Jem…Chapter 44

Chapter 44

I like this as sort of tired as I am I really like this. Rayne’s kissing me and I’m kissing her and she’s on top straddling me. I mean it’s damn sexy as anything but it’s sort of not guy and girl sexual. She’s straddling my waist and her bottom is sort of resting on the top part of my pubic bone and she’s almost got that seal that girl get like that…the way she just sort of dovetailed to me.

Her hands are running over me and touching me…I like that, I like the intimacy of being touched and I go with it.

Honestly it can be very erotic and powerful just being touched. Her fingertips and the pads of her fingers make me shiver…pant between kisses in a good way as I’m lost in the sensations, the smells…soap, baby powder, those things.

We really get into it, we get very hot and heavy into the touches and the kissing and I’m seaming up and she’s steaming up and I bite my lip as she starts to pull up my shirt.

Goddamn it this is hard…yes…too but I’m not trying to be funny.

It takes everything that I have to reach up and stop her incoming kiss or maybe her mouth on my breast…I put a quieting finger over her lips.

“Rayne…please…stop…”

“What?….why…?”

“I thought we were going to take things slowly…”

“We are we have been…I just thought Ange after everything tonight that we’d…that you’d be in the mood.”

“I am, god Rayne I want to be with you so bad it hurts.”

“But you don’t want to…?”

“I…I…” God I’m so going to regret this. I take her hand and move it to my crotch so she can’t help but to feel the bulge there.

And there is this…Oh fuck look on her face…

“Angel….”

I let go of her had and she’s not moving it away but she’s staring at me. I close my eyes and there’s tears that leak out…there’s a mixture of love and confusion and desire and yeah…there’s shame there too.

She leans down and kisses me and I open my eyes and she reaches up and uses her fingers to wipe away my tears.

(Sniffle.) “Sorry, I’m quite the girl huh.”

“You’re Amazing actually and I’m lucky to have you.”

“Still even after…?”

“Angel, honestly I’m freaked out but at the same time I’m freaked out.”

“Huh? I…I’m not following.”

“I’m a lesbian…I’ve had a thing for girls since I was about eleven…but here you come along and you are the sweetest, most amazing woman that I’ve ever met in my life and you’re not a genetic girl.”

“Is this about me transitioning?”

“No, if that’s something you need to do to be who really are then I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be thrilled about it but it’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about what I’m falling in love with.”

“Falling in love with?”

“You…under the clothes and the make up and even under the skin.”

“But I’m not a girl and you’re not into guys.”

“No I’m not into guys, but you’re not a guy in my head.”

“Ouch.”

“No, I’m not meaning that in a less than way, but a more than way….you’re more than a guy.”

“Okay…” I’m blushing but it really feels good to hear.

“You’re Angel more than Jason but Angels can be more than normal, like you’re more than just a guy you’re a guy that is the best thing that’s happened to me, to us and I want to be with you…I want to be with you despite the biology stuff.”

“You do?”

“Yes…I…I’ve been with girls…not many, mostly Summer but we’ve used toy’s…I just have to get over the flesh and blood stuff…I want to…and I think we can.”

“We can?”

“Yeah…the worst thing about guys and the thoughts of being with one…is their guys…they move like guys, act like guys in bed and stuff and the thought of that really hits me in my squick places.”

“And me?”

“That time we were together Angel I keep replaying that in my head, the way you moved, the sounds you made…”

“I was trying…Rayne you’re my first and I…I never thought that I’d never be with anyone…I was just trying to do things for you the way that I should.”

“So was that you acting?”

“No…just trying to put myself in the place of really being someone that’d be your lover.”

“So you were doing things that I’d like?”

“Yeah…but I had no idea what to do.”

“You did pretty well.”

“I have watched porn before; I did have some ideas….but…”

“But?”

“It was so different, so much better than I thought and the way we made love…the things that you did…It took the pressure off…”

“Well I could tell when that happened.”

“No silly, it’s that there’s this pressure to be all studly and powerful and all grr in bed as a guy and I was scared of not being able to be like that…my stuff doesn’t work as good as the other guys and I’m not buff and muscled and able to pick a girl up and screw them against a wall…”

“I wouldn’t want that, eeew fuck that’s exactly the last thing I’d want.”

