*Before…

We pile in our vehicles and we all take off and while talking on our phones and stuff as we’re driving we decide to all head to McDonalds for breakfast as the sun dawn is coming and we actually drive back to Trudeau Park and we get out with our food and coffees and all of us just sit on the hoods and stuff together while we watch the sun come up and the mist rising off the lake.

Yeah we’ll be tired and crash hard after but we’re here, together and the future is looking really good right now.

I take several drinks of my coffee in a row and I stand up and walk in front of everyone and take a deep breath.

“Everyone..We have to talk...I’m...I’m going in for an operation soon and I need to tell you all why.”

*And Now…

Everyone is quiet for a few minutes and then Molly, Carmen, Kimmie and Brooklyn as well as Mike and Max are all asking if I’m okay.

While everyone is talking Rayne comes over to where I’m standing and she takes my hand and she slips her fingers in with mine holding it tight.

Kimmie and Brooklyn stop and look at me and at Rayne and I see Kimmie’s eyes get big.

“No Way, you’re doing it?!”

“Yeah I am.”

Molly asks. “Doing what?”

I take a breath. “I’m a little different.”

I look at them and I take another deeper breath.

“I was not born a girl.”

Max and Molly and Carmen are quiet.

Max looks like he’s trying to see the boy turning his head this way and that.

Molly looks at me.

Carmen is pulling a Max right now.

Then Molly says. “You were born a boy?”

I shrug. “I always thought so.”

Molly looks at me and crosses her arms under her breasts. “What’s that about?”

Carmen gets this sharp look look. “It means Angel’s real name is Jason Powers.”

I sigh and I nod.

“And you’ve been hiding from Adam in plain sight.”

I nod.

I’m feeling cold right now, nerves and the night time air is making me shiver.

Molly looks at me and at Carmen.

Carmen says. “With the stuff with The Band and Adam it sort of makes sense. I mean it’s why you’re hooked up with me right?”

“No, I wanted you with us because you were hurting and you needed a place. I wouldn’t have cared if you got involved in the Adam stuff or not Carmen. You didn’t have to do this, you didn’t have to do any of that.”

“And I’m supposed to trust that?” Carmen hurls it like a dart at me.

I hunch my shoulders. “Yes, I mean sure who you are and what Adam had you doing was always there. But even if we were just friends and you never did any of the stuff he blackmailed you into doing that’d still be a thing with us...between us.”

Carmen stares at me hard and I am looking at her and this...this hurts.

She works her jaw a little. “I’m sorry… you get that I have trust issues right? Like after what I’ve been through?”

(Sniffle-sob.) “Yeah I get that because when you came to us and were being nice to us at gigs we didn’t know what you were up to….and I didn’t like you...I didn’t want to like you.”

She wipes at her eyes fists clenched and all tough girl. “I know! I know! And that was the right fucking call too because I didn’t fucking know if I could trust me around you either!”

Carmen wipes at her eyes again. “I’m not a good person Angel…! Why...why the fuck would you ever trust me I made you life a living hell in school just like the rest of the fucking sell outs!”

She hugs herself hard, then un-hugs and shoves her hands into her pockets and even does this little circling pacing like her nerves are out of control and Molly comes over to her and slips her arms in through Carmen’s arms and hugs her pressing her face into Carmen’s chest.

Carmen’s crying now and she’s doing that look at the sky like it’s going to help with the tears sort of thing.

“I just...I don’t understand why you guys are like this...why me and what I did doesn’t matter?”

Mike pipes up and crosses over to us as does Brooklyn and Kimmie. “I was already pulling a sort of undercover thing when I started at school as a part time student. We were already looking to stop Adam somehow when it turned out that he was dealing and worse.”

Carmen is looking at us and then down at Molly.

Molly looks up from Carmen’s chest and smiles for her and she reaches up and she strokes Carmen’s face tenderly and wipes some tears away. “It’s okay, it’s okay for people to love you.”

Molly kisses her for a few moments over and over again on tip toes the shorter goth-punk girl and the tall dancer girl.

Rayne takes the time to turn me around and kiss me too and wipe my own tears away.

I really needed that.

It’s like this little break where we get taken care of and then end up facing each other again with our girlfriends holding us.

Molly’s looking at me. “How long have you been on hormones?”

“You know?”

She gives me this don’t be stupid look. “Angel I’ve seen your boobs, they’re small but they’re definitely boobs.”

I blush. “Not that long, a few weeks.”

She gives me this raised eyebrow.

I shrug. “The Dr. I was sent to said I have PAIS.”

Molly nods. “Okay then, that makes sense. When were you going to tell me given everything that you know about me?”

“I had no idea, now…? Honestly Molly I’ve been scared to death to tell you.”

“Me why?”

“Because of your family, because of how you feel about guys…”

Mike pipes in again. “No offense Angel you’ve been a dumbass on that.”

“What?”

Molly gives me this exasperated sigh. “Jesus Angel, I don’t like men. I don’t like men as a group. They suck...as a group. I love Mike, he’s like the brother that I always should have had. I love his Dad, I love your Dad. I like Jake and Mr. Walker...I’m a lesbian sure but holy fuck...I don’t hate everyone with a dick or a sort of facsimile of a dick.”

That has Kimmie giggling loudly.

I’m bright red.

“Well I’m trading one of those for another.”

Molly says. “A post op vagina is still a vagina.”

Rayne looks at her. “So you’re good with this?”

Molly rolls her eyes. “Good with what Angel being trans, coming out?”

Rayne says. “Her and I as a lesbian couple?”

Molly says. “Do I really look like a fucking TERF? I’m a street kid and a runaway do I look like the kind of asshole that would treat other women like that? I don’t call on other people’s relationships and I don’t gatekeep the community.”

