very autobiographical

My church made me cry today

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My church made me cry today. They said they were going to hand out a small present to all the WOMEN in attendance, and gave out carnations.

Guess who got one?

Me.

I wept.

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I am in loooooove .....

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I dont know when it started, but I found myself thinking about Kylie while I'm at work. I can picture her face, hear her voice, remember things we've said to each other, and its .... Oh lord, I am in loooooove ....

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2 steps forward

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2 big moments happened in the last couple of days. First, on Saturday night one of my co-workers asked if I wanted to go with a group from work to the new Star Trek movie when it comes out. This is a big deal, because its the first social event I've ever been invited to as Dorothy.

The other moment happened today. As part of prep for a possible move, I took the last of my male clothes to a local charity, and it felt like the last goodbye to Todd, which is about time, I think.

Both good steps forward, dont you think?

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being pre-op and horny

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I was reading Gwen's post about being horny post-op, and it seems like ironic timing. This afternoon I woke up rather ... randy myself, but unfortunately I dont have the right equipment to Jill off, and touching the stuff I got is like ... ick.

Ah, well.

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3/4 of the way through "She's not there"

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I'm about 3/4 of the way through "She's not there", and its a tough bit to read. I mean, the early stuff, the early struggle with identity, the fight against oneself, the hope that falling in love would cure oneself, finding a partner and building a life only to realize that it didnt take the urge to be a woman away; all this is stuff I can really relate to. But this is the part where she's just about to have the surgery, and from here on, its going to be territory with which I have no link to, and might never know. But I'll grit my teeth and get through it.

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not gonna be my best day today

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Today is not going to be a good day for me. I have an endocrinology appointment at 11 so I'm going to get next to no sleep, I forgot about the blood test I was supposed to have done before the appointment and need the results asap, and generally, I feel like a dope for forgetting about this.

Ah, well.

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"How should one address a Dorothy?"

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Had an interesting conversation with my store's HR person last night, and she mentioned that when it was announced I was coming to the store, a few people came to her unsure how to address me as my trans status was known to them. She said "Well, her name is Dorothy. How would you address someone named Dorothy?"

The person said they should use female pronouns.

The HR lady said, "then do that for this Dorothy. If there's a problem, I'm sure she'll say something."

Gee, when you put it like that, it sounds so easy ....

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return of face pain

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well, my cluster headaches have returned. See, just before I started transitioning, I started getting these mysterious pains in my face, centered on just below my right eye. Eventually they found out that they were "cluster headaches", sort of like migraines but different spot, and that they were stress-related.

They went away when I started my transition, probably because I took a serious part of my stress off my plate by living authentically, but I guess it was too much to hope for that they wouldn't ever come back.

Ah, well

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being scared of success

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As my life seems to be heading in a positive direction, I face a strange fear - a fear of success. I think its basically, that any situation you're in, if you're in it long enough, starts to feel like "home", and leaving "home" becomes scary, even if "home" is something horrible. So the idea of actually being a successful adult is kinda scary for me.

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My boss thinks I could be promoted someday?

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well, last night, I was being left in charge of "zoning", which basically means making sure the shelves are clean, neat, and that the product is as close to the lip as possible. While this was going on, my supervisor told me that the reason why she was pushing me hard on getting it perfect was because she believes I have the potential to move up into a supervisor's role, should I wish to make that a goal. So I told her my long term plan would include me doing a less physical job, and she said she would talk to people and see about getting the ball rolling for me toward that end.

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been thinking about my brother

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Been thinking about my brother a lot the last couple of days. Because I'm the kind of person I am, I can put myself in his shoes a bit, and I dont look good from that angle. I mean, he pretty much had to take over for my father and look after me at an impossibly young age, he did his best by me, and then after I got married and he probably hoped things were on their way up, I went and failed to pay my mortgage, leaving him hurt and having to clean up my mess.

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Because it needs to be said

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Because it needs to be said:

To all the people who take the time to read this little blog, and especially those who take the time to comment, thank you.

