Jem…Chapter 30 part 3

*To the readers. There’s a song here that I’m dedicating to everyone here that’s ever lost someone from Cancer. To those that have lived through it or might yet have to face that down themselves. But also this song was written for My Jonelle and especially for her sister. This was too long to put in the tags so…

Love You Jo.

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I wasn’t expecting to actually be as happy at telling Mike the truth as I was feeling. I know that I still like him and I think that he likes me too I mean he’s still sort of looking at me and he’s still checking me out and everything but at the same time there’s this sort of vibe going on with him and with Brooklyn that I’m sort of picking up.

Or not with this kinda of being one of those rare days where she’s had some positive male attention really.

I mean that I get it sort of. I know that since starting out as Angel I’ve been really trying to see my life and how I react to people from this side of the bra. So I sort of get that women have this thing about their fathers for the most part and that the way it should be is that no what every little girl should have the love and care and support of her daddy.

Raven’s lost hers through her family being complete assholes and Brooklyn’s father sounds like a sadistic douche bag that I want to test out my next pair of spiked heels on.

I’ve only got one, it’s only fair that I should share that experience with guys like him and Adam.

Anyways y’know what I mean. Brooklyn and even Kimmie had this really great experience today with the guys treating them right for a change. For Brook it was attention without pain or emotional pain as a side order and Kimmie it was just plainly getting some attention. I still don’t know all of the stories but I think as busy as he sounded and as uptight Kim got treated like part of the furniture when she was home.

But it’s just like I said from this side of the bar being allowed to just drop the guy social stuff between men not that I’m hating on that there’s some seriously needed stuff in that guys have to be tough thing.

Okay…I can almost hear people arguing about this but a real guy is supposed to be a stand up guy that is the supporting beam in the family, the go to guy that makes things right or he’ll walk through that fire with you. He’ll teach you how to man up to do things you don’t want to do or are hard to do because you have to do them…be strong, be loving, be honorable.

It doesn’t work because while there’s lots of sperm donors out there there’s not enough real fathers or Dad’s out there. So there’s no one to teach guys what really matters anymore or just too damn few.

Honestly, it’s why I’ve never bowed down to Adam. I’ve always wanted to be one of those guys.

Now I’m being one of those girls? Hell if I have to be a girl right now then yeah I want to be one of those girls.

But like what I was saying.

As much as I like and respect that one of those guys thing. I’m grabbing onto that girls love they’re daddy perk with all my strength and both hands because he’s the only parent I’ve got left.

Guys, show love differently but I’m not letting this chance slide because I was caught in a macho bullshit head game.

Oh yeah BTW, real men aren’t “Macho” they don’t have to be. If a guy is a real man like one of “Those guys” he doesn’t have to do or act like anything. People will just respect him for who he is and guys around him will want to be like him just so they’ll be better men.

There’s actually three of them here right now.

Dad of course passing things and talking and thanking all of us that cooked and helped with little hugs and kisses on the cheeks and honest looks of enjoying all of it. Dad almost was doing that…what’s the equivalent of when women glow when they’re happy and content?

Beaming…he’s actually beaming as he’s carving the turkey and passing who wants what to who.

But we’re all like that and we’re laughing and talking about just stuff all over again and I eat way too much and so does everyone I think. There’s just enough turkey left for a good mess of sandwiches and the gravy…Mike and Mitch did that thing where you’re just pouring gravy on a plate it’s that good and then using homemade bread to mop it up with and of course Kimmie had to try that at least once and Brooklyn actually eats like she’s totally at home with everyone that was way cool.

Raven though really surprised me with her eating as much as she did. It’s funny and sort of reminds me of my Mom when she laid claim to both of the turkey wings and she had some turkey but she stole that piece of turkey skin where the cavity is between the breast up where the neck should come out…yeah you know that spot that gets all crispy and crunchy.

She had some of everything and smiled these smiles that where pure pleasure smiles. I love watching her eat…I love the way that she eats. It’s for me honestly when a woman eats to really enjoy something she gets this just kind of thing about them when she does that.

Mike even looked at her. “You’re actually eating and not picking at it?”

“It’s too good not to really enjoy it and besides Sunday dinners are different.”

“Different how?”

“It’s Sunday; God’ll protect you from the calories.”

That got us laughing and right up to about time for deserts so I start to clear off the table and The girls help me and pretty much as soon as I’m in the kitchen I blurt out. “I came out, I told Mike.”

Raven and Kim are all. “Oh crap, oh shit, how’d he take it?”

I turn to look at Brooklyn who was right there and she looks at me and her eye go huge and she slaps he hands over her face and blurts out. “I Kissed Mike!”

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Then Kimmie breaks the silence with. “Bree? How could you do that to Susan?”