Kimmie asks. “What’s a TERF?”

Rayne says. “A fake feminist bigot.”

Molly says. “They are Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists. They’re basically a bunch of bigoted extremists that are bent on hating trans people and trans women in particular and they use feminism as like their smokescreen.”

Kimmie shakes her head. “Fuck that’s useless. I mean who the fuck cares?”

Molly says. “Bigots do, and that’s all they fucking are. They make light of the LGBT plus community all the time and they’re tits deep in the L-sep movement.”

“L-sep?” I had to ask.

“Lesbian Separatists, pretty much the same people but either they are the hate all men with no exception even little kids types and yeah even Mom-Lesbians with boy kids or they’re TERFS just there faking and stoking the fires of hate and sometimes both.”

I… wow...bad wow. “I’m sorry I asked.”

Molly shrugs. “They’re scum, they don’t represent any community but their own hate group and they never will. I am not one of those fucking people Angel...Rayne...what you two do in your relationship is your business.”

Rayne smiles. “Thanks, it’s been touch and go even us figuring where we were going with us, or even if we could.”

Carmen nods and she looks at Molly and she smiles and blushes. “Tell me about it you sometimes never know who you’ll be into or like how.”

I look at Carmen. “Are we good?”

She nods smiling and looking at me. “I was there remember, I was there when they beat the hell out of you and stripped you and beat the heck out of you some more until you broke Adam’s nose. I get the disappearing act.”

“Well being Angel wasn’t planned. Becoming me wasn’t planned. This whole thing wasn’t planned the girls needed help after Summer.”

Kimmie chimes in with. “And I have Jem the cartoon on DVD!”

Molly is laughing and says to Kimmie as she comes over with Carmen in tow and hugs me. “Well We are so much closer to the comic.”

Kimmie giggles. “Cool there’s a comic!”

“Yes Roxie, there’s a Jem comic.”

Molly gives me a squeeze. “You are my friend Angel, one of my best friends. My life would be a hell of a lot different without you and I’m never going to walk or turn my back on you...ever.”

Carmen gives me a lighter hug. “Thanks for the chance, thanks for the support and the trust.”

I hug Carmen back. “You’re worth it.”

She looks at me. “You know Adam finds out he’s going to lose it and try to fuck you and kill you.”

I shiver, she’s serious looking. “I know, that’s why we’re doing this. Adam Senior Senior literally told me he had me looked into. Uncle Bobby told me that everything held up but that if I wanted I could get it done. There’s nothing like eyewitnesses he said.”

Carmen nods. “Good point, naked coochie is pretty convincing.”

I sigh and shrug and lean on her and Molly. “I just want to get on with my life.”

Molly smiles. “Well for what it’s worth we both get that and you make an excellent girl.”

Rayne smiles and pulls me from them and says. “I agree.”

We all look over at Max who is still on the other side of things and he actually looks like he was ignoring us and has his second or third Egg McMuffin halfway in his mouth.

He looks at us and chews and swallows. “What? I seen hugging. Angel’s a girl, Adam’s a douchenozzle, it’s like not a big deal.”

Kimmie goes over and she cuddle hugs with him. “Awww babe you have such a way with words.”

He shrugs. “Everyone here’s good people.” He looks at me. “I hope that everything goes well with the operation.”

“Me too and thanks Max.”

He shrugs again and holds his food and starts to feed Kimmie. “Hey not a problem.”

We all sort of stand there and I lean on Rayne and sigh. “I feel better.”

I’m not kidding, I feel better, I feel lighter and at the same time I feel like crying too because they all are okay with me just being me despite all the lying and covering things up.

Molly nods. “Coming out isn’t easy.”

Carmen slips her arms around Molly. “We don’t want to see it though.”

I… (Sniffle.) “I don’t want to see it either...not even in private sometimes.”

Rayne tightens her hug. “It’s okay honey, it’s not long now.”

“I know, I know it’s just...not me...not Angel and it’s just…”

Molly nods. “Dysphoria sucks right?”

I nod.

(Sniffle.) “Thanks guys, I mean it really thanks. I was so fucking scared...I didn’t want this to break up the band, to break up our family…. (Sniffle-sob.)...I love you guys!”

Yeah that’s me hitting my emotional wall and I start crying with being happy and all of the nerves and them caring and having my back.

We sort of all gather into this big group hug and there’s crying and there’s more hugging and Rayne’s holding me really together through it as a lot of stuff comes pouring out that I didn’t know was all bottled up.

We sort of just end up sitting together back on all of the vehicles letting the fall sun warm all of us up and Brooklyn does this sway side to side and she hums a few bars before she starts singing.

It’s one of our definite themes for us as a group and it brings tears to my eyes.

“I don’t wanna be….Anything, other than what I’ve been lately…”

Kimmie jumps in with. “All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind…!”

I join in because the next lines are well just me… “I’m tired of lookin ‘round rooms...wondering what I got to do...Or who I’m supposed to be….!”

Rayne starts singing while she’s holding me tight her arms wrapped around me like the best blanket ever. “And I don’t want to be anything other than Me…”

Then it’s all of four of us along with Carmen and Molly together…

“I don’t wanna be….Anything, other than what I’ve been lately…”
“All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind…!”
“I’m tired of lookin ‘round rooms...wondering what I got to do...Or who I’m supposed to be….!”

“And I don’t want to be anything other than Me…”

And we all go again all together still and louder and closer and we all have tears in our eyes because really this is kind of all of us.

“I don’t wanna be….Anything, other than what I’ve been lately…”
“All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind…!”
“I’m tired of lookin ‘round rooms...wondering what I got to do...Or who I’m supposed to be….!”

“And I don’t want to be anything other than Me…”

We’re together, we’re together after all of it.

That’s amazing.