Yesterday, I had a total brain fart day. First, when I got to work, I realized I had forgotten to bring my shoes. This is a big deal, because we aren't supposed to be on the floor without steel toes.

Theoretically, they could have sent me home, but its Christmas rush, and they need every warm body they can get, so I was told to be extra careful, but to keep on going.

Then, at lunch, I discovered I had also forgotten to pack my pills, so that was a pain as well, and obviously a sign I had let all the stuff going on get me off focus.

Well, I just got back from the Transgender Day of Remembrance, and it was very moving. So moving, in fact, that between the emotions it brought up, the stress of losing my best friend, the stress of my daughter's allergy attack on Friday, the stress of her mother's health problems, the stress of my job ....

I'm a little over-stressed, I think.

Kylie, my oldest and best friend and the reason you're able to read this, may be gone from my life, and no idea if she'll be back. It hurts as much as you can imagine, but I haven't been able to grieve - I had a busy shift at work, then had my first session with the weight loss group, and then got about 4 hours of sleep before I got a call from Samantha's mother saying she had taken Sam to the doctor for a severe allergy attack.

At some point, I'll stop and grieve and let the hurt out, but for now its .... bottled up.

I'm not sure this is a good thing or not.

If I needed more proof that I'm on the right path, the church that is holding the local Transgender Day of Remembrance called me to find out if I was going, and the lady also let me know that the church will have a trans paster in the new year ...

Sounds like a green light to me, don't you agree?

Well, last night, I made a birthday dinner for my mom, my brother, and my sister-in-law. It actually went well, they liked what I made, and it went about as good as I could hope for.

Much, much, much better night last night. Not only was I able to stock all the Christmas candies in the front pod, I was able to help out in the Health and Beauty section, which the girl working there really appreciated.

As for my concerns regarding the surgery, I have a cunning plan .... Not ready to share yet, but lets just say I'm seeing what my options my be, and what I can do to improve my odds of a good life post SRS. I'll give more details when I figure out a couple of things.

We had a major snowstorm here yesterday. Gonna make going to work interesting tonight ....

Read in the paper this morning that the RCMP (Canada's national police force) has made an "It gets better" video.

Well done, mounties.

Well done.

I got a letter from the government health department, and here is a quote:

There are people on this site who have been through (or are going through) more pain than I can even imagine.

Got to talking with a friend about SRS. and started crying happy tears. I'm a little emotional (okay, so I lied. I'm a LOT emotional), and I'm having trouble keeping it together.

Ah, well.

Well, I've had a busy day off. I went and did my month-end banking, got my daughter a bus pass for November, booked my car in for service tomorrow, started work on a new story and was contacted by the weight loss clinic and set up an appointment.

I was really happy about the last, because it means I can get started on a weight loss regimen right away, and I told them about the transition, and they seemed pretty cool with it, so that's good.

Another tiny step forward, I think.

My daughter noticed my breasts yesterday, calling them "grapefruit". On the other hand, she's still playing and giggling with me, so that's good.

Well, last night was a pretty good night at work. I felt like I accomplished a lot, and kept up to the pace expected of me.

Nice to have that after the nastiness of the last couple of days.

Went out for lunch with my mom, and got a chance to talk with the waitress, and she was telling me about being a tomboy for a long time, and then surprising her male friends when she decided to get girly for a group that had come back from Afghanistan.

Its kind of funny, how many really pretty girls prefer to be super tom-boys, at least for some time in their lives, while I would have given just about anything for the privilege of being prettied up for a dance or whatever.

Ah, well.

When I first went on the 'net, I joined a chat site called IMVU, and met some wonderful people there.

I've been having a lot of flashbacks lately, and its got me thinking about a story I wrote called "I am nine years old"

Here is a link, if you havent read it:

Well, I just got back from seeing my family doctor, and things are finally moving forward again. He'd been waiting for the results of my bloodwork, and with that now arrived, he faxed everything to the gender specialist, and I go on to the next step, trying to lose the weight.

He's sent information to a medically supervised program, and when they get back to me, I can really get going on it. Not going to be easy, because he wants me to lose around 50 pounds, but with determination and perseverance, I can make it.

Yesterday I talked about being in the company of another trans girl suffering with a lack of confidence in her looks, despite the fact she is really good looking, and last night, it was like God decided to drive the point home to me.

I sat with some other girls at work on our lunch break, and listened as one talked about her struggles with her appearance, and how even now as an adult she sometimes finds it an issue.

And this is a genetic girl and a rather pretty one at that telling this story.

There is an elephant in my room. A big, smelly elephant leaving droppings all over the place, but I dont want to see it.

Last night I had a dream, in which I was lost looking for a hospital downtown in a strange city. (I think I was supposed to be working there).

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, everyone.

With all the flashbacks and crap I've been fighting the last while, I havent had a lot of energy for writing. So it may be a while before I publish anything new, although I have the beginnings of a poem written ....

Thinking about the possibility of having another rectal exam got me very shaky today, to the point I was actually in tears.