Jem…Chapter 66
Chapter 66
Sometimes there’s no sleep like falling into an emotionally exhausted sleep. I remember Rayne holding me tightly and her singing me to sleep because I’d asked her to. But she’s not there when I’m waking up but her side of the bed is still warm.
We made love last night and I was….well I was very unsure if her and me and being together like her and Jason would be was a good idea. Thinking back on it I was scared of it but I didn’t want to disappoint her and we went with it.
Bad idea and good idea both at the same time.
Everything was so amazing right up until we had penetrative sex. I loved the closeness of it the intimacy of it but it was also like the mechanics of it…was like suddenly discovering that you have a fear of heights.
It wasn’t like masturbation at all this was real and the fantasies in my brain didn’t mesh with what had happened. I can admit it felt good…I’m human and unfortunately male in my biology…yeah I mean that unfortunately.
After my orgasm like that with Rayne and the feelings of everything shutting down and stuff of going limp I wasn’t just hit with the whole guilt like I would sometimes get when I’d relieve myself of stuff… but this really horrible sensation of it wasn’t supposed to be like this, and I’d never ever felt that about my sex parts before.
Our lovemaking was like Christmas or it was supposed to be like that with all the joy and the love and the build up and the ending of it was like finding out that Santa wasn’t real.
I’m not a guy….I don’t think that I really was ever and all of this just thrashed everything loose inside and without my daily doses of hell and suffering my brain’s apparently discovering all sorts of new things about myself.
Yay me…
I sit up and I carefully rub at my eyes and get the hard little crusties out and slip out of bed.
I’m headed to the bathroom when I hear Rayne and Brook talking.
“You and Angel did the deed last night huh?”
“You heard us?”
“Yeah but you don’t have the look of a girl that got laid.”
“I did but then I didn’t it all went sideways.”
“Sideways?”
“I had Angel inside of me…”
“Uhm…ain’t that against some kind of lesbian law?”
“No, don’t be a dumbass Brook…I thought it’s be okay, that I’d be okay with it since Summer and I you know used toys and stuff.”
“And there was no joy?”
“Nope, well everything but that was good.”
“So not loving the cock then.”
“No…no joy about the cock…it wasn’t like a toy, it wasn’t bad…like freak me out horrible bad and but it just wasn’t the same…the shape and the feel wasn’t…”
“So why even bother, you had to know that you would’ve hated it?”
“I didn’t hate it, it was just wrong…”
“Does Angel know?”
“It was worse for angel actually?”
“Worse?”
“Okay I’ve been reading up on this whole transgendered stuff and there’s a lot of stories and there a lot of testimonies of lesbians in relationships with T-girls and I thought we’d be okay but like I said it really…went sideways.”
“With Angel…I mean when the two of you hooked up the first time at the house it was all Yayness.”
“Yeah and it was and so was the other night downstairs on the couch but I think when we went all the way we shook loose the whole stuff that was the crossing of Jason and angel and it didn’t go over well.”
“Huh?”
“They call being transgendered sometimes Gender Dismorphic Disorder or GID and after we were done I think the dismorphic became crystal clear.”
“Okay…”
“I made love to Angel but that other part was Jason right?”
“Right.”
“Jason’s never really truly been Jason.”
“Okay and…?”
“Brook…Angel came but she came the totally wrong way and it was Angel I was making love to last night. So all that build up and passion had her experiencing a car wreck to her psyche rather than take flight like she was expecting.”
“So….Angel got off and she didn’t like it?”
I open the door and step out into the hall. “No…I had a physical reaction Brook but it wasn’t me…it was my biology but it wasn’t me…”
“But you have had orgasms before with Rayne?”
“Yes and they were great but it wasn’t the same these were from me reacting and getting taken over that point of no return like any other girl would have been.”
“So the difference…?”
“My heart and my soul was all in, full me, full woman and then what should be something totally intense and deep and beautiful was replaced by something that was completely alien…or alien to me.”
