment."

"But once he sees the light of day, Tracy, we'll have no end of trouble squeezing him back in. Can we wrap Monty around your arms to start with, mister?"

"No, you bloody can't."

"It'll make it a lot easier, and there isn't much danger. We'll keep a firm grip on his tail so he won't be able to crush the bones together."

"I'm keeping my distance - open it up."

"We'll just have to hope for the best, Tracy. With any luck, he'll still be drowsy from digesting the rat."

"He may have regurgitated it after the surfeit of cat, Sharon. That's probably what's scuttling around. It'll be one frenzied rodent by now."

"Point it away from us, Tracy; the mad beggar will probably sink its teeth into the throat of the first thing it sees."

"What's that deadly disease you get from a rat bite, Sharon?"

"Bubonic plague."

"I thought it was rabies."

"It's both if you're unlucky."

"I wonder which kills you first."

"It's a toss-up, Tracy, and it's something we don't want to find out. Opening this case shouldn't be the responsibility of a chit of a girl. It's a job for a man - and no ordinary man, but a hero who puts duty first and laughs at danger."

"You're right, Sharon." I fished out the key and dangled it over the counter. "On with your deerstalker hat, sir - this is an exact re-enactment of Sherlock Holmes' climactic battle with the giant rat of Sumatra at Waterloo Station."

"I've never heard of that."

"It's an untold tale Doctor Watson deemed unfit for public consumption. I expected an aficionado of macabre deaths like yourself would be more than familiar with the gruesome details."

"Which are?" he gulped.

"How do you feel about choking on the bitten-off head of a rabid rat?"

The clerk paled. "I've changed my mind - rules are made to be broken. Get it out of here - and never come back!" He rolled up a newspaper and shoved the case across to us.

"Grab it, Tracy, we don't want to put Monty in a bad mood for tonight. There's nothing worse than grappling with a contrary python."

I caught the case in mid-air, tucked it under my arm, and we were on our way with the swag. "Thanks for the help - we'll leave free tickets for you at the box office."

"It's the wet end of the pier show - tell them Sharon and Tracy sent you," Susie shouted, as she closed the door.

"Ernie really is mad, Susie - I wouldn't deposit my Chinese bike in a place like that, let alone a quarter of a million. I hope everything's still intact."

"We'll soon find out, Jeffrey. Come on, it's time to freshen up in the ladies' and see what we've got."

"Do we have to, Susie? I know what I've got."

"Shine a light, Denise, it is nothing but a MacGuffin after all." Susie threw down the last bundle of notes in disgust. "They've all the same number."

"What did you expect? "

"Well, you never know, and you're having a good look too."

"If we'd any sense, we'd flush the lot down the loo."

"We've done the hard work, Denise; ten more minutes, and we can rest on our pom-poms."

"That's exactly what we are doing. We're leaving Ernie to his own devices and going straight home."

"Then let's get it in the rucksack and be on our way."

We set to work transferring the money, with Susie checking it all again.

"Two hundred and fifty thousand - all present and incorrect. We're ready for the off, Denise, unless you'd like the thrill of wiping your bottom on a fifty-pound note before we go."

"No, thank you very much, Susie." I took special care to zip a last bundle of money into an outer pocket, and heaved the rucksack onto my back.

"It's a smart case, Denise, and we deserve something for our trouble. Should we take it with us?"

"Why not? The opposition already know who we are, and it might come in useful."

"Okay." Susie picked up the case, unlocked the door, and we exited the ladies'.

"I'm relieved to get out of there," I sighed. "I never use public toilets - they're creepy at the best of times, and the floors are always wet."

"Relax, Denise - it's mission accomplished. Next stop the Tower - do you fancy a trip to the top and a view of Debenhams?"

"No, Susie."

"We'll see if I can talk you into that as well, Denise."

 

Chapter 108

"Typical, Susie, he's left us holding the bag."

"Where's he hiding, Jeffrey? I'm getting dizzy, going round in circles."

After three laps of the Eiffel Tower's little brother, we were back where we started, watching the crowds pass by, with no sign of Ernie - or my bike.

"Come on, one more try, and then we'll ..."

"What?"

"I don't know - this is all new to me. I've never been a cheerleader with a sackful of counterfeit money on my back before. I'm open to suggestions."

"You don't suppose Ernie got fed up of waiting."

"For what he thinks is a million pounds - you must be joking."

"We are late; he could have gone inside to pass the time."

"Knowing Ernie, it's more likely he's inside doing time after trying to pass a dud fifty."

"Maybe he's had a breakdown. Your bike made a funny clunking noise yesterday."

"My bikes don't clunk, Susie."

"This one did, Jeffrey. I was riding it, and something felt funny under foot."

"That's because you were wearing studs."

"Then how about a puncture? Unless your bikes are immune to those as well."

"He's had plenty of time to walk the whole way by now."

"He could have got on the wrong bus - it's easily done."

"Or the wrong tram, and he's back where he started - in my shed."

"Or somebody scared him off," Susie exclaimed. "Would you believe it, Jeffrey? Our long-lost friends have turned up again like a bad three-ha'pence."

I looked up the street and saw Dougie and Charlie quickening their pace towards us. "Where did they come from?"

"We'll soon find out if we don't move it."

"Let's stay put for the moment, Susie, and see if they know anything about Ernie. There's safety in numbers."

"The public will definitely be on our side; we've been attracting a lot of admiring glances. We'll have to play it cool, though; we don't want anyone calling the police."

"If the worst comes to the worst, we can negotiate a settlement and withdraw gracefully."

"After all the effort we've put in, Jeffrey."

"The money's isn't any good to us, and it'll only get Ernie in trouble if he tries to spend it."

"Bugger, Ernie - nobody's snatching the trophy from us at the finishing post," Susie insisted. "It's the principle of the thing."

"To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

"Exactly, Jeffrey, you've gone one better than three and super inspired me with the old rule of four. Now I'm doubly determined the baddies won't win."

"Easier said than done, Susie; they've spotted the case and look determined to claim the prize."

"We aren't giving it up without a fight, Jeffrey. Get ready for some more argy-bargy."

"Backs against the wall, Susie - here they come."

"Hello again, girls." Dougie greeted us with a triumphant smirk. "This time I've caught you case-handed."

"How did you get here - did you beat it out of Ernie?" I scowled.

"Expecting the daft puddock, were you?"

"He's gone missing, and so has my bike."

"You won't see that again. Longbottom will be in a cold sweat and pedalling off to join brother Bert in Brazil. He's lucky I never got the chance to speed him on his way."

"Then how did you find us?"

"I'm not just a pretty face; I worked it out for myself," Dougie boasted. "I deduced what you sneaked from that snake cage was a left luggage ticket."

"Deduced," Susie scoffed. "You're a regular Sherlock MacHolmes."

"I'm looking at you, aren't I, Jimmy?" he hissed. "We're right on the money."

"And wrong in every detail."

"That attache case and the clerk at North Station tell a different tale. Yer canny lassies, but it was careless of you to hang about and make it third time lucky for me."

"Fifth - you've miscounted - another error," Susie corrected him. "Don't come any nearer or we'll scream for help."

"I dinnae think you will, but there's no need for violence. All I want to do now is make a fair trade. Give me the cash, and we'll forgive and forget."

"How about, Ernie, is he included in the deal?" I asked.

"He's been a very naughty boy, but we'll put it down to youthful exuberance. We won't shatter his kneecaps if you hand over the case without any more bother."

"You may not want to take on the responsibility when you hear our side of the story," I cautioned. "A gentleman, with far more clout than Ernie, believes the cash lawfully belongs to him."

"And who might that be?"

"Sergeant Basset - he didn't just turn up by accident. He's the mastermind behind this affair. Ernie was just his dog's paw."

"I told you so, Charlie! Somebody put Longbottom up to it."

"That's what I said, Dougie."

"No, you didn't. I'm the brains of this outfit, and you've contradicted me all along the line. You could be standing in a bloody plant pot for all the use you are."

"I do my best," Charlie sulked. "We wouldn't have had this trouble if you hadn't been so scared of snakes."

"Shut up, Sniffy!"

"When thieves fall out, Denise."

"Don't you bloody start!"

"Control yourself, Dougie, and I'll delight in giving you some more bad news," Susie smirked. "Basset's working for Mr Santini."

"I knew he was bleedin' bent!" Dougie spluttered.

"And that isn't the half of it - you'd better watch your step because a runaway ice-cream van already has your name on it."

"We've been double-crossed, Charlie - but who put Basset on to us in the first place?"

"We can tell you that too. And we're not the only ones, are we, Mr Onions?" I nodded across at Charlie.

