Okay, so yesterday we got the keys to the new place, and discovered a few problems.

The first gut-punch came when we found out the $175 parking fee doesn't give us a dedicated spot in the parkade, and the only time non-residents are not allowed to park in there is overnight.

This means its entirely possible we will come home from getting groceries or whatever, and not be able to find a place to park.

yesterday, I had one of my more frustrating habits show up.

I have a rash on my stomach that goes down to between my legs, and it was hurting me so bad I actually broke down and cried.

Then, and this is the frustrating part, I apologized for crying.

That's a habit I would truly like to break.

I'm really struggling with feeling hopeless and worthless today.

huggles needed and appreciated.

Okay so I was talking to a friend last night about my current bout of depression, and she, because she likes to tease me about how girly I am, pointed out that my bipolar cycle speeds up once a month, mimicking a period.

Now before you totally dismiss this, I must report that both times I lived with a woman with a menstrual cycle, my bipolar started to mirror that cycle, to the point I would joke with Tracy that she never had to tell me when her period was about to start, as I just had to pay attention to my own emotions.

I have begun the process of trying to figure out what I can take with me to the new place.

Its a bit smaller than what I currently have, so the more I can give away is better, but I'm finding it hard.

Ah, well.

So after more than a month of looking, with the stress increasing each day, we finally have a new place to live.

We got approval for an apartment downtown, with official take possession date of June 1st.

now the "fun" of getting rid of as much stuff as we can so we can pack for the move . . .

so I made a serious mistake.

I have been watchin g "Moon Knight", and the main character has disassociation to the point he has a second personality.

Well, today they showed why he became like that, and dam, can I relate.

It makes me wonder - did I invent Dorothy just because I couldn't face what happened to me? Or did I invent the male me to carry a burden Dorothy wasn't strong enough for?

whichever way, I am shaking, and wish I had a way to stop.

I had a meltdown of sorts about 20 minutes ago.

we were going to put the car through a wash, and while trying to reach the buttons to put in our code, I knocked off my glasses.

I was too close to stand to get out of the car, and didn't dare try moving it in case I destroyed my glasses.

So I sat there shaking, until mom was able to retrieve my glasses.

so last night I dreamed I had to protect this house from magical assault, and after driving off several enemies, the last attack seemed to sap the will of the people living in the house, making them give up.

Faced with this, I fled.

I know its just a dream, but I woke feeling like I had let them down..

before I say this, I want to assure everyone I'm not going to hurt myself.

But man, do the lyrics of "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park feel approprate right now.

"I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight"

in the second episode of "Moon Knight" the bad guy asks the hero if he was broken before he was chosen, or did being chosen break him.

I sometimes wonder the same thing about the man who used me.

did his actions break me, or did he pick me because I was already broken?

got a new essay up if anybody wants to check it out.

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/93684/origins-3-capta...

So, I finally finished an application for subsidized housing on the south side of Edmonton for mom and me.

Being closer to Sharon and Sam would be a good thing, and maybe if my mom isn't here she wont have as much paranoia about my sister in law. (I know, unlikely, considering what dementia does, but I can hope)

Personally I have mixed feelings about leaving. I've felt safe here, which has been a rare thing for me, but the long drives are tough, and I think I can still be of some good to my mom by staying with her, or at least I hope so.

last night I had a dream that reminded me of something that actually happened.

When I was 16, we returned to Calgary after spending a year in Denver, and I was lucky enough to fall into a group of people who were into D&D, including some girls. later, in summer, two of the girls invited me to come over and spend the day with them.

As it was very hot, they soon decided to strip to their underwear, and encouraged me to do the same.

Nothing even slightly sexual happened, we just watched tv and played some games.

So last night, I dreamed I was back in school, and for some reason, after one class I was escorted around by a girl.

She was wearing a pretty black dress with rhinestones, and dark hose that was still sheer enough to show she had a tattoo on her thigh, and I was just dying of jealousy.

I woke feeling sad.

ah, well.