Jem…Chapter 126

Chapter 126

*Before…

I nod. “The way that I see it we’ve only got a few years…two.”
She nods. “Before Brook and Kim graduate.”
“Right…and I really do want them to go to college and I know I want to get things done too so there’s all that real life stuff so I want this…I want this for us…the glory days and playing in a band and scary concerts and fun and all of that but I want to build this for us too…for us but for the girls too so we’ve all got real cred when it happens.”
She nods again and she does that look me in the eyes and a long slow heart deep smile and she kisses me really…she does that thing that she does with her tongue that thing that makes my knee bend and all of that…then she breaks the kiss but doesn’t move away much farther than that.
“And that’s so one of the big reasons why I’m falling in love with you Angel.”

*And Now…
And that, Rayne saying that to me gives me a case of the yay, melty, good shivery feelings that just gets better and better and more intense as we are leaning on the van and she looked me in t yes and she kisses me really…

You ever been kissed in that way where there’s no doubt in you at all that the other person loves you?

I can feel all these wonderful, thrilling sensations and feelings…there was never like any thoughts in my head earlier with things like this. The feeling of being kissed, being held it sort of feels like this thing…like…like there’s this tactile thing of it’s going to be okay. And I’ve never really thought about being okay and feeling okay.

That was kind of a myth to me between the stuff at school, Adam and so much of my life being sick life wasn’t okay, losing Mom wasn’t okay.

And Rayne’s holding me making it okay.

Then there’s the kissing, the passion in it and the care in it…like she’s passing on her deepest feelings through kissing me and I love that feeling, I love that feeling of being wanted and connected.

And that’s not even with all the girl feelings as I can feel my skin so acutely, and I can feel what’s all those pleasure happy chemicals from love playing around with my brain as it’s getting hormones I can actually use and it’s all sending all these signals through me. The feeling of my hair, the nipples…ow…yay…ow…the way her touch feels.

God, the way my heart is beating.

We part from the kiss and I curl my fingers into her jacket and do this long exhale with a little shiver as I hang onto her. I look at her and lose myself a little in her eyes and then she smiles and kisses me again but lightly. Then she says. “I want to go home.”

I nod. “Home’s sounding pretty awesome right now.”

Rayne open’s my door to the van since we’re right there beside it and I get in and she whispers in my ear. “I want to do sweet things to you.”

Ow…that sent this mental/emotional jolt through me that seems to have settled right in my chest and I swear I feel it in my tiny not really there chest and especially in my nipples…they feel pinched but not…a little hot, achy, wanting out from the inserts and things and well there’s other parts of me.

Well sort of that part (Blushes Dysphorically.) but the other…inside there thinking about her touch. God…do girl hormones make you horny?

I don’t know but Rayne is definitely making me feel things tonight.

She gets in the van and the others seem to know that we’re wanting some alone time and we head off and there’s no side trips and there’s no just going for a drive after the dancing we just go home.

Honestly it’s kind of exactly what I wanted too.

We park backing in and we head inside after we lock things up and I’m getting the keys into the door when Rayne’s hands slip around me and she starts nibbling and kissing on my neck and making my giggle because it’s wet and it’s stuff I’m not remotely used to y’know and it’s kind of just.

It’s me being able to be fun having teenaged me.

My breath does this thing, stop catch when her hand slips over mine and helps me get the key in.

I bite my lip.

Deep breath.

I’m not even sure but at the same time I’m wondering about it and I know that was something that her and Summer used to do.

“You’re good at slipping it in Rayne…gentle…” I blush, I blush because I just said that and I said it trying to be sexy and trying to be coy and stuff but really I just feel like I’m this giant spazz when it comes to stuff like this.

“Angel?” I turn my face to look at hers and she has this questioning look and there’s this glimmer there too of something else.

“You still have that helping in bed thing you had before…?”

She swallows and she nods. “Are you?”

Way bolder than I feel I kiss her and open the door as I’m doing so and I head inside. “Well I am your girlfriend right and I think that I might be ready.”

“But you…”

“Well yeah at least until after I’ve had surgery.”

She steps into the house behind me and she closes the door behind her hard and she walks over to me hard and she takes my head in her hands and she kisses me and we keep kissing until we’re going up the stairs with me going backwards and there’s some stumbles but those seem to make it better and she’s really excited.

