Jem…Chapter 62

Chapter 62

The mood is a lot lighter with the four of us since Billy and the guys had taken off to make things right with those two guys. I feel like there’s been a weight taken off of me and I can see how happy Brooklyn is.

When she was over there mixing paint with Uncle Mitch I swear she was almost giving off that vibe of nothing good that happens to me ever lasts.

I kind of can really get behind that feeling. My life back when I was Jason was just so much like one hit after another sometimes.

What I’ve come to learn and to figure out my life without Adam constantly trying to beat me down and make me cow-tow to his bullshit is infinitely better.

Not that being Jason sucked or was horrible as Jason I just have gotten just how much of how hard it’s been since Adam’s out of my daily picture. But he’s reared his ugly head again but with Mike and over then same bullshit. I’m even worried over just what’s going to happen to the next Jason…who’s taken my place as his whipping boy. Or is that Mike since Mike’s actually provoking him?

But we’re not taking his shit, his plans with steering those two guys at us are scrubbed and now he’s just…..he’s going to go down and we’ll find a way to take him down.

I shake it off because if really I stewed about Adam more now the more it’ll ruin the mood we’ve got going now and I want to actually celebrate what we just managed to figure out.

We check on a few things but we get out gear set up too down the hall in the back room where we had it before.

“Oh cool…” I can’t help but to say it as there’s some of the pull outs from my music magazines all over the walls now and the stuff in it has mostly been cleared away except for a chair in the corner and one of the love seats and the couch it’s been cleared for a practice space for us including a lot of my things that were Jason’s.

There’s not a lot of stuff like my instruments because “Jason.” took his with him and I’m not sure where they’re actually at. But still this was very like getting some of those things that were mine back.

We’re setting things up and looking around at the same time. I home in on some of my favorite magazines where I highlighted stuff and made notes for future songs. These are little treasures and it takes maybe ten minutes before I’m reading again and getting out a pad to write on and my guitar.

Rayne is looking at me every little once in awhile as I write and play and I sort of sing with small little vocal bursts getting the tones and the melodies where I want them to be.

“What?”

“You’re amazing you know that?”

“Uhm…okay? Thanks.”

“No seriously, what you did today was really awesome.” She sits beside me on the loveseat and shifts to being behind me and smells along my neck raising hairs before kissing me.

Oh…yay that feels good.

“The…oh…uhm..the guys weren’t, well they were kind of guy thinking about it with all that macho stuff.”

“Yeah…” Her arms slip around me and she presses into my back with her really awesome breasts…I’m not even meaning size but it feels beyond nice to feel that. “You were so not a “Guy” when you were doing that.”

“Uhm…thanks…well you’re right, I’m not sure I ever really fit the guy profile outside of the whole biology and there just being so much stuff going on in my life. It just never really occurred to me until this month living like this that I’m not.”

Brook looks over at us as she’s tuning her guitar. “I’m gonna be the bitch for saying this after everything Angel but how do you really know it’s really under a month. This could just be the fact that you’re not living with Adam and everything else on you.”

I look at her. “I don’t know how I know really I think that it’s more that things really don’t seem that strange to me?”

“Okay…but this thing is a huge thing you’re stepping into.”

“Yeah I know it’s literally life changing.”

Rayne looks at Brooklyn. “Okay why all the questions? What’s up?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, okay Angel was definitely all girl logic if you want to go that far with the guys and not fighting or she was just thinking things through and we’re labelling it that way. Either way you’re sort of all over her now because of this whole girl power moment.”

“What?”

Brooklyn set’s the guitar down and gives her a hard stare. “This has never been this good with us home or together and definitely as a band. I love Angel to death but what’s really fair? Are we shoving our wants and needs and her being accepted as angel at her than rather Jason?”

“I wouldn’t do that?”

“I’m not saying you would but it’s not been that long Rayne, the things that this kind of thing comes with are serious.”

“I know that!” Rayne gets up and she’s looking hurt and angry.

“Guys chill this isn’t a big deal.” I try and get between them.

Brooklyn still stares at Rayne… “I’m not trying to be the bad guy here Raven, I’m not but have you really thought about how you’re acting? The message you’re giving?”

“I’m not Summer!”

“And I’m not saying that you are so chill the fuck out!”

“No! You’re saying that I’m treating Angel differently because I’m seeing her as a girl and not Jason in drag.”

“You are! Would you love Angel as much if she wasn’t transgendered?”

Silence….

Rayne’s shaking and there’s tears there and she looks at me….and I’m looking at her because…well honestly I thought I might be good with the whole point of being Angel as opposed to being Jason full time and being a girl but it’s like Brooklyn just….well she just raised a whole lot of doubts in my mind with all of these things and really…really I want to hear this.

“I…I’m a lesbian…I can’t help who I love and who I’m attracted to…”

“Yeah we live together we know…but is Angel good enough as she is or do you need her to change who she is to fit you?”

