Jem…Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Honestly…

Oh Jesus…

I watch “Mike” walk out of sight and I just feel drained and electric at the same time. I’m so feeling all my clothes, my make up and the weight of my breasts with each breath. I’ve never seen a guy that handsome and pretty?

He was six foot even with this natural tan that had to be ethnic, long straight golden blonde hair and blue eyes that I’m still seeing when my eyes are closed. He’s baby faced smooth cheeked and those eyes hint at oriental? Maybe a quarter or an eighth?

Being Angel has to be messing with my head. The whole thing with Raven and slipping into girl mode like this.

Now this.

The thing is he kinda seems like a top shelf kinda guy. Y’know one of those out of my league people. He’s the kind of guy I’d be jealous of as Jason and would’ve avoided. Yeah… he’d have likely been one of my tormentors or something…The cool people loved to remind themselves why they were cool and I wasn’t.

“What the fuck am I thinking?” I ask myself quietly as I gather up the cash and stuff and head to the bank. I mean he thought I was cute, that Angel was cute and he seemed nice to me, I mean we didn’t hang around or try to impress me with the money he put in the case so…why do I feel like I’m recovering from an electrical shock then?

I don’t have I.D.’s but I’m just changing the loose change into cash and wow…the twenty plus a bunch of fives and lots of looneys and tooneys plus all the loose change and I end up with $118.45.

I purse it and take my guitar and wander around the mall putting up the rest of the leaflets before sitting down at Second Cup and getting myself one of the take home mugs and a large hot chocolate.

I smile at the people who smile at me and thank them when some of them said they liked me playing and a couple of them are guys one’s called Ian and the other one is Steve and they tell me they liked my singing and my hair is cool and ask me to play some more but I almost until I realize that they’ve been sitting with me and talking but flirting with me and I was talking to them back or was I flirting?

Am I overthinking all of this and letting Jason overthink what Angel’s reaction should be. I mean girls don’t think about every little think all of the time so…

Deep breath, big sigh.

I’m not going to be doing anything with anybody.

I don’t have to be Jason, be me all the time. Angel’s safe, I can breathe here.

So…

Re-stock… I have, had a thing for Raven.

I just met a guy that I think that I think is cute, very cute.

Two relatively cute guys are flirting with me and asking me to play.

And I can admit they’re cute.

Huh… I think Angel might be Bi?

I sip my hot chocolate thinking on this a bit. I swear I can hear my mom’s voice in my head when I was a little kid saying ~Just be yourself honey and just let the rest of the world be itself, you’ll all match up and you’ll find your way.~ Only it just sort of feels she wasn’t just talking to Jason back then.

“Angel, you okay you were lost there for a minute?” Steven asks me. I nod taking another sip.

“Just thinking about my Mom, I’ve got a lot of stuff going on just moving her a little while ago and trying to start over.”

“Hey, that’s cool we all got stuff going on right?”

“Yeah, thanks for the company though guys, even just sitting here with me helped.”

“Uhm…no problem.” He blushes a bit and Ian nods saying “Anything we can do?”

“I’m playing a show tonight with the band I’m part of tonight and a few other places It would be cool if you guys could show up for that, bring some friends.”

They look at each other then me. “Sure!”

I’m kinda getting out of the shocked funk a little bit and get up to…okay…I got up and so did the guys. I remember that sort of being a thing with guy manners and stuff. It’s…okay, like this kind of nice thing. I’m really not sure how to respond but it’s kind of cool? I smile at both of them. “Thanks guys…” I try to let the surprised and kind of pleased feeling carry over. I look back at both of them and they seem a little more…more?

I think I get that, I had a few times Jase’d do something nice for a girl that didn’t know him and got a nice smile and a thank you. That feels nice I mean as a guy. You know this feels nice as a girl too, giving them that nice…soft respect back…yeah, I think manners like this the whole thing is a soft form of respect. I like that.

“Uhm, excuse me can I get another and who do I ask about playing a bit here?”

