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Author's Note: Picture used with permission from *lavonia on deviantart.

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Chapter 118
 

Jem… Chapter 118

Chapter 118

*Summer…Thursday night…

We’re at Lucky’s getting ready to go out on the stage and I’ve had a joint with the crew and had some of Hannah’s concoction which isn’t half bad it’s green tea with honey in it and it’s got like some ginger too but she sort of cut the grassy and too sweet thing with green apple juice.

Sigh, yeah… she got me to buy some more stuff that she says that we needs and suddenly we have a juicer that she bought from the Salvation Army store and she like does things.

Like green apple juice, or like juice from beet tops…bleech. But this tea stuff is actually pretty good for the pipes when I sing and stuff so it’s like not all bad.

I’m going to still voice my protests against some of her other crap though even though Muzz is freaking happy as hell. That green apple stuff from the juicer she cooked it up with spices like hot peppers and onions but tossed in cinnamon and raisins and cloves and then mixed it up with raisins and cooked up ground pork and some sausage and made this whole thing into a pie!

It smelled good, like something Christmas like but it just…no…meat with like fruit and like sausage…gross.

But she and Muzz ate it and she had a slice with cheese over it melted in the nuke and he ate the rest with three cans of beer and was a completely different guy for like hours all sleepy and content but nice enough he like helped with cleaning up and stuff.

It’s odd how much Hannah’s just kind of jumped into the center of things with us and with me.

I mean she’s super talented and stuff and she’s got material that she’s sort of working on to like convert from like solo stuff to like for us and at the same time…as much as she trusts me and stuff I know she can’t fucking stand Adam.

It’s like really messed up that she trusts me more than she trusts him.

Ah well… I don’t have the time right now to get all whatever about stuff we have a gig to play and we’re kind of sort of lucky that we got back in to play here at Lucky’s.

Again something that Hannah did being all cute and charming and stuff. But we’re not Raine and Angel we’re not Starlight Butterfly and we don’t do half the ass kissing shit that they do.

Yeah…yeah I’m still kind of pissed off because all that shit that they’re doing all the gig’s and steady gigs that should be me and K&T doing those shows and not us picking up their scraps and stuff.

I finish my drink and pour some more to take out on the stage and there’s some people there in the crowd and stuff because it’s like Thursday night and a lot of folks get paid and stuff on Thursdays and Lucky’s is kinda one of the good places to come and do stuff.

The best way to get the show started to get like any show started is to play something that will like grab their attention and stuff so we open up with AC/CD’s *Rock and Roll Ain’t Noise Pollution.* and that’s always a good choice.

Then it’s *Brace for Impact* By K&T and we rock that one out too and it’s one of ours and that’s actually doing really well for us since Adam has gotten involved and people can download our songs and our covers now that he’s got all of the legal stuff taken care of and everything.

Yeah even the songs that were from when I was in SLB we can do that with and I don’t have to pay them shit but at the same time we can’t stop Raine and them from playing them too. Apparently it’s like the Steven Page ruling or something y’know the cokehead that got cut from The Barenaked Ladies…well apparently he’s still allowed to sing anything that he did while with the band.

It’s why I can use them too because even if I didn’t write them I sand them and they were a critical part of my act and career.

All sort of stuff like that…but that’s for him to deal with and stuff.

I’m just here doing it all until I get out of here with my break finally and once I do whatever big studio I’m involved with can deal with Adam’s studio and shit like that.

So we go through our stuff mixing our songs in with the covers and the first half of the show is our harder stuff and faster rock with our G’n R covers and others and we’ve added *Cherry Bomb* By The Renegades to that set and *Helter Skelter* By The Beatles especially after Hannah showed me the woman that covered it in that movie musical “Beyond the Universe.” I really dug that and could see myself belting it out like that.

Then there’s the second half that’s our slower stuff for the get up and use the dance floor crowd and stuff in that later in the night slow dancing way and we have those songs going for us along with *Sunshine* By K&T written by Hannah and she has us actually doing a cover of *Can’t get you out of my head* By ELO and *I will follow you into the dark* By Deathcab for Cutie and that’s a song that I actually don’t mind.

All and all it actually wasn’t a bad night and we did alright and got out of there and headed for home after getting paid.