“Why are you asking me all of this!?” Rayne’s crying and angry with her fists clenched and everything.

“Because we’ve seen what happened with Summer and Jase was a hair’s breath away from actually doing something that would have killed him when we found him. Rave this is really serious stuff and I love both of you and I really mean that and it’d break all of us if this comes flying apart if we don’t face this shit now instead of years for now and shit happens that can’t be taken back.”

Brooklyn stands up and grabs Rayne’s wrists and looks at her. “I love you dammit you’re my blood, my real family and so is Angel…”

Okay I’m crying too and so is Kimmie who actually got up and is sitting beside me and she’s hugging me. I have no idea why Brook brought this up now of all the times to do that but it’s really brought up a lot of questions in me. Honestly the TG stuff is scary as much as I might want it…do I really want to take steps like that?

What would my life be like without all the crap as Jason?

Who would I be?

And could I be good enough to love just as I am?

And just looking at Rayne and seeing her staring at me with the tears and the look of anguish that just slowly changes and she seems to just sort of melt into looking at me with these happy shimmery tear filled eyes.

Then that little smile…and a scratchy… “Yeah…I…I ...can’t help it, I can’t change it…no matter what happens Angel is just my Angel…I’ll…I’ll take you anyway I can…”
(Sniffle.)

I get up off the loveseat and go over and I hug her tight. “I love you y’know…this is some scary stuff when I think a lot about it but I am still sure that this is who I’m supposed to be…”

Brooklyn looks me over…and she smiles and rubs my arm. “I needed to know…all of this is so much more important to me now that it ever was when we started this.”

“I know but I’m actually pretty sure…I mean I was seriously into mike there and I’ve found some guys not really unreasonable to look at too but I sure wasn’t really having like turned on guy thoughts about them so…it’s really…”

Rayne looks at me. “You’re into guys other than Mike?”

“Sort of…Jace stuff aside and out of the way I can see where they’re not that bad especially if they’re actually nice guys.”

“So you’re?”

“Bi? Maybe? In love with you…definitely…”

“Good…” She pulls me into this really big hug and a long kiss with her doing that loving deep passionate kiss that just seems to flood me from the inside out and I’m curling my toes into the carpet.

I kiss her back slowly and gently and not invading her with a kiss but like pouring myself out into her and letting her just…

I love the way she’s touching me…holding me…Rayne’s taller than me not much but bigger too, and she’s strong and the way her hands feel…She makes my skin tingle…good feelings in that oh my good gooseflesh way….the way that she’s pressing into me…It’s so good but honestly I really do want breasts of my own to press into hers and not the falsies I’m wearing.

Brooklyn hugs us too after we stop kissing and says. “Sorry guys I just…”

Rayne and I both say at the same time. “It’s okay…” Then smile looking at each other as we start laughing shedding off the angst emotional energy. Kim’s in on the hug too really fast sniffling. “Are you guys ever drama whores y’know that!”

I (Sniffle.) “Hey we’re teen girls what’s life without a little drama?”

We break into that girly crying watery laughter and I swear I can feel the bonds between us getting tighter…like we just went through another big thing but an internal one. I can’t stop smiling because I know deep down that the girls love me as much as I love them and it just feels so amazing after so long…I love Dad and he’s been the best Dad any girl could ask for but I really was missing this in my life.

It’s Rayne that actually starts it but we all chime in singing.

“I don't want to be…”
“Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.”
“All I have to do…”
“Is think of me and I have peace of mind…”
“I'm tired of looking 'round rooms.”
“Wondering what I've got to do.”
“Or who I'm supposed to be…”
“I don't want to be anything other than me…”

Were swaying together and smiling and laughing as the cloud that was there just blows away this…this is us and there’s this magic there in the way this feels. The way we are right now and I’m actually beaming and surprised when Kimmie starts us off again with this really high sweet clear almost fae like voice…oh she has this really sweet girly voice…but the song is just us too…

Sometimes in our lives  
We all have pain  
We all have sorrow  
But if we are wise  
We know that there's always tomorrow  

Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
'Til I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride  
If I have things you need to borrow  
For no one can fill those of your needs  
That you won't let show

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand (Chorus)
We all need somebody to lean on  
I just might have a problem that you'd understand  
We all need somebody to lean on

Second Verse
(Chorus)

If there is a load you have to bear  
That you can't carry  
I'm right up the road  
I'll share your load  
If you just call me
(Chorus)
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (call me)
Call me (if you need a friend)
Call me (if you ever need a friend)
Call me (call me)
Call me  
Call me (if you need A friend)

We’re leaning and hugging and swaying back and forth almost like girls at camp or something just as special…

“Brook’s right, you’re more than my friends, you’re my blood…my family, my sisters…” I wipe at my eyes. “Okay…we’re good? Can we write some songs now?”