"Don't listen to their crazy talk, Dougie."

"You'd better - Basset's after copping the lot for his pension pot. It's a pity you weren't Sherlockian enough to deduce that earlier," Susie mocked. "Because he's hot on our trail - and yours."

"Go on, what else does he know?"

"Your every move - we had a very illuminating interview."

"You'd better not have blabbed to him."

"He got nothing out of us, did he Denise?"

"We were sphinx-like with our answers, Susie."

"What like?" Dougie goggled.

"Imperspicuous," I explained. "He gave up and tried to bribe us, but we couldn't be bought. Ernie believes in honour among thieves."

"But unfortunately for you, not everyone does."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Basset knows his onions because there's a supergrass who's keeping him fully posted." Susie stared hard at the now fidgeting Charlie.

"I want to go and lie down Dougie," he sniffed, nervously wiping a couple of candles from his moustache. "I've a splitting headache."

"You've nae even a bump. You fainted with fright - or did you let them get away on purpose?"

"I tried my best; I'm a white collar criminal," Charlie snivelled. "I could have gone the same way as Spike; they threatened to break my neck."

"We couldn't break anyone's neck, Dougie; you've been snake in the grassed on." Susie pointed an accusing finger. "Charlie's working for Sergeant Basset."

"Who'll no doubt be turning up at any moment," I warned. "You'd best make yourself scarce."

"If you've ..."

"It's all lies, Dougie. They just want to make trouble between us."

"I bet Charlie called home on the way here."

"No, I didn't," he squealed. "You pinched my phone."

"Only borrowed - you can have it back now." Susie tossed it across to him. "Explain to Dougie why Basset's number is on there."

Charlie blanched. "It's not Dougie, honest."

"Give it me!" Dougie snatched the phone off him.

"I swear to you, I've never said a word to anyone."

"Then Basset must have second sight, because here he comes," I cried, as a silver Mercedes drew up across the road. "Perfect timing on his part, yet again, Susie."

"He's out for an arrest - what shall we do, Denise?"

"We don't want to be caught in possession, Susie. Dump the money on them, and we'll run for it."

"Here." Susie offered over the case. "You can have it and the ten years in prison."

"Grab it and let's go, Charlie."

"It's too heavy, Dougie. You know I'm on incapacity benefit with my bad back."

"This will cure it." Susie thrust the case into his arms. "Pick up your bread and hobble."

"I don't want it."

Dougie dragged him away by his coat sleeve. "Come on, and don't you bloody drop it."

They galumphed off, with Charlie whining in vain. "Slow down, Dougie, my disc is slipping."

"I wouldn't like to be there when Dougie finds out all he's got is a fistful of snotters, Jeffrey."

"And we don't want to be here. This way, Susie, let's put on a show for Sergeant Basset."

We rushed towards him, frantically waving our arms.

"We've been robbed," Susie shouted across the road. "Dougie and Charlie have snatched our bag."

"They're on the run. Get after them or your money will be going north."

Basset was caught in two minds again until he saw Dougie wrench the case out of Charlie's arms. "Stay there!" He jumped back into his car and screeched away.

"Don't forget our reward - we led you to the loot," Susie yelled.

"We'd better disappear fast; he won't be diverted for long."

"This way, Jeffrey." Susie headed for the Tower entrance. "We can hide in there. Do you want to dump the money first?"

"We'll hold on to it for now. If Basset finds out it's fake, the devil will feel free to dial 666 and call in Scotland Two Feet to track us down. Breaking up a counterfeit ring would be a big plus on his record."

"But a poor second prize - he could be quite vindictive towards us. It's lucky we've got the low-down on him."

"Unfortunately, he doesn't know that yet, Susie, and it won't do us any good if we're arrested by someone else. We need to have it and us in a safe place before we reveal all. The most important thing is not to get caught in the meantime."

"This caper is turning out to be a MacGuffin squared, Jeffrey. Come on, it's time to step right up for the main attraction."

 

Chapter 109

"More expense, Susie - look at those prices."

"And no concessions for kids."

"You'll have to delve into my piggy bank again." I got my thumbs under the rucksack straps and lifted them off my top. "I never had to touch my emergency money once before last week, and now it's every day."

"Stop moaning, Denise - and don't start groaning."

"Then lay off the magic tricks this time."

"Hold still." Susie wiggled her hand down my bra. "Where is it?"

"Aaaahhhhhh, you're doing it again!"

"Shush!"

"You tweaked."

"You rubbed."

"I was only pointing you in the right direction."

"Well, where is it?"

"At the side."

"Aaahh, got it!" Susie teased out two twenty-pound notes. "Make yourself respectable, and let's bounce over to the box office."

"We'll slouch - we don't want to draw attention to ourselves."

"You get them, then - do your shrinking violet act."

I sidled up to the booth and hid behind my hair. "Two please," I mumbled.

"The lifts to the top are out of action, and the viewing platform's closed today," the woman droned, after accepting the money.

"Does that mean it's cheaper?" Susie chirped.

"No, but I've informed you of the current circumstances, so you'll have no reason to complain."

"Is there anything else we're paying for and not getting?"

"I can only advise you to read the small print."

"What a swizz - we should ..."

"Leave it, Susie." I snatched up the tickets and took her arm. "Come on, or we'll miss getting a seat for the circus." I rushed her out of argument's way and into the crowded Tower complex.

"We've come to the right place, Denise; Basset will have his work cut out finding us among all these diversions."

"He'll be spoilt for choice, Susie."

"Right, let's get a move on - which way is the circus?"

"We're going nowhere near the circus; that was for Basset's benefit only."

"I thought you wanted to bamboozle him by having our faces painted as clowns."

"No way - I've severe coulrophobia."

"Don't start that again."

"What we're doing is finding a nice secluded spot and sitting tight."

"If you haven't claustrophobia, we can spend an hour in a broom cupboard and make our own entertainment. How's that for an idea?"

"We have to get there first - if only we were more anonymous," I sighed, as we received a couple of wolf-whistles. "Basset won't need to be much of a detective to pick up our trail while we're wearing these outfits."

"Let's try mingling with those exotically dressed people heading for the ballroom. They make us look positively Victorian."

I followed Susie's change of course, and we tagged on to the line. "They've all got numbers on their backs - what are we going to do when we're on the dance floor?"

"Something will turn up - it always does."

"That's what I'm afraid of. I love your sunny confidence, Susie, but a little more looking before leaping wouldn't come amiss."

"This is no time for dilly-dallying. Whichever door opens, we should be through it first and slam it shut in Basset's face."

"We're more likely to be slung out as gatecrashers. Someone's already spotted we're cuckoos in the fest."

"Hurry there, or you'll be late."

A commanding figure, carrying a giant clipboard, beckoned us towards her.

"Late for what?" I cautiously asked.

"The junior dance competition, of course. I'm Miss Whittaker, the area organiser. I've been searching high and low for you. Where have you been?"

"We've ..." I hesitated.

And allowed Susie to jump in with both pairs of feet. "We've just had a little wander around to soak up the atmosphere. It's our first time here."

"You should have waited until I registered you."

"We didn't go far, but we got lost. This place is bigger inside than out."

"You're not the first to say that," Miss Whittaker smiled. "I forgive you, but, in future, don't leave your clothes unattended and your door wide open."

"If you can't trust ballroom dancers, who can you trust?" I blinked.

"Ah, such innocence - you're a breath of fresh air," she beamed. "Now, follow me, my little stray lambs, and I'll enter you officially into the record."

Miss Whittaker scrawled on her clipboard, while we trooped along behind.

"Have you got our names down there?" I casually inquired.

"You're at the top of my list, and I'm expecting great things from you. They told me to especially look out for Alice and Amy, the Hammill twins. Now, who's who?"

"I'm Amy and I'm the boy," Susie volunteered. "Alice has an aversion to trousers and all that goes with them. She never passes up a chance to get into high heels and frilly dresses."

"I enjoy being the girl, but I'm only a beginner," I blushed. "I haven't quite got the hang of all the intricacies yet."

"Neither have I," Susie confessed.

"There's no need to be nervous. I love to see girls waltzing together - it's so much more elegant. You'll only have to stand up to get my vote," Miss Whittaker laughed.

"That's about our limit, isn't it, Amy?"

"We can probably throw in a couple of whirls without breaking an ankle, Alice."

"You're too modest. I believe your valeta is something special."

"It may have some novelty value," I admitted.

"We'll soon see - here we are." Miss Whittaker ushered us into a dressing room. "Hurry up and change - you're on in fifteen minutes."

"Come on, Alice, let's put on our dancing shoes. This is our big chance to show off some fancy footwork."

