No, as some of you may have noticed, I'm still around. Life continues along it's merry way, despite our expectations that something life changing has happened.

I've been living with a lot of pain for the last two years. The rotator cuff in my left shoulder is pretty torn up. I've been able to function, barely. Yesterday I received word surgery to repair it has been approved. Yeah!

September 24 I go under the knife.

This is critical for me. I have at least two surgeries too get through before I can even contemplate SRS. I'm happy this is finally under way! December I should be able to have surgery on my right ankle. That means I'll be on track for SRS sometime late next year!!

Please, keep me in prayer.

Love, Hugs, and Blessings

Had a bit of a tough moment today, where all the stress of my mom's job, our potentially losing this place, and a realization that I might just possibly be attracted to men all hit me at the same time.

Fortunately, Tels was there to talk to me on the phone, and she recommended I get up off the couch where I had been huddling, stand up, and walk with one foot right in front of the other, tightrope style.

It helped.

I just got back from going out for breakfast with my mom, and it was a strange experience. Our server was not only a cheerful and talkative young lady, she seemed to want to touch me as often as she could - rubbing my back, my arm, and once actually sitting in the booth beside me.

I have no idea why.

Otherwise, it was an okay day, I got my blood work done, so that's one more step taken care of.

Each step, even a baby one, is a good one, I think.

I feel like I'm slowly getting stronger again, and its a good thing. I might need the extra energy the next two weeks as I'm going to a new store to help get it set up. Being with strange people, wondering how well I'm passing, trying to work in an unfamiliar store - it could be very interesting ....

For some reason, I'm on a "hair trigger" in terms of flashbacks at the moment, dropping into shaky moments at the drop of a hat, often without any trigger that I know about.
Pray for me, please.

I forgot to talk about my visit to the doctor's today. My old family doctor had retired, so I saw his replacement. I gave him the Cliff Notes on my situation, and he gave me a total physical. He had a nurse there for dealing with my fiddly bits (partially because I told him about being abused, I suspect, and partially to honour my preferred gender.)

The worst part was getting a rectal exam, which was as horrible an experience as you might expect for someone who has been raped like I was.

Life is stomping all over me this summer(with alpine spikes). Since the death of my Mom in the spring I have tried to set things right and move on with life. That has been delayed due to the pettiness of some Medicaid cretins. they determined in with their rules and procedures to only give Mom partial coverage so that the creditors were left with unpaid sums of money which they feel is due them, probably rightly so, but they have begun court proceedings to get the money from me.

I had a sobering dose of reality delivered to me by four of the women in my life today. My, mother, sister and two sister's -in-law pretty much told me I have been fooling myself that I could ever think I could ever be successful as a woman the way I have been going. I went to our family reunion yesterday and today my sister-in-law proceeded to chop whatever self confidence I had left in myself to shreds. She told me that I just "existed" in that room yesterday and my body language showed I didn't care. It seems like I am doomed to failure in the make up department too.

This only goes to show you how life is stranger than fiction.

I went to see my lawyer this morning, really just to sign the motion for him to get the case dismissed. The state came back this morning with another offer, removing two of the charges against me. I decided to not risk 15 years in prison and instead settle on 6 months probation. The probation doesn't have me attending any classes or effect my life in any way other than to mail in something every month saying that I am alive.

First -

This post is about the closest friend I have in the world FO. I have known him for about seventeen years; we have been through a lot together and always stuck with each other. No one in my life knows about me but last night that changed. I don’t have to tell you folks that depression is a mighty powerful thing, the only outlet I have in my life to be me is this wonderful site and the friends I have made here. I had been getting less and less sleep because of nightmares and depression along with the day(ugh)job being a bitch. I have been debating telling FO for awhile.

I recently (a little more than two weeks ago) started taking 1mg of Estradiol. (Evidently my body knew something was up in advance so my hormone levels weren't that far off to what they should be for transitioning). I notice lately that I've been having headaches. Not really headaches, but cerebral discomfort. Is this normal? I was thinking maybe with brain chemistry changing and all. I'm not in any pain, just concerned.

Well, I no longer have a computer. I tend to leave my computer in "sleep" mode because it has some problems with rebooting. Until last night, when a storm managed to knock the system for a loop, and nothing I've been able to do has brought it back. Sorry folks, but that means your not gonna hear from me much.

I had a bit of a frustrating experience yesterday, but as a result I managed to make some progress in dealing with my tendency to have negative self-talk.

What happened was this: I got ready to go to work last night, and somehow managed to lose my keys just before I was set to go. A frantic search with my mom turned up nothing, leaving us both frustrated and upset, but finally there was nothing I could do but take my spare keys and head out.

My brother and sister in law came over last night, and she saw my nails and was less than impressed with them. Not that I wanted painted nails, but my color choice was not a wise one, according to her. She said most women learn colors and age-appropriate styles in or before high school, because, in her words "teen girls are the most vicious creatures on earth".

Wow. Its been just past two years since I've logged into this account and checked this place out as my online personality. Between that time a lot has passed for me. For those of you who might remember me... hi. For those who don't or haven't met me, I've only got two other blog posts on here from two years ago, so getting to know what I was like two years ago shouldn't be too difficult. I'm... not really sure what to do or say. I think I might start from the beginning.

I can still remember the first crush I had. It was in 6th grade, and I sent her love notes using the name "little Neutrino" until the day I brought in the Klattu album where that name was from, and found out she had been sharing the notes with other girls.

After that, I was a bit more careful about my crushes, making pretty sure they never knew how I felt about them. Which was good, because I tended to pick girls who where 1 - in serious relationships, 2 - straight, and therefore not likely to swing my way, and 3 - totally out of my league in any case.

Upon opening the blog you should have heard a trumpet and balloons should have floated out of your computer along with confetti. If those things didn't happen, I am sorry that your computer must be defective and you should mail it to me and buy one that works the way I think it should.

For those of you keeping track of the mess I'm in, here is an update. Maybe some of you can give me some feedback or suggestions.

I met with the lawyer today. It's the first time I had a sit down with him since the whole mess began. Right now there are 2 pressing issues... one, the charges against me, three unregistered email accounts that they say were suppose to be registered. Two, whether further charges dealing with files on my computer were coming.

Transition happened, I'm back at work. It's almost as if for the rest of the world, nothing happened. Why am I so surprised?

Had a very funny moment at the bank today. Went in to get some cash out for my mom, and the teller starts asking me my address and phone number, and suddenly I realize she is seeing my male name come up on the card and I'm wearing a skirt. So I tell her I'm transitioning, give her the information she needs to verify I'm me, and I get my cash.

Makes me wish I could afford to do the name change, but ah, well.

At least I got a funny story out of it.

Well, today is the 25th anniversary of the Edmonton Tornado, pretty much the worst natural disaster to hit this city at least in my lifetime. I managed to be out of town the day it happened, but the stories from family and friends about that day continue to move me all these years later.

Here's hoping there isnt another event like that in my lifetime here. Once was lots.