The above is based on an old song by a group called Garbage, and its about my general attitude in life. I was mentioning the other day to a friend about how ... easy my transition is going, and she said "What? Did you want it to be harder?"

Then in a conversation with my mom, I mentioned about passing, and she said, "maybe you want more attention, and are sorry people arent noticing you, even if that meant they were mean."

Well, I took my bottles in for the refund, and as I often do, I use that as "mad money" to do something nice for myself. Today, I made enough to go get a mani-pedi done, and it was a wonderful experience. Instead of the place in the mall I had tried before, I went to a little place in a strip-mall, and they treated me like a princess from start to finish, including the girl telling me that she almost missed me because she was looking for someone transitioning, and I obviously was a regular girl. (Okay, so it was probably for the tip, but what the heck.)

took my daughter to the fair today, and she had an awesome time. She tried some rides, played some games, got a couple of goofy prizes, and ate really bad-for-you food. It was awesome for her, but I got a little extra gift for me - a caricature of me as a girl fairy.

Its an awesome pic, and if I ever can, I take a photo of it and upload it so you all can see.

Its moments like this that remind me just how blessed I am.

Well, last night was a rough one for me. It started with an uncomfortable feeling in my genital area, which by lunch had progressed to actual pain.

The pain of course caused me a lot of psychological distress to the point that I was hyperventilating, but thank God one of my co-workers seemed to understand why this was so much WORSE for me than for a non trans guy - every painful feeling was a reminder of the part of me I would give anything not to possess at all, and I actually had to repress an urge to take the box-cutting knife I carry and perform some impromptu surgery with it.

When I heard the awful news about a shooting at a midnight premier of "The Dark Knight Rises", I was filled with grief for the victims. Then I found out it had taken place in Aurora, a town I know well, because I lived there for a year. Somehow that made it worse, and I wept openly as the news trickled in about the horrible day.

My prayers are for the victims, their families, and the first responders who managed to bring the shooter in alive to face trial.

Now dont mind me, I think I still have a few tears left to shed.

Well, my vacation is over, and tonight I go back to work. It will probably be a tough week as we will no doubt be short staffed from vacations, and I wont be used to that level of exercise, but I'll just have to do my best and get back in work shape as fast as I can.

well, I spent yesterday with my daughter, taking her to see the new "Ice Age" movie, and then we spent some time playing badminton together. All in all, very nice day, but it had a couple of stressful moments. The biggest came when Sam suggested we do a picnic with her and the two boys who are the children of my ex's best friend. It was only after she made the suggestion that she realized my trans status might cause a difficulty for them, and so withdrew the suggestion.

Well, over the last two days I've had two very different conversations with two very different men, and I thought I would share them with you.

First, I had a conversation with one of my neighbors, that started with him asking me how I was doing, and when I said I was hanging in there, he said "not for much longer, right?"

Turns out he was talking about my SRS.

So we had a laugh, and a good conversation on the whole subject and I felt very relieved, because I didnt know how he'd react.

Well, today I two moments that felt like feminine milestones, but I reacted quite differently to each of them. First, when I was eating supper, I brushed my arm against my breasts and suddenly felt all sorts of confusing feelings as my body reacted to the contact. I liked it, I was scared of it, and it took my friend Jaci several minutes of talking to me on the phone to restore some semblance of balance.

My mom found out last night that our little group of rental houses (condos?, not sure, they are connected one to the other, is that a condo?) are going to be sold off. Nobody know for sure what that means, but its possible they want to turn these from rental properties to ownership ones, in which case we wouldnt be able to stay here. My poor mom is panicking, and between that and the big storm we had last night that hailed out her flowers, she's having a rough day.

Well, I had my last session at the rape center. We reminisced about the first time I went to her office in female clothes, and how far I've come since then. She also told me to try not to worry about times like I had the other day, its actually a good sign that I was able to get some of that stuff out of me, but maybe I should switch to adult mode when they happen to access the skills I've learned in my sessions.

One day at a time, that's all I can do, right?

I went to Wal-Mart today in my nice new blouse and skirt, and got to chatting with the people on either side of the line up at the pharmacy counter. Then I strolled through a farmer's market, and then stopped on my way home to get a glass of lemonade from a kid's stand. At no point did anyone seem to give me so much as a double take, which once upon a time I would have said was simply impossible for me - there was simply no way I could pass.

