Actually it's a scene from The Dinky Doos Investigate.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

"Tell me the best, Susie," Mikey chortled. "Have you been banished to the outer limits?"

"Au contraire, mon petit frère, I've been admitted to the inner sanctum. Behold - dad's newest trainee estate agent - and heir apparent."

"I don't believe you," Mikey spluttered.

"You'd better - I've got the tape measure and evidence to prove it."

"No, you haven't."

"Go and look in the kitchen," Susie challenged. "Mum's already microwaving a mess of pottage and fluffing up the goatskin. For my brother is a hairy boy, and I am a smooth girl."

"You and your bloody gobbledygook! What really happened, Denise?"

"Don't worry, Mikey, your place as the favoured son is secure - Susie's only kidding."

"Yeah, she can't fool me. I knew it all along."

"Course you did, Mikey." Susie reached up and patted him affectionately on the head. "But we are helping dad to keep a vital branch office open, by working as temps for a day."

"You working?"

"Yes, we've put ourselves last and made room in our busy schedule to safeguard your birth-right, little brother."

"That's okay, then," Mikey conceded. "I'm glad you didn't get bawled out."

"And you can further show your gratitude by lending us your magnifying glass."

"What for?"

"Denise is going to scrutinise the accounts. Someone may have been fiddling while the home office's back was turned."

"Is that why dad's involved with the police?"

"We can say no more, but, rest assured, we'll be protecting your interests by reading the small print."

"All right." Mikey went over to the computer desk and shoved his pal aside. "Move it, Tommy - I want to get in the drawer."

"Aw - you've made me crash."

"Never mind that," Mikey hissed. "There's something better to stare at - my girlfriend's here, and showing them off. Come and have a peep."

"Watch out, Denise," Susie murmured.

I casually moved my hands over Pinky and Perky, as the boys came grinning towards us.

"Here you are, Susie, and don't break it. It's a super strong one - it makes everything look heaps bigger."

"Ah, the answer to a maiden's head. Would you like to have a squint, Denise?"

"Not Pygmalion likely - put it away."

Susie smiled and pocketed the glass. "Show some manners and introduce us to your guest, Mikey."

"This is Tommy - he's in my gang. It's a boys-only club, but you can be an honorary member if you like, Denise ... and you, Susie."

"No we can't - it's full equality or nothing. And I'd have to be president for life."

"I'm not taking orders from a girl, Mikey."

"Didn't you hear?" Susie grasped her lapels. "We're not girls - we're professional young women."

"Then why are you dressed funny?" Tommy snickered.

"Because we're blooming busy bees. These are our second job, work clothes."

"It must be a pretty peculiar job," Tommy mocked. "What is it?"

"We're the Dinky Doos, comedy waitresses in a pizza parlour. We have the clientele choking with laughter."

"I don't believe it! Mikey's warned me you're always making things up."

"Tell Doubting Thomas about our latest satisfied customer, Denise."

"You mean the chap who asked for the small slice of ham and a giant piece of lemon rind."

"That's the one - after we fulfilled his order, Mr Armstrong was walking on the moon."

"So?"

"He doesn't get it, Denise."

"There's nothing to get," Tommy sneered. "And there's no such thing as comedy waitresses. You're having me on."

"No, I'm not, you prize plum. Mirth angels are all the rage in Japan; that's where we went for our training."

"You're bloody crackers."

"Ah, praise at last, Denise - nobody can resist us."

"If you're so funny, make me laugh."

"Okay, pin back your lugholes.

"Oh, Dinky Don't, Susie," I blushed. "We're in mixed company."

"True, Denise - and we shouldn't waste our A1 material on non-paying customers. What else suitable have we in our repertoire?"

"Why don't I recite The Tay Bridge Disaster, Susie? You can't beat the great McGonagall for comic verse.

"Sophisticated stuff like that would go over their heads, Denise."

"I'll save it for your Uncle Frank, then, Susie. In his time of trouble, I'm sure he'll appreciate the closing sentiments."

"Really - what are they?"

"Forget it, Denise."

"If you say so, Susie. Maybe we could do a duet of The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner; that's another of granddad's favourites."

"We haven't got all night, Denise. Something out of a Christmas cracker would be more fitting."

"Stop messing about and tell us a proper joke," Tommy scowled.

"We're ready now, sourpuss," Susie grinned; "that fooling around gave us time to improvise something specially for you. Take it away, Denise, and keep it short - no shaggy albatross stories."

"There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, who kept having nightmares they were part of a risqué anecdote," I began.

"So they go to see a psychiatrist," Susie continued.

"And he takes them for a walk, and they get lost in the jungle."