Kinda night that I like to have or have more of actually.

After that it was settling down after getting the stuff unpacked and cleaned and everything and Hannah actually makes that suck a lot less as she cranks the stereo and gets stuff going in the kitchen and rolls a bunch of joints for all of us and we smoke and get a little blazed and that sort of helps get everything unpacked faster and stuff and while we’re doing all of that she had a bowl of left over macaroni pasta and hamburger and she added some more macaroni to it and cooked off some more hamburger in it and she then mixed it all up with like other stuff and cheese and baked this big assed bunch of mac ‘n cheese with this potato chip crumb crust as a topping.

It’s fattening as shit but I don’t care because it’s like all burnt off on stage and stuff anyways but it’s like super hella good as late night after gig munchies.

Semi-high and full and paid and done everything it’s actually kind of nice crashing with her and making out slowly and stuff.

Though we don’t do much more than that because we’re stoned full and tired and…and Hannah was sort of having body shit…It has to suck when something just kind of triggers that stuff and a trans person gets like run over by it and stuff.

And I like hold her because it’s like…sometimes I just want that too.

*Friday…

Well Friday’s the same as Thursday we just kind of recover and we hang around the house and stuff then it’s practice for the gig and it’s going over our gear because we’re back at Lucky’s again while Raine and SLB are doing their thing at The Amsterdam.

I’ve really got the whole sense though that Charlie needs us there to compete with the other guy who has SLB playing and as much as I hate, hate to admit it I guess Raine and Angel put on a really decent show.

Hannah’s doing iffy all day.

It kind of sucks too just kind of watching her go through that stuff but at the same time…it’s likely good for the music her going through all her stuff and then it’s the fact that I can’t perform like a miracle, I can’t beat back the pain and the stuff she’s been through.

And the pain it always is there just sort of waiting to like surface.

I kind of leave her alone for a lot of the day and afternoon and let her try to deal and stuff.

She was good at Lucky’s and she kinda pulled her shit together and when she was playing it seemed to all fade away into the background for her and we actually had a good time while we were doing the gig.

*Saturday…

It was an iffy night to be honest and Hannah had one of those nights that I get where her dysphoria was running headlong into her self-esteem and with the scars that she has from her past both like on the surface and under it well it ran her over like a semi-truck against a Volvo.

Yeah I’m a bitch, and I’m that way to a lot of people but at the same time I get scars like that. The inside ones don’t often heal right and depending on how and where you grew up and everything they can get like infected by where you live.

No…I’m not gonna get into my own damage.

But Friday’s the school show and it’s our signature at the moment steady gig and well honestly I don’t give a shit. It’s Adam’s school which is fucked up since he goes to regular high school and the only reason his family does that is because they like the way that looks publically for like the press and stuff.

Because it’s so like down there with the like proletariat and stuff that they are going to school with the masses.
Meanwhile he runs the school like a massive fucking ego-stroke and he knows and sort of like bullies all those other kids he’s going to school with in that sneaky way that carries on after high school.

No seriously, in a small town like this with all the stuff going on having that kind of even like mind fuck edge with people is a thing.

It’s like conditioning, they know how powerful he is and his family is because he makes sure that they know and the dance is one of those things.

We have people we went to school with that we all hate or like totally dislike and stuff and fear’s the same thing as is kissing ass.

Guaranteed there’ll be more people years from now that will have fucked up in life and think that they might do better by kissing Marshall ass.

And I think the whole Marshall family knows this.

But yeah…anyways… it’s a gig even if I’m not too thrilled about it with it kind of being that we’re playing a Friday night for the same crowds over and over and we kind of sort of change things up some but it’s still kind of blaaargh.

But it pays and it gets us some rep and stuff I guess.

But really it’s glorified band practice for us and an ego-stroke for Adam. Trust me the school wouldn’t have a dance every weekend and the only reason that they are here is his money is paying for the gym and the school is getting something out of it.

I roll out of bed and ruffle my fingers through my hair…it helps wake me up, always did and slip on some panties and a tee shirt and Hannah’s still out of it in bed. It was a long night for her especially after work and I think…I think this stuff might have been dogging her all day.

I go and take a pee and have a smoke and then head downstairs trying to be quiet and not wake her.

