"Oh Susie, what if I get a thing about bridal gowns as well?"

"I'll be disappointed if you don't, Jeffrey. I've always wanted to snog a girl under a veil."

"That's all very well, but this is already turning out to be a very expensive hobby. If we start acting out your wedding fantasies, I'm never going to have any money," I moaned. "Couldn't you have just as much fun dressing me up in black bin liners and brown parcel tape?"

Susie and Jeffrey 19 - 24 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 19

"Susie, this is madness," I protested and tried to change course. "Mum will be here at five. There's hardly enough time to swap back as it is."

"Don't get so worked up, Jeffrey."

"It's all right for you," I spluttered and managed to drag her to a halt. "But what am I going to say when mum comes looking for us and finds me posing in a wedding dress?"

"There's no need to worry ..."

"No need to worry," I seethed. "She'll think that's what this whole weekend has been about - a scheme to publicly flaunt myself in the most feminine manner possible."

"Calm down - you should know by now you can rely on my meticulous attention to every little detail," Susie smirked. "I've already rung your mother and explained we were going to be delayed."

"What did she say - was she upset?"

"No, she was quite happy about it. Your mum's going out later and now she won't have to rush."

"Why didn't you tell me this before - and your little arrangement with Stephanie?"

"You had enough on your plate handling Slope. I didn't want to upset you with the prospect of having to hang around a little longer."

I looked up at the ceiling. "Thoughtful as ever." Susie used my lapse in concentration to get us underway again. "Hang on, from what I've seen, it takes brides all morning to get ready; we'll be here for hours."

"If you cooperate and do as she says, Stephanie will have you ready to walk down the aisle in no time. She's a consummate professional."

"Then when she gets a close-up of me she'll know my little secret." I flung out my arm and swung the pair of us around the next pillar.

"Now you're being silly, Jeffrey," Susie hissed. "The other night, my mum did more than give your hair the once-over. She finds it hard to believe you're really a boy - and that was without seeing an incipient pair of bouncy boobs."

"They won't come to my rescue this time, Susie. I'm sure to give myself away. I'm not well up on bride behaviour."

"Most sixteen year old girls aren't, Jeffrey. Just be guided by Stephanie - she'll tell you exactly what to do."

"This isn't you and me in my bedroom," I whined. "She'll want me to perform in front of a bunch of strangers."

"Once you're in the dress and veil, the exhibitionist in Denise will be fully unleashed - I won't be able to get you down off the catwalk."

"The scary thing is you may be right," I groaned, "but it's too much of a risk. We'll have to think of some excuse to get out of it."

"We can't stand here arguing or Stephanie will wonder what's the matter."

I glanced across the room to where she was waiting and waved my arm in what I hoped was a 'just a minute' gesture.

I turned back to Susie. "First, I want to hear what you said to mum."

"I told a little white lie, Jeffrey - I thought it best to say the chess tournament had overrun."

I threw up my arms in exasperation. "And why did you have to do that?"

Susie responded with a fit of giggling.

"Please, not now."

"I'm sorry, but when Jeffrey gets heated, he becomes even sexier as Denise. Her little breasts almost jump out of their cups in excitement."

I pulled up my bustier. "In future, this is strictly indoor wear," I insisted. "Now, can we be serious - why didn't you want mum to know about your modelling job?"

"Don't be so dense: she thinks I'm dressed like you are - she could easily have jumped to the wrong conclusion."

I slapped my forehead. "I knew it - there's something dodgy about this whole deal. Why would she pick someone dressed like this for a model - does she think I'm a stripper?"

"Of course not," Susie snorted. "You look nothing like a stripper."

"Well, that's no thanks to you - it's a miracle I haven't fallen out of these clothes already."

"Oh, quit moaning and come on."

"Hold on a minute. What exactly do you know about this job - it isn't a private show for an exclusive audience, up in her room, is it?"

"Now you're being plain silly, Jeffrey. Stephanie advertises her bridal gowns in Lancashire Life. You'll be parading before members of the county set, no less. I've secured you a high-class assignment," she declared. "So behave accordingly."

"This is too much," I objected. "I'm not acting the snooty bitch - I only ever wanted to be your typical girl next door."

"That'll be fine: just remember to let Denise show off her natural refinement."

Before I could answer, Susie jerked me away from the pillar. "Look out, you're going to have me slithering on my bloody arse."

"Oops sorry, but you shouldn't be engaging in a tug-of-war. Especially when you're indulging your fetish for tight skirts and high heels."

"Oh Susie, what if I get a thing about bridal gowns as well?"

"I'll be disappointed if you don't, Jeffrey. I've always wanted to snog a girl under a veil."

"That's all very well, but this is already turning out to be a very expensive hobby. If we start acting out your wedding fantasies, I'm never going to have any money," I moaned. "Couldn't you have just as much fun dressing me up in black bin liners and brown parcel tape?"

"We can do that anytime - we should make the most of this chance." She broke into a grin. "I'm really looking forward to it; I'll have to see we get our photo taken together."

I groaned.

"Cheer up, it's supposed to be the happiest day of a girl's life." I managed a weak smile. "Come on, my princess bride can do better than that."

"A princess and a bride - won't you ever be satisfied?"

"Never, Jeffrey - I've a whole string of things for us to work our way through."

It was too late for more protests as Stephanie greeted me with open arms. "You're a lifesaver, my dear - stepping into the breach like this." She gave me a hug. "For a moment there, I was afraid you were having second thoughts."

Stephanie didn't look like the kind of woman to take no for an answer. Her clothes helped: I wouldn't mind seeing Susie dressed that way either - severe, but sexy.

"Well, I ...er..."

"I'm Susie, Denise's special friend. She was feeling shy, but I talked her round." She kissed me on the cheek and winked at Stephanie. "Denise is secretly dying for me to see her all dolled up. Will it be all right if I come along and give her moral support?"

"Of course, dear - an extra pair of hands is always welcome. Just remember though," she emphasized, "I don't 'doll people up' - I'm an artist in silk and satin."

"Sorry, I'm a bit of a nerd fashionwise. My mind's usually on higher things, but I love to dress up Denise. What do you think of my latest effort?"

"You may have gone a little over the top."

"I know: Denise wasn't too keen, but she's wearing it to please me."

"Well, her look is ideal for my purposes. It'll show them my gowns can turn a ladette into a lady."

"A lad into a lady might be even better," Susie giggled.

"I did once have a boy in the audience volunteer." she laughed. "He would have been a popular choice, but I really need someone who can show off my dresses to advantage."

"Some boys have cute figures."

"It would have been fun, but not just anyone can be a Miss Stephanie girl. It's an honour, if I do say so myself," she preened. "Besides, I have to think of my reputation - some people might not appreciate such a prank."

"There's a way out for you, Jeffrey," Susie snickered in my ear. "Are you going to confess all?"

"No, I'll only land in more bother - besides it's three against one."

"It's rude to whisper, girls."

"Sorry, Denise is having doubts again. She's afraid she may not be feminine enough - there's a lot of the tomboy in her."

"Come here, darling." Stephanie took off my sunglasses and wig. "There, I knew it from the moment I first saw you - you're going to be perfect."

I blinked and shook out my hair. "Okay, but don't let Susie tease me about wanting to be a boy."

"Don't worry, sweetie - it's all part of growing up," she smiled. "Nature will out - you were born to take part in a fairy-tale wedding. Now, here's what I want you to do."

Stephanie was well into her sales patter; I turned to Susie. "I want the money for this," I whispered. "In cash - and before we get home."

"Shush, Denise, just wait until you see yourself in a mirror - such mundane matters will be the last thing on your mind."

"I'm about to experience a transport of delight, am I?"

"Indubitably," Susie smirked. "And then you'll be begging me to buy you a dress of your very own - so no more griping over the distribution of our capital."

"Maybe you should think of switching to economics for A-level," I suggested. "It'd be much more useful careerwise. Psychology - that's only good for personnel departments."

"Too many sums, I'm afraid," Susie sighed.

"In that case, would home economics appeal to you? That was mum's favourite."

"I don't think so, Denise."

"Domestic science then?" I offered. "Gran swears by it."

"You're pushing your luck, Jeffrey," she hissed.

"I don't know what you mean, Susie. I've always accepted our relationship will be built on liberty, equality and your maternity."

"If you don't watch it, I'll be taking you out with a cushion stuffed up your dress and pushing a pram," she threatened.

I was fortunate Stephanie called for volunteers before I said anything rash.

"Right, who wants to be my victim?"

My hand shot up; I wasn't alone, but I was the only boy.

Stephanie looked us over. "I like a real challenge - how about our gum chewing little punkette over there? Come out here, dear and bring your friend along with you."

We left our seats and as instructed earlier, I shimmied to the front whilst blowing a large pink bubble. I sealed it off and pinched it into a dumbbell shape. "Here you are, Susie - another little trophy to go with the others."

"Thank you, Denise - they're safe in my care. I know you regard them as a bit of a nuisance, but you'll need them for school on Monday."

We reached the front and Stephanie put an arm around each of us. "Right, tell everyone your names, dears."

"I'm Susie and this is my friend Denise. I dared her to do this - I can't wait to see her all dressed up."

There was a ripple of laughter around the room. "And what about you, Denise - are you looking forward to your transformation?"

"Not really, this is all Susie's idea. I'm not into pretty-pretty stuff."

"One of Stephanie's gowns can work its magic even on a girl like you. First though, let me give our audience some tips on bridal make-up."

She ushered me into her chair; I sat back and shut my eyes and she started work on my face. I played over my prize-winning game from round one and thankfully only caught snatches of her running commentary.

"Foundation ... shadow ... nails, Susie ... careful with the glue ... lashes on ... eyes open ... eyes closed ... stay on permanent colour... coating on lips ... withstand a night of passion ... all finished."

"Stand up, dear - and smile. Don't be shy, you look lovely."

She took me by the shoulders and to a round of applause stood me alongside Susie. "Have you ever been made up like this?"

"Never, Denise, you're one up on me there."

I blinked and my false eyelashes fluttered. I liked the feeling and gave a little wave to the audience.

"You don't think I'm too young to carry this look off," I asked anxiously.

"Well, I don't' suppose it's the kind of thing you could wear to school every day. But don't worry," she added ominously, "there'll be plenty of special occasions when you can indulge yourself."

Stephanie's voice came from behind us. "Take Denise into the changing room, Susie and help her into the underwear and dress, I'll come and do the final lacing up after I've seen to the cosmetic orders."

On the way, I had a first glimpse of my long scarlet nails. "Hell, I could put someone's eye out with these babies - my own included."

"You'll be okay: you're not going to be saluting anyone this evening." She pushed me through the curtain. "Hurry up and get undressed."

Susie unzipped my skirt and I stepped out of it while still fumbling with the bustier. "I need some practice with these nails - you'll have to help."

She undid the fastenings and peeled it off. "I suppose I'll have to dress you as well."

I caught sight of the bridal underwear. "This is a real honeymoon night outfit, Susie. Are you sure it's right for wearing with a wedding dress."

"Stephanie knows best. Come on, if we don't get a move on she'll see you like this - not that it would disillusion her."

"Well mind how you go, it's provocative enough without any teasing from you."

Susie rubbed the panties against her cheek. "You'll love them."

"Maybe so, but it seems a bit extravagant when they'll be hidden away."

"I'll know you're wearing them and so will you," Susie smiled. "They'll remind you to behave extra feminine - here, step into these."

Before long, I was encased in a full set of satin lingerie. "You're two up on me now, Denise - I've never worn anything like that."

"Stop drooling and help me get the dress on before Stephanie comes in." I ran my hands down my sides and shivered. "These undies are wonderful, but they're for your eyes only."

Susie smiled and dropped the gown over my head. I wriggled into it. I noticed the ruched bodice and the flounces on the skirt and felt the layers of underskirts. I shuddered - and shuddered again when I imagined the price.

Susie settled the top over my breasts. "Your bare shoulders are very provocative."

"Oh don't, Susie - I was just congratulating myself on hiding away Pinky and Perky. Now, you're going to make me self-conscious about another erogenous zone."

"Never mind that, just wait until you see yourself in the mirror." She turned me around. "Get an eyeful of that, Denise."

"Oh my God, I look like a magazine cover." I batted my eyelashes and gave a bright red pout. "You'll have to watch out for me, Susie, this is making Denise quite giddy. She may be reckless if she runs into someone who knows Jeffrey."

"I don't think you're in any danger of being recognised at the moment," Susie mumbled, as she nuzzled on my shoulder.

I tried out a few more expressions while Susie clasped me tightly around the waist from behind. "I heard an awful lot of talk about permanent and glue - I hope this stuff is going to come off all right." I kissed the back of my hand. "Hey, it doesn't even leave a mark."

"Don't worry, Stephanie will see to it." She turned me around. "But first I'll have a try."

