Here is a new pic of me. I hope this works:

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash2/371255_10000223...

Last night as I drove to work, I listened to a marriage therapist talk about the different needs men and women have in a relationship. According to him, Men need to feel successful, women need to feel safe.

If that's true, then I really am a woman, because safety was the quality that was really missing in my marriage. I dont blame my wife, a lot of it was my fault - I was the one with the massive secret called "Dorothy", after all.

But regardless of fault or blame, the fact is that I never felt safe in my relationship with my wife.

Or with most other people, in fact.

Last night, I started to have a flashback, and I found a new way to ground myself. I started clicking the button on my safety knife (its the knife I use at work to open boxes). The sound of the clicks somehow kept me from spiraling out of control.

Interesting, no?

There are some trans people who somehow never doubt who they are, and can easily withstand any pressure to be anybody else.

But not me, I get moments of doubt.

When I was young, this doubt came partially out of fear - the fear that I had to be insane to have this feeling of femininity coming out of a body that was anything but female. So trying to disbelieve the feelings came a form of protection against that fear.

Well, for those who have been anxiously waiting, "Quest for the Silver Cleric Chapter 1" is up.

I hope you all enjoy this, my longest story ever.

Well, yesterday I came out to my daughter's teacher, basically to get her to watch out for any signs that Sam is getting bullied because of my transition. Coming out wasnt that big a deal - to either of us, based on her reaction, but I felt better for taking a step to help deal with the anxiety I was having over Sam. Hmmm. Actually DOING something proactive? Could be a good idea for other stuff too...

As I wander in the tunnel I dug for myself, and knowing that the light coming toward me is an oncoming train that I built, fueled, and sent toward me, I wonder if I am going to survive its impact. Somehow, no amount of bracing myself seems to be helping ...

I seem to have a high self-preservation instinct. Not only cant I kill myself, I cant even make myself go crazy properly....

Every day I pray I havent wasted my life, that somehow, something I've done will actually mean something in Eternity. If not, why be here at all?

They say confession is good for the soul, but bad for the reputation, so I might as well find out if they're right by making a confession of my own.

There are bits of my mind that scare the heck out of me.

Sometimes it feels like I may not be alone in my head, and somewhere in the boatload of darkness inside me there is something, or someone else.

And that something or someone isnt a nice critter in any way, shape or form.

An apology, to all who called me on my being a drama queen over the incident with my car. I just got off the phone with the insurance company, and it turns out I'm NOT going to have to have a year's worth of coverage up front. Once again, what looked to me like a mountain turns out to be a mole-hill, and boy is my face red over my over-reaction.

Hopefully, this is a lesson I can learn for the next time something happens - dont make more trouble than is actually there, and take it one breath at a time.

Thanks to everyone who puts up with me anyway.

Every morning, I get up, look at this body of mine, and wonder how I can possibly make being female work. I mean, put it in a suit and have it lose 50 pounds, and it would probably be called "handsome".

And yet here I am, trying to change that, and somehow make this body pass as a woman's.

Its dam hard, and sometimes, it feels like a hopeless task, so why do I bother?

I've never had enough discipline in my life to reach any goal I've set, so why do I think this will be any different than when I tried to become a nurse, or before that a teacher?

On a completely lighter note from my last couple of blogs, I have passed the three-year mark here a little while ago, and in celebration of that, I would like to thank all the wonderful people here.

First, Erin and her administrator elves, take a bow. I only wish I could do more than just say how amazing you guys all are.

Secondly, to all the members of "Team Dorothy" who put up with me. You guys rock!

Lastly, but not leastly, to all the people who have left comments on any of my stories, bless you all.

Well, today I have to deal with the insurance company, and to say I'm not looking forward to it is an understatement. This is like going to the principal's office as a kid, only a thousand times worse, because if I walk out of there without coverage I will lose my job, hurt my family, and generally make my life suck for the foreseeable future.

