Jem...Chapter 163

*Before…

And we’re packing up when I see Dad with the bottle for old me and it’s full of cash and lots and lots of coins.
Which has me have a sort of lump in my throat because I never figured that would happen even if I think people know through Dad that I’m Jason’s cousin.
He looks at me and he’s smiling too but he’s definitely giving it another look at it in his hand as he gets into the car.
Yeah…I know he loves me, I know he loves me as me but there’s something that’s really a heavy reminder of me and my old life.
I go over to his car. “Talk?”
He says “Sure.”
“McDonalds?”
“Actually Yeah, I think that would be good for a change.”
I look at the girls. “We’re going to go to McDonalds before going home.”
They’re nodding and Kimmie is chanting. “Quarter pounder!, Quarter Pounder!”
And I smile and Rayne takes the stuff from my arms and she looks at me. “I saw that hon, you okay?”
“Yeah I think so, I just think that this hit Dad in the might have beens maybe and we should talk it out like we used to.”
She nods but she tilts my chin up and she kisses me and then she pulls me into her arms for a strong and snuggle supportive hug.
And…and I just, just take breaths of her and soak in that strength she’s lending me.

*And now…
I take a breath then let Rayne open the door for me and we’re then heading out and she turns the heater on warm because I’m sort of hugging myself. You ever feel like that? When things get scary and stuff you kinda get a chill. I don’t know if it’s just the hormones kicking in more or it’s just me noticing things a lot more.

I give her a smile and she gives me one back as we drive and we pull in behind dad and the others and we sort of end up coming in all together like a small army. I sort of feel for the kids behind the counters as they see us coming and Dad is actually smiling at me as we’re coming in together and that’s actually pretty encouraging.

I want to hug him or lean on him and there’s still the stuff that’s things that we can’t do all the time and it’s kind of a sad thing for me. I mean it’s still a new thing for me at the same time because while we were close we were still father and son most of our lives and it’s stuff that most fathers and sons just don’t do.

And I kind of really want these things now.

As Dad’s daughter it seems like it’s pretty important to me.

Then we’re ordering and it’s a lot of food and it’s kind of neat too as I know what dad likes usually and the rest are new to me for like the McDonalds food and stuff. I mean it says stuff about you really in what you like to order.

Rayne orders herself fries and after her lip biting look at what might be too many calories and stuff I hold her hand and she gets herself two double cheeseburgers with extra pickles and a water and I look at her. “Extra pickles?”

“I like pickles.”

“Really we don’t have them in the house?”

She shrugs. “No one else liked them before.”

“I like them.”

“What kind?”

“Dills, sweets, I like the mixed ones too but I’m not too big on the ones that are the flat slices.”

She nods. “Too floppy and soft a pickle’s gotta crunch. And I don’t really like beets or the others and hate, hate, hate mustard pickles.”

I blink, “I love mustard pickles but Dad’s not the boughten ones….eeew.”

I order double fries both large and a quarter pounder with cheese and get a small coke and a large strawberry shake and Dad gets his two big macs and fries and a chocolate shake.

Kimmie goes for two quarter pounders and fries and a coke and Brooklyn gets a crunchy chicken sandwich and fries and a water but she gets two packs or dipper thingys of sweet and sour sauce that goes with the chicken nuggets.

Mike gets double fries and a pair of big mac’s a twenty of chicken nuggets and a large water and a small vanilla shake. I see him order from the McCafe too and I’m like...why have I never thought of that? Seriously I don’t mind their coffee and the baked stuff they have isn’t bad either. I just never ordered the two different sort of things at the same place.

Judging from the looks on the faces of the others it’s something that they’ve never thought of either.

And yeah I think it’s a lot of food too. But Mike’s a guy and he’s like a big hard working in shape teen guy so while I’m like not shy on eating and stuff and think girls starving themselves is like super dumb really it’s a lot of food considering we had food at Ace’s too.

I guess despite things I kinda eat in the sorta girl way? I never really did though.pack it away like the guys did at school as Jason.

Molly actually is another one I watch and it’s because she’s a bigger girl but she’s got food issues like Rayne does and I see Carmen holding her hand together too and they’re doing the heads together ordering thing and end up getting two salads but fries with it and a box of chicken nuggets and two waters.

Yeah we drink a lot of water. Seriously like in the pop generations and coffee and energy drinks you have to find some balance.

Davey and Billy are the big mac kinda guys and get like two and the meal deal and then we’re all heading to get our pops and ketchup and stuff. I ask for a big mac box while my stuff is getting ready and I take it and go and get a whole lot of ketchup.

