Jem…Chapter 88

Chapter 88

 

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Author's Note: Picture used with permission from *lavonia on deviantart.

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Chapter 88
 

*Angel…………

I cry and I cry…and I hate that I’m crying.

And the fact that I hate that I’m crying is playing hell with my head too. If I am a girl then crying should be okay.

I know that I should be more of an adult about this and that I should step back and look at things in a better way but I…

I can’t…?

I mean with things like they’ve been with Rayne and me I mean I thought, I thought that she and I were good despite the sort of fits and starts that we went through just getting together and now.

What if deep down she’s still thinking, feeling…

And she said it.

~Fucking guys…~

More crying because it just really hurts and I might not have been Angel for that long but it’s been long enough to lower my guard down.

I’ve had my guard up every since I was back from the hospital.

Try being the freaky sick cancer kid and being smaller and weaker that the other kids even the girls and missing out on classes and getting to know people and all the social bonding that all the other kids got to do.

Nothing like being an outsider in your own home town, the new kid three years running. Then bald and not able to do stuff while I wasn’t in the hospital or over doing it sometimes and passing out at school just trying to keep up.

And it’s a really small place, I mean word gets around and stuff so I’m pretty sure that the fact I lost something that was considered…yeah born to be a freak.

PAIS….the words and what they told me makes so much sense really but as much as I was kind of only using the hormones my messed up body could put out was what made me feel stuff so much all the time well…I shut a lot of myself down as Jason just trying to survive and get through the hell of school and the bullies and stuff.

I mean I’ve walked away from stuff like what Adam did to me at Lucky’s and I shrugged it off. I was armored up but right now?

I thought that I was safe!

I thought that okay, I can breathe and that they actually give a shit and I was doing a good thing too by being here.

But what if Rayne isn’t able to see me or what if she actually deep down doesn’t want to? I’ve done a lot of reading online about being transgendered and stuff and being trans and how we can be in a lesbian relationship. But there are a whole lot of stories about the other side of this thing too and how it breaks up families and marriages and relationships.

Then there’s this whole line of prejudice that’s just effing maddening because I just can’t feel other than how I feel and the same for the others and they come down on us like we’re invaders like this hell that we live with is just some fad or a phase or even more retarded a plot!?

Yep…done crying…

Getting kind of angry now.

It just, it’s just…what if despite everything that I’ve done or that I’ve tried as angel that I’ve just been deluding myself and the others are just going along with me out of pity? I pass okay but what does that really mean huh? It just means that I can look like a girl right and that my hormones have been screwed up all of my life but so what right?

I mean it’s not like I was raised one, it’s not like all the hormones and surgery will make it true either right?

I roll out of bed and wipe at my eyes and I stomp-limp across my room to start looking through the boxes and bags with some of the stuff that I used to own and try to find something, just something that’s just not so damned girly.

And…

Then it just, the clothes that I’m wearing are just making me feel more hurt and more pissed off and I tug everything off fast trying to get out of them and I even scream and throw my fake boobs against the wall and I find a sort of pair of boxers…actually they’re girl boxers but it’s the closest thing that I found and my Steelheads jersey and pair of my Boston Celtics basketball shorts, the long legged type not those too short ones from like the eighties.

I carry it all and I head to the shower and turn it on really hot and I scrub and try and get the girl off…all the make-up and the deodorant and the body spray and just all of it.

I’m not sure how long I was looking in the mirror either debating on finding a way to dye my hair or to maybe even cut it too. I was really, really close to doing it too.

Why not?

Because whatever is going on with me I said I’d help, that I’d help them keep going until they found a replacement.

A replacement.

Maybe I got too carried away with this whole Jem thing.

I stare at myself in the mirror and I don’t do a thing with my hair just leave it barely towelled off and change into my boy clothes. I am less and less happy with who was still there looking back at me in the mirror.

Me, him, her….

Whatever I am!?

