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Jem…Chapter 65
Chapter 65
………………?
Don’t change?
My brain is whirling and everything that’s just happened just right now and that we’ve been through and she’s saying no? Saying don’t change?
I….
And the thing is that…as my head feels like it’s spinning and out of control with what she just said I’m getting limp…and it just feels…wrong…just sagging away and hanging there like…
I’ve never really felt like this…this wrong in my self before…I mean I’ve masturbated and things and we all have needs, and have to find releases but…
I always felt guilty afterwards?
But, this?
And the more soft and sticky it gets, the more that I feel this….it’s, it was amazing…and I was so caught up in the emotions that it was the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt…but it was our connection…not the sex…but it is the sex…where’s the inside softness…where’s the glow?
I’m so effing confused!
If Rayne wasn’t so vulnerable…and in my arms I think I’d be having a super serious freak out. What do I do…what do I say to that?
“Rayne…”
She moves her arms from beside my head to around my neck and shoulders and she starts to break into tears, these great big heavy sobs. And with it those heaving, teary, crying words.
“Don’t change…please, please don’t change…I…I gave Summer everything and she…she…she changed!… (Insert Massive crying burst.) I loved her…I did and I gave her everything…I gave her…(Massive crying burst.)…I love you Angel! I love You goddamn it and I’m fucking scared! (More crying.) Just please, please don’t change on me…please…just stay…be my Angel…please…?”
“Rayne…?”
(Blubbery sniffle.) “Yeah…?”
“Who else would I be?”
“Jason…”
My tears just break loose now and I’m trying to get it out what I want to say but for a few minutes too crying is the only thing I can do. I’m just as blubbery sounding as I suck in enough air to choke out. “I’m….I’m really not sure Jason was real…”
I’ll say this now as upset as she is when I started crying, she still held me.
“Angel…..?”
“Are…”
“No…I’m not okay….”
“Angel…? Was it me….?”
(Blubbery-whiny-sad-sniffle-laugh.) “Yes, no….”
Rayne holds me tighter like I might vanish or something. “I…I don’t understand…”
“I…Rayne….I loved what we just had…I have never felt this connected to another person in my life….but…but…I think Jason just died….”
(Blubbery-whiney-sniffle.) “What?”
I move my lower parts then myself as I turn in her arms, turn it away from her and pull the sheets between my legs…just…
“You really didn’t want this part did you…?”
Silence…well sniffling silence…
“Angel…..” Her voice is really quavery….
“I know… I know…I knew it wasn’t right Rayne but I thought this was what you wanted but as good as…it was it’s not…I…I think I thought that’s what I wanted with you but it’s not…It…I want to be me Rayne…I want to be me, Angel…who I really am inside and not…Jason…not even this…!”
I sort of gesture at myself and these feelings I have are just bubbling up from someplace like a unstoppable flood. She’s still holding me and we shift and she’s spooning me…like she did on our couch and holding me I’m crying pretty hard again…I’m holding the sheets pretty tight to my crotch…
“I knew you didn’t want that…It’s why I kept asking….”
“I wanted you to love me Angel…I wanted you to stay…”
“But I do love you…I never wanted….that…”
“But you had…you were…hard…”
I cry, I cry and let out this I’m losing my mind laugh with it. “I can’t help that…! I think you’re fucking beautiful! You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I can’t react the way I want to react for you because….because this is wrong!”
I give my crotch a angry futile gesture with one arm and pull more bedding there and hunch…
“It…it hurts Rayne…it hurts, I never thought it’d hurt like this but it does, I don’t want this…I don’t want to be like this…I just want to be me….I just want to be Angel…I’m so…”
“Tired…?” She tightened her arms around me and holds me super tight and I need it…I need the kiss she gives the back of my neck…but it’s this…sound in her voice…this I get it empathy she has in it that is so soothing.
“God yes tired!” And I’m crying again and she’s holding me…and I’m bawling because it’s unfolding inside me that maybe all the hurt, the pain, the crap I was living with as Jason was all tied in with this…but how can you explain something to yourself even that there’s no words for? I just thought all this hurt was from my shitty life? I mean Adam’s still a massive asshole but what if that’s even part of it.
What if I’ve never been me until now…or me in my head because my body is not me…and just how fucked up is it that me getting slammed by this like this happen now of all times?
But it had to happen now.
I never wanted this either…I love her, I do, I want to make love with her I do but not like this…
Never again…
I get control of my breathing and stop shaking…was I shaking again? “I…I need to get cleaned up…”
I slip out of bed and take one of the sheets with me and go to the bathroom and climb into the shower and wash…shit…It takes me a moment to clue into taking my corset off after I’m already wet…
No curves…not really…nothings right…and I would be crying as I wash down there but I just don’t have the tears…so I settle for pressing my head against the tiles and thumping it there a few times.
I’m shivering when I get out of the shower and a little blue…I think I ran out of hot water awhile ago.
Rayne’s here and showered? She’s in this ratty assed grey pair of sweatpants and a baggy black AC/DC tee shirt that’s seen better days. She wraps me in a towel. “I brought you some clothes.”
I slip into my panties, tucking and just…
Then my pjama bottoms and the camisole I usually sleep in. I let my head hang down and Rayne wraps it in a towel and takes my hand and leads us to my bedroom…she moved the candles…and we settle on my bed and she passes me a hot chocolate…I sip it.
We haven’t really said anything much since I left to shower…and we’re still quiet as I set down the hot chocolate and she dries my hair and hen starts brushing it for me…this…this is what I want…tat person that’s the other half of me that we don’t need words for.
Every one in a while though she’ll move my hair…kiss my neck or my shoulder…softly, sweetly…
Each one helps, it does.
I settle more and more and then she pulls me back into my bed and pulls the covers over us both and holds me close in her arms and I really need this right now…I so do not feel like I’m strong enough…that I really…
I need someone to take care of me for a change…It’s selfish as hell and I hate that I need it when she’s just as hurt as me.
But I love that she’s there and that she is.
“Rayne…?”
“Yes Beautiful….” She said it quietly and softly as she kissed my neck a little more. It means so much to me right now.
“Sing to me?”
She pulls me tight and she spoons with me again. I hear her singing and at first I thing it’s Train by the way she’s humming to tune up but instead it’s actually one of my favorite songs. *Just the way you are.* By Bruno Mars…It’s actually one of the songs that I’ve bee waiting to sing for Rayne because I feel so strongly about the lyrics…and she starts it in this perfect breathy soft slower female cover of the song and having her serenade me, hold me and love me is just…
“Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are(yeah)
Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Oh, you know, you know, you know, I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So, don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are. Yeah….”
And I know she means me…Angel…being Angel, being the real me…being just the way I am…being the girl I am…
And…
There…
There it is…
There’s my glow inside.
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Comments
Clearly the direction I was expecting...
Weren't all of you as well? What else would or could happen between two who love each other as they do, Rayne see's the girl, made love to the girl and was just able to deal with the birth defect that Angel has. How many of us react with a wince or look away from some person with an obvious birth defect, and just because hers is mostly hidden doesn't mean it isn't there. Angel loves Rayne with all of her heart, and would rip the offending appendage from her body if possible, but instead, a physical response that occurs when aroused was used, probably for the first and last time. This was no male fantasy of lesbian conversion, it was two girls in love, who learned something important. It was beautiful! Thank you Bailey
Draflow
Thank You Draflow:)
You pretty much hit all the points of what's been happening with the girls and especially Rayne's take on what is going on.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Confirmation
Yep, there is a confirmation of what Angel kind of hinted, that she was real and he was not. But she got some way to go yet.
Rayne/Angel love sure is here to stay.
Wow Bailey that was quite a double post you gave us, THANKS !!!
Peace Love and Happiness
tmf
Yeah it's been slowly sinking in that.
They weren't so much as becoming Angel as they were stopping being Jason.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
I can really relate to Angel
I can really relate to Angel right now as she discovers more about who she is and what she wants. We all expected Rayne to be all OMG Urg, we didn't anticipate Angel's discomfort even though many of us can empathize. Obviously to be comfortable with herself and sex with Rayne Angel will want to change fully, not for Rayne's comfort but for her own.
I'm sure Remy can help Angel make that change, just not sure Angel will want to wait after this. I hope Rayne realizes what happened exactly.
Big hugs
Lizzie :)
Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p
Yes Angel will have to transition to feel okay in her own skin.
Her and Rayne are definitely in love and they will find their way through some of these hurdles that are going to be coming ahead. And Remy will definitely be there in their corner.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.
The Godfather;)
Bailey Summers
as always
well told and emotional as life.
thanks
Thanks Lonewolf:)
Emotional as life, I like that.
*Hugs and Howls.*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
nicely
nicely done, that glow sticks
k-jo
I was lying down minding my own business when life came by and drove right over me
Thanks K-jo:)
That glow inside is so much more than the physical things.
*Bug Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Yes it was expected of course
However it still does not change the portrayal of Rayne, as suddenly being okay with the penis bit in order to set up Angel's confirmation of identity, which caused my comment in part 64 to begin with.
This way was romantic but Angel's confirmation could've been worked around such that they got together the first time after Angel's op, to make it that much sweeter. I had my surgery as a virgin FWIW.
That they love each other is great but I don't think Rayne's integrity is protected as well as it could have been as there is no clear cut statement here as to Rayne's position now on penetrative sex and as to the why of a change of heart, if any.
Kim
There's a different time and a different generation here.
Hooking up is seen by the kids today as a whole different thing than us from the older generations. Not always a good thing in my opinion but still something that happens and Angel and Rayne discovered a lot by this whole encounter.
I'm glad the next chapter shows some of Rayne's side of things.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Yayness Returns!
*Annnnnnnnnnd breathe...*
So Rayne was trying to change herself to do what she thought she needed to do to please and keep Angel and Angel was doing what she thought Rayne wanted. It would be easy to see this as a bad thing, and in a very real way it was, but it also could be read in a 'Gift of the Magi' way. Angel and Rayne both made sacrifices to show the other how much they love each other but in the end those sacrifices were worthless and its their love for each other that is shown to be priceless. Hopefully the realisation of that can finally shift the spectre of Summer out of their relationship as well and they can just enjoy it for what it is.
Love is beautiful. It can also be messy, heartbreaking, scary and confusing.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
You're so right Jemima:)
Love is beautiful and messy, heartbreaking and confusing. It's a good thing though that in a real relationship these aren't just hurdles to get over but they're ways of getting even closer.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
"I think Jason just died…"
Wept like a baby reading this.
I remembered the one and only time I actually used my member for sex with a woman, and how ... wrong it felt.
It was a good thing my then-wife got pregnant on that one occasion, because it was never going to happen again.
Bailey, your my brother and I love you, but if you dont give me a big hug for making me cry like this...
I figure that there'd be people that get Angel in this.
It seems to be something a lot of girls encounter with the big of shit realization really sinks in with who they are. I'm not saying they don't feel that before at all but when sex goes sideways like that and everything it really drives the point home.
Thanks for sharing Dorothy:)
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey A Proud Big Brother.
Bailey Summers
Been there done that.
Got the two children and the nervous tick when ever I think about it, what I had to do to make it possible . I was a bit slow but I loved my wife and honored our relationship until she discovered that she was really heterosexual. I am happy very happy for Angle that she has Ryan who is honest and loves the real person.
With those with open eyes the world reads like a book
Angel doesn't want the nervous tick:)
But with how mental and upset and off the rails she feels she'd so get it.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
Oh Bailey , I am soory for
Oh Bailey , I am soory for makeing such a fuss with my last comment!!
This chapter had me crying, remembering all those times my body felt
so wrong!! Even though I was married (long story) and had 2 sons, the
sex just never felt right!! It was one of the difficuties in my marriage!
It is funny as I am now a lesbian and the sex is great!! Of course my body
is now correct to fit who I truely am!! I now see what Rayne was trying to
say, it had nothing to do with Angel's current body but who she is and how
she relates to Rayne!! Now we need to get down to resolving Adam and his
influence on Angle's life!! I so want to smash his face!!! He is truely evil!!
Hugs,
Pamela
Thanks Pamela!
I was really hoping to nail the feelings on the head with how it feels to go through those feelings as you and others have been through.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers