Jem…Chapter 28

Chapter 28

We all kind of sat there for a few seconds or minutes just watching where Mike had been. I mean he just…

Kimmie’s voice was that sort of quiet awed. “That has to be the best thing that anyone has ever said to me in my life.”

Brooklyn’s looking confused and her eyes are shining with near tears and she’s looking at the computer then pulls her knees up wraps her arms around them and rests her head on Kimmie. “I…are…we actually doing something good? I never though I’d ever do anything that’d make a difference.”

Raven smiles and leans on me with a one armed hug. “I hope so; it’d be nice if we are. I like the idea of good karma.”

I lean on her still with this lump in my throat. “Yeah me too…maybe we can do some charity stuff sometime.”

Brooklyn nods. “We could do some benefit shows, ask for donations.”

We actually get up and got to the kitchen and grab the pizza that’s from Pizza Hut which is actually not bad pizza, I actually like the fried edges you get from pan pizza. But we head upstairs to my Mom’s room and it’s odd but the girls are looking around in here with this same kind of awe that I held for the place when I was a kid.

It kind of goes from there too. We set up our spots where we’re going to sleep but we don’t really use them that much as we look through some of my Mom’s things that are still here and we just kind of look things over and make stuff up as to the most likely things she’s use something for or when she’d wear this or that and it’s I don’t know but morbid? I kind of feel that it was one of the most spiritual things that I’ve ever really done in my life.

The Roxy found some of Mom’s scented candles and we lit them like it was a séance or something and we set out some of the pizza for mom and some set up some of her pictures and we invited her to join in the slumber party that we were sort of having and we even found some of her old mix tapes and we listened to the songs that she seemed to like and we even sang along. It was without instruments of course but it didn’t matter and there were these tears too and the tears just didn’t matter either because some how these were cleaner tears than most, happy tears even and we all fell asleep in the bed instead of the spots that we had laid out all in a tumble but even that was perfect.

I dreamt too even with the little bit that I slept and I dreamt that the candlelight became a haze like the light was fusing into and image and that my mom was looking over the four of us like she was doing that Mom thing and looking over us and she’d reach to touch us one by one, with fingers of light through our hair and over our faces and pressing her fingers to her lips to touch kisses on our faces.

I dreamt of her and that teary smile and her saying. “My Girls.”

I dreamt of her singing to us…

“Come, stop your crying, it'd be all right
Just take my hand, hold it tight
I will protect you from all around you
I will be here, don't you cry

For one so small, you seem so strong
My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm
This bond between us can't be broken
I will be here, don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart always, always”

It’s I guess some people would just think that it’s just a silly dream and stuff getting this emotional over things and everything but to me this was one of those dreams that you have that you will remember even when you wake up.

I get up pretty early with it even being as late as it was when we got to bed and I slip out of bed trying not to wake the girls and I head into the bathroom and I have a pee and get cleaned up and into some fresh clothes…I’m not sure why but I just slip into one of mom’s dresses the first time wearing one really and it’s just one of those things that she wore everyday really.

It does look good on my though. Washed denim and button up front with tee-shirt like sleeves and a nice fitting top that comes down to the skirt that has this weighted something in the hem border between the top and bottom sections that sort of pulls it down and in and has it sort of ride on my hips. Heck it actually makes me look like I have better hips that I do. It has belt loops just above that so I use one of my wide belts and it has a great effect and the skirt is cute too stopping about five inches above the knee.

I head down stairs quietly too and I start breakfast with me making homemade bread first and getting some of that in the oven to get it hot and then I make coffee digging out the old big aluminum one from the kitchen closet and see a few other things that haven’t seen the light of day since mom had dies like her old kitchen aid stand mixer and the cake dish and the…and all the stuff that used to be full here all the time.

“Okay Mom, Okay I can feel you I swear I can…”

I dig stuff out and set up the kitchen for a day of serious cooking, and I mean serious cooking. For me and for the guys and for the girls and for Dad and stocking things up…I don’t know some of what I want to do so I look and take out Mom’s cookbook.

It’s so strange really to hold something that you ignored like this most of your life and to have it in my hands right now and to look through it and see her handwriting in places it hurts…it hurts but in this loving good way because this is hers and it’s real and it might have seen a lot of wear and stuff but her letters are there, her handwriting still there and not faded by time as much as the rest of her.