"Where they meet this leopard. Carry on, Denise."

"And the leopard says to the psychiatrist. 'You're just the man I need. Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes'."

"Notice what we did there?"

"Is that it?" Tommy jeered.

"Obviously not - it's only the set-up," Susie scolded. "Keep quiet -you're ruining our rhythm. Now, where were we, Denise?"

"Spots before the leopard's eyes."

"Right - the psychiatrist thinks a bit and says, 'I've got some good news for you'."

"'What's that?' the leopard asks."

"'I've won the lottery. Ten coconuts plus VAT, please'."

"Very nicely done, Susie."

"We should be on the telly, Denise."

"In your dreams - that wasn't much better," Tommy scoffed.

"Shut up, we haven't finished yet," Susie snorted. "Back to the plot, Denise - where are we?"

"The leopard asks for a second opinion."

"So he goes to this ophthalmologist. 'Ah, spots before the eyes, is it?' the man nods. 'Well, that's nothing to worry about'."

"'Yes, it is', the leopard protests."

"'Get off home to your wife and don't argue with me. Spots before the eyes is perfectly natural in your case'."

"'But, doc', the leopard wails, 'I'm married to a zebra'."

"Boom! Boom!" Susie smacked Tommy on the behind. "We're available for bookings."

"Gerroff - that hurt! I've a big icky there."

"Ah, you're suffering from gamer's bottom."

"No, I'm not - tell her, Mikey."

"It's a beaut with a fat yellow head, Susie. Do you want to see if it's ready to burst?"

"No, thank you, Mikey - a watched boil never pops. Go and sit down, Tommy, and make yourself uncomfortable."

"Your sister's as bad as you said," Tommy whined. "Bloody girls!"

"Never mind Susie," Mikey laughed. "It was a good joke, and Denise told it great, didn't she?"

"I suppose so - but what had the Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman to do with it?"

"Nothing -they were classic comic misdirection," Susie whooped. "While you were dazzled by Denise's headlights, I removed your underpants. Ta-raa!" Susie threw a pair of pink knickers in Donny's face.

"They're not mine!" he stuttered, blushing bright red.

"Susie's an expert prestidigitator," Mikey laughed. "You'd better check."

"I've no need to," Tommy glared. "And she should stick to waitressing. Let's see her do a bit of that - I'm thirsty."

"Okay the joke's on you, and now you can have the Coke on us," Susie grinned.

"I want a strawberry milkshake."

"To match your briefs - the customer's always right. How about you, Mikey?"

"I'll have a real man's drink. Fetch me an Irn Bru, Denise - it's made out of girders."

"And hurry up about it," Tommy ordered. "My mouth's gone dry."

"We go, we go; look how we go. Swifter than arrow from the Tartar's bow."

"Here you are, Mikey." I served up his order with a curtsy. "There was only Vimto - I hope it's manly enough for you."

"We put it in the dirtiest glass we could find; the one mum traps slugs in," Susie winked.

"Oh, you didn't!" Mikey pulled a face in disgust.

"Susie's teasing again," I smiled.

"I knew you wouldn't let her do anything like that, Denise. Come over here, and you can push your nose up my pullover."

"Go and get me something to hit you with, Mikey," Susie threatened.

"Only joking," Mikey chuckled.

"And we're only leaving - we have to prepare for our shift at the office tomorrow. We'll be earning, while you're learning. Have a nice day at school."

"Bugger off."

"We're pleased to oblige. Come on, Denise, let's leave the children to play."

"Bye, Mikey."

"Bye, Denise."

I linked arms with Susie, and, as we made our way down the hall, the boys' voices echoed after us.

"What colour of knickers are you wearing, Tommy?"

"They're not knickers and they're not pink."

"Denise's are - I saw them."

"So did I, and she doesn't mind showing off her boobies as well."

"I told you so."

"But if she's your girlfriend, Mikey, why was she cosying up to your sister and looking at her all gooey-eyed?"

"You don't understand modern career women, Tommy - drink your milkshake."

"Where did those knickers come from, Susie?"

"My pocket, Denise - they were yours. I rescued them from Alice's and Amy's."

"Then the least said about that little episode the better."

"But we did learn one important fact, Jeffrey."

"And what's that, Susie?"

"Old Thurlow was right - we do have the makings of a promising double act."

"Dodging fusillades of rotten tomatoes."

"A comedy bonus - as long as they take them out of the tins, Jeffrey."

"Your showbiz ambitions will come to nothing, Susie," I advised. "No one would hire us because of all the bad language."

"What do you mean, Jeffrey? We don't curse and swear."

"No, but the audience will, Susie."