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Author's Note: Picture used with permission from *lavonia on deviantart.

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Chapter 100
 

Jem…Chapter 100

Chapter 100

*Before…

I kiss her really hard and passionately and a little desperate.

I walk backwards with this knot in my stomach to Jimmy’s van and get in.

I wave goodbye to Rayne and she does the same.

Jimmy looks at me. “Where to Angel?”

“Down to Same-Day courier first and then can you drive me to Red Pines.”

“Not a problem Angel….Are you okay?”

“Yeah…It’s just I’m going to be meeting with a guy I haven’t seen for awhile and I don’t know how that’s going to turn out.”

*And Now…

It doesn’t take too long to stop and send my stuff to Fraser…Bobby Fraser…okay wasn’t the guy from Due South called Fraser?

Anyways I send it priority post and pay the extra for AFAP service and keep the slip but fax it from there to his number on his card he gave me so they can send me the money to pay for it.

Then I get in the van and after a quick stop at Tim’s and a pee there I get Jimmy and I both a medium tea and a small box of Timbits for the drive and we head for Red Pines.

“Where too Angel?”

“The Wall Mart’s fine here Jimmy I’ll be meeting Rayne here.”

“Okay then should I wait for her to show up?”

“No, I have some shopping to do while I’m here what do I owe you?”

“Nothin lamb, nothin at all.”

“Jimmy that’s not right it costs a lot to come out all this way.”

“And I said that we’re good. Now if let’s just say some one decides that she wants to make a mess of baked beans up them I would be more than happy to call something like that evens.”

I smile and hug him and kiss him on the cheek. “Done and some homemade bread to go with it.”

He hugs me back in that warm yet honest way that those old guys that still respect women do. “As much as I love your bread Angel I’m a little partial to biscuits.”

I laugh. “Both and I can use it to teach Kimberly while I’m at it.”

He smiles and gets out and he lets me out of the van and I wave goodbye to him as I go into the store.

I actually do stop and smile and talk to the greeter there and Call Bernie by his name and thank him for getting me a cart and start shopping.

Rayne works at the Wal-Mart in town and I’ve been there and some times people are too busy to actually let the greeter do their job and say anything or even look at them. A few words and a smile never hurts.

Trust me I know, there’s times if you’ve had a bad day that someone being nice to you just might be the one thing that turns it around if it was a bad day.

And with what’s coming, I needed the lift too of being myself.

I take the cart and I go shopping first its stuff for me. Some more underwear since I saw some okay cotton cute ones on sale and then I get some tampons just in case. Well it never hurts to have them and being seen with them is also a bonus for my being Angel. I get some Midol and some chocolate going with that kind of shopping thing and then I start with some men’s deodorant I get some right Guard and a five pack on sale of Irish Spring soap and there’s a shampoo that they make too and I get some Brut spray on cologne cheap and still says guy and from there it’s hair dyes. I can claim those in the girl part of stuff and I get several colors and they have the fun brands so I get a couple of packs of bubble gum pink.

Then its cheap socks white guys’ utility socks at a bargain and then cheap sneakers that are a guy’s type to wear. Knock offs kind of like the Puma brand and I stop by the eye glass section and I get a pair of glasses frames that aren’t real glasses but it’s how they sell the frames. You know the ones on the carousel thingy.

Hmm thingy, I’m going to have to watch talking like that.

Guys don’t talk like that.

That’s it really for now.

I kill some time in the KFC stand mini-restaurant they have in there and get some fries and one of those crispy chicken sandwiches and a drink and nurse it awhile. I work on my voice too there are registers of voice, opening and tightening that you do for singing. You can exercise your instrument…I’m focusing on lower ranges, humming helps too.

As Angel my normal speaking voice is a lightened and breathy sort of version of my own upper register. You’d think that wasn’t a girl like sound look at singers like Axe Rose and Sebastian Bach (Skid Row.)

Me…

I work at it and keep it up until I figure it’ll be about that time and I head to the check out and pay for everything and head outside…she should be here.

Rayne’s there waiting for me with the van and I roll my cart out and unload and then get in and I kiss her. She kisses me back and she starts the van up and we start to drive.

Headed for The Big Smoke.

Toronto.

We take a few side roads to pass a couple of places just to be sure we’re not being followed and after being on a road for like a half hour in places with no one behind us I’m pretty sure that we’re good.

