dorothycolleen's blog

bad day today

I have had a really tough day.

It started with mom blowing a fuse making breakfast, and it took about 10 hours to get power back.

Then when we went to our car, we found that someone had smashed in my driver's side window looking for valuables
.
Mom is convinced they wanted our parking pass, as that is the only thing missing, and therefore its my fault for leaving it visible to people outside the car.

sighs . . .

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Jaci is gonna laugh at this entry

I surrendered to Jaci's girl germs, and put on a skirt for my birthday yesterday.

Despite the fact I look like a dude in a dress, nobody said anything negative.

in fact, I got complimented on my outfit while in Walmart

I was getting a few things, and this lady had a little one in her shopping cart, who couldn't keep her eyes off me. I waved at the little one, and that's when the mom complimented me on my outfit

I think I blushed hard enough to drown out the lights.

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the path from manic to Mr. Nasty

well, I learned something about my manic phase today.

I never realized there is a path from my manic phase to Mr. Nasty, my negative self-talk.

But, there is.

Its because if I get angry while manic, that anger has more energy than when I'm depressed, and if the anger is caused by a sense of helplessness, and almost all my anger is, its really easy for that anger to shift focus to the helplessness itself, and then Mr. Nasty can start beating me up for being helpless.

Good to know, not fun to experience.

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writing prompt

Here is a little writing prompt for anybody who wants it:

I walked up to the door, and knocked. A young man answered, and he asked, "Can I help you."

I replied "I'm here to kill you."

There was a pause, and then the young man opened the door, saying "Well, you better come in, then."

There you go, folks, have fun!

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gut-punches

Okay, so yesterday we got the keys to the new place, and discovered a few problems.

The first gut-punch came when we found out the $175 parking fee doesn't give us a dedicated spot in the parkade, and the only time non-residents are not allowed to park in there is overnight.

This means its entirely possible we will come home from getting groceries or whatever, and not be able to find a place to park.

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I'm in the home stretch

Well, I am in the home stretch in terms of the move.

We get the keys today, and pay our rent, and then we'll have a week to move whatever Mom and I can carry before the movers come for the furniture.

I am not sure how often I'll be able to check in, but when I can, I will.

Wish me luck, folks.

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one of my more frustrating habits showed up yesterday

yesterday, I had one of my more frustrating habits show up.

I have a rash on my stomach that goes down to between my legs, and it was hurting me so bad I actually broke down and cried.

Then, and this is the frustrating part, I apologized for crying.

That's a habit I would truly like to break.

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I figured out something from my youth today

Okay for some reason, this morning I was thinking about how when I was a kid I had a very specific routine when it came to being dressed.
It occurred to me the routine was what would be approprate for wearing some more feminine clothing - underwear, socks, then bottoms and then top being reasonable if you replace the socks with pantyhose.

It seems that I was pretending to dress more feminine as a way to cope with my dysphoria, which would make sense.

not sure what figuring that out now gets me, but knowledge is power, I guess.

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does my bipolar cycle imitate a menstrual cycle?

Okay so I was talking to a friend last night about my current bout of depression, and she, because she likes to tease me about how girly I am, pointed out that my bipolar cycle speeds up once a month, mimicking a period.

Now before you totally dismiss this, I must report that both times I lived with a woman with a menstrual cycle, my bipolar started to mirror that cycle, to the point I would joke with Tracy that she never had to tell me when her period was about to start, as I just had to pay attention to my own emotions.

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WE GOT APPROVED FOR AN APPARTMENT!!!!!

So after more than a month of looking, with the stress increasing each day, we finally have a new place to live.

We got approval for an apartment downtown, with official take possession date of June 1st.

now the "fun" of getting rid of as much stuff as we can so we can pack for the move . . .

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my inner narrator

I feel like there is a piece of me that has isolated itself from the rest.

while the rest of me is doing the walking and the talking and even the thinking and the feeling, this piece is separated, watching it all.

But it does more than watch.

It provides commentary, and even narration in the third person like I'm a character in a story.

Sometimes, I wish I could integrate it into myself, but I have no idea how.

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which came first?

so I made a serious mistake.

I have been watchin g "Moon Knight", and the main character has disassociation to the point he has a second personality.

Well, today they showed why he became like that, and dam, can I relate.

It makes me wonder - did I invent Dorothy just because I couldn't face what happened to me? Or did I invent the male me to carry a burden Dorothy wasn't strong enough for?

whichever way, I am shaking, and wish I had a way to stop.

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my mom has had a rough couple of days

so my mom just had a rough couple of days.

on Sunday, her portable closet broke, she spilled part of breakfast, and she discovered her tomatoes had gone bad.

Yesterday she got confused and couldn't find the entrance to Costco.

If you want to give her some huggles, I'll pass them on to her.

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meltdown at the car wash

I had a meltdown of sorts about 20 minutes ago.

we were going to put the car through a wash, and while trying to reach the buttons to put in our code, I knocked off my glasses.

I was too close to stand to get out of the car, and didn't dare try moving it in case I destroyed my glasses.

So I sat there shaking, until mom was able to retrieve my glasses.

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I never get rescued in my dreams

I was talking to my therapist about my dreams, and she asked me an interesting question.

Many of my dreams feature me trying to protect others, or rescue others, and she wondered if I ever dreamed I was the one being rescued or protected.

And after some hard thought, I can say that to the best of my ability to remember, I have never had that kind of dream.

Even in my dreams, it seems, I don't believe anyone would be coming to my rescue.

I kind of think that's sad.

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Word Drop

Okay so yesterday, I was shopping with Sharon, and I decided to pick up a bottle of distilled water for my CPAP machine, but when I went to ask a worker at the store, the word "distilled" simply vanished from my vocabulary.

I was able to find where they had the bottles, but its very uncomfortable to be standing in front of someone asking for something, and then the word for that something wont come.

sighs . . .

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Breaking the Habit

before I say this, I want to assure everyone I'm not going to hurt myself.

But man, do the lyrics of "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park feel approprate right now.

"I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight"

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