So…what to do?

Like okay I’m not really a cook but a fun breakfast might help her out. No seriously when you come from a shitty home you either don’t have the things that a whole lot of other kids call a happy normal childhood or things are that bad that the good parts, the good moments get swallowed up by just trying to survive.

So…like I look for food that someone like me can put together for her to cheer her up.

And yeah it’s still part of the plan.

I dig out some chocolate chip Eggos and I find the whip cream and some strawberry jam and then I go and I look for some other things…Her laptop which I use and I know her passwords and stuff but instead of checking out what she’s done I go to an anime site and I get it all loaded to watch Sailor Moon and then I roll another joint and I make her well us some breakfast.

I take some bacon out from the fridge and I put it on a plate in the nuke, I like in microwaved because it gets crispy and it stays straight. While that’s doing I make a pot of coffee using our French press pot and then the rest… Some jam on the plate to stick the first waffle to then the waffle and then some vanilla ice cream…yes I’m adding ice cream at the spur of the moment pressing it smooshed down with a fork on a saucer first… and then some more jam and then another waffle and some more ice cream and then top it with whipped cream out of the can and a cherry from the cupboard that I saw while rooting around.

Serious Hannah bought like baking stuff…okay some is like from the dollar store and stuff but still.

I add the bacon last and have two plates and I take the coffee up and her laptop and the joints first and then set up one of the folding card tables for the laptop and the coffee and I lean crawl over the bed and I move her hair and kiss her.

Her eye opens a bit and she looks at me and her eyes are still a little bit red from last night.

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…is..is something wrong?”

“Nope just a care day.”

“Huh?” She looks confused and not really awake.

“A care day, for you…”

(Sniffle.) “Me…why?”

“Because some of your wounds and shit re-opened and stuff last night and you had a really shitty night even after we had a pretty decent set.”

(Sniffle.) “I’m sorry…” She has that I fucked things up whine going on and I shoot closer and tilt her chin up and kiss her. I can’t help but like the inhale of surprise and the wide eyes that get so big and do the blink, blink, blink thing.

I break the kiss. “Look you don’t have to be sorry and you don’t have to blame yourself for being broken…YOU didn’t do the breaking Hannah it’s not on you…but if it’s okay I kind of wanna hold you today and kept the pieces all together and stuff.”

She does the blink, blink thing and she nods but two streams of tears flow out of her eyes and down her face and she looks hurt and amazing and something else all at the same time.

I pass her the joints and my lighter and smile. “Here...get started on one of those and there’s coffee there and I’ll bring up breakfast.”

(Sniffle.) “You cooked?”

“No I toasted and microwaved and poured so not quite the same thing but yeah I made food for you.”

I leave and there’s…

There’s I dunno something there when I can hear her talking to herself….

“Someone made food for me….”

Yeah…

And that’s the day really…I bring up breakfast and we smoke our joints and counter it partway with coffee and we eat breakfast together sharing it and we watch Sailor Moon.

I’ve never really watched this stuff before and yeah at first it’s pretty hokey and stuff but you kind of get into it after a couple of shows and after the sixth show Tara (Bass) and Dee (Keyboards) join us and it kind of becomes a girl thing.

I really normally hate girl things, me and other girls usually don’t mix at all unless there’s this clearly defined fact that I’m the boss. It’s…it’s a hold over form my own school days.

People are assholes and going to an all-girls school the bullying isn’t ever any easier, in fact it’s worse. See in a mixed school the bitches will stop at least if they have to be fake nice in front of the boys.

No I don’t have a problem shitting on other women because I’m a lesbian, or rather bi-leaning…there’s a lot of stuff in the lesbian communities too and with each sex and stuff…I’ve met enough shitty people that I don’t like most of humanity.

Or trust them…

You can’t even trust blood family.

We actually chill until it’s time to get ready for our show and we get ready and we kind of are working on a look…black combat boots or S&M boots and red plaid skirts for the girls and then some vintage punk stuff mixed with a school girls short sleeved white blouse and stuff.

I sort of want some edge to go with the thorns and this is a teen crowd too so we’re playing it kind of a punk thing or as close to what these assclowns know about punk rock.