“I know but we still made love and we were all emotional and on that edge but there was just you letting me…letting me know it’s okay if I’m not the one doing the touching, being the strong one that it was okay being me…that you just wanted to be with me and I didn’t have to man up…”

Rayne kisses me again and she’s got her eyes bright with tears and I’m crying too. But we’re still kissing…and wiping away each other’s tears. She breaks the kiss and she smiles for me…I hurt in my heart in a good way with that. It’s so different than someone smiling at you. It becomes so much more when the smile is for you.

“That’s what it’s supposed to be about…that’s why sometimes two girls fit so well, acceptance, softness, having it be all about the intimacy….the sex is great too but it’s not about the sex…the sex…it takes place up here Angel…”

She strokes my temple with a finger.

I slip my arms around her and just kind of soak in her, I…there’s so much more to this than sexuality and gender stuff. How can you really stuff something like just this having the person you’re falling for in your arms, having then this close and ontop…how can this even fit in a box?

Why would we want to?

We do shift around some more and kiss some more but we touch each other some more too. Fingers stroking over faces, sliding along jaw lines, over cheekbones, lips…have you ever just run the tip of your pinky finger over that special someone’s eyebrow…?

I am, she is…have you tasted each others skin, smelled it just because it’s their skin…have you ever gotten shivery when someone barely glides fingers over the curve of your shoulder…touch your ribs like that…

Taking so much time to go through a kiss that it takes a few minutes…not kissing for minutes but getting that close…and full eye contact…just looking in those eyes for that do they love me and am I special and do they want this. It’s seeing that yes and the whisper of your lips on theirs and then theirs on yours as you’re actually building the energy up between the two of you…and it becomes something else…something so deep then…then you touch lips and start kissing.

More and more, over and over.

I’m not even sure how to describe who I am like sexually but there is this point where I’m touching Rayne’s breasts and using my hands and my fingers on them like we have been all night but Rayne’s hands are sliding over the thin cloth of the yoga pants I had tossed on after my shower but she’s using her finger tips and running them up and down the soft and almost never touched undersides of my thighs.

It’s slow and it’s this tracing shivery little touches and these long soft strokes of her fingers and these little actions…like slipping her hand under my knee and lifting and adjusting my leg to touch more or differently but there’s this part of my brain that hovered around her lifting and moving my leg in a more overtly sexual way…and I sort of go there in the swirl of sensations and fantasy…I’m aroused but it’s not about that as much as it’s about that because she is too and part of me honestly likes not being in charge or being the strong one. I like the way that she’s loving me and taking care of me.

And I’m so on the edge of exploding and making a mess that I’m gasping and I’m sort of sex whining a little…I nuzzle her nipples…sitting sort of up and slowly taking in her scent but tracing the shape through her shirt with the tip of my nose…slow circles…use my cheek and close my eyes and smile and even let a tear fall or two at just that feeling…not that it’s the nipple and her breast but that it is that but more than that it’s because she’s so beautiful.

“Oh Angel…please…oh…dammit…no one’s ever done this…no one’s ever seen me like this…”

“I can’t help but see you like this…god help me Rayne you shine right through your skin.”

I find a nipple and slide my lips over it before parting them and kissing her there…slowly…and she arches her back and presses into me and shivers this deep, muscle deep shiver. “Angel….ff..fuck…Angel…”

I’m doing the same thing too…as I was doing that and Rayne was getting closer and closer she slide her hands and fingertips up the crotch of my yoga pants and made me whine and down again and up again and then under the pants and sort of curling his fingertips she dragged then down over my hard little bulge in my panties and I cried out as I came…

We both did without taking off our clothes.

Then you lose yourselves in it and it’s like you’re in a whole other state of being like you’re in another dimension. A dimension of two….oh that’s good I’ll have to keep that as a song title.

We’re nuzzling and sharing kisses when there’s this gurgling sound…and the scent of the coffee starts to waft in from the kitchen and we even both sort of sniff the air at the same time.

Rayne has the cutest look on her face. “We..”

“We’ve been up all night.”

“Yeah…talking and making out and…”

“Yeah…” I’m blushing again at the end results of that…and…part.

We kiss again. I look at her and smile. “Uhm the girls’ll be up soon maybe we should take advantage of us being up and getting the first showers?”

“Good idea.”

Rayne gets up off of me and she reaches down and she pulls me up to my feet and we kiss again before parting ways to have our showers and I’m pretty happy but also just…I don’t know this is a funny headspace to be at. See I’d been sort of thinking that Jason was kind of getting to be this not so great side of me but that Rayne see’s me the way that she see’s me as more than just a guy…it changes things.

