I used to keep a secret, and yesterday I kept a secret.

They were sort of the same secret - That I'm transgender, but how I feel about it is totally different.

Well, last night I tweaked my knee at work. Hurt like a bear and had to call for help as I could barely stand.

If anybody happens to care, I just wanted to post an update on the writing of "Jake goes for help",

Well, I got a message from Jade telling me Kylie is alive, in her words "no thanks to you." I dont care. She can blame me for not picking up on the clues if she wants to. Kylie is alive. That's what matters.

Well, its possible that something good has come out of what I've been posting about my friend Kylie. A friend got a hold of me, and confessed to having struggled with suicidal thoughts over last weekend, and we talked for a long time, and I told her to go to the hospital even if the feeling had passed. She said she would, and thanked me for being there.

Does that balance the scales of my failure with Kylie? No. But if she follows through, I'll feel a little better about it.

Went to my 2nd all day group session at the Grey Nuns Hospital today, and it was really good. One of the more interesting things was an exercise in grounding where we each took a piece fabric and focused on it, looking at the color, any patterns, how it felt to touch it, even what it smelled like.

It was a very interesting exercise, and I might use it in the future when I'm having a flashback....

Well, I feel like a dope.

My friend Kylie got a hold of me tonight, and asked me if I wanted a laptop. When I tried to talk about how much I missed her, she just said "Dont get too attached."

Been doing a lot of thinking on the subject of my attraction to men, but I'm not sure I've made a lot of progress except coming up with 3 ideas:

Well, its the last day of 2012, and its kinda traditional to take a moment and look back at the year that was. And since I rather like that tradition, here goes.

Well, I filled out the paperwork to transfer to a closer store today. We'll have to wait and see if its approved.

Well, last night, we had our Christmas dinner, and it was wonderful. There was a moment, when my daughter was on one side of me, my mom on the other, my brother and sister behind, and the dog in front, and I realized just how blessed I am, that here I was, literally surrounded by love, even in the midst of my transition which gives my family fits.

Once upon a time, I created a character named Fluke and described her as "the luckiest woman alive" but I think that title really belongs to me instead.

Well, I had to spend my Christmas money on buying a new battery for my car. Ah well, had to be done.

Well, I just got home from seeing the psychologist about doing the day program in the new year, and it went well. For now, the plan is that I would join the groups on my days off, and we'll go from there.

Baby steps, baby steps ....

Had a nice conversation at work last night. Was talking to a woman who knows a bit of my history and mentioned struggling with finding guys attractive, and gave as an example one of the receivers at work who passed me the day before in a tight white t shirt and me doing a double take, and then freaking out about it.

She giggled, and said a guy dressed like that is asking to be looked at, and that got me giggling, and I felt much better about the whole thing.

I'm watching "A Muppet Christmas Carol", and its as good now as it ever was.

I know my latest story is dark, and probably not everybody's cup of tea. Frankly, its really hard to write too, so I'll be trying to wrap it up as fast as I can.

Well, my car wouldnt start last night, and I probably didnt handle it well. I got a ride home from a friend, being unable to find the number for my road-side service company, and afraid that a tow truck would take forever in this kind of weather.

I focused on going home, figuring my best chance of thinking straight would be after getting a nights sleep, but I should have realized my mom would panic and wake me up and freak out when she realized the car wasnt home.

I just came home from seeing the gender doc, and while it was a good visit, I'm awfully shaky, as I spent most of the visit talking about my rape. That was because I was trying to find out what resources might be available for me outside of the rape crisis center, and as it happens, there is some.

The program they're recommending for me is called "Partial hospitalization", but its less scary than it sounds - its a group therapy session that takes a couple of hours during the day and works with a variety of problems.

I miss my friend Kylie. Its funny, I go stretches where I'm okay, and then something happens to remind me of her, and its like I think "I'd love to talk to her about this" and then I remember she's not in my life anymore, and I grieve all over again.

Ah, well.

I've been working on what the weight loss place gave me for "homework", and in a week, I have already lost some weight. Hard to tell exactly how much on my home scale, but its a lot closer to 270 lbs than to 280 lbs, which is what I was a week ago.

I can do this, I can do this ....

I'm no Cyclist, and the story I'm writing isnt likely to be as good as "Sweat and Tears", but .... well ... you'll guys see when its finished.

I dreamt of a man last night.

It wasnt a sexual dream, but he was standing in front of me, and I found myself realizing he had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen.

Stopped at a McDonalds for a coffee on my way home this morning, and the woman at the till greeted me with "Good morning, beautiful."

Can you guess how happy that made me?

Just a quick note to wish all my American friends here a happy Thanksgiving.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for my mother,and her acceptance of me as Dorothy