I could have done a lot of stupid shit, a lot of people would actually and I swallow down the urges like smashing the mirror or finding a razor…I’m not like that but I think sometimes, sometimes we get shoved at that whole too much so fuck it place.

I can’t do that to Dad and I won’t do that to the girls…besides, I play, I love music and it’s my way out…it always has been I kill the lights and I head down stairs and I grab a guitar and get it tuned and I get a playlist I’ve been working on for myself and I plug in and I start playing along with it.

This in a mix of metal and hard, hard rock it’s stuff I listen too or used to but it’s also stuff I like to play along with great riffs here and there and it’s my release track. I had to sort of remake it since I lost that between disappearing as Jason and coming back as Angel so it’s not quite the same but it’s still right what I need right now.

*Killing in the name of…* By Rage against the machine is the very first one up and the tune itself well sort of rap sort of not it’s more really for my mood …getting me worked up as I pace along with the song, with the singer on his stage and when it gets to that point…like a minute or so before the defiant chant there’s this lick that just begs to be jumped in on.

Nodding my head, playing along and then the lyrics of that part….

I’m yelling it along with them and it’s all this shit…it’s Adam pushing me around, it’s being treated like shit at school it’s the world trying to tell me that I have to be one way or another way everyone has a effing opinion and all I want…all I want is what’s mine, what’s my voice!

……….. “Fuck you! I won't do what you tell me!
Fuck you! I won't do what you tell me!
Fuck you! I won't do what you tell me!
Motherfucker!
Uggh!”…………..

It ends and I’m amped up and as soon as the next song hit’s its with the machinegun drums and the guitar is cranking out at high speed and I’m right there jumping in and while I’m not singing along with James I’m head nodding along with it.

*Battery* By Metallica it’s a good fast song with pretty great guitar.

*Seek and Destroy* By Metallica yes again and it’s a good song for when you’re really pissed at something and I used to jam and air guitar to this when I was living at home and stuff just got that bad at school I needed to vent something out.

*You’ve got another thing coming* Judas Priest another great hard band that’s actually to me almost more hard classic rock that really heavy metal. Great grove to the guitar here in this too.

*Ace of Spades.* By Motorhead… Faster, thrashing my head and my hair…not a whole lot more to say…oh yeah Lemmy is God.

*Walk* By Pantera a really powerful song if some people would look past metal and give it a chance.

“Hurt” That awesome song by Johnny Cash yeah well that’s a cover song, him covering the heavy metal band Nine inch Nails.

*Stargazer* By Rainbow…..I will always say no matter what other songs I’m into that Rainbow is a very, very under appreciated band. Not so much a heavy metal band but this is one of those bands that was graced by Dio. Ronny James Dio is one of those artists that if I could ever really afford to I would collect in vinyl.

This is the guy who literally invented the rock devil horns.

Yeah I’m seriously rocking out and just because it seems like it’s all guys it’s not.

*Bleed Like Me.* By Garbage is on here too.

*Why do you love Me.* Another tune by Garbage so many good tunes so underrated.

*Spell.* By Barbe-Q-Barbies is another decent tune by a band that I think shows a ton of talent and it’s actually a pretty great jam.

*HighsChool* By The Heathers they’re a all girl metal band that I actually like because the girls still bring it and the lead singer doesn’t seem to think that because she’s a girl that she has to sound like she’s trying out for the exorcist.

And yeah that’s how they spelled the song title.

*Devil in Stiletto’s* Is another song By The Heathers and really good band sound on that one too. You have to have it right, you have to be able to play and sing. Even Adele has a great band with her as she sings.

And of course thinking of that of Adele sends me to thinking about Rayne and how she belts out those vocals and everything and I’ve got tears starting again by the end of the song and I feel still kind of mad but kind of getting there where the playing pulls all that shit out and you feel limp, limp but cleaner.

The next song though is perfect for burning through stuff from the absolutely perfect intro of the guitar anthem styled opening to Bruce Dickenson in your face challenging vocals as I head bob and play things out to *The Trooper* By Iron Maiden.