I’m not sure how but it changes sort of how I feel about myself really that instead of me not measuring up and stuff that I’m different in a more than way even if it’s different.

Which leads me to think a bit about people that might be living the same way as me but without the whole in hiding because of Adam thing. I know there’s trans people and crossdressers and stuff but what am I?

I’m Angel but am I trans? Is a guy that finds that living as a girl even without hormones and surgery is what fits for him it?

I’m happy, I mean the end result of tonight was very amazing but more than that it was up with my lover and my best friend talking as well as making out all night. This was that stuff that’s always in my head that relationships are.

It was a really great night and that’s actually as good if not better than the whole happy ending that we both had.

But that we both went there…like that with our clothes on. I’m kind of in this really happy place because it was erotic but it was seriously romantic too.

I even take my time in the shower since I’m up way early and get myself all cleaned up and off to my room to get ready for the day. I guess I could sleep but I have plans to do stuff at least today and actually might get some of them done sooner with Rayne taking the day off.

I slip lotion and powder and all of that stuff and I’m making myself look pretty and you know that’s more okay now and less strange for me this morning than before because I’m more than just a guy…I’m sort of allowed to be Angel I guess is what it feels like.

That this might just be more than a disguise really and something more than all of that. It’s sort of a good feeling kind of like I’m getting more comfortable in my own skin.

Nice underwear and a pair of those worn and comfy jeans that are from the stuff that was mom’s and I go for a short sleeved rose colored cotton button up top and leave a few buttons undone near the top so they will show of my breasts as it were and I put on just a touch of make-up just to sort of push the difference and leave my hair down and loose but reasonably styled and I head downstairs to see Rayne in the kitchen in bare feet and thigh length cut off and hemmed army fatigues and a muscle shirt or tank top whatever you want to call it under my Hamilton Steelheads jersey.

“I love it that you’re wearing that.”

“I know I saw the look in your eyes the last time I wore it. I like wearing your things like this.”

She’s got her glasses on and she really still looks amazing and sexy and at the same time.

“It’s pretty bad that you were down here before me.”

“Angel, I love you honey but you’re a bit of a princess.”

“Are you calling me high maintenance?”

“A little but you do all your own work. You’re actually the most girly-girly type of person I’ve ever been with.”

“So Summer wasn’t girly?”

“Sort of when it suited her to be but she really tended to be the cougar or wildcat type.”

“Oh so rocker skank.”

She bursts out laughing. “Yeah exactly, like the lesbian lovechild of Courtney Love and Axle Rose.”

I burst out laughing too and take the coffee she gives me. “We shouldn’t be talking smack about her like this.”

“Hey, I’m allowed she’s my ex and she did me wrong.”

I look at her and she looks at me and we’re both laughing until she grabs a wooden spoon and start to us it as a microphone.

“At first I was afraid I was petrified”
“Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side;”
“But then I spent so many nights”
“Thinkin' how you did me wrong”
“And I grew strong and I learned how to get along”

“And now you're back from outer space”
“I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face”
“I should have changed that stupid lock”
“I should have made you leave your key”
“If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me”

“Go on now, go walk out the door”
“Just turn around now”
“('cause) you're not welcome anymore”

“Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye”
“Do you think I'd crumble”
“Did you think I'd lay down and die?”
“Oh no, not I. I will survive…”

She sort of stops when the kitchen door is open and Brooklyn is looking at us with that I haven’t had my coffee yet look and I start pouring her a big cup of coffee while biting my lip to keep from laughing as she stares at Rayne.

“Oh my God what fresh slice of hell is this?”

Kimmie’s there killing the last dregs of a Red Bull. “Hey it could be worse.”

“How….”

I’m the one who can’t resist herself this time and I take an inhale and sing….

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;”
Then Rayne chimes in with…

“Brown paper packages… tied up with strings;”
“These are a few of my favorite things.”

Then I’m singing out…

“Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;”
“Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;”
“Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;”
“These are a few of my favorite things.”

“Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;”
“Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;”
“Silver-white winters that melt into springs;”
“These are a few of my favorite things.”

