very autobiographical

My family doctor lost my paperwork?

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I just got back from the gender specialist, and while everything else is go, they never received from my family doctor the results of my physical.

I

AM

NOT

HAPPY

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I see the gender doc tomorrow

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I see the gender doc tomorrow, and for some reason, I'm nervous. It will be the first time I see him since I got my exam, and since my family doc wants me to lose weight, I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Ah, well.

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Fighting back against my black mood

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Well, after I vented here, I decided that I wanted to start to figure out how I could break my mood, and I started with reading a very funny book while waiting for Sam to get off the bus.

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Anger

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Last night, my daughter couldn't find the little communication book she's supposed to bring home from school, but didnt admit it until we were picking up her mother. Her mother was upset, and I promised to check at my house, and I thought it was over with.

Then this morning, her mother called and started yelling at my mother for Sam not having the book, and then my mom started coming down on me for not being responsible and involved with my daughter, and I ended up getting angry myself, yelled at Sam's mother, and went back to bed.

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cute stuff from my daughter

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Well, I picked up my daughter today, and she was all excited about learning how to make a cake in her cooking class.

I said, "If only you were as pumped about learning multiplication"

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Writing a old story over

When I was a teen, I started thinking about writing stories, and had a couple of ideas that I fooled around with. Never really took them seriously, so they went away, came back, and went away again.

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What a difference a day makes?

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When I had applied to work at Wal-Mart, I had sent applications to all the locations in Edmonton and area, and it was the St. Albert location that called me, interviewed me, and hired me.

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Giving advice

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Well, last night I got to work a little early, and there was a teen girl who works as a cashier on the evening shift in the back on a break who decided completely out of the blue that I was just the right person to ask for advice about a boy at school.

I listened, and thought, and then gave her my advice:

Be yourself.

Be awesome, be real, be smart, be goofy, be nerdy, be super feminine or a tomboy when the mood strikes you.

Dont try and impress him.Try and impress yourself.

Dont be afraid to take the first move but be prepared that he could reject you.

Be okay with that.

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being able to take a compliment

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Got a couple of compliments last night at work on my pretty new earrings, and I didnt do what I used to do - deflect them, instead I just thanked the people making them.

Its nice to be complimented, but its even nicer to be able to take a compliment and not immediately think of reasons why it cant be true.

Another step forward, I think.

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Dreams of losing my daughter

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Well, last night I was very sick and called it in at work so I could stay home. Now I almost wish I had gone to work instead, because last night I had nasty nightmares of losing my daughter.

In both dreams, she ran ahead of me in circumstances where I couldnt immediately follow, and I was left running around unfamiliar places trying to find her, and failing.

I know its just dreams, but it really shook me up, and the further into this transition I go, the more likely it seems that they will come true in a way.

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Reconciliation - at least in fiction

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I just finished writing a story in which a slightly fictionalized version of me goes back to her hometown to re-connect with the people she left behind, and to lay ghosts to rest.

In the process, as I wrote a scene where she reconciled with her step-father, I felt a weight lift from me, as if I had managed to do the same in real life.

Maybe it was just fiction, but somehow, it felt like I actually accomplished something.

Make of that what you will.

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If you're struggling with me being a girl (Posted on FB)

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Just posted this on facebook where my sister-in-law follows my post:

If you are one of the people who are either conflicted or opposed to my transition, I'd like to tell you a few things.

First, Bless you.

You could have easily decided to just cut me out, have nothing more to do with me, but you're sticking around, and that's an amazing thing.

I'm going to assume you care, or you'd be gone, so let me try to explain the biggest thing about this transition.

I'm a better person for doing this.

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New Earrings

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Well, this Saturday I went to a pot-luck, and the host had a little gift for me - a new set of earrings. So now, instead of wearing studs, I'm wearing a pretty set of earrings that have a heart-shaped stone.

Looks and feels good, you know?

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Snap, Crackle and Pop?

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Snap, crackle and pop may be good sounds to hear in your breakfast cereal, but not so much when its your body making it.

Yesterday, I noticed that my left shoulder makes some ugly noises when I try and rotate the arm, and things only seemed to spread from there.

First it went to my neck, actually causing me pain when I tried to stretch at work, and then my knees started doing it too, almost blinding me with pain.

Thank God for painkillers, but I'd prefer to have not too many days like that if there is a better choice.

Ah, well.

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Made a good impression at work last night

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Well, last night we had a new manager (dont know it this is a permanent thing or temporary) and I managed to make a good impression with my speed, my flexibility,, and my willingness to jump in wherever needed.

Then this afternoon I overslept and had to really hurry to get to pick up Sam on time and not ONCE did I berate myself, which would be the norm before. Instead I just did my best, and she was there just before I got there and everything was fine.