“Oh…then, yuck right?”
“Right and not only was it bad it was punctuated with the reminder that this isn’t just alien but it’s there, part of me and it really changed everything…and not in a good way.”
“Oh…shit.”
“Yeah…”
I’m looking down and feeling kind of ick…it’s that reminder just by talking about this that I’m wrong.
I mean not inside I’m…well odds are that needs work and I’m likely a good candidate for therapy but I can sort of feel that lingering feeling of this isn’t right there…
Great I have a gender hangover.
Rayne slips over and kisses me gently. “You okay?”
“No…but shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
“I’m fine…”
“You didn’t want me inside of you…and we did that it’s not fine.”
“It is…and technically you’re the first who’s been there.”
“I’m sorry Rayne we shouldn’t have…”
She kisses me again. “Hey…look at me.” I look into her eyes.
“I wasn’t a virgin…Summer took that from me…and she was really the person that made me sure that I was a lesbian…you changed that…I AM in Love with YOU…Angel and yeah the biology question made me thing that maybe I might be bisexual. I mean I’ve never really hated on guys on like lesbian principle so maybe….and it turns out that I wasn’t bisexual.”
“I….”
“Angel…we’ll get passed this whole thing…I love you and we’ve been intimate in other ways…what happened last night wasn’t the end of the world it was us learning stuff about each other and our selves and we’re still in love right.”
“Oh God yes! I was so scared that this would change things with us.”
“It hasn’t not in the important ways. We’re just going to have to deal.”
“Okay…I think that I can deal…I…God Rayne I hate being like this it just feels…”
“Like you’re living a lie….I’ve read that being trans really is like being it the closet but even when you’re out somethings tied you up so you’re still not free.”
“Yeah kind of like that actually…I think if I was still trying to live as Jason and this came to the surface I’d be like crazy…or maybe crazier than I am now…but right now it’s like yeah I’m Angel but it’s not quite right….and…it…”
“Sucks?” Brooklyn asks.
I nod. “Well yeah that’s a given but no…this is like being hurt…or wounded only you can’t heal it all the way and right now I’m not sure if I can even treat the pain right.”
They both hug me and Rayne nuzzles my neck. “I called in sick.”
“Rayne you might lose you job doing that.” It’s true; Hellmart isn’t referred to as Hellmart without good reasons. But there’s this part of me that’s really kind of quietly all squee over this.
“Let them, I think we might be actually making enough money to keep afloat especially after the jobs you landed us at The Amsterdam. Or al east we can stay afloat long enough for me to get a better job.”
“Okay…but…”
“But what?”
“But if we’re going too seriously look at that then we should seriously look at you going back to school.”
“Back to school? No thanks I’ve got my GED.”
“Yeah well what about getting like something towards community college?”
“Maybe.”
“You’ll have a better chance at a better job…”
Brook laughs and kisses my cheek and heads downstairs. “Ange cheer up! You’re still the absolutely the girliest out of all of us and you’re even getting the whole nagging girlfriend thing going on.”
I blush at that and Rayne’s got a big smile. “She’s right you are the girliest out of all of us hon and you don’t even try at it.”
“Hey! I try at it.”
“And you’re so good at it a natural lipstick.”
“Really?”
“Yeah really.”
“Okay I feel a little bit better now.”
“Good and if we’re really going to look at me going to school for something then you’re going too.”
“I was planning on getting my GED too then trying to take some business classes like Mr. Walker said I should.”
“Not high-school?”
“No….I’m so done with high school after the hell that I’ve been through there and going back…even without Adam I’d go postal on someone.”
“Okay, come on let’s go get breakfast and stuff.”
I kiss her and head to the bathroom and do my business and okay it’s feeling a little different now that I get it, the whole me thing and what’s really going on and everything so sitting to pee even equipped as I am has a different meaning to it now as does the feeling of tucking and feeling better for doing it and getting that sort of right look in my underwear.