The girl behind the counter smiles and goes to talk to this guy who in turn comes over. He’s Indian but dressed like he’s actually from here. “You want to play its okay by me just try to keep it kind of clean we’re a family place but it’d be fine.”

“Really, thank you so much sir.” I give him a big smile and pay for my hot chocolate. I head back over to the guys and give a geeky little thumbs up and where it’d be a loserish gesture before it’s Angel and quirky. “He said I can play a few tunes. Anything you guys want to hear?”

“Anything.” Steven says. Ian looks around. “You know any oldies?”

“Oldies?”

“Play to the crowds, its mid-morning the crowds are largely the older crowds.”

“Okay, so why are you guys here?”

“Day’s off.” They both say. “We work together over at the window plant.” Steven says then takes a sip of his drink. “Part time.”

“Oh cool.” I smile at them and take the guitar out and tune it. What to play, what to play…?

Oh… some Buddy Holly.

I start playing strumming along then tapping my foot.

“Everyday it’s a gettin closer…”
“Goin faster than a roller coaster.”
“Love like yours, will surely come my way…”
“A-hey, a-hey-hey.”

“Everyday, its a-getting faster.”
“Everyone says, Go ahead and ask her.”
“Love like yours…will surely come my way.”
“A-hey, a-hey-hey.”

I keep going and run through the Buddy Holly tune and go from that to playing. “A little Help from my friends” by the Beatles a great tune and I’m already feeling so much better playing and there’s just something magic about it. Then I got into “Save the last dance for me.” By the Drifters another song that translates pretty well as an acoustic one. I finish up because the place is getting filled up and there’s people smiling and watching me. It being around lunch I guess they were drawn in by my playing and Ian and Steve started the clapping and I smile at everyone but blush and duck my head at the same time.

There’s some cash again in my guitar case and I thank everyone again and the manager too and I use the money to buy three coffee debit cards. I like Tim’s because that’s what I was raised on for like coffee place coffee with dad and all that but Second Cup is my second choice. I’m not a fan of Starbucks coffee or of anything they make really.

I saw a few goodbyes and mention the show tonight and head out and I should get heading home because there’s a lot to do. I go into Radio shack first and use the money I got to by a bunch of cheap camera’s like those round eyeball camera’s that you used to have for you computers and some patch cables and stuff, I want to work out a recording set up for us to use as a band to put up on our sight and on YouTube and stuff. It’s all pretty cheap stuff but it still wipes me out of all the busking cash that I had made except for thirty bucks or so.

I can’t help by getting this white knit lacy woolen V-necked t-shirt top from this place that sells knit wear called Charlotte’s web. It was too cute to pass up and it’s look all demure and sweet and revealing but not all at the same time with a lacy white bra under it. And I’ve got a skirt that’ll go killer with it. Okay playing and that really helped my mood. It’s so neat finding something like that and at a good bargain and then figuring out all the stuff that I can do with the just right top and the stuff I’ve got back home. It’s like multitasking the clothes that you own for the best value and effect that you can get out of them.

I can get the shopping thing there’s an actual sense of accomplishment in buying something that changes or makes like a whole bunch of different looks. And I wasn’t raised to this and I’m getting that. And I’m not saying that clothes and shopping is like a core thing about making up a girl’s psyche but I certainly can get why they get excited about it. I’m excited about it.

I call Jimmy and wait for him to show up in his cab and pick me up. He pulls up and smiles at seeing me and he let’s me sit in the front and he drives me home. I bore him with me talking about the idea of camera set up and placement and all these little technical stuff we’re going to do for the show and stuff. I don’t bore him with stuff about my top and when I get home I tip him two dollars because he said it was five which is pretty cheap but her runs his own cab and I’m not going to argue with him over costs he’s doing it to be nice to me and I hug him and kiss his cheek. “You’re a great guy Jimmy, made me smile that you could come and pick me up.”

“Aw…lookit Angel it was nothing, I’m happy to do it. You’re a great gal even with the pink hair and all of that stuff.”