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I have no idea why but we just sat there doing that blinking and looking at each other before exploding into laughter. I mean I have a thing for Mike and then there’s all this drama ‘cause I’m not a girl but I’m a girl that he likes and then I tell him and then the pressures off and I sort of still like him but now Brooklyn says that she kissed him. And all the drama that might be there now…

It’s either we laugh or we start crying and as soon as the laughs die off a bit I’m hugging her.

“Okay…I’ll get the coffee on and you tell me what happened.”

Raven and Kim are. “No….you tell all of us what happened.”

Mike comes in with a few things that were left from the dining room table and him saying. “Uhm girls I don’t mean to be a pest but we were kind of wondering if you could put on maybe a pot of coffee with desert?”

We all turn and look at him.

“So you Kissed Brooklyn huh?” Raven gives him that dark sort of punker Goth chick thing. “You make a pass at Angel then you’re locking lips with her best friend?”

“Uhm…okay I’m not going to bother you ….girls so I’ll just…..”

Mike beats a hasty retreat. Karate/Kung-fu fighter that he is escaping for women intent on whatever he’s dreamed up we’d do to him in his head.

God that’s kind of fun.

The Brooklyn’s looking at me and at Raven. “Well I actually kissed him you guys.”

I nod and we start doing that post meal clean up and talking thing and even still nibbling thing as Brooklyn goes over the stuff that they talked about. Yeah…all of it. And I’m quiet and Raven’s quiet and we’re sort of thinking and stewing in our own mental juices a bit when I realize that she’s done talking and looking sort of freaked and scared.

And Raven’s looking at me.

I give Brooklyn a big hug. “Mike’s a descent guy and I think that’s why I like him. There’s a lot of me that’s really into that. As a guy that’s the type of person that I wanted to be…but since being Angel I’m seeing him in a very different way…”

Raven’s. “But…”

“No, no Buts, I’m serious since I’ve started being Jem and Angel I’ve really put my self in the place of who the heck I’d be if I wasn’t raised a guy. And if I couldn’t actually be the guy that I’ve always wanted to be like this then there was no way that I couldn’t try and be that girl.”

“That Girl?” Raven’s looking at me.

I look back and meet her eyes and just…I don’t know just open up inside to her, to all three of them.

“Yeah, That Girl…The girl that’s just herself as much as she wants to be. That girl that loves her friends and her family, who wants to love as much as she wants to be loved and just doesn’t hold back what’s inside of her.”

“Oh…” I’m not sure what’s going on in her head right now but she’s just staring at me and it seems like a long time. “Uhm I’ll take the guys their coffees…” she get the coffee pot and the sugar and creamer and she quickly heads off like I scared her.

I might have scared her.

I think I’ve scared myself.

I look at the other two. “Brooklyn if you like Mike then it’s cool with me. I like Mike but for the same and different reasons right?”

She nods.

“Then it’s okay, besides I’m honestly not sure if I could handle actually being with a guy right now. I mean I sort or think or have sort of thought about that stuff but not now, not with Mike as much as I’m attracted to him.”

“But…but…”

“You have a nice butt, I’m sure that he’s noticed.”

“Angel!” she turns beet red and Kimmie and I chuckle at her getting all flustered then we start doing the dishes together.

…………………………………………………It takes awhile before we’re done and Mike gives me this look when Brooklyn goes over to him and asks if they could take a walk. I give him a nod and a shooing motion and they leave and Kimmie goes over and sits on the couch with Mitch and leans on him using him as a pillow as we start looking through the TV for something to veg out to as we let the turkey do it’s work.

I actually curl up on the other side of it and lean on Dad while doing this and snuggle my feet with Kim’s through the first show of Storage Wars. I hear Raven out back in the porch playing and I get up and I go and slip down the hall quietly and watch and listen.

**Raven……………..

Honestly I’ve never met anyone that makes me feel things like Angel does. I haven’t and it hurts so damned much really because she’s not a real girl.

But aren’t people just people? Aren’t we supposed to look past all that stuff on the surface?

I can’t get her out of my head and even that night with Jessy was bullshit because as great as it was and as hot and steamy as she gets and as much as I really, really wanted her then.

It didn’t stop me from calling out “Angel!” when we were together. So yeah…I kind of faked the results of that night of me and her together because as free spirited as Jess is…she dumped me out of her bed and I left.

And then came Mike.

I’ve never felt sort of hurt like that and jealous too. I get why Angel would be attracted to him with what she said in the kitchen. And I think that I get what she’s saying about who she wants to be. And there’s something there, there’s still something there despite that whole her really being a guy thing scaring the crap out of me.

Most of the guys in my life were guys at school or home and they were the guys that were just guys. Run of the mill into sports and cars worked on the farm or out on the rigs and other stuff…it’s not like they’re bad people, I like them fine as friends but the though of sex…with a guy really…it’s scary…and then…realizing that I wasn’t just freaked by being with guys but the thought of being with another girl just…

But god…even knowing Angel wasn’t…

She pulls you in that much.

Hell she is “That girl”

So I got scared and I chickened out of that talk and headed here to write and play and think.

So part of what I’m thinking was…what if she was a GG and she was straight and I still liked her that much.

Then….

Well I’m me and there’s a reason why I go by Raven and that’s because sometimes I think too much. I think too much in the wrong directions. I do that almost like there’s this fucking part of me so damned warped it just doesn’t want me to get too happy. I get into these black... life sucking, heart sucking moods where it just hurts sometimes.

I really, really hope nobody actually ever understands that.

I hate that about me and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone…even Summer.

But those thoughts led me to this really dark spot in that conversation of what if’s I was having with myself and that was.

Just what would I do if I lost her?

Angel…Jason…There’s no cure for cancer, it goes away sort of it goes into remission but they won’t even call it that until you’ve been cancer free for a few years or something.

You ever have that thought so bad it’s like you’ve stabbed yourself.

I literally curled up looking out the porch windows holding onto my coffee mug with both hands like it was my life raft.

Then I started writing and then playing as I had to get the hurt out and the fear out of me and maybe get to where maybe something else could come in?

The first song I wrote and started playing to exercise this hurt is…

*Oncology*

Let me sit close to you to say goodbye…
Don’t mind the tears here in my eyes…
Because they’re not sad tears…
Because I love you…
I’ll love you forever…

(Chorus)
Let’s savor the times we had together!
Savor those words we pledged forever!
We both still have love, we still have love!
It can’t take that! It can’t touch that!

Let me sing to you a lullaby.
It’s one last song, it’s one last try…
To see that light, to see that smile…
Baby I need this.
I hate all this suffering….

(Chorus)

Oh close your eyes and rest your head.
On the cool steel of that hospital bed…
You look too tired yet so serene…
You can let go…
Let our tears flow…

Let’s talk together one on one…
About all the things we’ve seen and done…
And all those good things…those great big little things.
Before it became…
Before our life with cancer…

(Chorus)

(Chorus)

Hey; We’re not over, we’re not done…
There’s one more shot, there’s one more try…
Because I’ll see you, forever after…forever after…
In that sunshine…
I’ll be there…
Just wait for me…

**Angel………………………….

Okay…first she sounds like Feist but dark…almost like a mix of her and Amy Lee from Evanescence.

My heart is in my throat right now and I’m leaning hard on the wall in the dark tears streaming down my face because of this…this…it hurts to breathe…I can’t really swallow just there’s just so much feeling there that.

It was like a kiss to your soul…you ever really think just how…It was a kiss to my soul…

Right on that spot inside that wakes me up crying at night sometimes…right in that place in the back of my head that says it just might come back. That scared little kid crying…I don’t want to die….No one’s touched that before…not like that…never like that.

She wipes some tears away from the corners of her eyes and runs her fingers through her hair and she takes another notepad and sets it in front of her. And she starts to play again. This ones faster, more of a girl version of a Brian Adams tune. She sort of sounds deeper smokier but more rocker chick with this one.

“Forever and Always…” She says quietly to the crowd that’s not there.

I want to be heard.
But I scream without sound.
I keep myself hidden.
But I want to be found.

I want to cry on a shoulder.
I want to be held tight.
Oh I want my always!
I want my forever!

(Chorus)

Oh! Will it be you!?
My Eternity!
Are you the one that can hear me!?
Are you the one that can see me!?
Oh do you love me!?
Can you love me!?

I want to know I’m not worthless.
I wanna know how to smile.
I want to feel normal!
I wanna feel something!

(Chorus.)

(1rst verse again.)

(Chorus.)

(2nd verse again.)

(Chorus.)

Oh my Forever and always!
My Eternity….

It’s so strange, I’m nodding my head to this song while I’m still wiping tears from my eyes from that first one and this one’s good. It’s a good club or album rock styled tune and we need a few more of those.

But…

But everything.

I walk in quietly and over Raven who has that look…this look…just played something so emotional…then rocked out…and there’s that flush mixed with the red rimmed eyes and her perfectly sorta messy midnight hair and the glasses.

And

But Everything.

I lean down and reach down to where she’s sitting and I tilt her chin up and I kiss her. I just kiss her softly, slowly over and over lipstick on lip gloss…my pink hair falling down like…it doesn’t matter…

She’s kissing me back.

Time slows and it feels so good, better than good…hurts so good…

We break the kiss and there’s tears there from both of us and I sit down in the corner of the couch/sofa and pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them while I rest my head on my knees.

“Raven?” (Sniffle.)

(Sniffle.) “Yes?”

“Play that first one again?” (Sniffle.)

(Sniffle.) “Okay…it’s called Oncology”

I nod. (Sniffle.)

“I wrote it because I’m terrified of losing you.”

She starts to play and I just watch her playing, and singing to me as the tears are flowing so hard right now…