Photo by Anna Shvets: https://www.pexels.com

Preface

Every so often I check the Retro Classics Page here at BC just to see if I missed a good story. Today there was an entry for Emma Ann Tate's Software Update. Since this story continues my own Reprogramming Your Life, I was interested in the comment.

Now, naturally I couldn't just read the one comment, so I read them all. One by Patricia Marie Allen that included the phrase that inspired and became the title of this piece. When someone asks me 'where do you get your ideas?' they don't know what a can of worms they might be opening. Thanks to all of you for the inspiration.

Admit it. We all do it. How many times have you wasted far too much time just surfing the web and watching video after video about stuff you never knew was interesting?

Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on StockSnap

It happens when you're an old fart. You just sort of doodle along, until one day you open your dresser drawer and there is only one pair of shorts left in there and when you put them on they sort of droop and barely hang on, the elastic shot from too many washings. Back when I was married such things just wouldn't have happened, my wife would have replaced my worn underwear as part of her wifely duties. Seriously, that's how she thought of such things – wifely duties.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov: https://www.pexels.

Remember back in middle school, when you had to take English? Maybe you don't, having mercifully forgotten the torture of middle school. Even though middle school was not something I really wanted to enshrine in my book of memories, I do remember Mrs Gore's English Class. A very appropriate name, Gore, as most of us felt we had been slashed to bloody ribbons by the end of the class.

Lucy Goes Visiting

So I put my bra, enhancers, jewelry and Mom's sweater in my backpack, along with the flats Caitlyn gave me. I decided to walk to her house, partly to give me practice walking like a girl does. The Internet is full of good advice. The other part was hoping that if Caitlyn came back to our house we could walk holding hands.

Of Course It Isn't That Easy!

After all the excitement the day before, I slept in. Being a Monday, Mom had to go to work so I was home alone. As soon as I got out from under the covers I realized I was wearing a nightgown and not my pajamas. That brought back what happened the day before and I just had to smile. I hadn't been so sure when Mom suggested I could try being a girl over the vacation, but I had certainly enjoyed being Mom's daughter yesterday.

Decision Time

Sunday morning. I suppose some folks would be getting dressed for church, but that's not what happened in our house. Mom hasn't got much use for religion. When I noticed that people like my buddy Jasper went to church on Sunday and we didn't I asked Mom why. I was pretty young then, so she just said something like she didn't believe in god.

Confusion

Caitlyn and her Mom went home, Caitlyn grinning from ear-to-ear because she left her bra and panties in my room and knew that I couldn't tell anybody about it. I have to admit I was thoroughly distracted as we watched the rest of the movie.

"You seem restless," Mom observed when the credits started to roll.

"Yeah. Caitlyn and I were talking and I'm confused."

Start at the beginning

I want to explain why I'm running for the state legislature, but that's the end of the story. How I got there isn't a straight shot, in fact it is quite an elliptical path.

Do I Pass?

I gave a little spin as I had seen my mother and sisters do and said "Do I pass inspection?"

Where to start? There are so many places…

I could start with the weather, which was a gorgeous spring day. I could start with the restless feeling that overcame me as I woke on that gorgeous spring day; the kind of day you throw caution to the winds and do whatever you really want to do instead of what's sensible.. Maybe I should start at the HEB, but if you aren't a denizen of the Great State Of Texas you won't have the faintest idea what an HEB is.

See how hard it is to find a starting place?

It's tempting to blame it all on my mother; haul out some psychobabble about how I was raised and childhood trauma and such. Tempting, sure, but anyone who has stayed awake through biology class knows that it's really all due to my father. Four sisters, one lone male - me. It's a biological fact that the male determines a child's sex at conception, but you try growing up as the last child with four sisters.

Author's Note

I just spent the last couple of months reading all 86 of Erle Stanley Gardner's Perry Mason books. When my wife asked me what I was reading my tongue stumbled and I said Mary Payson. At that moment my Muse started doing somersaults and this is what came out. I'd apologize to Mr Gardner but he died long ago.

If you aren't familiar with Perry Mason, most libraries will have the books in printed or electronic form. They're well worth the time to read if you like character-driven mysteries. If you aren't familiar with Perry, you may find some of the references a bit obscure.

Ryan Mondalmi

The Customer Presentation.

So we spent most of Monday night gluing Lori back together. We didn't bother with the makeup since I wouldn't be showing any seams. For all the good it did, Aida gave me a titty squeeze to welcome Lori back.

People Watching At The Party

With that he wandered to greet the guests as they arrived. We seated ourselves in the shade of the big tent and indulged in some people watching. Since most of the guests were of her parent's generation, we weren't disturbed for quite some time as guests greeted one another.