so I made a serious mistake.

I have been watchin g "Moon Knight", and the main character has disassociation to the point he has a second personality.

Well, today they showed why he became like that, and dam, can I relate.

It makes me wonder - did I invent Dorothy just because I couldn't face what happened to me? Or did I invent the male me to carry a burden Dorothy wasn't strong enough for?

whichever way, I am shaking, and wish I had a way to stop.

I had a meltdown of sorts about 20 minutes ago.

we were going to put the car through a wash, and while trying to reach the buttons to put in our code, I knocked off my glasses.

I was too close to stand to get out of the car, and didn't dare try moving it in case I destroyed my glasses.

So I sat there shaking, until mom was able to retrieve my glasses.

so last night I dreamed I had to protect this house from magical assault, and after driving off several enemies, the last attack seemed to sap the will of the people living in the house, making them give up.

Faced with this, I fled.

I know its just a dream, but I woke feeling like I had let them down..

before I say this, I want to assure everyone I'm not going to hurt myself.

But man, do the lyrics of "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park feel approprate right now.

"I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight"

in the second episode of "Moon Knight" the bad guy asks the hero if he was broken before he was chosen, or did being chosen break him.

I sometimes wonder the same thing about the man who used me.

did his actions break me, or did he pick me because I was already broken?

got a new essay up if anybody wants to check it out.

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/93684/origins-3-capta...

So, I finally finished an application for subsidized housing on the south side of Edmonton for mom and me.

Being closer to Sharon and Sam would be a good thing, and maybe if my mom isn't here she wont have as much paranoia about my sister in law. (I know, unlikely, considering what dementia does, but I can hope)

Personally I have mixed feelings about leaving. I've felt safe here, which has been a rare thing for me, but the long drives are tough, and I think I can still be of some good to my mom by staying with her, or at least I hope so.

last night I had a dream that reminded me of something that actually happened.

When I was 16, we returned to Calgary after spending a year in Denver, and I was lucky enough to fall into a group of people who were into D&D, including some girls. later, in summer, two of the girls invited me to come over and spend the day with them.

As it was very hot, they soon decided to strip to their underwear, and encouraged me to do the same.

Nothing even slightly sexual happened, we just watched tv and played some games.

So last night, I dreamed I was back in school, and for some reason, after one class I was escorted around by a girl.

She was wearing a pretty black dress with rhinestones, and dark hose that was still sheer enough to show she had a tattoo on her thigh, and I was just dying of jealousy.

I woke feeling sad.

ah, well.

Does anybody know anything about making a cover letter to accompany a submission to a publisher?

any help appreciated.

I have two bits of good news to share.

1st bit of good news, I found the email of the lady who ran the local writing group, we had a good trade in emails, and I feel like I have rediscovered a friend I had lost.

2nd bit of good news, I used my new CPAP machine for the first time last night, and I only had 6.6 apnea incidents per hour. in my original sleep study I was getting 130 incidents/hour, and on my old machine I was still getting 35-40.

so yay!

I've been reading some of the other entries for the Valentine's day contest on my writing site, and all I can say is that many of the authors are as good as any major bestseller's author.

I'm just a duffer, but I feel privileged to just be in the company of such talent.

Well, it feels like its been a while since I have given a writing update, here goes:

Chapter 4 of "portal problems" is being written now. hopefully done by the end of the month.

Horror story "when paths cross" and its sequel are also being worked on. not sure how long to go.

Latest story about "Tinker Tailor Soldier Dot" is actually done, but waiting for Amethyst to be able to finish her Pinpoint story before it gets released, and a 5th story has been started.

Today I went to get tested for allergies, and I tested positive to cat hair, tree pollen, grass, and shrimp - the latter is apparently bad enough they have proscribed an epi pen for me.

But something interesting happened.

When they first gave me my results and the prescription, I noticed it had the wrong name, so I had to go back in and get things straightened out.

But what was interesting was the young woman receptionist apologized repeatedly, and I told her not to sweat it, since I got the corrected information.

My Valentine's day contest entry is up.

If you want to check it out, its here: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/93048/customer-satisf...