Jem…Chapter 91

Chapter 91

 

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Author's Note: Picture used with permission from *lavonia on deviantart.

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Chapter 91
 

*Kim…………Monday afternoon.

Things were going really good you know I was meeting a guy I might end up liking I was actually like a real professional drummer. School was less and less boring because there was suddenly stuff I needed to learn so I’ve been actually studying a bit harder at stuff especially Math and English.

I was so not expecting the two most stable people that I know to erupt into a fight.

Hearing Rayne and Angel go at it while I was sitting out there on the steps with Brooklyn was hell. It just kept making my heart go from hot to cold and I was so kind of having breaking up the band flashbacks.

Not that Rayne had fought with Summer she was just in the dark as much as I was and one day summer was just gone with a note. “I’m fed up with all of you I’m done!”

It took me awhile to get my head wrapped around the “All of you.”

When you grow up messed up like I did sometimes it was really easy to see a way to blame it on myself or part of it on myself.

Brook did too until we found out Summer stole our stuff. Not just our stuff like for the band but some of our stuff…then we were hurt and mad and Rayne well Rayne was just falling deeper and deeper into this black dog funk.

……………it wasn’t as bad as I thought when we went in and we hashed it out sort of with Rayne and Angel there and everything.

She just packed a bag.

She promised she’d be back tomorrow afternoon.

I tried to not let it hurt, but I can’t do that. Angel stepped out or stepped up at being Angel with me when Jason first came to stay with us and she’s my friend.

She’s my sister every bit as much as Brooklyn is and Rayne.

So when she left and after we three talked I just couldn’t take it anymore and I went into the kitchen to make supper and so I could cry and actually just sort of sink into Angel’s feeling here…This is so much her place now.

Upset and knives so don’t mix too well and apparently neither do me and can lids. I was sporting just enough nicks on my fingers from both it just topped off my mood well and after supper we just sort of drifted our own ways.

Rayne just out despite the fact that we should talk and I’m hoping to hell she’s not going to do something retarded.

Hurt herself no…but go out and party and get hammered…end up doing something that she’d really regret yeah there’s a good chance at that.

Rayne hit the girl spots and she smoked up a whole lot and drank too much too when she was at the bottom after Summer.

And she didn’t do anything really wrong with Summer here she…she called Angel a guy.

A fucking guy and okay I’m not a lesbian but some stuff’s kinda a no-brainer that when you get mad you don’t call you S.O. who’s in transition a dude.

So yeah I headed to bed feeling crappy and the house felt just weird and I cried for awhile then tried to do some homework but my heart just so wasn’t into it and I even turned up my music trying to drown out the what if’s in my head and I mull it over and over and biting my bottom lip I call Max.

It took a few rings before I got an answer.

It’s him and not his mom….whew I’m not ready for that yet.

“Hello?’

“Max?”

“Speaking…Kim?”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah….”

“What’s wrong?”

“What’re you doin?”

“Dishes and laundry and baking cupcakes.”

(Sniffle.) “I like cupcakes.”

“Okay I save you some you’re crying what’s wrong?’

“I d’wanna dump on you.”

“Yes you do that’s why you called me.” Oh…oh I could actually hear the smile he’s got in his voice. I…I like that y’know to just be able to call someone and they’re smiling because it’s me.

“Rayne and Angel had a fight.”

“Over…”

“Girlfriend and girlfriend stuff…uhm…uh…Angel’s sort of new to being a lesbian.”

“Oh…well I can see where there’d be stuff that could cause a fight maybe.”

(Sniffle.) “Angel left.”

“She moved out?”

(Sniffle.) “No…but she packed a bag and she move back to…back to her uncles place.”

“She might need some space.”

“Summer left too!”

“Is Angel Summer?”

“Fuck no!” (Sniffle.)

“Well then she’s just getting some space.”

“I d’wan her to need to have some space.” (Sniffle.)

“Kimberly….” He’s saying it like I’m…well I guess I kind of acting like his daughter.

