Jem…Chapter 28
Chapter 28
We all kind of sat there for a few seconds or minutes just watching where Mike had been. I mean he just…
Kimmie’s voice was that sort of quiet awed. “That has to be the best thing that anyone has ever said to me in my life.”
Brooklyn’s looking confused and her eyes are shining with near tears and she’s looking at the computer then pulls her knees up wraps her arms around them and rests her head on Kimmie. “I…are…we actually doing something good? I never though I’d ever do anything that’d make a difference.”
Raven smiles and leans on me with a one armed hug. “I hope so; it’d be nice if we are. I like the idea of good karma.”
I lean on her still with this lump in my throat. “Yeah me too…maybe we can do some charity stuff sometime.”
Brooklyn nods. “We could do some benefit shows, ask for donations.”
We actually get up and got to the kitchen and grab the pizza that’s from Pizza Hut which is actually not bad pizza, I actually like the fried edges you get from pan pizza. But we head upstairs to my Mom’s room and it’s odd but the girls are looking around in here with this same kind of awe that I held for the place when I was a kid.
It kind of goes from there too. We set up our spots where we’re going to sleep but we don’t really use them that much as we look through some of my Mom’s things that are still here and we just kind of look things over and make stuff up as to the most likely things she’s use something for or when she’d wear this or that and it’s I don’t know but morbid? I kind of feel that it was one of the most spiritual things that I’ve ever really done in my life.
The Roxy found some of Mom’s scented candles and we lit them like it was a séance or something and we set out some of the pizza for mom and some set up some of her pictures and we invited her to join in the slumber party that we were sort of having and we even found some of her old mix tapes and we listened to the songs that she seemed to like and we even sang along. It was without instruments of course but it didn’t matter and there were these tears too and the tears just didn’t matter either because some how these were cleaner tears than most, happy tears even and we all fell asleep in the bed instead of the spots that we had laid out all in a tumble but even that was perfect.
I dreamt too even with the little bit that I slept and I dreamt that the candlelight became a haze like the light was fusing into and image and that my mom was looking over the four of us like she was doing that Mom thing and looking over us and she’d reach to touch us one by one, with fingers of light through our hair and over our faces and pressing her fingers to her lips to touch kisses on our faces.
I dreamt of her and that teary smile and her saying. “My Girls.”
I dreamt of her singing to us…
“Come, stop your crying, it'd be all right
Just take my hand, hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you
I will be here, don't you cry
For one so small, you seem so strong
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm
This bond between us can't be broken
I will be here, don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart always, always”
It’s I guess some people would just think that it’s just a silly dream and stuff getting this emotional over things and everything but to me this was one of those dreams that you have that you will remember even when you wake up.
I get up pretty early with it even being as late as it was when we got to bed and I slip out of bed trying not to wake the girls and I head into the bathroom and I have a pee and get cleaned up and into some fresh clothes…I’m not sure why but I just slip into one of mom’s dresses the first time wearing one really and it’s just one of those things that she wore everyday really.
It does look good on my though. Washed denim and button up front with tee-shirt like sleeves and a nice fitting top that comes down to the skirt that has this weighted something in the hem border between the top and bottom sections that sort of pulls it down and in and has it sort of ride on my hips. Heck it actually makes me look like I have better hips that I do. It has belt loops just above that so I use one of my wide belts and it has a great effect and the skirt is cute too stopping about five inches above the knee.
I head down stairs quietly too and I start breakfast with me making homemade bread first and getting some of that in the oven to get it hot and then I make coffee digging out the old big aluminum one from the kitchen closet and see a few other things that haven’t seen the light of day since mom had dies like her old kitchen aid stand mixer and the cake dish and the…and all the stuff that used to be full here all the time.
“Okay Mom, Okay I can feel you I swear I can…”
I dig stuff out and set up the kitchen for a day of serious cooking, and I mean serious cooking. For me and for the guys and for the girls and for Dad and stocking things up…I don’t know some of what I want to do so I look and take out Mom’s cookbook.
It’s so strange really to hold something that you ignored like this most of your life and to have it in my hands right now and to look through it and see her handwriting in places it hurts…it hurts but in this loving good way because this is hers and it’s real and it might have seen a lot of wear and stuff but her letters are there, her handwriting still there and not faded by time as much as the rest of her.
I swear like on one of those TV shows with a narrator I can hear her voice as I read the instructions.
