Jem…Chapter 66

Chapter 66

Sometimes there’s no sleep like falling into an emotionally exhausted sleep. I remember Rayne holding me tightly and her singing me to sleep because I’d asked her to. But she’s not there when I’m waking up but her side of the bed is still warm.

We made love last night and I was….well I was very unsure if her and me and being together like her and Jason would be was a good idea. Thinking back on it I was scared of it but I didn’t want to disappoint her and we went with it.

Bad idea and good idea both at the same time.

Everything was so amazing right up until we had penetrative sex. I loved the closeness of it the intimacy of it but it was also like the mechanics of it…was like suddenly discovering that you have a fear of heights.

It wasn’t like masturbation at all this was real and the fantasies in my brain didn’t mesh with what had happened. I can admit it felt good…I’m human and unfortunately male in my biology…yeah I mean that unfortunately.

After my orgasm like that with Rayne and the feelings of everything shutting down and stuff of going limp I wasn’t just hit with the whole guilt like I would sometimes get when I’d relieve myself of stuff… but this really horrible sensation of it wasn’t supposed to be like this, and I’d never ever felt that about my sex parts before.

Our lovemaking was like Christmas or it was supposed to be like that with all the joy and the love and the build up and the ending of it was like finding out that Santa wasn’t real.

I’m not a guy….I don’t think that I really was ever and all of this just thrashed everything loose inside and without my daily doses of hell and suffering my brain’s apparently discovering all sorts of new things about myself.

Yay me…

I sit up and I carefully rub at my eyes and get the hard little crusties out and slip out of bed.

I’m headed to the bathroom when I hear Rayne and Brook talking.

“You and Angel did the deed last night huh?”

“You heard us?”

“Yeah but you don’t have the look of a girl that got laid.”

“I did but then I didn’t it all went sideways.”

“Sideways?”

“I had Angel inside of me…”

“Uhm…ain’t that against some kind of lesbian law?”

“No, don’t be a dumbass Brook…I thought it’s be okay, that I’d be okay with it since Summer and I you know used toys and stuff.”

“And there was no joy?”

“Nope, well everything but that was good.”

“So not loving the cock then.”

“No…no joy about the cock…it wasn’t like a toy, it wasn’t bad…like freak me out horrible bad and but it just wasn’t the same…the shape and the feel wasn’t…”

“So why even bother, you had to know that you would’ve hated it?”

“I didn’t hate it, it was just wrong…”

“Does Angel know?”

“It was worse for angel actually?”

“Worse?”

“Okay I’ve been reading up on this whole transgendered stuff and there’s a lot of stories and there a lot of testimonies of lesbians in relationships with T-girls and I thought we’d be okay but like I said it really…went sideways.”

“With Angel…I mean when the two of you hooked up the first time at the house it was all Yayness.”

“Yeah and it was and so was the other night downstairs on the couch but I think when we went all the way we shook loose the whole stuff that was the crossing of Jason and angel and it didn’t go over well.”

“Huh?”

“They call being transgendered sometimes Gender Dismorphic Disorder or GID and after we were done I think the dismorphic became crystal clear.”

“Okay…”

“I made love to Angel but that other part was Jason right?”

“Right.”

“Jason’s never really truly been Jason.”

“Okay and…?”

“Brook…Angel came but she came the totally wrong way and it was Angel I was making love to last night. So all that build up and passion had her experiencing a car wreck to her psyche rather than take flight like she was expecting.”

“So….Angel got off and she didn’t like it?”

I open the door and step out into the hall. “No…I had a physical reaction Brook but it wasn’t me…it was my biology but it wasn’t me…”

“But you have had orgasms before with Rayne?”

“Yes and they were great but it wasn’t the same these were from me reacting and getting taken over that point of no return like any other girl would have been.”

“So the difference…?”

“My heart and my soul was all in, full me, full woman and then what should be something totally intense and deep and beautiful was replaced by something that was completely alien…or alien to me.”

“Oh…then, yuck right?”

“Right and not only was it bad it was punctuated with the reminder that this isn’t just alien but it’s there, part of me and it really changed everything…and not in a good way.”

“Oh…shit.”

“Yeah…”

I’m looking down and feeling kind of ick…it’s that reminder just by talking about this that I’m wrong.

I mean not inside I’m…well odds are that needs work and I’m likely a good candidate for therapy but I can sort of feel that lingering feeling of this isn’t right there…

Great I have a gender hangover.

Rayne slips over and kisses me gently. “You okay?”

“No…but shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“I’m fine…”

“You didn’t want me inside of you…and we did that it’s not fine.”

“It is…and technically you’re the first who’s been there.”

“I’m sorry Rayne we shouldn’t have…”

She kisses me again. “Hey…look at me.” I look into her eyes.

“I wasn’t a virgin…Summer took that from me…and she was really the person that made me sure that I was a lesbian…you changed that…I AM in Love with YOU…Angel and yeah the biology question made me thing that maybe I might be bisexual. I mean I’ve never really hated on guys on like lesbian principle so maybe….and it turns out that I wasn’t bisexual.”

“I….”

“Angel…we’ll get passed this whole thing…I love you and we’ve been intimate in other ways…what happened last night wasn’t the end of the world it was us learning stuff about each other and our selves and we’re still in love right.”

“Oh God yes! I was so scared that this would change things with us.”

“It hasn’t not in the important ways. We’re just going to have to deal.”

“Okay…I think that I can deal…I…God Rayne I hate being like this it just feels…”

“Like you’re living a lie….I’ve read that being trans really is like being it the closet but even when you’re out somethings tied you up so you’re still not free.”

