Jem…Chapter 31

Chapter 31

I’m curled up with my back to the corner of the couch watching raven play with tears in my eyes as she’s playing something she wrote for me.

Again…

There’s parts where I’m staring right into her eyes and I’m not sobbing but the tears are flowing as hard as they ever have in my life.

I can’t stop myself if I tried mouthing. “I Love You.” to her as she plays.

Raven’s crying too but she keeps playing…we do that, cry, hurt…play…sometimes playing that music is the only thing you can do.

She stops and looks at me.

“Angel…Angel…I can’t do this anymore, I’m so sick of being afraid of US of what we might be and how we might self destruct…I’m tired of hurting over US without there being an US.”

“Me too…I love you Rayne, I’ve been falling in love with you since we’ve met…I…”

I don’t get the rest of it out as she comes over to me on her knees and stands on them and kisses me.

I mean kisses me.

And her hands come up as she reaches to hold my face in her hands and she gives me this long, really long kiss that sends all these little shivers all over me and her thumbs are sliding up over my cheeks and she’s wiping my tears away and we only stop to be forehead to forehead and staring into each others eyes and there’s still tears, but after each staring falling madly break bit by bit there’s sniffly smiles.

Her fingers through my hair.

Then more kissing.

Then she slides her tongue in my mouth and French kisses me and I can’t help but to melt…can’t help but get hard….her hand touches it and there’s a tremor in her hand…I shake too and I can’t help but get swallowed by this bubble of scared…and maybe shame that I can’t be what she needs.

“No…”

I try to look at her through eyes filled with tears.

“No Angel…I never want you to feel that way…the way Summer made me feel, left me feeling.”

“But…”

“Fuck the buts…buts and what if’s…leave us alone…rob us of….I’m not letting things take you away.”

She kisses me again deeply.

I kiss back and I reach inside and carefully take those wrapped tight bandages around my heart…I’m not that old…I know I’m still a teenager.

But goddamn it I’ve been alone for so long.

Gender, sex, roles all fall away…I mean…we all are souls right…we just have bodies right…yes I stole that off Facebook it still is true right?

I reach out and touch her, cup a breast…I’m the one that moans. “Oh…Rayne…Oh..”

She purrs around a kiss, her hand rubbing and suddenly I’m gasping, trying to pant, get air, get a grip all in seconds as I cum in my panties. Whining out “ Rayne…Rayne, Rayne oh…oh…I’m seeing stars, biting my lower lip and then she’s kissing me in these small kisses ad she’s watching me.

I’ve had a few “Hand-made-dates.” but no one has ever touched me before, even if it’s through my clothes…I’ve never touched anyone else like that and my blood, my teenaged hormones are on full boil.

She’s looking like she’s trying to find a balance in her head. She gets up and I’m a bit scared, nervous, really self conscious from well, I’m dressed like this, lying sort of on the couch with wet sticky panties and she’s standing.

Huge scary self conscious moment.

Raven closes the door and locks it. She does that beautiful sexual glide over to me taking off her glasses and runs her fingers through her hair and I bit my lip and slide off the couch to my knees and surprise her by putting my face into the front of her jeans. “Please…please Rayne I really want to….”

I look up at her and unbutton her jeans and slowly start to unzip her. (Deep inhaling gasp.) “Angel….”

I peel her jeans open like they’re a V themselves and rest my forehead on her pubic bone and nuzzle, inhale slowly. I’ve never really smelled this like this. Yeah you live with girls it’s part of they’re scent but not like this…sweet, yet earthy, musky in the best possible way and I can’t help but to just kiss her mound through her panties, smell some more getting lost in her as I slide my hands up and down her jeans my fingers sliding over her denim covered thighs and up her inner thighs and down then back up to cup and hold her butt.

I have no idea what the heck I’m doing, only that her fingers are in my hair and she’s pulling me closer. There’s a new freshness to that scent and a dampness in the black satin and lace panties she’s wearing.

I guide her to the couch, get her setting down as I slowly teasingly undress her…reverse stripping?

“Angel….(Breathily.)”