I’m right into it when Rayne comes home and she comes to the living room and she leans for a few seconds head against the doorjam from here to the main hallway. Her eyes are red and puffy and her make up is a total disaster.

She goes from there to the couch and she’s still staring at me and she looks miserable honestly and I hate that she does but I also hurt you know…I’m looking at her and it hurts because I love her so much and she called me…

I play out the song and she pulls her legs up and tucks them to herself and watches me play and when I’m done I open my bottle of coke from the other night on the coffee table and I drink about a third of it because I’m yeah thirsty but I’m trying to kill the lump in my throat.

“Angel…”

I stop and I hit pause on the computer and stop the track I’ve been using.

I’m aching and I’m hurt more than angry but there still more than enough there that… “Don’t you mean Jason?”

She’s staring at me and she’s biting her lip. “No…No I didn’t?”

“Are you sure? I mean really sure or are we going to have a fight again and you’ll slap me across the face with that again.”

“I was mad Angel, it just came out!” She’s yelling but not mad yelling but upset yelling.

“I was mad too and I was hurting, like in actual physical pain Rayne It wasn’t funny!” and I’m yelling too since there’s nothing like one person doing it to get the other one doing it.

“I know I’m sorry!”

“I was in pain before I went in there! I was scared that I was sick again!”

“I know! But you freaked out and you were angry at me and I…I’m not going there anymore Angel I’m not I’ve gone through being angry at my whole life!”

“Well so have I! You don’t think that I’m hurting too? I have scars inside to y’know!”

“Yes, I fucking know we’re all fucking damaged! At least you have a family that cares, that gave a shit instead of you being born a second class fucking person!”

“I know what that’s like too Rayne, I’ve never been accepted either and I can’t go home so I lost that too and here…here just when I fucking thought I was going to maybe be okay, maybe be safe you come along after all my walls got taken down and you hit me with that!”

“I didn’t mean too! T’bernacle Angel I-did-not-mean-it!”

“Bullshit! You looked right at me and you said. “Fucking guys.” Like I’m still one of them. Well guess fucking what Rayne I’ve never been one, can’t I’m not even built for it!”

“You were yelling at me! You were yelling and I saw red…I wasn’t thinking!”

“Like I said? So we have another fight is it going to happen again?”

“No! No! It won’t happen again. It won’t. I love you!”

“You love me or the whole idea of it? Angel’s is great on paper or on stage but Angel’s just not Angel I can’t erase what I am! I can’t make who I was go away and neither can you!”

“I love you dammit! You!”

“I can’t help but to question that y’know…I thought I was safe here…I though that I was done getting hurt!”

“I thought I was safe too….” She stops yelling and she’s crying but she’s looking at me and I’m looking back at her…I drink the rest of my coke just to get the lumps out of my throat again.

She’s looking at me. “Look angel I thought I was done too, I thought that I was safe and that I was with someone that really loved me. Like that deep down for real love.”

My jaw’s clenched and I’m trying to hold onto my mad on and trying to just not cave but she’s talking quieter now and there’s these make-up stained tears running down her cheeks again and she’s looking me right in the eyes.

“Angel me and my dad…we never got along, I never got along with a lot of my family just because I’m a girl and not one of their doormats…we fought and they treated me like garbage because I wouldn’t just fall into line with things there….when I met summer everything clicked into place in all the stuff I was feeling…and I took all of the stuff with her because…because she was all I had, she ended up being my rock and my world then…even with her bullshit and I took it because I thought that’s what my life was going to be like.”

“I never, ever treated you that way.” (Sniffle.) Dammit…I didn’t want to cry right now.

“I know if anything you’ve really been the best thing that has ever happened to me. And when we had the fight I lost it…I lost control because….”

“Because…?” (Sniffle.)

“Because you’re not like them, you’re not like them and I was safe only I don’t know what that is and the way that we are…I’ve never been…been this in a relationship and when we had the fight it was like my fucking dad took over and I went for whatever would hurt the most.”

“It hurt Rayne, it still hurts.”

