Jem…Chapter 179

*Summer…

I knew I was in shit when he called me inside.

Oh Adam was actually quiet enough about his little fetish about Angel and this time was different still quiet, still calm but he was too calm…and his eyes, his eyes were off.

Off in a bad way that should have seen me taking off.

Eyes like my stepfather’s had been when he molested me.

Is it molestation if your psycho bitch of a mother pimps you out for the sake of her marriage?

That’s actually why I stayed.

Seriously.

That look.

If I had left and not taken the money there was a really good chance of him doing something utterly horrible to me or the others if I didn’t.

I’ve been on the receiving end of that too.

So I took the money, I took all of the money in the petty cash box actually and I let Adam rape me.

And it was rape too…there was far more deep cold, just sex but sex turned into sheer violence as he folded me and called me her name over and over. “Angel, Angel, my little Angel…my sweet tight assed little bitch.”

And it was choking blowjobs gagging on his cock and crying and he liked me crying and I was literally scared when he stroked my cheeks and pulled his dick out of my throat and he said.

“Cry, bitch, cry and beg of more but not as you Summer, I don’t want to hear you sound like you I want you to sound like her.”

I’ll admit I’m a pretty good mimics with some stuff and I’ve met her so I did my best and played his sick game.

Then still hard like blue buddy hard he rams my asshole.

I’m okay with anal when it’s regular and consensual, this wasn’t that and he wasn’t even doing that to me.

Angel’s in his sights and as much as I really dislike the bitch she’s not deserving of this.

He called me. “Skinny bitch, my bitch…” Oh there was a lot of him calling me/her my bitch over and over and when he hurt me and I made a sound he laughed.

He dumped two loads before he slowed...had to recover and when I tried to move he pinned me to the desk mashing me hard against it making me have flashbacks to when she let them do it to me to ensure that they kept her around and kept her in the style of living she wanted.

You can’t trust them, even if they give birth to you you can’t trust them.

I started sobbing because I’m right there, back there less than ninety pounds and him pinning me and I can’t fight it because I literally couldn’t and Adam’s whiskey breath is the same, cologne is the same.

Rich bastards are all the same.

He passed me the decanter with his whiskey in it and I drank hard and drank until he took it back and drank some too.

It took a while before I calmed down and Adam was lighting one of his thin cigars and getting another drink while he was dressed again.

He took a few drags and went over and really, really gently took off the wig and slowly exhaled that smoke like he was some kind of fucking demon as her softly said. “I like it when you cry Summer, pussy shudders around my cock as they cry did you know that? All those sobs delightful little spasms around my cock.”

I watched him put that wig away like a serial killer with a trophy and I left taking the money and staggering out as he made sure I left.

Hannah was there helping me as he came out and got some pizza for everyone and it was just like he flipped a switch inside and he was normal, happy even and texting away with a smile before going back into his office.

I try to walk right but I can’t.

I’m going to lose it and cry but I hated crying and freaking out a sob slips out and Hannah steers me away and outside to the car and she did all that and grabbed our jackets and purses. My hands shake as I’m putting the money in my purse.

“Quit Summer.”

“Huh?”

“Quit, this isn’t worth it.”

“I can’t, I can’t I want this and Adam has the juice I need.”

“Adam’s a fucking rapist!”

“So, most men are, some women too.” I don’t care I just...Hannah’s looking at me tears in her eyes and running down her face leaving fuchsia streaks.

“Summer...you’re...you’re worth more than this, worth more than going through this just because Adam’s a rich fucker.”

I look at her as the dam breaks, fuck her!, fuck her! fuck her she…. I scream at her. “No! No I’m not Hannah and I fuckin learned that a long time ago that guys will just fucking do anything they want! You don’t get to tell me how to fucking deal with it, with MY fucking life Hannah, I’m a survivor!”

She screams back at me hurt and angry. “I am falling in love with you Summer, I am and you want me to look away while you’re getting hurt! No! I want out of this! I want out from him!”

“Well you’re acting like him Hannah telling me what to do and how to fucking feel!”

“I’m trying to help you goddammit Summer!”

“You’re just being another fucking controlling guy in my life Henry!”

That hit Hannah like a train and I seen this whole swath of pain run over her face and she even took a step back and more tears ran out.