Susie was making a valiant effort when we were disturbed. Stephanie came in and a huge smile spread over her face.

"Don't mind me, girls - carry on. I prefer models like you. Boyfriends are such a nuisance - look how I've been let down today."

"I was just giving Denise's lipstick a test."

"It won't come off that way. You'll need make-up remover and twenty-four hours to get rid of it completely."

"But I've got school tomorrow and they're strict about that sort of thing. What am I going to do?"

"You'll be all right, honey - tell them it's the healthy red glow of a girl in love," she grinned. "Turn around and let me get to work on those laces."

"Oof."

"Breathe in, darling, the tighter it is the more pleasure you'll feel," she promised.

"Oof, are you sure?" I gasped.

"Perfectly." Stephanie gave a last tug and spent ages tying what must be a Gordian knot. She kissed me on the shoulder. "Denise is our prisoner now, Susie," she laughed. "Pass me the headdress, please."

The long silken veil swished across my bare shoulders and down to my waist. I gave an involuntary tremble. "There's no need to be nervous, you're lovely - let's go and meet your public. Give her your arm, Susie."

I gulped as Stephanie drew back the curtain. Susie whispered in my ear. "One day we'll be doing this for real."

"Give a good performance and perhaps I'll let you model for me again at the Wedding Fayre next month. Would you like that?"

"Give it your best, Denise," Susie encouraged "It'll be a nice day out for us."

"How about having Susie as the model next time?"

"I'll see. It's a big event - I could use you both." She ushered us along. "We'll talk about it later. Now, don't be nervous. Everyone loves a bride - especially one as pretty as you."

We arrived in front of the audience to a round of applause. "Up and down the aisle." Stephanie sent me on my way with a tap on the bottom.

"Isn't she sweet."

"I can't believe it's the same girl."

I blushed a little, but I couldn't help smiling at the sea of faces. I felt quite secure behind the make-up and in the dress. And I liked being admired as Denise. I wonder if this is how actors feel.

On the way back, I felt I was really getting the hang of this modelling lark - it's money for jam. I wondered whether I should tell Susie that. Better not - just yet.

Susie linked arms and joined me on my second trip and we finished off with a kiss, which was greeted with some enthusiasm.

"Maybe they'd applaud even louder if they knew what they were really witnessing," Susie whispered.

"Oh my God," I gasped. "I think this whole experience is becoming too much for me - now I can hear a ringing in my ears."

"Me too, Denise."

Brrrriiiiiiiinnnnnggggggggg.

 

Chapter 20

"The fire alarm!" A panicky voice cried out.

"Please tell me it's the sound of wedding bells, Susie. I don't want to be dashing for safety got up like this."

"Somehow, Denise, I think you may have to postpone changing into your going away outfit."

Stephanie had been interrupted in the middle of discussing an order. "This is a damn silly time to hold a fire practice," she seethed. "They've ruined my day - I'll bloody sue them."

"I'm taking no chances," someone shouted. "This old place is a fire trap - I'm out of here."

There was a buzz of conversation and some of the audience began to leave. I looked at Susie in fright. "Get me out of this dress - it feels highly combustible. I'm sure I've read about brides going up in flames."

"Hang on, we haven't had our picture taken yet. Don't you want a souvenir of our first time as a happy couple?"

"We haven't time for that now," I yelped. "I'm not about to risk playing Joan of Arc for you."

"There's no need to worry, sweetie, you're fireproof." Stephanie stroked my hair through the veil. "Girls are safe from fire, flood and earthquake in my dresses - they're specially treated."

Susie took my arm. "Come on, I'll escort you to safety. The brave knight rescuing the helpless maiden," she grinned. "We'll have to play this at home."

"You focus on saving some clothes for yourself," I hissed. "I want those you've got on now. I can't go home dressed like this."

"There's no need to worry," Susie sniffed the air. "I can't smell anything; it's only a drill. We'll be back here in half an hour."

I was reassured until a security man with a loud hailer appeared at the door. "This isn't an exercise," he announced. "Please immediately evacuate the building in an orderly fashion. Don't be alarmed: there's a clear path to all the exits."

"See, Denise, I told you there was no fire," Susie crowed. "You can relax. It's only a bomb threat."

"A bomb!" Someone echoed.

The guard had nearly reached us. "Shush, not so loud we don't want a stampede."

Susie's words were being repeated around the room, followed by a surge towards the doors.

"There's no need to panic. The bomb squad are on their way," he shouted through the hailer. "By the way, has anyone noticed any suspicious bags?"

There was a crashing of chairs. Stephanie went white. "Come on," she cried, "let's get out of here."

"What about all your dresses - shouldn't we go back and get them?" Susie asked.

"Bugger the bloody things; they're not worth dying for. Anyway, I'm fully insured - it's about time I got something for my money." She dived into the crowd. "Follow me."

I pulled Susie back. "I'm going for our clothes - you find something to remove this make-up."

We were frustrated by the arrival of more hotel staff. "You can't come this way girls - use the far doors and hurry up."

"What am I going to do?" I groaned as they shepherded us away. "It'll take them ages to search this place. We'll never get back in tonight - I'm stuck like this."

Susie shrugged her shoulders. "We'll just have to work something out - we've plenty of time. There's no use worrying," she added brightly. "We may as well enjoy ourselves."

Susie linked arms and we set off down the aisle. "You're taking this very coolly - is there something you should be telling me?"

"You make a beautiful bride, Jeffrey."

"I already know that," I huffed. "And I suppose you thought it would be fun to take me home dressed like this?"

"It may have crossed my mind," Susie smiled.

I began to feel alarmed. "This couldn't be yet another of your crazy schemes, could it?"

"Do you think I would go that far for Denise, Jeffrey?"

"Well, you are mad about the boy as a girl and ... er..."

"And what?"

"You may be a touch irresponsible," I ventured. "Those are your parent's words, not mine - you were the one who told me."

Susie laughed. "Come on, you know I'm not stupid enough to start a bomb scare. Really, Jeffrey - you're becoming paranoid."

"They can trace phone calls - you won't get away with it."

"I swear this has nothing to do with me." Susie threw up her hands. "After what's happened to you since last Sunday, this is pretty much par for the course. Yet again, you're a victim of circumstances, Jeffrey."

"Will you two quit hanging about and get the hell out of here."

We pushed through the doors and started down the corridor.

"I don't mean to doubt you, Susie, but things have happened in eight days that shouldn't happen in eight years," I griped. "Sometimes it's hard to believe fate isn't being given a helping hand."

"Perhaps it's you. I noticed how you went out of your way to brush along the bridal rail in Barnardo's."

"I was just curious how they felt."

"Well, now you know - and from the inside. We can go back and buy one if you like."

"No thanks, I'm not spending any more money on clothes. Besides, none of them was as nice as this dress - I've been spoiled for any other."

"Then I don't know what you're complaining about," she huffed. "You moaned about wandering around half naked - well, now you're fully covered up in virginal white."

"It's not that modest - I'm still showing a lot of shoulder. They're sending out a definite 'come and get me' message."

"You don't help, swishing that veil back and forth over them. It's highly sensual, believe me."

"I can't help that," I protested. "The thing's designed to swish of its own accord."

"Take it off then."

"No way, I'd feel like I was walking around half naked. Anyway, I might need it to hide behind."

"Well, at least stop smiling and sighing with pleasure every time you move."

"With my underskirts moving over a full set of sexy satin underwear it's hard not to. What a way to go!" I exclaimed before casting my eyes upward. "I didn't mean it - I was only joking."

Susie laughed and swung me around a corner. "Get a move on - Heaven can wait."

"You realise we're going to be stuck ten miles from home with no transport," I moaned. "We should have kept up with Stephanie. She must have a big van - I could have changed in there."

"Into what?"

"Your stuff of course. Which is my stuff - lest you forget."

"And what about me?"

"She could have given us a lift home as well. Then, we'd only have to explain how you lost your skirt. That should be child's play for someone with your special gifts."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Jeffrey. A thing like that can get a girl a reputation."

"What about my reputation?"

"You've nothing to worry about there - Denise is a model of virtue."

"Forget it," I sighed. "But it's going to be difficult walking around like this - everyone will be curious about what's happened to me."

"You'll be okay. People will be falling over themselves to console a girl who's had her big day ruined."

"I don't want to get involved in twenty questions; it's just asking for trouble. I only have a Jeffrey life story - it'll be all too easy to give myself away. Someone could discover my little secret."

"Only if you go around shouting 'I'm a boy, I'm a boy, but my ma won't admit it' at the top of your voice - and even then, they won't believe you," Susie snorted. "They'll put it down to wedding day histrionics."

"But what if we run into someone who knows me - someone not sympathetic to a cross-dressing boy? Make that an extreme cross-dressing boy. Look at me - it's not like I can pretend I've just slipped on my sister's skirt because I'm suffering from chapped thighs."

"They'll hardly be expecting to see Jeffrey made-up in such finery Believe me, Stephanie has given you the full works. They may notice a vague resemblance, but they won't make the connection."

"But I'm with you, Susie - and in this outfit they're going to give me more than a fleeting glance - it won't be hard to put two and two together."

"All you need do is keep your eyes open and if you recognise anyone drop your veil - problem solved."

"You're hopeless."

Susie linked arms. "Come on, Snow White, I'll look after you - we make a perfect pair."

"Let's get one thing clear, Susie - I'm willing to perform for you like Snow White all night in the bedroom, but you're not buggering off every morning singing 'Heigh-ho, heigh-ho' and leaving me to do all the housework."

"Don't be too hasty, Denise may have a flair for the domestic," she laughed as we walked on down the corridor towards the exit. "I only wish I was wearing my black trouser-suit."

"Don't start that again - this isn't the place."

"Okay, but if we do arrive home with you as my blushing bride, promise you'll stay dressed until I've changed and we've had some pictures taken."

"Put those notions right out of your head - you should be making every effort to find a way for us to switch back."

"It'll be awkward - and you'll need more than soap and water to take that special make-up off - unless you want to give a convincing impression of Coco the clown."

I gave up. "We haven't the time to argue now - let's get out of here."

The corridor had emptied and we hurried along. We were passing the Doctor Who hall when I pulled Susie up. "Hold on a minute, what about Slope - do you think he's still in there?"

"Unless someone's moved him, he was well and truly bladdered."

The alarm was still hammering away. "We'd better check; we're the only ones who know he's in there."

"It'll be a lot of fuss over nothing. These things always turn out to be a hoax."

"Even so, he may be cooped up for hours before someone finds him."

"Come on, hurry up then. But just remember, Jeffrey - this was your idea if things go pear-shaped."

We crossed the floor towards a row of about a dozen daleks. "They're all mixed up, Susie - you start at the other end."

"No need, I've already spotted him. There's one standing in a yellow puddle."

"I suppose it was an easy mistake to make - thinking you're in a mobile commode."

"After you, Jeffrey."

"You can't expect me to wade through Slope's piss in this dress - it'd be sacrilege."

"You're right - wait there. I have to keep you in immaculate condition for later."

She went over, put her foot on the dalek and propelled it clear of the mess. "We'd better see if he's all right, Susie. He must be really sloshed."

We jerked open the front and Slope fell face down on the floor. "Go on, you're the one dressed to play the ministering angel." Susie pushed me forward. "If he sees you, he'll think he's died and gone to heaven."

I grabbed an arm and pulled him over onto his back. "What's the best thing to do with drunks?"

Susie surveyed the large damp patch. "Changing his nappy would be a good first step."

I grimaced and bent over to check his breathing.

Slope groaned and opened his eyes. "Oh, Barbie it's you." He struggled to focus. "I thought I was dreaming." He smiled in pleasure. "You're wonderful, Jeffrey - I'm sorry I've been such a shit."

I jumped back in alarm. "You're hallucinating - do I look like a Jeffrey?"

"You're the Jeffrey of my dreams," he slurred. "Give us a kiss, Barbie."

"Certainly not," I spluttered. "We've never met before; you're confusing me with someone else."

"Aw, don't be mad, I'm willing to forget any little differences we've had. I'm a changed person," he smiled. "I've completely forgiven myself."

"It doesn't work that way. And stop leering at me."

"Don't be coy: I know how you feel about me." He felt his groin and giggled. "Sugar lips has made me all wet, as usual - do it again." He made an effort and sat up.

"Keep away from me; you're sick - stay down there."

"I'll be perfectly okay once the room stops spinning. Ooh, Barbie - you're making me dizzy," he laughed, before he fell back and passed out with a smile on his face.

"I told you so," Susie smirked.

"Never mind 'I told you so' - we're buggered now."

"I'm certainly not - and it didn't sound like you've been yet, but I suppose he's working up to it."

"No doubt," I snorted. "Bloody hell, at least Robbie was a decent chap at the start. I wouldn't wish Slope on anyone."

"Perhaps they'll end up fighting over you."