Like I can feel her heat coming off of her skin and I can smell how excited Rayne is.

No…. not that but okay like that a little but it’s off her skin…that sex thing, that wild pheromone thing.

We get to our room and as soon as we’re through the clothes are coming off and we’re getting busy doing that for and to each other and it’s such a relief to get the bra taken off and the inserts taken off and the liquid bandage pulled off…I groan because it feels good in both that sexy way and that whole itchy and achy way and Rayne’s rubbing them and it’s just right, it’s so much right.

And then my fingers are moving through her hair as her mouth is taking my nipples inside of her and it hurts and it feels so electric good at the same time and she makes me…her hands touching and caressing and her fingers doing this fine little strokes over the flesh and then trace just over and barely over my nipple on the unmissed breast and then there’s the flicker of her thumb over it.

“Nnnnnghn…Rayne…..” I pop and hard enough my knees give and my arms wrap around Rayne’s neck and my voice trail off and she actually does that stronger than she looks thing and scoops me up by my bottom and carries me to the bed.

She lays me down on our bed and that is just, it’s like romantic time one hundred and we’re kissing over and over and she went to reach under our bed and I stop her.

“I want to go and get ready okay?”

She looks at me and then she has that look like she just got what I meant. “Okay, I’ll do the same too…I want this to be good for you, I want it to be romantic.”

I nod… “But first…”

“First?”

I shimmy from underneath her down and off the bed onto my knees and I peel off her panties and I kiss her mound and then trace my mouth over her labia and then slowly start to pay sweet loving attention to her there and sort of slowly turn her and us around as I do and when she’s cumming fast for me and she’s very in the zone as I do more and go for more…it’s such a huge thing for me to know her like this, I am getting to know where she likes to be touched, where she likes the stroke of a fingertip or a kiss or a lick or a suckle.

It’s important to me that we are like this and we have a good connection like this. And yeah it might be a little bit of pride that I want to be better than Summer.

I sink fingers in and use then as I lick and suckle up along her edges until she shivers in the whole body way and she flows more for me and then I use both hands…no not like that but yes…I slip the index finger of my right hand inside and curl it behind her clit and keep that back of my fingers pressed to one side to help keep her open as my other hand just gently uses the thumb to hold back the other side of her exposing Rayne’s… “There she is…your little solo act…let’s see if I can make her sing.”

And I’m blushing really red even if there’s no one to see it and I’m down between her thighs with her legs over my shoulders…it’s sexy and dirty talk and I feel like I’m never going to be used to saying stuff like that.

But it is really a whole lot easier to get to all these other spots inside of her and touch and lick all those sensitive places and then even to use this thing that I’m finding always gets her and that’s using the fingertip curled in behind to rub in that spot while I lick the other side.

She fists my hair…not pulling it but yeah two handfuls seriously scrunched up and she has these three little spasms and I know it’s three because her heels sort of are thumping on my back in unison.

And I know it’s not three separate o’s but just one of those wavy ones…just kind of tells me that there’s a lot more alike between guys and girls even physically than a lot of people will admit to.

I lean back when he legs go limp and she’s panting and I stand and smile at her then lean over and kiss her.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I get some of my things and hold them to my chest then I head to the bathroom and it’s still foggy from someone being in there and I can hear music coming from Carmen’s room and I can hear Kim on the phone in her room and Brooklyn’s downstairs and I can hear Mike too.

“I’m using the bathroom and shower.” I call out just so they know and I head inside and I close and lock the door.

Getting cleaned up that way is more details than I’m really going to go into but it…it freaked me out, it freaked me out and I cried a little and my hands shook and it wasn’t a horrible think either it was just a thing…it was a reality of me if this was going to be a part of my life until surgery thing and it was so very much this whole sort of I’m a virgin thing too.

It was just hyper intense really…and scary…but I got through it.

I’m a trans girl there’s a lot of stuff that we have to get through.

One of the things though that helped was Jenna and the fact that she’s like me and she’s married, and she’s with a guy and she’s able to deal…hell she’s happy. So I can be happy too right?

Right.

