(aka Bike) Part 834 by Angharad |
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It was our wedding night–if such a title would be appropriate? In a literal sense we were newlyweds, but after the encounter earlier, Simon seemed frightened of me. We went to bed and after a polite goodnight, we settled down to sleep facing away from each other. I felt very guilty, I did love him very much but I was still mad at him–or maybe I was mad at myself and had nowhere to dump it.
“Do you regret marrying me?” came a very quiet voice after we’d lain there for probably twenty minutes.
“Do you regret marrying me?” I threw back at him.
“I don’t know–I seem to have misunderstood you–I was trying to make your birthday special.”
“It was that alright.”
“But not in the way I meant it to be.”
“How did you mean it to be?”
“I thought you’d enjoy the surprise–I mean, what can I give a woman who has everything?”
I resisted the urge to say, penicillin, “Probably anything else would have been a lovely surprise.”
“I made a huge mistake, I’m sorry.” He rolled back over away from me, and I think he was crying.
I turned towards him, “I’m no longer cross with you, but you have to understand that you took the initiative away from me.”
“I know, I thought you were frightened of it.”
“I was.”
“So I tried to save you that fear.”
Now my eyes were filling with tears. “I was terrified, I wanted a quiet affair with just family and a few friends–but I wanted to organise it.”
“Did I get it that wrong?” he sniffed.
“No, you did a very good job considering.”
“Considering what?”
“Considering I had no input to my own wedding.”
“I said sorry.”
“I know and I accepted your apology.”
“So what was that about a big wedding blessing–if you were scared of it? It makes no sense to me.”
“Three or perhaps four little girls want to do the bridesmaid thing with long dresses and bows in their hair.”
“Do I know the fourth? I didn’t just marry her did I?”
“No, Simon, there was a little girl I did some healing with who wanted to be a bridesmaid, I promised her she could be one of mine–assuming she still wants to of course.”
“You’d go through a formal rerun to please your kids, but you wouldn’t do it to please your husband? I don’t know how I feel about that?”
“Simon, before you go off on one, can I finish?”
“Alright–but I think I know where I stand already.”
“Before you prejudge me, please listen. Almost all young women want the whole shebang for a wedding. I say almost because I’m not one of them. Yes, I’d like to wear a lovely dress and make my vows with you, much as we did. But I assumed, with your family tradition, it was going to be an Elizabeth Daniel dress, and cast of thousands all gawping and filling their faces. I didn’t want to feature in Country Life or Brides IIlustrated, I’m a woman with a past and I didn’t want that aired, partly because it would embarrass us and the guests.”
“How would it embarrass us? I’ve known all along–pretty well–about your past, and love you despite it.”
“I know, darling, and I respect and love you for it. Maybe it’s my own embarrassment or perhaps I just don’t like a big fuss about things.”
“We could have dashed up to Gretna Green, or anywhere if that was how you felt?”
“I know, Simon, but then I’d have felt guilty for depriving your family of their tradition.”
“They are excited because you said you’d do a formal blessing ceremony up at Stanebury–but they weren’t expecting it.”
“The girls were.”
“Cathy, haven’t we got this all arse about face? Shouldn’t we be doing what we want for our wedding, not living up to the expectations of others?”
“Isn’t that what you tried to do?” I felt a fresh tear run down my face and into my ear as I lay cuddled into the back of him.
“I thought so, but I should have spoken to you–I should have talked to you–told you what I wanted to do–but it would have lost its surprise element. I wanted to give you a lovely surprise–that was all.”
“I realise that now–Oh, Simon, I wish we could start my birthday again, with the benefit of hindsight.”
“I’m afraid even your blue light stuff can’t make time reverse can it?”
“I don’t think it can do very much at all.”
“If there was any real miracle, it would have turned you into a genetic female and we’d be making babies right now.”
“I’d have settled for it making Trish a real girl, but it isn’t going to happen, so she’ll have to learn to cope with always being second best, like me.”