I get her jeans around her knees when I kiss her mound again, kiss a bit lower, a bit lower…then kiss the inside of her thighs…drag my lips gently back and forth over that skin there.

I get to her panties again and try to harden my tongue and just slip it under the edge of the narrowest part…just a little…tease…Oh.

“God Rayne I love the taste of your skin. I love the way that you smell, the way you feel.”

(Pant.) “You do?”

I put my face into her crotch and my mouth over her sex and smile into her panties and nod…a lot sort of rubbing her with the nod.

“Yes…You’re beautiful…”

“I…you think so?”

“Yes…” I sit back on my calves to look at her. “There isn’t any life that I ever could have lived that I wouldn’t fall in love with you.”

“Angel…” (Smiley sniffle.)

I bite my lower lip and sink down to her and slowly start to peel off her panties. I kiss my way down and take that first touch my lips on her sex and she bucks her hips to meet me. Slips her hands into my hair again and cries out “Angel!”

You really do know when someone who’s really in love with you calls out your name. it’s just there. It’s like love alters the physics of sonics.

And I ask her openly…wanting. “Tell me, teach me, show me how.”

And the rest is behind our closed doors.

………………………………...................I wake up smiling, exhausted in this way I’ve never known and feel so fulfilled? It’s like the first time I’ve ever woken up and had one of those everything is right with the world moments. Raven’s snuggled against me or it’s the other way around and we’re naked together with her arm around my waist as she’s smiling at me pressed up against the back of the couch.

She leans over and kisses me and we kiss for awhile before she move to suck on my nipples. I gasp…

Yeah I’m not a girl but I like it all the same and she plays with them a bit with her mouth, with her tongue stud. Then she looks up to me and she’s just touching me, exploring me with her touch and fingertips not even in erotic zones but just to touch me.

“Don’t stop Rayne, please…I never though anyone would do this…would want to…”

GG’s, TG’s don’t have the market cornered on feeling not worthy. Every time I was hated on I was left asking. Why? What’s wrong with me? What do they see that I don’t?

I know that it’s Adam and bullying in my head but after year, after year it gets under your skin, they do get in your head even if I’d never let them see it.

She looks at me and I see just…she gets it, she gets me.

Raven keeps touching me, kissing me in places and she starts to recite stuff to me.

“All I want is to love you, for the rest of my life.”
“I want you to be the one; I'll wake up every morning with you by my side.”
“Knowing at no matter what happens, I'll be able to come to your loving arms.”
“All I want is to share everything with you.”

“To be able to talk about our ideas, our dreams and little every day things.”
“Things that make us laugh, and the not so little things that we can't help worrying about.”
“All I want is to give you is my love.”

“As a place you, can always come to for acceptance.”
“The simple comfort that silence brings, when things left unspoken, can still be understood.”
“All I want is to grow old with you, to watch our life unfold.”
“All I want is to love you forever.”

I look at her, smile, bite my lip, smile. “That was beautiful…”

“It’s not mine, it a poem from one of my books.”

“Oh..”

“I meant it though.”

I blush and can’t help not to. She looks at me and we just lay there holding each other and she’s right. Or that poem’s right sometimes you just need love and don’t need the words.

I’m not sure how long we were there but we heard the girls coming down the hall and they try the door and we shout out together. “It’s locked!, We’re not decent!”

“What!?” Comes from both Kimmie and Brooklyn.

“Give us a minute!” Raven calls and she looks at me and we start giggling and it’s a hasty grab for clothes. I feel a lot, little odd slipping into my panties after…and Raven gets the door her bra on and her jeans mostly done up.

The girls come in sniffing the air. Kimmie’s all “Ohmygoddidyoutwo!!?”

I slip past her. “Uhm…I’ve gotta go get cleaned up.”

Raven stops me in the doorway kissing me. “I like you in my shirt…”

I didn’t realize I was wearing it even I just grabbed.

“Thanks…” I blush and she leans me into the doorway and kisses me. I kiss her back and reach down and slowly zip up her jeans and button them before stepping away. “I’ll be back…just…give me some time?”

“Sure.” She nods and slips inside and I head off down the hall but I still can hear them turning red even if I’m alone.