That’s it, that’s just exactly it Summer...send her packing, it’ll hurt less than this if you hurt Hannah, you’ll be the monster that deserves all this...you know it...you know you’re a monster.

I’m crying too and my voice is breaking as I shout at her. “You don’t get a say, you don’t get to judge me, you don’t get to help me pick up my pieces!”

“Because they’re sharp right?” She has her head down and she’s looking at the ground...tears...I can see tears dripping hitting the blacktop and her fists are clenched up so hard her little knuckles are white and all these little scars on her hands are showing up white too.

She looks at me and I don’t...Carrie...Rayne...both looked at me that way, so much there, so much that felt like it...it’d just kill me.

I feel the panic attack happening.

And she’s still saying stuff.

“I am not afraid of you Summer, I’ve never been afraid of you.”

I shove her. “You shouldn’t be, you’re a guy!” I shove her again. “All guys even fucked up ones like you hurt people, fuck real women over!” I shove her again and she falls back on the pavement pretty hard and she cries out in pain.

She doesn’t sound like a guy at all and that sound was just like the crying out that never got help back then.

And I can’t breathe, I can’t breath and my heart is screaming as my chest tightens past the breaking point and I fall too just dropping and…

And…

I can’t...can’t…

Can’t breathe, can’t stop crying...can’t breathe.

And then she’s there, having rolled over and scrambled to me scraping herself on the pavement and she’s holding me and everything in me boils and screams as I just can’t.

I was crying then.

He still pinned me to his desk and took me, took my soul as he fucked me.

My to be stepfather.

I cried and i’m crying now and my pussy hurts my ass hurts from Adam hurting me.

Just like him.

Did he like it too?

Like it like Adam…. just like… “I like it when you cry Summer, pussy shudders around my cock as they cry did you know that? All those sobs delightful little spasms around my cock.”

Every sob makes me feel it as Hannah holds me.

How can she hold something so damaged, worthless, monstrous?

*Hannah… Well I’m likely going to kill him.

Adam.

What he did to Summer was fucking rape.

I don’t care that he paid her a shit ton of cash either.

I just care about her.

I get the pain.

I see the broken pieces, see how sharp they are.

And I’m so fucking familiar with lashing out, of being tortured by my own head.

Being trans...my dad caught me lots dressing, lost his shit.

And the last time he was drunk and violent and took the top half of one of his fishing rods and whipped me.

Whipped me until I bled and the dress fell apart.

I ran after that.

A hurt freak that couldn’t trust anyone.

And it took a long time to get strong again and to rise past him and a bunch of really bad guys determined to use a street kid and fuck a trans girl.

I was there too broke like this.

Summer might not have my scars but she might not have had the friends and support I found on the streets and in people that helped me find that there’s real light and hope in the world.

And yeah the shit she said...did to me hurt.

Misgendering takes me back to the bad times, deadnaming gives my ghost self new life.

But loves fucking funny, it can give you strength to walk past barking black dogs and old ghosts and to where that person you love is screaming their soul out crying so hard that when you grab her and hold her the trauma is leaking out of her skin.

Oh goddammit she tried so hard to push me away, she tried so hard to make herself the bad guy.

It’s like cutting...pain to distract from the pain.

Took me a very caring old native woman just outside of Saguenay tell me that those bad choices, the screw ups that keep happening to those of us abused, molested they’re cutting on the inside. Us making proof and excuses for us having such things happen to us...inside-out gaslighting.

I hold her tight and rock her even as she’s just bawling and shaking and I kiss her forehead and her face each tear wet cheek and then her lips as she’s slowed down to just tears and she’s staring at me.

“W...Why?”

“Because, I told you, I’m falling for you.”

“Y..you don’t know me Hannah, you don’t know what I am.”

“Nope, you don’t either though.”

“But...I’m…”

“Summer…” I take her face in my hands and cradle it like it’s precious and like she’s as beautiful as she really is. “You don’t know who you are bae, when, when did you ever have the chance?”

I lean over as I lift her head up and I slowly start kissing her long and soft and sweetly in the sunshine as the clouds pass just right to give us this romantic bright little flare.

She’s still shaking when I break the kiss and she’s super pale as cold feeling as shock’s kicking in and I stand up then get her in the passenger seat of her car and I drive.