Well it’s not tucking so much as making sure I’m flattened but the results are the same. I honestly feel more me like this. I fuss and primp a bit in front of the mirror and while I’m not doing any make up or anything just getting myself together right makes a difference.
But I do go and get my inserts and clean them off and get rid of those stupid wires and everything and slip them into a clean bra and get everything settled and the look and the weight feels…it makes me have a good that’s better sigh.
I head downstairs and I guess I’m getting the special treatment this morning because all the girls are making breakfast. Rayne’s making coffee and Brooklyn’s making some scrambled eggs and Kimmie’s there making toast and setting out the jams.
It’s a nice breakfast and we eat and the girls take off to hog the bathrooms and get ready for school and I start a second pot of coffee and Rayne and I do the dishes.
I really like it when she steps right up against me and she presses into me and she reaches around and it’s sweet and sort of sexy as we wash the dishes together like that. I know it sounds weird but to hard her hands touching mine and being soapy and these intimate little slides of her fingers and stuff it’s really romantic and awesome.
I really like her taking care of me like this.
I like being the “girl” in this relationship.
I think that Rayne likes too being the one in more control of things this time too. It doesn’t take that long before we’re done and we’re getting our cups of coffee and a blanket from the couch and we sit out on the front steps and we just sit and sort of cuddle and just take some us time sitting there in the chilly fall air and watching things.
I like this.
We stay until our mugs are dry and we eventually get up and head back inside and Rayne gets the stuff for our computers set back up and I join her and we start going through our songs and our playlist and videos and stuff and I’m sending money from our bank and PayPal accounts to cover the fees for getting the songs we want to use registered and pay the fees and the percentages for us doing video covers we’re putting our songs and a few of our covers up on I-Tunes today and that means we have to pay for the rights to use the cover materials and then set it up for the band and all the others involved to get their cuts.
Its work and it’s not at the same time.
And we’re actually doing pretty well with the PayPal monies that the fans online are sending into us. It’s not huge cash but at the same time it’s a decent amount of money too that’s being built up and it actually covered all of our costs and we used our credit card account to pay everything then transferred the money from the PayPal account to cover the credit card account.
I think that’s supposed to help out credit. I’m actually interested in that stuff more and more.
We’re actually making money not long after announcing that we have songs and are on I-Tunes on our sights and it’s really, really cool to watch that happen.
And I can’t help but to smile when Rayne rubs my back and starts giving me a massage. “So how about we got out for awhile?”
“You’re sick.”
“No, I called in sick and Wall-Mart is never going to run my life.”
“Okay sure.”
“We’ll go grab some lunch and maybe do some shopping?”
“Lunch? We had…oh…” I look at the clock on the computer and its quarter passed one already.
“Yeah we need to get out and take a break.”
“Are we really going shopping?”
“Yes…you need more things Angel, you’re way behind on all the stuff that you’ve always should have had.”
“True, but I’m keeping receipts maybe I can get reimbursed for some of this with the RCMP.”
She helps me up and I’m more than ready to actually go out and do something and getting cleaned up and prettied up to head out even casually helps too. I know this is something that I can do.
I survived Adam and his bullying for years.
I survived losing my mother who might have seen that she had a little girl instead of a son.
I survived cancer.
I will be able to do this; I will be able to fight my way into healing myself.
I touch up my hair, and brush once more with the powder on my face and add a little light frosted pink lipstick and smile at myself. I say to the mirror.
“Hey you…I see you.”
I grab my purse and my guitar case and head downstairs to where Rayne’s waiting.
Comments
“Hey you…I see you.â€
oh yeah. I'm starting to see me, and its wonderful and scary and ...
Nice chapter.
Angel's getting that seeing herself's a good thing:)
Scary too and yet she's somewhat good with things now. It's like she's seeing her way, even if a little. That's important at that age.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Kool
We are all cool here Bailey. 'nuff said.
