Why do I still struggle with my identity? Well, there are a few reasons why. First, because there is nothing feminine in my body - no intersex condition, no lack of testosterone, none of that, which keeps me wondering where does this fem thing come from?
Second, because of my rape and other nasty events in my life, I would be a good candidate for gender issues if environment plays any role at all, so the question becomes, "Would I feel the same if I had been blessed with some positive male role models?"
Thirdly, you people probably can understand how SCARED I was growing up of having these fem feelings, how guilty I felt, how hard I tried to get rid of them. I've finally broken through enough to begin a transition, but the habit of pushing down those feelings as crazy or sinful remains, and it trips me up sometimes.
Ah, well. One day at a time.
Comments
Putting our past behind us.
Now everyone here that knows me will attest to the fact that from about 2004 until 2008 I was the most self focused, whiny, annoying woman on the planet. Yet by some miracle, over the years the trauma has faded into the past. I was raped and abused as a young person, but somehow, I think by my faith, I don't even think of it any more. It is my prayer that the horrors of your past will eventually become manageable.
Let's see here...
First, while you may not be able to see it, your mind (and possibly your soul) is female. This is the most IMPORTANT part of who you are. If your brain was transplanted, you would still be the same perason, I believe.
Second, you need to let that bad stuff move in to a tertiary position in your life. YOU are the one in charge of your life. Yes, the bad stuff will probably always have an influence, but you can reduce that influence. You may need help, but it is available. I know it may seem pretty useless, but I do pray for you and yours.
Third, absolutely, I can completely relate, but remember, it isn't a sin, and crazy is a relative term. I have relatives, and I'm crazy...
Don't let anyone (even me!) have a negative influence in your life! Humans have a special ability. It's like faith healing, if you believe it, your body can do amazing things. It sounds silly, but I have used the "fearless" chant from Dune during stressful (sometimes life threatening) situations in my own life.
It does work! You know the old "Fear is a mind killer" thing. See yourself as being happy, both now and in the future. For goodness' sake, hon, you are ACTUALLY on the path to be yourself! It's happening! Don't let fear even come into your mind. Stay strong, you will be a wonderful woman!
Wren
A different point of view - maybe...
Perhaps this isn't worth reading... It may not be encouraging. It reflects my personal beliefs based on personal experience and a LOT of reading...
First, who we are (our minds) is not directly related to the "shell" (our bodies) - except that one contains the other. There is evidence that our brains develop in the first trimester, while our genitalia and effectively our bodies develop in the second. Therefore, it IS possible to have a brain that is measurably female, while having a body that is measurably male. Then things start to get a little murkier. There appears to be genetic markers relating to trans... (Someone without the markers is far less likely to be trans than someone with them, but someone with them is not guaranteed to be trans.) My understanding is that this is like many other conditions. We may have a genetic predilection to having a condition but not develop it without some OTHER triggering factor. Ever notice that some folks seem to NEVER get depressed, no matter how much stress they're under, while others become depressed with a much lower stress threshold (almost, in some cases as if it happens when someone looks cross-eyed at them). My daughter's Psychiatrist said this is due to those genetic factors plus environmental triggers.
We are who we are. Part is innate, part seems learned. Have you noticed that some people from very bad neighborhoods turn out to be wonderful and loving while others don't? And, how some people who are brought up with advantage can still be loving and caring while others seem to not care in the least about others... Another example - have you known maternal twins... Sometimes they are very similar, but not always. And, even if they have virtually the same life experience/environment they can have very different personalities? I have. I've also known a few people from vastly different backgrounds the turn out to be VERY similar in many ways. This all combines to tell me that neither nature nor nurture are the sole contributing factors.
I've seen outstanding examples of male or female - young adults. Both of which may have grown up without positive role models (think back to those environments I mentioned... A great leader - who grew up in the gheto... etc.).
Another factor is understanding that it IS possible to have a discrepancy between the "who you are" in the brain vs. "who you are" in your body. I was brought up to believe that there were guys and there were girls... And those few strange people like Christine Jorgenson and Renee Richards were just that strange. In fact, there were people around me that claimed that Renee transitioned because she couldn't hack it on the male tennis circuit. *sighs* So, yes, I hid and also believed I was a bit crazy... for quite a long time...
I had very positive male role models - in my dad, my uncles, my grand fathers, etc... I lived in a loving environment. So, in my case your suggestion that lack of positive role models doesn't work.
On the other hand, LACK of such role models and experiencing abuse? Not something I experienced so this is pure speculation... COULD that induce a person who was aware of the possibility of trans to believe they were - without the medical condition? Maybe. I honestly don't know. The mind (& subconscious) is a powerful thing. I can see a mind "deciding" that this would "protect" it from future problems... But, I dunno. If you're concerned that this might be a contributing issue for you, it's something you really should spend a LOT of time working through with your therapist. You need to come to understand where such thoughts come from... Do they come from being depressed? Do they come from lack of confidence in who you are? Do they come from feelings of inadequacy? So many possibilities. My personal opinion (and it's just that and in no way represents a suggestion for anyone else!!!!!) is that if we question who we are, or FEAR our transition, we shouldn't be transitioning "yet"... Why? One part is that it could be our subconscious telling us - just what you're asking - that maybe we aren't trans and/or don't need to transition. Or, it could be a rational fear that we can't pass and will hurt worse if we try, or any number of other issues. But, I feel if we have such issues, we need to resolve them before transition, if possible, in order that they not get in the way of our transition (It'd suck to sabotage ourselves).