“I know, I know it hurts and I don’t know why I went there. I don’t know how to be in a good relationship…”

“Well…well you better fucking learn okay…”

She looks surprised and I turn off the computer and set the guitar back in its spot and I walk away and I start going upstairs.

She’s following me and stops at the foot of the stairs. “Do you forgive me?”

“Yeah, it doesn’t mean I like you still very much right now Rayne…”

I head to my room and I pack a bag with some things and yes they’re my regular clothes and my meds too and I get my phone and I call dad.

“Hello?” I got him at the shop phone.

“Mr. Powers?”

“Angel! Hey what’s going on?”

(Sniffle.) “Rayne and I had a fight and I need some space…can i…Can I stay other tonight?” I’m saying this like this because it’s safer and since Adam pretty much owns the town cops who the hell knows if dad’s lines aren’t tapped with them looking for Jason.

But what I’m really asking is Daddy can I come home?

“Yeah okay you want me to come and get you honey?”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…that might be the best thing right now…”

“Bad?’

“Yeah…I…I don’t want to talk about it over the phone okay…”

“Okay honey…okay…I’ll be right over.”

I grab my acoustic and I head downstairs and Rayne’s there looking at me her eyes on my bag.

Brooklyn and Kimmie are home now too. They look like they sort of got filled in some on what’s going on but not a whole lot. Kim looks hurt and confused and Brooklyn too and she’s way more on the side of hurt because she’s hugging herself but trying to make it look like she’s pissed and crossing her arms.

It just hurts to be involved in this and hurting them like this.

“Angel…” Rayne’s looking at me. “Look please lets just talk.”

“I can’t Rayne, I can’t okay it just hurts too much still okay and we need space.”

“I’m not breaking up with you.” She has this stubborn look on her face.

I look at her but bite my lower lip and take a step around her. “Good because you need to take a good long look at the stuff you told me Rayne…I’m sorry for saying what I said too. It was really childish and it was stupid…”

“See you’re even we can all just talk and chill out.” That’s Kim and she’s looking at me pleadingly.

“Kim, I’m sorry I just need some time?”

Brooklyn glares at me and I look back at her and I don’t try to do something like match her stare for stare but I just let her see that I’m hurt…I’m hurt and right now I’m tired and I just….

“You’ll be here for the gig Tuesday night?”

“I’ll be here for rehearsal too.”

“Okay…” I can tell she’s hurt and pissed at both of us more than likely but she’s my friend too and I can see that in her eyes as she sets how much it’s hurting her aside and she gives me a hug.

I hug her back. (Tiny-sniffle-sob.) “I’m sorry…”

She just nods and The Kim is hugging me hard. “You promised, you promised you’d be back for rehearsal okay?

“I will I promise.”

“Good we’re not the butt-heads it’s you two.”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…”

She hugs me like that right up until Dad comes and it’s a struggle for me not to cry with Kim or just break down and say everything’s alright even when it’s not.

Why can’t I just pretend that things are just alright?

I’m almost right back to bawling when I hear dad’s truck pull up and I get squeezed extra hard by Kim and hugged by Brooklyn and Rayne’s wiping at her eyes and there’s this minute that lasts a thousand of awkward hurting silence between us and I step out the front door backwards before I lose it completely.

I turn and I run to the truck and I get in throwing myself pretty much and I look at the house and… (Sniffle-big-sob.) “Go Dad…please can we just go…?”

He pulls us out of the yard and I don’t know why that it is but there is this part of me that’s hurt a little more that she didn’t come out after me and saying…asking me not to go.

*Brooklyn…………

It’d been an okay day really school was well school and that’s actually been better this year than it has for me ever really with SLB being pretty well known with the girls and stuff at school and some of the guys too but it’s also things are looking way up.

I’ve got money in my pocket and in my accounts and I made it myself and it’s not some hand out or allowance like some of the other kids. I have recognition that I’m a songwriter and a professional musician with the papers and everything and I have a killer sweet and handsome boyfriend.

