My therapist had a really good insight into what happened with the writing group:

"Sometimes when we're struggling with self-hate or loathing, we find ourselves sharing vulnerable aspects of ourselves to people who have not earned the right to our most intimate selves. It's almost like a test to those around us. And if they passed one test, we push again and we push harder.

So last night I brought my autobiographical piece "the house" to my writing group, and the group leader got so upset at the thought that I might be worried about hurting someone the way I was hurt got her so upset she stopped my reading, and we went on to someone else's work. So I came home in a cloud of self-hate, which wasn't helped by my sister in law reminding me this is now twice in a fairly short time I've hurt this person.

Have you ever a blast while failing? I tried to make a home-made pizza with Sam, and even though the pizza itself was a flop, it was a hoot for me, and I hope for Sam as well.

got a body blow today.

Carol told me Mike had a meltdown on the weekend. He got very angry at an employee at the wildlife park over nothing

this is very much unlike him, but something she was warned about as his disease progresses

he went for a test today, the results will tell us if it is getting worse for sure, but he's already told Carol that if he ever gets violent she has his permission to put him into long term care

the worst thing of getting the news about Mike today was it was Sam's grad today, and I hate that I couldn't be happier for her

Got a new story up.

its not exactly light and fluffy, so be warned,

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/90966/house

okay so I finally, finally, finally took all the clothes that don't fit me to goodwill,

This has been hanging over my head for months, so to get it off my "to do" list feels like a super-human accomplishment.

well, I got some encouraging news during a doctor's visit today:

My blood pressure?

121/85

my weight?

308 pounds

pretty good, huh?

well, I went to get my toes done.

I really HATE being ticklish.

It sets off my PTSD something awful, but at least I now have (reasonably) pretty feet

so the leader of my writing group called, and we were able to make up.

I feel fantastic now!

Well, today I went to the respiratory clinic , and I'm still not getting good results. plus, they are gonna have to recall my unit and no idea if Alberta will cover the replacement I need.

not sure what they will be able to do for me

the problem is I really need a bipap, not a cpap and that was never part of my sleep study.

so I am going to have to use as is, for a couple of weeks, then they are gonna set me up with an 02 monitor to prove I need more.

I'm having a real tough time, and I need my friends now.

The black dog of depression has a hold on me, and my prayers feel like they can't even reach the ceiling much less heaven.

all hugs, prayers, and encouragement appreciated.

Had a really scary moment today.

We had gone to a local mall, and on our way out, I had something like a seizure in my right leg.

It started with my leg trembling, then shaking, and then I almost fell as it felt like every part of my leg tried to go in a different direction.

It calmed down, but after I'd taken a few more steps it happened again.

I told mom, and had her take over the driving, but it didn't happen again.

sighs, didn't I have enough problems already?

okay so last night my CPAP machine was going at such a pressure it actually caused the hose to separate from the mask.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's not good.

Well, I had a scary moment today, thought they were going to take my CPAP machine away

apparently, its not helping enough, its on max pressure, and I'm still having apnea way too often.

But the problem was my sleep study apparently wouldn't qualify me for the more powerful Bipap machine, so I could have been stuck.

But for now they are giving me the nose mask instead of the full mask in the hops it will not leak as much, and they're having me come back in 2 weeks to see how that goes

so I had a pretty productive day.

Mike and I weeded the front lawn, then I trimmed the side, then I watched as my TV was removed (along some other trash), then I did a bottle run.

I know that doesn't sound like much, but I feel good about the day, and that doesn't happen all that often.