And it was that determination that got me through it the rest of the way and into the shower and getting washed and shaved…well a run over with the razor just in case and just to be well y’know extra smooth and soft and I use lotion on myself before I dry off and rub that in and then I blow dry and do my hair…nothing fancy just me really only not the way I have my hair done for the stage but down and relaxed and I do just this little barely there touch of eyeliner and pencil but I do go for lipstick. I’ve this PVC pink gloss that looks like shiny deep pearly pink that I’ve been wanting to try and after that I slip into my bra and underpants and tuck and use my inserts and I head back to our room and Brooklyn and Mike are heading to Brooklyn’s room and Mike’s staring.

I blush.

She gives Mike a thump in the ribs and pulls his wrist taking him inside and he gives me a grin at the last minute and says. “Have fun you look great Angel.”

And I could tell he meant it.

And given that Mike knows.

That’s a pretty great ego boost really.

I slip into our room and the lights are low and Rayne has some of the scented candles lit and there’s some soft music playing, Sarah McLaughlin and I smile at her. She looks so amazing there waiting for me with her hair all sex tumbled and her skin with that glow that she has and she’s on her side with just the covers on over her waist and her breasts are bared and looking so amazing and I take a breath just as I can’t help but to take her in.

“Hey.”

“Hey beautiful.” She says to me making me smile and blush and she invites me over to the bed. I go and I slip into our bed and we kiss and kiss then we go to touching and she takes my bra and inserts out again.

I wanted the look, I know I just got out of them but I wanted the look. I wanted her to see me as I want to be y’know.

Rayne’s hand moves to my panties and I look at her. “Don’t…can you do this with them on?”

She nods. “Sure, anything Angel.”

I don’t feel it, not that at first because she uses her fingers and a condom first and there’s lube…I notice she has a towel down in the bed. “A towel?”

“Experience, it can be a little lube messy and I’d rather not sleep in it.”

“Good point, sorry I didn’t want to break the mood…oh…”

Rayne suckles on my right breast and she sinks fingers in and that shuts me up with a good shiver.

We go on from there…

Without going into the gory details it was good…really good and more than I expected really. It hurt event though I was prepped and lubed for the first while and then it was slowly better and better. Then there was this point where we got into the rhythm and she was definitely enjoying herself and I was…I was too but it’s such a strange way of feeling, of experiencing it all.

I hadn’t seen it and the blankets were around us and hiding it all which I think helped me immensely and there was a point where despite my not wanted anatomical stuff I had my legs wrapped over her hips and I felt like a girl…I mean I felt that…I sank into the fantasy of it all.

One thing was really clear and a big relief though.

I wanted it, that and I wanted it from Rayne. Not a guy, no fantasies of having sex with a man or anything like that I wanted her and I was in the moment as far as that goes even if I was into the fantasy of being post op.

And I learned that somehow, someway that this using that and doing that with that to me was good for Rayne too.

And the thought of that is still super blush inducing to me.

And yes I got ‘there’ twice more once was pretty normal for that kind of thing but the other one was so much more budding breast yays meets something else and it sort of felt like popping but nothing came from it like physically but it was definitely something. I was panting and breathless when Rayne took the thing and the towel and wrapped it all up and tossed it off the bed once we had a clean-up sort of wipe down.

Then we snuggled and cuddled and even kissed and giggled a little as we could hear the same sounds as what we were doing repeating in different ways through the house.

It was really well beyond nice to curl into Rayne and sleep.

I think the thing that I liked about this beyond the physical stuff was being so open to her and so vulnerable to her and it was like I opened up my chest and showed her my heart and she loved me anyways.

*……………….. I was woken up by a kiss and the smell of coffee and I open my eyes and they feel…okay maybe the little bit of make-up I did use wasn’t the best of ideas after the fact and I can and I feel what’s likely my lipstick sort of semi-gluing my cheek to my pillow case.

“Morning…wow…I really shouldn’t have worn the make-up.”

She kisses me. “You looked amazing last night and thank you for wearing the make-up.”

“Okay worth it. What time is it?”

“Quarter to six. I have to go to work today.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure, when it really gets to the point Angel when the steady gig’s look like they’re really steady then maybe I’ll drop Hell-mart.”

She’s not showered yet and she brought the coffee up in one of those big sized coffee bowl mugs and we’re sharing it as she sits on the bed.

“Good idea…I just really loved having you home yesterday.”

“I liked being here too.” We share a coffee kiss and I sit up and lean on her on the edge of our bed. I yawn and she smiles at me. “You can go back to bed Angel you don’t have to get up with us.”