Things are really good.

Which is why I was kind of not as shocked as I should be or as much as Kim was when we got home and we could hear Angel and Rayne yelling at each other through the front door.

There is always something.

No we didn’t catch all of it and when we walk in angel is just headed upstairs.

I look at Rayne. “Okay…what happened?”

“We…we’re having a fight.”

“Durr, I can see that what happened?”

“I said something that I really shouldn’t have.”

Kim is biting her lip and she looks ready to cry already. “Why what happened? Is Angel going to be alright?”

Rayne leans on the wall looking tired. “Yes she’s alright sort of…The cancer’s not back but they found out that she is PAIS.”

I look at her. “That sounds bad, is that bad like ALS?”

She shakes her head. “No, from what I could get Angel doesn’t use her hormones right like…Jason doesn’t have the right stuff to be like other guys.”

“So that’s why they’re Angel?” Kim asks.

“Maybe.” She shrugs.

I’m nodding. “Hard to feel and be like all the other guys when you’re not one of the other guys.”

She nods. “Something like that but I don’t know if that’s linked to her wanting to be a girl.”

“Okay…so why the fight?”

“She had her ball wedged in somewhere wrong and the Dr. fixed it….she was hurting and bent over like she was cramping and I kind of brought up that it’s like how it feels like when we have a period.”

Kim’s nodding. “Okay, yeah I can see that.”

Me I’m already shaking my head. “No, it’s actually not Kim, if Angel’s really serious about this she’s already really self conscious about us having all the girl stuff that she doesn’t. It’s kind of a dig.”

Kim’s looking at me and Rayne. “Oh c’mon it’s just a period they hurt and they smell and their gross but they’re not a really big deal.”

I shake my head. “I’ve been reading up on the whole being transgendered thing…and most of the stuff that I’ve seen that as bad as we say it is for us and as much as we kind of blow it off with ourselves it’s a really big deal for them…it’s the whole reproductive thing, it’s that they kind of feel is part of the physical heart of being a girl.”

Rayne’s frowning. “I know I sort of get that but she said that I couldn’t use that with her, like I was using it against her or something…I wasn’t I was just trying to make a joke to lighten the mood…and she took it wrong and it…everything went sideways.”

I nod. “Which is like what you said about losing it in the fight and acting like your dad.”

Rayne sniffles. “You heard that huh?”

“Yeah we were right outside.”

We’d have gotten into it more but that’s when angel came down and all of that stuff happened between us. I’m not happy about her looking so hurt and packing her bag and leaving.

I was going to ask stuff, say stuff but she looked just hurt and she looked tired and she said she needed to get out of here. Honestly while I hate it I get it too. Angel is the odd girl out here, the newest member of the band and we three have history, we’ve been together a long time too.

You look at it like that and she, hurting like she was over a fight with one of us and I wouldn’t feel comfortable here trying to get my head sorted out. She and Rayne had this fight and Rayne’s part of us so…she needed some space and she needed her Dad.

They leave and Rayne slid down the wall to sit on the floor as bad as I’ve ever seen her, well not as bad but its right up there. She’s pulling her legs tight to her chest and hugging herself into a little ball and she’s crying.

Kim slips to her knees and holds her and I sit down on the stairs sideways and lean on the wall and wrap and arm around her shoulders.

“She’s just getting some space…she promised that she’d be back.”

(Wet-Sobby-whine.) “She might not too…I... I really, really fucked up Brook!”

“Okay…what else happened?”

(Sniffle-sob.) “I got mad, I got really mad and it just happened?”

Kim leans back and stares at her. “You didn’t hit her or something!?”

“No!” She sobs and she cries a bit more and we hold her tighter. Okay she didn’t hit her which is good not that Rayne’s the type. I know the type and Rayne might be all sorts of messed up but she’s not one of those people.

“Alright then, what happened then?’

She looks up at us and she’s dripping tears off of her face and chin. “I…I…called her a f..ff..fuck ing guy!” she starts sobbing again.