“I know it’s just it hurts Max, it hurts a lot…I’m still getting over the way Summer destroyed our lives from before I’m not sure we’ll ever be a band again ever if this breaks us up.”

“Kim…” Oh his voice went all soft and calm and…what happens to guys when they become dads? Mine became an asshole I thing, some just don’t bother then there’s Remy
And Max has that Remy voice. “Kim…do you honestly think that Rayne and angel love each other, not being in love but that they love each other.”

(Sniffle sob-smile.) “Yes.”

“Then this is just a bump that they’re supposed to have.”

“You really think so? You like believe in that?”

“Yeah I do, I think we go through stuff so that we eventually have that chance to be really happy.”

“But some people don’t get to have that chance.”

“Kim…it’s why it’s called a chance. Life doesn’t get any better than the steamroller it is unless you take that chance.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

(Happy-sniffle.) “Thanks Max, you’re a good dad.”

“Well thank you but I’m hoping I’ll be a better date than a dad.”

“Huh…are you asking me out?”

“Yes, I’m taking a chance.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah oh.”

“I should get to bed Max.”

“Now there’s an image.”

“Max!” Oh god I’m smiling and laughing too. “Just for that I’m going to find something sexy tonight.”

“Please.” He’s smiling I could just hear it in his voice.

“Night Max….” I sort of do that girl sing song thing happy voice as I turn the call off. I just couldn’t help but to smile and hug the phone to my chest.

It rings again and it’s a text message with a You Tube link from Max?

I hit the link and *Take a chance of Me.* By ABBA starts to play.

I was humming it in my sleep and smiling I think.

Okay at like three I had to pee and downloaded it.

*Tuesday………….Still Kimmie.

I get up and roll out of bed and grab a Red Bull and my undies and stuff and hit play on my I-pod plugged into my stereo and crank the volume up.

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free…
Take a chance on me!

If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down…

If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free…
Take a chance on me!

Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try…

Take a chance on me…
(That's all I ask of you honey)
Take a chance on me…

I’m grinning as I lock the bathroom door just as I hear Brooklyn.

“Aaaargh what the fuck is that! Kimmie!”

I’m giggling and then I kill my Red Bull and I’m singing alone with ABBA at the top of my lungs.

Yes I’m in a much better mood now.

“I’m going to make you pay for this earworm you little chink!”

I laugh and get ready pretty fast once I’m all in my usual morning speed and I grin at Brooklyn as I come out of the bathroom and I’m dancing to it because it’s still going and I put it on repeat.

“Why…? Why are you doing this to me…you know how indecent this is this early?’

“Max.”

“Max what?”

“Max sent this to me last night.”

“He has horrible taste in music.”

“No he doesn’t this is an us thing.”

“You two are an us?”

“Kinda sorta…he was really cool over the phone last night.”

Brooklyn hugs me. “Good, I’m glad he seems to be a nice guy…it’s still not effing excuse.” She grumps into the bathroom and I go and get dressed.

I’m dressed and I’m feeling really good and I switch it over to my upbeat playlist as I’m going through my morning routine except for the drums but I’m singing and dancing along with. *Tubthumping* By Chumbawamba.

And *Pocket Full of Sunshine.* By Natasha Bedingfield. I love that song that’s a jam we should be covering especially for our Wednesday show.

I slip on my Hello Kitty panties in pink and match it up with my pink push up lacy angels collection bra from Victoria’s secret and I slip on a pair of this thigh high sock stockings and my uniform skirt which has about three extra inches hemmed shorter and my blouse I wear untucked and I put on one of the guys neckties loosely and my cross and do my hair in like Usagi’s in Sailor Moon and I use my Hello Kitty elastics with the pink kitty beads to hold it there and I bounce out and grin at Brook as she’s getting out of the shower and towelling off her hair.

(Sniff-Sniff.) “Brook….?”

“Yeah…?”

“Do you smell bacon?”

“Yeah…and pancakes…”

Brooklyn grabs her things and she’s still getting dressed like normally waiting to do her finishing touches off in the car or much more likely in the parking lot before class but she’s dressed by the time I have my books and stuff for school and we head downstairs.