“Second best? When are you going to stop all this stuff? It’s you I love–I don’t care that you can’t have babies, everything else seems fine to me–that’s why I married you.”
I dissolved into tears–I really did feel like jumping off a cliff. I’d acted like a total fool. Because I don’t feel that I deserve things, I suppose I tend to avoid them. The whole idea of me–a pretend woman–marrying into a titled family in a big society wedding, would be like something in a very poor TG story. Almost like the Cinderella fable with a twist. Maybe it’s me who’s twisted.
I felt his arm around me. “I don’t deserve you,” I sobbed and trembled in his arms.
“Isn’t that for me to decide?”
I nodded and sniffed.
“Cathy, will you be my wife and the mother of our adopted children, and stop worrying about what others think?”
“Yes.” I felt him kiss my eyes. “Will you forgive me for being a silly woman?”
“Yes, of course I will.”
“Will you make love to me, my husband?”
“All night, if it’s what my wife wants.”
I hope I remember my meeting in the morning, and I’ve got to get the girls to school on time...
Comments
Clearing the air
It's lovely to see Cathy and Simon really communicating.
I'm still wondering if there's going to be a blue light miracle for Cathy (and Trish).
Hopefully, Cathy is getting past some of her insecuritiesbut will it last?
Producing Self-confidence
Bike Resources
Maybe she shouldn't be made whole?
Maybe she would forget to be grateful?
When I was very poor, I knew what it was like and did not look down on any one and would sometimes find money to give to them.
Now that I am a kept woman, I worry about losing sight of them. The other day a girlfriend and I had just left Macodonodonos and we saw a black man walking down the street doing his,"I'm cool" walk. We giggled at him and made some comments about him that betrayed my inner heart.
We hadn't gotten a whole block when I felt the dark, heavy burden of shame sweep over me. I looked at my friend and said, "I feel shame". She looked at me with wet eyes, "Me too". I don't ever want to lose sight of the downtrodden again.
So, maybe if Cathy is made whole, she'd lose sight of her roots; those she needs to support.
Gwen
Wholeness
For all the medical healing the blue light can do, I doubt it will ever make Cathy or Trish 100% female.
The bullet episode was unexpected, but everything else has been about repairing existing body tissue - not creating new tissue from scratch (and complex tissue at that - two ovaries + associated functionality, ovary and fallopian tubes).
There has been an episode of emotional healing of some description on Lady Hillary, but we're unaware of the extent of that.
Perhaps it could relieve surface anxieties, but leave deeper rooted feelings alone. Cathy needs to come to terms with her own identity on her own. Perhaps once she adopts the three girls, she can then start to deal with those feelings, and overcome her insecurity at being female. She's already overcome the hurdle of believing she's a bloke in drag, now she just needs to overcome this last hurdle.
After all, she's successfully dealt with the press "outing" her on several occasions, and if anyone attempts to use it as blackmail material she could remind them of the TV interview she gave a year or two ago where she outed herself to several million viewers.
--Ben
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Its nice to see Simon
Its nice to see Simon actually realizing he messed up big time by not involving Cathy in his surprize for her birthday. He is however, correct in one aspect how would it have been a surprize if he had brought her into it? Now they are actually married, the vows "renewal" will work really well for the girls +1 to get to be bridesmaids and Cathy to live up to her promise of being married in Simon's ancestorial home. Jan
Surprise!
Surprises are vastly overrated. :-(
These two need to start talking to each other. Cathy is like a scared deer, likely to jump at any sound. Simon is a typical clueless bloke, except with more money, and that takes his cluelessness to a whole 'nother level. :-)
It was especially interesting that he said the bit about pleasing themselves instead of others, because he is the one that said the formal wedding with all and sundry attending was mandatory, as I recall. Cathy wanted just a quiet ceremony with Margaret at the chapel or in the backyard.
They know they can survive
A Wonderful Chapter!