Kimmie… “You and Ange?”

“Yeah…”

Brooklyn… “Now don’t get me wrong but aren’t you the one that should be walking funny?”

Oh god! I turn heavily red.

“Well, we found away to…”

“You had your…?”

“No…But I had condoms and fingers…”

I squeak out even if I’m down the hall. “Raven!”

I hear the three of the bursting out in laughter and giggles as I get to Mom’s room and head to the bathroom. I slip past the guys and Dad’s asleep on the couch as usual but Mitch and Mike look at me and I blush at the looks and make it in there quickly.

God it’s pretty freaky doing the walk of shame in my own house as a girl. I don’t mean shame, shame but you know what I mean.

I really wish mom was hear right now.

My first really, real sexual experience and it was a lesbian one.

I know that I’m male and in a huge section of Les-town it wouldn’t be considered that but I sink into the tub feeling so….I’m remembering…Her sinking her fingers inside touching this place that made me gasp and squirm…her hair tumbling down over me as she kissed me and sucked on my nipples and kissed me…and stroked me until I exploded.

Just I do in the tub….well into the washcloth…

Is it normal to feel like this? Happy? Heady? Unsteady and liking it?

I honestly don’t care that I never did “that” with her like every other guy. I loved what we did do, touching her, tasting her making her make those sounds and hearing her crying out my name.

Angel.

And there wasn’t any angst this time. It’s just me, and I might be changing and I might be different but Jason was everything that makes Angel up so really it’s just a name, I’m still being me. I’m just being me under a different set of rules.

Angel.

I’m Angel.

I sink under the water in the tub with a smile and a end up laughing under the water making bubbles because I’m kinda free.

And holy shit I’m not a virgin anymore!

I get out of the tub and stand in the water and apply the Veet well…everywhere and rinse off, then use some of lotion on myself as I dry and style my hair then get into some clean under things and clothes. Nothing major just bra, panties my inserts and a touch of perfume then a thin white t-shirt under a pink halter top and a pair of fade comfy jeans.

I know it’s Sunday night and late but It’s actually only like eight by the time I get back to the back porch. I’m wearing Raven’s shirt like an open overshirt and slip I not the porch and smile at Raven who must have used mine or Dad’s since her hair’s wet and…she’s wearing some of My clothes…Jason’s stuff that I left here.

She looks good in my oversized Hamilton Tiger Cats jersey, she looks great with her hair and everything else in the black and gold. I’m smiling but part of me is stunned and happy dancing because…

She’s wearing my shirt.

I know, I know I’m wearing hers but…

She’s wearing my shirt…. That’s dreamland guy fantasy stuff y’know.

I slip over and sit beside her.

Smile.

She smiles.

………………sigh.

I look at the other two and they’re grinning and I pick up the guitar. And look at the both of them. “Fuck you both.”

They start laughing and I never said anything really and I can’t keep myself from getting red in the face. It’s only made worse by Kimmie Hugging me and saying. “Congratulations you just earned your big girl panties.”

I think despite how it happened…I’m the last person here to lose her virginity.

“Uhm….thanks? Can we play something or do something.”

They take mercy on me and we get our stuff going online. With us talking to fans and answering posts. Raven’s showing the sheet work and lyrics and the changes for the two new songs she’s written and we adjust the lights and do a live feed concert playing our songs.

Invisible.
Washed Away.
Please don’t go away.
Billie Holiday.
Oncology.
Forever and Always.

Six we have now six songs of our own already that’s halfway to an original album. And that’s just amazing. Plus this mini concert is us having a band practice with the added pressure of playing for our sites as videos we’re sort of forcing ourselves to up our game.

Once we’re done though we head to the kitchen where I make everyone floats. I use chocolate ice cream and slowly pour some Dr. Pepper over the scoops of ice cream as we take a break.

Mike comes in and looks at me, then at Angel. He shakes his head and smiles at us. “I guess it’s about time.”

Raven takes my free hand and I smile and suck on my straw. She nods. “It’s just there, it’s not going away and the more we were fighting it the more it hurt…”

I say. “We’re not going to do that. Why the heck should we just want and be hurt and stuff when we never even tried.”

