dorothycolleen's blog

Sam had a relapse today

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So we had Sam today, and it was clear she had some kind of relapse of her anxiety. To make it worse, she told my mom that she shouldn't have gone to a BBQ at her friend's house on Saturday, suggesting something happened there that has caused this.

I honestly don't know what to do.

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Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't

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I am an addict.

I am addicted to imagination.

Fantasy, science fiction, comics, almost anything would do as long as it allowed me to not deal with the real world.

Nowadays I get my fix mostly online, including the ability to create a fake version of me so I never had to face my real self.

The result is I am an overgrown child, completely unable to handle the adult world.

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strange call from Sharon last night

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Something strange happened last night.

just as Mom and I were headed for bed, we got a call from Sharon. When Sharon is angry, her accent and speed of speech make her hard to understand, but from what I could gather, she had a "feeling from God" about some kind of evil coming into the house, and went to check on Sam, who was playing with her cell phone

Sharon asked to see what she was doing, and Sam refused, and Sharon lost it, and she had called us to take Sam for the night because Sharon couldn't have "a dark spirit" around.

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if life would stop beating me up, that would be great

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well, yesterday we managed to get the window on my car fixed, walking away 500$ poorer in the process.

Only to have that fix last less than 24 hours, thanks to my mom.

We were told to not put down the window for 24 hours when we picked up the car yesterday afternoon, but while doing a grocery run with her sister, my mom forgot and started to put the window down.

The glass didnt fall out, but its no longer in place.

So off we went back to the dealership today to get it fixed - again, but they haven't called us back, which means we are sans car for now.

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bad day today

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I have had a really tough day.

It started with mom blowing a fuse making breakfast, and it took about 10 hours to get power back.

Then when we went to our car, we found that someone had smashed in my driver's side window looking for valuables
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Mom is convinced they wanted our parking pass, as that is the only thing missing, and therefore its my fault for leaving it visible to people outside the car.

sighs . . .

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Jaci is gonna laugh at this entry

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I surrendered to Jaci's girl germs, and put on a skirt for my birthday yesterday.

Despite the fact I look like a dude in a dress, nobody said anything negative.

in fact, I got complimented on my outfit while in Walmart

I was getting a few things, and this lady had a little one in her shopping cart, who couldn't keep her eyes off me. I waved at the little one, and that's when the mom complimented me on my outfit

I think I blushed hard enough to drown out the lights.

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another year alive

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well, I survived another year.

I turned 56 today.

my plan for the day?

Running Sharon and Sam around, as usual.

could be worse, at least I have my family in my life. Not all trans people do.

anyway, happy huggles from me.

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the path from manic to Mr. Nasty

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well, I learned something about my manic phase today.

I never realized there is a path from my manic phase to Mr. Nasty, my negative self-talk.

But, there is.

Its because if I get angry while manic, that anger has more energy than when I'm depressed, and if the anger is caused by a sense of helplessness, and almost all my anger is, its really easy for that anger to shift focus to the helplessness itself, and then Mr. Nasty can start beating me up for being helpless.

Good to know, not fun to experience.

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writing prompt

Here is a little writing prompt for anybody who wants it:

I walked up to the door, and knocked. A young man answered, and he asked, "Can I help you."

I replied "I'm here to kill you."

There was a pause, and then the young man opened the door, saying "Well, you better come in, then."

There you go, folks, have fun!

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gut-punches

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Okay, so yesterday we got the keys to the new place, and discovered a few problems.

The first gut-punch came when we found out the $175 parking fee doesn't give us a dedicated spot in the parkade, and the only time non-residents are not allowed to park in there is overnight.

This means its entirely possible we will come home from getting groceries or whatever, and not be able to find a place to park.

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I'm in the home stretch

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Well, I am in the home stretch in terms of the move.

We get the keys today, and pay our rent, and then we'll have a week to move whatever Mom and I can carry before the movers come for the furniture.

I am not sure how often I'll be able to check in, but when I can, I will.

Wish me luck, folks.

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one of my more frustrating habits showed up yesterday

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yesterday, I had one of my more frustrating habits show up.

I have a rash on my stomach that goes down to between my legs, and it was hurting me so bad I actually broke down and cried.

Then, and this is the frustrating part, I apologized for crying.

That's a habit I would truly like to break.

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I figured out something from my youth today

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Okay for some reason, this morning I was thinking about how when I was a kid I had a very specific routine when it came to being dressed.
It occurred to me the routine was what would be approprate for wearing some more feminine clothing - underwear, socks, then bottoms and then top being reasonable if you replace the socks with pantyhose.

It seems that I was pretending to dress more feminine as a way to cope with my dysphoria, which would make sense.

not sure what figuring that out now gets me, but knowledge is power, I guess.

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does my bipolar cycle imitate a menstrual cycle?

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Okay so I was talking to a friend last night about my current bout of depression, and she, because she likes to tease me about how girly I am, pointed out that my bipolar cycle speeds up once a month, mimicking a period.

Now before you totally dismiss this, I must report that both times I lived with a woman with a menstrual cycle, my bipolar started to mirror that cycle, to the point I would joke with Tracy that she never had to tell me when her period was about to start, as I just had to pay attention to my own emotions.

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