Breakfast….I get back to cooking breakfast as I read and plan today’s Sunday family dinner. Scrambled eggs and lots of those and two whole packages of bacon but those I cook in the oven on a sheet pan so I can collect all the drippings. I turn the ovens on high we have a double range with the top and the bottom. I make ham and cook off the bread or the first of the bread and by that time comes around I hear people moving and Raven’s the first one downstairs looking just…
I know I’m all over the place but shower fresh her black hair does that drying into a bit of curl that’s pretty hot and she’s in jeans and wearing her old faded batman logo t-shirt that really doesn’t hide her breasts that much at all but does totally cover them so I guess that’s kind of the point.
I still can’t help looking.
It kind of feels nice though when she stops and she’s checking me out in the dress I’m wearing.
“Morning Angel you’re looking nice this morning.”
“Thanks I wanted something kind of comfortable with all the stuff I want to get done today.”
“Want help?”
“I’d love some help actually.”
She sips at her coffee and she joins me getting things ready but eating too. She cuts us the heel off the first loaf of bread and shares it with me bite by bite as we cook and set things out and we have a good time.
Then Mike’s the second one down and he’s in like competitive boxers trunks and that’s it….his long blonde hair is doing the exact same thing as Ravens is and he’s tanned all over but in that not too much but oh just right way and he’s got some kinda sorta way too interesting scars that look like they came from something violent or several somethings that were violent and…and…he has a tattoo…in this Incan sun design over and around his navel….
He smiles that smile that somehow make me feel scrambled in a good way and he gets a jug of orange juice out of the fridge and he pours himself a tall glass of it and starts to drink it in these somehow long and slow gulps that just…
My mouth’s dry and I turn away and Raven’s looking at me with this look. Kind of chewing on her lower lip a bit and then she files it away on me and there’s this part of me going …oh no you don’t what was that about?
Oh c’mon Angel you know what that’s about right.
Really?
I feel extra pent up right now. I like both, I want both I can’t have either of them.
Actually the more I think about it and think about it there is this sort of face palming head desking funny about the whole situation really.
And I’m going to go with that.
I pick up a slice of bacon and eat part of it and feed the other part to Raven. “Smile…”
She eats it and does that fake smile but she glances at Mike and I make crossed eyes at her when she looks back and she actually smiles. “You…”
“Uh-huh…screwed.” I whisper and that makes her laugh. “Okay, okay yeah…”
Mike’s looking at us like I used to look at girls when I got exposed to them talking in femilinguistic code.
Poor Mike, he looks like a dog that’s all lost and confused.
I can see him trying to puzzle out…what are they laughing about? Is it me, did I do something funny? Am I being something funny? Ow…my head.
“Uhm, everything smells great but uhm I’m going to go and just take a look around…”
“Okay!”
He leaves juice in hand and sticking his bare feet into his sneakers and he beats a retreat outside like it was really important.
I can’t help it but burst out laughing and Raven does too. She looks at me and keeps laughing but it’s slowing down to her just smiling. “Angel I didn’t mean to get all y’know it’s just I see you like this all the time and as much as I know the deal it’s just part of me just…see’s what it wants and seeing you and mike with this thing that you two have going it’s…”
“Uh-huh, yeah I’m screwed, it’s okay Raven, really.” I look at her though. “Unless this whole thing’s just getting too weird for you?”
“No…well it’s weird as hell but I’m good with the weird. It’s just honestly Angel you’re like one of the best women that I’ve ever known and it’s just…”
“You’re screwed.”
“Utterly?”
“So…?”
“So?”
“So have you thought about actually looking for a new girlfriend?”
She honestly looks surprised. I look at her in that serious kind of way. She’s looking at me like she’s trying to gauge something. “Are you asking because of Mike?”
“No, I’m asking because of you. We’ve danced around this enough to know that despite how much or a thing we have for each other there’s a large pile of stuff that we can’t get passed.”
“Okay but can I ask you something?”
“Sure, anything.”
“You ever ask yourself why you’re so good at all of this? Why you act like this and everything when most people in hiding or not would be freaking out.”
“All the time, especially with the whole me finding out that mike does things for me that I’d never normally admit to.”
“So…?”
“So?”
“You ever think about what you said to me? That promise that we made? You ever think about transitioning?”
Comments
Oh...
Oh... ummm... that's kinda some big question.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Yep and one that was there waiting to come out.
The only question is...Yes, No...Maybe?
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
"You ever think about transitioning?â€
Its the big question, isnt it? Myself, I'm pulling for her to be Angel as much as she can handle, but if she needs to keep some part of her boy life (or her boy bits), then as long as she's happy.
Isnt it funny how much one can pull for the happiness of a fictional character?
And that's why Bailey's a Great Writer!
Bailey's characters drag me in, amd make me care about them. You know they're fictional, but when bad things happen, it break your heart, or makes you angry, or depressed, or what ever. You empathize with them.