"It'll make all those hours of practice seem worthwhile, Amy."

"I'm really looking forward to your performance, girls, so don't go walkabout again," Miss Whittaker smiled, before shutting the door and leaving us to our own devices.

"I don't know how we get away it, Susie," I exclaimed, when her footsteps had died away.

"Who cares, Jeffrey, it's another piece of luck. This will be well out of bounds for Sergeant Basset."

"We're only safe for the moment."

"We can make it longer than that - because here are our new clothes." Susie pulled two costumes from an open trunk. "After what we told Miss Whittaker, I'll have the suit, and you're destined for the dress."

"What do you mean dress?" I picked it up and held it against myself. "It's just a pair of glossy black knickers with swirly, silvery tassels."

"I would have liked something more elaborate for you too, but we'll have to make a virtue of necessity. It's very girly in its own way, and it'll show off your legs; that should get us a few bonus points."

"I'm no expert on dancewear, but something this revealing can't be for a waltz."

"Obviously, we do a progressive modern version. Things don't stand still, even in the world of old-time dancing. It'll be Strauss goes house."

"But look at the top - it's so skimpy. There's no back to it - and hardly any front. It's a pair of armholes with see-through chiffon flounces."

"There's a sort of built in bra; that'll preserve your modesty."

"Only just - I'll be showing my innie. And what about the fishnet tights?"

"They're a fine mesh and sheer - very tasteful."

"Not with shiny black stilettos."

"They complete the picture. You'llp be inspired to prance about like Alice in bally Wonderland."

"The whole thing's too daring for waltzing - are you sure we won't be pole dancing?"

"They wouldn't allow it in the hallowed sanctum of the Tower ballroom."

"I'm not so sure; it could be a new discipline. They even do it at the WI. Gran had a go, but she didn't wear clothes like this."

"That's how the girls dress nowadays; they show off all their assets. You'll look the same as everyone else."

"But I'm only a novice. This may be an outfit too far for me to handle in public."

"It's best bib-and-tucker, Jeffrey, and I've every confidence in you after your experience as a blushing bride. Now shape yourself and don't argue about who's wearing the trousers."

"I'm not, Susie. You know I'm happy for you to lead on the dance floor, and you're more than welcome to the monkey suit."

"It's very smart, Jeffrey."

"Spiffy is what I'd call it."

"It's dashing - don't try to put me off."

"You'll fill it out very nicely, but we shouldn't rush into this. What about the real Alice and Amy - where are they?"

"Maybe they got cold feet or had last minute artistic differences. Or they've gone to the circus and been kidnapped by the clowns."

"Be serious - they might come through the door at any moment."

"No, they won't - I've bolted it."

"But once we get out there, someone's bound to spot us wearing their costumes."

"They're our costumes now; we're officially Alice and Amy Hammill. Miss Whittaker says so, and she's not a woman to be trifled with."

"I have to admit she certainly has a formidable presence, Susie."

"You could eat your dinner off them, Jeffrey."

"I'm not sticking sequins on my face, Susie - it's common."

"You wanted the full works, and you didn't object to the glitter around your navel."

"I went all of a dither when I saw myself in the mirror, and you took advantage of me. Now that I've calmed down, I realise a pole dancer isn't the half of it - a lap dancer is nearer the mark."

"And very attractive with it - do you want to give it a go while we've the chance?"

"We'd better wait until we get home."

"I'll look forward to it."

"But it won't be in this outfit. I don't know what mum will say if I turn up semi-naked. A bride's one thing - that's wholesome."

"You may as well be hung for a lap dancer, as a cheerleader."

"Mum wouldn't agree with you, Susie; she has her standards. She was a bit sniffy about gran's pole dancing exploits."

"Your innate breeding will carry it off. At worst you could be mistaken for a slightly risque principal boy if you weren't so feminine."

"And so could you."

"Are you sure - I don't look like a monkey, do I?"

"Far from it, Susie - but just remember we're waltzing not waddling. If a penguin gets loose from the circus, it'll want to dance the hokey-cokey with you."

"Jeffrey!"

"It's Alice, Amy - don't forget."

"I won't, Denise, especially with you dressed to thrill. Sit on my knee, Princess Charming, and we'll play ventriloquists."

I dropped into her lap and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. "That's a novel place to put your hand, Susie."

"Gounce, Gagy, gounce."

"Ooooooohh! Ooooooohh! Ooooo ... "

"Are you ready, girls?" We were interrupted by a knock on the door. "You're on."

"Comiiiiinnnnnnnnnng! We won't be a minute."

"Do you know anything about the finer points of ballroom dancing, Susie?"

"Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow. That's all there is to it, isn't it?"

"I thought a waltz was 1 - 2 - 3, 1 - 2 - 3, 1 - 2 - 3."

"That sounds a bit pedestrian, Jeffrey; it can't just be walking."

"I had an idea 'slow, slow, quick, quick, slow' was a foxtrot."

"Let's see ...

"Which one is that?"

"Neither - it went from one to the other. Try something else."

"I don't know anything else, but you can't get much more waltzy than Waltzing Matilda."

"How about the Tennessee Waltz?

Susie shook her head. "That isn't right, either."

"Maybe they're foxtrot-waltzes."

"We'll mix things up and give them a bit of variety. Slip in the odd cha-cha-cha as well."

"I would if I knew what a cha-cha-cha was."

"Just bend over backwards when I swoop down on you, Jeffrey - we've practised that."

"It'll be murder on the dance floor, Susie. We'll never get away with it."

"Yes, we will - it's not that difficult. From what I've seen, it's only fast shuffling, plus a few twirly bits. Just keep moving at all times."

"My feet will be a blur, Susie. I only hope the rest of us is."

"Pin on my number 7, Jeffrey, our audience awaits."

"This is more like being on the dodgems than the waltzer, Amy."

"I wish people would stay out of our way; they're cramping my style."

"Some of them will have toes like pig's trotters in the morning."

"Well, it's not my fault; they shouldn't keep getting underfoot."

"We're battling against the tide - anti-clockwise seems the preferred direction."

"Then heave to, Alice, and prepare to go about."

Susie spun me around, and we sailed away on our second circuit.

"Whoops, careful, you nearly had me over."

"You're quicking, when I'm slowing, Alice."

"You're threeing when I'm twoing, Amy."

"Slip in a cha-cha-cha and get back in step."

"It's up to you to keep things in synch."

"I'm leading, and you're supposed to follow."

"How can I follow when I'm going backwards? It's tricky work in high-heels at the pace you're setting."

"But you're enjoying the experience."

"I'm loving it," I cried, as Susie swept me off my feet. "We'll be dancing on the ceiling next."

"It is exciting isn't it? I'm getting quite carried away."

"The feeling's mutual. You're moulding yourself to my body."

"And we're giving an inspired performance. It's taking people's breath away - I can hear them gasping."

A wave of applause swept over us as we whizzed past the judges and started on our next circuit.

"Whoops - someone's fallen at the turn. Upsy-daisy, Amy!"

We took off and cleared the bodies with one graceful bound.

"That should score well for artistic impression - what was it, Alice?"

"It may have been a triple flying axel - who knows?"

"Enough of the fancy stuff - get your skates on - there's more overtaking to do."

"It's not a race, Amy."

"It can't do any harm to come in first, Alice."

We glided past our rivals and swirled away on a victory lap.

"The music's coming to a crescendo, Amy; we need a big finish."

"Spin, Alice, set those tassels whirling."

I spun away and came bounding back towards Susie. "I'm ready for lift off."

"Allez-oop, Alice!" With a helping upward thrust, I leapfrogged over Susie's head.

"Ta-raaaa!" I landed, feet together, and executed a gracious curtsy.

"Bravo!" Miss Whittaker cried.

"More, more!"

I twirled to acknowledge the rest of the audience, and our eyes met across the crowded room. "Oooooeerrr! The next dance is going to be a ladies' excuse-me, Amy," I spluttered. "He's here!"

"Who, Ernie?"

"No, Sergeant Basset - he's bobbed up like a rotten apple, and he's seen straight through our disguise."

Susie swung around and bowed in his direction. "At least, he's clapping us, Alice - and enthusiastically."

The music began again, and the audience took their chance to trip the light fantastic.

"Someone's asking him to dance - let's see if we can make use of the law's delay, Amy."

"We haven't long, Alice; emergency measures are called for."

"Help may be at hand, Miss Whittaker's calling."

"Then it's time we did some more matchmaking," Susie grinned, as we skittered across to her table.

"Wonderful, girls, truly wonderful!" she greeted us. "You're the perfect team and so original."

