THIS SERIES CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF FORCED BOZOFICATION, BIZARRE NOSE MODIFICATION, SELTZER-WATER SPORTS AND PIE PLAY. IF YOU DO NOT LIKE "CLOWNDOM" STORIES PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS ONE. IT WILL ONLY UPSET YOU...

======== HUMOR ME
======== by LAIKA PUPKINO
======== Part One: TURNING PUNKIN' JUDY

[===> As I review my notes here in this abandoned fun house deep in the Monkeyshine District, I am aware that this memoir has ended up a lot longer than the few pages I had assumed it would take. But the more I wrote the more important it became to chronicle the events of that day---my bizarre transformation and everything that led up to it---EXACTLY as I remember them. It would sadden me terribly to think that Billy Xenakis had disappeared off the face of the Earth without leaving at least some record. So please. Humor me here...]

I really began to think where my life went wrong. As I looked at my life for those 15 years I spent living in that hell on earth as I now refered to it years later. I realized I had a few choices really, 1. kill myself , I really came close several times over that 15 years I spent with my undeserving parents and brother. 2. leave and never look back. I chose option 2.

"On January 1, 2008, a new new agency was born. The mission of this agency? To repair the personality flaws that

have long kept the human race from achieving harmony with each other.

They are led by a tough, no nonsense, director named Rebecca Snow. She went to work assembling the best team of agents, the Universe had to offer.

Agency: The Bureau Of Karmic Retribution

"That's your new high school: Blessed Yvette High School for Girls. I've told you the name before."

"I don't think so," I said. "I'd remember a whacked-out name like that."

She gave me a funny look.

. . . Then, looking down at my own chest, I realized what they were really looking at. My nipples, the nipples which Rebecca had insisted I glue to my breast forms, now jutted aggressively through my sports bra. They were calling to the men like the Sirens called to the lost sailors in the Odyssey.

. . . He had never turned his personality on like this when I was a man. Now, he was totally engaging: a force of nature, nearly. I knew that if I continued to look into his eyes, he'd melt me, and all I'd want to do was caress his face with my hand, and then pull him down into another kiss. But I just couldn't let that happen. . .

. . . And as long as I was rebelling, I decided to leave my toes, figuring that no one would see them anyway, and I could wait until they chipped to clean them up. At least that's what I told Rebecca. I really thought that once they needed to be redone, I could just switch to another color, and no one would see that either.

A Leap of Faith
By Maggie the Kitten

Edited by Holly Hart and shalimar

“Look … Randall, I know I’ve given birth a few times, so you might assume it’s a bit old hat by now, but I think I’d know if I’d dropped another baby. It is kind of a memorable experience. So let me make this really, really clear for you. There is no Stephanie Watson. There has never been a Stephanie Watson. I don’t need to fill out any damn forms to say so, and if we don’t get this sorted out and my children onto the shuttle you’ll be the one suffering from illness or incapacity. Now put that in your database!”

I was in the kitchen making some tea, I badly needed a cup of its life giving waters. I took us out a tray of tea. We sat in the lounge, Tom and Stella jabbering away and me trying to calm down after the afternoon's trauma. I closed my eyes and what seemed like minutes later opened them, it was dark

Easy As Falling Off A Bike
by Angharad,
part:190