Funny how wrong a person can be, isnt it?

Well, I just came back from my 2nd opinion. They called me in just as I was leaving to see the endo doc. He's recommending me for the SRS. So now I just wait until December when I see my regular gender specialist, and he will put me on the waiting list.

I think I'm in shock, it doesnt seem real yet...

I'm so happy I'm crying

I had a nasty flashback/nightmare today (I sleep days, because I work nights).

It was so bad I actually threw myself off my bed and woke up on the floor.

I'm so dam tired of this ....

Well, tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll be an ancient 46 years old. I missed being a Canada day baby by a couple of hours, apparently, but ah, well.

I doubt very much that when my mom carried home this tiny baby boy she ever dreamed that 45 years later she'd be shoe shopping for Mary Jane flats with him ...

Her acceptance of me is one of the blessings in my life, but I have a lot of those, and I'm trying to remember to be more grateful for them. You never know when one of them may go away, after all.

Happy Canada Day, everyone.

Well, the creative crash I expected to hit after I finished my novella "Quest" finally hit, and after a couple or month of unbelievable output my muse has decided to take a break. Look up your daughters and wives, cause when she goes on the town, she usually ends up doing something I wish she wouldnt ...

Ah, well.

think I've reached a point in my journey where I feel confident enough to try out different looks to see what one suits me best. For example, I've been wearing a very subtle plum shade of nail color, and today I decided to try a bold red instead. I'm also looking at hairstyles, to see what I can do with that as well, although I still have a bit of thinness at the front that I would like to cover over as much as it can be.

I think a good step forward for me, and kinda fun besides.

The worst part of not being in a relationship right now? Not having someone to hold me while I shake during a PTSD moment.

They're scary sometimes, and hurt all the time, and I ache afterward, but the worst part is going through them alone, when all you want is someone to put their arms around you so you can feel safe.

I love my online friends, and I'm super grateful for their support, and I've been pretty lucky at finding someone to talk to when things have been bad, but I ache sometimes for a pair of actual arms around me, holding me and supporting me.

Ah, well.

As strange as it may sound, I'm rather hoping that the doctor who will do my 2nd opinion does more than just rubber-stamp me onto the SRS waiting list.

I hope he takes the time and effort to make sure of me, because sometimes I'm less than sure myself, and having a medical person confirm my status would help me deal with those anxieties.

But, only time will tell - 3 weeks and 4 days, to be exact.

I went to the YMCA this morning, and I had a wonderful time. I got shown around, given a free pass for the day, and got info on how I might be able to get a membership at a discount or even free if I qualify based on my income. Then I used the pass and went into the pool and swam for an hour, just enjoying the ability to go out as a woman without any mistreatment.

So that was good, but now for some reason I'm really shaky. Dont know if its depression, or flashbacks, or what, but I'm really struggling to hold on to my happy

Ah, well.

To err is human, to really foul up requires a human with access to a computer!

Well, every once in a while when writing a story, I write myself into a corner, and dont know how to get out. The last "Understanding Rachel" is a good example. I wanted to show why Rachel needs Tanya as much as Tanya needs Rachel, but in the process I didnt leave Tels a lot to work with in terms of saving them both. So she decided to lob the ball back into my court instead of the smash I was expecting, and now I'm running toward the net trying to save the point. Now its up to me to see if I can salvage this storyline, if its possible, and if anybody still cares about it.

Ah, well.

Well, on Mother's day I talked a bit about how that day and Father's day can suck for people who dont fit the gender stereotype, but today, with Father's day being tomorrow, I wanted to talk a little about some of the challenges I have being one.

First, you have to understand that I was totally not prepared for parenthood, to but it mildly. This was not just because of my gender issues, or my overall mental health, both of which have played a part in my struggle to be a good parent, but because I had no role model in my own life to draw on in terms of what a good dad looked like.

I'm conflicted about what to do with my Quest story, now that we managed to make it available on Kindle. Part of me wants to encourage all of you to buy it, and use what has been posted as a teaser to hopefully help, but I have really enjoyed the feedback I've been getting on each chapter here, and would miss it if the rest of the story wasn't posted here.

Suggestions?