"Thank you," Susie smiled. "It was a spur of the moment inspiration; we never know what we're going to do next."

"Well, it made my day. You lifted my spirits."

"I wish we could dance away all our troubles," I frowned.

"Lovely young things like you shouldn't have a care in the world."

"We haven't really, but we're worried about a family matter."

"Oh, dear, I hope it's not serious."

"We don't like to impose, but could you do us a big favour?"

"You only need ask," Miss Whittaker beamed. "What is it?"

"Our dad will be coming across in a minute, and he's dying to dance, but he's too shy to ask anyone."

"Surely not - a man with two lovely daughters like you."

Susie leant forward and lowered her voice. "The truth of the matter is, he's lost all confidence since mum ran off with the paperboy."

"Oh, I am sorry." Miss Whittaker was visibly taken aback. "Tell me more."

"Perhaps we've said too much, Amy."

"No, no, go on."

"It was the Sunday one, worse luck," Susie confided. "He'd built up some bulging muscles and had a sudden growth spurt. Dad just couldn't compete."

Miss Whittaker's eyes widened. "You mean."

"Yes, and what's more he gave dad one in the eye with a Sunday supplement as a going away present."

"Dad was humiliated," I whispered. "It really knocked the stuffing out of him."

"The poor man - he must have been devastated."

"He's been brooding over it, ever since, hasn't he, Amy?"

"He could have hatched a wobble of ostriches, Miss Whittaker."

"Oh dear."

"So it'd be a kindness if you'd ask him to dance and bolster his ego."

"He'd be over the moon if you could help him recapture the joy of a nice slow Dashing White Sergeant," I smiled. "But it may take a little persuasion on your part."

"Here he comes." Susie pointed out Basset. "Insist it's a ladies' choice and cling on like grim death."

"Lead him a merry dance and cheer him up. Hurry, please, before he completely loses his nerve."

"I'll do my very best, girls." Miss Whittaker thrust out her chest and bustled off on an intercept course.

"He's a policeman," Susie called after her, "and about to retire on an index-linked pension."

A definite spring came into Miss Whittaker's step.

"Heads down, Amy, and let's waltz away."

We picked up from where we left off and gave another command performance, charging across the floor, scattering sequins in our wake.

"We should be on the telly, Alice."

"I think we are, Amy."

"Hurry up, Jeffrey, there's no time to change."

I pulled on the rucksack, and we were out of the room, scampering down the corridor, when Sergeant Basset came into view.

"Get out a bundle of notes," I yelled over my shoulder.

"I'm ready," Susie cried, as we entered the bustling foyer.

"Then spread a little happiness."

"Get your free money here!" Susie tore off the wrapper and tossed the fifties high in the air behind us.

"Finders keepers - first come, first served."

A swarm of eager opportunists surged into the passage blocking Basset's way.

"Police, let me through, let me through!"

Basset's howling echoed after us as we disappeared into Adventureland.

"Keep going, Susie."

We raced up a long incline, hurdling over the obstacles.

"What do we do when we get to the top, Denise?"

"Jump for the fireman's pole, Susie; I'm right behind you."

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Stop it, Denise, we haven't time for pole dancing."

"I only had a little swing around at the bottom like you."

"How was it?"

"Great, but I don't think mum will let me have one in my bedroom."

"Back to business, Denise - where next?"

"Through there."

We hit the deck and continued our great escape through a canvas tunnel.

We came out the other side and scrambled to our feet.

"Oh, there's no motorbike as well as no lifts - what a double swizz!"

"This way, Susie."

"Where are we going, Denise."

"I don't know."

We dashed down a series of corridors and up a level or two until we came to a door marked 'Maintenance Staff Only'.

"It's a dead-end, Jeffrey, and I can hear the patter of flat feet closing in on us."

I pushed on the door, which obligingly swung open. "That's careless of them - after you, Susie."

"Hell, Jeffrey, more steps, and these look like a stairway to heaven."

"Snakes and ladders! Oh, Susie, you're not even to think about today's doings if mum's in the room."

"Up you go, Jeffrey, and don't look down. This is going to be a real test of our head for heights. Top of the Tower - here we come!"

 

Chapter 110

"That must be some sort of record, Susie - 407 steps in high heels."

"Trust you to keep count, Jeffrey."

"4 cubed plus 7 cubed steps, and weighed down with a bulging rucksack; that makes it even more worthy of note."

Susie hauled herself up and joined me on the lower viewing platform of the Tower. "I was giving valiant support from behind."

"We'll both be developing walloping country calves. It'll take a hundred miles of spinning on our bikes to compensate."

"You can forget that, Jeffrey."

"Not all at once, we'll work our way up to it."

"The only thing we're working our way up to is a car. I've had enough of your plan to tire me out. We've already climbed Everest twice today and run a marathon."

"Cycling will get easier the more miles you have under your bottom."

"No, it won't - you'll just go faster."

"I only want us to look nice for each other in mini-skirts and tights."

"Forget your showgirl legs for the moment, Jeffrey, and start exercising the little grey cells. Basset's still puffing his way after us. If we hang around here, he'll have time to get his second wind."

"There's a good chance he's already on his fifth or sixth, and he'll collapse at our feet in his moment of triumph like Pheidippides."

"Who?"

"The original marathon man."

"I always appreciate your classical allusions, Jeffrey, but I'd be happier if we had a fall-back plan - just in case your fall-down plan doesn't work."

"You favour a more proactive approach."

"And then some." Susie skipped across to the southwest leg and looked down through the glass floor at the street 400 feet below. "I wonder if Basset suffers from vertigo."

"Acrophobia."

"Fear of spiders - that's a bit of a longshot, Jeffrey. Have you found a big hairy one?"

"No, it's what you meant - fear of heights."

"Right, we'll go with the vertigo, and maybe he'll go horizonto. This is a dizzying view for someone that way inclined."

"It's hardly likely, seeing he hasn't frozen with fear so far."

"Basset's so obsessed with the money, he may not have realised how high he is. It might bring on an attack of the trembles if we lure him out here and sway from side to side."

"I'm not dancing the Macadoola-hula."

"Heroic actions are called for, Jeffrey - this is an emergency. Have you any better ideas?"

"Yes, don't break the glass. Come back, and we'll see what's behind that door."

I clacked over and jerked it open.

"Is there a mop and bucket to assault Basset with?"

"No, but there's more steps to push him even further into the red zone. It seems the only way is up."

"This is just like in the films, Jeffrey."

"How so, Susie?"

"Well, it's always the same - anyone being chased eventually climbs the highest thing around in a last desperate attempt to escape."

"Does it work?"

"Never - they always get caught. There's a terrific fight, and the hero ends up dangling over the edge, having his fingers stamped on."

"And then he falls off."

"No - when he's clinging on by a solitary pinky, the villain suddenly loses his footing. The good guy tries to save him, but the sleeve of the bad guy's shirt slowly rips away, stitch by stitch, and he plummets to his death."

"That sounds a bit farfetched, Susie."

"It's a film cliche, Jeffrey. You have to suspend your disbelief."

"I never do, Susie. And I can't see Basset being so obliging, either."

"Don't be so sure - there's many a slip."

"And there's another 100 feet to go - I'm pinning my hopes on him keeling over from exhaustion."

"Then onwards and upwards, Jeffrey."

"One things for sure," I observed, after we finally ran out of steps and came out onto the crow's nest, "we didn't peak too early by a long chalk."

Susie gazed up at the weathervane perched on the pinnacle of the Tower. "We should have brought a flag to keep the three flying ducks company, Jeffrey. Isn't that the done thing when you reach the summit?"

"It may be, but there's one slippery pole I don't fancy climbing."

"Or dancing around - this could definitely give someone vertigo."

"Hold on tight, Susie; it's dangerous up here, even if you haven't got acrophobia. The wind's gusting, and that scaffolding doesn't seem too secure."

"Which might work in our favour." Susie edged towards the under-repair ironwork for a closer look. "This leads right off into space - perhaps we can persuade Basset to walk the plank."

"Be careful, Susie, there's a gap in the rails."

"Typical builders - they start a job and then magically vanish for a week."

"I wish we could; there's no other way out. We've reached the end of the road."

"It's not all doom and gloom, Jeffrey. We still have your Percy to confront Basset with."

I had a quick glance over the side at the 500 feet of empty space. "I don't think this is the ideal place to provoke him, Susie. It's a long drop - and we're lacking a parachute or two."

"Then we'll keep the little fellow in reserve for now, because I've already thought of another cunning plan."

"What have I to do?"

"Nothing - when Basset arrives, I'll scatter a few bundles of fifties about. He'll take the bait, and while he's scrambling around after them, we swerve past, best rugby fashion, shoot down the ladder, and jam the door shut behind us."