I mean we’re not on Adam’s radar but we’re on Adam’s radar in the way that he’s got a sick eye on me as Angel.

Evidence is building asshole.

It’s late when we get into the city and we stop and we park at a truck stop and we crash in the van.

There’s an air mattress and sleeping bags.

“So what’d you tell the girls?”

“That we’re going out to do something that you needed to do.”

“And they left it at that?”

“Mike was there he helped.”

“Good…and you got me the instruments and stuff?”

“Yeah I didn’t want to buy something that would be like easy to trace so I hit Josie up for a loan she had a spare that she sold me and I’ve got your old keyboard wrapped up in the sleeping bag.”

“Clothes?”

“The very best of Frenchy’s and Salvation Army.”

“Okay…” I kiss her again and we snuggle in tight together and I really try hard to get some sleep.

………………………………………It really didn’t work and I just as it’s turning light I Kiss her and grab my stuff for Jason and I head into the truck stop before it get’s to being dawn.

A good truck stop has a trucker rest area and that’s a good place to crash that’s not being in the cab of your truck it also has a decent bathroom and showers in this kind of YMCA way and it’s not to hard to get in.

Most have a buzzer from the guy that runs the booth for the self-serve and I cough and cough a few times going up to the guy there. “Hey.”

“Hey…what ya want?”

“Shower and take a dump.” I’m trying to get the way I used to talk back in my voice.

He looks at me. “You gotta buy fuel.”

I hold up a twenty. “Dude I’m just going to get cleaned up and then I’m outta here, okay?”

He opens the drawer and I set the bill in. “No drugs, do bullshit or I’ll fucking call the cops.”

“Not looking to get high, just what I said.”

“Fine don’t be too long.” He buzzes me in.

I go in and I head for the showers and where it’s sort of locked it’s kind of safe to have your stuff left alone sort of.

I get in the shower and I shower and I dye my hair. Not back to my old blonde but brown…it’s a good idea too. Jason might have changed his hair after he took off and it’s one more thing to distance me as Angel from Jason.

I’ll say this though that Just for Men hair dye it’s really a lot easier to use than the stuff that I have been using and it’s literally done as I shower.

I wind my panties I wore in here in paper towel and shove them in the bottom of the garbage can for the wet paper towels used at the sinks.

The guy briefs are next and just…ick…they feel so weird. The y front stuff in there and the way too wide elastic and really the cotton’s not the greatest compared to what I’m used to.

And I’m trying not to have a coronary when a couple of truckers come in and do their things.

I’m actually thankful for the smell of the diesel on one guys clothes as it masks the stench of the other guy taking a dump.

I’ve been out of guy land for way too long.

Okay…deodorant and then the Brut…and a really, really good dose of it. That guys too much of it.

Muscle shirt and then a t-shirt with Black Sabbath on it. And then the jeans old and used but sort of clean. I put then on and then a thick heavy guy’s belt and then a cheap hoodie and a jean jacket over that with an Iron Maiden back patch on it.

My last touches…the fake glasses that still look like me and I take an elastic and put a top knot in my hair.

I look like Jason…the layers make up for the skinny and the jeans are baggy and the hair’s kind of street and the glasses kind of obvious…I mean if you know me and stuff.

Or knew Jason, I tried to choose some that would look different but really not fool anyone.

I think I have the Jace on the run thing.

I get my stuff and head out and back to the van which Rayne has moved down the street.

Wow, this stuff is not comfortable and it’s more that that fact that guys clothes are like heavy it’s like this psychological weight on me.

Every little bit between me and the van that I see my reflection it’s…it’s so this does not compute.

I stop at the van and Rayne’s staring at me.

And Staring at me. Like I just turned into an alien.

“Holy shit….”

“Yeah I know, it’s freaking me out too.”

She nods. “I mean it hasn’t been that long really but at the same time…”

“The same time what?”

“At the same time you do Not look like the girl that I am in love with.”

“Kind of the point.”

Rayne nods but she’s still very much staring at me.

“This isn’t staying.”

“No…it’s okay…”

“Yeah sure…you have this look like you think there’s a large creepy spider on me but you just can’t figure out where I’m hiding it.”

She blushes and looks down. “Ange…I’m sorry but this is just…”

“Bad?”