"I don't think there's much chance of that. I'm definitely off Robbie's Christmas card list - he's in deep mourning over his car."

"Time's a great healer: he'll be chasing your ass again before too long."

"Go on - cheer me up."

"Okay," she grinned. "Got up like you are now, you could even persuade him to let me test drive his next car."

"There's no chance of that," I frowned. "Can we please get back to our immediate problem - what are we going to do about Slope? He called me Jeffrey."

"I don't think he actually recognised you - he'd been dreaming about Jeffrey as his girl, that's all."

"Dressed up as Barbie," I groaned.

"In her wedding outfit - I bet he has a whole collection of dolls he plays with," Susie gloated. "That would explain everything."

"I don't understand it, if that's what he wants, why doesn't he get himself a real girl with the full set of equipment?"

"He's one of those who doesn't like what we've got down there - he's scared it might bite."

"That sounds bizarre, considering what he asked me to do. You may well be misinformed again."

"Not this time, Jeffrey. He wants a pretty boy with breasts. It's a case of half a love is better than no bride at all," she concluded with a triumphant grin.

I gave her a little bow. "After that, your theory deserves to be true."

"It takes all sorts, Jeffrey."

"If you're right, I suppose I should feel some sympathy for him, but he's such an unpleasant swine," I sighed. "He'll never do good while he lives."

"Well, there's no need to worry, he's so smashed he won't remember a thing about today."

"He might have flashbacks."

"Only when he's drunk again."

"Well, I won't be around when he is."

"Or, if you arouse his subliminal memories, by giving him the eye."

"I'll do no such thing," I spluttered. "Why, the very thought of it!"

"You have to be careful, Jeffrey - under Denise's influence you may be tempted to have a little fun at his expense."

"Not that sort of fun, Susie, I can assure you," I protested. "Now, let's get him out of here."

She took his feet "You take the dry end, Jeffrey - I know my duty."

I got him by the arms.
"Ready - lift."

We struggled back to the corridor. "This is worse than that bloody dog," Susie puffed. "You don't think we've another stiff on our hands, do you?"

"I certainly hope not; it's still warm this end."

"It's warm, wet and whiffy down here, but I'm not complaining - I've already waded through a cesspit for you."

"I knew I'd found the right girl in you, Susie."

"The feeling's mutual, Denise."

"You can't leave him there; the exits have to be kept clear. Take him with you down the steps."

Susie turned to the security guard. "We're handing him over to you; he's your problem now."

"I'm sorry, Health and Safety won't allow it." He grinned at me. "It's 'for better or worse' - you haven't forgotten already, have you? Get him out of here."

"Denise isn't married to him and he's nothing to do with me either."

"Well then," he sneered, "you're a real pair of good Samaritans, aren't you?"

"That's right," Susie glared. "We didn't pass by on the other side. He was trapped in a dalek and we rescued him."

"Well then, he's your responsibility. You're not dumping him on me."

"You should be grateful; we've risked our lives doing your job."

"Don't be so dramatic, it's all one big bloody nuisance. The new assistant manager panicked. She's straight out of university - no experience of the world. It's someone playing silly buggers, that's all - there's no danger."

Booooooooommmm!

 

Chapter 21

"Jeffrey!"

Fortunately the guard was already halfway down the steps as Susie jumped into my arms.

We held each other tightly and when nothing came crashing down around us I whispered. "We're okay. It sounded like it came from the other wing."

"Don't let go just yet, though."

"You'll be fine in a minute. It's just a nasty shock to the system. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

"I'm sorry, Jeffrey - I've been really insensitive when you've suffered your little upsets."

"Not so little," I protested. "Compared to them this was hardly much more than a bad backfire."

Susie unwound herself. "Yeah, Robbie's car made more noise - it was a bit of a disappointment as explosions go."

"Well, I'm not complaining - how big a bang do you want?"

"I want to feel the Earth move, Jeffrey."

"No pressure there then," I gulped.

"Don't worry." She gave me a lusty kiss. "You're proving a very apt pupil."

"Thank you," I gasped. "And I hope you've learned an important lesson too."

"What would that be?"

"How easy it is to give me away. Someone has only to burst a paper bag behind you and Jeffrey's cover will be blown."

"If you were called Gordon Bennett," she grinned, "we'd have no worries on that score."

"We're not a couple of Cockney sparrers," I smiled. "Come on, we'd better get away from here and take Slope with us. Heave-ho."

We carried our burden down the steps and along the drive.

"Let's leave him here on the grass, Susie. We're far enough away now. The police will soon be arriving; they can find him a bed for the night. With any luck, they may even slap an instant fine on him."

We laid Slope in the recovery position. "Lower your veil, Barbie - I may as well give him a few smacks on the face."

I pulled her away. "I'd rather you didn't, Susie - he might wake up fighting drunk this time. Let's go before some official nosy-parker turns up and asks for our names and addresses."

I'd barely finished speaking when a voice came from behind us. "Just a minute, girls, I think we can be of assistance to one another."

We swung around to be greeted by the sight of a large middle-aged man.

"I'm sorry, we have to be on our way." Susie stepped away from Slope. "We've done our good deed for the day."

"That's what I'm interested in - Barry Horrocks of the Shoreham Gazette." He indicated the press badge on his lapel. "There's no one with a better nose for a scoop; Barry the bloodhound to my friends." He held out his hand to me.

Susie held back my arm. "Don't touch that," she cautioned. "It's fresh from scratching his bum."

He drew it back. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. You'll have to excuse me, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable."

"He has the look of a bloodhound with piles, Denise."

He tugged on his collar. "I'm a little flushed, that's all and my clothes are sticking to me."

"You're sweating," I remarked. This is no place for you. "You'd be better getting yourself off home."

"I'm a professional: the story comes first and I can sniff a good one here."

"All you can smell is a drunk that's pissed in his pants. You're welcome to him." Susie took my hand. "We've wasted enough time already - let's go."

"Not so fast - you must have a heroic tale to tell. Two frail girls engaged in a life and death struggle to save a casualty from a bomb-racked hotel. It's a scandal no one came to your aid."

"Well, you've kept yourself at a safe distance," Susie snorted. "Shouldn't a daring reporter be in the thick of things."

"Like I said, I'm not one hundred per cent at the moment," he hiccupped. "If you must know, I'm having a bit of tummy trouble."

"I'm sorry, but we've got to go. My mum will be worried," I explained.

"First, just answer me a few questions. Don't you want your fifteen minutes of fame?"

"No thanks, I'm content to be an unknown girl. I want to get home and forget all about this." I pointed up at the hotel. "That's where you should be - not wasting your time here. You'll miss the big story."

"I think I'm the best judge of that. Brides have always been lucky for me - apart from the ones I married." He shook his head ruefully. "Never mind my failures - let me tell you about my successes."

"We really must go; we're late as it is," I interrupted.

"Wait a moment," he pleaded. "You'll find this fascinating."

We both sighed and he continued. "There was the Pontin's chalet honeymoon murder, the hen night riots and my greatest triumph - the Burnley bigamist. Everyone else gave up on that minx, but I tracked her down to Ossie."

"Get away," Susie snorted, "you're a local reporter - they'd never let you go to Australia." She turned to me. "Watch out, Denise, he's trying to impress us with his chat up line."

"Not Australia," he spluttered, "Ossie - it was only down the road."

"Oh, hospital. Did you go in undercover dressed as a nurse?" Susie teased. "Some men like to do that, Denise - they'll use any excuse."

"You're deliberately misunderstanding me," he gasped. "Oswaldtwistle - do I have to spell it out for you?"

"I'm sorry; I'm a stranger to these parts," Susie sulked. "I was only being polite and showing an interest. We've never met a newshound before, have we, Denise?"

"Well, you have now and a pretty special one at that. I made the nationals with those stories," he smiled and then sighed, "but that would be before your time."

"We should get out of here," I urged. "Anything could happen."

"Yes, Denise is terrified; I don't know how's she's held herself together this long."

"You're in no danger, believe me. Oops, pardon." He gave a little burp and beat on his chest. "I'm full of bloody wind; I feel quite faint at times."

"Give us a break, we don't want another body on our hands," Susie declared. "You're too big for us to manhandle - go and get some Alka-seltzer."

"I've already taken half a dozen; I feel like I'm about to burst. If only this wind would come up - it seems to be stuck."

I looked at him with concern. "Are you sure it's only wind - should we take you somewhere to sit down?"

He managed another little burp. "You're a sweet girl and I appreciate your concern, but old Horrock's heart is as sound as a bell. It was those damn cucumber sandwiches."

Susie rolled her eyes. "The fruit of the devil: Denise and I would never go near one."

"You're wise beyond your years, my dear. Thinly sliced or not, I'll have to be on my deathbed before I try one again."

"If you're sure you'll be okay, we'll be on our way." I picked up the hem of my dress. "We shouldn't keep you from covering the bombing."

"It'll turn out to be nothing more than a Chinese firework - one of those Doctor Who nuts larking about. They're why I've had to waste my afternoon here," he grumbled. "It's a disgrace sending an experienced reporter to cover a bunch of weirdos indulging in their childish nonsense." He had to pause for breath and a burp. "Gritty human interest is my speciality - pop culture's a job for a junior."

"It's an important social phenomenon," Susie offered. "You owe it to your readers to keep them informed."

"Rubbish, it's just an excuse to parade up and down in silly costumes," he spluttered. "I don't know what the world's coming to. I'm sure some of those girls weren't all they seemed - it's most disconcerting."

"Oh, it's only a bit of fun, but I know what you mean. There was one I never would have guessed." Susie whispered conspiratorially. "Was I surprised when he confessed to me."

"Really, who was that?"

"The one in the pink wig and dark glasses."

"Never! I could have made a fool of Barry Horrocks there. If I'd been a younger man, I would have been chatting her up myself."

"Like those unsuspecting lads who were flirting with a pair of Leelas - I enjoyed watching that," Susie smiled. "What do you think about boys who like to masquerade as girls, Denise?"

"I have more pressing things on my mind at the moment," I replied edgily.

"I'm sure you must have, my dear," Horrocks sympathised. "I see you didn't manage to get the ring on your finger. Teenage bride to be rescues blotto groom from bomb horror," he mused. "I'll show that jumped-up editor and his media studies crew." He looked around in frustration. "Where's that bloody photographer wandered off to?"

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. "We're not getting married and there's no story. Come on, let's go."

"Manners, Denise - you mustn't be rude to a gentleman of the press. There's nothing lost in being civil." Susie turned to Horrocks. "Finding out the truth about Russell has been a shock. Better now, than getting a nasty surprise later, though - that's what I say."

"Ah, let me get this down." He took out a notebook. "Who needs a laptop?" He muttered. "Bloody fragile things - sit on one and it's kaput. You can't beat the old pencil and paper. Right, did he turn to the bottle because you jilted him?"

"No, you've got it all wrong."

"Ah, so you realised at the last minute he had a drink problem and decided not to go through with it." He wiped his brow. "I wish I'd done the same with the first Mrs Horrocks - and the second for that matter."

"There you are, Denise," Susie put her arm around me. "I told you not to feel badly about it - listen to what a wise man of the world has to say."

"I don't know about that, but I've certainly learned from bitter experience," he sighed. "It's a Thai bride for me next time."

"You want to be careful there; you may get more than you bargained for. Denise's uncle found himself married to a ladyboy."

I groaned inwardly - I knew I was going to be drawn into more of her nonsense. "I wish you wouldn't bring that up, Susie. It was a fuss over nothing - they're very happy together."

"After my first three, I'm willing to give anyone a try," he reflected. "Although, I suppose it wouldn't do any harm to cast my net a bit wider and avoid any chance of possible embarrassment."

"As long as you don't haul in a Japanese girl," Susie giggled. "You wouldn't want her introducing herself as Mrs B. Horrocks,"

"You're as bad as bloody Spooner in the office," he snorted, before turning to me. "Can we get back to you my dear, before the law arrives and moves us all on."

"There's nothing to tell. I'm not a bride to be. We just came across a helpless drunk and carried him out - end of story."

"I think I know a better story," he smiled. "Let's see now. You lifted your veil at the altar and stared into the bloodshot eyes of your husband-to-be. A chill went down your spine when you realised you would soon have to surrender your maidenhood to this drunken beast. Such a prospect hardened even as loving a heart as yours."

"You must be psychic," Susie broke in, "but Denise wasn't being selfish - she's the kind of girl who would do anything to please her lover. But now there's someone more important - she has to think of her baby's welfare."

"Please, Susie." I signalled her to stop, but she put her head under my veil and whispered in my ear. "It's time for a fairy tale, Jeffrey - and make it a good one."

She squeezed my bottom in encouragement. "Susie's making excuses for me," I yelped. "The truth is since I was a little child I've been obsessed with the idea of being a bride."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Denise. It can't have helped that your mother made you wear her wedding dress for line dancing."

"Oh, I was mad keen on it."