"And how do we jam the door?"

"I'm leaving that minor detail to you, Jeffrey."

"We can but try," I sighed. "Come on, let's get ready for the final showdown."

We crossed to the opposite side of the floor, I slipped off the rucksack, and, with the wind ruffling our hair, we waited.

"Has inspiration struck, Jeffrey?"

"Not yet - how would MacGyver get out of this predicament, Susie?"

"He'd zip-line to freedom, using his belt and bat-rope."

"He's two up on me there. What if he was wearing stilettos and a pair of tights?"

"I missed that episode, but you can be sure he worked wonders with them. He probably fashioned a bolas and dispatched his enemies with a deft flick of the wrist."

"I'd favour a slingshot, but it's a bit chilly up here for stripping."

"And your tights are on the flimsy side for serious weaponry. It seems we're well and truly trapped, Jeffrey."

"Mum was right about avoiding ladders; we should have kept on running. It's my fault for leading you aloft, Susie."

"Je ne regrette rien, Jeffrey. It was worth the climb for the view alone."

"You're looking down on the biggest carpark in Europe, Susie."

"It makes you proud to be British, Jeffrey."

"It is quite a sight, but we can't spend all day counting cars, fascinating as it is. Let's lift up our eyes unto the hills, and see if there's any help to be had from that quarter."

"It's a pity you didn't bring along your U-boat captain's binoculars."

"That's something else I forgot to pack."

"Where's the Isle of Man? We don't want to miss spotting it after coming all this way."

"Over there - north by northwest."

Susie gazed out to sea before suddenly grabbing hold of me. "Hey, Jeffrey, am I imagining things, or is the Tower really swaying?"

"It's rocking in the wind."

"Just as I anticipated," Susie smirked. "We'll revert to plan A, and see if we can make Basset building-sick."

"Maybe it isn't such a wild idea after all. Here he comes, and he doesn't sound too frisky."

"Uuuhhh! Uuuuuuhhhhh! Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh!" A dog-tired Basset clawed his way up the final steps.

"He looks as if he's emerged from the fiery furnace," I muttered.

"It shouldn't take much to push him over the edge."

"Uuuhhh! Uuuuuuhhhhh!" A bulging-eyed, crimson-faced sergeant emerged into the open.

"Per ardua ad astra," Susie smiled in welcome at the alarming sight.

Basset ignored us and crouched, hands on knees, tongue hanging out, panting for air. "Uuuhhh! Uuuuuuhhhhh!"

"We're sorry the case didn't turn out as expected," I apologised. "I hope you're not too disappointed."

"You sent me on a wild-goose chase," he finally managed to gasp.

"And now you're on a fool's errand up a blind tower."

"We'll see about that ... Uuuuhhhh! Uuuuhhhh!"

"Take a deep breath and count to a thousand," I advised. "You don't look too well; the height must have gone to your head."

"And your feet. Hold on to me, Tracy, it feels like the whole Tower's moving under us."

We linked arms and began shimmying.

"Stop that!"

"Are you feeling giddy?"

"Oooohhh!"

"Quick, look down and try to get your bearings."

"Ooooooooooooohhh!" Basset staggered and clutched at the ironwork for support.

"You're going to fall. Watch out, or you'll be over the rails."

"Oh, God! What's happening."

"Urrrrrrrrrrghh! Gurrrrggggh!" Basset blenched and his eyes rolled up. "Hooooorrrrrrrkk! Hooooorrrrrrrkk!"

"MacGyver would be proud of us, Sharon - we didn't even need a paper-clip."

"Oooooogh! Wooooogh! I'm dying."

"Don't panic - lie flat and put your head between your knees, while we go for mountain rescue. Come on, Tracy."

"Stay where you are," Basset croaked. With an effort that brought an alarming puce colour back to his cheeks, he righted himself. "You're not leaving until I get that money. I've worked too damn hard for it."

"It's time for plan B," I whispered.

"No more tricks - hand it over."

"Okay, Tracy's talked me into it - here's your first instalment." Susie pitched a bundle of notes across the divide.

"Oooowww!" It bounced off Basset's nose and landed in the puddle of puke.

"You threw it like a girl - make him move for it."

"It's this silly jacket - it's too tight. I'll be okay now I've popped a few stitches." Susie drew back her arm and dispatched another wad. "Ooops, I overcompensated."

"What the hell are you doing?" Basset howled, as it flew over the side and disappeared into the void.

"You sliced it, Sharon - have another go. It's only money; we can easily buy some more."

Basset wasn't amused. "I'll take that out of your hides," he threatened, unsteadily advancing towards us on legs still a stranger to his body.

"Keep back, or the rest will be joining it." Susie heaved the rucksack up onto the scaffolding.

The sergeant stopped in his tracks. "This is no place for a falling out - let's all calm down and negotiate. Give me the money, and you can go home without a stain on your characters."

"Talk's cheap."

"You can trust me; I don't want any fuss. I've let Charlie and Dougie off scot-free. Why should I be any less generous to you?"

"You haven't counted the money yet."

"I understand." Basset forced a smile. "It's okay if a bundle or two's gone missing; you deserve something for your trouble."

"What do you think, Tracy?"

"We'll swap it for his mobile, Sharon."

"You don't have to worry," he grunted. "I certainly won't be calling the police."

"We'd like to be sure. You might change your tune once you get your hands on the spoils."

"There's no danger of that; this will remain our little secret."

"Money can have a funny effect on people; we want you incommunicado."

"Here you are, then," he relented, reaching into his pocket. "This is brand new, but as a show of good faith ..."

Whooooooooooooooooooosh!

"Oooooooohhhhh!"

A mini-whirlwind swept across the Tower top and knocked Susie sideways.

"Watch out!"

Whooooooooooooooooooosh!

"Oooooooohhhhh!"

A follow-up gust lifted the rucksack into the air.

"Save the money!" Basset screamed.

Susie grabbed the bag. "Help, Jeffrey! It's taking me with it," she cried, as the dead weight pulled her over the scaffolding.

"Hang on, Susie!" I jumped across and seized her around the waist. "I've got you."

"Never mind her! Save the money!"

"It's slipping, Jeffrey - I can't hold on!"

"Let go, Susie, before we're all blown away."

"Mind your heads down below!" Susie yelled, and released her grip.

"No, don't!"

"It's too late!"

We staggered back from the edge, and watched the rucksack, spilling out the bundles of notes, on its long descent.

"It's gone with wind. And it nearly took me with it," Susie gasped. "There's a moral there, somewhere."

"You're without money and without price, Sharon."

"Thank you, Tracy. You behaved like a true Cholmondeley."

"You little fools!" Sergeant Basset choked. "You've thrown away a fortune."

"And we don't give a damn," Susie snorted.

"You bloody soon will."

"Start knotting the sheets, Tracy."

"It's too late for that and for you."

"You've no time to bother with us; you'd better get down tout suite," I urged. "There are a lot of dishonest people about; they might not hand in your property at the nearest police station."

"You'll pay for this." Basset seethed, wobbling back into the doorway. "Now there'll have to be an official reckoning, and I'll need a pair of fall-girls."

"Keep your helmet on," Susie cried, "it's not all bad news. We've saved you from a bitter disillusionment."

"And a heap of trouble," I added. "Spending that money would have cost you your job and pension."

"Shut it! I've heard enough of your prattle to last me a lifetime."

"Just listen," I pleaded. "The good news is, you've lost nothing - the money was counterfeit."

"Counterfeit?"

"You've been pursuing Sharon, Tracy, and the mother of all MacGuffins - it wasn't worth the paper it was forged on."

"What do you take me for?" he raged. "I'd have to be a right noddy to fall for any more of your lies."

"It's true, and we've a hundred silent witnesses. Have a look at those notes," I urged. "They all have the same number."

"They can't have!" Basset picked up the bundle lying at his feet, wiped off the sick, and rifled through the fifties. "The bloody crooks! They were going to pay me off in wonky wonga."

"They've double-crossed you before you had a chance to double-cross them. So don't blame us - we've been absolutely straight with you from the very beginning, haven't we, Tracy?"

"Double indubitably, Sharon. But all is not lost - Sergeant Basset has prevented a major debasement of the currency. It's a noble achievement."

"And you'll get your reward - they'll probably put you on the cover of the Police Gazette."

"I want more than that. You're going to win me the 'Arrest of the Year' award and an inspectorship."

"What did I tell you, Sharon - hell hath no fury like a policeman conned."

"It's time to unleash our ultimate deterrent, Tracy. I hope you have it handy."