“Thank Jimmy, I’ll call you again.”

I head into the house and take a few jars and I toss the change I have into them with different denominations and we can maybe save a few dollars here and there and stuff. You’d be surprised how much cash that will add up to after you roll it.

I take some of the stuff from my room and I fancy up an old box of Tide laundry soap and turn it into a tip box for us with butterflies and stuff on it and in big letters.

*Tip us please we need you help!, Please support Canadian and Local Artists!*

I get supper started I’m going to be busy so I cheat and do another chicken. I fine chop two slices of bacon and slit the skin some and push the chopped bacon underneath, then I just put some shake and bake in a plastic shopping bag then take a dollop of BBQ sauce and use my hand to coat the chicken so there’s just enough there to make it stick really good with the shake and bake. On a rack in the roaster the in the oven and A quick wash up and then some baked potatoes to go with the chicken and I’ll do some frozen veg to go with it just before.

I toss on some laundry too and then sit down and start going over the stage gear and the laptops and setting up the camera’s checking distance from the drum set and me taking each position of the girls and okay…one over Roxy facing down enough to see here play but the rest of us too…oh yeah and I tried to drum a little never having my own drums and wow…I sure do suck at that. I lost my grip on a stick and It flew behind me. (Blush) I still record it because there’s going to be bloopers on the sight. Nothing fans hate more than fake. This will be unvarnished us.

The next two will flank us with Raven and Brooks spots and they get good coverage from the cameras. The last one is for me center on about breast level but back at a distance but enough to cover me and the stage as well.

I’m trying my hand at putting together a test video of the recordings when Brooklyn and Roxy come bouncing in. It’s sort of comical as they run in and they’re heading for me and its Roxy first going all cartooney up on her tip toes as she stops. Then sniff’s the air.

“Oh my god what are you cooking?”

“Roast chicken but not until Raven shows up we really need to go over our stuff for the show and changed and stuff so we can get packed up and stuff.”

Brooklyn comes over and looks at the video I’ve very roughly cobbled together. “What’s this?”

“I was checking the camera angles and stuff so we can record all of our gigs and rework them into videos for our site and other online stuff. Here check it out just keep in mind that this is a rushed very rough copy and I’ve only got a basic idea of how to do this and stuff.”

I hit play and I they’re both nodding until the drums and Brooklyn does the whole face pale thing and Roxy’s laughing. “See with these camera angles we can edit things together to play our stuff as videos.”

I show them our Twitter page and the hits as well as Our face book page also seeing some traffic. I post my rough attempt at a video up there with a bit of a blognote explaining why and stuff.

The girls hug me and tell me “This is so cool!” then head to their rooms to get changed. I start setting things aside and ready to get packed and hear Raven’s van pulling into the driveway. I move from that to setting the table and Raven gets in…I’m still sorta-sorta about the way I can’t help but feel about her. I still feels good when she comes in from work and looks around and smiles, the closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath.

Despite everything going on we actually sit down to eat and talk. The way Brooklyn and Roxy talk about school makes me actually wish that I was there and going there with them. Raven nods through most of it but we talk about her day at Hell-mart and some of the weird people you get as customers and the people she works with and some of the asshats that she has to work with. And I tell them about my day and well…I kind of exclude my brush with “Mike” and the oh whoa, WTF moment that I had instead focusing on the tunes and the shopping and again get all excited with them over the top I bought at the mall and it’s kind of cool that they kind of are just as interested, well maybe not Brooklyn…she seems sort of shy on the subject. But it’s something that we really didn’t have that much of really and that’s the big family dinner. I clear the table and I give the girls their debit cards for the Second Cup. And I get hugged again and there’s a bit of a longer one from Raven.

“Seriously, thanks Angel you didn’t have to but there’s one in the mall and I can really use a coffee sometimes during my breaks.”

“Hey, it sounds like you could use one but it was smart too. I used the cash I made playing there in the store so the manager might let me come and do that again. At the very least he’ll have a good opinion of me and that’s always a good thing.”