"You were at a very impressionable age - dressing up young children, and older ones for that matter, can have unforeseen consequences. Like you and your false fingernail fetish - stop admiring them."

"I'm not. I'm so ashamed that I just don't know where to look. There are no excuses for me. I've behaved terribly. I tricked poor old Russell into marriage - but somehow he discovered my little secret."

"Woman, thou art a born deceiver, as I said to the third Mrs Horrocks or was it the second - no it was all of them."

"I wanted to break it to him gently. I don't know how he found out. I was sure it didn't show."

"It doesn't, Denise: I told him."

"Oh, Susie, you didn't."

"I'm afraid so - and I described in graphic detail how you lost it at the Asda to Max and Robbie."

"How could you make up such horrible lies?" I sobbed. "I thought you were my best friend."

"Yes, how could you," Horrocks interrupted. "It's obvious Denise is not that kind of a girl."

"You can say that again - I've got my standards. I wouldn't be caught dead round the back of Asda; it was Sainsbury's car park - on the backseat of a Volvo."

"I'm really sorry, Denise - I wanted to make you look cheap. I had to do something - I'm desperately in love with you."

"But I want babies, Susie."

"Well, you've got one."

"But, I want a brood and you lack some vital equipment."

"I've everything you need - a syringe and a cooperative little brother."

"Girls, girls - too much detail, let's get back to the daring rescue."

"I thought you wanted some juicy background material," Susie pouted.

"An old hand like me can make that up himself," he snorted. "Just tell me about the bomb drama."

He paused and swallowed hard in a vain attempt to get up some wind. "Hell, now another load of air's gone down there - I feel like I'm going to explode."

I moved behind Susie out of the firing line. "In the olden days, they'd lay a person down and get someone to dance on his stomach - a sort of foot massage."

"I'm not sure about that, Denise. The way you're dressed and the age difference - the excitement might be too much for him to bear."

"I didn't actually mean me, but you're right, those sort of actions could be misinterpreted."

"All too easily - he's groaning away already."

"I'm desperate: please give it a try, my dear."

"You do it, Susie, I don't want to take my shoes off and these heels might injure him."

"I'll risk it, dear - at least I'd die happy."

"If you want to be trampled on, I think you're better waiting for a policewoman," Susie suggested. "A pair of size nine clodhoppers if you're lucky and she'll be in uniform."

"I can't wait for that." He reached out towards us. "Please help me."

"How about a foot each, Susie?" I appealed to her.

She didn't have time to reply.

"Oooer." His hand shot up to his collar.

"He's gone a whiter shade of pale, Denise."

"Ooooer, who turned out the lights?"

"Look at that, Susie - his eyes have actually rolled up under his eyelids."

"Oooooer." He clutched the top of his head and tottered forward.

"Grab him, Susie." We caught Horrocks before he fell and lowered him carefully to the ground alongside Slope.

"You've seen off another one, Denise."

"What did I do?" I asked indignantly.

"You shouldn't have got him so worked up."

"What do you mean - 'worked up'?"

"A young girl volunteering to walk all over him in high heels. I don't know what gets into you, Denise."

"It was only idle banter - I didn't expect to be taken seriously," I protested. "You can't blame me for his collapse - I bet he's been shovelling grub down all afternoon."

"Your offer probably pushed him over the edge. The dangers of sex on a full stomach are well-known - especially for overweight middle-aged men."

I bent down over him. "He's still breathing - stop trying to scare me, Susie."

She gave his stomach a tentative prod. "It feels like it's been pumped up. I suppose we should leave him to the professionals - unless you've any more bright ideas."

"If he were a cow, we could stick a knife in his side and let the gas out."

"That sounds pretty drastic."

"It's an emergency measure. Still, he's not a cow, we haven't a knife and it's a messy business - all sorts of gunk shoots out."

"Nuff said, Jeffrey - sometimes, I wish you weren't so widely read. There's something to be said for dizzy blondes."

"Sorry, I'll dye my hair for you at half term," I joked.

"You've read my mind," Susie grinned. "That'll fit in nicely with my latest idea for us."

Before I could answer I heard a groaning behind me and felt a hand flailing at my dress.

"Watch out, Denise - a face full of skirt has given the rotting dead a will to live."

I leapt away as Slope sat up. I was behind my veil when he shook his head and looked to one side of me. "Which one of you is my Barbie?"

"Neither of us."

"Who said that?"

"I did."

"Don't both speak at once it - I can't keep up. Oh, my head hurts."

"Serves you right," Susie scolded.

"Now you're doing it - are you twins? I can't tell you apart."

"Do we look like twins?"

"Wait a minute, I know you - you're Susie Jones. What's going on - why are there two of you?"

"I'm not Susie Jones."

"I know that: you're my dream girl. At least, one of you is. I wish you'd lift up those veils - they're confusing me."

I raised my hand. "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Eight."

"How many people can you see?"

"Four - two sets of twins. Who are you?"

He struggled to his knees. "Help me up, Barbie."

"Come on, Susie - before he tries to act out some of his fantasies."

"Don't go." Slope lurched forward and made a grab for my dress. I jumped back and he collapsed on all fours.

"Aaarrrrgggghhhhh." He threw up in front of me. "Aaaaah, that's better," he sighed. "I'm so sleepy - tuck me in and kiss me goodnight, Barbie."

He pitched forward into his vomit and commenced snoring.

"He's really sending them home - do you think he'll be okay, Susie?"

"His nose will still be blocked from the bop you gave it on Wednesday, that's all."

"I suppose they'll both be okay. Somebody's bound to be along soon. Perhaps we should leave a note explaining their condition."

"I'll have to write it in lipstick on their foreheads."

"Better not, we'll just have to wait until someone official turns up. Honest, Susie - I don't know how I'm coping with all this."

"You've been a brave girl, Denise - come here. In all the excitement, I haven't properly kissed my bride."

I gave myself up to Susie as she crushed me to her. "I have to tell you," I gasped, " this is wonderfully erotic."

"For me too, Denise."

I closed my eyes as Susie worked her hand on my breast and her tongue in my mouth, and we were both oblivious to the series of clicks.

"Go to it, girls - these are just for my private collection."

We broke up and turned towards the voice. "Another bloody pervert - scream for the police, Denise."

"Steve Spooner of the Shoreham Gazette, just doing my job." He carried on clicking away. "That's it - stare lovingly into each other's eyes."

"We're in shock from our brush with death," I ventured by way of explanation. "Everything's topsy-turvy."

"Yes, we're a couple of innocent schoolgirls; you'll get in trouble taking unauthorised pictures."

"You can't interfere with the freedom of the press," he grinned. "Don't worry, I've a couple of sweet poses for public consumption." He turned to me. "Your hubby won't suspect a thing."

"Don't be so bloody silly - Denise isn't married. She was in the middle of a modelling job when the alarm went off and all hell broke loose."

"Ah, I should have known, there's a lot of girls like you in the fashion world."

"I think you're mixing us up with tennis players. Anyway, I'm not a professional, I was just a volunteer from the audience."

"Don't be so modest, Stephanie was very impressed with you." Susie put her arm around me. "She said that Denise could make a career of it."

"I've no doubt about that; perhaps I can help her." He handed over a card to Susie. "If she wants some pictures for a portfolio, I'm more than willing to oblige. I might be able to steer a few jobs her way - you never know - give me your number."

"No, mum wouldn't like it."

Susie took the pen and wrote down her number. "We may as well keep our options open."

Spooner gave me an encouraging wink before turning his attention to the two bodies. "I suppose I'd better get back to doing my job." He started clicking away. "What's been going on here with old Hairy Bollocks?"

"You shouldn't talk like that about a hero," Susie protested. "Tell him, Denise."

"That's right, he staggered all the way down to here with that young drunk over his shoulder."

"Kicking and punching him all the way," Susie added, "but he soldiered on regardless."

"That's not like old Hairy - he's a look out for number one man."

"It sometimes takes a crisis to bring out the real person underneath," I suggested.

"Like with you and Susie," he smirked.

"Can we forget that and concentrate on your friend's heroism."

"Go on."

"Well, he laid him down and the tosspot thanked Mr Horrocks by being sick and passing out."

"Then your friend complained of feeling dizzy," Susie continued. "It was something to do with a cucumber, but we didn't press him for details. It's not a topic young girls should discuss with an older man."

"I think we should mention the half dozen Alka-seltzer. Quite honestly, it all sounded a bit scary to me - I hope it doesn't put any ideas in your head, Susie."

"Cucumbers will never be part of my five a day, Denise."

"Thank God for that."

Spooner had been giving Horrocks the once-over. "He's been pigging out on the buffet again. Oh well, these two seem to be the only casualties. It looks like you're going to make the front page again, Hairy old son - but not in the way you wanted."

"We'll leave them in your hands. Come on, Denise - we don't want your mother getting in a state when she finds out what's happened?"

"I'll ring you if you don't ring me first. Bye, girls - be good to each other and be careful. You never know who's watching."

 

Chapter 22

"Our photo will be in the local paper," I groaned as we tagged on to a line of stragglers making their way down the drive.

"That's hardly likely, there's no story to go with it. By the time Horrocks is in a fit state to write anything, he'll already have been hailed a hero. That should ensure he keeps quiet about us."

"I hope you're right."

"Of course I am," Susie smirked. "And you have to admit it was pretty nifty the way I extricated you from another tricky situation."

"Which you got me into."

"Not entirely."

"Whatever," I sighed. "But I can't help thinking ours was just the sort of picture to brighten up page three. I bet we still had that look in our eyes."

"We always have that look in our eyes."

"Are we as blatant as that?"

"I'm afraid so, Denise. Wait until you see the pictures. Steve Spooner, Shoreham Gazette - we'll google him and see where he's posted them."

"I don't suppose there's much chance of someone we know running across them. The Web's a big place and it's hardly likely we've any friends in common."

"And nobody at school reads the Gazette."

"Except the teachers."

"Jeffrey's nowhere to be seen. They won't associate you with a blurry picture of Susie and Denise."

"I wish I had your confidence. Slope recognised me and he was befuddled."

"All sorts of images were floating around in his head. He was having a drunken dream. He'll remember nothing - this will be his lost weekend."

"I just hope you're right."

"I am. Come on, cheer up - now you know Slope's little secret."

"That's no comfort, Susie. Imagine what must be going through his head when he looks at me."

"No thanks, I'd have to be paid to do that. It can be an unpleasant occupation delving into some people's minds - my thoughts are turning in other directions. How do you think I'd fare as Susie Jones, intrepid girl reporter?"

"It'd be a pity not to use your great gift. Why not combine the two and become an agony aunt?"

"You're developing a definite catty streak as Denise."

"That was Jeffrey speaking who wants to find a taxi, get home and be changed before his mother comes in."

"But you promised we'd have some time together as newlyweds."

"You've got from now until we arrive home. Once there, no messing about - I don't want to risk any more misunderstandings."

"But we make such a lovely couple."

"An unusual couple - I only hope the driver can keep his eyes on the road."

"A taxi it is then," Susie grinned. "We can give the backseat a workout."

"We'll have to use the cash you got off Stephanie."

"What's happened to your emergency money?"

"Nothing: it's just inaccessible. Thanks to your silly bloody outfit having no pockets, I had to put it in my piggy bank - Pinky and Perky are looking after it at the moment."

"Can't you dig it out?"

"Not now: I can't get down there."

"Well, that wasn't one of your brightest ideas."

"I didn't know then I was going to be laced up tighter than a duck's arse," I complained. "What's worse, Stephanie seemed to be well up on her knots - I hope you'll be able to unravel them, Susie."

"You need have no fears on that score, I managed to confine Mikey to the garden shed for a whole day. Boy, did I get in trouble for that!"

"You deserved to."

"I hold my hand up, Jeffrey; it was foolish of me to leave him tied up alone. Don't worry - I've learned my lesson."

"Never mind that, can you get me out of this when the time comes?"

"I'll undo them with my teeth if I have to."

"That'd be fitting - it's thanks to your tongue I'm trussed up like this. So the least you can do is use the money to pay the fare."

"I may not have quite enough cash, Jeffrey."

"Well, how much did you get?"

"I think I may have slightly misled you."

"You've been telling me porkies again."

"Let's say I was economical with the truth. It was a matter of honour; we'd shaken hands on the deal."

"But no money changed hands."

"Don't make a fuss - you've had a wonderful experience."

"I'm out of pocket again," I groaned. "We'll never get paid now."

"You still have the dress - that's gilt-edged security. And you can't put a price on the fun you're having in it."

"At least, I look respectable. If I leave you in the cab, they'll trust me to go inside for the money."

"Problem solved. Let's get a move on. If we get home well before your mum, you'll have time to do your bride's striptease for me."

"And get caught in the act, no doubt. Forget it - I've had enough of fulfilling other people's fantasies today."