"Of course I do." I brandished Percy in the air. "We've never been parted."

"Where have you been hiding it, Tracy?"

"I'll tell you when we're alone, Sharon."

"Playtime's over - come here," Basset snarled. "We're going down, and then you're going down."

"No we're not - you've been trumped by my Percy." I waved the camera in the air. "Get away from the door, or you'll be starring on YouTube."

"You what?"

"Tracy's Percy is not all he seems. He's a miracle of miniaturisation and recorded our interview on the platform in living colour. One click of a mouse button, and he'll reveal your jiggery-pokery to the world."

"That little thing - I don't believe it."

"Your superiors will."

"They won't get the chance. Give it here." Basset thrust off towards us.

"Show us your up and under, Tracy."

"Catch!" I threw Percy high to Basset's right, and we took off to his left.

He dived for it, but was undone by his poopedness.

"Aaaawwwww!"

"The dog's returned to his vomit, Tracy."

"Aarrrgghhhh!" Basset skidded on the puddle of sick straight towards the gap in the railings.

"Whoops - he's heading for a fall."

"Tripped up by his own bobby trap, Sharon."

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellp!" Basset pitched forward, and desperately clutched at the scaffolding for support.

"Hang on!" we shouted.

He did, but shoddy council workmanship and jerry-building proved his final undoing as the rickety structure collapsed under his weight.

"Noooooooooooooooohhhh!"

Sending Basset pole-vaulting to his doom.

"Man overboard, Jeffrey."

"Health and safety will have something to say about this, Susie."

"AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrggggggghhhhhhh..............................!"

"That scream would curdle milk."

"It's all over, Susie. The fat lad's plunged."

We cautiously advanced and peeked over the remains of the scaffolding.

Splaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttt!

"That wasn't long for his whole life to pass before him, Jeffrey."

"About six seconds, Susie - he must have hit the ground at nearly a hundred miles per hour."

"What did I tell you, Jeffrey? It was just like in the films."

"Except we didn't get our fingers stamped on, and I never even lost a tassel."

"Or Percy," Susie smiled, retrieving the camera from the wreckage. "MacGyver himself couldn't have handled it better."

"We did 'Susie' and 'Jeffrey' ourselves when we should have 'Sharonned' and 'Tracied'."

"I don't think Basset noticed."

"Well, it doesn't matter now, anyway, Susie."

"As predicted, we've chalked up broken neck number three. I hope you've learned a lesson from this, Jeffrey."

"I have, Susie. Flight without feathers is not easy."

"Who said that, Jeffrey - Orville Wright?"

"No."

"Orville the Duck?"

"No, Plautus."

"A duck-billed one?"

"It's a classical quotation, Susie."

"You're a blinking show-off, Jeffrey."

"The good sergeant's the one who's gone Hollywood. There's a huge mob gapthering around him, and they're in a frenzy."

"I think they're more interested in looting his hard-earned cash."

"I'm afraid you're right, Susie. It's an ignominious end for a dedicated public servant."

"But all things considered, it couldn't have worked out better for us. Was it an accident, Jeffrey?"

"I think so, but I couldn't swear to it. He fell, but he wasn't pushed."

"Whatever the circumstances, there's no reason to blame ourselves, Jeffrey."

"I won't, Susie."

"Still, maybe we should say a few words over him."

"And when you have reached the mountain top, then shall you begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."

"Highly and lowly appropriate, Jeffrey - and dignified. It puts my 'bloody good riddance' to shame."

"I thought that was better left unsaid, Susie. After all, we have witnessed a tragedy. We can only hope some good comes from it."

"Well, today's events have certainly put things in perspective for me."

"You mean the futility of the pursuit of earthly riches, Susie."

"I wouldn't go that far, Jeffrey."

"But just look at all those silly little ants, scrambling around after the worthless paper we've dumped on them."

"In a funny way, Jeffrey, it gives me a tremendous feeling of power."

"You and the governor of the Bank of England, Susie. But I don't think you'll be honoured with a knighthood and an inflation-proof pension for conjuring up money out of thin air and debasing the currency."

 

Chapter 111

"We're back on terra firma, Jeffrey, and you've probably set another high heel record. We came down there like monkeys on a stick."

"We've made it, Susie," I sighed in relief, as I joined her at the bottom of the ladder. "We've got down before anyone got up."

Susie poked her head out into the passage. "It's all clear, and we're in the clear. The money's gone, Dougie's gone, and Basset's gone, gone, gone for good."

"Percy did his job, bless him, but not quite as planned."

"We took a big risk, casting our fate to the wind."

"Not so big." I'd removed the SD card. "We still had a record of Basset's indiscretions."

"I suppose we'll have to keep it to ourselves and let another sleeping dog lie. We're destined to be unsung heroes yet again."

"Which suits me fine, but it'd be better if the police had someone to arrest, even if he's one of their own, and he's dead. Maybe we can find a way to deliver it anonymously."

"That's another reward we'll be missing out on, Jeffrey."

"It can't be helped, Susie."

"We deserve something for our sterling efforts. Should we go and see if we've won a cup for the dancing?"

"Better not push our luck - let's get out of here as fast as we can." I closed the door behind us, and we retraced our steps along the corridors.

"We've suffered more than enough losses today - how about picking up our trainers?"

"It isn't worth the risk - they're expendable."

"Mine aren't," Susie protested. "They were second best and cost a bomb. And that's on top of my first best, which went to a quicksandy grave last week."

"You shouldn't squander money on designer labels. No one looks at your feet."

"Yes, they do. Shoes are an important indicator of social standing. Your choice of footwear sends out all sorts of subtle messages."

"I just like a pretty pair of high-heels."

"Which you're now revelling in, while I've waved good-bye to my Reeboks and an expensive outfit."

"Plastic leather pants and a luminous donkey jacket - you're well rid of them."

"It was a fashion experiment."

"Gone wrong."

"I can still salvage the shoes. Don't you want to change back into your cheerleader gear?"

"Only if you do."

"It'll go down better with your mother."

"No, it won't - I'm sticking with this. When mum gets over the shock, I can blame the whole thing on you. She's well aware of your fondness for playing vice-versa."

"And yours - it won't wash, Jeffrey."

"Yes it will. By the time we arrive home, I'll have come up with a perfectly rational explanation for being your young and sweet, dancing queen."

"I can't wait to hear it."

"You work on it as well."

"There's been a mass exodus, Jeffrey. Where's everyone gone?"

"It's not every day it rains pounds from heaven, Susie. Let's see what's happening and then get lost in the crowd."

We confidently strode through the now almost empty foyer and onto the street.

"They've gone mad with the police tape; nearly everywhere is out of bounds."

"I wouldn't be surprised if they're having difficulty collecting all the evidence, Susie. It looks like the treasure hunt's still in full swing."

We gave the scene of the crime a wide detour and made for the nearly deserted, windswept promenade.

"Someone's waving at us, Jeffrey. Smile, he's taking our picture."

I slowed and half hid behind Susie. "Well, he's had his luck - we're not paying for it. Come on, let's about turn."

"Don't go that way girls - it's not a sight for fair maidens' eyes," the man shouted, lowering his camera.

"Steve Spooner!" we chorused.

"The Gazette's on the spot, as always," he grinned. "And so are Susie and Denise. You girls certainly get around; that's the third time this week our paths have crossed. It's quite a coincidence."

"We only came out to see what the commotion was. We were minding our own business on the dance floor."

"So I see." Steve gave me a quizzical look. "You're all grown-up again, Denise."

"I'm still a child inside, and my mum's still a policewoman."

"I had a word with old Barry, and he said ..."

"Well, it's not true. He behaved very peculiarly, and we told him a few little fibs for our own protection." I anxiously looked around. "Mr Horrock's isn't here, is he?"

"He's taking a few days off to recuperate and boost his prospects for compensation. He's just liverish, but he's got the brass neck to claim he was hit on the head by flying debris. It won't work - he's lacking a bruise or two."

"He should complain of whiplash and a ringing in the ears," Susie suggested. "The insurance company wouldn't have a leg to stand on."

"That's not a bad idea; I'll pass it on to him. The longer he's out of action, the better it is for me," Spooner smirked. "I've got my bum on his chair and my feet on his desk. I'm doing the words and the pictures now."

"You must have been up to your waist in it with Horrocks de combat," I smiled. "Have you nosed out all the top stories?"

"I've never stopped; I'm putting my heart and soul into it. Covering all those chip pan fires has finally paid off - I've had my by-line on the front page every day this week. I suppose you read my interview with the woman on the hijacked bus?"

"No - did she have anything interesting to say?"