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a news story hit me hard

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I happened to catch on the radio the story of Rehtaeh Parsons, a young woman in Nova Scotia who was raped and had pictures of her rape shown around her school, and how she has committed suicide.

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a good meeting with my pastor

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Had a nice meeting with my pastor yesterday. After talking for about an hour, she said she wanted me to hang onto 3 things:

First, surviving what I went through as a child shows that I'm strong,

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I make my girlfriend blush

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I was talking with Kylie today, and she mentioned that she talks about me with just about everyone she knows - her therapist, her floor monitor, her friends - and when she does, she blushes. I find this idea, that the thought of me making someone blush to be hard to wrap my head around. But there you have it. Neat, no?

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I dont handle stress well

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It probably doesnt come as a shock to anybody who reads this blog that I dont handle stress terribly well. Most of the time, between having gender issues, PTSD, and bunch of other letters that basically mean I'm broken, my plate is full, andthey are as much as I can handle.

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I wish I was a better writer

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Sometimes, I wish I was a better writer. I have good ideas, but not as good at getting them out. For example, I made a series of stories about an organization called "Vision Spring", that appears to the outside world to be a charity that helps Gay, lesbian and trans people, but is in fact a group of people who have magical control over one of the traditional elements - Earth, Water, Fire, Nature, Light, Darkness, and the Air.

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Its becoming harder to have male parts

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It seems like the more comfortable with myself as a girl I become, the harder it is to have male bits. Last night my parts moved a bit, and I had to fight back tears, and I also had to fight off the urge to take my box-cutter knife to them ....

Ah, well.

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say what now?

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Well, last night, my supervisor came by and told me she wanted me to motivate my fellow workers in finishing as fast as possible. I giggled, but she said she was serious, she wanted me to do this. I asked her, "Why me?"

She said, "Because I like you."

Well, what the heck could I say to that?

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Tell Jaci I'm NOT a girly girl!

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Well, last night, Jaci was talking to me, and she was trying out her "manly man" voice (and totally failing to sound at all like a guy, she sounds like a girl with a cold), when I started to .... chuckle. A little.

She jumps on it, and says I giggle like a school girl, which is totally NOT true, I laugh like a guy, I know I do ....

Isnt it great to have a friend who will tease you until you cant help but laugh?

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You can thank Tels I'm still here

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Well, you guys can thank Jaci (AKA Tels) that I'm still here. I woke this morning feeling completely numb. Nothing mattered, nothing had any meaning of any kind. As I went through my morning routine like a zombie, I came to the conclusion I had to quit being Dorothy, since I had lost my family and my daughter didnt want to be seen in public with me. I dont know how long this would have lasted before I would have done something drastic, but fortunately, Jaci was online, and agreed to phone me.

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I'm giving up on reaching my brother and sister-in-law

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Well, last night, we had Easter dinner with the family, and my sister-in-law said some interesting things. First, she basically put aside the work I've been doing trying to recover the memories of my rape and its association to my gender issues, saying such memories have been added to and subtracted from over the years to the point they are not reliable.

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My church liked my poetry so much, they published a link

Hey, everybody! My church liked my poem so much, they published a link to it. Its on the Affirm! McDougall page on facebook. It would be awesome if some of my friends would go and like their page ...

here is a link:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Affirm-McDougall-Edmonton/276...

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Saw "The Host" today

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Just got back from watching the movie "The Host". Its an awesome movie, I can really recommend it. Most days, I dont feel like I'm like Melanie the human female, nor like Jared, her love, but like Wanderer, a stranger in a strange land, wondering if there is any place she can really belong ....

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not a good night last night

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well, not a good night last night. Any night that ends with me being carted off on a stretcher has to be considered a pretty bad one, and that was the case last night. I popped my shoulder out, and they ended up taking me to the hospital to get it looked at. I got off lucky, no serious damage, but I'm off work tonight, and on modified duties for a while thereafter.

