so apparently last night I started shouting in my sleep.

I cant remember what I was dreaming that would make me cry out.

The thing is, as a kid I did that a lot, and even as an adult I still did it until I started going to therapy and recovered some of the memories of my abuse (which is when I started having flashbacks instead), and as far as I know I no longer cried out in my sleep - until last night.

You're gonna have to forgive me if that's a little concerning for me.

Okay, so yesterday, after I has an exhausting day running Sharon and Sam around, my mom offered to make supper for me.

And while coming back to the kitchen while carrying a heavy pot with a heavy lid on it, the lid fell off and hit her on the top of her foot.

the top of the joint of her big toe was pretty swollen, couldn't put any weight on the foot, and I started struggling with guilt.

And then the day got worse.

I managed to trip and slammed into the carpet just about as hard as I could

So at this point I was sore, guilty, and worried about mom.

So I called the bank that has my car loan, and after next week, I can authorize a lump sum payment and clear the debt.

I haven't been debt free since I graduated high school, so it will be a good feeling.

I finally deleted Kylie from my hangouts contact list and all the emails we have exchanged.

Pardon me if I'm less than cheerful for a while.

When I usually talk about my negative self talk, aka "Mr. Nasty", its a "tape" of my various failures.

But sometimes, I get a "tape" that's much, much worse.

This "tape" is connected to my rapes, and the word it uses to describe me isn't "failure".

It's "Evil".

The reason I'm bringing it up now is that I spent most of last night trying to fight off that "tape".

So I think Team Dorothy to come to my rescue again.

Send words of encouragement, praise, or just send a hug if you can.

Thank you in advance.

Since my mother has begun to suffer from dementia, she has been constantly worried that the place is on fire.

We couldn't figure out why, until I remembered her telling me that when she was a small child the cabin she and her family were living in caught on fire, and she had to help get the kids.

which has me wondering if there is a connection between dementia and PTSD. And whether I'm going to be reliving my rapes if I get dementia as well ...

so its been a good news/bad news situation here.

the good news is my mom is eating a little bit more, although it's still probably below or at best at the daily minimum.

the bad news is her anxiety has increased to the point she can't be left alone, even while in bed.

sighs . . .

Mike and Carol have been generously helping me with mom, so I don't get overwhelmed, but that has led me to struggle with guilt. Mike has his own struggles, and that makes me feel like I should be taking more of the load so he doesn't have to.

Fortunately at the moment I am able to recognize that making sure I don't burn out is actually doing good for Mom, so I'm resisting the guilt.

At least, for now.

My mom's condition is getting worse.

she's had 4 or 5 delusional episodes today, thinking Mike was fighting a fire in the roof, and Carol was not letting him come down., even though we went upstairs and opened gifts together this morning. Plus, she's not eating more than a couple bites of food. we tried fruit cups and yogurt, but its not her teeth, she simply has no apatite.

All of this stuff is complicated by the fact that: A: Its Christmas; and B: we're in a pandemic.

sighs, hugs appreciated.

Caution: referenced suicide attempt

my mom is trying to arrange staying at my cousin Terry's place, who has decided to buy into my mom's paranoid delusions.

fml

When I was training to be a Nurse's Aide, one of the things I was taught was that people with dementia often struggle more at night, and during my time in the job, I confirmed this for myself.

But its one thing when its a stranger who you are being paid to look after, another when its your own mother.

Its been really hard to have my mom wake me at 4 AM almost every day believing that the house is on fire, or Mike is injured, or most often, that Carol is going to come downstairs and throw her out into the street.

Okay so the geriatric clinic got a hold of us, and are coming Tuesday for an in-person assessment on my mom.

keep sending hugs.

I'm struggling with dysphoria, and to make it worse, I feel guilty. I'm so much luckier than most trans people, it feels like I'm being ungrateful to struggle with those things I don't have.

Hugs appreciated.

my mom's nightly struggle with paranoid delusions is killing my spoons. It's been weeks now since I got to sleep through the night without her waking me up saying her daughter in law has started fires in the electrical wiring or is watching mom through a camera hidden in the vent in her room.

which means I'm letting my self-care slip, and am scared what happens if I have a major PTSD attack or depressive episode.

hugs appreciated.