I have to adjust the seat as far as it’ll go and I turn on the heater full blast and open her window enough for fresh air and she’s there and not. Just hugging herself a right mess. I take out wipes and fix my face and hers too and buckle her in and drive.

I was going to go home first but nope I head us over to the train station and the cars until I find Phanatical Phil this old dude that’s a dealer but a sort of straight shooter hippy dippy type of guy that runs stuff from his van.

He’s there jamming on his harmonica and I buy a half dozen joints he recommends.

“Here these will help your girlfriend doll it’s good Indica, she gonna be okay she looks out past the wire.”

“Out past the wire?” I ask.

“Yeah like out there past the barricades, like the vets. She’s got that PTSD out there look.”

I nod and hunch. “Yeah, she got sexually assaulted and I don’t think it’s the first time.”

Phil looks concerned and crawl half falls back into his van and comes out with some stuff a jar of something funky looking and a baggy of what looks like more herbs than leaves and I’m right there a little lavender in there.

“What this?”

He puts the jar in my hand. “This is earth tea, I get it from an Weenusk elder.”

“It looks like dirt jam.”

“It’s pretty rank so he likes grinds and makes it with like tea and berries and fruits and maple syrup. It tastes funky still but it’s drinkable and helps with PTSD stuff.”

“Drugs?”

“Oh fuck ya Doll, get’s you higher than fuck but slows down the bad trip a lot so you can deal y’know.”

“How much.”

“Nada Doll, fucked up’s fucked up. I don’t charge forces folk neither.”

“You’re a good head Phil.”

“Nah Doll, just a dude trying t’help. Way too many good folks fucked over way too much by life an the government ain’t gonna help because they just fucked up too many folks. I just do what i can and shit y’know.”

“Yeah I know you’re still awesome hon.” I kiss him on the forehead and he grins.

“This here’s some tea, best ground up but it’s like really chill too.”

I open the baggy and smell…. “There’s shake in it, lavender, green tea leaves, raspberry leaves...what else?”

“Like corn flower, hyssop, some lemon balm leaves and I got some chamomile in there too. I like grind it up and make a smoothie out of it with like yogurt and stuff.”

“Thanks this’ll help Phil.”

“Yeah, take your girl home eh.”

“I’m gonna.”

We hug and I pay him for the weed and I drive us towards home keeping to the side streets and like not try to have the cops stop me.

Once I’m home I get Summer to our bedroom and I run a bath slowly but pretty hot and I dump some coconut oil into it and get her undressed.

I ease her in and she shivers and blinks at me. “Hannah...Th...thanks.”

“No problem bae.” I softly kiss her a few times and she shivers a bit more and i light one of the joints and take a drag and hold it for her. She tokes some and coughs then has another and we smoke up together and it’s mostly her but I’m taking my own edge off too.

“I’ll be back, just chill okay?”

She nods and takes the wash cloth and starts to wash, in that I need to way.

I leave but once I’m outside of the bathroom I kick off my boots and get into high gear.

I strip the bed and get new stuff out and run down and toss it and her robe into the dryer with a dryer sheet and grind the herbs up in the spice grinder we’ve got and I put on some hot water for the earth brew stuff and it smells funky kinda like miso/maple and prunes tastes like it too and I head upstairs and set the earth stuff in her hands.

“What’s this?”

“Meds, native stuff from a friend.”

“The hippy weed guy?”

“Yeah.”

“How you know him?”

“Phil travels, he’s like an old hippy street doc. I met him last year in like Oshawa he’s good people. When you can’t afford a script and he’s around he’s got stuff he sells or like even gives out for free.”

“Why’s he here?”

“No clue, likely he doesn’t either, I don’t think he thinks that far ahead.”

She drinks some and makes a face. “Wow that’s fucked up tasting.”

“Not bad actually gave me a recipe idea.”

“Okay well you’re the cook.”

“Hey there’s a lot of kids like me getting work in the back of house, restaurants hire street kids and illegals all the time because if you can do it they don’t care and they’ll pay you under the table.”

We share the medicine with her taking most of it and I undress and yeah I’m shy because well...I’m trans and there’s parts of me that aren’t what I’ve ever wanted...I’m better with my dysphoria than some but still.

And even though I know why she said the shit she did it’s still there and still trying to grab up all that toxins and play black-merry with my brain.

The Indica actually helped because my anxiety with my dysphoria don’t get high enough to swamp me and I sink into the water.

