Jem…Chapter 51

Chapter 51

I should be more nervous than this about getting Dad to come over and telling him. I might be in shock, I’ve actually wondered if part of me isn’t stunned by this a little. I keep turning it over and over in my head as I make breakfast and really it’s just.

It’s where I might have been headed anyway.

I have a Mom thing.

Yes I know but I know that this is part of me. I lost her really young and it’s a deep part of my psyche. If had of been Dad it’d be the same thing we were a close and happy family.

I’m hormonally challenged, when I had my treatments for my cancer it hurt other stuff too, there were side effects and I ended up losing a testicle and that was pre-puberty so I didn’t really get the full blast of guy that some did…I’m sure that had an effect. I’m still sexually capable and I still like girls even though the thing with Mike happened I might be bi or pan.

I like female singers and I like singing their stuff I always have sung along to them when I was alone now I’m doing it as a band but still.

I think that stuff that something was there.

And then there’s the sex.

Rayne’s my first sexual partner ever and I’m the bottom, the flower to her bee, the girl in this relationship at least sexually.

And it doesn’t bother me.

I’d sure as heck likely enjoy sex with Rayne the regular way if it ever happened but I’ve got no really heavy drive or fantasies of driving into her and just humping away.

And actually getting to have a life…bonus.

Actually liking that life…bonus.

It’s all of that stuff. I have never really minded the clothes or the make-up or the dressing and I actually kind of enjoy it. I like getting to not have to follow the rule of macho-law where if I’m hurt or moved I can cry and not get accused of being a wuss or a fag and other lovely stuff.

I don’t have to deal with the whole guy and sex thing. There’s a lot of stuff about being a guy that’s really okay but there’s also all of these expectations too even in bed.

It’s kind of like I’m pan-gendered?

See as much as I said that there’s stuff that I can sure do without in being a guy…I never really had a problem with it. I liked being myself when I could be myself.

And that led me here.

Jem was a great way to disappear Jason and I had to make Angel up at first but it wasn’t as weird as I thought it was going to be. Then it was just getting more and more easy and natural and normal and I started to get that I wasn’t being hunted down like this because of Adam and his psycho vendetta. True he doesn’t like me as Angel but he’s got a bad case of the want but can’t haves.

So that led me into just letting go and at first it was like taking a vacation from being Jason then it was…then it’s really just me being me.

But me as a girl, as Angel.

And It’s really come to the point of I am Angel, I mean really.

So I guess that’s why in my head that I’m good with it as much as I am. I just hope that Dad is too.

I head upstairs with the food on a tray and Rayne’s still asleep when I get up there and just watching her sleep makes me smile. Though I am wondering if it’s the sex thing too. I really slept well this morning after everything and It was different after the whole tired self love thing.

Part of me so want’s to slide back into bed with her. I think that sleeping with someone, that having someone has to be at least as good as the sex stuff. Maybe there’s a lot more to Making Love than that. Maybe it’s all the other stuff too.

I set stuff to the side and I lean over and kiss her…I have to roll her over and likely wake her up but when I do it’s with a long soft waking up sleeping beauty kiss.

Then she does these amazing things…she crinkles her nose the she sighs and opens her eyes.

“Mmm…morning…”

“It’s a good morning, well afternoon.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh, you want coffee?”

“Mmm, love some.”

I get her coffee from the tray as she does this amazing cat stretch. That’s such a female thing and I sort of wonder if I’ll be doing that just as naturally. I pass her the mug once she’s got her hair out of her face.

She takes it but pulls me into a long coffee kiss. “Thank you, I’ve never had someone bring me coffee in bed.”

“Mmm…full service girlfriend at your service.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

She’s looking at me like she’s trying to get it. She knows I just said something serious and her brain’s trying to boot up. She blinks a few times. “You sure about this?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Rayne it’s who I am now.”

“But your dad?”

“Dad’s coming over we’re going to talk.”

“Already?”

“No, there’s no already about it hon. It’s more like a simple yes to being me.”

“This isn’t because of me…?”

“Really? Rayne I love you but honestly this is about being who I am.”

“You sure?”

“Yes I’m sure.”

“You…”

I kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. “Yes dammit I’m sure? I Want this…I Need this okay?”