I'm scared, which always brings out the PTSD, so I'm having the shakes so bad its hard to even type.

Well, yesterday I made the first steps to getting myself out of the hole I've dug. My brother took me to the police station and I made my statement regarding the accident, and was given a ticket for distracted driving. My insurance company is closed for the holiday weekend (Its Victoria Day Monday), so the next step will be on Tuesday, and that one could be worse.

Sorry for the drama everyone. I'm okay, I'll be okay. Yeah, I probably made my life a thousand times more difficult, but somehow, I'll find a way through this. My feelings came out of exhaustion, hormones, and being an UN-medicated bipolar person with a life history that has produced a "failure tape" - a list of my mistakes that seems ready to play over and over again in my head at a moment's notice.

Last night while I was puttering around here I got a message that someone wanted to talk. Turned out it was a young woman who was feeling suicidal. Among other things, she was struggling with having been sexually abused at a very young age. She sounded quite serious about killing herself, saying she had a wire around her neck, and I desperately begged her not to do it. I used every argument I could think of, and got her to take off the wire. Eventually, she signed off to go to bed, so I can only hope she will seek some professional help. I hope I helped her.

Well, yesterday was a bit of a mixed day. First, the good - I was pain-free, and that's a very good thing. Second, the bad. I had a nasty little flashback at work, so bad I felt like I couldnt breathe properly, and I was stuttering. Fortunately it didnt last too long, so I didnt miss any of my work. Last, the I-dont-know-what-to-think - I had a bit of an argument with my ex last night, and in the process learned that she understands perfectly what I'm doing, and thinks I'm crazy, but she shows no signs of keeping Sam from me.

Make of this what you will.

Well, my weekend has been pretty full so far. First, on Saturday morning at work, I pulled my knee and spent the last hour or so basically doing my job on one leg. Its not hurting now, but its a reminder that one day, and probably sooner than I would like, I'll be either disabled or looking for another job, or both ....

Then Saturday evening I had the dinner for my mom and ex in celebration of Mother's day. Went okay, except having my mom use the male pronoun stung ....

well, today isnt a bad day so far, but I'm feeling a tad grumpy, and I'm not really sure why. Its not one of my black dog days, where I have to fight off feeling like a worthless failure. Its not even one of those days where I feel like a fake, that I will never be a "real" woman no matter what I do. Its just a blech day, and I guess those happen sometimes.

Ah, well.

I got one strange piece of advice from my councilor yesterday, and that was that I should flirt with people - not in a "I'd like to date you" kind of way, but be friendly and complimentary and social. I'm not entirely sure I know how to "flirt" causally as a male would, much less how a woman does it, so it could be interesting ...

I had a spiritual moment today on my way home from watching "The Avengers". All of a sudden, I felt .... connected to everything around me. That me being trans isnt a mistake or sin but exactly what I'm supposed to be at this moment. I cant do justice to it, but it was amazing, and comforting.

I'm pretty sure most of you have seen the image - the person faced with a choice with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, trying to decide which way to go.

Well, I have at least one devil on my shoulder, whose name is Worthlessness, and today he was very active, listing all my failures, ready to convince me I am only a source of grief to those who dare come close to me. It got to the point where I was seriously trying to figure out if ending my life would be a net gain for the people around me or not.

just came back from a regular maintenance for my car, and the lady complimented me on how well I've maintained the car since I bought it. As someone who struggles with feeling competent, it felt rather nice.

I'm not sure what's going on in my head at the moment. I feel so depressed I could curl up into a ball and so up I could practically float away, both at the same exact moment.

Ah, well.

As I have noted before, I've been amazingly blessed in this journey, and now I would like to turn that situation around, and be a blessing in return. So this is my prayer at the moment:

Dear Lord, make me a blessing. Use me to bring good to the lives around me. And make me into the kind of woman who is a good example of what You can do with a willing heart.

Amen.