“Yeah kind of like that actually…I think if I was still trying to live as Jason and this came to the surface I’d be like crazy…or maybe crazier than I am now…but right now it’s like yeah I’m Angel but it’s not quite right….and…it…”

“Sucks?” Brooklyn asks.

I nod. “Well yeah that’s a given but no…this is like being hurt…or wounded only you can’t heal it all the way and right now I’m not sure if I can even treat the pain right.”

They both hug me and Rayne nuzzles my neck. “I called in sick.”

“Rayne you might lose you job doing that.” It’s true; Hellmart isn’t referred to as Hellmart without good reasons. But there’s this part of me that’s really kind of quietly all squee over this.

“Let them, I think we might be actually making enough money to keep afloat especially after the jobs you landed us at The Amsterdam. Or al east we can stay afloat long enough for me to get a better job.”

“Okay…but…”

“But what?”

“But if we’re going too seriously look at that then we should seriously look at you going back to school.”

“Back to school? No thanks I’ve got my GED.”

“Yeah well what about getting like something towards community college?”

“Maybe.”

“You’ll have a better chance at a better job…”

Brook laughs and kisses my cheek and heads downstairs. “Ange cheer up! You’re still the absolutely the girliest out of all of us and you’re even getting the whole nagging girlfriend thing going on.”

I blush at that and Rayne’s got a big smile. “She’s right you are the girliest out of all of us hon and you don’t even try at it.”

“Hey! I try at it.”

“And you’re so good at it a natural lipstick.”

“Really?”

“Yeah really.”

“Okay I feel a little bit better now.”

“Good and if we’re really going to look at me going to school for something then you’re going too.”

“I was planning on getting my GED too then trying to take some business classes like Mr. Walker said I should.”

“Not high-school?”

“No….I’m so done with high school after the hell that I’ve been through there and going back…even without Adam I’d go postal on someone.”

“Okay, come on let’s go get breakfast and stuff.”

I kiss her and head to the bathroom and do my business and okay it’s feeling a little different now that I get it, the whole me thing and what’s really going on and everything so sitting to pee even equipped as I am has a different meaning to it now as does the feeling of tucking and feeling better for doing it and getting that sort of right look in my underwear.

Well it’s not tucking so much as making sure I’m flattened but the results are the same. I honestly feel more me like this. I fuss and primp a bit in front of the mirror and while I’m not doing any make up or anything just getting myself together right makes a difference.

But I do go and get my inserts and clean them off and get rid of those stupid wires and everything and slip them into a clean bra and get everything settled and the look and the weight feels…it makes me have a good that’s better sigh.

I head downstairs and I guess I’m getting the special treatment this morning because all the girls are making breakfast. Rayne’s making coffee and Brooklyn’s making some scrambled eggs and Kimmie’s there making toast and setting out the jams.

It’s a nice breakfast and we eat and the girls take off to hog the bathrooms and get ready for school and I start a second pot of coffee and Rayne and I do the dishes.

I really like it when she steps right up against me and she presses into me and she reaches around and it’s sweet and sort of sexy as we wash the dishes together like that. I know it sounds weird but to hard her hands touching mine and being soapy and these intimate little slides of her fingers and stuff it’s really romantic and awesome.

I really like her taking care of me like this.

I like being the “girl” in this relationship.

I think that Rayne likes too being the one in more control of things this time too. It doesn’t take that long before we’re done and we’re getting our cups of coffee and a blanket from the couch and we sit out on the front steps and we just sit and sort of cuddle and just take some us time sitting there in the chilly fall air and watching things.

I like this.

We stay until our mugs are dry and we eventually get up and head back inside and Rayne gets the stuff for our computers set back up and I join her and we start going through our songs and our playlist and videos and stuff and I’m sending money from our bank and PayPal accounts to cover the fees for getting the songs we want to use registered and pay the fees and the percentages for us doing video covers we’re putting our songs and a few of our covers up on I-Tunes today and that means we have to pay for the rights to use the cover materials and then set it up for the band and all the others involved to get their cuts.

Its work and it’s not at the same time.

And we’re actually doing pretty well with the PayPal monies that the fans online are sending into us. It’s not huge cash but at the same time it’s a decent amount of money too that’s being built up and it actually covered all of our costs and we used our credit card account to pay everything then transferred the money from the PayPal account to cover the credit card account.

I think that’s supposed to help out credit. I’m actually interested in that stuff more and more.

We’re actually making money not long after announcing that we have songs and are on I-Tunes on our sights and it’s really, really cool to watch that happen.

And I can’t help but to smile when Rayne rubs my back and starts giving me a massage. “So how about we got out for awhile?”

“You’re sick.”

“No, I called in sick and Wall-Mart is never going to run my life.”

“Okay sure.”

“We’ll go grab some lunch and maybe do some shopping?”

“Lunch? We had…oh…” I look at the clock on the computer and its quarter passed one already.

“Yeah we need to get out and take a break.”

“Are we really going shopping?”

“Yes…you need more things Angel, you’re way behind on all the stuff that you’ve always should have had.”

“True, but I’m keeping receipts maybe I can get reimbursed for some of this with the RCMP.”

She helps me up and I’m more than ready to actually go out and do something and getting cleaned up and prettied up to head out even casually helps too. I know this is something that I can do.

I survived Adam and his bullying for years.

I survived losing my mother who might have seen that she had a little girl instead of a son.

I survived cancer.

I will be able to do this; I will be able to fight my way into healing myself.

I touch up my hair, and brush once more with the powder on my face and add a little light frosted pink lipstick and smile at myself. I say to the mirror.

“Hey you…I see you.”

I grab my purse and my guitar case and head downstairs to where Rayne’s waiting.