I think I'm starting to get some traction, and its all due to liking the person I see in the mirror, both physically and otherwise.

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When the heck did I start looking so good?

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Went out for coffee with a friend yesterday, and caught sight of a pretty woman while outside looking in.

Then realized, the pretty woman was me.

I looked good.

When the heck did that happen? When did I start looking so good?

I've even noticed my walk is more feminine now, and its not like I spend a lot of time practising. It just ... happened.

I dont think I've ever been happier, and it wouldn't have happened without the amazing support I've recieved from "team Dorothy."

Thank you. Thanks and beyond thanks.

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Need advice

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I kinda need advice right now.

See, since all the recent flashbacks, I uncovered some new memories, and now I have this urge to tell them to someone, as a way of getting them out.

But I'm not sure about publishing them here, as many people have had enough of their own nightmares that they dont need mine as well.

Would you recommend publishing, or not?

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fingerless gloves

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Last night when I got to work, I noticed a dispenser beside the gumball machines with the logo "Trendy girl" on it, and since whatever it sold only cost a 2 dollar coin, I figured what the heck.

It was a pair of fishnet style fingerless gloves.

So before work, I decide to put them on, and I had a reaction I dont get very often.

I

Felt

Sexy.

My self-confidence rose, my tiredness lifted, and generally it was an amazing boost, which I really needed after spending dinner at my brother's place and have to listen to my family use male pronouns for me ....

Ah, well.

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one foot in front of the other

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Had a bit of a tough moment today, where all the stress of my mom's job, our potentially losing this place, and a realization that I might just possibly be attracted to men all hit me at the same time.

Fortunately, Tels was there to talk to me on the phone, and she recommended I get up off the couch where I had been huddling, stand up, and walk with one foot right in front of the other, tightrope style.

It helped.

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A strange breakfast

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I just got back from going out for breakfast with my mom, and it was a strange experience. Our server was not only a cheerful and talkative young lady, she seemed to want to touch me as often as she could - rubbing my back, my arm, and once actually sitting in the booth beside me.

I have no idea why.

Otherwise, it was an okay day, I got my blood work done, so that's one more step taken care of.

Each step, even a baby one, is a good one, I think.

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Being a gift from God

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During my last down period, several Christian friends remind me of the meaning of the name Dorothy - A gift from God. During dark times, its hard to see myself in that light, but every once in a while I get a little bit of a reminder that yes, I'm a gift, a special creation, loved and cherished in ways beyond my meagre understanding.

I dont know if I will ever know all the answers to the "why am I like this?' question, but I can trust that there is a reason, a purpose for me being the person I am, and that said purpose is a good one.

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getting stronger, just in time

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I feel like I'm slowly getting stronger again, and its a good thing. I might need the extra energy the next two weeks as I'm going to a new store to help get it set up. Being with strange people, wondering how well I'm passing, trying to work in an unfamiliar store - it could be very interesting ....

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A recovered memory

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Well, one thing has come out of the massive number of flashbacks I'd been dealing with the last couple of days - a recovered memory of some of what happened.

But now, the big question, what the heck do I do with this piece of information?

And where do I go from here?

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being very fragile

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For some reason, I'm on a "hair trigger" in terms of flashbacks at the moment, dropping into shaky moments at the drop of a hat, often without any trigger that I know about.
Pray for me, please.

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struggling with my faith

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If you are the praying type, I could use one right now. I'm doing okay except one tiny detail - I'm struggling with my faith in God. This little high-wire dance of being both Christian and transgender is taking a toll on me, and I really dont want to fall off ....

Ah, well.

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The Doctor's verdict

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I forgot to talk about my visit to the doctor's today. My old family doctor had retired, so I saw his replacement. I gave him the Cliff Notes on my situation, and he gave me a total physical. He had a nurse there for dealing with my fiddly bits (partially because I told him about being abused, I suspect, and partially to honour my preferred gender.)

The worst part was getting a rectal exam, which was as horrible an experience as you might expect for someone who has been raped like I was.

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Kingdom of the spiders

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The above is the name of an old movie, and it feels like I'm living it right now. My back yard had become basically one huge web except for the small area where we let the dog go out to pee. And any day now I expect that part to get covered too, and we'll have to fight spiders for my puppy ....

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feeling better, but computer is still down

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Well, I'm bouncing back from my depression, which is a good thing. Not all sunshine and roses, as my computer is really not working at all, and I'm stuck using the comp at my local library.

But that should change soon, as my friend is sending me a machine and hopefully, I'll be back up and running.

Hugs to all.