To your first point... The international intersex association (I can't recall their acronym right now) considers transsexuality an intersex condition...) based on the brain/body development discussion above. From the way your worded your first point, though, you seem to be letting yourself fall into the trap (that's apparent in a significant body of fiction here on BCTS and elsewhere) that being intersex or having ambiguous genitalia etc. is somehow "superior" or "more acceptable" than not. (Some of my favorite stories here use "intersex" to get their characters out of trouble and explain away why they transition.) Are there people with non-TS intersex conditions that are happy with their assigned gender? I believe that many if not most probably do... But, either way, my belief is that more obvious intersex conditions are not inherently superior to someone without them.
And, again, it's worth taking time to think about when you feel least adequate... Are they when you're feeling lowest? Could it be when you're hormone levels drop? I know, for me, I'm more likely to feel dark thoughts or be convinced that something will go wrong, occurs in the days leading up to my next shot. (My hormones are injected - every two weeks.)
Good luck in working through your issues.
Annette
it-stuff
Although my life took another path you aren't alone in struggling with you identity albeit for different reasons.
>sends a boatload of hughs< tc Dorothee
Lynne
Hey Dottie,
I'm really sorry that the bad aspects of your past still bother you. Maybe you could talk to Drea in detail about what kind of therapy has helped her; she talks about feeling less upset about her childhood abuse.
I think you have problems accepting your identity as a womyn because your subconscious retains how you learned, like beaten into you, that any fem feelings and actions could get you punished, attacked, etc. You were just learning to survive as well as possible, like learning not to play with grizzly bear cubs if you were out in the wild all the time.
I think you would feel much better about yourself, less doubting and fearful, if you had a nice loving father; little girls need that! From what I've read, having a female brain starts early in the pregnancy. At the right time, too much estrogens makes the nervous system fem, not guy like. I strongly suspect my mom was taking DES, thought to prevent miscarriage, at that time. Several of my Tgal friends say they know their moms took DES because their older sisters remember it. Environment outside your body seems to have no effect on TSism after you're born.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
It almost seems like some of us???
...were DES-tined to be girls, aye?
Diethystibestrol - Somewhere between one-quarter and one-third of members of the 'DES Sons' network since 1999 have indicated that gender dysphoria, transsexual outcomes...
http://www.antijen.org/transadvocate/id33.html
My mom took it; it was not uncommon for doctors to administer it in the late 40's and early 50's; sort of gives me an idea where 'I' came from. My therapist and I continued to deal with PTSD issues and symptoms through EMDR and related treatments.
http://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr.html
Love, Andrea Lena
Baggage
It is a common misconception that transsexualism
stands by itself. Instead it comes with a great amount of
baggage the most common is obsessive compulsive disorder
in some cases it is severe enough to interfer with our
Ability to function
Knowing most tses have this allows us to cope with if not overcome
We have to realise we are obsessing and do what we do to break
The cycle
Dayna
Possibly true, but what about cause and effect?
I know I catch myself slipping into lies every so often when I know I shouldn't, because when I was young it was literally beaten into me that lying (about my gender, my toy preferences, what I was thinking about clothes, etc) was preferable to the truth. I know I have elements of OCD because sometimes when younger I believed my life was at stake if anyone found various personal effects (not clothes, to young to get those myself, but things like stories I'd written, hair-ties found on the side of the road, etc), and so got in the habit of compulsively checking things to avoid beatings - and now I found myself double-checking the doors are looked before leaving, that sort of thing, even though I know I checked them ten seconds ago.
As a result I suspect from my own experiences (which are obviously biased!) that in most TG people the OCD elements are learned rather than innate, as a survival mechanism in the face of disapproval if not hostility.
Your post is very timely...
...because, for what it's worth, I'm going through the same thing. And I think it's an extremely common, and understandable, feeling.
I'm continually asking myself, "How do I know I really, deep down have a female identity, and am not just deluding myself?" And I've yet to come up with a satisfactory answer. It's been the source of a great deal of depression lately (eight months worth!), since I can't help but think, "If I'm male inside, then I'm obligated to de-transition, because there's no logical reason for a genetic male who identifies as a male to live full-time as a woman." Yet the "cross-dresser" label doesn't quite apply to me either. It's not meant as a putdown--I've known some wonderful cross-dressers over the years, but always felt there was some indefinable difference between them and me.
I suppose it would be easier if I had some clear-cut proof. When I came out to my mother, she had a hard time believing me (to the day she died, she was skeptical) because I had never openly expressed any cross-gender behavior. Nor did I say, at the age of three or four or so, that I was a girl. (The idea of "girl brain, boy body" never occurred to me in childhood--I simply "weak," I thought.)
I was, in my mother's eyes, a typical boy, interested in typical male things. Though she never specified just what those things were.
I remember wanting dolls as a child and being afraid to say so, but I don't know how authentic that memory is.
But then this is about YOU, not me--the only thing I can do, hon, is ask you, in what way do you feel most comfortable? When presenting as a woman, or as a man? If you're on hormones, does the thought of having them taken away for some reason--and the re-masculinizing that will occur as a result--fill you with dread? If you've transitioned already, imagine waking up tomorrow and discovering you were still male, that the transition process had never occurred. How would you feel? Your answer to those questions may well help you in discovering who you are.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel
Maybe because you have not
Maybe because you have not been researching the right questions. Go here. It's a slide show. Read each slide. There are references you can follow for more information.
http://aebrain.blogspot.com/p/sexual-differentiation-of-huma...
CaroL
thank you Carol
that information was helpful.
While you're there...
While you're there, take a look at several other of Zoe's blogs... While not updated recently, the info's still good, and recent research has just confirmed more things.
Annette