Kim
Glad this cleared stuff up Kimmie:)
I wanted to take the time to get the awkward stuff right because that was as important to Angel getting it as the rest of the story's parts.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
“Hey you…I see you.â€
Love the story, good chapter.
-Elsbeth
Is fearr Gaeilge briste, ná Béarla clíste.
Broken Irish is better than clever English.
Thanks Elsbeth:)
Seeing oneself is important when it comes to these things. I'm glad you liked the chapter.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Dancing with nerves.
“Okay…I think that I can deal…I…God Rayne I hate being like this it just feels…â€
“Like you’re living a lie….I’ve read that being trans really is like being it the closet but even when you’re out somethings tied you up so you’re still not free.â€
“Yeah kind of like that actually…I think if I was still trying to live as Jason and this came to the surface I’d be like crazy…or maybe crazier than I am now…but right now it’s like yeah I’m Angel but it’s not quite right….and…it…â€
“Sucks?†Brooklyn asks.
I nod. “Well yeah that’s a given but no…this is like being hurt…or wounded only you can’t heal it all the way and right now I’m not sure if I can even treat the pain right.
This in a nut shell hits my nail on the head. It was not until this April when my Dr agreed to do an castration because of cysts and the worry about cancer, that I started to really feel like I was human and not being split into two people. One I did not like and the one I was becoming. This was in-spite of a full program of anti antigens and HRT. This section of the story will feature prominently in my therapy this week. That is a very good thing. You need to know why and how you hurt before you can hope to heal the wounds. It was a classic case of I was ok it was my body that was crazy. It is hard to accept just how little testosterone for me would cause emotional problems. This was especially prevalent when my wife and I were trying to have our children. She was still ID as a lesbian even though she had a strong Hetero Vibe. I was not dealing well at all trying to fulfill her needs. That was what broke us up was her needs were killing me. Like in Strangers In Paradise, What ever makes you rich makes me poor.
Love this story for the great writing and because it makes me grow. A Lot
Huggles
Michele
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
Thanks so much Michelle!
I was really hoping that this chapter would strike a chord with the readers. I'm glad that things are finally going your way now after everything you've been through.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
destressing
this chapter was a needed time for them to just pull it back together.
nice job, thanks
Yeah they need time to get things pulled together.
And hopefully Rayne and Angel will get more things worked out as things get clearer:)
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
So much love
And they have open eyes for the truth in their love. Thank you Bailey
Draflow
Going into the next parts with open eyes is good.
There's something so important with a real relationship when the cards are all out on the table.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Wouldn't it be ironic if
Wouldn't it be ironic if after that one sexual encounter with a male member Rayne got pregnant lol, I know a condom was in play but they aren't infallible, not only that but being Lesbian Rayne's probably not on the pill.
I reckon Angel would be a great mom. Angel really needs to look at seeing a professional about her situation, considering her epiphany the other night it might help her start moving in the right direction.
Great story, big hugs
Lizzie :)
Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p
No preggers for Rayne:)
Not only was there was a condom but Rayne bought the ones with the spermicide too. She knew that she was taking a chance having sex even if Angel might have a really low count she was kind of paranoid about that.
Rayne might not be opposed to being a mom in time. And the though never went through Angel's head though.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.
The Godfather;)
Bailey Summers
Frosted
So the next time Jem's in her jim-jams there's no jamming her jimmy in the jam pot huh! Saw it coming but brilliantly executed nonetheless and just love light frosted pink lipstick. Wish I could get a Rayne check. k-jo
I was lying down minding my own business when life came by and drove right over me
That's a lot of J's.:)
But yeah essentially true:) Angel's pretty into pink too.
*Great Big Hugs.*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
J-talkin
Yeah sorry Ms Summers, should know better since I go cautioned for Jay talking once before. Hope Jem/Angel realises what a lucky girl she is.
BTW hope you don't mind but made passing reference to Jem n Rayne in Ditz Diary 5. k-jo
I was lying down minding my own business when life came by and drove right over me
Ditzy Diary is pretty cute:)
And I didn't mind it at all and don't mind the J-talking at all. Angel really does know how lucky she is especially after being so ostracized and alone for so long.