I felt a tug on my skirt. "Oh, what now, Susie - have I snagged a rose bush?"

"No, I think you've attracted a new admirer."

I turned and saw a little girl looking up at me. "Are you a fairy princess?"

She held out her hand to me. I sighed and took it. "I don't know about that."

"There's supposed to be lots of fairies where we live, but I've never seen one."

"Oh, where's that, then?" I asked.

"The Isle of Man. Are you on holiday from there too?"

"How clever of you to guess," Susie beamed. "But don't tell anyone else - it's our little secret."

"What's her name?"

"Denise: she's Fairy Princess Denise."

The child gazed at me wide-eyed. "Are you really?"

"Yes," I smiled, "but you mustn't expect too much - I'm very junior royalty. I don't do much more than wear fancy clothes."

"Can you fly?"

"Not right now. The wings on my Tinkerbell costume need repairing and the elves are on strike."

"Is your friend an elf?"

"No, that's my faithful companion, Pixie Susie. My word is her command."

Susie gave a little bow and took the child's other hand. "What's your name?"

"Holly Quality." She screwed up her face. "That's not quite right - it makes Daddy laugh, but Mummy shushes him. She says he's lucky to have two ladies of quality to take care of such a grumpy old man."

"Where are your mummy and daddy?"

"Somewhere - I wanted to see the rest of the fireworks. Swing me along."

"Let's try over there, Susie." I pointed to a couple that were checking the remaining cars.

"I don't want to go this way - there are no fireworks."

"A little pixie's first duty is to look after me."

"But I'm not a pixie."

"You're an honorary one; Susie sprinkled you with magic fairy dust."

"I can't see it."

"That's because it's invisible," Susie explained. "I've covered Princess Denise in clouds of the stuff. That's why she's so pretty and feminine."

"Yes, I don't know what I'd do without Pixie Susie," I confessed. "Although sometimes, I wish she wouldn't get so carried away."

Susie smiled down at Holly. "We pixies know best how to dress up our princesses, don't we?"

"You're lucky to have a real live Barbie to play with."

Susie laughed. "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings."

"Here come her mum and dad - behave yourself." I warned.

Susie bowed. "To hear is to obey, my lady."

"We'll have to keep on with this princess and pixie thing, it evens up the odds." I grinned. "By the way, do you want to bet part of your winnings they're called Qualtrough?"

Susie thought about it. "No, not with someone who has fairy powers at her command."

"Holly Qualtrough, come here, you naughty girl - where have you been?"

We released her and she ran to her parents. "I've met a fairy princess and I'm a honey pixie now."

I turned to Susie "Why didn't you take the bet - it's an unusual name."

"Not in the Isle of Man."

"Fancy you knowing that - I can't win at anything."

"Don't give up, Denise - your day will come."

"I think you mean our day will come," Susie.

"Not a taxi to be had," Susie announced. "The mass exodus has swamped them. How about getting a tram?"

"I don't know ... I'm hardly dressed for public transport."

"Just think of the money you'll save. Come on, pick up your skirts and make with the dainty steps."

We linked arms and set off to the nearest stop. "When we get on, we're not behaving like refugees from a disreputable hen night."

"What are we going to do then?"

"I'm sitting quietly behind my veil and I hope you'll spend the whole journey staring fixedly out of the window."

"Someone may be curious about you."

"No wild stories: I was on a modelling assignment interrupted by the bomb scare."

"Get you, Denise - a modelling assignment."

"Well, it was," I huffed, "and a bloody good job I made of it. You heard Stephanie - I'm a natural."

"I can't argue with you there, Jeffrey."

"What's more, I took it seriously - I wasn't tempted to act the giddy goat like a certain person I know. Denise gave it her all."

"She likes to show off."

"I know, I know - you don't have to tell me. I do things as Denise I'd never even consider as Jeffrey. I'm definitely developing a split personality."

"You don't blame me, do you?"

"You've no need to worry - they're both mad about you. Give me your hand and let's swing along together."

Susie matched my steps. "I have to say, you're moving very gracefully It's funny, as Jeffrey, the most boyish thing about you is your slouch."

"I do it on purpose: the last thing I need is to be light on my feet - my bum would be black and blue."

"Still, the change in your bearing is amazing."

"Not when I'm dressed like this - you give it a try."

"Oh, I wouldn't mind, but just remember - for the most part Denise will be playing the girly girl. It suits her better."

"You don't have to remind me," I confessed. "I'm only too aware how she revels in the discipline of skirt and heels."

"Does looking like you've stepped off the cover of 'Miss Teen Bride of the Year' turn her on as well?"

"Let's just say that I find it interesting."

"Admit it: Denise can't believe her luck; she'd be happy for this to be compulsory school uniform."

"Only if she was attending one of those posh finishing schools. But that's an impossible dream for a simple girl like me," I sighed.

"How about the 'Susie Jones Academy for Singular Young Ladies' - personal tuition a speciality."

"I thought I was already attending that and I was her star pupil." Susie smiled and I slapped my forehead - but not too hard. "I shouldn't be talking like this - it'll only give you even more bizarre ideas."

"We've only just begun," she warbled.

"White lace and promises," I joined in as we skipped along.

"There's a landau."

"They only go up and down the prom."

"Perhaps he'll do a favour for a stranded bride."

"It'd be an expensive one."

"Wouldn't you like to pretend we were being driven off on our honeymoon?"

"My bridal dreams don't include looking up the backside of a horse. They can walk and shit at the same time, you know, Susie."

"You don't much like horses, do you, Jeffrey?"

"I'm wary of them, Susie."

"I seem to remember you moaning about their smell - what was it you said?"

"Something that amused you - I think Princess Denise had better not repeat it."

"Go on."

I shook my head. "I'm staying in character; I'm ignorant of such things. All I know is that horses are big powerful animals with a brain no bigger than a small fist. They're unpredictable - it's best to keep your distance."

"Wouldn't Denise like to experience galloping across the countryside on a thoroughbred with the wind in her hair?"

"No: Jeffrey's donkey ride on the beach as a kid was quite enough. I can still remember the pong and having to hang on like grim death. I was bouncing up and down and slipping and sliding all over that saddle."

"It sounds like an erotic experience."

"I was too young for that, but it does make me wonder about cousin Carol's unbridled enthusiasm for her horse."

"Your rejection still rankles, eh Jeffrey?"

"Not since I met you, Susie. But just for the record - do girls have orgasms horseback riding?"

"I'm sure I don't know - do you want me to find out?"

"No: I wouldn't want to risk losing your affections."

"I was only going to google it - you're not getting me up on a bloody horse. My first orgasm on the move will be in my new car - and don't worry, you'll be coming with me."

"That sounds risky. Say we were pulled over - it has to be more serious than using a mobile phone. How many points would it be on your licence?"

"None at all. It falls into the same category as you blowing my nose for me."

"You may have trouble convincing a court."

"I would have had my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road the whole time - case dismissed."

"When you come to think of it, I suppose sneezing at the wheel is the more dangerous. You haven't got hay fever have you, Susie?"

"You need have no fears on that score, Jeffrey - I'll be able to drive with my eyes closed. Oh, I can't wait until we're off on some mystery tours together."

"Joking aside, I wish you didn't have such a motoring obsession."

"I should have thought after this little lot you'd appreciate the advantages of my having a car."

"I have been thinking about it, Susie - and I've decided that subject to a minor modification I'll be happy to take my place alongside you."

"I suppose that means you'll want to take out the engine and fit a pair of pedals."

"Not at all - I've decided that a large steel spike fitted on the steering wheel and pointing directly at your chest will be a major contribution to road safety."

"Bloody trams - that's the third one which hasn't even looked like stopping."

"They've all been full, Susie; we should have walked into town to get one."

"A knight of the road's first instinct should be to help two ladies in obvious distress."

"They're not lorry drivers - and don't you go suggesting we hitch a lift," I warned. "We'll probably end up in Ireland."

"Or a harem. Go on, Jeffrey, stick up your thumb and see what happens."

"Not tonight, Susie. We've had a full day already - let's wait until next week for our encounter with a serial killer."

"Can you come up with a better idea?"

"Mum will be back by now, we'll have to ask her to pick us up. What on earth she's going to think of all this I don't know."

"Cheer up, Jeffrey and let's make the most of it. After I've explained to your mother how you stepped into my shoes, we can spend the rest of the night seeing how kiss proof your lipstick really is."

"Showing off some courting couple behaviour for mum's benefit wouldn't be a bad idea," I mused.

"Snogging Princess Denise in front of her mother - I'm willing to give it a go."

"No," I spluttered, "I meant with me as Jeffrey. I've been too enthusiastic about Denise as it is - I need to give mum a more balanced view."

"I can't see any harm in it," Susie huffed. "After all, you will be kissing me."

"But I'll be the one swept off her feet. There'll be no doubt who's enjoying being a girl."

"I could cry out - 'you're the only boy for me, Jeffrey' - what about that?"

"I think it would have to be more of a howl."

"For you, Jeffrey - I can manage a roar."

"I'd have to fondle your breasts and not the other way around. I don't want you drawing attention to my girly bits - you stick to groping my bum."

"Message understood, Jeffrey."

"Stop grinning and ring mum while I think what I'm going to say."

"Hello Mrs Smith, it's Susie."

"Yes, we're both fine."

"Okay."

"Here, she wants to hear your voice, Jeffrey." Susie handed over her phone.

"There's no need to worry, we're both all right, mum."

"No, we were well clear. It was only a little bang - probably just a firework."

"That's nice. It's a pity I'll miss them."

"Of course I'm presentable."

"Yes, I know exactly what you mean."

"Here comes the tram; I'll have to go if you want me home in time."

"Love you too, mum - see you in about an hour - bye for now."

I handed the phone back to Susie. "You'd think it was black cats I've been killing and not dogs."

"What's going on, Jeffrey - why didn't you ask your mum to pick us up?"

"Mum's expecting company."

"Oh dear."

"Never mind 'Oh dear' - this is another fine mess."

Susie scratched her head. "Sorry, Ollie - is it someone you'd rather not meet as Denise."

"Definitely. I only hope they've gone when we finally reach home. I can hardly hang around outside dressed like this."

"Wouldn't it be better to go by way of our house, anyway; you could wait there and then make a discreet return home via the back garden."

"I'm not sure I want Princess Denise to meet your mum and dad."

"She won't have to - they're out for the night, or I could have rung them to come and get us."

"If we can get back in time, I'll be able to change at your house and I won't have to explain anything to anybody."

Susie looked down the track. "Don't get your hopes up. What time do the trams stop running on Sundays?"

"I don't know, but I think I'd better resign myself to a long explanation and a long walk home."

"You're hardly dressed for that."

"Don't worry," I sighed, "the way things are going, it wouldn't surprise me if I ended up competing in next year's London Marathon in this get-up."

"My name will be the first on the sponsor sheet," Susie beamed.

"There'll be no need for that - running alongside me in a gorilla suit will be support enough."

"No way," she snorted. "Don't even joke about such a thing, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie - even as I spoke, I saw myself having to play Fay Wray to your King Kong."

"Believe it or not, I've never wanted to dress up as a giant monkey. You can be Fay Wray, but I'd rather be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle."

"They don't go together."

"We can use our imagination. I rescue you and take you to my tree house. I have to comfort you and one thing leads to another. Two innocent girls who don't really know what they're doing."

"Oh, give over."

"No, it's taking my mind off the prospect of another hike home. Thursday was bad enough - would you really mind if your mother picked us up?"

"Her visitors are nosy buggers - I wouldn't be able to keep out of their way."

"What if she told them you were being sponsored for charity? It'd save us a long slog - my feet are burning already."

"Better a blister on your foot than a blister on mum's tongue."

"Have a heart," she pleaded. "You could do it easy - look how you coped with meeting Mikey and my parents."

"Maybe so, but there's no way I'm going to introduce Denise to Uncle Bob, with his fondness for cheek rubbing, and Aunt Jane, who sits there gloating while he ravishes me."

"They sound like an odd couple, Jeffrey."

"You can say that again. He's a fish, fur and feather man and she's a skinny, vain clotheshorse. Except for the fact they both bring pleasure whenever they leave, they've nothing in common. They don't even seem to like each other - I can't imagine why they got married."

"But you don't know what goes on in the bedroom when the curtains are drawn."

"And I certainly don't want to. I've already had enough insights into the pair of them. I think they may be somewhat lacking in the finer feelings."

"Go on, this is all grist to my mill - and I'm just plain nosy."

"One of my earliest memories is a Sunday morning Uncle Bob took me to feed his chickens. He asked which one I liked the best. I pointed out a white speckled one. He caught it, wrung its neck and started plucking it."

"A traumatic experience for you, Jeffrey."

"Not at the time; I probably thought it was like in a cartoon. I enjoyed my dinner - I got the breast."

"But it's coloured your attitude toward him in later life."

