dorothycolleen's blog

my inner narrator

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I feel like there is a piece of me that has isolated itself from the rest.

while the rest of me is doing the walking and the talking and even the thinking and the feeling, this piece is separated, watching it all.

But it does more than watch.

It provides commentary, and even narration in the third person like I'm a character in a story.

Sometimes, I wish I could integrate it into myself, but I have no idea how.

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which came first?

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so I made a serious mistake.

I have been watchin g "Moon Knight", and the main character has disassociation to the point he has a second personality.

Well, today they showed why he became like that, and dam, can I relate.

It makes me wonder - did I invent Dorothy just because I couldn't face what happened to me? Or did I invent the male me to carry a burden Dorothy wasn't strong enough for?

whichever way, I am shaking, and wish I had a way to stop.

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my mom has had a rough couple of days

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so my mom just had a rough couple of days.

on Sunday, her portable closet broke, she spilled part of breakfast, and she discovered her tomatoes had gone bad.

Yesterday she got confused and couldn't find the entrance to Costco.

If you want to give her some huggles, I'll pass them on to her.

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meltdown at the car wash

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I had a meltdown of sorts about 20 minutes ago.

we were going to put the car through a wash, and while trying to reach the buttons to put in our code, I knocked off my glasses.

I was too close to stand to get out of the car, and didn't dare try moving it in case I destroyed my glasses.

So I sat there shaking, until mom was able to retrieve my glasses.

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I never get rescued in my dreams

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I was talking to my therapist about my dreams, and she asked me an interesting question.

Many of my dreams feature me trying to protect others, or rescue others, and she wondered if I ever dreamed I was the one being rescued or protected.

And after some hard thought, I can say that to the best of my ability to remember, I have never had that kind of dream.

Even in my dreams, it seems, I don't believe anyone would be coming to my rescue.

I kind of think that's sad.

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feeling bad after a dream

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so last night I dreamed I had to protect this house from magical assault, and after driving off several enemies, the last attack seemed to sap the will of the people living in the house, making them give up.

Faced with this, I fled.

I know its just a dream, but I woke feeling like I had let them down..

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Word Drop

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Okay so yesterday, I was shopping with Sharon, and I decided to pick up a bottle of distilled water for my CPAP machine, but when I went to ask a worker at the store, the word "distilled" simply vanished from my vocabulary.

I was able to find where they had the bottles, but its very uncomfortable to be standing in front of someone asking for something, and then the word for that something wont come.

sighs . . .

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Breaking the Habit

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before I say this, I want to assure everyone I'm not going to hurt myself.

But man, do the lyrics of "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park feel approprate right now.

"I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight"

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was I always broken?

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in the second episode of "Moon Knight" the bad guy asks the hero if he was broken before he was chosen, or did being chosen break him.

I sometimes wonder the same thing about the man who used me.

did his actions break me, or did he pick me because I was already broken?

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a bad news/good news day

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Today was a "bad news - good news" day.

First the bad - I somehow managed to tear a hole in one of the tires on my car, and that was a serious stress
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But now the good - My neighbor helped me put on my spare so I could take the car to a tire store, and after we got that looked after we were able to get a refill on my medications and some groceries.

I like days that end better than they start, don't you?

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Today, I must pretend I'm okay

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This morning I found myself thinking about my rapes and my gender issues.

When I first went for counseling, all I was hoping for was to find out for sure if my rapes had caused me to be transgender. I didn't think it would be possible to heal me from the damage done, but I hoped to understand and perhaps settle the issue of my gender identity.

The result was it seems that the two issues are not connected in a cause and effect way, so if one had been removed, I would still be dealing with the other.

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We've applied for housing on the south side of Edmonton

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So, I finally finished an application for subsidized housing on the south side of Edmonton for mom and me.

Being closer to Sharon and Sam would be a good thing, and maybe if my mom isn't here she wont have as much paranoia about my sister in law. (I know, unlikely, considering what dementia does, but I can hope)

Personally I have mixed feelings about leaving. I've felt safe here, which has been a rare thing for me, but the long drives are tough, and I think I can still be of some good to my mom by staying with her, or at least I hope so.

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adventures in sleep apnea

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so last night, I was supposed to do a home sleep study, and I blew it badly, not being able to connect the hoses properly.

so I'm going to have to try again tonight.

meanwhile, I think my manic phase is ending and I am heading downward, so hugs appreciated.

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a day with two girls while mostly undressed

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last night I had a dream that reminded me of something that actually happened.

When I was 16, we returned to Calgary after spending a year in Denver, and I was lucky enough to fall into a group of people who were into D&D, including some girls. later, in summer, two of the girls invited me to come over and spend the day with them.

As it was very hot, they soon decided to strip to their underwear, and encouraged me to do the same.

Nothing even slightly sexual happened, we just watched tv and played some games.

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dreaming of dysphoria

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So last night, I dreamed I was back in school, and for some reason, after one class I was escorted around by a girl.

She was wearing a pretty black dress with rhinestones, and dark hose that was still sheer enough to show she had a tattoo on her thigh, and I was just dying of jealousy.

I woke feeling sad.

ah, well.

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two bits of good news to share

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I have two bits of good news to share.

1st bit of good news, I found the email of the lady who ran the local writing group, we had a good trade in emails, and I feel like I have rediscovered a friend I had lost.

2nd bit of good news, I used my new CPAP machine for the first time last night, and I only had 6.6 apnea incidents per hour. in my original sleep study I was getting 130 incidents/hour, and on my old machine I was still getting 35-40.

so yay!

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coming to terms with who I'm attracted to

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I think I can finally admit I find the idea of dating a crossdressing man appealing. what that says about me, I have no clue, but since it has maybe a 1% chance of happening, I probably shouldn't panic about it.

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the level of talent on this site astonishes me

I've been reading some of the other entries for the Valentine's day contest on my writing site, and all I can say is that many of the authors are as good as any major bestseller's author.

I'm just a duffer, but I feel privileged to just be in the company of such talent.

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Muse update

Well, it feels like its been a while since I have given a writing update, here goes:

Chapter 4 of "portal problems" is being written now. hopefully done by the end of the month.

Horror story "when paths cross" and its sequel are also being worked on. not sure how long to go.

Latest story about "Tinker Tailor Soldier Dot" is actually done, but waiting for Amethyst to be able to finish her Pinpoint story before it gets released, and a 5th story has been started.

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I might be moving

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Well, things could be changing here in a serious way.

I think the time has come for my mom to find a senior's lodge, as her paranoia over Carol is causing problems.

It might take a while, with waiting lists, and COVID being factors.

But the bigger question is what do I do?

Do I try and find a place with a 2 bedroom suite so we can continue to be together?

That would be mom's first preference, and mine too, but it may not be practical, or even possible.

I guess time will tell . . .

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allergy results and revelations

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Today I went to get tested for allergies, and I tested positive to cat hair, tree pollen, grass, and shrimp - the latter is apparently bad enough they have proscribed an epi pen for me.

But something interesting happened.

When they first gave me my results and the prescription, I noticed it had the wrong name, so I had to go back in and get things straightened out.

But what was interesting was the young woman receptionist apologized repeatedly, and I told her not to sweat it, since I got the corrected information.

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