On the other hand, one of my supervisors, upon hearing a bit of my life story, described me as being tremendously together, considering my past. So there is that, I suppose .....

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sailing to Girlland

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many of you may not be old enough to remember a TV mini-series called "Shogun". The series was interesting for one reason - when the main character finds himself marooned in Japan before Japan had much if any contact with the west, they showed the first couple of episodes without translation - no subtitles, no voice dubs, the Japanese spoke Japanese, and the audience was to be drawn into the main character's confusion.

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Impressing my pastor

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Well, after church today, I was invited out for coffee with the pastor and a couple of the members of the church, and I got a chance to show them my poetry, and read to them "Dear God", and "A Psalm of Dorothy"

They were blown away.

A couple of them actually teared up.

They asked, begged, for me to send them links so they can have permanent copies, and to pass them on to some places they think would be interested in them.

Pretty neat, yes?

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what a difference a night makes?

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what a difference a night makes. the night before last I had missed a couple of things while working, and felt awful. Last night my supervisor complimented me on my work.

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being scared

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I finally had to admit to myself I'm scared to go further in my transition. I was talking to Jaci, and I actually started crying when all this anxiety and fear of surgery came bubbling out of me, and even changing my name legally scares me. Be that as it may, since its not likely that the Blue Fairy isnt likely to come visit me and turn my bits into their female equalivants, I have only the two choices - go forward, or live with what I got. And I honestly dont know if I'm capable of option two ..

Ah, well.

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Upset over Steubenville

Just heard the verdict in the Steubenville rape case. As I feared, a slap on the wrist for the popular football players, and no justice for the victim. Trying really hard not to let myself get lost in anger ....

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need advice? Ask Dottie ...

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I must have "free advice-giver" written on me somewhere. Last night a co-worker who I've just started to get to know decided to unload about her long-distance relationship. Reminds me of high school when I had several girls who regularly filled me in how awful their boyfriends treated them ....

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bad day for flashbacks

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Had a bad day for flashbacks last night. I think that if I had known what horrors were locked in my head behind the door marked "Dorothy", I would have never been brave enough to open it up. I've gained the girl I was before my rape, but the memories of what happened to me are almost more than I can bear ....

But thanks to my wonderful friends, I live to fight another day

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TG PMS

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just finished the latest chapter of "Jem" which featured "TG PMS" - basically its when a trans girl like me starts feeling like a fake. It happens to me sometimes, and on bad days I wonder if I will ever be whole .....

Ah, well. I'm pretty blessed in this journey so far. The rejection and hatred I expected did not happen, and even those people who think this is a mistake have assured me that they love me anyway.

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scary moment last night.

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Had a very scary moment last night. I had gone to pick up Sharon, and drove her to her 2nd job cleaning a doctor's office. I was still kinda hurting and tired from my ER adventures, so I stayed in the car and figured I'd have a short nap.

Unfortunately, as soon as I fell asleep, I was partially woken up by something shaking me. Then I realized it was me shaking me - my muscles were doing this spaz thing like I was being shocked, and I couldnt seem to wake up enough to make it stop.

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just got home from the hosptital

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I just got back from getting checked out at my local hospital. I had a lot of pain in my stomach , and so decided to get it looked at. Just some bruising from work, so that was a relief, but I got really tired of being called by my male name when my preferred name is listed on my chart ....

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I can only be me

Having to take a day off from work because I felt like I had strained my stomach muscles gave me a lot more time to read today, and looking at some of the fantastic work that's been produced here I can only reach a couple of conclusions.

One is that Erin and her elves have created the most amazing place I can imagine, and we who get to enjoy their work should remember to be grateful, and show that gratitude however we can - contributing to the hat box, or even just making sure we dont make things harder for them with our blogs, stories, and comments.

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zombie killer girl at work

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Had an interesting conversation with a girl at work. She described with great gusto her love for zombie-killing, and of course I immediately thought of my little story (which you can find here:)

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