“You’re a real smart cookie y’know, that and the papers and the video stuff and the websites and all of it. I never got that far in this y’know. With Summer it’s all about the gigs and being “Cool” and stuff she was never into all this other stuff.”

“Yeah, but I’ve wanted to do this and really do this kind of stuff my whole life. Even if I was going to head off to university I was going to get into the music arts and that so I’d really know more about making music and well get some more skill as a musician and writer under my belt.”

“What you bought a new belt too?”

“Ha ha very funny.” I stick my tongue out at her and we tickle each other and stuff and do the dishes together while Roxy and Brooklyn are using the bathroom and getting changed.

Then it’s our turn.

I use the down stairs bathroom and get all my stuff together then strip off including the gel forms and stuff. Does it ever feel strange, I’m swinging free and the weight that was on my chest wasn’t there. I take a really hot shower and exhale the stress and stuff and let myself just be.

It’s doesn’t really uhm last. I’m washing and my nipples are sensitized by the gel forms and the tape and once the itchy part is over I’m really noticing the feeling. It’s not one of those things in one of those stories but…who I’ve been being, those thoughts swimming around with me in the shower take me off to fantasy land and there I’m sorta not Jase and sorta not angel the feeling in my nipples is turning me on and honestly I’m having a fantasy about Raven being oh sooo good to my breasts and the arousal I get is all Jason though. I get cleaned up and wash down the shower after doing well what guys do in the shower. (Blush.)

I get dried off and with smooth skin there is a difference in the feelings. Though we really need some new towels. I use the hair dryer above and below and I do my breast first. It’s the third time for the whole thing and I’m getting better at it and I do a few test bounces and shimmies just to make sure the girls are solidly on and the fake skin stuff isn’t going to crack or anything. I tape myself down…down there and I’m doing that this time to be extra careful and to fit into these really cute hard pink lacy cheeky styled panties and they take a bit of getting used to. I’m wearing these because they show a bit of butt-cheek and after some white thing high stockings I shimmy into this tight white short lycra mini-skirt. I get into my matching push up bra and then add glitter and slip on a soft pink sweater with the scoop style neckline so it’ll shoulder slip and bit and show off my killer bra and even when that doesn’t happen it’ll threaten to while showing off my breasts

Make-up I use a lot tonight, this is a night show and I use some red tones as eye-shadow, I use a sort of silvery pearl as the eyeliner pencil to contrast and go really sparingly with the mascara. My face gets a good coat of foundation and I really take my time blending it in. I use a little blush not that much and I really do my lips, the lip pencil and then the matte dull red and then a frosted pink over that and let it set because it’s the stay-fast lipstick and a little lip gloss for that shiny glossy look.

I k-pop spike my hair and add it some gel and glitter to it and I’m done I step into my two inch pink heels and I do one final check over before slipping out to the living room.

I get whistles and cat- calls from Roxy and Brooklyn and Raven’s looking at me again and I smile then start to get our things. “We need to get going if I’m going to set up the recording stuff while you girls go over the marks and things on the stage.”

I head out to the van and I can’t help but…I’m attracted to her and she’s to me and we can’t be together because I’m not a real girl and she’s taken that step into the whole rebound getting on with her life thing and I’m just going to go with it. I can’t change the situation but I can make her as teased up as me.

Girls have this sway, and it’s part of their anatomy as much as learned so I use short steps but short of use more hip in how I put my legs out there while walking than just leg and keep my feet together by keeping in mind literally to try and place one foot ahead of the other…chest up, lower back loose and I…

I sway out to the van.

Huh…so does this make me a cunt tease?

Okay the sexy fun and games don’t last too long before we get all packed up and head over to the Pine Tree café. “Oh…nice.” I say as we pull up. It’s downtown and it backs right up beside the city park and out of the way but not and it’s one of those bistro kind of places. Patio on the outside and decent parking plus it’s close to the downtown schools Hardy Point Tech a community college and Compu-college plus bars and the few banks and the downtown shopping too.