Once my bottom half’s covered it’s not so bad and Summer gives me this about to cry broken smile and I move closer so we can be close enough to kiss.

Breast to breasts.

Kissing foreheads touching and yeah crying as we kiss.

“I’m sorry Hannah, I’m so sorry.”

“I know, I know it wasn’t you talking Summer.”

“It was…”

“I don’t think so it hurts less what they did if you make it that you’re bad enough to deserve it.”

She sobs and she whines.

I pull her close and hold her to me and she settles into my chest and her fingers play across the scars on my back.

I take the washcloth and the soap and lather it together and wash her as she’s just holding on and she makes me gasp as she takes a still tender growing nipple into her mouth. She suckles instead of the foreplay, nursing on me as much as anything else.

She needs something, I need something...I’ve never felt like this before either and it’s not just us getting a really good buzz going.

That funky earth tea’s hitting me with a bit of a body high very pot brownie like only a little lighter in the head or it’s tempered by the weed. It’s hitting me and I’m a lightweight so it’s definitely hitting Summer who hard like twice as much as me.

She’s kind of trancing out which is good, it’s calming her down and it’s giving me the chance to just take care of her.

As I do I first start humming.

I’m humming the intro to *Patience.* By Guns and Roses that’s one of her goto cover bands.

“Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you…”
“I'm still alright to smile.”

“Girl, I think about you every day now…”

“Was a time when I wasn't sure…”
“But you set my mind at ease.”

“There is no doubt you're in my heart now…”

“Said woman take it slow, and it'll work itself out fine.”
“All we need is just a little patience…”

“Said sugar make it slow and we'll come together fine.”
“All we need is just a little patience…”

*And Summer softly sings back... “Patience…..Mm, yeah…”

“I sit here on the stairs.”
“'Cause I'd rather be alone…”

“If I can't have you right now, I'll wait dear…”

“Sometimes I get so tense but I can't speed up the time…”
“But you know love there's one more thing to consider.”

*I raise my pitch and tempo.

“Said woman take it slow and things will be just fine…”
“You and I'll just use a little patience.”

“Said sugar take the time 'cause the lights are shining bright.”
“You and I've got what it takes to make it…”
“We won't fake it…”
“I'll never break it…”
“'Cause I can't take it…”
“Little patience…”
“Mm yeah, mm yeah…”
“Need a little patience…”
“Yeah…”
“Just a little patience…”
“Mmm... yeah.”
“Some more patience...yeah…”

*And Summer starts in with her own raw voice. “I've been walking the streets at night..just trying to get it right,”

*I croon…”A little patience…. yeah…”

*Summer dips her head back wetting her hair then slicking it back doing great things with her breasts and she’s getting this look like she’s getting into it as she sings back to me. “It’s hard to see with so many around, You know I don't like being stuck in the crowd.”

*And I sing back… “Could use some patience... yeah…”

*And Summer’s still into it and keeps going. “And the streets don't change but maybe the names… “I ain't got time for the game 'cause I need you.”

*And I sing softly to her… “Gotta have more patience... yeah…”

*And Summer sings back to me really intensely with the long drawn out notes. “Yeah...yeah but I need you.”

*Me… “All need some patience…”

*Summer... “Ooh I need you…. whoa... I need you…!”

*Me… “Just a little patience is all you need…”

*Summer…. “Ooh... this time... ah…”

Then it’s both of us together singing to each other… “Oh sweet child…..”

Then we’re kissing together and she’s pushing her breasts into mine and our fingers are slipping through each other’s hair and it’s hot, wet, exciting kissing with out tongues dancing together, twirling and swirling.

Her hand reaches down and she touches me...there and she strokes until it can’t help but work and I’m shaking between the edges of fear and need… “Summer…”

“Please...please baby, I want you inside me. I want you...I want you wiping out all the feelings of that asshole.”

I swallow hard because yeah I so want to make it better but that’s not something that’s me really...yeah I’ve done it but it’s a big deal every time.

Again I think it’s the weed dampening my anxiety with this.

I sink into Summer’s tight silkiness and yes tight, looseness is a myth and she moans “Go...Go…”

I move more and it does feel good, amazing actually except it me doing that with that and it almost trips me up mentally until Summer soaps up my growing sensitive breasts and starts to massage and play with them making my nipples and everything else hard.