Then it’s both Rayne and I singing together arms outstretched loudly…

“When the dog bites,”
“When the bee stings,”
“When I'm feeling sad,”
“I simply remember my favorite things,”
“And then I don't feel so bad……”

We’re doing this really bad rendition of that and Kim is spinning in circles like Julie Andrews does in the movie and Brooklyn is just staring at us and then she points at me and Rayne.
“You…you two were up all frigging night weren’t you…and you had sex…”
I’m blushing and actually so is Rayne and we might be a little punchy so we’re both giggling. Rayne actually giggles a bit and asks. “So…maybe we’re together so we’re allowed to right?”
“Yeah you’re allowed to but wow you two are a little wired right now and way to happy-happy-joy-joy for me this morning.”
I hold my hands up. “Okay, okay I just couldn’t resist.”
“Yeah you’re seriously musically weird you know all that musical stuff?” she takes a long drink of her coffee and I’m tossing the first of the french toast on.
“I’ve studied it. I mean some of the best songwriting I’ve ever heard come from stuff from musicals and stuff. Beside’s what’s wrong with musicals?”
“Uhm they’re lame.”
“No not really there are some that just seem to go way too theatre about it all and seem all gay and over the top but there are some that aren’t some are very much pop culture,”
“Like?”

“Almost every Disney movie ever made, Rock and Rule, Across the Universe, Rent, Chicago.”

“Okay not all of those were lame, I liked Rock and Rule.”

“See…?”

“Okay…yeesh, Hey Rayne you not working today?”

“Nope I’m taking a day off with having had worked and played on both Tuesday and Wednesday nights.”

I smile. “Besides we’re actually doing good cash wise.”

The girls look at me. Kimmie asks. “We are?”

“Yeah, I mean we’re not rolling in it but we made some decent money and actually….”

“Actually what?” Rayne asks looking at me since she did the numbers last night.

I go over to my purse. “Well with the sales from our shirts and not counting the tips or what we got paid…” I take out the check from the brittle recipe. “And this…we’ve got the rent paid this month already. So that means the pays from the gigs, the stuff from tips and Paypal and Rayne’s job are all extra money.”

There’s a collective squeal from the girls and I’m getting hugged and then there’s bouncing and dancing and Kimmie’s all grins and Brooklyn’s crying a bit I tear off paper towel and pass it to her.

“You okay?”

“Y..yeah…no…I’ve got…I’m not broke…I mean I’ve never really had that much cash since getting out of the house and…home…”

“They took whatever you did get.”

“Yeah…but…I…I’ve nearly got two hundred dollars of my own money…I’ve never had this kind of money before in my life.”

I hug her. “Uh-huh and we still have The rest of the month’s regular gigs and tips plus we’re playing The Amsterdam pub this Saturday night and I’m going to call Lucky’s and see if he want’s us back and get the strictly our songs on I-tunes but as tracks and videos.”

She’s wiping away more tears. “Oh god…oh wow…Oh god…”

Kimmie actually stops being the living energy buzz and gets this look on her face. “Holy fuck…we’re…we’re actually doing this aren’t we? Like actually making money as a band.”

I pull her into a hug with my other arm. “Yeah, we are….it’s just a start but yeah we are.”

I’m getting hugged back big time and then the girls get ready for school and stuff. And there’s more hugs when I give them their lunches and a water bottle of juice and a bottle of water.

Kimmie hugs me really hard before they leave. “Thanks Angel…I know how stuff sorta started but…thanks…thanks for saving us.”

I hug her back. “We’re friends, best friends and a band Kim…I think we’re saving each other.”

I’m wiping my own tears away as they leave and Rayne comes out with a blanket and fresh coffees and a loaf of the fresh bread right out of the oven and we sit and not even cut the bread but tear it open and blow on our fingers as we smear real butter on it and even feed each other. I like tea just fine but there’s nothing like fresh bread and butter and coffee.

And we sit cuddled together in the blanket doing all of this and watching part of the morning go by and I’m leaning against her back and hugging her loosely. “We’re really starting this for real aren’t we Angel?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s just starting, but yeah.”

“God this is nice Angel…getting out from under, doing what I want more than what I have to…even us…I mean I know all of it, us…it’s not going to be easy or simple…but I want what we have…I want it more than anything.”

I rest my chin on Rayne’s shoulder and rest my head against hers. “Me too…Rayne?”

She takes my hands in hers and pulls them to her lips and kisses them.

I can’t help it, that melts me a little inside.

Sigh.