We go in and we set up early getting things all ready and we were just getting done when Summer and her band come in. she looks at us.

“Hey what the hell are they doing here?” she asks the owner.

Mr. Walker looks at her. “They’re playing the second show.”

“Second show? I didn’t know there was two spots both of those should be ours we booked here first.”

“There wasn’t but Ms. Benton can be very persuasive. Besides they’re here now and already set up and they don’t start until nine. You are starting at seven and it’s ten after six now.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever stop complaining you’re holding us up.”

She walks away from him and over to the stage not carrying a damned thing and letting her band-mates do it. Okay they look like they have a couple of stoner roadies to help but still.

And it’s the first good look in person I’ve gotten of Summer.

She’s about five ten and a lot of that is legs, she’s trim but has some meat on her, faded jean styled jeggings hug her legs and her body, Men’s V-neck white t-shirt hugging her DD’s that are in a very noticeable black lacy bra. Tiny waist, Long perfectly wavy blonde hair set off by this old frayed jean jacket and she’s got her make up done, the black biker chick boots with the studs and a four inch heel and these green, green eyes.

She’s hot, she’s hot and she knows it but she doesn’t beat everyone over the head with it like the girls do at school, no Summer knows her strengths at least this way. She uses he looks like a weapon.

A weapon she used to hurt Raven and my girls. As much as part of me thinks she’s hot there’s another part of me that’s getting these little micro-tremors of wanting to claw her face off.

I offer my hand getting off the stage with the girls. “Hi I’m…”

“Oh I know, you’re Jem.”

“Oh uhm wow, you already heard of me?”

“Please…of course I did, there’s not too many people that be stupid enough to hook up with these three….oh…wait. You’re the girl that dresses up like some cosplay reject thinking she’s part of a cartoon. People are still laughing about you and you’re with them…Ha Jem and the Gypsy Moths. I gotta go and get ready for my show…”

She takes the three steps up onto the stage and turns and looks at Raven. She shake’s her head. “Rayne you really gotta see a shrink, You’re still eating the way that you feel…” she looks at me. “That’s why I got out no matter what excuses she made…she ate her way to forty extra pounds after we got together and was getting worse, I just couldn’t watch her trying to kill herself (She looks back at Raven.) again…”

I look at her “You have a show to get ready for right?”

“Yeah best get to that laters.”

“Hey Summer?”

“Yeah…”

“Thanks for opening for us.”

I don’t even look to how pissed she gets because I take Raven’s hand and lead her to a corner booth and push her into it and turn around and slide myself onto her lap before she can protest or lose it. I put my forehead to hers and look her right in the eyes.

“You won…(she tears up and looks like she’s going to argue.)…no…listen to me, you didn’t run away crying, she’s the one who took all the swings at you and went for all those dirty old relationship secret punches…you took it, you took it and now you’re not going to let her get to you.”

“But…but…”

“You have a great butt.”

Raven blushes. “Angel…”

“I like your butt, you have a sexy butt.”

“I’m fat.”

“Not really, you’re a real woman for fucks sakes. Take it from me, I like a real girl, I like someone who has everything in all the right places and she doesn’t look like she’s barfing her guts up or shaking like chiwawa because of diet pills or cocaine or meth or she’s a chain smoker because she thinks it curbs the urge to eat.”

“Angel…you don’t get…”

“Bullshit, when I’m my usual me I’m so blacklisted by the people that knew me even before this they walk to avoid me like I’ve got the plague. I’m skinny and I’m not really what a lot of people hell most people are looking for…I get feeling bad about yourself, about not feeling normal so much that it hurts to the point of you want to do something, anything to make it stop…”

I really lean into her. “Rayne I get it, I do and I’m telling you… you are beautiful.” I use some napkins and blot the tears before the mess with her make up.

“I’m not…..am I?”

“How can you question that? All those people wanting you at the club…today…”

“Today?”