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fighting depression

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The last couple of days I've really been fighting depression, and I'm not sure why. Yes, my computer is frustrating me, and yes, I'm anxious about what my doctor will say about my chances at surgery, but this seems something beyond either. hope it lifts soon.

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my latest story

those who have read my latest Jaci and Dottie story may notice the appearance of a group of girls, some of whose names were taken from friends here. Its a little thank you for all the support you guys have given me. I hope you liked the story.

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back online (sort of) and big news!

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Well, I'm back online, sort of. My brother put together an old computer for me to use, so I'm at least able to access most of what I used to. Unfortunately, Google docs is the one site that isnt working for me, so it will be a while before I have a new story ready, but ah, well.

Now for the big news!

I got a call from the gender doc's office, to go in and sign some forms saying yes I do want SRS, and now I have to go to my family doctor and get a physical and make a letter for the docs in Montreal who would be doing the surgery if all goes well.

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fighting depression

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The worst thing about having depression is that it tends to sap your energy, making it harder to do the kind of things that would relieve it. Like right now all I want to do is curl up on my bed with my dog and cry and feel sorry for myself about my computer, even though that would probably be the worst thing I could do.

I'll keep fighting the good fight, but its times like these that make me wish more of "team Dorothy" lived close enough to come give me a real life hug.

Ah, well.

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My computer has died

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Well, I no longer have a computer. I tend to leave my computer in "sleep" mode because it has some problems with rebooting. Until last night, when a storm managed to knock the system for a loop, and nothing I've been able to do has brought it back. Sorry folks, but that means your not gonna hear from me much.

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Scared of my anger

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I was reading a story here, and when the main character remembered being raped, I was a little surprised at my reaction.

I got mad.

I mean really, really mad. Cold fury ready to hurt something, someone.

For just a moment, I was something dangerous before I managed to get it back under control.

I need a place to get rid of this anger safely, because I'm just a little scared of myself at the moment.

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A gain out of a loss

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I had a bit of a frustrating experience yesterday, but as a result I managed to make some progress in dealing with my tendency to have negative self-talk.

What happened was this: I got ready to go to work last night, and somehow managed to lose my keys just before I was set to go. A frantic search with my mom turned up nothing, leaving us both frustrated and upset, but finally there was nothing I could do but take my spare keys and head out.

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an apology

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Since I began this blog, I've stated that one of my goals is to be as honest as I can about my journey, and therefore when someone points out something I've said here that's not honest, I need to deal with it, and here goes.

For the last several years, I've referred to the mother of my child in this blog as my "ex", and that is not accurate.

Yes, we are separated, and yes, we will never be a couple again, but the fact remains that in the eyes of the law, I'm still married to her.

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Fashion

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My brother and sister in law came over last night, and she saw my nails and was less than impressed with them. Not that I wanted painted nails, but my color choice was not a wise one, according to her. She said most women learn colors and age-appropriate styles in or before high school, because, in her words "teen girls are the most vicious creatures on earth".

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Will I ever have SRS?

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I was talking to a friend the other day, and she told me I would need to lose a lot of weight before they would give me surgery - something in the order of more than a third of my body weight, which is probably beyond anything I can achieve.

If that's true, it would mean I will have to be able to endure without it, and honestly, I dont know if I'm strong enough ....

But I'll find the strength.

I'll have to.

But you'll pardon me if I hope I get the surgery instead.

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crushing

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I can still remember the first crush I had. It was in 6th grade, and I sent her love notes using the name "little Neutrino" until the day I brought in the Klattu album where that name was from, and found out she had been sharing the notes with other girls.

After that, I was a bit more careful about my crushes, making pretty sure they never knew how I felt about them. Which was good, because I tended to pick girls who where 1 - in serious relationships, 2 - straight, and therefore not likely to swing my way, and 3 - totally out of my league in any case.

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swimming with my daughter

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Well, today I took my daughter swimming, and it went really well. My female bathing suit didnt cause any problems for her, and she even found some kids to play with.

Feels like a big step forward.

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a funny moment at the bank

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Had a very funny moment at the bank today. Went in to get some cash out for my mom, and the teller starts asking me my address and phone number, and suddenly I realize she is seeing my male name come up on the card and I'm wearing a skirt. So I tell her I'm transitioning, give her the information she needs to verify I'm me, and I get my cash.

Makes me wish I could afford to do the name change, but ah, well.

At least I got a funny story out of it.

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having someone be "awed and amazed" by me

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My friend Kylie took a little quiz, and one of the questions (and her answer) was this:

7) Who do you look up to?

My friend Dorothy. I am awed and amazed at her life. Not that she understands why.

I'm awed and amazed that she's awed and amazed.

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