Yep I put the ketchup in the open container for the big mac. See McDonalds ketchup is like actually made different than others. It’s made thicker than Heinz and there’s more sugar. So while I’m really not a huge fan of ketchup I’m a fan of this stuff...in moderation. I’d hate to overdo it with it and end up with it being never as good again.

We all pay with our own money and Dad and I head to a corner and share a table together and there’s a few minutes where we’re dumping out fries and setting out our napkins and then we’re eating and co-dipping fries and looking at each other.

I take a drink and look at Dad. “I saw the jug.”

He nods. “It was pretty surprising, in a good way though.”

I nod. “I was surprised too. I never thought anyone liked Jason.”

Dad shrugs and smiles. “It’s odd really because Jason’s getting all these props from the folks that Adam and his crew bullied and because he got away from Adam without getting pounded to a pulp as an example.”

“Well he kinda did, it was really bad when I...when Jase got rescued.”

Dad’s looking at me.

I’m looking at him, yeah I’m not referring to Jase as me.

“Are you sure about all of this Angel?”

“I am and there’s not really a lot of choice.”

Dad looks at me.

I take a bite of my quarter pounder. “You remember the big fight that Rayne and I had? I had to go to the hospital for Uncle Bobby right?”

He nods. “You had to have a physical and a check up with things and some tests. You’re okay right?” He looks a lot worried.

I swallow my mouthful then smile. “I’m okay as far as everything goes but they found out that I have PAIS. So…”

“So you don’t process the guy stuff right, you told me.”

I blink. “I did?”

“When you were telling me about the whole thing with the fight.”

Oh… “Oh sorry, but if you know...then why are you asking if I’m sure about this?”

Dad sighs. “I suppose the bottle got me thinking. I mean I know it’s not the same thing as well someone like Mike but there is the fact that this was your life before all of this. I just want you to be really, really sure because you’re heading into a whole kinda thing where you don’t really come back from that easy from...especially if you’re going all the way through with things.”

He looks at me taking out his second big mac. “I’m just scared for you kiddo. This is big stuff.”

I nod. “I know Dad it’s the rest of my life and it’s been crazy like I’ve been catching up with everything I’ve missed but at like being in fast forward.”

I dip some fries and eat them and look at him before going for more. “Before this I was doing everything as best I could Dad but y’know it’s so different now. I’m doing all these things and I’m actually doing things that I love already. But it’s not just that, it’s like I fit myself better.”

He nods eating still, he’s such a guy so I like continue. “Y’know with me being sick and gone and having this PAIS thing without knowing that I have it well it’s like my life’s my first car and that car’s kind of a beater. Now with all of the stuff going on with me it’s like little by little getting fixed up and repaired and it’s good, it’s different in that way when I stop and take a breath I notice the ride’s better.”

He finishes off his big mac and nods wiping off his mouth. “Okay that I get, actually I can see what you’re talking about Angel. I mean I have watched both of you and you’re a happier kid.”

I was going to say something but he holds up his finger. “I’m not disappointed kiddo. The jug just had me thinking and it’s mostly about how far you’ve come but really, really how much farther you gotta go Angel. I mean even settling stuff with Adam you’re going to have a really big fight with things ahead of you...and likely most of your life.”

“I know Daddy, seriously it’s not going to be easy but it’s really a lot better than the alternatives. And this for like better or worse it’s me.”

I look at him. “You sure you’re good with all of this?”

He nods and he smiles. “Definitely Angel.” He offers me his pinky finger and I hook mine in with his and we shake.

I look in his eyes and it’s all there. The love and more than just that too I think that it’s there that gets it, that gets me.

And that’s really important to me.

There’s a part of me that lets out this whole internal sigh that was kinda like i was holding a breath and I feel better.

I finish eating powering through my fries before they get cold. I mean I like fries and all but McDonald’s fries are so thin and so barely cooked they’re really good when you first get them. You let them get a little cold and they’re really gross. I only ever eat them in the store or maybe in the car but always first.

Dad of course helps me with the fries as I’m eating the rest of my quarter pounder which is why I got my two orders in the first place. I thought Rayne would be the one nomming of them but Dad’s filling that role while Rayne’s sitting with the girls and there’s a notepad out and they’re talking and stuff and with free Wifi at McDonalds Molly’s doing stuff from our gig i think and she’s putting it up and I can heard *I wanna be a Sailor Scout* By Starlight Butterfly playing away and that’s getting some younger attention from some kids there and some pre-teens and others there heading over and checking it out which sort of has Molly blushing from the sudden crowd of kids there and then Carmen’s sort of pointing out all of us from the band and from the video and there’s some cheers and squeals when they get it and I go over and talk with them too offering some of my fries.