“Uhm…okay?”

“Good. Now here’s your breakfast.” I giver her another kiss then I reach over and set the tray over her legs. I love the way her eyes go wide.

“Angel….”

“Full service girlfriend remember?”

“No one’s ever done this for me before…”

“Good I want more firsts Rayne.”

“You do?”

“Yes, of course I do. I want to love and feel my way through the world with you.”

She blushes then rubs a tear or two away and smiles at me. “Thank you beautiful.”

I get up and I kiss her again.

“I’m going to go down and wait for Dad.”

“Okay…you want me to come down?”

“It’s okay, eat take a long bath. I this is something I’ve got to get through with me and him right now.”

“Okay…”

I head downstairs and head into the kitchen and yes I’m nervous but at the same time I’m pretty good about things.

I grab some bread and cut slices and then grab some bacon and eggs and some cheese slices. I whip up some slices of French toast first while the bacon’s cooking in the microwave and then make grilled cheeses with a slice of French toast in the middle and crispy bacon.

I’m making canned tomato soup or heating it when I see Dad pulling in. I meet him at the door and oh of course being Dad he’s carrying two arms laden with bags of groceries. I take some of the bags off his wrists.

“Dad…I wanted to talk, you didn’t have to do this.”

“I’ve got four girls now to love and look out for right?” He looks me right in the eyes from that close and he knows…hell he likely had this figured out before me. I have this huge lump to swallow.

“Yeah you do?”

We barely get inside the door when he sets the plastic bags down and he pulls me into this huge Dad only big crushing hugs. I cry, I cry and I shake and he picks me up when my legs give and he carries me into the kitchen.

I really didn’t think I was hanging by that much of a thread, or that scared. There has to be some kind of special magic that Dad’s have. Mom’s have their powers the ability to create stuff from almost nothing, to cook and clean and care with joy and then there’s Dad’s.

Who can say hundreds of things without words, who can make the whole world better and everything alright with something as simple as taking you into your arms and hugging you.

And mine can do all of that and using only one arm he can also keep the soup from burning on the stove.

It takes me awhile to get it together but I look at him.

“Dad…You know I love you right?”

“Of course I do, no doubts.”

“You know if it was really who I was I wouldn’t mind being like you right?”

“Angel…I’d have liked to have a kid that’s into some of the same stuff as me but that’s never the point of having children…I want my child to be HAPPY…you came from love Angel, it doesn’t even matter what you do, who you need to be, if you stumble as you run or if you soar. I just want you to be happy and loved.”

(Sniffle-sob.) “Daddy…”

He hugs me really tight.

“And for the record young lady I’m so proud of you. You came into becoming this amazing girl. I’ve always been proud of you as Jason, you were always so brave but you changed as you became more and more this amazing girl. You’ve taken all the really amazing things that you’ve always been and you’ve let them out. You pull people along with you picking them up along the way. You’re Mom was like that and you are so much like her.”

(Sniffle-sob.) “I am?”

“Yeah and right now she’s happy y’know.”

(Sniffle.) “She is?”

“Yeah I know her honey, your Mom was the love of my life, my best friend long before we became lovers and still my best friend after we got married…it never changed. Right now she’s happy because we’re so lucky.”

(Sniffle.) “Lucky?”

“Yeah I get to have had an incredible son and I get to have an amazing and talented and beautiful daughter. And she gets to see you become this amazing girl that I know she’s hugely proud of her baby girl.”

“Dad…”

I hug him and bury my face into his shoulder and cry some more. Just the stuff he said and that she might say and I swear I feel her on the other side of the hug as I cry a good cry on my Daddy’s shoulder.

I can almost see her in my head just like she stepped up out of thin air to wrap me up in a hug of her own. I know it’s the sunshine from the window, and maybe the heat from the stove but I still feel her.

It’s the her that travels around in Dad’s heart.

It’s something I really believe in….we all carry pieces of those we love inside of us. And sometimes when we get those feelings just right inside of us or sharing them with others we bring them back to life.

I just stay there and breathe in his arms and soak this feeling into my heart for as long as I can.

~Hi…Mum…It’s Angel….Thanks for loving me.~