Oh…

Oh holy fuck…

Now I get what happened and I can see why angel would be hurt and why she’d be freaked out and everything. Like I said I’ve been reading up about this a lot. Angel is literally like a sister to me and her dad is like the father I’ve always wanted to have so I’ve been making sure that I’m learning about it.

Angel might not have known until she was here with us and she didn’t have to be Jason anymore to realize that she really never was Jason. If she didn’t know what was going on with this PAIS stuff then she’d have been this boy that just doesn’t have the tools to be a boy still pretending to be a boy and never fitting in and never feeling quite right and that’s bound to leave scars.

Some of the stuff I’ve read certainly thinks so, has shown me that it is the case. When you have to hide out being the gender in your head through denial just to survive it breaks things inside people I’ve read…There is really this huge gap in them where what we Cis gendered people take for granted.

I’ve never questioned what I am. Who lots but you can barely get a good grip on who when you don’t have a clue to what you are.

And to get that questioned.

Or outright sort of denied and through in your face?

Honestly Angel is reacting like someone in her shoes should really. It’s a whole lot of stupid all of it and Angel needs to apologize too about flipping out on Rayne but right now she’s too hurt.

They are too good a couple to fall apart like this angel is good for Rayne and us and we’re good for her and Angel is a her because she’s out of all of us the most naturally mom like and the most naturally girly and it’s really just who she is because when she’s angel she’s just so much more fluid as who she is.

Kim’s looking at her with her eyes huge. “Rayne! You gotta apologize that’s, that’s way wrong!”

“I know…and I did…” She sobs.

I take a breath and I hug her tighter. “And you still will but more than that you have to show her. Angel took this big hit from that to who she thinks she is and that’s like this huge gap in her self image.”

“Huh…?” Both Rayne and Kim sniffle.

“She found out not that long ago she’s not who she really had thought she was and she latched onto being Angel, on who that was or who she was becoming pretty hard. That’s broken now there’s this…it’s like we’re all in a shipwreck and you two had a fight during it and now she’s drifting away from us on her own little patch of wreck trying to stay alive.”

I look at Rayne.

“It’s not going to be so much you needing to apologize as much as it’s going to be you convincing her that it’s alright for her to jump from her bit of wreckage back to ours, you’re going to have to make Angel believe in you enough again she’ll be willing to take a leap of faith to come back to us.”

Rayne’s looking at me. (Sniffle.) “How come you know so much?”

“I told you Rayne, I’ve been reading up on this a lot…Remy’s like that dad I always wanted…Angel’s like a sister to me and she’s going through stuff I need to understand.”

She’s looking at me. (Sniffle.) “Do you guys hate me?’

I hug her. “No…never Rainbow.” I kiss the top of her head. “Do I think you fucked up yeah, and that you can fix it yeah. But you’re my friend; You and Kim have kept me from going off the rails more times than I can even think of.”

Kim’s like. “Yeah and without you we’ve be living on campus in the dorms. I’d have killed someone by now.”

We all hug tight in snuggling in like we used to before Angel was with us.

And yes we miss her in this right now…she’s one of us and she’s not with us and she should be.

We’re like that for awhile then Kim’s like. (Sniff.) “Rayne…you smell like fear sweat and stuff, you might want to take a bath you kinda smell like trout.”

That sets us off giggling and into that stressed and stress sort of passed laughter and she ends up tickling Kim until Kim rolls away squeaking then getting up. “I’ll make supper I need the practice.”

We nod as she bounces off too the kitchen apparently better and I get up and pull
Rayne up to her feet. We hug again and she starts to head upstairs.

“Raven?”

She stops and she looks at me. I look up at her.

“That stuff with your dad? It’s bullshit, we can get past that stuff. I am…you can too. Just really think about it…about who you want to be really and not about the other stuff. In the end it’s all we can do really so we can be the people that the ones that love us deserve.”