There’s a bunch of talk about bands and stuff that’s local and even some really good questions that are about music and making videos and stuff and I answer some of them as best i can but I turn a lot of it over to Mike and Molly. “Seriously I sing, play and write but when it comes to the videos and the mixing these too are seriously good.”

We’re doing that and the manager comes out to see what’s going on and she looks surprised and then she leaves and comes back and she’s talking on a cell phone and she looks at me.

“I’m on the phone with the owner and we’re really excited with the press and the attention you girls are getting. And we were wondering if you’d maybe play here just a little something maybe.”

I look at her. “Isn’t this a thing that corporate might want to have a word in on?”

She talks into her phone then passes it to me.

I take it. “Hello? This is Jem of Starlight Butterfly.”

“Good, I’m Don Turner and I get your concern but there’s a bit of stuff we have latitude with when it comes to local ads and promotions. I will pay you out of pocket to just play a little there just something ad lib and on your site which I hear is getting a lot of attention from my manager.”

“We’d actually be glad to Mr. Turner as long as we don’t fall afoul of McDonald's corporate.”

“I can guarantee that, actually I can do better if you’re game?”

“Better?”

“You’re supporting that shelter in town right Chapel Street? Well I can gift gift cards from my franchise to them. I’m sure that head office will be okay with that.”

“Let me ask my bandmates and crew.”

He sounds surprised. “Crew?”

“Audio, Video, Networks and security.”

“Seriously you have security?”

“We’re an all girl band Mr. Turner there’s a lot of people that get upset at that plus with us being an open LGBTQAI plus band.”

He doesn’t falter a bit. “Good idea and zero problem. McDonald’s is supportive of the LGBT community.”

“Great please hold on a second?”

I go and talk to the girls and honestly we should be tired but this is a quick gig and then there’s some of this that might lead past local into maybe something bigger and maybe commercial in the future and playing ball with the chamber of commerce here will be more than just working the Indie stores it’s helping out with everyone.

The girls agree and I actually announce it to the kids here who cheer and Kimmie’s telling them to Tweet it and stuff out on messenger and I talk back into the phone.

“We’re in, It’s going to be really impromptu and everything but if you can get here we’ll be starting in about forty minutes.”

“I’ll be there, definitely be there.”

I pass the cell phone back to the manager and I ask the kids if they want to help us out and there’s a lot of yes’s and I get Dad to get some of the shirts we have left and he makes a call to Josie since we’re out. And she says she’ll be right over since she was doing things at her shop apparently for other print runs of things and then Mike’s taking over the TV room space for us.

Here a lot of McDonalds have a sort of bigger media room with a flat screen TV and it’s sort of a business spot where you can read the paper, watch the news and do stuff. I can imagine lots of parents here too using the TV as a moment of peace distraction.

We get the camera’s hooked up, then Mike did something to patch us to the big screen which has kids in the camera making faces and then the instruments are out and Carmen’s doing our make-up pretty fast and then we’re getting ready to play as the shirts get here and Josie and I see a man that can only be Mr. Turner the franchise owner given the way the shift manager’s acting and he first heads to Dad then he does a look towards me when dad points me out to him.

“Miss Benton?”

“Yes sir?”

He blinks and we shake hands politely. “You must be Mr. Turner, I recognize your voice sir.”

Sir, always sir.

You can argue people having earned it all you want but it’s just good manners and it’s good sense.

His reaction is good too. It’s that slowly and pleasantly pleased with getting respect especially for a young person.

“You’re the band’s manager too?”

“Singer, songwriter, player, manager and agent.” I smile at him as charming as I can. “A band is a business so I have to juggle a bunch of hats as you know sir.”

He looks at me and he nods and then at the set up and the people. “Thanks for doing this at such short notice.”

“Well at this point it’s for a good cause.”

He nods. “More than happy to do this for the shelter actually.”

I look at him. “They need it, there’s a lot of things that they need including a little normalcy.”

He looks at me. “Normalcy?”

I start tuning my guitar. “Most people end up at places like Chapel Street they have nothing either they lost it or left it or had it taken away and that’s not counting the kids caught up in the bad situations. McDonald’s is one of those normal things that a lot of us just take for granted it’s the extra thing we all had y’know like a coffee or getting a pizza slice. All that stops way too much for folks literally trying to survive.”