I was so glad to see Cathy and Simon finally really talk to each other and tell each other how they feel. I would not be surprised if the blue light does the job of giving Cathy and Trish the gift of genetic womanhood. Maybe Trish can use her blue light to heal Cathy and then have her return the favor. If it can extract a bullet, I think anything is possible.
Blue Light Special
Perhaps the best "healing" that blue light could give any of them is to begin to heal their broken hearts, Cathy and Simon both, deeply wounded in many ways, and all their children, orphans all, in one way or another.
Cheers,
Puddin'
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There are only three things that are
important in life: to be kind, to be
kind, and to be kind.
--- Guy de Maupassant
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Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
LOL
LOL. You are a putz Cathy. The man loves you enough to let you run all over him, but also loves you enough to step up to the plate and take charge when you are tossed amongst the sea of your own emotions. Just smile and say thank you.
Great chapter!
Huzzah Huzzah
Yes, it is high time that she just sits back and goes with it.
Gwen
Honest Communication...
I find that honest open communication goes a long way in resolving issues, whether personal or interpersonal. Simon seems to always support Cathy in an emotional sense(while as good as any man can). Cathy needs to learn to accept the acceptance she receives from Simon and his family and her friends. It can be very difficult given her past. Hopefully this episode sets a basis for Cathy to become more trustful of those around her who love her and respect her.
Loved this episode.
Hugs,
Trish-Ann
~There is no reality, only perception~
Hugs,
Trish Ann
~There is no reality, only perception~
Good For Them, Bonzi!
At times, a couple needs to give air to their grievances and let them go as they reconcile, because making up is a lot of fun!
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
All it took in the end
was a simple bit of communication....Let's hope that it is a lesson well learned, And not forgotten the next time they fall out.
Kirri
I completely understand...
where Cathy is coming from. She could have been me talking - as far as "deserving" our spouse or children. In my case, they ARE my kids, but still... I have trouble believing I could possibly be worth the pain they will have to suffer for me to be whole, and yet, they're all supporting me.
Some people deal with "surprises" better than others. My brother-in-law is one that does NOT do well with surprises... And, he doesn't put much importance on anniversaries or birthdays. He feels they're for him to enjoy himself (a bit selfish IMO - but I wasn't consulted). His kids planned a fancy surprise 25th anniversary party for their parents. In order to make sure he was actually THERE (& not off on a hunting trip, or deep into some "project") his mom clued him in on the plans - not in detail, but enough so he'd actually manage to be there. Mother-in-law isn't much better on the "surprise" front - though she dealt with my coming out amazingly well. So, I've seen how real dealing with surprises can be.
This set of episodes was quite real, for me. I enjoyed the joke about TG Literature as well - a nice lightening of the mood. :-)
Thank you very much!
Annette
A tender episode
And some much needed pillow talk. Liked this one a lot.
Like Brother Like Sister,
Simon repeats history, Stella got Charlie to come out as she has always wanted. Left to himself, he would have never got the omph to do what she wanted and so desperately needed.
Cathy wanted and needed to marry Simon, but left to her own devices it would have never happened. Now it has, and I suspect she is going to be much happier indeed.
Then there are the kids. They now have a security (or will have) they never enjoyed before. Lets face it, Cathy is not going to live forever, and Simon would make a fine daddy for a gaggle of daughters.
The scars are always with us
Being older than Cathy there have been many years when I all but forgot my past but as she appreciates it is part of the story of our lives. This on re-read made me want to cuddle them both and say "You are so lucky to have this love. Enjoy!"
Rhona McCloud
No rice thrown, it kills birds. What's thrown now ?
Ang, have a glass or two of a nice wine before you write. Cathy is starting to be an irritant and only us the readers knew she promised to have that little girl a bridesmaid.
Wasn't it always said she would be married by Marguerite, then a big formal castle wedding, with the Queen, Duke of York, and Richard Branson invited ? Couldn't you have the little girl for that one ? Think of the story she'd be able to tell !
Cefin