"That and all the other stuff he thinks I should be interested in. Frightening me with his ferrets doesn't help either - you never know when he's going to pull one out of his pocket. He's popular at the golf club, though - he keeps it free of rabbits. He delights in shooting anything that moves."

"Can't see the sport in that. Taking on a lion armed only with a spear - that would get the adrenaline flowing, but a bunny with a shotgun - no way. I prefer a more well-matched contest," Susie grinned. "Know what I mean, Jeffrey?"

"Only too well, Susie - only too well."

We smiled at each other. "Carry on, what about your aunt?"

"She doesn't like any of us. Gran never wanted Uncle Bob to marry her and things went downhill from then on. I don't know all the gory details, but she causes a lot of friction in the family."

"This sounds interesting, perhaps I could get an essay out of it."

"Don't go asking mum anything," I warned. "It's a touchy subject."

"I know how to tip-toe around a delicate matter - I can extract information without people realising it. A pick-pocket of the mind - that's me. Now, how have you upset your wicked old aunt?"

"I'm gran's favourite and I'm the boy. She's afraid her Carol may miss out on something."

"Because you're the one who's going to carry on the family name."

"That's what she thinks, but she's wrong. We're two of a kind. Gran sees herself in me and everyone's always told me, you're just like your gran - you've got her brains."

"Was she your role model, Jeffrey?"

"Her and mum. Gran was the one I got my love of learning from, but I was always a mother's boy. Aunt Jane is forever saying I should have been the girl and Carol the boy."

"Would you have liked that?"

"The way I'm behaving at the moment there'd seem to be only one answer, but it's really more complicated than that," I sighed. "I would probably have grown up a misfit girl instead of a misfit boy."

"Denise would have got along nicely - she's a very attractive person and she wouldn't have had your hang-ups."

"Thank you, Susie, but she may not have turned out the same way. Denise could have been an unpleasant selfish snob without Jeffrey's angst and confusion."

"Many are the uses of adversity," Susie smiled.

"Anyway, this is pointless speculation - you can never know what it would have been like to be someone else."

"Unless you believe in the transmigration of souls."

"Please, Susie - no more psychological nonsense."

"It's not. It's a deep philosophical question. I bet you're thinking about that sort of thing all the time."

"Not lately - I've had more immediate problems to consider. Anyway, all the big stuff is a complete mystery - you'll never get an answer."

"Carpe diem - that's a practical philosophy, Jeffrey."

"I suppose so, but I hope there's more to it than that."

"There's us, Jeffrey. I'm satisfied with that - and of course my profound understanding of the human condition."

"Yeah well, just keep in mind we're all fallible - including you. Now, let's come down to earth and make a start."

"I've had an idea how we can save some shoe leather, Jeffrey."

"Are we going to take turns giving each other piggy-backs?"

"No," Susie snorted. "Something we should have thought of before - I'm going to give Harriet a call."

"What good will that do?"

"She'll be with Max - and you can't fault me on that piece of matchmaking, Jeffrey."

"But how does that help us?"

"He's got a car and they're probably in it right now."

"Then, they won't want to be interrupted, Susie."

"It's still light, Jeffrey. It can't do any harm to ask - should I ring them?"

"Get on with it," I sighed. "On Thursday, they saw me as Lolita - it should come as no big surprise to them that on Sundays I like to dress up as Snow White."

"I don't know why you're worried, we can give a perfectly rational explanation for your situation."

"Only if I were a girl, Susie - and even then rational is not the word I would use."

"Nonsense, it could have happened to anyone."

"As long as they had you planning things for them."

"It's thanks to me Harriet's happy to accept you as Denise," Susie huffed. "Just don't keep reminding her of Jeffrey by moaning about what your mum might say."

"That's all very well, but what about Max - we don't know how he's going to react."

"Harriet's probably spun him such a cock-eyed yarn that he's none the wiser. Anyway, there's no danger. He likes you and I'll soon sort out any little misunderstandings. Don't forget, I have a way with words."

"You don't have to remind me. I know whatever situation we find ourselves in, I can rely on you to obfuscate matters."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, it's nice to be appreciated."

"Just one thing, Susie: please don't ask Max for a driving lesson."

"The thought never crossed my mind, Jeffrey."

"Yes it did."

"Only fleetingly - I know my first responsibility tonight is to get you home safely."

"Keep that at the forefront of your thoughts."

"I'll content myself with wangling an invitation out to his farm. How do you fancy a spin in a tractor?"

"Call her, before I change my mind."

Susie took out her phone and then hesitated. "I've just had a thought: Slope's got a car, hasn't he?"

"I don't know - he's older than we are - he may have. Hey, you can forget that," I exclaimed. "We're not going back and stealing it."

"Steady, Jeffrey, I was thinking what a lucky girl Denise is: three potential suitors and all with cars. How does she do it?"

"She doesn't know and she doesn't want to know," I spluttered. "Make the call."

"It's Susie - have I got news for you."

"We were right in the middle of it."

"The fact is we're stuck without transport home."

"That'd be great."

"You won't be disappointed. We've another little surprise for you as well."

"Thanks, Harriet. See you - bye."

I threw up my hands. "Another little surprise - her eyes will pop out when she sees me. Just you make clear your part in all this."

"Will do," she grinned. "Now, let's get over to the right side for Max to pick us up." Susie circled my waist and pulled my arm around her. "Dashing white horses, Denise."

I was forced to join her in prancing across the road. "Can't you behave yourself," I protested, "people will think we're a couple of chorus girls."

"Perish the thought - nothing was further from my mind."

"I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies."

"What has crossed my mind is a little idea for Halloween."

"Susie, let's focus on getting home and getting me back into trousers."

"I'm trying to take your mind of the situation."

"Well, you aren't succeeding - Halloween and chorus girls make me nervous."

"You'll be a step up from that. How would you like to be my glamorous blonde magician's assistant?"

"Only if we're doing a Houdini act. With you in a straitjacket, I might have a fighting chance."

"I had something more upmarket than that in mind - we'll look very classy."

"I'm not being sawn in half or having my head chopped off."

"There's no fun in that - a little light bondage is what I had in mind. How does that appeal to you?"

"I'm not keen on you dressing as a man," I confessed. "When you mentioned wanting me blonde, I was hoping we were going to be the Abba girls - I think I could get away with that without too many repercussions."

"It's not very Halloweeny."

"No, but it seems the safest course for me. I bet lots of boys have had lesbian fantasies about the Abba girls. I have - and that was even before I met you."

"You're hardly typical."

"I know, but if you asked for volunteers, I'm sure there'd be a long queue."

"Possibly, but they wouldn't totally share your motives."

"I suppose not."

"One thing - you've certainly got the bottom for it."

"Thank you, Susie."

"No, thank you, Jeffrey - I was wondering how I could get you into a pair of hot pants."

Max pulled up at the side of the road. He and Harriet both did a double take when they saw me.

"Is that really Denise?" They chorused.

"Got up to the nines - can you get us to the church on time?" Susie laughed.

"Jump in the back and tell us what's been going on," Harriet urged.

 

Chapter 23

"I'm sorry to doubt you, but I find it really hard to believe Denise won a chess tournament."

"What about these?" Susie waved the cheques under Max's nose.

"Okay, okay, don't distract the driver - I'm convinced. It's just that I've never met a chess player before - I thought they'd be really weird." He turned to Harriet. "Ah well, it's not the first time Denise has surprised me with her hidden talents."

"Have you heard anything about me that's shocked you?"

"Farmers have seen it all; when you're breeding as many pigs as we do, you see a lot of Nature's little anomalies."

"Max!" Harriet scolded.

"It's all right: that's a very fair assessment. Max is being very understanding."

"I'm no stranger to this situation. We had a piglet with a problem like Denise. We made a pet of her and she had the run of the farm - she followed me everywhere. Miss Piggy was like one of the family."

"Did everyone start calling you Kermit," Susie broke in.

"Yes, they bloody did - it was the only downside. How did you know that?"

"It's what she would have done," I laughed.

"Well, keep it away from me," Harriet shuddered. "I don't fancy petting a pig, however tame."

"It's too late for that, I'm afraid - we had her for Christmas dinner five years ago. She was the sweetest bit of crackling - just like Denise."

"You're a bloody cannibal," Susie snorted. "What do you say, Denise?"

"Well, I wouldn't want to be shipwrecked on a desert island with him."

"Yes, that was really cruel," Harriet sniffed.

"It was just good husbandry," Max protested. "You can't become too attached to your stock."

"I suppose you can't be sentimental over animals if you're a country girl," Susie agreed.

"That's right, Harriet - you'll have to harden your heart if you're going to be a farmer's wife."

Susie nudged me in the ribs. "I told you so," she whispered and took the opportunity to nuzzle on my ear.

I drew my veil around us as she moved on to my lips.

"Stop that you two, we know what's going on under there - you're distracting Max."

"Susie's conducting a scientific experiment on my make-up," I gasped. "We have to find some way to get it off for school tomorrow."

"Lay back and let's try this." Susie worked herself on top of me. "You can keep piglets for pets; I'll settle for Denise's little puppies."

"Ah Max," Harriet squealed. "Keep your hands on the wheel. You'd better pull over if we're going to do that."

"Aw Susie, do that again."

Max turned his head. "What are you up to now?"

"Watch out!" Harriet screamed.

"Hell! Where did that bloody dog come from?"

Max swung the wheel over; the car mounted the pavement, before crashing through a fence into a field.

"Hold on, Susie," I cried as we rolled on the backseat.

"Everyone okay?" Max called out as we bumped along.

"We're fine - how about you?"

"All we've suffered is a flat front wheel; it could have been a lot worse."

"You were wonderful, Max." Harriet leant across and kissed him. "I wasn't scared for a second with you in charge."

"We don't have much luck with dogs, do we, Denise?" Susie muttered as she helped me out.

We all stood around surveying the damage. "The perfect end to a perfect day," I moaned.

"Cheer up, this is Mikey's school rugby pitch, at least you're in no danger of being chased by a bull."

"I'm more worried about a gang of school kids coming to gawk. Can you manage without us, Max? I'd rather not risk having to answer any questions."

"You get along; I'm a dab hand at changing wheels," he grinned. "If I need any help this is the fellow that should supply it."

A big shaggy alsatian had loped up. "Naughty boy, look what you've done," Harriet chided and then swiftly jumped back into the car when the beast showed an interest her.

"Come on, Susie, let's get out of here - I'm not dressed for dog difficulties. We're less than a mile from home; we'll walk the rest of the way."

We set off across the field, but the alsatian came after us. He began sniffing around me. "Shoo, go home."

"I told you these things happen in threes, Jeffrey."

"It's not dead, Susie."

"Not yet, but it's behaving oddly- you can't deny that."

"All dogs chase their tails - there's nothing unusual in that."

"Well, I don't think it can walk in a straight line. It will be your fault if it keels over - distracting Max with your cries of ecstasy."

"It still wouldn't count," I huffed and carried on towards the road.

"The dog's following you, Jeffrey."

"Get in between us, Susie - paw marks would really make a mess of this dress. I wish I didn't feel so responsible for it," I griped.

"You just want to keep in with Stephanie," Susie teased. "You're hoping to model for her again."

"I'd feel bad if we returned it in tatters, these dresses are so expensive, that's all. Perhaps we can divert it by playing fetch - look out for a stick."

"Okay, but if we find one, don't throw it into the road, - the last thing we need is any more accidents."

"Having it running around all excited isn't such a good idea anyway," I reflected. "Maybe it would be better if you poked the stick right up his nose. You'd be in command then."

"It sounds more like I'd have a tiger by the tail."

"Nonsense, that's how they control a bull, by the ring in its nose - it'll be practically the same."

"Well, if you want me to do that, Jeffrey, you'll have to find me a bloody long stick."

"Oh, never mind then, speed up and let's get out of this field."

The dog kept station behind me. "He has an adoring look in his eyes - maybe you should try and make friends with him, Jeffrey."

"I'd rather not. I feel defenceless. You know what they say - 'it's safer making peace with a pump in your hand'. Come on, wipe that grin of your face and think of a way to get rid of the brute."

"Leave this to me: I'd rather have started with something smaller after my last effort, but I can deal with it," Susie promised. "I've updated my doggy data. This time I got it from the website of someone with a wealth of practical experience. An ex-postman, no less, he'd been bitten twenty times and lost ten pairs of trousers."

"He doesn't sound the best person to be giving advice."

"He may be short a few fingers, but that was before he adopted his latest method of talking to the animals."

"Are you sure about this? Remember what happened last time you played Doctor Doolittle."

"Prince was a rogue male. You heard - he was a breeding machine. They were probably pumping him full of Viagra and testosterone - an explosive combination if there ever was one."

"I don't know about that, but this is an even bigger dog and he's in peak condition - look at the coat on him."

"Have no fear." She turned, thrust out her arm and hissed. "Ssssssitttttt!"