“No!” she says that very empathically and loudly. “It’s just very sort of twighlight zone for me okay?”

“Me too.”

I get the guitar and the case and the backpack I have ready and the sleeping bag rolled up and my keyboard with me.

“See you at lunch?”

“Yes…yes definitely just be careful.”

“Adam has no idea I’m here for real.”

“Jace it’s Toronto…I mean be careful because of that.”

I actually try a guy sort of grin with her. “I’m a guy Rayne; I don’t really have the same worries.”

She gives me the finger. “Get all that shit out of your system while you’re doing that okay?”

“Yeah gotcha.”

I shoulder everything and I head off and it’s sort of scary for like the Angel part of me but at the same time I’m kind of right about the whole thing.

Guys as a general rule have that guy thing that unless you’re in a really bad place or situation you have the force field of manliness. People don’t bug you really. It’s part of that whole male privilege thing some people prattle on about.

Yes male privilege exists and no trans people like me don’t have it.

Oh it can be argued but that aura of guy to a transgendered girl it’s not a power but a prison.

And people can think all they want that it’s not but unless you live it then they don’t really know.

I could go on about that because it’s one of the few things that I feel strongly about that and female privilege too and all that sexist and genderism get’s me kind of going these days. Especially since I know and feel like I do about myself.

This is extremely uncomfortable and I keep doing reflection glances. Walking checks and trying to have the body language stuff right and in line and I walk until I get to the bus stop and I ride around part of the morning until I get to U of T.

University of Toronto and I get there around ten forty and I walk around. It’s really nice with all these old buildings and then there’s the newer ones but it really does blend this sort of harmonious mix of old and hallowed and cutting edge all I think personally sort of all made seamless by the whole effect of the grounds and all the different kinds of people.

It’s actually brilliantly multi-cultural here.

I find a spot in one of the benches near this place called Morrison Hall where there’s one of the dining halls and I get set up since it’s pretty close to that eleven to nooner rush and I open up the guitar case and tune and do some vocal tests trying to get into the whole Jason singing range and I start busking.

I might get tossed but likely not it’s a pretty laid back place and stuff just so long as I don’t become a regular here doing that kind of stuff.

I start to play and I’m sort of noticed and sort of ignored until I start to sing. And I’m singing as Jason and it sounds okay but I have all this experience now with doing this so I actually put real effort into this.

*Faithfully* By Journey is the first song that I do.

It’s a really good song and one of those classics that just stays around.

*Love is on the Way* By Saigon Kick another really decent one hit wonder by these guys and one of those songs that you forget about until you actually hear it.

*More Than Words* By Extreme…I have some fun with that one because I’m playing and thumping the acoustic as I play and I’m getting this whole thing going and there’s these three asian guys that stop and they actually jump in and sing back up in that whole kind of spontaneous street thing.

That’s when the first few bills land in with the coins too.

I offer them some cash and they wave me off with a “Hey, no it’s cool dude.”

I shake hands with them and do it like dad taught me.

Rayne’s watching me with one of our video recorders and she has this sort of odd look on her face.

The idea is to load it online with a fake YouTube account and stuff and to some of the Facebook stuff on campus with that hey this is kinda cook look at this idea. If we do it here it’ll track to campus and stuff if it get’s looked at and hopefully the ones looking for Jason will have an ah-ha gotcha moment.

Deep breath…and the camera isn’t there…it’ll look messed up if I’m recorded and don’t leave.

A few more songs.

*Blind faith* By Warrant…honest to god this band has never really gotten the props it really deserves. What a great singer too in my opinion of the whole eighties ballads and hair bands Warrant it right up there in the ranks with poison.

*Don’t know what You’ve got ‘Till it’s Gone.* By Cinderella and I like this song but really not the band so much and I try a trick that Guns and Roses did with some of their songs and slow it down and do it unplugged.

*Wherever you will go.* By The Calling…this is another one of those songs like the song by Saigon Kick you’ve heard it and it’s good but you don’t know who you’re listening to. Honestly this is a really good tune.

And of course just because it’s a really decent tune and it’s good for the acoustic I take minute and take a bottle of water out of my pack and I have a drink and I start to whistle…and then I do *Patience* By Guns and Roses.