She wipes at her eye’s again and it’s almost funny because her mascara had run and been wiped so many times she could sort of look like a smurf. “Thanks Brooklyn…just thanks…”

I nod. “Any time honey, it’s why we’re still alive remember.”

She nods then heads upstairs and I head off to call Mike and see how things are there.

*Rayne…………

I took a hot, hot long bath and I had a good long cry in there and just…Brook’s right, she’s right about a lot of this stuff and the way that I acted, the way that I lost my temper and stuff isn’t me.

It’s not the me that I want this to be, not at all.

Lots of thinking.

And still more really I need my guitar to think and I go downstairs after slipping into….I shouldn’t…but honestly I need to and I can’t help it I stop at Angel’s room and I pick up her jersey off the floor and I slip it on…it smells like her still and no matter what she was trying to be this afternoon while she had it on it still smells like her.

I just toss on my Rootswear sweat pants and go back downstairs and I eat supper with the girls and it’s not bad considering I’m actually hungry…being that upset for that long burns energy I guess.

Tuna burgers with the instant rice mashed into canned tuna and there’s like egg and breadcrumbs but lots of tuna and she fried them crispy with lettuce and tartar sauce and she made baked potatoes to go with them.

Actually not bad at all and for Kim to have come up with that it was pretty cool.

It felt really messed up to be eating with the three of us at the kitchen table without Angel there.

And all of us know it.

It hurts enough that I need to get out of there and I get my laptop and my guitar and the baby amp and I head out in the van and I drive around until I stop at the Tim Horton’s where we first took Angel the night we met and I get a large double double in my travel mug and I let the van idle and I plug my stuff into the outlet in the back of the van. It’s an old utility van so it had an outlet for power tools or something in the back…it’s actually the main reason I bought it so we could plug into the van for like playing in public.

I go from the front to the back and settle the cushions and stuff and open up the side door and from the little rise and where I’m parked I can see out over the highway but it’s far enough that I can’t really hear it too much.

I’m not really playing for people and it’s late so there’s not that many people around, well not at this one and I take a few sips of my coffee and boot up my computer and use their public wireless and I start playing absently as I’m looking up transgendered online and start clicking onto links and sites and even reading some stories and blogs.

Okay…one…being gay or lesbian isn’t easy.

Two being gay or lesbian is also a completely, completely different thing than being transgendered.

By my fifth blog and my fourth story I’ve a lump in my throat and there’s a whole different kind of hurt and pain here than I’m…than I ever knew really was out there.

I love Angel but I’m realizing that I did sort of have this stereotype about it that I didn’t even know that I had really.

I need to think even more now.

I get a better grip on my guitar and I start playing. Angel was playing stuff that was honestly pretty surprising to me but it’s also right up my alley.

Hey…I am Raven.

I start playing and I starting singing along with it one of my favorite songs. I’ve actually done this on acoustic before and it’s just a really good song…plus it really speaks to me.

*Serenity* By Godsmack.

As I sit here and slowly close my eyes
I take another deep breath
And feel the wind pass through my body
I'm the one in your soul
Reflecting inner light
Protect the ones who hold you
Cradling your inner child

I need serenity
In a place where I can hide
I need serenity
Nothing changes, days go by

Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

Tragic visions slowly stole my life
Tore away everything
Cheating me out of my time
I'm the one who loves you
No matter wrong or right
And every day I hold you
I hold you with my inner child

I need serenity
In a place where I can hide
I need serenity
Nothing changes, days go by

Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

I need serenity….

I finish and I exhale closing my eyes and lean back and there’s some tears there and I just try and breathe.

“Long time no see Rainbow.”

I open my eyes and look and I see Summer there in jeans and sandals with some kind of belly shirt that shows off her middle and a really nice denim jacket.

“Summer?” Yes…I’m surprised…shocked actually and she’s alone….no band entourage… “What do you want?”

“You were playing Serenity.”

“I know.”

“What’s wrong…you only play that when shit’s gone wrong.”

I….

Why is she here? Why….. fuck why is she looking at me like that?

“Buy you a refill?”

“I…..”