I swear like on one of those TV shows with a narrator I can hear her voice as I read the instructions.

Breakfast….I get back to cooking breakfast as I read and plan today’s Sunday family dinner. Scrambled eggs and lots of those and two whole packages of bacon but those I cook in the oven on a sheet pan so I can collect all the drippings. I turn the ovens on high we have a double range with the top and the bottom. I make ham and cook off the bread or the first of the bread and by that time comes around I hear people moving and Raven’s the first one downstairs looking just…

I know I’m all over the place but shower fresh her black hair does that drying into a bit of curl that’s pretty hot and she’s in jeans and wearing her old faded batman logo t-shirt that really doesn’t hide her breasts that much at all but does totally cover them so I guess that’s kind of the point.

I still can’t help looking.

It kind of feels nice though when she stops and she’s checking me out in the dress I’m wearing.

“Morning Angel you’re looking nice this morning.”

“Thanks I wanted something kind of comfortable with all the stuff I want to get done today.”

“Want help?”

“I’d love some help actually.”

She sips at her coffee and she joins me getting things ready but eating too. She cuts us the heel off the first loaf of bread and shares it with me bite by bite as we cook and set things out and we have a good time.

Then Mike’s the second one down and he’s in like competitive boxers trunks and that’s it….his long blonde hair is doing the exact same thing as Ravens is and he’s tanned all over but in that not too much but oh just right way and he’s got some kinda sorta way too interesting scars that look like they came from something violent or several somethings that were violent and…and…he has a tattoo…in this Incan sun design over and around his navel….

He smiles that smile that somehow make me feel scrambled in a good way and he gets a jug of orange juice out of the fridge and he pours himself a tall glass of it and starts to drink it in these somehow long and slow gulps that just…

My mouth’s dry and I turn away and Raven’s looking at me with this look. Kind of chewing on her lower lip a bit and then she files it away on me and there’s this part of me going …oh no you don’t what was that about?

Oh c’mon Angel you know what that’s about right.

Really?

I feel extra pent up right now. I like both, I want both I can’t have either of them.

Actually the more I think about it and think about it there is this sort of face palming head desking funny about the whole situation really.

And I’m going to go with that.

I pick up a slice of bacon and eat part of it and feed the other part to Raven. “Smile…”

She eats it and does that fake smile but she glances at Mike and I make crossed eyes at her when she looks back and she actually smiles. “You…”

“Uh-huh…screwed.” I whisper and that makes her laugh. “Okay, okay yeah…”

Mike’s looking at us like I used to look at girls when I got exposed to them talking in femilinguistic code.

Poor Mike, he looks like a dog that’s all lost and confused.

I can see him trying to puzzle out…what are they laughing about? Is it me, did I do something funny? Am I being something funny? Ow…my head.

“Uhm, everything smells great but uhm I’m going to go and just take a look around…”

“Okay!”

He leaves juice in hand and sticking his bare feet into his sneakers and he beats a retreat outside like it was really important.

I can’t help it but burst out laughing and Raven does too. She looks at me and keeps laughing but it’s slowing down to her just smiling. “Angel I didn’t mean to get all y’know it’s just I see you like this all the time and as much as I know the deal it’s just part of me just…see’s what it wants and seeing you and mike with this thing that you two have going it’s…”

“Uh-huh, yeah I’m screwed, it’s okay Raven, really.” I look at her though. “Unless this whole thing’s just getting too weird for you?”

“No…well it’s weird as hell but I’m good with the weird. It’s just honestly Angel you’re like one of the best women that I’ve ever known and it’s just…”

“You’re screwed.”

“Utterly?”

“So…?”

“So?”

“So have you thought about actually looking for a new girlfriend?”

She honestly looks surprised. I look at her in that serious kind of way. She’s looking at me like she’s trying to gauge something. “Are you asking because of Mike?”

“No, I’m asking because of you. We’ve danced around this enough to know that despite how much or a thing we have for each other there’s a large pile of stuff that we can’t get passed.”

“Okay but can I ask you something?”

“Sure, anything.”

“You ever ask yourself why you’re so good at all of this? Why you act like this and everything when most people in hiding or not would be freaking out.”

“All the time, especially with the whole me finding out that mike does things for me that I’d never normally admit to.”

“So…?”

“So?”

“You ever think about what you said to me? That promise that we made? You ever think about transitioning?”