“No, I do because I want to get up and even after everything we did last night I slept like a log. Let me wash my face and stuff and I’ll start breakfast and everything.”

“You sure?”

I kiss her and slip her some tongue making Rayne do the inhale a big breath of yay surprise through her nose for a change and I keep kissing her as I get up and then walk backwards taking her hand by the fingertips and walking backwards pulling her up and off the bed.

“C’mon gorgeous.”

I stop just long enough to get my bra and inserts and get them in and then change my panties and grab my Hamilton Steelheads jersey and slip it on and it’s still wonderfully baggy on me and I walk with Rayne to the bathroom and I do a quick wipe off down there from the rest of the stuff from last night and then fix my face and while Rayne slips into the shower I retouch my make-up and stuff and just a little mirror primp to make sure I look cute this morning.

And I’m doing it mostly because I can and some if for her and some’s actually because it’ll make Brook groan when she notices me being all like together this early.

I slip back to my room and get a pair of sweat pants on and then head downstairs after I grab our laundry and stuff and make the bed. It sounds like a lot but it’s not that much. Our comforter and quilts stay and it’s pulling off the sheets and putting new ones on and we don’t use fitted sheets.

I’d much rather tuck the bottom sheet under the mattress than deal with those things they never stay on.

Then it’s just making the bed. What can I say I like things in a neat sort of way and more than that I like things done.

Done for me is a really good thing.

I head down and I get myself a coffee and I dig things out for the morning. The leftovers are mostly done so I get some of the other things like some celery sticks and baby carrots and into a zip lock sandwich baggy they go and I do the same with an apple but I add a teaspoon of sugar and some cinnamon and toss those and bag them and the a small container of yogurt for Rayne’s and while that’s going on I cook sausages…two whole packages and I dump them into a pot at a rolling boil to one unthaw fast and two so that the grease gets cooked out of them and I toss some butter, the ends of the celery diced up with the leaves and some onion into a bowl and a can of white beans and a can of tomatoes and let it cook in the microwave on high while I’m making toast.

Well I’m making toast and I’m making garlic bread and taking out Tupperware dishes and I’ve another pot of water on stove getting hot and then make another pot of coffee.
I drain the sausage and half goes into the frying pan and the other half goes back into the pot I just used to cook them in and I add a knob of butter and use a knife and tongs to cut the sausages in the pot up into thirds and I let them go until they’re browning and then I take the butter and beans and celery and onions and such all cooked really hard in the microwave and add it to the sausage and I add a can of tomato paste and a can of tomatoes a shot of Worcestershire sauce and some paprika and a shake of nutmeg then a little fresh thyme and the whole pot goes on a back burner to simmer while everyone will be getting ready.

Yup I made really fast and really cheating cassoulet.

It’s ten after six and by the time the girls are up and ready to come down it’ll have actually had close to an hour simmering slowly on the stove. And it’s a big pot of it really a full Dutch oven’s worth so that’ll be dinner to.

I tend to the sausages in the frying pan and I’m just cooking them until they get browned nicely and I start on the oatmeal.

I use rolled oats and steel cut oats and I got both at the bulk place in town and I take out my non-stick pan and I toast them and toss them in the pan and then I put them in a bowl and then I do the same with some almond slices and some walnuts too and take my time.

I can hear the others getting up and getting ready for the morning and I grin around my mug of coffee as I hear Kimmie up and likely after a Red Bull doing her drumming…it must have been a good night for Brooklyn too because she’s playing along with her with her guitar and they’re playing. *Now You’re Messing With.* By Nazareth and Brook’s singing it.

I hear two stumble thumps that I’m guessing is Carmen and Molly since they’re not used to this at all and I see Mike looking bright eyed and freshly showered sticking his head into the kitchen and sniffling the air. “Holy Moley Angel that smells good.”

“Which the breakfast or the cassoulet?”

“That’s what that is? I’ve never had it but it smells great.” He comes in and he’s looking in the pot and he stops and he does a double take at the clock. “You made this, this morning?”

I nod and pour then pass him a coffee. “Sure.”

“How?”

“Outrageous pink haired girl magic.” I quip.

Mike nods. “I’m…I’m actually going to believe that Angel, seriously that’s really cool. So that’s supper tonight?”

