So I guess I forgot to mention here that after my sleep study the doctor recommended me have a CPAP machine, and today I picked it up.

hopefully I can get used to wearing one, as apparently I stop breathing 100 times every hour.

I just got huge news.

A short story of mine has been accepted by a magazine, and they will even pay me for it, which is a first.

The story is called "Under the Stars", and you can read it here: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/44433/under-stars

I'm . . . stunned, honestly.

And it would not have been possible without this place, so thank you, Erin and Company

unfortunately, last night I had a nightmare. I was in a house, and suddenly a large pile of black liquid smashed through the ceiling and landed in the corner.

there was a girl sitting at the kitchen table studying, and wearing headphones so she didn't hear me cry out. she did look up, and seeing the blob, went to check it out.

She got too close, fell in, and tried swimming towards me, crying for her mother.

But she couldn't reach me, and she drowned.

I'm still very shaken by this.

In case anybody was wondering how my writing is going, here is an update.

I can't even get near my latest story idea cause its way too triggering right now
which leaves me with a sequel I'm blocked on, an essay nobody will care about, a D&D story that is simply not working, and TTSD 4 and 5, which are also at a standstill.

so bottom line, nothing is gonna come out for a bit, sorry.

I've been dealing with pain in my knees and hip, and its triggering me a lot.

Hugs appreciated.

okay for some reason a moment from when I was in junior high has been on my mind lately.

It's possible I've mentioned it before, but since I've been thinking about it, I'm gonna bring it up now.
See, in junior high, I thought it might be possible for me to find a way to fit in, as I was now more actively engaged in my life, recovering from my "dead kid" phase.

So I looked into athletics.

Now I wasn't strong, fast, or really all that coordinated, so this was a bit of a faint hope, but there is one athletic endeavor I thought I could master - track and field,

I'm fighting Mr. Nasty, who is telling me my writing has no effect on anybody.

So if anything I've written has impacted you even a little, can you share it with me?

Ok, I got a serious problem here. In the last week, I have had two different dreams where I found myself facing a handsome young man who isn't wearing a shirt.

Will everybody please join me in asking Jaci to take her girl germs back now?

so I got a sleep study done last night, which basically forced me to have a shower today.

Showers are my bane. but personal care in general is always a struggle.

The shower thing is a legacy of my stepfather, I suspect the other stuff is a mix of causes.

Just got to keep fighting, I guess

so Shylo At AffirmingMinistries has asked me to be a speaker at a livestream for International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia & Biphobia. It will be held on May 17th, 2021 from 2:30-3:30pm.

My talk will be livestreamed on both the Affirming Ministries and Robertson-Wesley United Church Facebook Pages. The stream will be recorded and posted on additional social media for both ministries such as Instagram and Youtube.

I'm amazed and staggered to be considered for such a thing.

even if you never watched "the walking dead" you might have seen the image of a door with the words "Don't open. Dead inside"

well, that's how I feel right now,

I was messaging my therapist today, when it hit me that while I thought I had moved on from guilt about my rapes, apparently I have not.

You see, I told the doctor how I wanted to grow up to be as pretty as my mom, and that gave him the wedge he needed to break me utterly.

So if I had hid that truth, would I have been spared?

My mind knows the answer is no. He'd raped my brother and at least one of my cousins, if I had managed to convince him I was a regular boy I'd be no different than they were.

So last night, I broke my bed. I'm trying to not let Mr. Nasty get me about it, but I could use hugs

I got woken up by my muse this morning with a brand new story.

Go check it out:

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/89084/tea-with-true-n...

I was thinking more about the dream I had the other day, and it occurred to me that its one of very few dreams I've had where I was clearly presenting as a teenage girl.

Now most of my dreams, I couldn't tell you what I was wearing, or if I was in the closet, but this dream had some pretty strong indications of my gender presentation.

And it comes in the first part of the dream, where a older teen boy attempts to tickle me.