"What are you doing - trying to convince him there's a snake in the grass?"

"Ssssssitttttt! I'm emphasizing the consonants - that's the secret. There are no vowels in doggy language - they've no vocal cords. They're colour-blind as well," she added. "He's probably bemused by the vast expanse of white you're wearing."

"This is nonsense - stop it before you upset him."

"Ssssssitttttt!"

The dog ignored her and continued following me. "Maybe you should try it in German," I suggested.

"This is dog Esperanto. Ssssssitttttt, you daft sod."

"Perhaps he's deaf," I offered.

"Well then, I'll just have to quell the brute with the power of the human eye." Susie gazed fixedly at the dog.

"Give over, animals don't like being stared at - it's a hostile act. You'll only make things worse."

"Shut up, Jeffrey - don't distract me. This is a battle of wills."

"How can it be, Susie, he's not even looking at you anymore. Something else has got his attention."

"Come here, Wolf," a man in a flat cap, combat jacket and army boots shouted from the newly created gap in the fence.

"Your master's calling - bugger off, Wolf," Susie shouted and then turned to me. "Good job you favour Snow White and not Little Red Riding Hood."

The dog took no notice of his master and we all arrived together on the pavement. Wolf circled in and nuzzled my hand.

"He's a fine animal, isn't he?"

"Very nice," I conceded, "but I'm afraid he'll jump up at me."

"Don't worry," he doffed his cap, "we both know how to behave in the presence of a beautiful young lady. I'm Graham. What's your name?"

"I forget; I've just changed it."

He turned to Susie. "Your friend's teasing me. I've told you my name - what's yours?" Before she could answer he had more questions. "Are your boyfriends in the car? Where are you going?"

"Home: you'll have to excuse us - we're already late."

"Where do you live? I've a nice bungalow. It's not far - would you like to come for a cup of tea? I bet you like toast." He opened his jacket and rubbed his potbelly. "I eat too much of it."

I edged closer to Susie. "No thanks, we really haven't time. Get hold of your dog and stop him following us."

"He wants you for a special friend - you should be flattered."

"I am, but I'm nervous of dogs."

"Especially big dogs, "Susie added and put her arm around me.

"Careful, you'll make Wolf jealous. You two are very affectionate. Are you sisters?"

"Mind your own bloody business," Susie exploded. "You and your bloody dog have caused us enough trouble. Bugger off, the pair of you."

Susie took me by the arm and we stalked off. "Don't look back, Denise."

"You want to get away before the police come, don't you?" He shouted after us. "What have you been up to? I know you're only schoolgirls. Why are you dressed like that? Did you think you could book into a hotel with your boyfriend?"

Susie hurried me on. "I'd go back and floor the lousy creep if it wasn't for that bloody dog. It'd probably leap to his defence and have my throat out."

"I'm glad you're showing some sense at last. Keep going, we're on a busy main road - he can't do anything - he'll soon get fed up."

"It rankles though - running away from that little squirt."

Twenty yards on I felt a wet nose on my hand. "That dog's at it again; he won't leave me alone and his master's right behind him."

Susie stopped and turned. "If you don't stop this, we'll flag down a car."

"I'm not following you. I'm following Wolf; he won't let me put his lead back on."

"That's just an excuse. Bugger off, before you get yourself in serious trouble."

"It's your friend's fault; she's enticing him away - he's fascinated by the swish of her skirts."

"Pull the other one: he's a dog - not a sex pervert like you."

"No, it's true. He's always pulling me up behind women."

"I bet you trained him to do that."

"He's a wilful beast; I've always had trouble with him. The animal sanctuary didn't tell me the full story. I thought I was getting a real macho man's dog."

Wolf was sitting with his tongue hanging out, gazing up at me.

"Okay, give my friend the lead and she can clip it on for you."

"No, he'll never leave her then. He'll pull my arm out following her."

"Tie him to a lamppost until we're out of sight."

"I don't want to cross him; he's been a little temperamental lately. I don't think he appreciates my latest training attempts. I've only been trying to interest him in more manly pursuits, but he still growls if I walk in front of the telly when those dancing programs are on. His eyes are glued to those swirling skirts."

Susie rolled her eyes. "We're going home. If you follow us, I'll introduce you to my dad." she threatened. "He's a second row forward - tell him your fairy story."

"It would be better if you walked him to my house. I'll open a big tin of dog food and lock him in the kitchen. We can have a little drink together; you need a bracer after your accident."

"I know what your game is; come on, Denise."

"That's a lovely name. Don't take any notice of your friend. A nice girl like you shouldn't be going around with a tomboy like her - she'll lead you astray." He lunged at me. "You'll come home with me, won't you, Denise."

I jumped back. "Just let me feel your dress," he pleaded.

In his eagerness to get at me, he stepped on Wolf's foot. The dog yelped before turning and setting at his master with a threatening growl.

"Nasty man," I shouted, gave a shimmy of my hips, rustled my dress and swished my veil for good measure. "Sic him, Wolf." I pointed at our pursuer. "Sic him, boy. Get the horrible beast."

Graham backed off as the dog lowered his head, growled and slowly advanced towards him. "Call him off, please," he trembled.

"I think he wants to give you his paw," Susie laughed. "Show no fear and you'll be okay."

"Down boy, it's me. Down boy - Meaty Chunks, Meaty Chunks, I'm the one who feeds you."

"Take that." Susie took advantage of his preoccupation with Wolf to give him a kick up the backside.

He turned in surprise and the dog took the chance to deliver a bite to his ankle. Graham was triggered into flight and broke into a run.

"After him, boy." I urged Wolf on. "Get him, boy."

The dog took off in pursuit and seemed to be making a game of it as the chase continued back along the road.

"Come on, let's put some distance between us." I picked up my skirts and started to run.

"I seem to be getting a lot of extra exercise since I met you, Jeffrey," Susie puffed when we finally slowed to a walk.

"It'll stand you in good stead. I didn't want to get sweaty or I would have carried on. In this get-up, that was quite an exhilarating experience," I confessed.

"Calm down, Denise," Susie smiled. "Tell me how you took control of Wolf, back there."

"I've no idea. I suppose a man may cause his own dog to bite him."

"You're too modest."

"Not at all: it must have been all down to the dress." I gave a little twirl. "Though you must admit, I do wear it well."

Susie gave me a smack on the bottom. "Funny sort of a dog to have such an interest in women's clothes."

"I can't fault him there - they do have a certain fascination all of their own to an outsider."

"Do you think dogs can be of your persuasion, Jeffrey?"

"No, that sort of thinking is beyond them. It's like - there are happy dogs, but none of them know they are happy."

"Perhaps it had something to do with his previous owner."

"Maybe he belonged to someone into ballroom dancing," I suggested.

"Or dressing up dogs - there's a website for people who dress up their dogs as bees."

"I wish you'd be more cautious when you're surfing, Susie - I dread to think what you may stumble across next."

 

Chapter 24

We made our way up to Susie's front door. "It's a good thing Denise has met Mikey or this could have been awkward for us, Jeffrey."

"It still could be, but I'm prepared for a certain amount of teasing."

"Don't worry, I'll sort him out if he goes too far."

"Wouldn't it be better to humour him, Susie? He probably secretly worships his big sister."

"He'd better," she laughed. "Otherwise he's really in for it."

She opened the door and we stood there looking at each other. "Come on, Susie, jump up."

She grinned and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Don't you dare drop me." I hoisted her into my arms and carried her over the threshold.

I sank down onto the sofa with her in my lap and we had a little kissing session. "We're weird, Susie."

"The weird sisters, right - but shouldn't there be three of them?"

"There are three of us in this relationship, that's what makes it weird."

"Speak for yourself - unusual is as far as I'm prepared to go." She pulled me up. "Come on, up the stairs, I want to get into my black trouser suit."

We passed Mikey's room. "Good, he's in there zapping away. That'll keep him out of our hair until we need him to take the pictures."

"If you must," I sighed. " But first, I should ring mum and let her know we're okay."

Susie closed the door behind her. "Here, do it now, while I get changed."

"Hello mum, I'm safe and sound at Susie's."

"No, I can't at the moment - you'll have to make some kind of excuse."

"I'd have to bring Denise with me - she's turned up unexpectedly."

"I would if I could, but I'm stuck with her for the rest of the night."

"You can't be overheard, can you?"

"A little make-up problem, that's all - it's nothing to worry about."

"If you must know, it's the twenty-four hour stuff bride's wear."

"Because it goes with the outfit - I've had a sort of makeover."

"Yes, the full works."

"No, it was done by a professional. I was her model."

"Yes, model."

"Not a catwalk, exactly."

"Well, I got a round of applause."

"It's hard to explain over the phone."

"Yes, I was wearing it then and I'm wearing it now."

"Since four o'clock."

"I have been through a bomb scare. That kind of took precedence."

"I'm not making excuses."

"No, of course not. I've been very discreet - I've behaved immaculately. You would be happy to have me as your daughter-in-law."

"I know I can't marry Jeffrey - I'm marrying Susie."

"The full get-up - do I have to?"

"Well, don't be shocked - even I find it hard to believe it's really me."

"Yes, I understand. Thanks, mum bye."

"That didn't sound too bad, Jeffrey."

"Mum's calling back when they've gone, but she's none too pleased at having to make up a story," I moaned. "If only relations weren't such nosy buggers. They'll know something fishy is going on. Mum isn't any good at lying."

"But otherwise, things are okay."

"Apart from the fact mum insists on seeing me in my full glory. It's bad enough she knows I'm dressed like this," I groaned. "But when she sees how I act, she'll know I'm not a reluctant bride. She's bound to get totally the wrong idea about me."

"We'll go together and you can show off some boy behaviour to your mum."

"Ah well, that's something to look forward to, but it'll probably only confuse her more."

Susie pulled on her jacket. "I'm ready."

"Are you sure about Mikey seeing us like this?"

"It couldn't be avoided anyway - I was supposed to get him his tea. He'll be barging in here any minute. It's too much to hope he's filled himself up with crisps and pop."

"It'll be interesting to see you as the little housewife," I smiled.

"Not tonight, I'm afraid. We have to get Mikey out of the way for when you want to go home. I'll be sending him down to the local chippy."

"Isn't he going to make a fuss?"

"We can afford to be generous," Susie smiled. "I'll give him a twenty and tell him he can keep the change - he'll be off like a shot."

"Where's the money coming from?"

"Turn round, Jeffrey, let me at those laces - we can't have your mum struggling with the knots."

"I knew it - you only want to get at my cash."

"It's only a loan - you know I'm good for it." She indicated the cheques on her dressing table. "We're in the money."

"Just so long as you don't forget the 'we'," I warned. "Go on, do your worst."

It didn't take Susie long. "Voila! The bride's released from her confinement and ready to show off her hidden delights."

I dug down and scooped out a note. "Here, with Mikey running around, that's all of my assets I'm showing."

"Thank you, kind Miss. I'll bring the camera over to your place; I'm going to get a shot of you in that underwear."

"Lace me back up - and just bows - no fancy knots, I don't want to have to sleep in it."

"I should have snaffled one of those bridal negligees for you. Then you could have enjoyed the wedding night experience as well."

"Not without you, Susie."

"You say the sweetest things, Jeffrey. Now brace yourself while Mistress Susie goes to work."

"Oof, go easy there - you're worse than Stephanie."

"I want you standing up nice and straight. You're beginning to slouch a little."

"That's scarcely surprising after the day I've had. It's been hard work, but I haven't complained. I've stuck at it - not that there's been much choice."

"Quit moaning, you've enjoyed every second of it - and now you'll have a little souvenir." Susie skipped over to the door and yelled. "I'm home, Mikey - come here, I want your help with something."

"I'm busy - you'll have to wait."

"There's money in it for you."

"In a minute."

Susie came back and stood alongside me. "He's on his way."

"You were supposed to make my tea; I'm hungry," he grumbled as he entered the room. "Where've you been until this time? I'll tell ..." He stopped in his tracks.

"Don't stand there gawping: make yourself useful - take a picture of the newlyweds."

"Bloody hell, you've really done it now, Susie. Mum and dad will go bananas."

"I knew it wasn't for real," Mikey snorted as he put down the camera. "Nobody would be daft enough to marry you."

"We'll see," Susie smiled. "Marriage comes by destiny, isn't that right, Denise?"

"I shouldn't be at all surprised - and a lot else too, for that matter," I sighed.

"My stomach's rumbling," Mikey whined. "I haven't eaten for hours. Quit looking gooey-eyed at each other and feed me."

"All in good time. I'll get you something in a bit."

"I want a proper meal not a bowl of cornflakes. Mum's worried I'm outgrowing my strength - I need lots of protein."

"Have a banana while you're waiting."

"That's no good. Red meat's the thing - fruit's no substitute."

"Chimps thrive on it - and gorillas," Susie grinned. "Ask Denise."

