Last night, I dreamed that my brother was dead. So this morning, I had to call him, just to hear his voice.

That's not too weird, is it?

If you are interested, I've found an interesting article on being trans and being a survivor of sex abuse:

http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/childhood.trauma.html

Just a question for you all. I am considering publishing here the speech I will give at church on Sunday, and I wonder if I should do so as a "story" or a "blog"?

opinions?

As most of my long-time readers know, I try my best in this blog to be as honest as I possibly can, in part to make up for the amount of lying that was part of my life before. That isn't always easy, a lot of the time I'd rather talk about something "safe" than bring out the tough stuff that's going on. Like, for example, discovering I did the double-look at boys, that was not easy to write out for public consumption, to say the least.

Sadly, I'm faced with one of those moments again

well, yesterday I went to the doctor's about my foot, and my 2nd worst fears have been confirmed. My worst fear was that it was cancer, which it isn't, but my second-worst fear was that they would tell me there's nothing more they can do for me, and that's what's happened. Apparently, they don't think surgery is a good choice because the risks of nerve damage, so basically, I can try to stuff a pad into my shoe and hope that helps, and otherwise, I get to just live with it.

Ah, well. with my gender issues, I already knew I wasn't gonna ever be pain free anyway ...

well, I have a rough draft of what I want to say in church on June 8, and I would really like some opinions on it. If you're interested, please send me a private message.

I just finished reading a book called "But inside, I'm screaming". Its the story of a young reporter who has a breakdown and ends up in a mental hospital, and the story is about her slow journey back to mental health.

You wouldn't think that would be a good story for me to read, especially as I have been fighting depression all week, but her learning how to love herself even if she isn't perfect was inspiring to me.

I can recommend the book to anyone.

Well, I just got home from my group therapy session, and once again, I am in tears.

Well, I have a new favorite book.

Well, today is my fifth anniversary here on Big Closet!

Well, I had a dental appointment yesterday, and I am in pain, but at least its over with.

Well, apparently, I have very stubborn testosterone.

If anybody is interested, I have created a Big Closet Fan page on Facebook

Here is a link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1418685195068872/

check it out, and join, if you wanna!

After my group therapy session, I stopped at a local mall and looked around, including a walk through the bookstore, and I came across a book called "623 stories you can write". I took a peek inside, and it had story titles or questions like "you're an astronaut - describe one day in your life", or "describe the worst Thanksgiving day dinner ever".

I forgot to get the name of the authors, but I'm sure someone could find the book if they were interested in writing but have trouble finding good ideas.

Just a quick note to thank all the people who sent me good wishes during the last couple of days.

You're all amazing, thank you.

Before I do anything else in this blog entry, an apology.

I'm sorry this entry isn't gonna be fluffy kitties and rainbows.

Well, I'm sorry to report that I am no longer part of a couple.

There are a great many things I can say about me.

I was broken.

I'm healing.

I'm still not who I want to be.

I'm no longer who I was.

I was doomed to be trans, no matter what.

Well, I learned some things yesterday because of a combination of a story from when I was born my mother told me and a memory from before I met my first girlfriend that I had not thought about since.

The story my mom told me is that I almost died just after I was born. I wouldn't gain weight, so they decided to leave me with my mother so she could feed me whenever I would take it.

It would be three months before I was out of the woods.

Now, for the memory.

Just for fun, I thought I might share with you all what stories I'm working on, to hopefully whet your appetite ...

you know, I often praise the level of tolerance I receive here in Edmonton, but there have been some ... troubling signs that the forces of bigotry are trying to push back.

Well, I had my first session in group therapy today, and it was okay, I guess.

It was all women, I'm not sure if that was on purpose or not, but it made an interesting dynamic.

I got hit on at church today, or I think so.

For my loyal readers who have been avidly following my story Out of the Blue Part II: Into the Fray, sorry for the delays. Since I came out to my parents and starting transitioning with hormones just about a year ago, I've gone through a couple of very dark patches, but now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I'm feeling very peaceful in my mind and contented. It's good to be writing and posting again. Looking forward to the future!