*More Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Blush
I got Bailey blush now. ;) k-jo
I was lying down minding my own business when life came by and drove right over me
Blush
I got Bailey blush now. ;) k-jo
I was lying down minding my own business when life came by and drove right over me
Their voyage of discovery is nearly over.
Both Rayne and Angel have learned who they are.
I have to give Rayne top marks for doing what she did. In a way it had to be done for Angel to come to her epiphany and for Rayne to overcome the last lingering doubts caused by the manipulative BIT** known as Scummer. She is a brave woman despite all the doubts Scummer cultivated.
As much as I think they both might like the outcome of a leaky condom it is unlikely.
But saving some might be in their best interest if only to keep their options open.
I agree Angel IS just like her beloved late mother. A GREAT person and a great mother. Would be a pity if that wasn't continued.
Though that they both had cancer hints that maybe an adoption would be better but then who knows?
Both my mom and older sister died of cancer and neither was due to genetics just bad luck.
Wonder what is going on with the nasty goons Adam dealt with or with Adam and his equally asshole grandfather?
Adam is just arrogant enough and angry to kill grandpa, though likely getting killed or caught in the process. And thus would end their empire.
And what of the bikers?
And Scummer?
She's a creep but she had to learn it somewhere and does even SHE deserve to be one of Adam's puppet/victims?
BTW any chance Angel can work her magic on some of her friend's disfunctional families, maybe salvage something of it for them? Unlikely but so far she has proved more than capable.
Nice stuff.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Scummer knew what she has gotten into I think
... and she has done it with eyes wide open, so I do not think her a clueless puppet/victim who naively got caught on Adumb's string, and, she is trying to manipulate Adumb in turn of course. Two grifters and soulless sociopaths getting their comeuppance together is just the ticket.
Kim
No...I think really, the whole discovery process is just....
starting. And that's a good thing it's more like all the crap's gone or getting cleared away and they can just start to really get to know each other, really know each other. More on Adam and Summer and the bikers will be coming.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Another for the lexicon
Gender hangover. A great turn of phrase Bailey to describe such an awful thing. I'm glad those days are so long gone now for myself. All-in-all I prefer alcohol induced hangovers!
A fitting ending chapter to this little trinity depicting the disaster of their first and last 'boy-girl' (for want of a better term) sexual encounter. Those two need some serious cuddling time to make up for that and make some more positive emotions.
*hugs*
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Cuddling time
I second the motion for some good old fashion cuddling time. Good chapter as always.
*huggs*
-Elsbeth
Is fearr Gaeilge briste, ná Béarla clíste.
Broken Irish is better than clever English.
I though the term applied.
Angel though would likely prefer the alcohol ones too but she's really never drank either except the odd beer as Jason.
Angel will definitely be in for many sessions of cuddling in the future.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Well Done!
In my world I struggled with the confusion, even through 2 Marriages (totalling more than 15 years). I have never had any kind of orgasm during penetrative sex, and only 2 any other way. My current wife knew about my problem from the first. We laugh that her previous husband gave her two kids, out of 5 pregnancies, but I gave her the first orgasms she ever had. As a lesbian, I'm a success!
I think it's great that Angel and Rayne have the clarity of knowing who they are (at least as far as this matter goes). At least they have an idea what it is they need to do now.
Wren
Thanks Wren:)
It really means a lot for you to share these things with us. I was hoping that the parts of this story didn't just entertain but to tell the story of other people as well too. You're right the girls are well ahead of the game with a head start of knowing these important parts of each other ahead of time.
*Great Big Hugs.*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
So, Jem Is
Gender Dysphoric/Gender Dismorphic or even some combination. Her body's sex is wrong, that is, it's form is wrong. The terms are kind of funny, because her gender is correct and she's living it; it matches her brain! At least she has that part figured out correctly. Passing completely and having a partner already are also big items in making a great start.
When I got on HRT and just started feeling it, I didn't think this, but I'm sure that my junk would have stayed flat and numb under all circumstances. Since I'm pretty linear, and I'd been saving money for long enough; what I did was completely straight forward: I scheduled my surgery for a year after starting HRT.
Jem might be able to take her mind and do something mental/spiritual to be able to survive OK without surgery. That's up to Bailey!
OTOH, Gem might feel like me, burdened by something that didn't belong to me or on me. Having it there also blocked what I wanted to have. That wrong junk had to go! Some say the surgery is "the icing on the cake"; since I didn't have to worry about it, I don't know, but I really wanted my Op a whole lot! Gem might, too.
Maybe the biker gang will pay for hers. OH HECK! I forgot! Canada pays for it!!! Yaaayyyyy
Maybe, somehow her wait time can be shortened significantly.
(I knew one Tgal, in AZ, who went to Montreal. I don't know what she told Menard and company, but she only lived full time and was on HRT for about 6 months. She got in before Kim, who had to wait until after Menard's summer break. We feel like she cheated! She did have a BF waiting; I don't know if she told him.... She did lie a lot!)
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Thanks Renee:) I think that its an important part of Angel's
pysche that she's discovered and is facing and coming to terms with. But you're right there's a great head start by just being in an understanding and loving relationship.
Thanks for sharing so much too!
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Clarifications
Both Angel and Rayne tried a little too hard to try and please the other, but it rather backfired. I think they've now clarified what they want from the more sensual side of their relationship - namely that despite a certain appendage and lack of two others on Angel's part, they are actually lesbians and prefer doing "bedroom aerobics" the lesbian way. Oh, and they've both confirmed in different ways that a certain appendage is no substitute for "toys"...
Instead, I think they've both realised the way they've handled each other in the bedroom before the previous night is a much better way of doing things.
However, that fateful night and the morning after the night before weren't the only developments. Rayne helped out with the music uploading and rights acquisitions etc., and with the suggestion that they both think about enrolling at college, it's likely that in the future their 'home times' will coincide, so even more than at present, they'll be joint 'managers' of the band, with Rayne increasingly being involved with the business side of the band. Eventually (perhaps during school/college holidays), Kim and Brook could also be introduced, so the band will eventually run as a self-contained cooperative, with each of the four members playing their part in doing all the things managers and record labels usually do on behalf of bands. That, together with their "take things one step at a time" approach, is a further example of why Adam's going to have problems with them - he expects bands to be clueless about the business side, expecting someone to manage on their behalf, as well as expecting bands to want fame and fortune NOW rather than working slowly to build up a reputation within the local community, then possibly spread further entirely on word-of-mouth. He's got Kisses and Thorns booked with one regular gig (at the school), whereas by courting the goodwill of business owners, Starlight Butterfly have three nights a week at two different venues. They've also got an additional steady source of income from singles sales on iTunes.
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
It's sort of been a back goal of Angel's.
to get Rayne more into the running of the band and making the band more hands on with each other even. She would love to see them all have parts of the business that they'd handle but know all the ins and outs too.
Just like she wants all the girls to shine in the band either through singing or playing and even videos.
And she's at least pretty serious about their educations and fall back plans for the future as well.
She want's to do this right, everyone thinks about the fame and cash but Angel's actually thinking about trying to have Starlight Butterfly still playing twenty years from now even if they never get hugely famous.
Famous would be good but so would college gigs, bus tours and playing fairs and festivals as long as they keep the net stuff going.
Now if her and Rayne can get as good a handle in their personal lives then she'd be very happy.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Beautifully written
Beautifully written I tried to explain the same thing to people and you have done an awesome job..
Love and Hugs
Hanna
Love And Hugs Hanna
((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))((((((((♥)))))))
Blessed Be
I think people here get it more but I tried to get it right.
Sometimes though just getting it out there means everything though.
*Love and Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers