Wuthering Dormice (aka Bike) Part 911 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

The next morning I told the girls about the wedding blessing and they were so excited they were virtually uncontrollable. They all wanted to go trying on dresses and so forth, and I really began to wish I hadn’t agreed to it.

Simon was coming home that day, Saturday, so he’d now be on my case as well. Maybe I could divorce him and become a hermit somewhere in a cave, far away from anyone else. Yeah, a cave in a forest where I could look for dormice and avoid people.

Why did I have to raise the matter of the wedding blessing? Mainly because I thought one of the Camerons would if I didn’t. After breakfast Leon arrived and I asked him to do a bit of tidying in the garden and if the two boys helped, they could do a bike ride after lunch.

Julie offered to help in the garden, but I told her that I had other plans for her. We changed half the beds between us, and Trish and Livivie put the bedding in the machine. I’d given them very precise instructions of how much powder and conditioner to use, and how many bits of bedding to do per wash.

Simon arrived as we were in the middle of it, with Livvie carrying armfuls of washing down the stairs and Trish measuring out cups of detergent and conditioner. Mima was busy emptying the dishwasher and Stella was putting the stuff away, and the house was filled with the aroma of fresh bread–the second loaf, I’d baked that morning.

Simon had been at a banquet or something last night–he did tell me what, not that I’m worried–I trust him, as he does me; so he looked quite tired when he arrived. He stood in the hallway watching our industry and sighing with admiration.

“Hello, darling, “ I said spotting him, I walked straight up to him and kissed him. He sighed and hugged me.

“It was an awful bloody night, the food was horrible and the speeches interminable. I’d much rather have been at home with you and the girls.”

“Don’t forget the boys–they’re here for the long ride, too.”

“Of course–but, I do tend to forget them, I’m sorry.”

“Hello, Daddy,” said Meems finding Simon in the hall.

“Daaaadddeeeee,” whooped my other two child labourers when they heard Mima greeting her daddy. I stood back and he was hit by a landslide of girlery, giggling and demanding his attention. I slipped into the kitchen and switched the kettle on.

Once the initial welcoming tidal wave had been weathered, Simon, Stella, Julie and I had a cuppa and quick chat–then he went upstairs and changed into his workaday clothes and went out to see the boys in the garden.

The girls would have gone too if I’d let them, instead I had them dusting and vacuuming while I made a large pot of soup. I’m sure everyone must think that’s all I can cook, but it is quick and filling. I did a chicken based one this time, with pasta and loads of vegetables–the nice thing is that I can get it going from start to finish and ready for eating in less than an hour.

I got Julie to load the breadmaker, after she removed the previous loaf, and to pop it on again. She hadn’t done it before–Trish was wanting to do it, but she has, and I wanted Julie to learn–I also had her help me with the soup, so again she was learning some homemaker skills.

In fact, Julie did most of it, so when the boys said it tasted good, she could take the credit for it–much to Trish’s chagrin. Which is what happened–the boys, well Leon and Simon–said it was good, and Julie took all the credit. Trish burst into tears and ran off from the table.

I called her back but she refused to come. I walked her back to the table much to everyone’s embarrassment and made her sit down again. “Now, what do you say?”

“I’m sorry,” she sniffed, “May I leave the table, Mummy?”

“Yes, sweetheart.”

She ran off again, still sniffing.

The boys went off to change for cycling, and Julie asked if she go could with them. I told her if she behaved herself, she could. She went to change and to borrow one of my helmets as well as one of my bikes.

“What was all that with Trish?” asked Simon.

“Jealousy, she wanted to say she’d cooked the meal–but it was Julie’s turn to learn.”

“Oh, too many women in the same kitchen”–he smirked.

“Not at all, I gave her another job to do and she did it very well. If you want to cheer her up, say how clean the carpets look–she did the vacuuming.”

“I’ll do that. What’s this about a wedding? Someone we know?”

“No,” I said and smirked.

“So who’s borrowing our kids for bridesmaids, and the boys said they were having to wear kilts.”

I shook my head, “You are tired, Si, aren’t you?”

“Oh God, Stanebury–you’ve finally got round to setting a date?”

“Not quite, but I’m getting there.”

“It’s funny, but I’d forgotten all about it–we seem to have been married forever.”

“I know, terrible isn’t it–however, I promised the girls they could be bridesmaids, and once I set the date, I have to see if I can find the other little girl whom I promised a chance to be one too.”

“Oh in the hospital?”

“Yeah, have to look and see where I put her name and address.”

“Haven’t you asked her yet?” Simon seemed surprised.

“What’s the point–I haven’t sorted out a date yet, have I?”

“Oh, I see–well, you’d better pull your finger out, hadn’t you?”

If I hadn’t seen the twinkle in his eye, I’d have punched him on the nose.

“I see–I thought I’d better consult with my husband, you know–he’s an awkward sod, and is likely to be pre-booked for something else.”

“Like that, is it–have you thought of divorcing him?”

“Yeah, loads of times–but if we split everything down the middle, what am I going to do with all these ‘haploid’ children?”

“Haploid?”

“Well if we divide them properly, he’ll get one set of their chromosomes and I’ll get the other.”

“That completely, eh?”

“Absolutely.”

“Remind me not to marry you,” he said and got up from the table.

“So are we gonna continue living in sin then?” I called after him.

“No–I’ll go back to my first wife.”

“Okay, want me to get you a cab?”

“Yeah–better warn the harem first, ask them to sprinkle a few drops of water on each one of my wives.”

“I know I’m going to hate asking this, but why would they sprinkle water on them?”

“The first one who sizzles, she’s the one I sleep with tonight.”

Oh well, I was quite right about one thing–I wished I hadn’t asked–corny or what?

I waited until he’d gone upstairs to the bedroom and pressed the intercom on the phone.

“Hello?”

“It’s your first wife,” I said.

“Oh put her on.”

“Hello, Simon?”

“Yes, darling?”

“I’ve been talking with your other wives.”

“Oh yes–and?”

“We’d like a pay rise–or a divorce.”

“Um–why?”

“Why not?”

“Fair enough–how much?”

“A bonus of a couple of million, should be enough.”

“I see, is that all?”

“Plus more conjugal rights.”

“If we divorce?” he queried.

“Only up until the divorce–then after the settlement, we’ll be able to buy in conjugal from Tesco or someone.”

“I’d try Marks and Spenser, if I were you, or Waitrose.”

“Good thinking,” I replied, “they’d give money back if not one hundred per cent
satisfied.”

“Sounds good to me, could you ask my current wife to come up?”

“I suppose so–can I ask what for?”

“So I can sh–um, so we can make love while the kids are out.”

“The girls are still in, and I was going to take them for a bike ride.”

“Can’t Julie do that?”

“She’s just gone out with the boys.”

“Bloody women.”