dorothycolleen's blog

PTSD guilt

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PTSD guilt is the worst.

I'm struggling with guilt right now for not telling anybody how bad things were at home.

I was too afraid they would blame my mom.

Sighs, hugs appreciated

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Pastor Dot?

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Once a month, my church hosts a special evening service called "Haven" for individuals on the LGBT spectrum and their allies. Well, the young man who normally runs the service has asked if I would like to lead it for the september service. Thanks to Covid, we'll stream me speaking, so no crowd to get nervous about, but still, something I've never tried before.

Wish me luck, and assuming the service will be available afterward, I'll drop a link.

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I'm back (I hope) and being bumped

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well, my new computer seems to be working, so I'm gonna give that a tentitive yay. But on the boo side, because how prolific we've all been this last couple of days, my latest story has dropped way down, and its at least possible some of you who would have normally checked it out have missed it. so just in case, here is a link: https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/86208/tinker-tailor-s...

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hanging by a thread

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Okay so I've mentioned the rash on my belly, and yesterday I was struggling to reach the spot, I asked my mom to help. When she got close to my groin, I experienced something like being ticklish, only instead of wanting to giggle, I wanted to flinch. since then, I've been very shaky, and I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Hugs appreciated.

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A dream with a difference

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last night I had a dream with a difference. It wasn't the fact I was apparently taking classes at university and getting lost, it wasn't even the fact that when I went to the cafeteria I realized I didn't have my wallet.

It was the fact that said wallet was in my purse.

Which means that even though I was having a very bad day, I was at least attending as Dorothy, which to the best of my knowledge, has never happened to me in a dream before.

I don't know, that feels slightly hopeful to me.

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a mixed day

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Okay, so today was a mixed day. First, the bad: I had a PTSD event while in a grocery store, and that brought me down from the high I was on.

So why had I been high? Because a city worker called me "sweetheart" when he asked me to move my car.

So that was a yay, at least.

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waking up shaking

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Okay, so It's just after 8 in the morning, and I'm shaking.

See, last night I had one of my "searching" dreams. I was on the campus of a university, and was totally lost. But then I found someone in authority, and let loose a stream of anger - anger at being expected to know things I'd never been told, being left to wander around without a guide or a map.

It was the level of anger I displayed that has left me shaking.

hugs appreciated;

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Doomed to be a Fan-Fiction author?

I've been re-reading my stuff, and realized some of my best work takes place in someone else's sandbox. My Mercy story, my Phoenix story, both (In my humble opinion) really good stories with genuine feels in them.

Now, I'm not sure what this means for me going forward. Can I take something from those stories, and put them into a unique setting, or am I doomed to only be able to do good work inside someone else's universe ?

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my daughter won an award

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My daughter Samantha has won an award from the transitions group she has been part of for the last year. It is an award based not just on her academic success, but her attitude, her kindness, and her overall progress.

When you consider we were told when she was a baby that she might never progress beyond the toddler stage, I couldn't be prouder of her.

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dreaming of my stepfather

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The causes for my C-PTSD can be separated into 2 groups. being repeatedly raped, and suffering both physical and emotionally abused by my stepfather.

Well, I dreamed about my stepfather last night. I was at a family gathering, and his name came up, and I started unleashing every bit of anger I had ever felt towards him. I woke feeling shaken, and depressed.

Hugs appreciated.

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formatting issues

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I'm having some issues with the revised version of "The Saga of E-Girl". A paragraph will start out fine, and suddenly break and put the rest on the next line, even after I had backspaced it into the proper position. Suggestions?

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I've given myself a project

Well I've given myself a project.

I was making another story in my "Superiors" universe (Which I used to call the "E-Girl universe") and went looking at "The Saga of E-girl for some details, and realized that I'd changed a few things in the universe other than the name. Added to that is the fact that "The saga of E-girl" was the very first story I made here, and I'd like to think I'm a slightly better author now, and I think what I need to do is totally revamp it.

Wish me luck ...

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my brother is home

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Well, my brother is safely home from the hospital, but its going to be a period of recovery time, and I'm going to have to be able to step up and do more around here. I just hope I'm up to it ...

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dream time once more

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Okay, its dream time again. Last night, I dreamed I was in a warehouse, trying to help put things where they needed to go. But for some reason, I was dressed like an Old Testament prophet, wearing a robe and carrying a staff.

The people working there would gently shoo me away from the area they were working in, so I went form area to area, looking for a way to assist.

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getting pummeled by dysphoria

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Right now I feel a little like the woman in the scene from the movie "airplane" who starts panicking, and then the whole plane lines up to slap her.

When it's not depression, or PTSD, it's my gender dysphoria taking it's turn at kicking me around, and that's where I am right now.

Ah, well. This too shall pass ...

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Revising an old story

I was fooling around last night, re-reading my old stuff, and I came across "I woke", my first attempt at a longer story. Reading it again, I realized I might be able to make it a little better. So the edited and complete version is up, and you'll have to tell me what you think.

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/85183/i-woke-edited-a...

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