There are several writers here that do that to me. That's why I come here. I'm just in love.
Wren
Gosh:) Thank You Wren.
It'a also why I choose to write here.
Bailey Summers
It is a really big thing isn't it.
there is such huge thing that Jace/Angel/Jem has to figure out their feelings about.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey...A proud supported of team Dorothy.
Bailey Summers
Hmmm, if Angel say's yes
Hmmm, if Angel say's yes she's considering transitioning will Rayne make a move, I could practically hear the drips of dribble hitting the floor when Angel took in Mike visage in just his boxers.
Great chapter looking forward to Angel's answer, thanks for sharing Bailey.
Big hugs
Lizzie :)
Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p
That's one of the things now isn't it?
What will Raven do? And will Angel be any less attracted to Mike if transitioning?
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Well that is the 640000 dollar question
It does NOT mean Angel would need the surgery, absolutely not. In this case it will be more than likely a social transition firstly.
OTOH, the correct genitals would make those two relationships possible. Talk about upping the ante!
Kim
No she might not need the surgery but...
would they even need to transition? Aside from Raven not being able to change from who she is why should Angel if the love is there now? There's a lot to really consider:)
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Transition provides one thing
... and that is consistency. It is one thing for Jason to be gender flexible/fluid/queer but the vast majority of people, including LGBT instinctively prefer and expect consistency in that area of a person. With all due respect to crossdressers, that is why there is more difficulty of understanding why clothes is what matters. The majority of crossdressers would not want to dress for any longer for say around week at at time before being a 'man' again. I see that all the time at the end of gender conventions where there is a mixture of relief and sadness that they are done with another convention but looking forward to when they can do it again months later.
Jason can still have a penis and be transgender but then he faces all the difficulties that entails. To be blunt, if he is willing to have anal sex and Mike doesn't mind either than that does not matter. Problem is Mike will have to live with a person who potentially alternates genders a lot and remember, he is only really in love with the Angel persona at this time. He has not met the other person. When in public they would have to be a male couple in that form. And the dynamic between two gay men are different too as both know they are men and expect to behave as men. When out in public as a woman and man, that of course will require another change in dynamic. Personally I find that immensely stressful. A lot of (probably the majority) of wives of crossdressers are not happy about it and merely tolerant. Just like for transsexuals, you are asking the people around you to transition with you, in this case, back and forth all the time.
Crucially it will depend on what Jason wants and needs. Realistically, the story can end without Jason getting a partner at all. Raven and Mike can stay friends with Jason/Angel as needed and that will be that and Jason is young and can find somebody else that may tolerate his needs. It is not a happy ending but it is realistic. This could, if you are a star trek fan, a Kobiashi Moru, the no-win scenario. The odds of a real life Mike who would tolerate constant changes would be fleetingly rare imho.
One final possibility would be for Jason to just dump Angel but that would hurt the girls wouldn't it?
Kim
Once again you're so completely right Kim.
it's everything in your reply post plus aside from a bit of extra time at the start Raven doesn't know the Jason side any more than Mike and that might just lead Angel who really is Jason to stay alone.
It's really great tension:)
Great Comment!
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I didn't see that one coming
But I suppose I should have. If he did, would that give her a chance with Raven? I'm guessing there is gonna be a whole lotta thinkin' going on!
Wren
It's not something though you see asked a lot
In these stories. Usually the characters are in transition when we meet them but to choose?
*Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
oh yeah...
Angel has some thinking to do now.
great chapter, thanks
Really there's so much to think about...
This is a big thing and there's feelings to consider.
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Alright Bailey!!
Yeah! That's what I said! You're a smart guy, y'know?
And it's so cool with the story; more choices, more drama, like Kimmie says: Jem gets surgery means she could get with Raven or Mike. Of course, I'm for Angel getting with Raven.
1) She was there for Jem first.
2) They promised themselves to each other.
3) Mike's a superstud, will lead a charmed life and can get anyone he wants, (other than Jem) anytime.
4) Raven needs her. They have that music connection that's so important in each of their lives.
5) As lesbians, Jem, or any other womyn, and Rave would need outside help (for sperm) for kids, but they could used Jem's saved stuff.
6) As a couple, Jem and Mike have no used for Jem's saved sperm, but are short one womb, for bio-kids.
7) If Jem and Mike get together, Jem would be het and have to live that life. She'd be with all these other het gals that are with Mike's friends, etc. She'd be less. She'd at least get pushed toward being in that box by social pressure, Mike's relatives, etc. As a dyke, she could be more; and I like lezzies so much!!!!
