You may be familiar with a poem called "Footprints" where a person looks back on their life and realizes how often God carried them through hard times. Well, God has been walking me through some "footprints" moments the last little while. Not so much about hard times, but just how He has put me in just the right place at just the right time to receive a blessing. I could give lots of examples, but two really stand out for me. First is the very existence and presence in my life of my daughter.

Got a piece of fantastic mail today!

That is now my official name... and this is a huge step forward now.

So, Hi everyone, from my newly legal self,
Diana Michelle Howe

So the last week has been a little slice of hell...Mixed with a little slice of affirmation(leavened with some idiocy). Anyway, step 1 of getting hubby healthy has been accomplished. Full mouth extraction(Which his cardiologist insisted on prior to surgery to repair a congenital Atrio-Septal Defect). He tried to chicken out and I had to gently bully him into going.

The surgery itself went just fine, although he almost didn't survive check-in. Not from any medical issue aside from my intense desire to strangle him...

If anybody ever tells you that Electro-convulsive shock therapy is not painful go to this site.

I endured this sort of stuff from 1952 to 1958. It hurts! It hurts like hell and it is abuse not therapy. They might as well just have beaten me with sticks.

No requittal. No f-----g requittal!!!

http://www.myfoxboston.com//dpp/news/undercover/video-of-tee...

www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/undercover/video-of-teen-restrain...

well, I'm a little shaky thanks to a conversation with someone on the support site I belong to. She told me she was being used by her own father for sex, something she described in some detail, and she refused any idea of reporting him or stopping him.

I ache in grief for her, but I had to let her go because considering my background, it was all I could do to not throw up while she was talking, and I got very upset at her lack of interest in helping herself.

Ah, well.

well, I had a good session today at the rape center, and I fell as good as can be, considering. We talked about my nightmares, and my therapist said it actually represents some signs of progress, because in each dream, I intended to act, rather than simply freeze. Baby steps, I guess.

Since arriving here, I have to tell you that I am one happy tomboy! I really have to admit that the fact that I actually have had people reading what I've written (as well as that which my friend Koz has allowed me to share) has really gotten my juices flowing in the mental and, pardon me, physical sense. (with apologies for the not so subtle joke there).

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #42: Easter Backyard Picnic To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I am a second-generation Italian-American (well, one-half of me is), and I am sure that those of you who have Italian roots and celebrate Easter in the traditional way, you'll know that the big deal thing is (aside from the morning High Mass) is lunch.   Lasagna, hard-boiled eggs and green salad with asparagus (or salads with tuna), and then roast beef and lamb and roast potatoes, and for dessert - sweet Easter bread and chocolate eggs, and then ending with an espresso or a nice cappucino.

But, of course, none of that for me this time as I'm not at home. Darn...

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #41: Easter Sunday To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter from sunny Manila.

for the 2nd time in the last 3 days I had a nightmare. I thought all the rape counseling and stuff was supposed to help me with this crap?

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #40: Holiday Blues (3 of 3): Poolside Musings To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

The stereotypical image we have of summer (and it's most definitely summer here - ninety degrees, can you believe it?) is a sumer spent mostly at the beach.   But some girls - girls like me - don't look at time at the beach as a stereotypical summer - lying in the sun, lounging around and working on their tans.   But, being "a stranger in a strange land," I felt anonymous enough that I thought I could do some of that without any of the consequences.   We planned on going to the beach this afternoon.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #39: Holiday Blues (2 of 3): Mall Insecurity To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Wednesday was a regular workday here in Manila, but it was the day before the start of a four-day weekend. Most everyone wanted to go home to their hometowns, so there's usually a massive exodus of people from Metro Manila going towards various other places in the country.

Spring is here and I am in a particularly happy place. Naturally its because my GF Sparky are totally in love with each other and have mutually compatible kinks and fetishes. But, I wanted to list my reasons to be cheerful (with apologies to the late great Mr Lovepants, himself, Ian Dury) about being an FTM crossdresser

1) Being in public and having someone refer to me as "Sir" or "Young Man"
2) The warm soft feeling of pair of cottony y-fronts straight from the dryer as I pul them up my legs to my mid section.

Normally one would be a tad nervous about a court date. Why do I find myself anticipating it rather than nervous?

well, my ex managed to catch pneumonia, so she'll be very sick for a couple of days. I hope she gets better soon. I may not like how she thinks in terms of my transition, but I dont want her hurt.

Well, last night some co-workers and I were talking, and the subject of sex ed came up. Suddenly, i had something like a flashback of taking sex ed in elementary myself, and realizing for the first time that the equipment I had in my pants wasnt suddenly going to drop off leaving me with a nice girl set. (Until we were taught better, that seemed to be the prevailing opinion on how girls got made) I suddenly remembered being actually sick with grief afterward, but not really knowing why.

Take that for what it is, I guess.

Well, yesterday, I got a gift from a friend that helped pull me out of my depression. I had gone to lunch with her, and talked about my struggles, and she told me I have pretty feminine features and manners.

This is the sort of stuff I need to hold on to when I start feeling like I cant ever pass, or any of the other garbage that runs through my head regularly.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #37: Back in Manila To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

Moe n I arrived in Manila this morning - about 6AM Sunday (or 6PM Saturday EST).   Another four weeks here in sunny Manila.

There are times when I question this strange thing I am, because in all honesty, it doesnt seem to make a lot of sense to me. I mean, intersex people, that kinda makes sense, and you can get tests done and know you belong to that category. But me, my fem side is literally only in my head, and short of an autopsy when I die, there isnt any way to be 100 % sure I 'm not just crazy.,

Ah, well.

Well, today was a tough day with my daughter. We took her and her two friends to West Edmonton Mall, played glow-in-the-dark mini-golf, and went skating at the ice rink. Sounds like fun, right? Well, not really, because the boys noticed I was wearing a woman's shirt, and so that became an awkward topic for conversation. Plus, I'm worried like heck about a friend of mine who is really struggling and has even talked about suicide.

Sigh.

It gets better, right?

At my counseling session today, my counselor suggested I find a way to process all the grief I went through as a kid by having some kind of mourning ritual. The death of my father, the loss of my innocence, the "burying" of my girl self, all need to be grieved over. I'm not sure what form this should take, but it sounds like a good idea.

Boy, if that doesnt get people reading, nothing would, giggle. But its more than just a "hook" , it really happened to me. It was like this: I was in high school, and found a small circle of friends playing Dungeons and Dragons. A couple of the girls who were part of that circle became very close to me. I think if I had been a genetic girl I would definitely called them my BFf's . Well, one summer day, one of them had invited me and the other to hide in their basement from the heat.

I was reading a story that mentioned some things that girls apparently do instinctively, and it set off a round of "TG PMS" where I found myself wondering - do I do those things? Did I do them as a child? And what if I didnt, what does that make me? I'll be okay, it will pass, but it sucks.

I'm kinda stuck in terms of a transition. I cant change my name until I get my birth certificate, and I 'm stuck waiting for the forms. But I'm feeling desperate to feel like I'm making progress, and I dont know what else I can do in the meantime.

Ah, well.