"Only after I'd put the words into her mouth. She was in shock and kept babbling - 'Hide me, sue him, hide me sue him' - or some such nonsense."

"It's a proven fact you can't rely on eye-witnesses."

"As I'm always telling dad, Denise, but he's an unbeliever."

"Well, it was true in this case, because what really happened is still shrouded in mystery. I resorted to a bit of journalistic licence and made the facts fit the fiction. I was really proud of my effort. It's a pity you missed it."

"We've been out of town visiting relatives."

"You'll have missed my Bluebeard piece as well, then. I let my imagination run riot on that too and paid lip service to the truth. The police were reluctant to give any details, but there were skeletons galore and indications of devil worship."

"They're all at it over the river. You'd better be careful what you write or the coven will put a spell on you," I warned. "Watch out they don't finger you Mr Spooner, and by the pricking of their thumbs, something wicked your way comes."

"I only dropped a hint. 'The late Lord of the Manor is suspected of being in league with the Horned One, and a follower of the Left Hand Path' was how I delicately phrased it."

"Say no more - you're sending shivers down our spines. Denise and I don't go in for sensationalism - we're old-fashioned girls. We've spent the afternoon quietly waltzing together."

"Dressed like that?" he goggled. "Isn't it a dirty dancing outfit, Denise?"

"I'm strictly ballroom," I pouted.

"But when we have the floor to ourselves, Denise sometimes up the pace for the polka."

"And our rumba is something to marvel at."

"How about giving me a twirl or two? I'm supposed to be covering the dance festival, but I was diverted by the sudden dash for cash."

"Shouldn't a true newshound be following the money?" I hinted.

"It vanished in all directions before I had the chance. I managed to get some gruesome corpse pictures, though. They'll turn your stomach - do you want to see them?"

"No thanks."

"They're the kind of things avant-garde artists win prizes for. What I need is a good title and a patron with more money than sense."

"I hope you find someone, but we've heard more than enough. Come on, Susie, we have to be going."

"Hang on a sec, while Steve tells us exactly what happened."

"How does this sound? Ace reporter, Scoop Spooner ..."

"Can you stick to the facts? I don't want to stand around here all day - the wind's playing havoc with my tassels."

"I have noticed," he grinned. "How about an up-skirt shot before you go?"

"Definitely not. Keep your eyes to yourself and get on with the story, before I give you the elbow."

Steve half averted his gaze. "Well, it's another chance to show off my creative flair, because it's another puzzle. A suicide who scattered money everywhere before topping himself."

"A sort of Jackass and Secret Millionaire."

"I may use that, Susie, if nothing better turns up after they've separated the bodies."

"Bodies?"

"The sky-diver landed on some poor unfortunate. They made mincemeat of each other and merged into one."

"Oh dear, Susie."

"Another attraction for Ripley's, Denise."

"Apparently it's what turns some people on. A sicko must have run off with an ear as a souvenir; they can only find three. Well, at least, they didn't steal his attache case; it was wedged between their bellies."

"Two birds with one stone, Denise."

"Old Nick came down on Dougie from a great height, as promised, Susie."

"Well, it wasn't our dad, but we did warn him about a red devil."

"What did you say?"

"A little prayer, Steve."

"Say one for me - an award winning picture, and it's too gory for the Gazette. I'll have to post it on Flickr."

"Never mind, Steve, here's a present you can use." I dropped the SD card into his hand.

"Where did that come from?"

"It floated down from above and landed in my hair. Look and listen, and you'll learn something of interest to an ace reporter."

"About what?"

"One of the deceased - and we want you to have all the credit."

"We're relying on you not to reveal your sources," Susie winked.

"You have my word as an officer and a gentleman of the press," he laughed, and raised his camera. "A close-up for my personal collection, please."

"Smile, Susie."

"Say cheese, Denise."

"I've enough for a taxi home, Susie," I offered, as we made our way along the promenade.

"I thought you'd insist on going by bus, Jeffrey."

"You deserve to travel in style after the day we've had."

"That's very considerate of you, Jeffrey, and I really appreciate it, but we won't get anywhere if you keep on dragging your heels."

"I had hopes we might meet up with Ernie. I don't want him, back in my shed, asking where all the money's gone."

"A topical question, but if he hasn't taken the low road, he'll read about it in tomorrow's paper."

"Not unless it makes the pages of the Racing Post or Greyhound News."

"Well, there's nothing we can do now. Come on, I thought you were embarrassed being up town, dressed down to the nines."

"Nobody's taking any notice. They must think we got detached from a hen party."

"We look a lot more classy than that."

"I suppose so, but I'm still working on how to convince mum these costumes were on special offer at B&Q."

"We'll say we've been shopping at Barnardo's; that has the ring of truth to it."

"It's a plausible 'where', but it leaves us with the 'why'."

"It was a moment of madness."

"I've had too many of those lately."

"Wanting to take up dancing isn't that mad; it could be just a fad."

"It'd seem odd, though, after the fuss I made when mum suggested I have lessons; she thought it would bring me out of myself."

"Well, it wouldn't be so bad. You'll enjoy my twirling you around, and sending all those underskirts flying."

"I don't think that's exactly what mum had in mind."

"She'll still regard it as a social asset."

"Possibly, but we'll have to be careful. We don't want to spend the winter evenings sewing on sequins."

"It'll be a lot more fun than building a boat."

"No, it won't."

 

Chapter 112

"Suffering ice cakes, Jeffrey, look who's hopping towards us."

"He's turned up at last, Susie."

"Better late than never, I suppose."

"I'm not so sure about that."

Ernie limped painfully along, supporting himself with a hand on the wall.

"He's somewhat the worse for wear, Jeffrey."

"A lotwhat, Susie - he's a broken man. One who already knows his dreams have been shattered."

"That's all I've got to show for it," Ernie wailed. "Two bloody halves, and not even matching." He screwed up the torn notes and hurled them into the gutter.

"Over here, Ernie," I shouted.

He raised his head, but remained rooted to the spot, silently wiping a tear from his eye.

"I think he's in shock, Jeffrey. We may have a crocked Crockett on our hands."

"I don't want him crying on my shoulder, Susie."

"Show some sympathy, Jeffrey, but be careful he doesn't bury his face in Pinky and Perky."

"Aw, Susie."

I dropped behind her, as she gave him a wave. "Don't just stand there, Ernie - shake your good leg. It really is us."

We were alongside, when he finally found his voice, and he was gentleman enough to enquire after my welfare first. "Aren't you cold, Jeffrey - do you want to borrow my pullover?"

"No thanks - I'm quite comfortable. And before you ask, we're incognito - it was an operational necessity."

"Why are you dressed as a pole dancer?"

"I've just told you - and I'm not."

"Yes you are. Kelly's got the exact same outfit. She's retired, but she could give you a few pointers if you're new to the game."

"I'm not taking up pole dancing - can we let it drop?"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of; it's a respectable profession and well paid."

"I'll bear it in mind."

"You'd get plenty of tips. You look very nice - and so does Susie."

"Thank you, Ernie."

"Kelly's got a trouser suit as well."

"What's the matter with you, Ernie - isn't there something you're dying to know?"

"I'm frightened to ask." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "What happened to my money, Jeffrey?"

"Don't 'Jeffrey' me, when I'm looking nice," I hissed. "It'll confuse people."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, but what about my money?"

"Tell him, Susie."

"Things didn't go as smoothly as you hoped - unforeseen complications raised their ugly heads. We were chased all over town and finally had to redistribute your wealth to get away."

"And there's not a bull's-eye left?"

"Not even an aniseed ball. We'd daringly evaded our pursuers only for you to leave us standing outside the Tower, like cheese at fourpence. We were surrounded and lucky to escape with our ears."

Ernie turned woefully to me. "Say it hasn't really gone, Jeffrey."

"I'm sorry, Ernie, but it's your own fault; everyone was waiting for us - except you."

"I did my best, Jeffrey. I had an accident. If you hadn't got there before me, we'd have arrived at the same time."

"Where've you been, and where's my bike?"

"A pedal fell off, and I fell off. It broke clean away, and I broke my ankle. I've dragged my foot for miles, like that blooming mummy monster. I'm a walking, bleeding miracle."

"Why didn't you get a bus?"

"The fart of a driver threw me off when I tried to pay with a fifty-pound note," Ernie groaned, easing himself up onto the wall. "And when the taxi-man got a whiff of me, he vanished like a shot."

"The sea breeze and ozone must have worked wonders because you smell okay now."

Ernie sniffed his armpit. "You aren't just saying that."

"No, you'd be welcome anywhere - except my shed. Is anything else bothering you before we go?"

