Wuthering Dormice (aka Bike) Part 892 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

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I drove away from the University Of Sussex, my alma mater, with a mixture of anger, sadness and guilt. If I’d left after my talk–I’d have done so in triumph. How ephemeral are our feelings–in some ways our whole existences–are but a moment in the scheme of things. Except, I don’t believe in any scheme that can’t be explained by physics and chemistry.

I was still smarting after Dilly’s hurtful comments–then I recalled the comment, Esmond Herbert had said, about her not being able to have children either. It didn’t excuse her unwarranted attack upon me and criticism of my having too many foster children–but it gave me a little more insight.

Had they tried and failed to adopt or were they too proud to try? Abi had been embarrassed by her partner, so had Esmond–however, the way he dealt with it, seemed to me, to be a regular occurrence. So was she a childish, selfish, git? Or should that be childish, childless, selfish git? I smirked maliciously as I drove out on the ring road back to the A27.

I’d topped up the tank before I got to Lizzie’s, although the cost of fuel was no cheaper than in Portsmouth and at over a pound a litre, it felt like robbery, most of it done by the government in fuel duty.

My mind couldn’t steer itself away from Dilly’s attack and I had to pull over at one point and bawl my head off–why would she say such a mean spirited thing to me? The obvious answer–because she’s mean spirited, didn’t occur to me. I was so offended or hurt because, it seemed most of humanity accepted me as female–except her.

On a good day, the odds of one in three billion women being hostile would be seen as pretty good–well two if we count Janice Raymond, but even so, still pretty good, considering the lottery is one in fifteen million, I think I’m doing okay.

That cheered me up enough to wipe my eyes and continue my drive homewards. It was after I got on the M27 that things began to go wrong–with the car. It’s practically brand new only done a few thousand miles suddenly it started to judder as if there was no fuel getting through, then the engine started cutting out and it began to really worry me.

I managed to coax it to the services area and after calling the AA, went to get myself a cup of tea while I waited. I was sitting on my own minding my own business when a man came and sat opposite me.

“D’you mind if I sit here?” he asked.

I looked around the practically empty restaurant in astonishment.

“Can’t you find an empty table?” I asked sarcastically.

“Actually, I can see you’ve been crying and wondered if I could help?”

I suddenly realised my makeup was probably a total mess. I knew I should have gone to the toilets before I got a drink, but all that crying made me thirsty.

“I doubt it, but thanks for asking.”

“If you want to talk, I’m happy to listen.”

“I think I’m alright, thank you.”

“I’m a vicar, by the way.”

“I’m an agnostic, so you’re wasting your time.”

“I’m not here to convert you, merely to help if you’d like me to.”

“I thought we’d discussed that bit already.”

“Please don’t be so hostile–I’m on your side you know?”

“I didn’t realise there were sides.”

“I mean whatever made you upset.”

“You couldn’t possibly understand.”

“Try me?”

I sat looking at him–he was mid thirties at a guess, married from the ring on his finger, no dog collar, fairly good looking in a gentle sort of way.

“If someone told you, you were less a man than them–how would you feel?”

“I don’t know–I’d need to know more about the context, but probably hurt or angry. Did someone suggest you were less a woman than they were?”

I nodded.

“They must have been positively dripping with oestrogen then, because you certainly look all woman to me.”

“I can’t have children.”

“I’m sorry, but it happens–would fertility treatment help?”

“No, I’ve no womb to have them in.”

“Oh–might I ask why?”

I sat and stared at him wondering how long the AA would be, the call centre had suggested an hour to ninety minutes. I’d been here less than fifteen.

“I’m transsexual–or I should say, I was, my legal status is female now.”

“Ah–I’d never have guessed.” He paused then added, “I presume this woman who denounced you was a biological one?”

“Yes–but it seems she can’t have kids either.”

“There’s an irony there somewhere,” he said, “so she’s effectively the same as you?”

“I suppose so–but it hurt all the same.”

“I’m sure it did. Why did she say it?”

“I’d done a lecture to a group which went down rather well, she was jealous I think and bit tipsy.”

“In vino veritas?” he asked.

“Probably, she’s also gay and some have problems with us, although she’s the first I’ve actually met who was hostile.”

“People are individuals, don’t generalise too much. My first bishop was gay and got caught cottaging–you know in a public loo with another man. Got done for indecency–his wife and family were horrified and divorced him, he had to resign–last heard of working in a bookshop in Hay on Wye. Lovely man, we were all devastated and I’d have quite happily stayed working with him. Alas the scandal was too great and he was allowed to resign–priests and bishops must be above reproach you know?”

“I think I read about that, very sad.”

“Indeed–in the end the church was the loser–he was brilliant at his job, his successor is okay, but nowhere near as good. People do strange things on the spur of the moment–and sometimes live to regret them.”

“I wonder if that will be the case with the woman who insulted me?”

“Well you know what they say, God moves in mysterious ways.”

“Only until science explains it,” I smiled back at him.

“You were lecturing–where–university?”

“Yes, although it wasn’t to undergrads–but I do that too–as a day job.”

“Not only beautiful but clever with it?”

“Oh yeah, too clever at times.”

“I think we are guilty of the sin of pride at times.”

“Sorry, don’t do sins–Darwin didn’t include them in his theories.”

“That’s okay, however, I do accept evolution as a likely way of human and other species development. God uses natural processes, you know?”

“If you say so–although I can find more evidence for evolution than I can for God.”

“It’s there if you look.”

“I must have missed it.”

“Have you never been in awe of the beauty of nature, a starry sky or a rainbow–the beauty of a landscape or a sunset–the way that animals have evolved from amoebae to elephants–doesn’t it fill you with a reverence or a wonder?”

“Yes, but...”something was happening. “When did you hurt your back?” I asked him.

“Oh that? Years ago–they tried a laminectomy–it didn’t work–goodness, my back feels as if it’s on fire.”

“It isn’t–but it will feel better.”

“How do you know?”

“Trust me I’m an angel,” I winked at him.

“Good Lord, I think you might be.”

“Close your eyes and imagine a blue light working on your lumbar 4-5 joint?”

“The one they operated on.”

“Give it five minutes of blue light, then try standing up. Do nothing but visualise the blue light or it won’t work. Oh and tell no one of this meeting.”

“Okay,” he said his eyes tightly closed.

I slipped away as he sat there–this bloody healing business is going to get me into serious bother one of these days.

After a quick wee, I got back to the car–he was still sitting at the table. My car started first time and after I rang the AA to say it was going again, I drove straight home without any let or hindrance whatsoever. Hmmm?