“No, we’re playing tonight so the big dinner and a light supper so we’re not all bloaty feeling while playing and stuff.”

“Okay so…?”

“Yes, I’ll have some for you to take to school today if you have classes.”

He comes over and he gives me one of those hugs like he’s Abominable and I’m Bugs Bunny.

“Thank you you’re awesome.”

*Sigh* “I know it’s my cross to bear.”

He grins and I give him a push off. “Make yourself useful since you halfway live here and get out the jam and the cream and all the things for the table while I make more toast.

“Sure Angel.”

We sort of slip into this comfortable rhythm with the two of us and it’s like we’re family, we’ve certainly became a whole lot closer after things had started getting intenser and everything.

The others are coming down and I take the sausages off to rest and turn off the cassoulet to cool and for the flavors to rest and I take out the toasted oatmeal and I start by putting a knob of butter in the boiling water. I know, it sounds weird but oats like some fat and some salt too and there’s both in the butter and I dump in the steel cut oats first and give then the longer exposure to the water and then I stir those over and over adding the rolled oats and keep stirring it and I actually tilt the pot and stir and whip it getting air into it and it starts to pop and bubble but I keep it going and it’s sort of like trying to make risotto I want some of the starch off of the oats to make them creamy and smooth.

When it’s where I want it I take it off the heat and add it the toasted nuts and I put the pot on the table with a pot holder under it so it doesn’t scorch the table and grab some rains and cranberries from the pantry in case people want them and brown sugar too.

Then everyone’s down and coming in with Brook and Kimmie heading passed the food for coffee and both look showered and the there’s Carmen and Molly and while Molly looks semi-sort-of awake Carmen has serious bed head and she’s looking at Brooklyn and Kimmie like she’s very unenthused and the last one in is Rayne but she’s done and ready and dressed for her shift at Wal-Mart.

She does this really big smile and an inhale of the smells of the kitchen and we kiss and I get her a coffee and we all sit down around the table and start eating and sharing things and passing things and it’s good. We’re talking some about classes and about tonight’s gig and what we’re going to play and Molly’s talking about getting some more work done for our pages and the site if that’s cool with us if she stays over and stuff and Rayne says she can use some of her clothes if she wants to wear until she can get some stuff from her place and she says that she has to head over to her place and she still has classes at the community college to go to and Mike offers to drive her over and she accepts.

Carmen’s staying here with me and she looked at the food then made a face and got another coffee and then grumbled and gave Molly a really decent kiss that left her blushing and went out onto the back step with her coffee to smoke.

It’s all a rush really but I pack Rayne, Brooklyn and Kimmie their lunches and I make Mikes up next and I even pack one for Molly too… yeah it’s cassoulet in a washed out and recycled Cool-whip container and I put some masking tape around it to hold the lip on and two slices of toast made into garlic bread and that’s wrapped in paper towels and in a plastic shopping bag but she looks at me and she bites her lip.

“Why are you guys so good to me?”

I give her a hug. “Because you’re Molly and Molly is awesome.”

She tucks her head and instead of the hurt that simmers under the surface there’s a bit of a blush there and a bit of a smile too. She gives me a hug. “Thanks Angel…” She says it softly and stuff but she still said it and I’m kind of really yay about that.

She leaves with Mike and I get hugs all around and I walk Rayne out to the van and she gets in and we kiss over and over a few times before she leaves too and I head back inside and run really hot water and dish soap in the sink and let things cool and soak and then slip through the house gathering laundry and get that on and then I come go and get a coffee and one of the guitars and I stay inside as it’s a little too cold for the step this morning and I’m just playing but not singing just messing around with some tune ideas that I’m still playing around with when Carmen comes downstairs looking showered and serious.

I stop and look at her and she’s taking a drink of her coffee and she’s wiping tears away from her eyes with the back of her hand and she looks at me.

(Sniffle-cough.) “You might want to get something to like record this on…” (Sniffle.)

I get up and set the guitar down and go over and pull her into a hug and she plants her face into my abdomen and I just give her a hug as she’s starting to cry.

“In a bit honey, its okay I’ve got you…you’re safe…”

(Sniffle-whine) “Promise…..?” She looks up at me from my wet jersey middle and I saw her with dad and I’m getting teary myself and I hold my own pinky up for her.

(Sniffle.) “Promise.”