And we’re getting ready and Hannah’s playing something that sounds like one of the songs I know from her computer that she’s been tinkering with.

“That new?”

“Yeah I was thinking that it’s cool and maybe good enough to do soon.”

“Tonight?”

“No…” I look at her and I nod. “We can learn the music and stuff because I know you’re ready and everything and I can learn the words and stuff pretty fast.”

“How do you know it’s all ready…?”

“Because, you actually want to do it you’re just scared to actually ask us if we will.”

Oh wow, shit I actually might be right about that because she like blushes and stuff. Then she opens a folder with everything already printed out and a sheepishly shy smile on her face.

I look it over and the music sheets are kind of good, it’s fast kind of a rock tune and I’m playing guitar notes in my head as I’m reading the music and trying to get a feel for it and it’s sort of got a thing a lot like but not copying Alice Cooper.

And it’s a good bunch of lyrics too.

“Look we roll this out tonight and we use the kids as a practice audience and stuff and then we do it like better and better later as we do it more and more.”

Muzz’s like. “An well it’ll look like we’re doing it hard too for them by like putting out a new tune like jus for the high school kids and stuff that’ll be good word of mouth.”

We all nod and they hug Hannah and me…Well it’s a few minutes of long slow kissing and slipping of the tongue and making her panties a bit uncomfortable before we have to leave for the school and our show.

………………………….I never went here and maybe that’s a good thing because it has a weird vibe to it, there’s a lot of new stuff in the school and it’s pretty clean even for a big high school in a small town area.

And there’s some weirdness going on too with the freaking kids here, there’s some of them sure that are normal and then there’s some that are dating…?

Well there are guys who are dating way above their hotness grades at all and the girls are pretty into it?

It’s not a big thing but still enough that I think I’d be out of my element here.

And then there’s just the fact that there seems to be a pretty strong preppy crowd here too…like all the kids that might have gone to the private schools aren’t because Adam isn’t are going to school here.

And the kicker?

Adam’s not even here.

Oh his stooge Justin’s here and holding court of his own and stuff and they’re like all doodbroing it up and stuff with the polo shirts and all the lameness and the jocks are there and the elite social climbing turds and stuff.

It’s a gig, it’s a gig…

I see someone tagged the wall of the staircase that leads from the back gym door hallway to the stage. “J the 13th.”

Okay…I’m not really getting that but I’ve seen it here before too in the school just not here. I get onstage and we start setting up and then it’s on with the show and us opening up with *Bittersweet Symphony* By the Verve and that’s got a great edge to it that we can build off of and then *Sweet child of Mine* By Guns and Roses and that’s got them into the up tempo stuff that we crank out *Brace for Impact* By K&T and then we hit into *Black Betty* By Ram Jam and that’s actually got them up and dancing enough to have a good time and then we…

“Alright people we’ve got another treat for y’all tonight and we’ve a new song that we’re going to debut here just for you!”

“This is Do You Feel Me!”

*Do you feel Me* By Kisses and Thorns.

My Breath…
Your Skin.
My Shimmy…
Your Jeans.
My Teeth…
Your Neck…
Today’s becoming tomorrow…And I got no regrets!

(Chorus)…Do you feel me!
When your pulse pounds!
Do you feel me!
When it’s going down!
Do you feel me!
When I look into your eyes!
Do you feel me…when I’m all opened up.

(Double drum beats) …”yeah…uh-huh..”

My Gasp…
Your Kiss…
Your Touch…
My Hiss…
Tonight’s becoming tomorrow!
And I want no regrets!
I wanna have that connection.
I don’t need games or tests…

(Chorus X2)

And wow…that’s a pretty fast song and it’s still a pretty good song and its good too because it’s all rebel and love and angst and stuff with just a good hint of dirty and there’s even that whole girl on girls kinda sorta hint to it too.

The rest of the night goes pretty damned good and we get the kids rocking along with us and it’s actually not as bad as it was looking to be actually.

It was a good night.

Even after we got home it was a good night. Hannah was really happy and she was really fired up and stuff because she had another one of her songs and stuff out there and she’s part of a real band and things and I’m stoked because that’s going to be another song, another step closer to me and my first record and one maybe without covers.

Okay yeah the band and stuff too but it’s MY band.