“If you’re not beautiful them why out of the three hot looking girls that I have as my roommates did I have a fantasy about you?”

“What?....(Sniffle.)”

“You heard me and I’m not going to say I’m sorry either. I am seriously into you Rayne as in real life serious and yeah I know the big thing between us… and that’s cool with me…I would rather have you as my best friend in my life than anything else.”

“Best friend?”

“Yeah you’re my best friend.”

“Oh…so we’d never hook up then if I tried….y’know…that…with us…”

“Sex?”

“No…we’ll never hook up like that Rayne.”

“Why?”

“Because it freaks you out, you’re a lesbian and so sex is out of the question.”

“Oh…” She’s searching my eyes.

“Rayne…”

“Yeah?”

“If we ever find out that this thing between us ever gets to the point where it doesn’t matter then I still wouldn’t have sex with you.”

“W..whaa…But…”

“It’d be me making love together with my best friend.”

I lean in and I kiss her on the lips and it’s soft and slow and… and just a little taste of her tongue when her lips part in surprise and I touch her side, hold and cradle a breast but not fondle her and press into her like the….like the girl right now that I want to be just for her…I break the kiss and pull away and slide off of her lap and smile at her and shake…well my hands are shaking and look at her.

“I’m going to go and get us some hot chocolates you want one?”

She just nods her head numbly staring at me. I get up and I go to the counter or barista bar or what ever as Kisses and Thorns starts playing their set with.

“Ride On.” By AC/DC …oh more reasons for me to really dislike her. One it’s a really good song and two…summer can actually sing. She comes at it with this sultry a bit slower sexy voiced honey haired wet dream rocker chick.

Next is. “Patience.” By Guns & Roses.

Then “Under the Bridge.” By the Red Hot Chile Peppers….dammit again a really good tune. People are swaying in their seats to it.

She comes out with “Every Rose has its Thorn.” After that and then “Wish you were here.” By Pink Floyd….all good songs.

Then she does a really good rendition of “Constant Craving.” By K.D. Lang then she goes into a song pattern I don’t know. By that time I’ve been back with our drinks and Raven’s drinking her hot chocolate and sort of spacey watching the show.

Summer leans into the mike and does some soft mike romancing saying.

“I wrote this song for a lover of mine who ended up breaking my heart but it’s a beautiful song and I can see some people out here in love so I’m going to sing this for you… it’s called…”

“Love is Rain.”

“I close my eyes again to dream of you…”
“My heart beats faster and faster, oh can this be true.”
“Can you be true…”
“Can I be true…?”
“Is it finally You.”

“I roll over in bed and I smell your neck.”
“I lose myself in your smell, you’re so heaven sent…”
“And I feel you hair washing over my face…”
“It’s brushing these tears away, those bad years away.”

“And I don’t mind crying for you, because… “

“Love is Rain…”

“Oh, it washes away my many sins…”
“Your smile lets me feel alive again.”
“Those eyes, your eye tell me I can be me.”
“That laugh, your laugh it set’s me free…”
“And I cry and I cry and I cry…and I don’t mind….”

“Because, Love is Rain.”

“I slip my arms around your waist…”
“Caress, move my hands our hearts start to race…”
“You roll over and you smile and I’m blown away.”
“I cry and you reach up to wipe them away…”

“And you smile, smile, smile…”
“And sing to me…”

“Oh, Love is Rain…”
“Yeah now…”
“I can feel it…”
“I’m cryin…”
“I Love You…”
“Oh, Love is Rain…….”

She ends the song like her voice tightened up and she dose that fall forward bend over to the crowd emotionally exhausted bow and there clapping and stuff going on.

Raven looks like she got stabbed it the heart…not crying, but that look, that shocked hurt kicked right in her soul kind of look and Roxy is crying. And Brooklyn is too but she’s got that blotchy redhead angry hurt want to fight look.

That song, that was one of Raven’s songs.

I know she wrote those words, that song when she was in love with Summer.

And she does this…to someone who wrote that…for them.

How?

How can you do that to someone?