I lose myself in the pleasure of that as I keep moving and Summer does these soapy swirls over and over my nipples with her thumbs that have me crying out. “Oh...oh...oh goddess my titties...of fuck Summer...Summer…”

I’m moving inside her with my same reflex of pushing my hips when she fucks me and when my breathing gets to that point where I’m going to pop her hands cup my breasts and squeeze like only another girl would know how to…

Summer’s hand use the space between her thumb and index finger to capture my super hard erect nipples and do little pulling gestures and jerking them...no milking them...I whine moan long and high…

She splashes water over them suddenly and hunches over fastening a mouth to my right breast and seizes around me as she cums...vibrating… “Good girl...oh Hannah good girl…”

It’s that and the words that take me over my edge and I pop hard...three four times that leaves my shuddering and holding her head to my body and she sucks on my breast more and more making me feel another one but that over sensation girl-pop but not pop.

We’re there until we calm down and Summer switched breasts and went back to literally nursing me.

It’s crazy how good that feels, how emotionally good that makes me feel.

The water does get cold and we do get out and I wrap a towel quickly around me and go get the blankets, pop in a sexy soft mixed CD I’d burned and then take her robe and wrap her up in it.
I walk her out to the bed then make it and we slip into bed together in the warm sheets naked together and she snuggles and she’s making soft sighs and she slips low enough to nurse on me again.

I don’t get why she’s doing it passed being pretty high but it seems to be helping her.

And goddess it feels so powerful.

And that’s us for several hours both of us sleeping, me having these vivid nursing dreams and Summer switching from one breast to another.

My bit being hard woke me...no...Summer taking it into her mouth and giving me a blowjob woke me as did her lube up fingers sinking into me...I gasped awake when I felt all of that and again arching my back as her fingers were replaced by our vibe...and then her strap-on.

I shiver in a good way and she sucks and kisses my nipples that actually hurt from all the attention and then she kisses me.

There’s tears in her eyes and she’s not high either as she says in a soft and emotional voice. “Thank you Hannah, oh god thank you for being here, for rescuing me.”

I push myself up on my arms to kiss her and smile. “Summer, I love you, I’m in love with you even when it’s bad, even when you’re broken.”

She smiles but sobs too in a happy way looking really stunning because she’s so just this self conscious beautiful girl like she never shows. “I love you too Hannah, just...oh god I love you too.”

She’s crying and her whole skin is covered with goosebumps from the scared thrill of actually and finally putting herself out there and we make love.

And it’s not like the other times, not like them at all because it’s slower, careful, intense and she’s opening up more and more with the sweet talk, letting me know just how beautiful I am.

All the while the mixed CD’s playing… *Fallen* By Sarah McLaclan and *Who makes you feel* by Dido and *Everybody’s got a story* By Amanda Marshall and *Chasing Pavements* By Adele...all those great women rockers.

And really importantly we’re doing missionary position.

I know sounds vanilla but we’re face to face with my legs wrapped around Summer in the curve of her waist and we’re seeing each other as she sinks into me making me feel right,,,touching my spot over and over her own cries and moans mixing with my own as the pearl ball end of her cock presses into her and moves against her.

Her fingers are laced with mine as we move and her full big breasts and super erect nipples are running over my nursed on raw super sensitive ones.

Sweet tunes in the background...us losing ourselves in each other as time just seems to blur until we’re both spent beyond spent and collapse into each other intertwining like we never had.

Summer pulls me to her breasts, between them pillowing me. “Do you hear that?”

I can hear her heartbeat. “Mmm...yeah….”

“That’s the sound of my heart beating again.”

Sleep takes over pretty quickly as I’m exhausted, we both are it’s been such an intense day.

*Summer…

Never...I’d sworn never ever.

I swore it couldn’t ever happen again.

And it didn’t.

Falling in love.

Carrie...Rayne… all the others, the guys.

It’s never been like this.

Hannah…

No one’s stayed, no one’s fought with me, fought through me and my bullshit before.

And I can’t, I can’t fight it anymore...I’m fucked up beyond measure and I’m broken and I’m so not a good person...but I just can’t fight it anymore...I want this, I want her and I want something happy and real.

I hug her tighter, pulling our sheets tighter and almost try to pull her into me, inside of me and I just need to hang onto her because I’m so scared and confused right now.