Rayne’s asleep on the couch and my heart sort of skips a little. I almost say angel when I bounce into the kitchen and it’s not her there but her dad.

But they’re fighting…Angel and Rayne and he’s here…

He didn’t take sides; he didn’t walk away or right us off…

I can’t help it I “Squeeeeee!” yes I say the word sometimes. I go over and I hug him.

“You’re here! Why are you here!? It’s soooo cool that You’re here!”

He hugs me really tight…. Yay…

“Of course I’m here, Rayne called and needed to talk and I came over.”

“Most people don’t….”

Brooklyn’s right next in line for her hugs and she squeezes him hard too. “Thanks…dad…”

He stands there and he hugs both of us a few long seconds.

“Okay, sit there’s juice and coffee and have some milk.”

Brooklyn’s like. “No thanks milk’s ick.”

Remy flips some pancakes over the he pour milk into our blender adds two scoops of ice cream and shakes instant coffee over it and just a little hot coffee to melt the crystals and buzzes it up and pours us both a coffee milkshake.

“There milk.”

I drink mine licking at the moustache. “Yay milk.”

Brook’s smiling but blushing and he’s serving up pancakes and bacon and he’s smiling and I’m smiling and he sits and he eats with us and we talk. Just talk about the papers we have and what our plans are with the band but what we want to do in the band too and even out of it our plans for out of school and just talk with him actually being a dad that gives a shit about what we’re doing and how we feel about it.

We hug and stuff and have to go to school and I hug him really, really hard.

“Dad……?”

“Yes Kim?”

“You don’t mind…that I called you that…?’

“Nope, love it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah…look honey my dad raised me like this…any jackass can be a donor and fathers are great but father’s sometimes aren’t there even when they’re there…but you become a dad…you take on that title you’re always a dad…and sometimes dad’s are just dad’s because they can be.”

I’m biting my lip and I’m trying so hard not to lose it and cry and wreck my make up so I just put it all into trying to crush him with hugs and use his face as a kiss blotter until their all over his face.

I head out to the car and I see Brooklyn just hug him with this all of her hug and then she kisses his cheek and smiles. “Thanks Daddy.”

Okay I am crying now…why couldn’t my dad be like that…if he could just see the way that Remy is standing there after everything just doing that happy guy glow thing.

The only thing that might have been sucky was when we were caught being ten minutes late for homeroom by The Head Mr. Simpson.

“Why are you two late this time?”

Brooklyn looks at him and for once doesn’t call him Homer. “We had to fix our make-up after breakfast with our dad.”

“Your dad?” He’s looking at both me and Brook. “I thought neither of your fathers were involved in your lives girls.”

“Our father’s are but our dad is…. Remy Powers…Jem’s uncle.”

He let us pass actually a bit of a smile and two hall passes.

Maybe he’s not so much one of those old butt-stick people after all even if he looks like Mr. Weatherbee from Archie.

I thought the day was pretty awesome and I was even doing pretty good in my classes and was having a coffee outside at ten-break when I hear.

“Who’s the hunk…?”

“Ooooh! Hunk!?” I’m curious and actually looking for Mike who has sort of become a regular sow up here with stuff for Brooklyn but instead I see…

He’s in faded black jeans and a white tee that shows off his muscles and he has muscles and he’s just in sneakers and his hair’s still shower damp and just with those glasses he looks really sexy.

“Max!?” I push past the ooogling girls and skip over to him. “What are you doing here!?”

“Day off so I thought that I’d pop in and bring you…”

He flourishes a long Tupperware box in front of me. “Cupcakes!” I squeal and hug him and oh he smells good…like a fresh showered man but there’s the hint there of Irish spring soap and aftershave…I don’t know it but I like it.

“Yes cupcakes I told you that I’d save you some and this was a great chance to stop over while I get some running around done.”

“Oh?’

“Canadian tire and stuff I need to fix some stuff at home and at mom’s place too.”