So we hit the bootleggers since the liquors stores are all closed and then we hit me connection and we get a decent sized baggy of weed and head home and get lit and party.

*Sunday…

Sleeping in… Hung-over and it’s a good day to just keep close to home and snuggle and recuperate.

I’ll tell you something though, if you can get past the not wanting to move and the rest of a hangover and have someone with you that is willing to roll a cone and make some coffee and give you a massage, a really good massage that leads to heavy petting and really slow making out and then long slow nice sex…

Yeah… (Smiles.)

Hannah’s all that really…she’s short and skinny and she’s got a shitload of hair in that kinky blonde cascading hair that she must have been growing out for like ever and then there’s the big eyes and that smile too.

I like her body, like I said I really don’t give too shits if she’s trans or not or that she has scars.

Actually not true…I might be everything that I am and as young as she is and as old as they are to be the kind of asshole to take the top part of a fishing rod and use it to cane your own kid for being trans.

Yeah that kind of shit gets me mad, and I am human enough that if I could find him I’d return the favor.

Seriously…abusing kids…like real kid, kids…before they have a chance to become assholes and hurting animals gets to me.

But okay…okay yeah it was one of those slow buried in the blankets and each other lesbian mornings that kind of is that slow and just right that it makes all the sort of crappy shit take a hike.

I dunno it’s like sometime in the early afternoon when Hannah rolls over and we’re kissing and stuff and I’ve two handfuls of her cute sexy little tits and she smiles at me.

“What?”

“I’m feeling Thankful.”

“Uhm…okay?”

“Can we get a bird?”

“Hell no I lived with a guy that had a parrot no birds.”

She giggles and kisses me and that does awesome things with the yay mounds in my palms and I feel pretty cool just like this.

“No….tomorrow’s Thanksgiving, I want to get a turkey.”

“Oh…well are you cooking it?”

“Natch were you?”

“No…not unless we all have a death wish.”

“So can we?”

I think about it for a minute. “We’ll be cutting it really, really close but sure.”

She kisses me and squeals and she’s so girly happy and in my arms that there’s really no doubt that Hannah is Hannah and she’s a girl.

Up close, laughing, touching there is no doubt.

She peels herself off of me and out of my arms and off to the shower and I can’t help but smile and light a smoke and have a few drags when I hear her do this bad Chinese accent and a line from Sixteen candles. “Oh…Sexy Girlfriend…”

I butt out the smoke and head in and join her.

……………………I’m wearing t-shirt and sweatpants and sunglasses and stuff as we head into Wholefoods and she’s humming as we’re walking in.

“You’re feeling better.”

“Yes, and you helped.”

“I didn’t help that much.”

“But a little help can be really huge hon.”

Hon….

I just try a semi-smile.

She gets a cart and she’s humming again. “New tune?”

“Sorta just a song from a band I like.”

“Oh?”

“They’re called Fun.”

“Fun?”

She nods and she turns around and she’s walking backwards pushing the cart and she starts to sing to me as she’s doing that.
“Da..da, da, da…dadada…daddada…” She’s harmonizing and people are kind of looking at us a bit.

“Well I woke up to the sound of silence and cries…”
“Were cutting like knives in a fistfight.”

“And I found you with a bottle of wine…”
“Your head in the curtains and heart like it the fourth of July…”

“You swore and said..”
“We are not…”
“We are not shining stars…”
“This I know, I never said that we are…”

“Though I’ve never been through hell like that…”
“I’ve closed enough windows to know you can never look back…”

She’s really good and she looks to see if she’s going to hit anyone and she’s clear so she pushes off and rides the cart as she sings the chorus to me out a little louder.

“If you’re lost and alone!”
“And you’re sinking like a stone…”
“Carry oooonnn….!”
“May your past be the sound!”
“Of your feet upon the ground!”
“Carry on, Carry on…!”

I catch up with her and I grab the cart and stop het before we hit someone and she’s smiling and her eyes are bright and she bites he lip in this really good way….and she hums through the song some more and she slips under my arms and she goes to the front of the cart and hangs onto the front of it smiling at me and I can’t help but to smile and be a bit bemused at her just singing and singing to me…in public and I get a grip and I push off with my foot.