“Well, from what I seen you definitely tried.”

We both blush. I look at him. “Yeah you too?”

“I like parts of this town, as much as I detest the Marshals there are parts of this town that are amazing.” He’s looking at Brooklyn as he’s saying that and she ducks her head and tries to hide behind her hair.

Kimmie’s grinning. “Now I just gotta find myself an S.O. that’ll love me for me and be all drolly happy yayness over my drumming.”

Raven adds in. “And has stock in Redbull.”

“Oooh that’d be awesome!” Kimmie gushes and does a little happy hyper dance. It’s Kim and she just does that. And she makes me smile whenever she does.

I look at him. “Mike how’d you feel like doing some camera work?”

“Sure, but it’s pretty late right?”

“Yeah well we keep weird hours you in?”

“Sure.”

We head out and get the stuff moved outside to the garage and we start shooting videos with the van and do a ten minute bit about the van and where we got the custom work done as a shout out to Dad and then we set up to do some of our covers in the garage with the van as a prop.

We pile out of it dressed as punk rocker girly as we can get ourselves without major costumes and just our clothes as we do our own cover of *We’re Not Going to take It* by Twisted Sister.

There’s some clothing changes and we do *Boots of Chinese Plastic.* by Chrissy Hynde then we rock out *AC/DC.* by Joan Jet then slow it to a different pace for *Bleed like Me* by Garbage.

We set up for our last cover and we set it up so Brooklyn’s singing and she’s just sitting in the side door of the van as we play back up and Mike tapes it all in black and white. Brook can sing, they all can sing but usually it’s just along with me and Raven. I want all the girls to sing something, to do things that give them their own niche in the band…show their talents off. It’s only right, right.

I get really into it but actually not as much as Mike as She starts to sing her own version of. *Don’t let me be misunderstood.* As done by the Animals.

Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive can always be an angel
When things go wrong I feel real bad.

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Baby, sometimes I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And sometimes it seems that, all I have to do is worry
And then you're bound to see my other side

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

If I seem edgy, I want you to know,
That I never mean to take it out on you
Life has its problems, and I get my share,
And that's one thing I never mean to do

Cause I love you,
Oh,

Oh, oh, oh, baby - don't you know I'm human
I have thoughts like any other one
Sometimes I find myself, Lord, regretting
Some foolish thing, some little simple thing I've done

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Yes, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
Yes, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

Yes, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

I love it, the whole thing is just more than even I had planned as Raven actually is such a good guitarist she plays out that Spanish guitar intro at the first of the song and I just play rhythm along with the main parts of the song just actually enjoying the other girls just being awesome.

They are too. What a great feeling to just be a part of this whole thing, of watching Brooklyn cutting loose and singing with a lot of power and emotion with a very good voice. Actually she sounds a lot like Chantal Kreviazuk a good voice for that song.

It’s midnight or a little after by the time we’re done and the songs are uploaded and we drift back into the house and Dad’s up and he’s got hot chocolates made for all of us and slices of pie served out for us and he smiles at us. “Hey girls, I just put on a movie for us.”

“What one Dad?” I ask, it feels good to be able say that.

“Armageddon.” he smiles and he knows that’s actually one of my favorites. I loved the sound track for that. I still love the looks in the eyes of the girls. All three of them have likely never had their fathers do Anything like this for them and while raven’s a bit friendly shy with Dad hugging him and thanking him Brook gives him a big hug and there’s this kind of sigh too like another chunk of psyche-shrapnel got pulled out. Kimmie hugs him and plants her face in his chest and hangs on for a few minutes.

I’m not sure what’s worse the abuse Brook went through or the abuse Kim’s been through.

We all gather in the living room and eat then cuddle under blankets with each other. Brook and I both are in sobbing tears when Liv’s character is talking to her Daddy and I’m right there…feeling what she would have…because…if it was real. That’d be my Daddy. Raven feels so good pressed up against me and slipping her arm around me and letting me rest my head on her shoulder.

Fuck you Summer, Fuck You Adam…all you did was make us all stronger…make up all family.

Family is everything.

(Sniffle-Smile.)