Jem...Chapter 208

*Before…

Fucking rednecks.
Sorry, sorry it’s not poor people it’s this sort of fucker that so often goes with that bullshit. Y’know the anti-gay and anti-trans and pro-christian and pro-big business and you know that they’re just sucking ass to the rich cunts that don’t give a flying fuck about them...I’m sorry because not all poor people or country people are rednecks and that even might not be a bad thing.
Conservative...and I’m thinking like Regina west and Lethbridge Canadian Bible belt fucking conservatives. I’m thinking all those shitheads in office and honestly like Adam, Like his family and like my family.
A level of fuck you I have mine unless I can use you that doesn’t even save kids from getting targeted.
Hannah’s dad was like that with how they’d reflect on his bigoted ass and his fucking masculinity.
Me...my mom...she sold me out to a fucking pedophile she was engaged to so it’d seal the deal for him marrying her in order to get his hands on me.
Yeah…
Yeah…
That’s who I saw the other day.
That’s who set me off that bad.
That’s why I’m so fucking broken.
Dammit, dammit, dammit I didn’t want to think about this and now it’s all bubbling up and...she’s in town, she’s in town, the fucking bitch is in town….
I can’t breathe...I can’t stop shaking all of a sudden.

*And Now…

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

PTSD flashbacks suck ass like nothing else and sometimes I’m really good, sometimes I know I’ll be iffy so I get numb.

Sometimes I do some fucked up stuff just to feel anything different.

And sometimes like right now it just takes thinking about HER and what she did to set me off.

It’s trapped in your own head and you know it’s happening and yet you can’t do a damned thing to get away.

For me it’s like a full fledged panic attack and I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe and I feel like I’m having a heart attack.

And in between all of that is that skin creepy feeling crawling over places that I didn’t want to ever be touched by anyone from back then.

I can feel it, i know it’s not there but I can still fucking feel it and despite the hot water and the bubbles and the soap I can still smell him.

Old man smell, cigars...the heavy heavy smell of it in my nose. The smell of it mixed with scotch on his breath and...and…

And then Hannah’s there, she’s there in front of me straddling me and she’s so not that...she so not him...she’s small and thin and boney and there’s just so much hair...and she’s right in my face.

Right there in my face until all I can see is her face, see is her big blue eyes and they take over everything.

She’s so careful as her forehead meets mine and she never breaks eye contact with me.

She breathes with me even as fast as I’m breathing right now and somehow she starts breathing slower and I don’t know why but I’m slowing down and I’m matching her breathing now instead of her hyperventilating with me.

Then I can breathe again.

And Hannah smiles at me.

This big beautiful heartbreaking smile.

And gives me this small tiny kiss.

That breaks me.

I lose it and I start bawling.

Unlike most people in my life she’s there while I fall apart.

I cry and I cry and I can’t stop and I can’t control it.

“I was good…(Sniffle-sob)...I was good and I had it down and I was past it! (Sniffle-sob)... then it had to come back! It had to come back! (Sniffle-sob) She fucking had to come back!”

Hannah holds me, holds me close and presses me to her chest.

“Who came back Summer, what happened?”

I try to get it out but it’s just sobs and tears at this point.

Hannah sways with me in the water holding me and she lets me bury my face into her.

And she starts to sing.

When the day is long…..

And the night, the night is yours alone.

When you're sure you've had enough...
Of this life…
Well hang on

Don't let yourself go…...
'Cause everybody cries…..
And everybody hurts sometimes….

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.

When your day is night alone … Hold on, hold on...
If you feel like letting go... Hold on.

If you think you've had too much...
Of this life…
Well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts….
Take comfort in your friends….
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand, oh no

Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life...
The days and nights are long.

When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes….
Everybody cries…

And everybody hurts…. sometimes

And everybody hurts…. sometimes

So hold on, hold on...
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on….

Everybody hurts

No, no, no, no you are not alone…..

By the time that she’s done singing to me that Hannah has drained the bathtub and grabbed a towel and was gently starting to dry my head as she finished.

Hannah...just…(Sniffle.)

Her and that goddamned heartbreaking old school rock… (Sniffle.)

I hate that she’s taking care of me.

I love that she’s taking care of me.

Hannah helps me get off my ass and to the edge of the tub with kisses and pulling on the towel she has around me and she...she’s freezing because she’s so skinny and I’m cold too from being in the water for so long but she gets us dry.

And then using that thing with the towel and pulling me with it we end up in our bed.

She gets us in and under the blankets and she cuddles with me to warm us both up and she even pulls some of those dollar store chemlights from the nightstand and she cracks and shakes them all reds and blues and yellow and pink and shoves them in with us as she pulls the covers completely over both of us.

“I had other plans for those but this works too.”

It’s just us and the lights and it’s corny as fuck but at the same time… (Sniffle.)

I’ve never seen anyone do magic before.

(Sniffle.) “Sorry….”

She kisses me really, really gently.

“Summer there’s nothing to be sorry about.”

“Yes there is, my damage isn’t your problem.”

She shakes her head then she looks at me. “Your Everything is My Everything.”

“People always say that.”

She stares at me and she just looks...those eyes and her hair and the multicolored lights.

“I know, I know and actions speak louder than words Summer so let me prove myself to you.”

“You shouldn’t have to prove yourself to me…” (Sniffle.)

“Why you are?”

“What?”

“You think I trusted you right off the bat Summer? I’ve been knocked around for years. My first reaction to friendly is be careful.”

(Sniffle.) “Didn’t trust me?”

“No not really.”

(Sniffle.) “Good I’m a horrible fucking person.”

She reaches out and she wipes away some of my new tears. “Summer you are not anywhere near as bad as you think and way more of a fucking mess than you let yourself be.”

(Sniffle -sob.) “That’s because...because I can’t, I can’t go there...It’s not safe to go there...no one’s there.”

“I’m here, you did with me.”

(Sniffle -sob.) “Well that’s different.”

“Why? Why is it different with me?”

(Sniffle.) “Because I love you….”

I said it, I said it, I didn’t mean to fucking say it.

My heart hurts and I couldn’t look at her until she moved my head up so she could kiss me.

“I love you too.”

(HAPPY-SOB!)....(Sad-Sob.)...(happy-sniffle-laugh-sob.)

Yeah I just had a fit.

And it’d be longer if Hannah hadn’t kissed me through it.

I’m crying and I don’t know what kind of tears they are happy, sad, broken….healing?

But we’re face to face again in the glow we’re sharing together and kissing and touching and legs entwined this mixture of touch and intimacy and just getting warmed up.

We do eventually slow down and we’re just looking at each other and there’s still tears leaking out of me.

My heart hurts, aches because I’m fucking terrified and I slip my fingers in with hers and take a shaky breath.

“When I was little my mom cheated on my Dad and he left us.”

“My mother was not a good mother, in fact one of the biggest things I remember was her looking at me like I was some bug. She used to say I wrecked her life.”

I swallow. “It was be seen and not heard.”

“And there was this endless supply of guys and her partying and them buying her things or whatever until she used them up or they just got fed up.”

“She pissed some people off too...I was too young to get it but I do now that she was running from people.”

Hannah looks at me. “Cops? Dealers?”

“No, mostly rich guys she was sleeping around with and tried to pull stuff on.”

“Oh…”

I laugh and yeah it’s a little bitter. “Mom was high end, she still is...from the car she was in the other day.”

“So one of them did something?”

“No...not like that...I was nine? Ten?...And she married this rich old guy. She never slept with him...she never had any intention of sleeping with him.”

Hannah has tears spilling out of her eyes crying for me.

I’m crying too.

“I was just a little fucking kid Hannah, just a little fucking kid, I was her own fucking child! She fucking sold me! She fucking sold me!”

I lose it and start sobbing again and she pulls me close and I cry myself to sleep my face in her chest.

*** Hannah…

Summer just about broke my heart.

I get pain.

Seriously.

Between my dad and home getting tormented and damned near killed for being a faggot I get pain.

And like I told Summer I learned more than a few lessons the hard way.

Yeah I give people chances.

Yeah I really try to be friendly...life’s too hard and too short to live like you’re defined by your trauma.

So I’m like carefully optimistic.

But Summer...Oh so much about her makes so much goddamned sense now with her and Adam and all that abuse she took.

And everything else with her.

Her mother sold her to some pedophile in exchange for a marriage and money and likely his will.

And now something happened where she’s in town.

Okay she might not even have recognized Summer but Summer sure as hell recognized her.

And it’s set her off way past what she’s able to handle.

I hold her again as she loses it and we’re getting warmed up under the blankets and she presses her face into my chest again.

Her hands stroke my back and trace my scars there over and over.

It’s all kinds of messed up that I think that it’s soothing both of us enough that I doze with her while simmering.

I am not a mean or hateful or vengeful person.

It’s really late when I slip out of bed to use the bathroom and Summer’s sleeping like someone that’s exhausted.

I get dabbed dry and into a pair of panties and I text into The office and to the Fair organizers that we won’t be there for the last day that Summer’s sick and can’t risk her voice.

I go downstairs and I text Adam the First.

[I have a problem.]

I was not expecting him to text me back immediately.

[What kind of problem.]

[Summer had something bad happen.]

[What happened?]

[She ran into her mother, she’s in town apparently.]

[I see.]

[You looked into Summer like you did with the rest of everyone else?]

[Yes of course.]

[You know who her stepfather is?]

[Was he’s dead now.]

[Good.]

[Good?]

[Good, he molested her when her mother married him.]

[And she’s in town?]

[Summer just had another PTSD flashback. And she broke down and told me.]

[What do you need me to do?]

[Find her, tell me.]

[I’ll find her but you leave her to me. Take care of Summer.]

[You sure?]

[I’m very sure, Summer needs you to be you. I’ll be me.]

[I just want her safe sir. I’m pissed as hell and with Kisses & Thorns under contract and on the radio I don’t trust this as being a coincidence.]

[There are no coincidences, take care of her.]

I bite my lip taking a big guess given just everything….just.

[Your granddaughter is safe with me.]

Several long minutes pass before he texts. [I’ll hold you to that.]

………………….
………………….
And now I want to beat the shit out of Adam because he did all of that horrible shit to her and she’s his…