“Oh…I suppose days off are the days that you get to do all the other stuff that you don’t get to do while you’re working like you were last night.”

“Yeah I even had a chance to get the wash out on the line last night so it should all be dry by the time I get done.”

“You’re a good one max you know that.”

“Oh…this isn’t going to turn into you not being interested because I one of the good guy’s things if so……”

I tippy toes and give him a kiss, there on the lips and I don’t care if it’s fast sometimes you gotta just make a move.

Cause my brain’s quoting. “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

I break the kiss. “You do know that there are some girls out there that actually like and want a decent nice guy.”

“Really, then I hope I at least get close to fitting the bill?’

“After last night…so much.”

“The talk helped?”

“The talk was awesome you give incredible talk.”

He blushes which looks so cute with his glasses and it makes me happy the shy smile there he’s got.

Wow, when did my life become about more?

“I have to go…Kim, would you mind if I came by the show tonight?”

“I’d love it if you did.”

“I’ll see you there…” God, oh god he bite his lip as he’s looking at me and he’s sort of smiling and I’m all spinning and caught between yeeeeeee and oooow.

The girls come over and are watching him go and my god he’s got a butt I really wouldn’t mind massaging with my heels.

I blush and I open the lid.

Ooooh…they’re these plain white cake with the rainbow chip Betty Crocker cake mix cup cakes with likely store bought icing on then and there’s a mixture of these little candy hello kitties, pink sugar sparkles and those old styles sprinkles.

Exactly what a guy like Max would make for his little girl.

Lindsey one of the girls is all like. “Oh he so knows you…how long have you two been going out?”

I’m still staring at them and smiling. “They’re not like this for me he has a little girl. And we really haven’t dated, dated but it’s been…”

“He has a kid?”

“No he has a daughter.”

“How old is he?” She a little suspicious sounding.

“Seventeen…he and her mom were one of those early pregnancy things, he’s a good guy Lynds.”

“Yeah and I suppose he’s great in the sack?”

“He’s not like that and we haven’t…I’m not sure that I’m even in his league…but wow y’know. He did this all this for her…and he works and does so much other stuff.”

We both look at the cupcakes and sigh.

She looks at me and I pass her one. “You wanna come hear us at lunch?”

“Sure.”

She has a garage band with some of the girls here at school since we started and I think the name is cool since Lindsey started it and she goes by Lynds so they’re Lynds Zeppelin.

Hey I think it’s cool.

*Angel…………..current time Tuesday afternoon.

I like the whole thing the whole bit with Rayne playing it up from one of my favorite old school movies and that whole song and the great scene.

I’m leaning on the porch post and I wait her out for the whole song is done. Yeah I know the speaker is likely getting heavy but it’s all part of the gesture and the apology right? Am I being a girl about it and trying to make her sweat a little.

Okay yeah.

But it is really sweet and to me it’s really romantic that she’s doing this kind of thing because this is a romantic gesture right up my alley.

And yeah I do love it.

When she’s done I do the hand motion so she can set it down and I clap for her and what she did.

Rayne comes up the walk and she bites her lip in a shy smile and she looks at me. “I thought that you might need a ride to rehearsal.”

“I do, just let me get my things.” I take a few steps down the stairs and lean holding onto the banister and give her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be right back.”

I go and get some of my things but not all of them just my purse and stuff. I might be coming back tonight. No I’m not mad any more but I’m still unsure, I’m still sort of…craving space?

Maybe that’s a habit out of being a solitary creature for so long.

I get a sort of look from Rayne at the stuff I have but she doesn’t say anything about it and she walks me to the van. She has everything packed away and she does the gallant thing and she opens the door for me and lets me slip in.

There is something to this whole me really being a girl thing I think I mean with the PAIS and all the other stuff no one’s taught me to walk in heels or to slip into a seat with a skirt of or to wear a long skirt without getting it caught on things.

I see some boxes from the printing place in the back and I can still sort of smell the inky freshness of them?

“Our stuff?”

“Half of it I stopped in today to check and she had some ready so I thought that we should get some for the gig tonight.”

“Good idea and I want to swap out the shirt I’m wearing for the starry one.”

“You’d look good in that.” God she looks cute like that…I mean you know how guys get when they’re trying to be nice after a snafu but it’s a lot cuter on Rayne.

Were heading home and she after a minute turns on the radio and it’s I don’t know fate or it’s just me reading into it or both of us reading into it and Meatloaf is playing on the radio. He was actually talented until he became the sad joke he’s turned into.

*Paradise By the Dashboard Light*…..And it just fits somehow the way things are and I’m for the first time listening to this song and I’m in the girls part and there’s just something…rock song of life about this whole scene.

We get home and yeah it’s still home and we start setting up and I go and get some of the shirts and wash them and toss them in the dryer and by the time I’m up I’ve got them done and I’m wearing the shirt…the dark one with the aura of the butterfly and us in the center as a band and the starscape background. It does look good and it goes really well with mom’s dark skirt I’m wearing.

Rayne’s got some of the posters up and I’m nodding and the girls come in and we’re all hugs. Brooklyn’s is a tight hug and there’s this look there like me actually showing meant a lot to her.

Kimmie’s ecstatic and she’s thanking me over and over again and then its coffee’s and cupcakes.

Okay we’re getting the skinny on Max and what he did and that they talked and that he’s showing up tonight and I’m happy for her. I think when Kim ran away to stay with her ganger cousin on the streets she had some bad experiences with guys and then there’s her dad. I’m not too sure about her dating history here before I came onto the scene though.

I cough. “Hey girls?’

They’re all looking at me. “I want to set that gig up for Aces. This week if we can okay? We told him likely a Friday but I’d like to see if we can get him to do his thing on a Saturday and we can go in early and do a most of the day sort thing.”

Brooklyn nods. “I’m game just as long as I don’t have to dress like Leia.”

And Kimmie’s bouncing. “Oooh…oooh cosplay!”

I grin. “We’ll see.”

Rayne snerks. “Uhm JEM you live as cosplay.”

I smile and shake my head a little. “Yeah well if I do I’ll try not to go as Jem.”

“Who then?”

“I’ll ask for suggestions if we’re going to do it online maybe.”

We get into the rehearsal and things are actually going good and we try out a few other things and covers and there are a few ideas from all of this running through my head about the whole thing with Rayne and I but I just haven’t gotten around to putting them down on paper yet.

Honestly we’re still a little sheepish Rayne and I and its there…some people might not be able to hear it but its there.

We take a break and I get some water and Rayne’s there and she’s looking at me and she’s got a guitar and this Raven look there and she starts playing to me.

*Still Loving You.* By the Skorpions.

Time, it needs time
To win back your love again...
I will be there, I will be there

Love, only love
Can bring back your love someday
I will be there, I will be there

I'll fight, babe, I'll fight
To win back your love again
I will be there, I will be there

Love, only love
Can break down the wall someday
I will be there, I will be there

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again
I'm loving you...

Try, baby try
To trust in my love again
I will be there, I will be there

Love, our love
Just shouldn't be thrown away
I will be there, I will be there

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Your pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through
Is there really no chance
To start once again

If we'd go again
All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
Yes, I've hurt your pride, and I know
What you've been through
You should give me a chance
This can't be the end

I'm still loving you...!
I'm still loving you, I need your love
I'm still loving you....

It’s really good and really amazing and sweet and it’s started something...something intense from her and into me. It's still sort of there…there stuff…there’s still stuff inside that I want to get out…I get my guitar and I think for a minute and tune and I look and her and I start to play and sing back to her…this is the best way I can really think of how to get things out…

I play… *This ain’t a Love Song.* By Bon Jovi.