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Case for Angel - Mike
I think Angel and Raven would rock as a couple. A part of me would be seriously happy to see that outcome... but... I'm going to ask the court to accept a submission on the case for Mike and Angel:
1) You can't choose when you meet the 'one'.
2) They have a serious emotional connection that is beyond words (yes, it's a cop out given how little the two have actually talked means that Renee has me beat on that one).
3) Mike's not really a superstud - though he is hot as in hawt - and we've seen he's far less confident than he projects. He's a superstud and a sweetie.
4) Mike and Angel have this 'oh...wow' type connection such as when she was watching Mike drink in the kitchen or when he caught her when she fell.
5) Adoption rocks. Given Jase's cancer treatment are kids even viable anyway?
6) I'll concede on the womb count but.... umm... y'know adoption rocks? (I'm winging that one a bit)
7) As a straight girl I'm contractually obligated to argue that straight girls are great and life in the box is good. ;-) Plus Mike's dad and Angel's dad go way back so the families would mesh well with no expectations.
Of course, I'm not doing well so far when it comes to backing the het couple when it comes down to the character having a choice of partners (my 'Samdon' backing in Bridges failed!!) so who knows. :-)
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Case for Jem
I feel someone needs to defends Angels maleness. He was happy being a guy except for well Adam and I really don't like the "you'd be better off as a girl" justification for a transition. This seems to be a slippery slope into girlhood, but I wonder if he wouldn't miss being a guy. You shouldn't have an operation so that someone can love you. If they can't take you as you are it isn't meant to be.
1) The one will accept you as you are
2) He never desired transitioning before, so that's not a decision to be made out of infatuation.
3) Who says he can't have a crossdressing gay love with Mike? Maybe Mike is bi...
4) If I remember Gwen Browns story about her own transition correctly it's not something you should do unless you really need it - and Angel/Jem obviously doesn't.
5) Being a guy isn't all bad and Jem has the built for a crossdresser if he needs to be feminine.
I hope whatever he does will make him happy in the end, but "love" as a reason for a transition seems somewhat wrong to me. If I can't love someone with his sexual organs, I still can love him/her as a brother/sister.
Bailey, thank you for writing another chapter of this awesome story,
Beyogi
All of these are valid points and opinions.
There are so many things to consider but Angel really needs to soul search to find these things out for themselves.
*Great Big HUGS*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Will it be Mike Bailey?
Who eventually determines Angel's future.
Does he know who Angel is, and if so will he not care and accept her for who she is? This may determine which way Jason swings?
Interesting times ahead in this story.
Good chapter, thank you Bailey.
Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)
LoL
Rita
There's some serious stuff going on for Angel.
Mike will come into play with all of these things but how much? And how?
Definitely interesting times ahead.
I think Jase/Angel would agree that's a curse.
Thanks Rita!
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Big question!
I suspect Angel's answer will be along the lines of he hasn't really thought much about it, or a flustered stumble to that effect. But it will get him thinking.
As for relationships, I'd say he's in love with Rayne, in lust with Mike. Mike's a temporary fixture, Rayne's far more long term - it's obvious the pair just 'click' but are avoiding commitment due to perceived notions of sexuality and the hitch that Angel's body doesn't match his personality / behaviour / mannerisms / clothed appearance (which all scream 'girl'!).
Transitioning - possibly in the long term, Angel may make formal steps along that route. However, 'transitioning' could also include the mindset switch to realise that for numerous reasons, the 'Angel' persona is becoming more than just play acting, more than just an undercover role that can be discarded once the Adam problem is dealt with. That will be the biggest step, realising he's more 'she' than 'he'. Any steps after that point are more-or-less a formality, but if (and it's a big if) he decided to transition, I'd imagine he would pluck up the courage to see someone about it rather than self-medicate. Heck, it may even be that his one surviving testicle is only producing a nominal amount of androgens (possibly to the extent of keeping them in balance with self-produced estrogens, neither achieving dominance). After all, while we've seen plenty of emotional reactions / responses to those around him, we aren't aware of any physical reactions / responses.
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Yes
I completely agree that Angel and Raven are head over heels in love with each other. And while Mike may be more than just lust I truly believe that the future should be Angel and Raven but its really up to Bailey how the story goes and I look forward to the adventures. Though as per last update Angels dad and Mike are in grave danger.
Bekah
Thanks Bekah:)
There's some pretty strong feelings about all of this from a lot of great people. Yourself included and there's some definite danger coming.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
If there was somebody to be Jase/Angel's shrink
right now You're high up there in the running. Angel really might need to have to see someone to talk to about all the things that you mentioned.
You gave me some other good points to think about Mittfh:)
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers