Why do I still struggle with my identity? Well, there are a few reasons why. First, because there is nothing feminine in my body - no intersex condition, no lack of testosterone, none of that, which keeps me wondering where does this fem thing come from?

Second, because of my rape and other nasty events in my life, I would be a good candidate for gender issues if environment plays any role at all, so the question becomes, "Would I feel the same if I had been blessed with some positive male role models?"

I just got out of counseling. I am one week closer to going on HRT (July 12th or something like that). The question that keeps being asked, and one that I don't have an answer to, is what is the end result of my transitioning.

Since the possibility of me being able to get SRS has gone up, I find I've been reacting super emotionally to the subject. I tear up talking about it, and even just writing about it is hard because I start crying. I'm scared of the pain, the discomfort, the whole thing, but I want it, I NEED IT ....

Oh crap. Here comes the water works ....

Yeah! 20 years ago today, I was having GRS done by Dr. Stanley Biber at Mount San Rafael Hospital in Trinidad Colorado. This time of day, too.

Well, yesterday was a bit of a mixed day. First, I went to my daughter's grad, and it went really well, which was the good part of the day. Best of all, I wore female clothes, (abet very androgynous ones), and didnt have an issue with my ex or my daughter.

The better happened about halfway through my shift - Some of you might remember me blogging a couple of years back while I was working for Zellers about working in the Health and Beauty section, and getting depressed looking at the pretty women on the boxes.

I need to start collecting something or starting a hobby, but I don't know what so I was hoping for ideas.

I use to collect Christian Music CDs but with the internet and downloading, that has gone to the wayside. I wanted to collect awards for writing, but I haven't gotten one yet. But now that I have the house, it needs something with personality.

There are two legal maters that I am dealing with right now; one is a case against me and one is a case against people who stole from me. I got updates on both and figured I would share them. As you can gather, with all the stress I am under, I really haven't had the mental energy to continue writing and I apologize for that. I will continue the cure as soon as possible, but I wouldn't be able to tell you when.

Still not getting much writing done. But I am trying to get back into shape.

As part of this, I'm trying to put in more time on the bike.

Well, apparently I cant hide it very well when I'm having a bad flashback.

I was at the pot-luck dinner for my trans support group, and started having real problems, when a couple of people made a point of asking me if I was okay.

Of course, I wasnt, but by keeping myself engaged in my surroundings through what I could feel, see, hear, and even smell, I was able to ride it out and get back to normal.

Well, on Mother's day I talked a bit about how that day and Father's day can suck for people who dont fit the gender stereotype, but today, with Father's day being tomorrow, I wanted to talk a little about some of the challenges I have being one.

First, you have to understand that I was totally not prepared for parenthood, to but it mildly. This was not just because of my gender issues, or my overall mental health, both of which have played a part in my struggle to be a good parent, but because I had no role model in my own life to draw on in terms of what a good dad looked like.

Well, I had a super hard day at work in terms of trying to get stuff done, and I'm paying for it with a stiff neck, sore shoulders, and general tiredness. Added to that, I'm losing my up part of my bipolar cycle, which means I'm headed down, and fast ...

To make things totally yucky, after reading a story on here that had a forced sexual moment, I started flashing, and really havent stopped so much as have small breaks between flashes.

Ah, well.

I am a Desert Shield/Storm Veteran. During the war I was a Field Artillery Surveyor in the 1st Infantry Division. As such, I directly participated in the liberation of Kuwait from Iraq. This also means that I actually witnessed the results of what happened on the "Road of Death". This is the main road between Kuwait City and the Iraq border. Needless to say, the sights were not very pretty (I actually stepped on brain matter). For years now, I have been having difficulties so, I finally forced myself to go to the V.A. Medical Center in Bedford MA.

For the vast majority of my life, I've felt like a failure. No matter what I tried, I failed at it, or at least that's how I saw it. Then, having nothing left to lose, I went looking for help for my rape, and then for my gender issues.

And a funny thing has happened since. I've made amazing amounts of progress on both issues.

First, with the rape, I can now ground myself through a flashback, and my nightmares have gotten much better.

Here is a new pic of me. I hope this works:

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash2/371255_10000223...

OK, so, I've been "out" for a while. Just about everyone knows about me, lots of people who passed me with only a casual glance were already seeing a girl... So it was time to take the next step and drop the male facade completely.

At about 615 this morning I dislocated my knee, and unlike the usual when this happens, it stayed out for several minutes, leaving me in enough pain to have to call my supervisor for help. I spent the last 45 minutes of my shift having to move very, very slowly and carefully, doing light work as I went.

Hopefully, this is a one-off, and not a sign I'm going to get in further trouble with it ...

Last night, I started to have a flashback, and I found a new way to ground myself. I started clicking the button on my safety knife (its the knife I use at work to open boxes). The sound of the clicks somehow kept me from spiraling out of control.

Interesting, no?

There are some trans people who somehow never doubt who they are, and can easily withstand any pressure to be anybody else.

But not me, I get moments of doubt.

When I was young, this doubt came partially out of fear - the fear that I had to be insane to have this feeling of femininity coming out of a body that was anything but female. So trying to disbelieve the feelings came a form of protection against that fear.

Well, I had a better day at work last night, and now I'm off for a couple, so I'm going to try and get a few things accomplished. But its not all rosy, as you can guess by the title of this entry, and that's because there are things in my head that kinda scare me, and I have a number of almost-mental-illness like conditions that are less than fun.

They include having some OCD-like traits -I'm not a neat freak, or a germ freak, but I have a number of "magic" little routines that seem to serve no purpose other than keep me calm. ...

I felt like sharing a little bit before I go away. Lately I've been having a lot of dreams and remembering them, which really isn't that odd for me but I know some people would be envious. A week ago I had a dream that my Aunt was back living and approved that I bought a house. I was more worried that since she was officially dead and I spent the inheritance, she didn't have anything to live on monetarily (though she would always be allowed to stay with me). Anyway, that's not the dream I wanted to talk about.

First off, real life back story or the dream won't make sense.

I'm a bit confused right now about how to handle this news.

This past week I went to the doctor about my high blood pressure and mentioned the soreness around my right nipple. After examining me, he said I have gynecomastia. I guess I'm not really surprised as I am 55 yrs old, 5'8" and 245 lbs. I'm confused because I have feelings of both "not another problem" and "WOW".

Well, yesterday I came out to my daughter's teacher, basically to get her to watch out for any signs that Sam is getting bullied because of my transition. Coming out wasnt that big a deal - to either of us, based on her reaction, but I felt better for taking a step to help deal with the anxiety I was having over Sam. Hmmm. Actually DOING something proactive? Could be a good idea for other stuff too...

I am slowly walking down the path, fearfully, afraid, but moving forward.

The depression has receded, but it still lurks. Having accepted that I will probably transition, just not today, seems to have taken a load off. My boy says he thinks I am becoming much happier. I think he is right.

As I wander in the tunnel I dug for myself, and knowing that the light coming toward me is an oncoming train that I built, fueled, and sent toward me, I wonder if I am going to survive its impact. Somehow, no amount of bracing myself seems to be helping ...

I seem to have a high self-preservation instinct. Not only cant I kill myself, I cant even make myself go crazy properly....

Every day I pray I havent wasted my life, that somehow, something I've done will actually mean something in Eternity. If not, why be here at all?