If I stay much longer I’ll be pressing my luck I think with campus security and I finish with one of my absolute favorite tunes and it just isn’t something that we’ve done yet in SLB but it’s just one of those songs.

And I really try to put all of my stuff from school into it and being out here and the stuff with Adam into that too.

*Wild World* By Mr. Big/Cat Stevens…

Now that I've lost everything to you.
You say you want to start something new…
and it's breaking my heart you're leaving.
Baby I'm grieving.

But if you wanna leave take good care…
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear.
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.

Oh baby, baby it's a wild world...
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby, baby it's a wild world.

I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it's breaking my heart in two,
Cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don't be a bad girl…

But if you want to leave take good care…
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware,
beware…

Oh baby, baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby, baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

Baby I love you…

But if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
But just remember there's a lot of bad,
and beware, beware…

Oh baby, baby it's a wild world,
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby, baby it's a wild world,
and I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

I stop playing and there’s a few seconds where it’s me getting cash and coins from the crowd there of about a dozen or so and some passers-by and I then look at the camera…like shit.

I’ve been seen.

Then I pack things up as fast as I can and I take off with a few people wondering why I’m taking off so fast and why which might sell this all the more.

I head off campus and I get on the bus and I ride around until I get to the stop at The Eaton’s Center.

I head to the closest Tims there and I wait until I see Rayne. She was going to get this video posted up with some help from some U of T nerdy guys by using the powers of hotness.

It’s a long wait, a really long wait and there’s this girl there behind the counter that’s making me feel very embarrassed because I think that she’s giving me this likes what she see’s flirty looks and…it’s just.

Really?

Glasses and brown hair?

It can’t be the clothes.

Sorry…I’m really sorry but I’m not a guy…and I’m a lesbian.

I’m actually gnawing a little on my bottom lip and trying not to freak out from the terminal embarrassment when Rayne shows up and she’s smiling.

“Hey…”

She gives me a kiss!? In front of…

“I…I thought…?”

She grins at me. “It was the lip thing babe, only the real you does that…and besides, she might’ve made a move to give you her number soon.”

“I know…it feels so weird. Did you?”

“Yep, there was a few guys that were really helpful but I found this dark haired cutie in a batman tee-shirt which tats and stuff that was more that willing to help me.”

“Cutie? How cute was she?”

“Very and really the way that I used to like them.”

“Used to?”

“They’re all used to’s Angel, it’s only you…”

Oh…even dressed like this I so do not feel like the guy when she Eskimo kisses me then she Rayne kisses me…and does the french thing to me with her tongue.

Until staff here start to cough and look like they want to make us leave.

We break the kiss and I blink a few times and Rayne get’s some doughnuts here and we leave and we head to another trucker’s rest stop and The guy there’s just willing to let us in with Rayne doing the extremely pulled down top and lots of cleavage and a bit of shimmy…

I so want to be able to…

Dressed like this it’s a really freaky thought.

Rayne has her bag and I have mine and there’s some swapped out clothes in the pack and I shower…shower and scrub and scrub and scrub Jason away…maybe a little too hard…but still.

This is the last time I think.

I got into my real clothes pretty fast and honestly I can’t really say how good this feels other than it’s a really huge relief.

The hair’s the pain in the butt though the only saving grace is the brown comes out pretty easy with lots of peroxide and some blonde color, some more peroxide and it’s close to a blonde that will work with out too much of those under tones in it.

Then we pink it.

It’s a different shade right now but we can work with that…no more my poor hair can’t stand it anymore.

We leave and I have the hood up of the guys hoody and my dude clothes over my real clothes and once I’m in the van and we’re moving I’m stripping out of them in back of the van.

We take the highway home and even gun it a little and we stop only once…we get gas at Owen’s Corner, it’s a small little village and I drop off my Jace stuff off in a clothes drop off bin there at their Salvation Army Store. I’ve been here before with Dad a few times fixing tractors and stuff.

It’s about six by the time we get home.

That leaves about an hour before we have to pack up and go to Jake's and do our gig for The Amsterdam.

Sigh…whine…I’m so tired!

Rayne looks at me. “Okay let’s get that hair tricked out some more and we can watch the bit online.”

We walk in and the girls are there watching Jason performing already on the computer and Kimmie just stares at us and then she just.

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

That actually helps.