"You seem to have ice around your belly-button, Dennis. Are you sure you aren't cold?"

"I'm fine. Stop staring."

"It's Denise, Ernie, and she hasn't even a goose pimple. Like all girls, she has an extra layer of subcutaneous fat."

"A what?"

"It's an evolutionary ..."

"We haven't time for detailed scientific explanations, Susie, or we'll be here until midnight. Let's just bring Ernie up to date with the funny money facts and go."

"It's no laughing matter, Jeffrey, but if you've ten minutes to spare, I've a few questions about what exactly happened."

"It won't change anything, Ernie, but ask away."

"Why were my fifty-pound notes blowing in the wind? Everyone was fighting for a share. I didn't have a chance with my bad leg. The bigger shoes seller and his dog scarpered with more than me."

"Well, it won't do them any good, because it's all counterfeit."

"Counterfeit?"

"Forged."

"Never!" Ernie spluttered. "You're just saying that. It was the real thing - nothing like monopoly money."

"It was fake."

"It can't be - I spent one with no trouble."

"You wouldn't have got away with it for long. The numbers are identical - didn't you notice?"

"All big numbers look the same to me. Are you sure?"

"Check the ones you've got."

Ernie took out his wallet and slowly worked his way through the notes. "Well, I'll go to the foot of our stairs," he muttered. "Bugger me, you're right, Jeffrey. I just knew it was too good to be true."

"I'm glad you're convinced. Are you happy now that you've lost nothing?"

"Not really - you didn't have to throw the lot away. People don't bother about the numbers, and it's almost money."

"The sort that would have landed you in big trouble. Get rid of those as well."

"That'd be a waste. I'll spend them one at a time when nobody's looking."

"It's too late - the cash's out of the bag. Everyone will be on their guard for fake fifties. They're hot money - shove them down the grid."

"Aw, Jeffrey, can't I hide them away for a year or two?"

"What if the police come round and search your place?"

"Why should they?"

"Because of the company you keep - put them down the grid."

"How about in the bin?"

"Down the grid - then you won't be tempted to come back for them."

Ernie bent over and posted his windfall to the sewage plant. "This is breaking my heart."

"Count your blessings - you don't know how lucky you are."

"What do you mean, 'lucky'?" he moaned, pushing in the last note.

"We've saved you from ten years in prison on a counterfeiting charge, relieved you of all worries about returning the money, and disposed of your enemies."

"Which ones? I've so many."

"Lugless Douglas and Sergeant Basset - he was on your trail too."

"You shouldn't have tangled with him, Jeffrey. He's a right basket and bent as a fairground rifle. Once he gets his teeth into someone ..."

"It's a bit late to warn us now. But you don't have to worry, Basset's disappeared into the face of the Earth."

"Come again."

"He's at one with Lugless Douglas. They were reunited in death."

"You've lost me."

Susie clapped her hands together. "They're both as fat as pancakes. Didn't you have a gawk at the accident?"

"You mean they were the bodies." Ernie's eyes popped out. "How did that happen?"

"Well ..."

"We shouldn't speculate, Susie. You'll have to read all about it in tomorrow's paper, Ernie. We haven't a clue."

"You can tell me, Jeffrey; I can keep a secret."

"No, you can't."

"I can when I'm sober."

"You're sober now, but even a simple change of name is too much for you."

"No, it's not - I only call myself Crockbottom when I'm slightly tipsy, Dennis ... sorry ... Jeffrey."

"Oh, forget it and forget everything about today, Ernie. All you need to know is you're in the clear to go home to wife and family. Isn't that enough?"

Ernie stared longingly down at the grid. "You could have let me keep a few."

"A fifty-pound note won't kiss you back."

"When you put it that way ..."

"It's the only way, and you should be bloody grateful," Susie snorted. "At great personal risk and horrendous expense, we've got you out of even deeper shit than last time."

"And you've almost come up smelling of roses, Ernie."

"But I was as rich as Crisis - a millionaire, even."

"Dream on, Ernie - maybe next year."

"I suppose so - but I'm stony now. Could you lend me the fare home, Jeffrey?"

"Yes," I smiled. "I don't want you living from hand to pocket. Turn around, Ernie."

"What?"

"Just do it."

He did, but sneaked a glance as Pinky and Perky yielded up the goods.

"They are real, aren't they, Denise," he grinned, when I handed over the twenty-pound notes. "They certainly look it."

"You can spend them with confidence," I assured him.

"Hey, there's two hundred here."

"Where did they come from, Jeffrey?"

"I found them down the side of the case while you were checking the fifties, Susie."

"And you never said."

"I wanted to surprise you."

"And you certainly have."

Ernie half-passed the money back "Are you sure about this? It's more than generous."

"You're owed it for the hire of your van."

"Course I am - I forgot," he beamed. "I don't know how to thank you, Jeffrey."

"Just try and stay out of bother."

"I will, and I won't hang about. I'm spitting feathers; I need a thirst quencher - if that's okay with you."

"It's a poor heart that never rejoices. Goodbye Ernie."

"Bye, Jeffrey, bye, Susie - see you. I'm off for a pop or two."

"Bye, Ernie, and remember it's thanks to us you aren't drinking legal aid," Susie laughed.

We waved him away, and, singing a happy tune, he hopped along at remarkable speed for a man with a broken ankle.

"I hope I'm not guilty of encouraging Ernie to pursue a life of beer and skittles, Susie."

"You may have been over-generous, Jeffrey. Debenhams is only around the corner - we could have bought ourselves complete new outfits."

"Ernie needs it more than we do."

"And you would've had enough left over for a lawnmower belt. It'd have saved you explaining things to your mum."

"Where's the challenge in that, Susie?"

"But it's ten more twenties gone west, Jeffrey, and I never even shook hands with them."

"Easy come, easy go, Susie."

"That's another success for us, Jeffrey. The only downside is the expenses we incurred."

"Plus three more dead bodies, Susie."

"They got their just puddings, Jeffrey."

"And an escaped python, and a broken bike."

"It was our first case - we'll write it all off to experience."

"What do mean first case?"

"Well, if you're still not keen on being a secret shopper, we can give private eyeing a whirl. It may be our natural calling - folk can't resist spilling the beans to me."

"Such as who?"

"You."

"I talk a lot of nonsense, Susie."

"But I know how to sort the wit from your chat, Jeffrey."

"Not always."

"And sleuthing will give us plenty of opportunities to go undercover - you'll like that. I wonder what's the best way to get started."

"Put a card in the Post Office."

"Right - and we could print up some flyers. 'Smith and Jones' is a cracking good name for a detective agency - it oozes integrity and reliability. What do you think, Jeffrey?"

"I'll consider it on our seven mile walk home."

"No way! You promised me a taxi."

"That was before we had to pick up my bike."

"You're joking, aren't you?"

"I can't just leave it."

"Yes, you can."

"I'll give you a crossy when we find it."

"Without a pedal?"

"Oooh."

"Don't look so dismayed; the thing only cost fifty pence."

"That's not its replacement value."

"We'll go to an auction, and you can have the excitement of bidding for another bargain - an even better one."

"I suppose I could write it off. It's my odd bike out as far as spares are concerned. And that clunking pedal was annoying; I never did get to the bottom of it."

"Come on, this way before you change your mind." Susie linked arms and steered me towards the taxi rank. "I'll make it up to you tonight."

"Okay," I grinned.

"I'm really proud of you, Jeffrey; you've taken a financial hammering, lost your bike, and you can still manage a smile."

"I have another little surprise for you, Susie."

"It's not where you tucked away Percy, is it?"

"I wouldn't be smiling about that."

"What is amusing you, then?"

"Our modest profit - I took out our expenses in advance. More than Ernie's two hundred were in the case." I produced a wad of twenties from the back of my waistband and waved them under Susie's nose. "I thought a three-way split was fair. Here, help yourself to some uneasy money."

"Well, I'll stroll backwards!" Susie flipped through the notes. "They're used and they're all different. Some of them are a bit grubby, though, considering they've been laundered."

"We can spend those and save the rest for your car."

"We deserve a more immediate reward for the amount of legwork we've put in, Jeffrey. We'll go on a spending spree and blow the lot on luxuries."

"That's fine with me - I could do with a second shed."

"Sometimes, even I'm astonished how we keep coming out on top, Jeffrey."

"It seems God is smiling on the riotous, Susie."

"And moving in a mysterious daze, her wonders to perform."

"But could she have persuaded you to hike all the way home with me, Susie?"

"I shouldn't be at all surprised, Jeffrey."

"Really, Susie?"

"I'm flattered, Susie."

"I'm mad for you, Jeffrey."

"We're mad for each other, Susie."