"There's nothing chimpanzees like better than gorging on a young colobus monkey," I volunteered. "I can't understand why people are so shocked - they haven't developed canines like that to peel grapes."

"You see, Susie she's on my side," Mikey smirked. "And what about the cash I was promised - you're a witness to that, aren't you, Denise?"

"I haven't forgotten," Susie replied. "Just hang on; we're expecting a call. After that, you'll get your money and a meal."

Mikey came over and stood beside me. "Take one of me and Denise while we're waiting."

"It'll be no use to you, Mikey. If you show it to your friends, they're never going to believe I'm your girlfriend. You'll just look foolish," I added, in the hope of discouraging him. "They'll think you're trying to con them with some photo taken at a wedding."

"I know that - I'm not daft. I want it for my own private collection," he grinned.

"Don't be so bloody cheeky; Denise doesn't want to be one of your pin-up girls."

"I didn't mean that. I like Denise - she's nice," he grinned, taking my arm. "And she's a good influence on you - you've been almost human this past week."

Susie aimed a half-hearted swat at him and picked up the camera. "Okay, but no monkey business - keep your hands to yourself."

"I know how to behave in the presence of a real lady," he beamed. "Click away."

Mikey was about to suggest something else when Susie's phone rang. I grabbed it. "Mum - yes, I'll be straight home - bye."

"Do you have to go this minute?"

"Yes, my mum's very strict."

"I thought you wanted your supper," Susie broke in. "You'll have to go for it - I'm beat. Get yourself cod, chips and mushy peas. Here," she passed over a twenty pound note, "you can keep the change."

Mikey's eyes lit up and he snatched it out of her hand. "Okay, but I don't want fish - it's girlie grub. I want a baby's head covered in gravy."

"You'll be better off with a fish," I advised. "It's a wholesome food - you know exactly what you're getting."

"That's right, Mikey, look what it's done for Denise - a flawless complexion."

"That's okay for girls, but boys need a spot or two, or they look like sissies."

"You'll be eating sweepings-up and scrapings off," I warned. "They put all sorts of crap into those meat puddings."

"I don't care; I'm having two - with a dob of tomato sauce in the centre of each. Guess what they'll remind me of."

"Two quivering soggy grey mounds," Susie raised her eyebrows. "What sort of magazines are you passing around at school, Mikey - Pig Breeder's Weekly?"

"Aw, sucks to you." He shoved the money in his pocket and headed for the door. "Think yourself lucky I'm letting you bribe me like this." He glanced over his shoulder. "Bye for now, Denise."

"Bye, Mikey."

I got over the fence with the aid of a pair of stepladders and a chair. "Remember, Susie, now that I'm home safe and sound, we can play up the bomb drama and the danger I was in."

"You're shameless, Jeffrey."

"No, I'm not. I've had a good look at myself in the mirror. When mum actually sees me, she may be quite upset that I've been parading around in public like this for the last four hours."

"Don't worry, we'll make her realise it was unavoidable."

"Maybe, but it can't hurt to have something that puts our little foibles into perspective."

"Like being blown up by a bomb."

"Yes, but don't be too blatant about it - be subtle."

"Well, at least you weren't in any danger of being recognised as Jeffrey."

"An exclusive Stephanie gown is a good disguise," Susie pointed out.

"And her make-up job helps," I added.

"And your undoubted enthusiasm for the role, Jeffrey."

"I can't help it, mum. I like being Denise - and I like being Denise with Susie even better."

"And he loves being Jeffrey with me as well."

"You do make a lovely couple however you're dressed - but especially now," mum smiled.

Susie gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I don't fully understand it myself, but Denise is part of me, mum."

"I know, but I'm scared something will happen if you keep having public adventures. I suspect you don't tell me everything that goes on. You really should be more careful."

"I have to take the blame this time, Mrs Smith. I was carried away by our triumph - Four cups and seven hundred pounds. I was so excited I don't know what came over me."

"Dizziness due to success - that was your problem, Susie," I put in. "Don't feel too badly - it could happen to anyone."

"Thanks, it's nice of you to be so understanding."

"That's okay. You've learned an important lesson for the future."

"Anyway," Susie continued, "Jeffrey had looked such a frump all weekend that I went quite giddy at the thought of standing him behind a wedding dress. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have taken him anywhere near Stephanie."

"Yes, she turned out to be a forceful character, not used to taking no for an answer. We were out of our depth."

"Why did she pick on you, Jeffrey?"

"Her model had let her down and he was the right size."

"Well then, so were you."

"She thought it would be a better show to turn a geeky girl into a beautiful bride."

"Why didn't you tell her you were a boy?"

"We had communications difficulties: her deaf-aid was on the blink."

"And English isn't her first language," Susie added.

"I couldn't shout out 'I'm a boy' at the top of my voice. They'd given me the prize as best lady player."

"How did that little accident happen?"

"That was my fault as well. I gave them my name by mistake. If we'd said anything, people might have thought we were cheating - and Jeffrey had won fair and square."

"What's important, mum," I interrupted, "is the bomb scare. We had to evacuate the place immediately; there was no time to change. That's why I got stuck like this."

"Fate once again socked Jeffrey on the jaw, Mrs Smith."

"And followed up with a one-two to the midriff," I added. "The mass exodus swamped all the transport and we had to pretty much walk the whole way home. That's why we're so late. I'm so sorry, mum - but things might have been a lot worse."

"I'm grateful that we got back in one piece," Susie shuddered. "It gives me the shivers when I think what could have happened. It certainly put things into perspective."

"Oh, Jeffrey." She hugged me to her. "I couldn't bear to lose you - please be careful."

She stepped back and wiped a tear from her eye. "Don't cry, mum - we were never in any real danger." I felt a pang of guilt. "It was only a big firework. I'm sorry if we frightened you."

Mum gave a sniff. "I should be really mad at the pair of you, leaving me stuck with Uncle Bob and Aunt Jane. They gave me a funny look when I told them you were out with your girlfriend."

"Next time, tell them I've started ballet classes - they'll believe that."

"It's nothing to joke about; it was very embarrassing. They thought you were sulking up in your room, deliberately avoiding them."

"No one has a better reason," I spluttered. "He went too far last time, pinning me down on the sofa like that and slobbering in my ear. Now that I've had a little nuzzling experience of my own with Susie, I'm beginning to worry about what he may be up to."

"I'm sorry, Jeffrey - I should have spoken out before, but I don't know exactly what to say to him."

"Neither do I. I thought he'd be treating me like a grown-up by now," I sighed. "Perhaps he still looks on me as just a kid - I hope that's all it is."

"Do you think he's discovered Pinky and Perky?" Susie asked.

"Not yet, but he's bound to find out," I moaned. "Another of his shows of affection was tweaking the flesh on my chest. It's only a matter of time before he tries it again."

"He sounds like a bit of a sadist to me; I'm glad he's not one of my relatives - I would have swung for him by now."

"You'd be okay, Susie. Uncles can't play rough and tumble with nubile nieces and pretend it's a male bonding thing."

"Worry not, Jeffrey, next time I'll be there. If he tries to grab you, I'll be in there first and tell him - 'hands off, he's mine' - I'll make sure he gets the message."

"That's a good idea, Susie. Then there'd be no danger of a family row. I wouldn't want Jeffrey's gran upset."

"Happy to oblige, Mrs Smith."

I started for the door. "I think it's time I got out of these clothes - come upstairs and help me, Susie."

"Wait a minute." Mum dashed out and returned with a camera. "Just a few shots for the family album," she smiled. "You do make such a lovely couple."

"Free at last, free at last." I was in my bedroom and back in boy clothes.

Susie looked shocked. "What kind of talk is that, Jeffrey?"

"After the day I've had, pretty mild. It's just wonderful to be able to relax again. You can have too much of a good thing - I'm Denised out."

"Think again, Jeffrey - until you get rid of the last traces of make-up, you're stuck with her."

I had a good look in the mirror.

"You're right," I admitted, "clothes don't maketh the man, but Denise is staying in tomboy mode and confined to quarters."

Susie held up my discarded underwear "I wish you hadn't taken these off - it's a shame not to make the most of them."

"You've got your pictures they should be more than enough. I must have been mad posing for you like that," I shivered. "If mum had walked in, I wouldn't have known where to put myself. It would have been embarrassing enough if I was her daughter - never mind her son."

"You were the one who suggested we play glamour model and lesbian photographer."

"That was just my way of winding down; I've had a very stressful day. If you keep this up," I warned, "I'll expect you to take massage lessons."

"Wearing these is just as good and you look so cute." Susie stroked them lovingly. "They're so soft and sexy," she breathed.

"Well then, you put them on. I've no objection to a snogging session with you as the lingerie model."

"That wouldn't be wise, like you say, your mum might walk in on us. What would she think?"

"Precisely."

"No it's different for you. I'd be compromised - in my boyfriend's bedroom, wearing only my underwear."

"But it's okay for me though."

"A girl's reputation is a fragile thing - it's more easily damaged than a boy's. Don't sulk, Jeffrey, that's just how things are."

"In that case," I huffed, "Denise feels exactly the same way and there's an end to the matter."

"Just for now," Susie smirked. "We'll be spending some of our winnings at Bustop - an investment for when we're alone together."

"I hope that's matching sets, Susie."

"Of course, Jeffrey - one in pink and one in blue."

"Well, at least if Denise is in her undies, she won't be venturing out down the high street."

"Only in your dreams, eh Jeffrey. Have you had one like that yet - where you're caught almost naked as Denise in public?"

"No, I haven't - and I'd thank you not to put such ideas into my head. Today's events have given me more than enough fodder for nightmares."

Susie grinned and held up the wedding dress. " Stephanie will be pleased when we return it to her, in near pristine condition."

"What are we going to do about that - her shop's in Lancston - can we just put it in the post?"

"I think it's important to maintain the personal touch, Jeffrey - we're still owed money. We'll give her a ring - she may come and collect it."

I jumped in alarm "I don't want her coming here, Susie - or your house."

"We could always meet up with her again at next month's show - how does that appeal?"

"I can't keep wandering around as Denise," I objected. "We've been lucky so far, but sooner or later, we'll run into someone who knows me and doesn't like me - and they won't be drunk."

"You'll be safe if we bike it there again. How about that?"

"Why can't I go as Jeffrey and leave you to deal with Stephanie?"

"You can leave home as Jeffrey and at a quiet spot out of town - hello, Denise."

"You should think things through, Susie. I'll have to tell Stephanie more lies."

"You're very believable, Jeffrey."

"Maybe so, but you won't be able to stop adding your two penn'orth. It'll be a case of - 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - before you're finished. Not to mention you'll be volunteering us for her next outings."

"Well, if you're there with me, you'll be able to exert a restraining influence."

I fell off the bed.

I put down the make-up wipes. "It's no good; I'll have to give school a miss tomorrow."

"Or you could go and still give school a miss tomorrow," Susie smiled.

"I don't think they're ready for that yet and neither am I. A nerdy Jeffrey fits in a lot better than a cross-dressing Jeffrey."

"I like them both." Susie recommenced her kissing mission.

"What will you do all day," she asked when we paused for breath.

"I'll catch up on my sleep. Thanks to you, I've already missed two Sunday lie-ins. I should insist you come over and make me breakfast in bed."

"That's not a bad idea; I think we both deserve a holiday. After all, we gave up our weekend for the benefit of the school. How does a nice quiet day out together appeal?"

"With me as Denise."

"Or Jeffrey wearing make-up."

"I think it may be better if I stayed in bed the whole day - with the clothes pulled over my head."

"I can't allow that, Jeffrey - no reverting to your old bad habits."

"I might risk a ride out over the river- but I'd have to be sensibly dressed - and we wouldn't be making any shopping stops."

"We could go to the bank," Susie countered. "I'll have to wait until the cheques clear, but you can have what I've got in as a down payment - there's an incentive for you."

"I don't want to go into town."

"We'll cycle to Thornley and use the branch there. Bike, bank and cash - that should appeal to you, Jeffrey. What about it?"

"I'm not sure. There'll be crowds of shoppers about - it's always busy. I'll be on edge the whole time waiting for something to happen."

"Don't worry, I'll be there to look after you."

"Frankly, Susie, that isn't reassuring - you're a high risk girlfriend."

"Don't exaggerate - I do no more than keep you on your toes."

"That's one way of looking at it."

"That's settled then - we're off to the bank tomorrow."

"I didn't say that - I still feel uneasy about it."

"I'm not suggesting we go as Bonnie and Clyde. We'll be putting money in - I wouldn't be surprised if they gave us a free pen and wallet. Come on, you couldn't find a safer place for a day out."

"I don't know - they have more than their fair share of robberies."

"Only because that's where the money is - it's not their fault. Anyway, what are the chances of that happening?"

"If we're there, pretty damn good I imagine."

"Shut up and kiss me, stupid."