Bit of a tough day today, as my car battery died, and with the extreme cold I had to wait quite a while for a tow.

But honestly, one of the worst parts of the whole experience was constantly being called sir on the phone with the towing company, despite my attempts to correct the lady.

I know it's not as big a thing as what many people, including people I love, are going through, but it still hurt

When I first started going out as myself, I got to talk to a lot of women who told me they didn't like most of the feminine stuff.

They would avoid dresses and skirts and the rest unless they had no choice.

I got the impression they saw being feminine as being less, which is an attitude I would expect from guys, but it was a little strange to hear it from women.

Me, I would have given anything to be allowed to be feminine, so hearing women say they saw it as at best kind of meh . . . well, I really dont know what to make of that.

So, the events in the states has me feeling very helpless, which is triggering my PTSD rather badly.

all hugs and prayers appreciated.

so I have been getting this reoccurring image, and I think I will have to figure out a story to go with it.

Here is the image:

There is a new form of VR, that taps into the brain of the user, to produce an avatar of their inmost self.

A group of trans people have been offered the chance to be beta testers, and being very attracted to the idea, they say yes.

The initial setting is a park, and one by one, the group comes in, getting to see their authentic selves, many for the first time.

I am faced with a dilemma.

I have 2 pieces that are nearly finished, but I am hesitant to publish either of them.

One is a story based on a comic that I doubt many people have read or even heard of, and the other is a story about my grandmothers struggles with the Catholic church.

And while I have stories in my collection that didn't get a lot of attention, and much fewer comments or kudos, it's another thing entirely to publish something I KNOW won't be very successful.

So last night, I dreamed that I came to the conclusion that I needed to go back into the closet.

Between this and a couple of incidents where I got so anxious about putting on nylons, I had to give it up, I am not sure what is going on in my head, but it doesn't seem good.

last night I dreamed I was the Doctor, and I used my sonic screwdriver to stop an alien who was using birds as a weapon. I turned the birds, so they attacked the alien instead.

Man, is my brain weird or what?

So I planned to put on a dress for Christmas dinner at my brother and sister in laws place, when I got hit with a massive spike in anxiety. This makes twice in a row that I had so much anxiety about dressing up that I ended up giving up on it.

I have no idea where this anxiety is coming from, but for now at least, dresses and skirts are going to the back of my closet.

Ah, well. Merry Christmas everybody.

Every time I think I have made progress; I manage to screw up and put myself back at square one.

Yesterday's bit of self-sabotage came in the form of a police car stopping me and letting me know I had not renewed my license plates in July. To make things worse, my car insurance company no longer sends out paper versions of my coverage, and because I had never taken the time to go to the library and print out the information, all I had in the car was expired versions.

Please read and leave a comment (if you want to)

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/104512/before-you

One of my problems is that I care about things.

And the problem with caring about things is that eventually I had to come to understand how powerless I am to actually effect the things I care about.

which means there is almost nothing I can do but let my heart break when the things I care about are in danger.

Now, a sensible person would probably realize this is stupid, and would stop caring, so I could stop hurting.

Except I cant really do that, without sacrificing most of myself.

So, I guess I am doomed to hurt and hurt and hurt ...

Ever since I realized that I can hurt myself during my manic phase and not know it, I have trying to think of ways I can counter this.

Right now, the only idea I have is to try and take a moment every so often and visually check for any new bruises, cuts, or scratches, as well as any signs of joint issues.

Not going to be easy, since one of the main signs of my manic phase is the difficulty of focusing, but I have to try.

All encouragement, hugs, and any suggestions, appreciated.

so, I found out something interesting yesterday. I had spent a good part of the day walking, and to my delight my joints were not bothering me despite the cooling temperatures.

I assumed it was because of the weight I had lost, but last night, as my manic phase eased, the pain came back.

It makes sense, my manic phase is a lot like being drunk or being high, both known for blocking pain, I had just never made the connection before.

So, I think I set some kind of record today.

I managed to be both hyper and depressed at once.

I was pretty sure that wasn't possible, but I guess I underestimated my brain's ability to be terrible to itself.

Ah, well, just another adventure.

So today when my brother came over, he told us he has been dealing with serious blockage in his heart, to the point they have given him a nitro pen to inject himself with if needed.

I could use all the hugs you guys can send.