I should have seen it coming when roses died
Should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
I should have listened when you said good night
You really meant good bye

Baby, aint it funny, how you never ever learn to fall
You’re really on your knees, when you think you're standing tall
But only fools are know-it-alls and I played that fool for you

I cried and I cried
There were nights that died for you baby
I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby

If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I cried ain't that long
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong, this ain't a love song

Baby, I thought you and me would stand the test of time
Like we got away with the perfect crime but
We were just a legend in my mind
I guess that I was blind

Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade
The clowns wore smiles that wouldn't fade
You and I were the renegades, some things never change

It made me so mad cause I wanted it bad for us baby
Now it's so sad that whatever we had, aint worth saving
If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I’ve cried ain't that long
Then I’m wrong, yes I’m wrong, this ain't a love song

If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Is the reason that I’m holding on
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain't a love song

I cried and I cried
There were nights that I died for you baby
I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy

If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I cried aint that long
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain't no love song

If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Is the reason that I’m holding on
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain't a love song

If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Is the reason that I’m holding on
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain't a love song
Yes, I’m wrong, yeah, I’m wrong - this ain't a love song
Yes, I’m wrong, yeah, I’m wrong - this ain't a love song
Yes, I’m wrong, yeah, I’m wrong - this ain't a love song

I play the hurt and the uncertainty in me into the song too and I’m looking at her when I’m done and it’s not that I’m saying the stuff from the song literally but it’s the way that this song expresses the way that I’m feeling and she’s nodding at me, looking a little misty and still nodding to me and she takes a drink of her water and she starts in playing back to me.

*I’ll Be There for You.* By Bon Jovi. Shit and those opening lines and us…

I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye…
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love it's suicide.

You say you've cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore…
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore…
Now I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance, girl!

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you….

I know you know we've had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday…

And Baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine….

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

And I wasn't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you….

Dammit, just dammit that’s one of my favorite songs and it…like I said it just fits and yeah she sings the whole thing for me and she can do Adele’s power she can so do this soft girl kind of thing too that fits this so much.

And I’m getting emotional because it’s just… this. I don’t want stuff like last time, I don’t want promises…I don’t want Rayne to put me up on some pedestal either because of what happened.

I move to the keyboard and I start playing and I look up into her eyes as I start to play.

*Perfect.* By Hedley.

Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise
I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes…

Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie

And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong!

I'm not perfect! But I keep trying
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

Making every kind of silence, it takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I wrong

I know that I'm not perfect! But I keep trying
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

When you're caught in a lie and you've got nothing to hide
When you've got nowhere to run and you've got nothing inside
It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me
You thought that you knew…

I'm not perfect! But I keep trying
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start!
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

I'm not perfect….but I keep trying…
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start…
I'm not alive if I'm lonely… so please don't leave...me.
Was it something I said or just my, just myself
Just myself, myself, just myself….

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying………

Yeah that all the stuff this time the transgendered stuff our fight the fact that I might now be what she wants…even asking in the song…asking Rayne if that’s true. It’s harder on me this time but it is one of the best songs I’ve every heard that I think say stuff about me and my life and everything that I’ve been doing and that I’ve done and will just try…

Rayne’s looking me in the eyes and she come’s back with tears there unshed in here eyes and her heart coming at me in the strings and in her voice as she sings to me *Broken* By Lifehouse.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time…
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is the healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, having forgot my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you….

Oh shit…oh my god that…that song the way that she just…and the words…those words and the way that I can just hear it the truth there in her voice and how Rayne’s talking about the hurt she’s got going on inside and the pain that she’s had and the bit’s that she’s singing about me…finding meaning and how this…how us is healing her…it’s healing me too.

There’s tears slipping down my face and I’m…this is us…this music, just in front of each other playing it out to each other and baring our souls to each other in this way that you just can’t lie about…that you just can’t fake.

Fighting, hurting, talking…this…God Dad…you were so right about how you felt about how it hurts about how’d you give up so much for one more fight with Mom…

If it’s anything like this.

My hands are shaking but I stop them by putting my hands on the strings as I go from the key board to my acoustic and I move and go and sit on the end of the coffee table right in front of her and I play and I let the tears fall and I sing to her.

*Start of something Good.* By Daughtry…..yes the American Idol guy…

You never know when you're gonna meet someone
And your whole wide world in a moment comes undone
You're just walking around then suddenly
Everything that you thought that you knew above love is gone

You find out it's all been wrong
All my scars, don't seem to matter anymore
Coz they lead me here to you

I know it's gonna take some time
But I've got to admit
That the thought has crossed my mind
This might end up like it should
I'm gonna say what I need to say
And hope to god that it don't scare you away
Don't want to be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe that
This could be the start of something good

Everyone knows life has it's ups and downs
One day you're on top of world
And one day you're the clown

Well I've been both enough to know
That you don't wanna get in the way when it's working out
The way that it is right now
You see my heart; I wear it on my sleeve
Coz I just can't hide it anymore
I know it's gonna take some time
But I've got to admit
That the thought has crossed my mind
This might end up like it should
I'm gonna say what I need to say
And hope to god that it don't scare you away
Don't want to be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe that
This could be the start

Coz I don't know where it's goin'
There's a part of me that loves not knowin'
Just don't let it end before we begin
You never know when you're gonna meet someone
Don't wanna be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe that this could be the start

Coz I don't know where it's goin'
There's a part of me that loves not knowin'
Just don't let it end before we begin
You never know when you're gonna meet someone
And your whole wide world in a moment comes undone

I know it's gonna take some time
But I've got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind
This might end up like it should
I'm gonna say what I need to say
And hope to god that it don't scare you away
Don't want to be misunderstood
But I'm starting to believe that
This could be the start of something good….

I trail off and the whole thing is just that good and I…I really mean every word of it y’know. I look at her and Rayne’s looking at me and she leans over and hooks a finger into the neck of my tee-shirt and we’re kissing and it’s soft and slow at first and then it’s deeper and she’s holding her face in my hands and she’s using her thumbs to wipe away my tears and I’m shaking and she passes the guitar to Brooklyn and she flips to a page of one of her note pads and gives it to Brooklyn who nods and wipes at her own eyes and says in that whispery emotional way.

“Yeah we can do this.”

I’m…? What? What are they doing?

Rayne gives me this look and she stands up. “One more…One more Angel…dance with me?”

(Sniffle-happy-trembly-hearted…) “Okay…”

It’s Brooklyn and Kim playing for us and they’re both serious and they’re been wiping tears away and I…my heart does this whole OW but a good ow as I know the song and Rayne takes me in her arms in a slow dance but she’s looking at me and then she just holds me close to her as she sings to me this soft sweet serenade and likely the utmost romantic thing I’ve ever even heard of in my life and…and it’s us…love and music…and just…

It's hard for me to say the things
I want to say sometimes
There's no one here but you and me
And that broken old street light..

Lock the doors…

We'll leave the world outside...

All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I….

(This, this is where she moves just back enough to touch my face with her hand and sings so sweetly and softly to me.)

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe

Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me…

I never knew I had a dream
Until that dream was you
When I look into your eyes
The sky's a different blue

Cross my heart
I wear no disguise
If I tried, you'd make believe
That you believed my lies

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see
For parting my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me….

You pick me up when I fall down
You ring the bell before they count me out
If I was drowning you would part the sea
And risk your own life to rescue me

Lock the doors...

We'll leave the world outside...

All I've got to give to you
Are these five words when I

Thank you for loving me
For being my eyes
When I couldn't see…

You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe
Thank you for loving me
When I couldn't fly
Oh, you gave me wings
You parted my lips
When I couldn't breathe…

Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for loving me…

Oh, for loving me...

Hurt? Yes in the best way I feel it so much like in everything that I am as a singer and a songwriter and a girl…it’s like there’s been things that have happen that I’ve left here that were hurting and we just…we played it out and we cried…and we kissed and now this…I don’t care I don’t I know that this is going to be hard and that we’re going to go through stuff and there’s going to be tears and…

I don’t care it’s worth fighting for…this, this is my life and My Life is worth fighting for.