I gesture at the TV room. “This...free TV and free Wifi is just like a bit of whatever to me. It’s great for people to take a work lunch at but for the shelter mom with two kids it’s them having a treat while she has a coffee and she gets a break with something a little bit nice while she catches up online or looks for a job because she can e-mail her resumes out or even look for work….Mr. Turner Starlight Butterfly’s just playing a few tunes for a helping hand you’re really helping those women.”

Okay, yeah I might have been stretching probabilities of what goes on with some of these women using his cards but not by much. A little normalness and self respect goes a long way with women in these situations.

But for Mr. Turner it’s what he needs to hear. People want to know when they’re doing the right thing that they’re doing the right thing, they want the social value cookie. And there’s nothing wrong with that either. I see folks online complain about if people were really altruistic they wouldn’t do things or say things for social value cookies.

People are people, when they do good tell them instead of tearing folks down for wanting to be praised a little.

Because that tearing down leads to the why bothers.

And the why bothers leads to all about me...which eventually makes Adams and the like.

So he’s standing a little taller now and he feels better about doing this which can lead to hopefully other things and I grin at him and step up to where we’re playing through the kids and Kimmie’s starting us off with just one drum and a cymbal and Carmen’s helping with the tambourine and we start into *Don’t Wanna* By Starlight Butterfly and then. *Magical Power Panties* By Starlight Butterfly. I look at Mr. Turner who’s blushing beet red at the song and the screaming girls and I don’t think he has actually heard our music so I shift and we do a cover to finish.

It’s one of my absolute faves and it’s a really good girl sort of anthem song really. *Who You Are* By Jesse J.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!

Brushing my hair—do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah!
The more I try the less it's working, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no, egos, fake shows, like whoa!
Just go and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile that's my home!
That's my home, no...

No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah

It’s like the first time I’ve ever ended out hitting the balladly power notes in a McDonalds but I give it everything I have as I get really into it and the kids are there freaking out and the place is full of a whole lot more folks that came in as we were playing and there’s lots of cameras held up and flashing and I do a stage bow as we finish.

“We weren’t planning on a show but y’know Mr. Turner here’s pretty persuasive here with him offering some donation cards for the folks over at Chapel Street shelter. I mean with him doing something so cool it’s like really hard to say no.”

I look at him and he’s blushing hard and he says though. “It’s our community, uhm...we all have to give back sometimes especially locally.”

Then he stammers out. “There’s kids, they deserve happy meals...they deserve to smile once in awhile.”

He’s all man red faced and bad guy styled crying and I think I broke him a little with this but people are cheering him and us there’s a lot of folks coming to talk to him and us and I see a lot of cash being passed his way and others are thanking us as we’re tearing down and I am making sure to use names I remember when I see faces I know as I’m passing out some of the band shirts that Josie brought over in a hurry and signing them with the rest of the girls.

And at some point Billy got a bunch of soft ice creams for the teens and parents of the kids who stayed a lot longer then they likely planned and Dad got trays of coffee too and that definitely helped along with a few tee shirts.

We’re just about done when Mr. Turner stops me. “Between what I could donate and what people donated I have five hundred and forty dollars in gift cards Ms. Benton.”

I kiss his cheek, he smells like burgers and fry grease and cologne. “That’s cool, but how about you tell all of them instead of me, thank them too because everyone loves being part of stuff like this...especially the parents of the kids that asked us to hang out, they all gave up like two hours of something for this.”

He looks at me. “Are...how old are you?”

“Just a teenager sir….but this is what I do.”

He nods and swallows then he steps up to the group still here and says. “You know kids are pretty cool, from the girls here that played here. From the kids on staff to the kids that actually convinced Starlight Butterfly to play and the parents here that stayed here and just let all of this get off the ground. I’ve never done something like this and honestly I didn’t have a clue that this would be anything other than a bit of good PR but between what I could donate from the store and what all of you donated we...we made five hundred and forty dollars in gift cards for the Chapel Street Shelter!”

There’s a lot of applause and even screams from the really jazzed up youngest kids and a bunch of talking and he’s holding up the cards and we all get cheered again and thanked as we head outside and get to our vehicles and waved at as we leave.

Utterly unplanned...a whole bunch of work and more work.

Ace’s went off great.

Dad and I had a good heart to heart.

Then this, which was as cool as it was work.

There’s also hitting me with this really great feeling as it’s dark and Rayne’s driving and we’re just sort of cruising home with our partially done stage faces on and I see my face in the dark glass reflection and can’t help but to smile at myself.